Married with Children s05e18 Episode Script

Oh, man.
A fella could get used to this.
Ah, I'll bet the peanut inside is all warm and toasty.
Oh, Lord bless this M&M and the mighty cockroach I slain in battle to get it.
Hi, honey.
You ruined my day, you know.
Well, Peg, it's your own fault.
Stop asking me if you look old in the morning.
Not that.
Thanks to you, I had a humiliating experience at the beauty parlor.
Your paycheck fell out of my purse, and everyone saw it.
I tried to pretend it was Bud's, but no one believed me.
There it was, just as plain as day: Al Bundy, 80 pesos.
So I pretended to laugh like I thought it was funny, but inside, I was dying.
Mmm! The peanut's all warm and toasty.
Whoo! Oh, baby.
What brought that on? Well, I was trying to get my dinner back! Al, you're avoiding the issue.
Now, let's face it.
You're past 40.
It's time you started bringing home more money than Opie.
Peg, Opie came home to Aunt Bea's pies.
Me, I come home to Aunt Bea.
Mom, Dad, I've got some great news.
What, they're starting an all-you-can-eat buffet at the men's shelter? Good talking to you, Dad.
Mom, I've got some great news.
I've been selected one of five Chicago-area students to go to the White House and meet the president.
Peg, did you hear that? My boy's going to meet the president.
Son, do me a favor.
I- if you meet the white-haired old lady-- You know, Mrs.
President She seems nice.
Tell her to go into the kitchen and fix something up, and bring it home to old Dad.
And, uh, while you're at it, uh, bring me back some of that presidential toilet paper.
Man, I'll bet that stuff is smooth.
Yeah, sure, Dad.
Mom, you want me to grab a lamp or anything, if I have a hand free? Well, I wouldn't spit at a painting.
Oh.
Just Dad's laundry, eh, Mom? Anyway, all I need for the trip is 100 bucks.
Hundred bucks?! For 100 bucks, we can get the president to come here.
Ah, what the hell.
Peg, uh, give me my checkbook.
You want the personal or the corporate account? I- I want the joint account.
The one where the checks say, "Mrs.
Peggy Bundy and the nameless shoe salesman.
" Look, that was supposed to be a joke.
I had no idea that they would actually put that on the checks.
But at least they left out the "witless" part.
"Nameless shoe salesman.
" Here you go, son.
Now, this is the Bundys' last $100.
You're proud of me, aren't you, Dad? I'm proud of both my children.
You guys, I have great news! Was this couch always here? Oh.
AnywayI have a chance to be Miss Weenie Tot.
Do you know what that means? It means that if I win, I get to go to supermarkets and hold a tray of Weenie Tots in front of a cold freezer, while a bunch of old men look up my dress.
I have dreamt about this since I was a little girl.
And, if I win, I get a year's supply of Weenie Tots.
Hey.
What's a Weenie Tot? What's a Weenie Tot?! Peg, a Weenie Tot is a delicious, little hot-dog-type meat wrapped in a breaded shell and deep-fried in pure lard.
It's nature's perfect food.
All I need is $100 for a new dress to impress the judges.
Well, can the pathetic dreams, Kel, 'cause I got Dad's last 100 right here to meet the president-- Can it be true? My little girl, the symbol of this country's superiority in chemically-treated food? And bringing home those little weenies to dear old Dad.
And maybe Daddy could share these little weenies with Mommy.
ListenGomez, Morticia.
Surely you can't compare bimboing around with pig parts to my meeting the president of our United States.
Well, we've only got $100 left.
It's a tough call.
Oneis a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
And the other meeting the president.
Gee, Al.
What's a parent to do? I can't believe I'm actually in the place where they make Weenie Tots.
Daddy, did you notice that there are no garbage cans outside? Well, a lot of places now are into recycling, honey.
Attention, everyone.
Mr.
Shnick, president of Weenie Tot Incorporated, will be with you in a moment.
He's just briefing his vice presidents.
Okay.
Okay.
The girls are gonna be in here any minute.
Now, remember, remember.
You're all vice presidents.
Yeah, yeah.
