Married with Children s04e06 Episode Script
Fair Exchange
[***.]
Kids, I gotta tell ya, I love the day after Thanksgiving.
We already got that "giving thanks" crap out of the way, and we get to have leftovers.
Peg, is it ready yet? Here it comes! Ah! You know, Daddy, that was a great idea last night: to only eat the cheese so we'd have the crust for today.
AL: Yeah! I'll bet a lot of other stupid families ate their whole pizza last night.
And today they're probably just looking at the old empty cardboard box.
Uh-huh.
I can't do it.
Dad, I think I speak for us all.
This really bites the big one.
Why can't we have turkey like real people? Aw, now, Bud.
It's not like your father is a doctor or a lawyer or a bathroom attendant or a circus geek.
He's just a shoe salesman, doing the best he can.
Okay, Peg, I think we get the message here.
Obviously, this is the fault of the only one who works around here.
That would be, let me see mm, mm, mm Well, goldarn it, it's me.
Well, what the heck, I'll quit.
Then we'll be a-eating, won't we? Oh, honey, nobody wants you to quit.
We all appreciate what you do for this family.
[LAUGHING.]
Well, we might as well face the facts.
This food thing isn't going to go away.
We've gotta get some money here.
There's got to be something here we can sell.
How about Mom's engagement ring? Kelly! Now, that ring is a symbol of our love.
We could never, heh-heh, put a price on that.
That's right, honey.
Like they say: glass is forever.
Hey.
Oh, come on, Al.
I had it appraised the day after our wedding.
Remember when you were resting? It was a big day for Mommy, honey.
Yeah.
That was the last day of rest for Daddy.
Hm.
What about Kelly's school books? We could sell these.
Oh, yeah, my English book.
Oh, I ain't got no use for that.
Honey, these school books are very important to your future.
Oh, who am I kidding? Let's see what condition they're in.
Well, let's see.
Wait a minute.
What do we got here? What's this? Detention, detention.
Expulsion.
Oh, here's something interesting.
Host a foreign exchange student, receive $500 a month expenses.
That's what we'll do, Peg.
We'll get us one of those $500-a-month foreigners.
Gee, I don't know, honey.
We don't have much room.
Where are they going to sleep? Well, what's the garage for? I know, I know! It's for the car.
We'll move it over to the side.
Yeah, but it's freezing in there, Dad.
Hey, I didn't say weshould sleep in the garage.
[LAUGHING.]
I wonder when little "Y-vette" will get here.
Uh, Kelly.
I believe her name is pronounced "Yvette.
" I was pronouncing it in English.
Oh, man, what a break.
Getting a 17-year-old French babe.
Sniff, sniff.
Oh, the times we'll have.
Don't go boinging around the house just yet, toad boy.
Frenchie's all mine.
At last I'll have, like, a sister.
A real girl.
Not just a boy trapped in a pimple's body.
It'll be great.
I can teach her about American guys, and she can carry my school supplies.
You know, like my music, my walkman, my overnight bag my make-up.
The red light bulb that goes over your head.
Oh, you mean like when I get an idea? Al, do you think we should've picked Yvette up at the bus station? No.
I hate bus stations.
Vagrants, winos There's people there who'd cut your throat for a nickel.
I think I see someone.
She's dragging her trunk down the street.
Al, give her a hand.
Hey! Over here! Boy, it's getting cold out there.
[KNOCK.]
[FRENCH ACCENT.]
Hello, my name is Yvette.
Hello.
Welcome to our country.
We have so many questions to ask you.
Um, what's your country like? Uh, how was your trip? Where's our money? I apologize for "ze animals.
" I'm Bud Bundy, your love interest.
And this is Mom and Dad.
And I'm Kelly.
You'll be going to school with me, so if there's a heinie to be kissed around here, it's mine.
Oh, my, you are so attractive.
Are all American girls as beautiful as you? In their dreams.
Well, I am so happy to be in Chicago, land of the Cubs and the big wind.
Al.
It wasn't me.
Oh.
I would love to talk for hours, but I'm cold and tired.
Uh, where will I be sleeping? My room is this way.
The left side of the bed is for you.
