Married with Children s06e08 Episode Script

God's Shoes

Dad's coming.
Dad's coming.
Don't giggle.
You'll give it away.
He's not to know Mom commissioned a painting of herself for $2500.
Really.
Don't.
Okay, okay.
Did you leave the price tag on? No, really, really, don't.
This could kill him, you know.
Wait.
Bud, don't we have a loyalty to the man? That's a good one.
I think he's coming.
Okay.
- Keep a straight face.
- Okay.
Hi, kids.
What? What? Nothing.
I guess we just love you so much.
I've had a rotten day and I'm in a foul mood.
A fat woman came in and said she was a size five.
I shoved her hoof into a shoe my thumb got stuck in the back of the shoe.
She panicked, reared up, and galloped around the store dragging me on the floor behind her.
Thank God a stick of butter popped out her purse and I greased my way out of there.
You know, we can't do this to the man.
We have to warn him.
- Daddy? - What? Nothing.
Oh, by the way, is your mom upstairs? - No, Dad.
- Good.
Thank goodness I don't have to look at her tonight.
Feet.
Women.
Women's feet.
Women.
Painting? I don't understand.
Now, surely you'd think he'd be screaming by now.
Well, maybe we don't give Dad enough credit.
I mean, maybe he realizes that he's been neglecting Mom lately and he's probably pondering that now as he gazes fondly upon the face of his one true love.
Oh, no! Or maybe not.
How do you feel, Daddy? Like any man who just fell two stories and landed on his head.
Grateful not to be with your mother.
- How long was I out? - Two hours.
Well, why didn't you call 911? I couldn't remember the number.
Well, it doesn't matter.
Do you know what happened when I was unconscious? Oh, yeah.
Kelly opened a Coors bottle with your teeth.
Don't listen to him, Dad.
It was only a soda.
You had some too.
- Shut up.
Right in front of Dad.
- You started it.
Oh, please.
It doesn't matter what you did.
It only matters that I actually saw God.
Okay.
Kel, he may not be able to sell shoes anymore but we can get him a gig going cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
But I really did see him.
Dad, please don't tell anybody else about this because nobody is dumb enough to believe What did God look like, Dad? I don't know.
I couldn't take my eyes off his shoes.
- You saw God's shoes? - They were perfect, kids.
Close-fitting, surrounding each toe individually.
- Probably a soft-worked kid leather.
- Well, what did you say to God? I said, "Where'd you get those shoes?" You had one chance to talk to the eternal creator of time, space and the infinite universe and all you asked is where he got his shoes? Did you tell him your football stories? It was God, you idiot.
He knows my football stories.
Actually, I asked him something very important.
I said, what socks did he wear? And you know what he said? "Don't need them.
They're sewed in.
" Must I be the meat in an imbecile sandwich? Bud, this is important.
Now, Daddy, the next time that you talk to God ask him who's really buying Dockers.
Come on.
God can't be concerned with these trivialities.
We're talking shoes here.
Now, kids, I now know what my mission in life is.
God chose me to make the perfect shoes.
God's shoes.
Kids, bring me pen and paper at once.
Thank you.
Take this down quickly.
Thou shalt have shoes with toes stitched in.
Thou shalt have socks attacheth to yon shoes.
And thou shalt have a lot of other stuff that will come forthwith.
It is I, I, Al Bundy who shall shod the unwashed masses.
I shalt not rest until every foot sings the praises of thine shoes.
Hallelujah, I say.
Hallelujah! I don't think I've ever been prouder of him.
Well, God created both of you.
Think of the pride he's feeling.
So let us understand.
Your father has locked himself in his room to build God's shoes.
And Peggy? Sensing Dad's delicate condition, she took back the painting kept the money and went to the Mardi Gras.
He's really been up there 40 days and 40 nights? Well, actually, 40 days and 39 nights.
He took a break to watch Planet of the D Cups.
He said God told him to.
- Think he'll be all right, Mrs.
D'Arcy? - How much worse can he be? Behold, I hold God's shoes.
But who holds Dad's brain? Yea, so it cameth to be that I laboured 40 days and 40 nights.
