Married with Children s05e11 Episode Script
And Baby Makes Money
Why do we have go through the family album and X out the dead guy? Well, Dad said it helps at Christmastime.
"Never send a present to someone who won't send one back.
" Then we should X out Mom and Dad.
Soon enough, Kel.
Soon enough.
Well, I guess it's buenos nachos to Uncle Stymie.
Yup.
Uncle Stymie was the only Bundy to have died of natural causes.
And to be named after a Little Rascal.
I can't believe this guy's actually rich.
Was he a real Bundy? Well, Dad explained it to me.
He was the only male Bundy never to marry.
I just hope Dad's not too broken up over this.
I mean, Uncle Stymie was his favorite.
Oh, God, why did it have to be him? Why did it have to be him? W- was that convincing, Peg? I wasn't pushing it too much, was I? I mean, I don't wanna seem greedy at the will reading.
Well, then maybe you shouldn't have asked for dibs on his gold fillings.
What do you think, Peg? Hankie? No hankie? Uh, better no hankie.
It's still crusty from that flu that hit the family in '84.
Hey, what do you think your uncle was worth, Dad? Bud, how can you put a worth on the life of a man like Uncle Buckwheat? Stymie, Al.
What's the difference? Neither one of them were germane to the plots.
The point is he saved all his money, and now, I'm gonna get it.
Let's go, Peg.
Hey, wait a minute.
You two aren't going.
Why? We loved Uncle Spanky just as much as the next man.
You don't even know his name.
Look, what Daddy means is that the sadness would just be too much for you kids.
They're not coming back.
They're taking the money and leaving.
I know it.
Now, kids, do you really think we could enjoy this money without sharing it with you? We're going to this funeral.
All right.
But before you do, I think we should all have a moment of silence for our dear Uncle, uh Gang.
Amen.
We've been had.
"And so the legacy "I, Stymie C.
Bundy, leave you, "the last surviving male Bundys, "is proof that a male Bundy can achieve greatness.
"Did I mention that I never married? "Well, regardless, "I'm sure you men "have all become successful in your own ways.
"Iggy Bundy, "I'm sure you became "the astronaut you dreamed of.
"Lester Bundy, "I'm sure you achieved your dream "of becoming a brain surgeon.
"Eugene Bundy, "I wonder if you achieved your goal of becoming bank president.
" I did.
"And last, and most certainly least, "Al Bundy.
Al, get your hands out of your pants.
" "You never really had a dream, "but I only hope you had the sense "to dump that wild redhead who stole my wallet.
"In conclusion, "rather than dividing my estate "between all you vultures, I've decided to make one Bundy really happy.
" If it's you, Al, I really love you.
If it's me, I-- I don't even know you.
"Therefore, it is my final wish "that the first couple to give birth to a Bundy male "named after me "and born in wedlock "will receive my entire estate.
That sum being $500,000.
" Uh, this may be a stupid question, but why would you hide your birth control pills? Safety precaution.
Oh.
Kelly.
No.
Al.
Heh.
He got ahold of them once.
He thought they were food I was hiding in my purse.
So he ate them while watching a ball game.
Heh.
You know, he actually kind of liked it, because he didn't have to shave for a month.
I don't get it.
Why take birth control, when you could get 500,000 bucks for a Bundy baby boy? Plus what the zoo would pay you for it.
You know, I wouldn't have another baby if gold dust dripped out of its nose.
I mean, sure, the money would be nice, but I mean, all that trouble.
The screaming and the crying and changing those diapers three or four times a week.
Well, at least that left your weekends free.
You'd think.
Heh.
But I mean, you go away for the weekend, and when you come home, they are never where you left them.
And then, of course, there's that 10 months of pregnancy.
Ten? Male Bundys never wanna come out.
Oh, and then once they're out, they never wanna go back in again.
But, you know, for once, Al is excited about sex.
And I am not gonna dampen his enthusiasm with little details.
So let me get this straight.
You're turning down half a mil to have sex with Al for free.
Mm-hm.
