Married with Children s06e01 Episode Script
She's Having My Baby (1)
And today, on And Yet It Lived, meet Simeon Pathetica an ape that even ev olution passed by.
Note the stooped shoulders and the dull, blank look.
- Can I have your autograph? - Not today, Peg, I got some big news.
You know how I'm always digging in my ear with the point of a pencil? - Oh, my, this is good news.
- You betcha.
Well, today, purely by accident I found out that I was using the wrong end of the pencil.
I discovered that if you turn it around and take off the eraser you can get a real kind of suction action going.
Get a load of this, honey.
But, honey, it still has an eraser on it.
That's not an eraser.
Oh, my God.
- What's for supper? - What would you like? I'd like a nice, juicy steak.
Why, that's just waiting for you on the table.
Made you look, made you look.
Al, you'll never learn.
So, honey, I was thinking.
Don't you think we need a little savings account? You know, like any moderately successful 13-year-old? Hey, don't kid yourself.
I got plenty of money saved up.
Well, it doesn't matter, you're not getting any.
I'm gonna get me a Big Boy socket-wrench set.
Man, it's gonna be great.
I can go around this house and tighten more nuts than you did in high school.
Yes, and I have the trophies to prove it.
Anyway, Al, I've got some news and I've been waiting for the right - Wait, hold it.
I'll bet that's some of the guys wanting to see my eraser.
Al, Peggy, we have a little announcement.
Jefferson and I are pregnant.
Oh, Marcie, that's great.
You're kidding? Yep, yep, yep.
I knew it right away too.
You know how when Michael Jordan's in the air he just knows he'll do something special? Well, I had the same feeling when I approached the hoop.
There was no blocking that shot, eh, baby? - Oh, isn't this wonderful, Al? - Yeah, Al, I'm gonna be a father.
- Don't you have anything to say to me? - Oh, sure.
You're a dead man.
It's all over.
Today is the first day of the end of your life.
Hey, I'm looking forward to being a father.
To hear my child say its first words, take its first steps.
Yeah, keep that in mind when you're at the newsstand at 3 a.
M praying they'll be asleep before you get home with your copy of Heinie.
What a grand jest.
Yeah, soon my hellhounds will be out of the house and I'll be free, free, free.
Except for her.
God, I feel great.
I'm almost happy.
Let me revel in it.
- I think this is a good time to tell you - No, not now, babe.
Once my kids leave the house I'll finally be able to do what every man is supposed to do.
I can watch TV.
I can Well, I don't know, but it doesn't matter.
It's still better than having a screaming, crapping money-sucking little vampire bobsledding me to the cemetery.
God, I feel good.
- Honey? - Yes.
- Guess what.
- What? I'm pregnant too.
Oh, Al, hold me.
- How far along are you? - Five months.
Well, Al, I mean, didn't you notice I was getting fat? Well, yeah.
- Oh, hold me.
- Well, no, wait a second, stop.
That can't be right.
When? Why? How? Wait a second.
Let me check my journal.
- Five months ago, you say? - Oh, Al, isn't it a dream? It better be.
Let's see, now.
April, April Here we go, April.
Week one: "Sold shoes, watched TV.
" Week two, "Sold shoes, watched TV, wept.
" Week three, "Sold shoes, had a few beers, passed out.
" "I dreamt I fell in the washing machine, woke up feeling cheap.
" Peg, what in God's green earth did you do to me? Well, I couldn't help myself.
You looked so cute trying to pull your underwear up over your head.
- Well, I'm not made of stone, you know.
- Peggy, this is so exciting.
- We can be pregnant together.
- Yeah, Al, congratulations.
This is great.
Gee, our kids'll grow up together and they'll be old enough to leave the nest together.
Gee, I'll be in my 50s when that happens, and you'll be, what, 102? Oh, Marcie, this is so wonderful.
The pitter-patter of little feet after 18 years.
This is truly a joyous day for us all.
What did you do? Can't you control your animal urges? Of all the bonehead blunders a middle-aged man with no income can make.
God, you leave him alone for one second Did you not know the evil implications of your deed? Bad Daddy.
Bad, bad.
Bad.