That's because he wets to the right.
Oh, now, kids.
No, honey, you'll be staying in the guest room next to the car.
Yeah.
Now, if it's a little chilly in there, don't worry about it.
We're going to try to get that garage-door down real soon.
Got it! $500.
Ha, ha! Gimme that.
Well, I've had a long flight, and a long walk from downtown, so I'm a-- I'm a little hungry.
Do you think I could have a little bite-- And this is the hall where my locker is.
Uh, Kelly, we've been at school for hours.
Will we be going in a classroom today? Look, do you want to see how it's done in America, or what? I'm sorry.
What happens next? Well, first we'll meet some boys.
Uh, how do we do that? Kelly, hi! Hi, listen.
Saturday nights my parents are out.
Hey, I was talking to Kelly.
Oh, you are so popular.
Yeah, well, I'm kind of like The Beatles of the 20th century.
Now, do what I did.
Oh, no.
I'm far too shy.
Go ahead.
Maybe you'll get one.
Hi, I'm Hank.
Welcome to Polk High.
What's your name? Yvette.
Nice to meet you.
A toast to the French.
It's a foul little country, but they sure do know how to write a check.
[LAUGHING.]
Kelly, honey, aren't you going to eat your dinner? I'm not hungry.
Let me have that.
Watch out, over there! What's wrong, you ask? Well, I'm socially dead, yesterday's girl, a Bud.
Why, you ask? Okay, well, I'll tell you.
Because the little French poodle that you all love is taking all my action.
Oh, Daddy, what's a washed-up has-been supposed to do? [GRUNTS.]
Mom, what kind of guys will I wind up with when no one else wants me? [GRUNTS.]
Oh, no.
Aw, come on, Kel.
So Yvette makes you look like day-old eggs.
So what? There's still hope for you.
Why, you could be a coat rack, an ashtray, a speed bump.
Listen to your brother.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Mm, door.
Get the door.
Door.
Sure, I have no life.
I'll get it.
Maybe it's someone from the future Geeks of America wanting me to join.
Yep.
It's the founders.
Hi, Kelly.
Uh, Peggy, may we talk to you for a second? Let me have that.
Gimme that! Mmm? Uh, Peggy, we don't know how to tell you this-- Well, I do, Steve.
Peggy, Al has a young girl living in your garage.
We saw her last night burning leaves for warmth in your driveway.
The pig didn't even have the decency to set her up in an apartment.
Well, it's not that easy, Marcie.
You got to buy money orders under a different name to pay the rent, Then where do you keep the extra key? Just try to get a phone with an alias these days.
Not that I've ever given it much thought.
Well, anyway, here are some pictures of her we took and the name of a good divorce attorney.
I'm sorry we had to be the ones to tell you this.
[CHUCKLING.]
Look, I know all about it.
She's just a foreign exchange student that's living here.
And other than having to honk when we want to get out of the garage, she's--she's really been no problem at all.
Yeah.
No problem for anyone but little me.
What's the matter, Kelly? Oh, it's that Yvette is dating all her boyfriends, and Kelly has the social life of a barn owl.
Kelly's a little depressed.
Could you handle this? We're eating.
Oh, now, Kelly.
You mustn't worry over this.
You may find this hard to believe, but I myself wasn't popular in school.
The hell you say.
No, it's true.
I couldn't get a date with a cool guy, no matter how much I put out.
I mean tried.
So I finally started dating a nerd.
Ha! [HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH.]
You dated a nerd? Yes.
His name was Well, his name isn't important.
My friends couldn't believe I'd sunk so low.
Boy, did they laugh when I let him take me to the homecoming dance.
Wait a second.
I took you to the homecoming dance.
That's right.
You did.
Anyway, we went on dating, and I endured the laughter and the ridicule, and I came to marry Well, his name isn't important.
The point is, yesterday's nerd can grow up to be a wonderful and giving man.
So, if all you can get is a nerd, I say try one.
I did.
Hey.
Wait a minute.
I know who you're talking about.
And let me tell you something, you think you heard laughter? Well, when I was dating you, I had a few milk bones slipped into my pocket.
I was pretty! My mother told me so.