Personally, I would rather drive back and forth over a speed bump.
But I guess that's just me.
And every other woman in the world.
By the way, where is the stallion? Oh, he's out buying Playboy, Penthouse, Biker Babes, heh.
You know, a little gas for the engine.
How disgusting that a man should need outside stimulation.
It's so insulting to a woman.
Who do you think of when you're with Al? James Bond.
All of them.
How about you? Oh, I like to keep my fantasies simple.
It starts with me in a really tight, short dress at the end of a bar.
At the other end, they're greasing up Mike Tyson.
He's shadowboxing and starting to sweat.
Then the scene changes.
It's now Madison Square Garden.
A smoky crowd throbs with anticipation.
"Go, Marcie," they buzz.
Tyson turns into George Foreman, who eyes me like a basket of muffins.
The bell rings.
I try to fight, but I'm powerless.
Then our eyes meet.
He gives me the old one-two.
The crowd is on its feet cheering.
I'm down.
The count starts.
The crowd's screaming, "Get up!" But I can't.
I won't! Take me, Mandingo! And thensometimes I get a little kinky.
Peg tonight your name is Guinevere, and you were born in-- Yikes! Now look what you've done.
You might have cost me $500,000.
What are you doing here? Collecting smells for the poor.
You have so much.
Couldn't you please spare some for those poor unfortunates who have no odor to call their own? Peg, this is not helping Lancelot.
Marcie, I'll call you when we're done.
So you better run home and get by the phone.
It'll be ringing in about a minute.
Let's go, baby.
Well, what's wrong, honey? Marcie looked at me.
I might be shot for the night.
I need some-- I need some incentive.
Incentive.
Incentive.
Okay.
We're in a boxing ring.
You're George Foreman, and I'm, uh-- Oh, no, no, no.
That's my incentive.
Okay.
Uh, you want me to run upstairs and put on a garter belt? Ah How about my short pink teddy? You're not helping me, Peg.
I need some real incentive.
Okay.
Okay, honey, I got it.
Now, just picture this: you're sitting on the couch in front of a big-screen TV.
Forty-inch? I wish.
What? I mean, yeah.
So there you are, in front of this big-screen TV.
And on top of it is this nice, shiny VHS.
Just look how clear that picture is.
Slow down, baby.
Slow down.
And every machine in this house is wired to one remote control unit.
And that remote control is yours, big boy.
Let's go, Peg.
We got things to do, eyes to blindfold, and babies to make.
You know, it may not work the first time, honey.
I don't care.
If it takes a million tries and a million tears, that young'un shall be yours.
And that money shall be mine.
Come on, babe.
Let's go die a little.
"To test for pregnancy, mix sample A with reagent B.
" What's reagent B? Hi, Daddy.
What you doing? Uh, nothing you need to know about, honey.
Oh, a home pregnancy test.
Let me show you.
Now, you just fill the dropper to the line and then shake the mix with the anti-HCG conjugate.
Put it back into the stand, add the litmus key And if the test area-- not the control area -- turns blue, then you have a positive reading.
I, uh saw the professor do it on Gilligan's Island.
Oh, well, that's okay.
Now, it's clear.
What does that mean? Well, it means that you can still take PE.
Al.
Honey, my temperature's up.
I can't believe it.
Two weeks, and she's not pregnant yet.
It's like having two menial jobs.
Having fun, Dad? Go on with you.
Any Bundys get pregnant yet? Nope.
Good.
I still got a shot.
I just can't believe the babes haven't been calling though.
I mean, I'm offering me and a half million.
I mean, I'll even marry the broad.
What more could a girl want? A spine-crushing accident? A bald spot? A weekend in Des Moines with Orville Redenbacher and his really cool grandson? I know you're just kidding.
Because I'm cool.
I am.
I know I am.
I took the quiz in Boys' Life.
Come on, Peg! Tell me what I wanna hear, baby! Five hundred thousand dollars, baby! Half a mil! What if they do have another baby? It'll be so confusing.
I mean, what would that be to me? A tutor? Well, I hope they don't do it.