So, Mr.
Sow-My-Wild-Oats-At-50 what are we gonna do now? I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
We'll be living off the scraps of scraps.
Slipping in puddles of baby juice.
Our home and our clothes smelling of the befouled buttocks of a child born out of middle-aged lust.
Oh, shame.
As if what you did wasn't bad enough, but with our mother, for God's sake.
Well, this is one fine " How you doing? Fine, thank you.
" - Hi, kids.
Did Daddy tell you the news? - Mommy, Mommy, we're so happy.
Happy, happy.
Now, kids, I don't want you to be jealous of the baby because I'll always have time for you.
After all, you were my first.
I was your first.
Really? Oh, well.
What's important now is the baby.
- Did you congratulate your father? - Oh, sure.
- Way to go, Dad.
You sure know.
- Yeah.
Oh, you - You old dog.
You old - That's great.
It's just fabulous.
Well, I don't know about anybody else, but I've got a hankering for a nice cream-cheese- and-coffee-grind sandwich.
- We love you, Mommy.
- We love you, Mommy.
- You stink.
- You stink.
Do you think it's safe for Mom to have a baby at her age? I mean, what is she, a million? All right.
Now, listen up, everyone.
Just because I'm pregnant I don't want you to think I'm gonna be demanding or anything.
Your lives won't change a bit.
"And here's a picture of Mr.
Rooster.
'Cock-a-doodle-doo.
"' Honey, not to me, to the baby.
"And the duck went 'quack, quack.
' And the dog went 'bow-wow.
' - And the family went to" - Excuse me, honey.
What, are you guys on vacation? Rub, rub.
Thanks for everything, Johnny Appleseed.
Bundy, Bundy.
Bundy, you're gonna be a superstar! Just don't blow it, kid.
Come on, coach.
What could possibly stop me? Hi, honey.
- Oh, Al, are you as happy as I am? - Well, how could I be? Well, you should be happy.
It's your baby too.
Oh, happy, I thought you said am I as heavy as you are.
Now, stop teasing me.
You can barely tell that I'm pregnant.
Get over there.
Bologna and Miracle Whip.
Want some? Gee, Al, I don't know about you, but I'm horny as hell.
Well, so am I, but you don't see me bothering you with it, do you? Oh, come on, Al.
If you don't, the baby won't see you fail till you take it to work.
That was a good one, wasn't it? Yes.
We got Daddy good, huh? So, what do you say, Al? Are you ready? Oh, sure, I'm all afire.
I don't know what turns me on more that sexy failure talk or the bologna shrapnel hitting me in the eye at 90 miles an hour.
Oh, all right, you big sissy.
We don't have to do it.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Jeez.
- AI? - What? Let's talk about the baby.
Why, did he do something cute? You have a terrible attitude.
I am not talking to you anymore.
You stink.
Good night.
Al? What should we name the baby? The Reaper? Well, what if it's a boy? Well, we could name it after my father.
I don't wanna name it Town Drunk.
Well, then don't ask me.
- AI, can we afford this baby? - No.
I didn't think so.
Gee, I'm glad I'm not in your shoes.
Good night.
- AI, Al, Al.
- AI? - AI.
- AI? - AI.
Al.
- AI? Al? What? Honey, you know, I was just thinking.
If you wanted to get an extra job, you know, after the baby was born maybe you could get one delivering newspapers.
You know how they throw them on the porch? You'd be really good at that because you used to play football.
You remember? Oh, hi, honey.
You wanna come and join us? We were talking about breast swell.
Well, congratulations, Marcie, you finally get to go bra shopping.
Oh, Al, I don't have to tell you how much easier it is to lug around small things.
Now, Al, if you have nothing to add to the conversation just please go sit down.
Not here.
Can't you see we're pregnant? Now, go sit over on the stairs in case I need something.
This is my home and I will not be relegated to sitting on stairs.
I go anywhere I want! Anybody got a problem with that? You two are on thin ice! Who are you gonna tell the baby he is? Well, for the first 10 years Bud and Kelly thought he was the dim-witted handyman.
So why change what works? Well, at least I have no complaints.
My Jefferson can't do enough for me.
