Married with Children s06e03 Episode Script

If Al Had a Hammer

Okay, everybody.
It's time for the weekly Bundy baby progress report.
Well, I can sense your excitement.
So even though one of us is missing, I think we should still begin.
Let's start with the reading of the minutes from our last meeting.
Kelly? "At the beginning of the last meeting I suggested we have no more meetings.
It was seconded by Bud, my brother and Dad, my daddy.
We stared dully at Mom and then were forced into a chorus of 'We Love the Baby.
' Then Mom left to pee and Dad suggested that we play a gleeful round of 'How Fat is She? ' Dad guessed 415 pounds.
We all laughed, and Dad said: 'Don't write this down, Pumpkin.
"' That concludes my report.
Let the record show your father is a weenie.
And now, can we have a report from the treasury? Let the record show your father has nothing in his pants.
Oh, my God.
Baby meeting! Get back here, young man! Yeah, pay your respect to the fetus just like the rest of us.
Most glorious inhabitant of the womb please accept the blessing of this unworthy one.
I love you more than I love myself.
Hail baby.
The baby is pleased.
You may sit.
Listen, I have great news.
As the only intelligent living male Bundy l'm proud to announce I've gotten a scholarship and I'm going to junior college.
And just how does that pertain to the baby? Thank you.
So I decided to start college across town instead of this neighbourhood, where I'm accused of being a total social failure.
Don't be so hard on yourself, Bud.
I'm sure lots of cool guys spend their Friday nights watching Star Trek reruns hoping to catch a glimpse of Klingon cleavage.
Let the record show that I was wetting the screen with my tongue to clean it.
To continue Chicks love new blood.
So I'm assuming a whole new identity.
As of now, my story is I'm a bad-boy rapper from the streets of New York.
Goodbye, Bud Bundy.
Hello, Grandmaster B.
What does the B stand for? "Brother of an idiot.
" Anyhow, if anyone asks my parents sent me here to clean up my act because I either killed a guy or spray-painted a tree or something.
Excuse me, but isn't that the plot for The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? Well, that's an NBC show, so who would know that? So if anyone asks, I'm not related to any of you.
And I'm coolly dangerous.
I am not going to be dateless this year.
- Now, if you've finished, Bud - B.
And just yesterday he was in diapers.
I killed a man in New York, you know.
Forgive me, Ghostbuster B.
It's Grandmaster B.
Of course, honey.
Now, let's get back to the baby meeting.
Given the fact, and I would like this to go on record that your father earns nothing it seems that we'll be a little pressed for room when the blessed event comes.
- Hail baby.
- Hail baby.
Who is loved more than all babies that came before him.
Now, since we have limited space I would like to move that the baby share a room with Daddy and me.
We'll just put a crib at the foot of the bed.
I would like the record to show that I would rather sleep in a bunk bed under Oprah.
I would rather engage in a frolicking threesome with Roseanne and her cool husband.
I would rather play naked Twister with every one of the Golden Girls than have that little screaming doodie geyser at the foot of my bed.
I've said my piece.
Thank you.
Hail baby.
All right then, let's have a vote.
All those in favour of the baby sharing a room with Mommy and Daddy? - Opposed? - I must use my veto power.
- Motion is carried.
- Veto! Veto, I say! All right, everybody, I'll see you at the next baby meeting.
But for now, Mommy must use the bathroom.
Al, if you would be so kind I'm warning you, Peg.
You will not make a mockery of my veto power.
I am the man of the house, and my will is law! For the record, she's now up to 500 pounds.
This is my temporary crib, babe.
Thanks for carrying my books.
Anything to help keep your gun hand free Mixmaster B.
That's Grandmaster B.
And I don't carry a gun anymore.
Because I have a new life here in Bel-Air I mean, Chicago.
Have I shown you my scar? You scare and excite me when you talk like that.
Take me.
First, do it for me, B.
Give me your rap.
All right.
And now You may take me.
Thank you.
No problem.
Well, look.
My little man is getting his first kiss.
You're the coolest, Grandma B.
That's Grandmaster B.
Look, babe I think I'm going to have to rap my way out of the rent now.
You go on home and wait by the phone.
If I call and you're not there, you go to the bottom of the list.
What did I tell you two?! I am Grandmaster B.
Mom, I'm cool.
You're ruining it for me! I'm cool.
Gee, I'm really sorry, Grand Marshal B.
No, Mom, I think it's Bed-Wetter B.
Are you sure? I thought it was Court Jester B.
Peg! Peg! Guess what I found in the attic? It's something of my father's that served him well for 20 years.
And now, will serve me for the rest of my life.
A pair of socks? Bud, what do you think I found? If it's a rubber woman, Dad, I can explain.
You send away for one Archie comic the next thing you know, they put you on a list Pumpkin? You found a pumpkin, Daddy? Well, I guess I'll tell you all since none of you singly deserve to know.
I found my father's hammer.
This hammer has been in my family for generations.
With this, my father hit the now-famous Bundy nail.
And upon that nail, he did hang his hat.
My dad had one great dream and that dream was handed down from generation to generation of male Bundys: To build their own room and live separately from their wives.
Sadly, they all failed.
No, genetically they all failed.