I remember before you hatched, I used to get some attention.
I like to think that if you were never born, that I would have been the one who was able to read.
There, that should have done it.
* He works hard For the money * * So hard for it Honey * * He works hard * * For the money * * So you'd better * * Treat him right * * He works hard For the money * * So hard for it Honey * * He works hard For the money * * So you'd better Treat him right * * He works hard * * For the money * * Hard for the money * * So hard for it Honey * * Hard for it Honey * * He works hard For the money * * So you'd better * * Better * * Treat him right * * He works hard, hard * * Hard, hard * * Hard for the money * * Hard, hard * * Hard for it Honey * * Hard for the money * * So you'd better * * Treat him right * * He works hard, hard, hard * * Hard, hard, hard, hard * Hi, Mom.
What are you doing? Uh I'm, uh taking fertility pills.
There.
All fertile.
Where's Daddy? Oh, uh, he's out back getting some exercise.
Hm.
Al.
Honey.
My temperature is higher than it's ever been.
Daddy said he can't do it anymore.
You're killing him.
Oh, come on, Al.
Just one more time.
You'll never have to do it again.
Daddy says that he can "snargly heathe.
" Hardly breathe.
Al It's half a million dollars.
You could get cable with that kind of money.
He says, "Let's boogie.
" Do you want your Gatorade, Daddy? Okay.
Brace me.
God, he's light as a feather.
Hello.
I'm looking for Mr.
Al Bundy.
I was Al Bundy.
I'm personally letting the heirs know that the race is over.
Thank God.
Who won? I did.
You're not a Bundy.
I am now.
Right after the will reading, I married Eugene.
Come, Eugene.
This is the product Stymie, Jr.
I got Eugene a kind of work release program.
And work he did.
Honey, I'll-- I'll be out in six years.
You-- ? You'll hold the money for us, won't you? Of course, darling.
Now, just don't get shot trying to escape or something.
Then what would I do? So long, Uncle Eugene.
Well, there's another fruitcake we won't have to send at Christmas.
Well, at least it's over.
But I don't get it.
A thousand times, and nothing.
I barely touched her, and I had you two.
Well, at least my appetite came back.
Al, it's planting time.
I'd like to plant a shovel right between her barren eyes.
But first, some food.
Then I'll be able to watch TV sitting up again.
Hey, I remember these.
Tasty, crunchy.
Good for snacking right out of the box.
Daddy, don't eat those.
Those are birth control pills.
No, they're not.
They're fertility pills.
Mom's been taking them.
Al, I'm waiting.
Leave me.
Uh, Dad-- Leave me.
Be right there, punny.
I- I just wanna check your last test first.
Gee, I hope it's positive.
Oh, I have a good feeling about this one.
Oh, for joy.
For joy! We are blessed! We're what? We're what? We did it, babe.
Well, that's impossible.
That can't be.
I mean, not that I'm not really happy.
I-- Oh, God.
Ah, there, there, my little baby oven.
Don't you ever touch me again.
Oh.
Diapers and doodie.
Feed me.
Wash me.
Unlock my door.
Oh, my life is truly over.
Well, at least there's the money.
Oh, honey.
I forgot to tell you.
I found out today that someone beat us to it.
But, honey, why should we worry? We have a love child on the way.
Wouldn't it be great if we got twins? I feel fat! Oh, honey, that means just more of you to love.
Like 100 pounds.
Gee, I hope you don't get morning sickness again.
You know.
I-isn't it, like, every day around this time? Gee, I don't feel so good.
Ah, it's gonna be lots of fun.
A- and you'll be beautiful, what with that glow and the varicose veins, and your nose swelling up like a Christmas wino.
But, honey, as I recall, pregnancy was the happiest time of your life.
Well, that and the three years it took you to lose the weight.
Al, you are a pig.
Yeah, but it won't be me squealing those 40 hours during labor.
Wh-- ? What's the matter, honey? You look kind of pale.
H- how about some nice clams and peas? Eh, tomorrow, I'll shrink all her clothes.