Would you believe, right now, he is out getting me a pie.
Sometimes he is so good to me it just brings tears to my eyes.
Well, here it is.
I drove 50 miles holding it up so the cherries didn't settle on the bottom.
This is not a large.
Is this all you think of me? Is this all you think of your child? Well, you just march yourself right back to Wisconsin and get me a real pie, mister, or you don't love our baby! Okay, honey, I'll be right back with another pie, you stinking, slimy He spoils me so.
Well, my Al spoils me too.
Al, get me some water.
Look, it's Harry Hormone.
Use a condom, go to jail, eh, Dad? - Hey, Mom, we made the list.
- Oh, good idea.
I'll have Jefferson make one for me.
What kind of list is it? Well, see, I'm gonna be the best mother in the world to my new baby so I asked the kids to make a list of everything they never had so I'll know everything to do for my little "precious-wecious.
" Although, I can't imagine what they'd put on this list.
I mean, they had everything they could possibly want as babies.
But let's just see what they thought they didn't have.
"Milk.
Immunity vaccinations.
Love.
" Oh, you scamps.
- "Rednig blicks"? - That's "reading blocks.
" I wrote that.
Well, I think that's a good idea.
Bud, why don't you be in charge of helping the baby with those.
Thanks, kids.
Mom, you You're just kidding that this kid's gonna get the stuff we didn't.
I mean, you're gonna love us all the same, right? Oh, well, of course I will.
We were a family before the baby, and we'll be a family after the baby.
Now, you're sucking up all the baby's air.
Go sit with your father.
I was just born to be a mother.
Look how far down the chain of love we are.
She's got us sitting with him.
Oh, what an odious mess we weave when first we practice to conceive.
Now, kids, I know you think this is bad for you.
But in a little while, you'll be up and out of the house and on your own in just two, three 30 years.
So as you can see, the only one whose life has truly ended is Daddy.
That's true, yeah.
Oh, my God, what have I done? You still don't know, do you? Kids, no matter what the future might bring it's nice to know that we're a family.
We'll go through things together.
Who'll give me a "Whoa, Bundy"? What do you want from me? I wasn't even awake.
Note the stooped shoulders and the dull, blank look.
- Can I have your autograph? - Not today, Peg, I got some big news.
You know how I'm always digging in my ear with the point of a pencil? - Oh, my, this is good news.
- You betcha.
Well, today, purely by accident I found out that I was using the wrong end of the pencil.
I discovered that if you turn it around and take off the eraser you can get a real kind of suction action going.
Get a load of this, honey.
But, honey, it still has an eraser on it.
That's not an eraser.
Oh, my God.
- What's for supper? - What would you like? I'd like a nice, juicy steak.
Why, that's just waiting for you on the table.
Made you look, made you look.
Al, you'll never learn.
So, honey, I was thinking.
Don't you think we need a little savings account? You know, like any moderately successful 13-year-old? Hey, don't kid yourself.
I got plenty of money saved up.
Well, it doesn't matter, you're not getting any.
I'm gonna get me a Big Boy socket-wrench set.
Man, it's gonna be great.
I can go around this house and tighten more nuts than you did in high school.
Yes, and I have the trophies to prove it.
Anyway, Al, I've got some news and I've been waiting for the right - Wait, hold it.
I'll bet that's some of the guys wanting to see my eraser.
Al, Peggy, we have a little announcement.
Jefferson and I are pregnant.
Oh, Marcie, that's great.
You're kidding? Yep, yep, yep.
I knew it right away too.
You know how when Michael Jordan's in the air he just knows he'll do something special? Well, I had the same feeling when I approached the hoop.
There was no blocking that shot, eh, baby? - Oh, isn't this wonderful, Al? - Yeah, Al, I'm gonna be a father.
- Don't you have anything to say to me? - Oh, sure.
You're a dead man.
It's all over.
Today is the first day of the end of your life.
Hey, I'm looking forward to being a father.
To hear my child say its first words, take its first steps.
Yeah, keep that in mind when you're at the newsstand at 3 a.
M praying they'll be asleep before you get home with your copy of Heinie.
What a grand jest.