Compared to your mother, you were.
Oh, so now you don't like my mother.
What's not to like? A 60-year-old woman who played the drums.
Nerd.
Geek girl.
So that's my future.
Well, that and 40 pounds.
Never.
I will never sink so low as to date a nerd.
I may not have much, but at least I have my pride.
It's been an illuminating evening, Miss Bundy.
I'm sorry I spilled my prune juice on your blouse.
Yeah, and I'm sorry I punched you in the pelvis.
Oh.
Perhaps I can have the pleasure of your company again next Friday.
The museum is having a quite interesting exhibit on the ever-changing mollusk.
Well, only if you wear your green pencil pouch.
Turns them all on.
Well, I've had a great time, guys, but I got to run.
Mwah, mwah! Kelly, you know what would make this the perfect evening? Oh, what, Myron? If Yvette would kiss me good night.
You just blew a good thing, baby.
Oh, my, I'm so tired.
Thank goodness you taught me how to sleep at school.
Uh, so how was your date with Le Grand Geek? Well, we sat around with his parents and they showed me slides of their vacation to the Ticonderoga pencil factory.
You know, the number 2 pencil is the backbone of the industry.
That's very fascinating.
No, it isn't.
It's the prattle of the dead.
Listen, Yvette, we really need to discuss-- Oh, I would love to talk to my little American sister, but my next date will be here any moment.
Uh, he told me I could wear your leather mini.
You don't mind, do you? I mean, you are in for the evening, no? Thanks.
* Dum dum dum Dum dum dum dum * Mmm.
* Dum dum dum Dum dum * Hi, Grandma.
Oops.
Sorry, Kel.
Must've been the way the light hit your crow's feet.
Bud, what are you doing? I'm building a home entertainment center.
Bud, I need your help.
I'm desperate.
No, you're not.
Desperate still implies hope.
You wouldn't want to help me get rid of Yvette, would you? Pffffft! Well, I can't take this anymore.
I'm going to have to do it myself.
Kelly, I say this with all sincerity.
If you truly, truly want to get rid of her, I'll kill you.
I really will.
This is not a joke.
Dead.
Uh, Bud, what are you doing? Uh I'm, uh I'm-I'm giving you s-some ventilation you know, so the heat can get through.
Oh, it's all right, Bud.
I don't mind if you peep.
Yeah, I'll give that up The day they pry her from my cold, dead hand.
What a cute little fellow.
He's toilet film.
Au revoir.
Well, excuse me, young lady, but where are you think you're going? On a date.
Oh, no you're not.
I got a call from the principal today.
And it seems you're failing all your subjects.
We just can't have that.
I'm failing too.
Uh, Kelly, please, we're talking to Yvette.
He didn't mean that, dear.
You have to study too.
I suppose, ha-ha.
But if she fails, she has to go back home.
And we're out We're responsible for your education.
You know, and if there's one thing we are, it's responsible parents.
[SNAPPING SOUND.]
Oh! Stop that, Al.
I can't help it.
I'm giddy.
Must be from all this darn eating.
Oh, ho, ho! Come here.
Come here.
Well, I guess we better study.
I'd love to, but I've got to go dust off my accordion for school tomorrow.
I've got my eye on the big, fat tuba player.
Oh please, Kelly, you have to help me.
I'll beg someone to go out with you.
If I fail, I'll have to go back to France, and I'll have to give up all your boyfriends.
Listen, Yvette, there's no point in us both staying home.
Go out.
Have a good time.
I'll study, and when we take our test you can copy off me.
Oh, you would do that for me? Oh, what are little American sisters for? [PEG SIGHS.]
Okay, who wants seconds on crust? I can't believe it.
Yvette flunked every subject.
She even flunked French.
She must be the stupidest girl in the world.
Well, I'm the stupidest girl in America.
I know you are, pumpkin, but we're talking about something important now.
Honey, you're important too.
Just not as important as 500 bucks.
Oh, Al, now they'll never give us another exchange student.
Yeah, I never got to use my holes.
Well, what about me? I lost a sister.
I'm hurting too.
[CAR HORN HONKS.]
Oops.
My dates are here.