Boobies! Boobies! Johnson! Now, you calm down.
Okay, get them in here, Flopsie.
Oh, there they are.
Aren't they lovely? Come right in.
Come right in.
Come right in.
Make yourselves comfortable.
Thank you, girls.
Thank you-- Thank-- Uh, whoa.
Whoa.
Hey, I told you boys in Janitorial, you wanna look at the girls, you gotta go around and peek in the windows.
Hey, I'm one of the parents.
Uh, I'd just like to say how much I love Weenie Tots.
And, uh What's the secret ingredient? We're not allowed to tell.
Ah, well.
Kelly, good luck, honey.
Mwah.
I'm gonna go outside and play with Flopsie now.
You may be wondering what a 25-year-old millionaire is doing with an 18-year-old daughter.
Not really.
Anywayum both her parents, especially her mother died in a flaming car wreck.
Sir, you're spraying me.
My name is Butter Lefkowitz, and I hope one day to be a doctor.
My name is Rhonda Rose, and I believe we must stop pollution.
I'm Kelly, pronounced "Kel-ee," Bundy, and I think guys with hooks for hands are cool.
And now for the all-important talent competition.
Dance.
Armed with only a long knife I slayed the beast that crushed my wife and left me alone in my mansion with the world's largest diamond.
Does it smell like feet in here? I don't smell anything.
Give me one! Ok, here's the truth: I'm not 25.
I'm not a millionaire.
And, uhthose were my feet.
But, uh here's the real story.
I'm Joe Namath.
'Sixty-nine Superbowl, babe.
That was me.
Nineteen sixty-nine? I wasn't even born yet.
Oh, Lord I know I've come to you a time or two in the past.
Of courseyou've been less than receptive.
Well, you know, the wife thing, the shoe thing, the life thing But, Lord, this time I have a chance at winning a year's supply of Weenie Tots here.
You know how good they are.
They're made up of all your creatures.
So please let Kelly win.
And if you do, I'll-- I'll be nice to everyone I meet forever and ever.
Amen.
Daddy, I won! I won! Oh! Get out of the way, behemoth! And so continues our special half hour on the four plucky, Chicago-area youths who have captured the hearts of the nation.
The meeting with the president today.
The ride inAir Force One.
The gifts showered on them from corporate America.
But you have to wonder about the mysterious fifth youth who didn't make the trip.
WellI guess he had better things to do.
Hi, Bud.
Gee, why so glum? Is it that president thing again? Now, baby, come on.
There will be plenty of other once-in-a-lifetime opportunities.
Now, I know what would make up for this.
Let's go get ice cream.
Ice cream? Do you think some lousy chocolate sprinkles can make up for this? I could've ridden inAir Force One.
Could've had a scholarship to Harvard.
I could've been playing Nintendo with Dan Quayle in the War Room.
This is the worst thing that's ever happened-- Guess what! The Weenie Tots are here! This is the greatest day in the history of the Bundys.
Son, here.
No one can look glum with a Weenie Tot on their tongue.
What's the matter with him? Oh, I don't know.
I know what would cheer him up.
Let's take him out for some ice cream.
Spare me your love.
I'm going out.
Where you going? Just to take a nice nap in traffic.
Well, don't forget your jacket.
PegI gotta get back to work.
But at least I've got something now to put in my lunch box.
Oh, look, Al.
Weenie Tots is running a new scratch-and-sniff sweepstakes.
"If your card smells like a weenie, you win $50,000.
" Hey, let's open them all up and see if we won.
Peg, no.
Read the label.
"No nutritional value.
" No, keep reading.
"This is not a food-- " No, no, no.
The fine print.
"Do not expose Weenie Tots to air.
"Will accelerate disintegration process.
Enjoy.
" I want to know if we won.
Well, I can tell you that.
We're Bundys.
We didn't.
Now, Peg, I've got a year's supply of my favorite mock food.
It, like me, is highly unstable.
Al, if you don't want me to touch them, just say "Don't touch them.
" Don't touch them.
Then I won't.
The place smells like rat droppings.
Oh, no! Woman, what have you done? My tots! My tots! My weenies have been exposed! You've disintegrated my tots! Al, we didn't win.