Yeah, soon my hellhounds will be out of the house and I'll be free, free, free.
Except for her.
God, I feel great.
I'm almost happy.
Let me revel in it.
- I think this is a good time to tell you - No, not now, babe.
Once my kids leave the house I'll finally be able to do what every man is supposed to do.
I can watch TV.
I can Well, I don't know, but it doesn't matter.
It's still better than having a screaming, crapping money-sucking little vampire bobsledding me to the cemetery.
God, I feel good.
- Honey? - Yes.
- Guess what.
- What? I'm pregnant too.
Oh, Al, hold me.
- How far along are you? - Five months.
Well, Al, I mean, didn't you notice I was getting fat? Well, yeah.
- Oh, hold me.
- Well, no, wait a second, stop.
That can't be right.
When? Why? How? Wait a second.
Let me check my journal.
- Five months ago, you say? - Oh, Al, isn't it a dream? It better be.
Let's see, now.
April, April Here we go, April.
Week one: "Sold shoes, watched TV.
" Week two, "Sold shoes, watched TV, wept.
" Week three, "Sold shoes, had a few beers, passed out.
" "I dreamt I fell in the washing machine, woke up feeling cheap.
" Peg, what in God's green earth did you do to me? Well, I couldn't help myself.
You looked so cute trying to pull your underwear up over your head.
- Well, I'm not made of stone, you know.
- Peggy, this is so exciting.
- We can be pregnant together.
- Yeah, Al, congratulations.
This is great.
Gee, our kids'll grow up together and they'll be old enough to leave the nest together.
Gee, I'll be in my 50s when that happens, and you'll be, what, 102? Oh, Marcie, this is so wonderful.
The pitter-patter of little feet after 18 years.
This is truly a joyous day for us all.
What did you do? Can't you control your animal urges? Of all the bonehead blunders a middle-aged man with no income can make.
God, you leave him alone for one second Did you not know the evil implications of your deed? Bad Daddy.
Bad, bad.
Bad.
So, Mr.
Sow-My-Wild-Oats-At-50 what are we gonna do now? I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
We'll be living off the scraps of scraps.
Slipping in puddles of baby juice.
Our home and our clothes smelling of the befouled buttocks of a child born out of middle-aged lust.
Oh, shame.
As if what you did wasn't bad enough, but with our mother, for God's sake.
Well, this is one fine " How you doing? Fine, thank you.
" - Hi, kids.
Did Daddy tell you the news? - Mommy, Mommy, we're so happy.
Happy, happy.
Now, kids, I don't want you to be jealous of the baby because I'll always have time for you.
After all, you were my first.
I was your first.
Really? Oh, well.
What's important now is the baby.
- Did you congratulate your father? - Oh, sure.
- Way to go, Dad.
You sure know.
- Yeah.
Oh, you - You old dog.
You old - That's great.
It's just fabulous.
Well, I don't know about anybody else, but I've got a hankering for a nice cream-cheese- and-coffee-grind sandwich.
- We love you, Mommy.
- We love you, Mommy.
- You stink.
- You stink.
Do you think it's safe for Mom to have a baby at her age? I mean, what is she, a million? All right.
Now, listen up, everyone.
Just because I'm pregnant I don't want you to think I'm gonna be demanding or anything.
Your lives won't change a bit.
"And here's a picture of Mr.
Rooster.
'Cock-a-doodle-doo.
"' Honey, not to me, to the baby.
"And the duck went 'quack, quack.
' And the dog went 'bow-wow.
' - And the family went to" - Excuse me, honey.
What, are you guys on vacation? Rub, rub.
Thanks for everything, Johnny Appleseed.
Bundy, Bundy.
Bundy, you're gonna be a superstar! Just don't blow it, kid.
Come on, coach.
What could possibly stop me? Hi, honey.
- Oh, Al, are you as happy as I am? - Well, how could I be? Well, you should be happy.
It's your baby too.
Oh, happy, I thought you said am I as heavy as you are.
Now, stop teasing me.
You can barely tell that I'm pregnant.
Get over there.
Bologna and Miracle Whip.