Oh, mother of God! Yeah, you can't buy that for half a mil.
"Never send a present to someone who won't send one back.
" Then we should X out Mom and Dad.
Soon enough, Kel.
Soon enough.
Well, I guess it's buenos nachos to Uncle Stymie.
Yup.
Uncle Stymie was the only Bundy to have died of natural causes.
And to be named after a Little Rascal.
I can't believe this guy's actually rich.
Was he a real Bundy? Well, Dad explained it to me.
He was the only male Bundy never to marry.
I just hope Dad's not too broken up over this.
I mean, Uncle Stymie was his favorite.
Oh, God, why did it have to be him? Why did it have to be him? W- was that convincing, Peg? I wasn't pushing it too much, was I? I mean, I don't wanna seem greedy at the will reading.
Well, then maybe you shouldn't have asked for dibs on his gold fillings.
What do you think, Peg? Hankie? No hankie? Uh, better no hankie.
It's still crusty from that flu that hit the family in '84.
Hey, what do you think your uncle was worth, Dad? Bud, how can you put a worth on the life of a man like Uncle Buckwheat? Stymie, Al.
What's the difference? Neither one of them were germane to the plots.
The point is he saved all his money, and now, I'm gonna get it.
Let's go, Peg.
Hey, wait a minute.
You two aren't going.
Why? We loved Uncle Spanky just as much as the next man.
You don't even know his name.
Look, what Daddy means is that the sadness would just be too much for you kids.
They're not coming back.
They're taking the money and leaving.
I know it.
Now, kids, do you really think we could enjoy this money without sharing it with you? We're going to this funeral.
All right.
But before you do, I think we should all have a moment of silence for our dear Uncle, uh Gang.
Amen.
We've been had.
"And so the legacy "I, Stymie C.
Bundy, leave you, "the last surviving male Bundys, "is proof that a male Bundy can achieve greatness.
"Did I mention that I never married? "Well, regardless, "I'm sure you men "have all become successful in your own ways.
"Iggy Bundy, "I'm sure you became "the astronaut you dreamed of.
"Lester Bundy, "I'm sure you achieved your dream "of becoming a brain surgeon.
"Eugene Bundy, "I wonder if you achieved your goal of becoming bank president.
" I did.
"And last, and most certainly least, "Al Bundy.
Al, get your hands out of your pants.
" "You never really had a dream, "but I only hope you had the sense "to dump that wild redhead who stole my wallet.
"In conclusion, "rather than dividing my estate "between all you vultures, I've decided to make one Bundy really happy.
" If it's you, Al, I really love you.
If it's me, I-- I don't even know you.
"Therefore, it is my final wish "that the first couple to give birth to a Bundy male "named after me "and born in wedlock "will receive my entire estate.
That sum being $500,000.
" Uh, this may be a stupid question, but why would you hide your birth control pills? Safety precaution.
Oh.
Kelly.
No.
Al.
Heh.
He got ahold of them once.
He thought they were food I was hiding in my purse.
So he ate them while watching a ball game.
Heh.
You know, he actually kind of liked it, because he didn't have to shave for a month.
I don't get it.
Why take birth control, when you could get 500,000 bucks for a Bundy baby boy? Plus what the zoo would pay you for it.
You know, I wouldn't have another baby if gold dust dripped out of its nose.
I mean, sure, the money would be nice, but I mean, all that trouble.
The screaming and the crying and changing those diapers three or four times a week.
Well, at least that left your weekends free.
You'd think.
Heh.
But I mean, you go away for the weekend, and when you come home, they are never where you left them.
And then, of course, there's that 10 months of pregnancy.
Ten? Male Bundys never wanna come out.
Oh, and then once they're out, they never wanna go back in again.
But, you know, for once, Al is excited about sex.
And I am not gonna dampen his enthusiasm with little details.
So let me get this straight.
You're turning down half a mil to have sex with Al for free.
Mm-hm.
Personally, I would rather drive back and forth over a speed bump.
But I guess that's just me.
And every other woman in the world.