"Au verar!" [***.]
Kids, I gotta tell ya, I love the day after Thanksgiving.
We already got that "giving thanks" crap out of the way, and we get to have leftovers.
Peg, is it ready yet? Here it comes! Ah! You know, Daddy, that was a great idea last night: to only eat the cheese so we'd have the crust for today.
AL: Yeah! I'll bet a lot of other stupid families ate their whole pizza last night.
And today they're probably just looking at the old empty cardboard box.
Uh-huh.
I can't do it.
Dad, I think I speak for us all.
This really bites the big one.
Why can't we have turkey like real people? Aw, now, Bud.
It's not like your father is a doctor or a lawyer or a bathroom attendant or a circus geek.
He's just a shoe salesman, doing the best he can.
Okay, Peg, I think we get the message here.
Obviously, this is the fault of the only one who works around here.
That would be, let me see mm, mm, mm Well, goldarn it, it's me.
Well, what the heck, I'll quit.
Then we'll be a-eating, won't we? Oh, honey, nobody wants you to quit.
We all appreciate what you do for this family.
[LAUGHING.]
Well, we might as well face the facts.
This food thing isn't going to go away.
We've gotta get some money here.
There's got to be something here we can sell.
How about Mom's engagement ring? Kelly! Now, that ring is a symbol of our love.
We could never, heh-heh, put a price on that.
That's right, honey.
Like they say: glass is forever.
Hey.
Oh, come on, Al.
I had it appraised the day after our wedding.
Remember when you were resting? It was a big day for Mommy, honey.
Yeah.
That was the last day of rest for Daddy.
Hm.
What about Kelly's school books? We could sell these.
Oh, yeah, my English book.
Oh, I ain't got no use for that.
Honey, these school books are very important to your future.
Oh, who am I kidding? Let's see what condition they're in.
Well, let's see.
Wait a minute.
What do we got here? What's this? Detention, detention.
Expulsion.
Oh, here's something interesting.
Host a foreign exchange student, receive $500 a month expenses.
That's what we'll do, Peg.
We'll get us one of those $500-a-month foreigners.
Gee, I don't know, honey.
We don't have much room.
Where are they going to sleep? Well, what's the garage for? I know, I know! It's for the car.
We'll move it over to the side.
Yeah, but it's freezing in there, Dad.
Hey, I didn't say weshould sleep in the garage.
[LAUGHING.]
I wonder when little "Y-vette" will get here.
Uh, Kelly.
I believe her name is pronounced "Yvette.
" I was pronouncing it in English.
Oh, man, what a break.
Getting a 17-year-old French babe.
Sniff, sniff.
Oh, the times we'll have.
Don't go boinging around the house just yet, toad boy.
Frenchie's all mine.
At last I'll have, like, a sister.
A real girl.
Not just a boy trapped in a pimple's body.
It'll be great.
I can teach her about American guys, and she can carry my school supplies.
You know, like my music, my walkman, my overnight bag my make-up.
The red light bulb that goes over your head.
Oh, you mean like when I get an idea? Al, do you think we should've picked Yvette up at the bus station? No.
I hate bus stations.
Vagrants, winos There's people there who'd cut your throat for a nickel.
I think I see someone.
She's dragging her trunk down the street.
Al, give her a hand.
Hey! Over here! Boy, it's getting cold out there.
[KNOCK.]
[FRENCH ACCENT.]
Hello, my name is Yvette.
Hello.
Welcome to our country.
We have so many questions to ask you.
Um, what's your country like? Uh, how was your trip? Where's our money? I apologize for "ze animals.
" I'm Bud Bundy, your love interest.
And this is Mom and Dad.
And I'm Kelly.
You'll be going to school with me, so if there's a heinie to be kissed around here, it's mine.
Oh, my, you are so attractive.
Are all American girls as beautiful as you? In their dreams.
Well, I am so happy to be in Chicago, land of the Cubs and the big wind.
Al.
It wasn't me.
Oh.
I would love to talk for hours, but I'm cold and tired.
Uh, where will I be sleeping? My room is this way.
The left side of the bed is for you.
That's because he wets to the right.