Well, not me! I'm going to do it! Look, Dad.
I've got your hammer.
Your little boy's gonna build his own room.
Mom, who is he talking to? Grandpa.
Hi, Grandpa.
Look, Dad, I'm building my own room.
I'll dedicate the first nail to you.
Damn cheap Sheetrock! I can't believe you're gonna let that moron move out of your room.
Marcie, you're assuming he can actually do this.
You know the Bundy legacy: What they don't finish in 30 seconds, they never finish.
Besides, you know, it's important to let your man fail in front of your eyes.
It's a great thing to see.
You know the fun we have watching them fail at sex.
Do I ever.
Like when you say: "It's okay, honey.
I'm sure it happens to all men.
It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, does it?" Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Or when you say: "It's okay, honey.
You're probably just tired and unsure of your manhood.
" Or, " It's okay.
We can just lay here and hold each other.
That's just as good.
" Then when they lay their head on you like a child, trembling it is just as good.
God, you just want to laugh.
Well, believe me when I tell you, it is just as much fun to watch them fail with their clothes on.
I can't get the nails to go in straight.
Gee, honey, it's probably just because you're tired and unsure of your manhood.
I did not fail.
I'll build that room! I will, it's just I've got a lot on my mind right now.
Mom, do you think he's actually doing something in there? Honey, must I remind you of his family tree? Do we not remember Amadeus Bundy? Who, when Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone tried to patent shouting as a cheaper alternative? Or how about Wrong-Way Bundy the original inventor of the shotgun.
Only he never quite perfected which way to point it.
We later called him Headless Bundy.
But, Mom, Dad's not like the others.
He sells shoes.
It's done! Now, come in and take your first and last look.
All right now, kids.
Daddy has worked very, very hard at this.
And it means a lot to him.
So nobody laugh until I do.
Wow, Al.
You did all this with just a hammer? Not just a hammer, Peg.
Dad's hammer.
Al, you're not really thinking about moving away from me and the baby.
Thinking of it? I've done it! Be gone, jackals! But, Al At last I can do what every male Bundy wants to do.
Well, they're out of sight.
I wonder how long it'll take till they're out of mind.
Well, that must be that life I ordered.
Hi, Al.
Please, Al, let me stay with you.
I'm afraid of Marcie.
She wants sex all the time.
I mean, having sex with your pregnant wife it's like putting gas in the tank of a car you've already wrecked.
Thank God mine pulls into self-service.
Al? Al, I'm begging you.
I mean, you remember what it was like when you first got married? Sex wasn't enough.
They also want, God help me foreplay.
There, now, now, now.
Al's here.
Take it easy, now, big fella.
Save me.
All right, but just one night.
And on one condition: - What? - It's just you and me and you don't tell one single guy about this place.
I swear.
Hey, Bobby, throw me that.
Tater storm.
Maybe I wasn't being clear when I said tell no one.
Come on, Al.
It's okay.
We're just having some good, clean normal, guy fun.
Come on, pull my finger.
Hey, Al, it's my arm.
And I thought I ran with a cool pack in high school.
Do you mind if we turn out the lights and tell some scary stories? Gee, I thought we'd strip down to our underwear and sing "Puff the Magic Dragon.
" My underwear's got a hole in it.
Well, then maybe you can play the guitar.
What's wrong with you idiots? Any second, the women are going to come pouring through that door.
Don't you know they can sense a man smiling a mile away? Al, don't worry about it.
I had all the guys promise that they wouldn't tell anyone.
Right? - We swear! - We swear! And so I move that this room shall be our clubhouse for our newly formed ladies group W.
B which stands for "Women Owe Men Bubkes.
" - All in favour? - Aye! - Opposed? - Veto.
Motion carried.
Now, ladies, are there any complaints that we'd like to share? I got hemorrhoids.
I've got varicose veins.
Well, I've got an itch my husband refuses to scratch.
Excuse me where do we go when we're feeling emotional? We can use Al's bathroom.
Thou shalt not insult my bowl with pregnant heinies.
Where are you going, Al? Ladies, and by that I mean you guys l'm going to tear this room asunder.
It is evil.
It has been tainted, woman-ed! It must be destroyed.
Keep the gates open, Dad! I got a busload coming for you! Go for it, son.
Well, for this special baby meeting we'd like to welcome Daddy back.
A man who kept his garage up for five hours.
Just four hours longer than he could keep his zipper up.
Let the record show that the chairperson shares not only the wit but also the body of Buddy Hackett.
Duly noted.
Let it further show that Daddy also discovered an important thing today.
The true legacy of Dad's hammer is failure.
Dad failed with it, I failed with it and every male Bundy who comes after me will fail with it.
And speaking of failure, where's the other male Bundy? You mean the Bushwhacker? No, it's the Burgermeister.
No, it's the Buckminster.
What is the difference? Where is the little boil? Where'd you get this scar? Was it in Desert Storm? Well, I had my own little Desert Storm, baby in the streets of New York.
We're the warriors that don't get the ticker-tape parades.
Oh, Grandflasher.
That's Grandmaster.
Now, kiss me before I do.
Dustbuster? Dustbuster, are you okay? Shut up.
I'm dying, you buffoon! Mommy! Mommy!