Look what you've done to my tots! Would you think about me for once? I've ruined my fingernails, and I've had six nosebleeds.
Well, there's one box left.
I may as well open it.
Hm! Peg.
Now, can we cut out the usual charade of "I forbid you, and you totally ignore me"? So how about this? Can I eat the last box in peace? Can you wait one stinking minute while I go to the fridge and get a beer to wash them down? Of course, honey.
Congratulations, Peg.
You just won a trip to Disneyfist.
Oh, my God! What? We won! Fifty-thousand dollars? We won! No! Peg.
Peg.
Where do you wanna go? Hawaii.
Okay.
Then I shall go to Europe.
I love you.
We're wasting time.
Let's pack.
Okay.
What's going on? Nothing.
Don't gimme that.
Ah-ha.
You've won the Weenie Tot Sniffstakes.
We were just coming out to tell you-- Spare me your pork-scented lies.
At this point, I'm practically raising myself anyway.
So I'll tell you what.
Just give me the money you have in your pockets right now we'll call it even.
Okay.
Ingrate.
Goodbye, son.
Goodbye, loving parents.
Oh! By the way.
Here's a little something to chat about on the way back from the airport.
You can't win.
You're ineligible because your microbrained daughter is now a Weenie Tot employee.
We'll be poor for the rest of our lives! Bite on that weenie! Is he right, Al? I'm afraid he is, Peg.
Oh, what to do, what to do.
Well, maybe Kelly can help us out of this.
Boy, am I beat.
All day long, cut the ribbon, wave.
Cut the ribbon, wave.
Heavy is the head of she who wears the crown.
Cut the ribbon, wave Well, this is a fine mess.
She's an idiot, and the smart one's mad at us.
Hm What we need is a dupe.
Someone dishonest enough to cash this ticket for us, yethonest enough not to run off with the money.
In other words someone mighty stupid.
So we're talking a 50-50 split.
What do you say? This is the lowest idea I have ever heard.
If you want someone to cheat an American business, then you have come to the wrong people.
What you need, Al Bundy, is a criminal.
And I'm no criminal.
And I don't know anyone who is.
I'll do it.
What do you mean, "I'll do it"? What part of "I'll do it" didn't you understand? Let's just put aside the dishonesty of this for a minute.
At least remember that you are a white-collar criminal.
This man, at best, is a ring-around-the-collar criminal.
Now, honey, you don't want to be in league with someone whose greatest accomplishment has been putting shoes on his knees and sneaking into the movies as a child.
Besides I don't wanna wind up Bonnie to this man's "Clod.
" Marcie, we're talking about $50,000 here.
That buys a lot of motion lotion.
Deal.
And so, the four Chicago wonder kids arrived in Geneva for their summit with Russian leader-- Come on.
Let's get some real news on here.
And now, the unusual story of the winning of the Weenie Tot Sniffstakes, which occurred a short time ago.
Hey it looks like Jefferson's getting ready to blow town with his wife.
He's supposed to blow town with me.
I mean, us.
As Miss Weenie Tot, I am pleased to present this check for $50,000 to Mr.
Jefferson D'Arcy a man that I have never, ever met before and, I might add, does not live next door to me, and has no prearranged plans to split the money with anyone in my family.
So, what do you plan to do with my daddy's money, Mr.
D'Arcy? What Mr.
D'Arcy intends to do with the money is to make partial reparations to the aged and stupid people he defrauded in the notorious Lake Chicamakomoko land scandal.
Good.
Good.
I'm glad.
Glad, I say.
I knew this would happen the moment I heard Al Bundy was involved.
That's B-U-N-D-- Hey, hey.
That's my mother's bracelet! I'm not the criminal.
Al Bundy is the criminal.
Hi, Daddy.
Leave town-ay.
The jig is up-say.
Gee, Al, uh, maybe I made a mistake in letting Kelly in on the plans.
Well, honey, at least it's over.
Uh, no, Peg.
It's not over.
Now it's over.
What's for dinner tonight in the slammer, guys? Same thing every night.
Weenie Tots.
Book me.