By the way, where is the stallion? Oh, he's out buying Playboy, Penthouse, Biker Babes, heh.
You know, a little gas for the engine.
How disgusting that a man should need outside stimulation.
It's so insulting to a woman.
Who do you think of when you're with Al? James Bond.
All of them.
How about you? Oh, I like to keep my fantasies simple.
It starts with me in a really tight, short dress at the end of a bar.
At the other end, they're greasing up Mike Tyson.
He's shadowboxing and starting to sweat.
Then the scene changes.
It's now Madison Square Garden.
A smoky crowd throbs with anticipation.
"Go, Marcie," they buzz.
Tyson turns into George Foreman, who eyes me like a basket of muffins.
The bell rings.
I try to fight, but I'm powerless.
Then our eyes meet.
He gives me the old one-two.
The crowd is on its feet cheering.
I'm down.
The count starts.
The crowd's screaming, "Get up!" But I can't.
I won't! Take me, Mandingo! And thensometimes I get a little kinky.
Peg tonight your name is Guinevere, and you were born in-- Yikes! Now look what you've done.
You might have cost me $500,000.
What are you doing here? Collecting smells for the poor.
You have so much.
Couldn't you please spare some for those poor unfortunates who have no odor to call their own? Peg, this is not helping Lancelot.
Marcie, I'll call you when we're done.
So you better run home and get by the phone.
It'll be ringing in about a minute.
Let's go, baby.
Well, what's wrong, honey? Marcie looked at me.
I might be shot for the night.
I need some-- I need some incentive.
Incentive.
Incentive.
Okay.
We're in a boxing ring.
You're George Foreman, and I'm, uh-- Oh, no, no, no.
That's my incentive.
Okay.
Uh, you want me to run upstairs and put on a garter belt? Ah How about my short pink teddy? You're not helping me, Peg.
I need some real incentive.
Okay.
Okay, honey, I got it.
Now, just picture this: you're sitting on the couch in front of a big-screen TV.
Forty-inch? I wish.
What? I mean, yeah.
So there you are, in front of this big-screen TV.
And on top of it is this nice, shiny VHS.
Just look how clear that picture is.
Slow down, baby.
Slow down.
And every machine in this house is wired to one remote control unit.
And that remote control is yours, big boy.
Let's go, Peg.
We got things to do, eyes to blindfold, and babies to make.
You know, it may not work the first time, honey.
I don't care.
If it takes a million tries and a million tears, that young'un shall be yours.
And that money shall be mine.
Come on, babe.
Let's go die a little.
"To test for pregnancy, mix sample A with reagent B.
" What's reagent B? Hi, Daddy.
What you doing? Uh, nothing you need to know about, honey.
Oh, a home pregnancy test.
Let me show you.
Now, you just fill the dropper to the line and then shake the mix with the anti-HCG conjugate.
Put it back into the stand, add the litmus key And if the test area-- not the control area -- turns blue, then you have a positive reading.
I, uh saw the professor do it on Gilligan's Island.
Oh, well, that's okay.
Now, it's clear.
What does that mean? Well, it means that you can still take PE.
Al.
Honey, my temperature's up.
I can't believe it.
Two weeks, and she's not pregnant yet.
It's like having two menial jobs.
Having fun, Dad? Go on with you.
Any Bundys get pregnant yet? Nope.
Good.
I still got a shot.
I just can't believe the babes haven't been calling though.
I mean, I'm offering me and a half million.
I mean, I'll even marry the broad.
What more could a girl want? A spine-crushing accident? A bald spot? A weekend in Des Moines with Orville Redenbacher and his really cool grandson? I know you're just kidding.
Because I'm cool.
I am.
I know I am.
I took the quiz in Boys' Life.
Come on, Peg! Tell me what I wanna hear, baby! Five hundred thousand dollars, baby! Half a mil! What if they do have another baby? It'll be so confusing.
I mean, what would that be to me? A tutor? Well, I hope they don't do it.
I remember before you hatched, I used to get some attention.