Let the rains come.
Thou shalt have shoe.
This should do wonders for my property value.
Are thine worthy to gaze upon yon shoe? Brush your teeth.
Nobody cares about your stupid shoes and nobody believes Let me gaze upon the shoes, Al.
Surely you cannot be serious! Marcie, don't you understand? Don't you see the glory and the majesty of what I just saw? The perfect marketing hook.
And I'm in on the ground floor.
I can see the billboards now.
"Al knows God, and God knows shoes.
" It's a sales bonanza, Marcie.
How much money do we have? Well, I have several thousand dollars.
You have change for coffee.
I shall go forth unto the people to reveal God's shoes and multiply upon them.
Let me come with you, Al, and learn.
- How much we gonna charge per pair? - I will hear nothing of price.
That's your job.
You're the marketing guy.
Hey, babe, this is Grand Master B.
I was wondering if you'd join me in the back seat of a moving vehicle for a ride so wild you gots to be 21.
Yes, that was my father walking the freeway in his robe.
Goodbye.
Boy, you know, they talk about an illiterate society.
Well, it seems to me that everyone reads the newspaper.
Well, I don't and I still believe in Dad.
Well, not quite as much as I did with his failure to walk across Lake Michigan to spread the shoe to Canada but he is going into production on these shoes.
Five thousand pairs.
Wonder where he got the money.
Did I leave my new Rolex over here? God, I am just so scatterbrained lately.
I mean, first I misplace my watch.
And then I can't seem to remember this $25,000 check made out to cash that I seemed to have written in someone else's handwriting.
By the way, has anyone seen my soon-to-be-late husband? Well, who wants to touch the prototypes? We got thousands of these babies rolling off the assembly line now.
Jefferson before I tell the baby why its father is buried in four or five separate graves can you tell me where every cent I have is? Advertising, baby.
We contacted all the big talk shows about having Al on.
He should be on any minute.
Just what big-time talk show did you book him onto? Welcome back to Scary Mary's Real Scary Mummy Movie Matinee.
Now, before we get back to our feature called What's That in the Bathroom? we have a special treat for you kids.
Our special guest is Al Bundy, shoe salesman.
I've seen this show.
It's excellent.
This is what you booked him on? Well, every time I called Oprah it seemed to be lunchtime.
We're on our way, baby.
We're on our way.
Kids, Al here says that he was scared out of his bedroom window by a picture of his wife.
Al says he saw God after he hit the pavement.
Then what happened, Al? Well, Scary Mary I saw God's shoes.
Tell us all about it, Al.
Well, Mary, believe it or not people mock me for me having seen God's shoes.
They throw things, shoot pellets at me, sic dogs at me.
And I know some of you kids out there are the ones responsible for it.
I'll get you, I swear.
But I just persevere with my message.
Well, there you have it, boys and girls.
Al Bundy.
You might want to check under your beds for him tonight.
And now, back to our movie.
Wait.
I was told I could sell my shoes on this show.
- Your producers promised me.
- Look, what do you want from me? I'm just a hand in a crummy sock.
You'll be a sock full of bloody knuckles if I don't get to peddle my shoes here! I'm on a holy mission.
Stagehand! Stagehands over here.
Well, they're God's shoes and they're real comfortable.
See, the socks are already built in.
- Kids, if you're by the phone - See, I wear them myself.
See? - 911.
Can we get that on the screen? - I'll kill you, Mary! I'll kill you! Sell it, baby, sell it.
Next stop, Ted Koppel.
I bet Koppel gives him the whole half-hour.
Well, maybe 15 minutes.
The rest will be taken up by the "headless man found in lake" story.
- When did that happen? - Soon, honey.
Point your staff at them, Dad.
Turn them all into snakes.
That's not a staff, Kel.
It's a branch one of the neighbourhood kids threw at him.
Well, what's the difference? He's still got the shoe pointed at a camera.
Way to go, buddy.
Idiot.
You sunk all of my money into this man's vision? Hey, trust me just a little, babe.
This is to loosen him up in front of the camera.