Want some? Gee, Al, I don't know about you, but I'm horny as hell.
Well, so am I, but you don't see me bothering you with it, do you? Oh, come on, Al.
If you don't, the baby won't see you fail till you take it to work.
That was a good one, wasn't it? Yes.
We got Daddy good, huh? So, what do you say, Al? Are you ready? Oh, sure, I'm all afire.
I don't know what turns me on more that sexy failure talk or the bologna shrapnel hitting me in the eye at 90 miles an hour.
Oh, all right, you big sissy.
We don't have to do it.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Jeez.
- AI? - What? Let's talk about the baby.
Why, did he do something cute? You have a terrible attitude.
I am not talking to you anymore.
You stink.
Good night.
Al? What should we name the baby? The Reaper? Well, what if it's a boy? Well, we could name it after my father.
I don't wanna name it Town Drunk.
Well, then don't ask me.
- AI, can we afford this baby? - No.
I didn't think so.
Gee, I'm glad I'm not in your shoes.
Good night.
- AI, Al, Al.
- AI? - AI.
- AI? - AI.
Al.
- AI? Al? What? Honey, you know, I was just thinking.
If you wanted to get an extra job, you know, after the baby was born maybe you could get one delivering newspapers.
You know how they throw them on the porch? You'd be really good at that because you used to play football.
You remember? Oh, hi, honey.
You wanna come and join us? We were talking about breast swell.
Well, congratulations, Marcie, you finally get to go bra shopping.
Oh, Al, I don't have to tell you how much easier it is to lug around small things.
Now, Al, if you have nothing to add to the conversation just please go sit down.
Not here.
Can't you see we're pregnant? Now, go sit over on the stairs in case I need something.
This is my home and I will not be relegated to sitting on stairs.
I go anywhere I want! Anybody got a problem with that? You two are on thin ice! Who are you gonna tell the baby he is? Well, for the first 10 years Bud and Kelly thought he was the dim-witted handyman.
So why change what works? Well, at least I have no complaints.
My Jefferson can't do enough for me.
Would you believe, right now, he is out getting me a pie.
Sometimes he is so good to me it just brings tears to my eyes.
Well, here it is.
I drove 50 miles holding it up so the cherries didn't settle on the bottom.
This is not a large.
Is this all you think of me? Is this all you think of your child? Well, you just march yourself right back to Wisconsin and get me a real pie, mister, or you don't love our baby! Okay, honey, I'll be right back with another pie, you stinking, slimy He spoils me so.
Well, my Al spoils me too.
Al, get me some water.
Look, it's Harry Hormone.
Use a condom, go to jail, eh, Dad? - Hey, Mom, we made the list.
- Oh, good idea.
I'll have Jefferson make one for me.
What kind of list is it? Well, see, I'm gonna be the best mother in the world to my new baby so I asked the kids to make a list of everything they never had so I'll know everything to do for my little "precious-wecious.
" Although, I can't imagine what they'd put on this list.
I mean, they had everything they could possibly want as babies.
But let's just see what they thought they didn't have.
"Milk.
Immunity vaccinations.
Love.
" Oh, you scamps.
- "Rednig blicks"? - That's "reading blocks.
" I wrote that.
Well, I think that's a good idea.
Bud, why don't you be in charge of helping the baby with those.
Thanks, kids.
Mom, you You're just kidding that this kid's gonna get the stuff we didn't.
I mean, you're gonna love us all the same, right? Oh, well, of course I will.
We were a family before the baby, and we'll be a family after the baby.
Now, you're sucking up all the baby's air.
Go sit with your father.
I was just born to be a mother.
Look how far down the chain of love we are.
She's got us sitting with him.
Oh, what an odious mess we weave when first we practice to conceive.
Now, kids, I know you think this is bad for you.
But in a little while, you'll be up and out of the house and on your own in just two, three 30 years.
So as you can see, the only one whose life has truly ended is Daddy.
That's true, yeah.
Oh, my God, what have I done? You still don't know, do you? Kids, no matter what the future might bring it's nice to know that we're a family.
We'll go through things together.
Who'll give me a "Whoa, Bundy"? What do you want from me? I wasn't even awake.