Oh, now, kids.
No, honey, you'll be staying in the guest room next to the car.
Yeah.
Now, if it's a little chilly in there, don't worry about it.
We're going to try to get that garage-door down real soon.
Got it! $500.
Ha, ha! Gimme that.
Well, I've had a long flight, and a long walk from downtown, so I'm a-- I'm a little hungry.
Do you think I could have a little bite-- And this is the hall where my locker is.
Uh, Kelly, we've been at school for hours.
Will we be going in a classroom today? Look, do you want to see how it's done in America, or what? I'm sorry.
What happens next? Well, first we'll meet some boys.
Uh, how do we do that? Kelly, hi! Hi, listen.
Saturday nights my parents are out.
Hey, I was talking to Kelly.
Oh, you are so popular.
Yeah, well, I'm kind of like The Beatles of the 20th century.
Now, do what I did.
Oh, no.
I'm far too shy.
Go ahead.
Maybe you'll get one.
Hi, I'm Hank.
Welcome to Polk High.
What's your name? Yvette.
Nice to meet you.
A toast to the French.
It's a foul little country, but they sure do know how to write a check.
[LAUGHING.]
Kelly, honey, aren't you going to eat your dinner? I'm not hungry.
Let me have that.
Watch out, over there! What's wrong, you ask? Well, I'm socially dead, yesterday's girl, a Bud.
Why, you ask? Okay, well, I'll tell you.
Because the little French poodle that you all love is taking all my action.
Oh, Daddy, what's a washed-up has-been supposed to do? [GRUNTS.]
Mom, what kind of guys will I wind up with when no one else wants me? [GRUNTS.]
Oh, no.
Aw, come on, Kel.
So Yvette makes you look like day-old eggs.
So what? There's still hope for you.
Why, you could be a coat rack, an ashtray, a speed bump.
Listen to your brother.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Mm, door.
Get the door.
Door.
Sure, I have no life.
I'll get it.
Maybe it's someone from the future Geeks of America wanting me to join.
Yep.
It's the founders.
Hi, Kelly.
Uh, Peggy, may we talk to you for a second? Let me have that.
Gimme that! Mmm? Uh, Peggy, we don't know how to tell you this-- Well, I do, Steve.
Peggy, Al has a young girl living in your garage.
We saw her last night burning leaves for warmth in your driveway.
The pig didn't even have the decency to set her up in an apartment.
Well, it's not that easy, Marcie.
You got to buy money orders under a different name to pay the rent, Then where do you keep the extra key? Just try to get a phone with an alias these days.
Not that I've ever given it much thought.
Well, anyway, here are some pictures of her we took and the name of a good divorce attorney.
I'm sorry we had to be the ones to tell you this.
[CHUCKLING.]
Look, I know all about it.
She's just a foreign exchange student that's living here.
And other than having to honk when we want to get out of the garage, she's--she's really been no problem at all.
Yeah.
No problem for anyone but little me.
What's the matter, Kelly? Oh, it's that Yvette is dating all her boyfriends, and Kelly has the social life of a barn owl.
Kelly's a little depressed.
Could you handle this? We're eating.
Oh, now, Kelly.
You mustn't worry over this.
You may find this hard to believe, but I myself wasn't popular in school.
The hell you say.
No, it's true.
I couldn't get a date with a cool guy, no matter how much I put out.
I mean tried.
So I finally started dating a nerd.
Ha! [HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH.]
You dated a nerd? Yes.
His name was Well, his name isn't important.
My friends couldn't believe I'd sunk so low.
Boy, did they laugh when I let him take me to the homecoming dance.
Wait a second.
I took you to the homecoming dance.
That's right.
You did.
Anyway, we went on dating, and I endured the laughter and the ridicule, and I came to marry Well, his name isn't important.
The point is, yesterday's nerd can grow up to be a wonderful and giving man.
So, if all you can get is a nerd, I say try one.
I did.
Hey.
Wait a minute.
I know who you're talking about.
And let me tell you something, you think you heard laughter? Well, when I was dating you, I had a few milk bones slipped into my pocket.
I was pretty! My mother told me so.
Compared to your mother, you were.