I like to think that if you were never born, that I would have been the one who was able to read.
There, that should have done it.
* He works hard For the money * * So hard for it Honey * * He works hard * * For the money * * So you'd better * * Treat him right * * He works hard For the money * * So hard for it Honey * * He works hard For the money * * So you'd better Treat him right * * He works hard * * For the money * * Hard for the money * * So hard for it Honey * * Hard for it Honey * * He works hard For the money * * So you'd better * * Better * * Treat him right * * He works hard, hard * * Hard, hard * * Hard for the money * * Hard, hard * * Hard for it Honey * * Hard for the money * * So you'd better * * Treat him right * * He works hard, hard, hard * * Hard, hard, hard, hard * Hi, Mom.
What are you doing? Uh I'm, uh taking fertility pills.
There.
All fertile.
Where's Daddy? Oh, uh, he's out back getting some exercise.
Hm.
Al.
Honey.
My temperature is higher than it's ever been.
Daddy said he can't do it anymore.
You're killing him.
Oh, come on, Al.
Just one more time.
You'll never have to do it again.
Daddy says that he can "snargly heathe.
" Hardly breathe.
Al It's half a million dollars.
You could get cable with that kind of money.
He says, "Let's boogie.
" Do you want your Gatorade, Daddy? Okay.
Brace me.
God, he's light as a feather.
Hello.
I'm looking for Mr.
Al Bundy.
I was Al Bundy.
I'm personally letting the heirs know that the race is over.
Thank God.
Who won? I did.
You're not a Bundy.
I am now.
Right after the will reading, I married Eugene.
Come, Eugene.
This is the product Stymie, Jr.
I got Eugene a kind of work release program.
And work he did.
Honey, I'll-- I'll be out in six years.
You-- ? You'll hold the money for us, won't you? Of course, darling.
Now, just don't get shot trying to escape or something.
Then what would I do? So long, Uncle Eugene.
Well, there's another fruitcake we won't have to send at Christmas.
Well, at least it's over.
But I don't get it.
A thousand times, and nothing.
I barely touched her, and I had you two.
Well, at least my appetite came back.
Al, it's planting time.
I'd like to plant a shovel right between her barren eyes.
But first, some food.
Then I'll be able to watch TV sitting up again.
Hey, I remember these.
Tasty, crunchy.
Good for snacking right out of the box.
Daddy, don't eat those.
Those are birth control pills.
No, they're not.
They're fertility pills.
Mom's been taking them.
Al, I'm waiting.
Leave me.
Uh, Dad-- Leave me.
Be right there, punny.
I- I just wanna check your last test first.
Gee, I hope it's positive.
Oh, I have a good feeling about this one.
Oh, for joy.
For joy! We are blessed! We're what? We're what? We did it, babe.
Well, that's impossible.
That can't be.
I mean, not that I'm not really happy.
I-- Oh, God.
Ah, there, there, my little baby oven.
Don't you ever touch me again.
Oh.
Diapers and doodie.
Feed me.
Wash me.
Unlock my door.
Oh, my life is truly over.
Well, at least there's the money.
Oh, honey.
I forgot to tell you.
I found out today that someone beat us to it.
But, honey, why should we worry? We have a love child on the way.
Wouldn't it be great if we got twins? I feel fat! Oh, honey, that means just more of you to love.
Like 100 pounds.
Gee, I hope you don't get morning sickness again.
You know.
I-isn't it, like, every day around this time? Gee, I don't feel so good.
Ah, it's gonna be lots of fun.
A- and you'll be beautiful, what with that glow and the varicose veins, and your nose swelling up like a Christmas wino.
But, honey, as I recall, pregnancy was the happiest time of your life.
Well, that and the three years it took you to lose the weight.
Al, you are a pig.
Yeah, but it won't be me squealing those 40 hours during labor.
Wh-- ? What's the matter, honey? You look kind of pale.
H- how about some nice clams and peas? Eh, tomorrow, I'll shrink all her clothes.
Oh, mother of God! Yeah, you can't buy that for half a mil.