Oh, so now you don't like my mother.
What's not to like? A 60-year-old woman who played the drums.
Nerd.
Geek girl.
So that's my future.
Well, that and 40 pounds.
Never.
I will never sink so low as to date a nerd.
I may not have much, but at least I have my pride.
It's been an illuminating evening, Miss Bundy.
I'm sorry I spilled my prune juice on your blouse.
Yeah, and I'm sorry I punched you in the pelvis.
Oh.
Perhaps I can have the pleasure of your company again next Friday.
The museum is having a quite interesting exhibit on the ever-changing mollusk.
Well, only if you wear your green pencil pouch.
Turns them all on.
Well, I've had a great time, guys, but I got to run.
Mwah, mwah! Kelly, you know what would make this the perfect evening? Oh, what, Myron? If Yvette would kiss me good night.
You just blew a good thing, baby.
Oh, my, I'm so tired.
Thank goodness you taught me how to sleep at school.
Uh, so how was your date with Le Grand Geek? Well, we sat around with his parents and they showed me slides of their vacation to the Ticonderoga pencil factory.
You know, the number 2 pencil is the backbone of the industry.
That's very fascinating.
No, it isn't.
It's the prattle of the dead.
Listen, Yvette, we really need to discuss-- Oh, I would love to talk to my little American sister, but my next date will be here any moment.
Uh, he told me I could wear your leather mini.
You don't mind, do you? I mean, you are in for the evening, no? Thanks.
* Dum dum dum Dum dum dum dum * Mmm.
* Dum dum dum Dum dum * Hi, Grandma.
Oops.
Sorry, Kel.
Must've been the way the light hit your crow's feet.
Bud, what are you doing? I'm building a home entertainment center.
Bud, I need your help.
I'm desperate.
No, you're not.
Desperate still implies hope.
You wouldn't want to help me get rid of Yvette, would you? Pffffft! Well, I can't take this anymore.
I'm going to have to do it myself.
Kelly, I say this with all sincerity.
If you truly, truly want to get rid of her, I'll kill you.
I really will.
This is not a joke.
Dead.
Uh, Bud, what are you doing? Uh I'm, uh I'm-I'm giving you s-some ventilation you know, so the heat can get through.
Oh, it's all right, Bud.
I don't mind if you peep.
Yeah, I'll give that up The day they pry her from my cold, dead hand.
What a cute little fellow.
He's toilet film.
Au revoir.
Well, excuse me, young lady, but where are you think you're going? On a date.
Oh, no you're not.
I got a call from the principal today.
And it seems you're failing all your subjects.
We just can't have that.
I'm failing too.
Uh, Kelly, please, we're talking to Yvette.
He didn't mean that, dear.
You have to study too.
I suppose, ha-ha.
But if she fails, she has to go back home.
And we're out We're responsible for your education.
You know, and if there's one thing we are, it's responsible parents.
[SNAPPING SOUND.]
Oh! Stop that, Al.
I can't help it.
I'm giddy.
Must be from all this darn eating.
Oh, ho, ho! Come here.
Come here.
Well, I guess we better study.
I'd love to, but I've got to go dust off my accordion for school tomorrow.
I've got my eye on the big, fat tuba player.
Oh please, Kelly, you have to help me.
I'll beg someone to go out with you.
If I fail, I'll have to go back to France, and I'll have to give up all your boyfriends.
Listen, Yvette, there's no point in us both staying home.
Go out.
Have a good time.
I'll study, and when we take our test you can copy off me.
Oh, you would do that for me? Oh, what are little American sisters for? [PEG SIGHS.]
Okay, who wants seconds on crust? I can't believe it.
Yvette flunked every subject.
She even flunked French.
She must be the stupidest girl in the world.
Well, I'm the stupidest girl in America.
I know you are, pumpkin, but we're talking about something important now.
Honey, you're important too.
Just not as important as 500 bucks.
Oh, Al, now they'll never give us another exchange student.
Yeah, I never got to use my holes.
Well, what about me? I lost a sister.
I'm hurting too.
[CAR HORN HONKS.]
Oops.
My dates are here.
"Au verar!" [***.]