I'm gonna plaster his face all over the tube.
Welcome to People to Laugh At.
I'm Dr.
Jonathan Blue.
Today's panel is made up of people who have had head injuries and claim to have seen God.
Let's start with Bob here.
Well, I was eating in this restaurant and a waitress hits my head with a tray and I saw God in my hot and sour soup.
He told me, "Don't order the meat loaf.
" Good, Bob.
Lola? I fell off this table I was dancing on and there he was.
I gave him change for a 5.
Thank you, Lola.
And now, not just a man who saw God but a man who's actually gone into business with him: Al Bundy.
Ladies and gentlemen I will demonstrate the power of the shoes.
I shall release them so you may see them hover and fly about me.
That's great, Al.
Let's get to some callers, shall we? Our first caller is Jerry, a trucker from lowa.
What would you like to ask of those who've been touched? I'd lik e to see the girlie dance.
We'll just go to our next caller.
Derrick from Peoria.
Derrick, do you have a question about an out-of-body experience? Yeah, I got this '85 Bonneville and the side mouldings just won't stay on Derrick, that's out-of-body experience, not auto-body experience.
Well, can I see the girlie dance? Doc, I think we've got another caller.
Okay, okay.
Go ahead, caller.
Yeah, this is for the insane guy with the shoes.
Yes? My name is Bu Bub.
Yeah, Bub.
Listen, did you ever once think what your insanity is doing to your family? Especially your son.
Put on your pants, for heaven's sak e.
Go to work, you bum.
Bud? Bud, is that you? I'm warning you, Dad.
I will not live lik e this.
Don't you understand it's hard enough to get a date These people are morons.
Let's go to the next caller.
No more calls? Okay, baby, dance.
All in all, not bad.
Come on, babe.
I still think this God angle's gonna bring in the suckers.
Oh, please.
The only thing biblical about this is the proportion of its failure.
If I might be so old as to interject here.
Now, I will grant you that God's shoes is somewhat, well, silly.
But not any sillier than the pet rock, the mood ring or, of course, NBC's Sunday night line-up.
Now, the point here is: Why don't we just give Dad a chance? It might just work.
Why didn't it work? Because it was a stupid idea, Daddy.
I mean, if we think about it God probably doesn't even need shoes.
He can afford good carpeting.
And if he ever needed anything like a Big Gulp or batteries or something l'm sure the 7-Elevens up in heaven don't have those signs that say: "No shirt, no shoes, no service.
" And even if they did who's gonna yank a Slim Jim out of God's mouth? Or is all this just going over your head? No, honey.
No, it's not.
It's just dancing around in there with some of your other ponderings.
Like, "What would a chair look like if our knees were in the back of our legs?" I made a teacher retire with that one.
Yeah.
Well, at least there's something.
What, Daddy? They're repossessing Marcie's car.
I didn't know they had a hood ornament.
No, that's just what's left of Jefferson.
Well, at least he's out of his pain now.
You know, I sense you're getting down on yourself, Daddy, and that's wrong.
I mean, look on the bright side.
Most men with your string of failures would have long since have tasted the cold, cruel blade of his own Ginsu by now.
But not you, Daddy.
You keep trying and that's what makes you Daddy, Daddy.
And as long as you don't tell any of my friends, I love you.
Well, thank you, pumpkin.
That makes old Dad feel a lot better.
Attadaddy.
See, that's what I was talking about.
Most men wouldn't bother to flap their arms, but you keep trying.
Daddy? You again.
You're God? No.
I'm Sidney Rimhollow.
I was a shoe salesman outside of Tulsa.
I got the idea for these shoes back in 1925.
Didn't sell a one.
But luckily, I had a loving wife and two children who hired a hit man to kill me.
Why didn't you tell me the shoes were no good? Well, you thought I was God.
So I went along with it.
You won't get away with it.
I'm telling God.
- Where is he? - No, no, no.
He can't be disturbed.
He's watching Knots Landing.
I always wondered why that show was never cancelled.
Well, where's my cloud, my harp and my virgin? Sorry, Al, you're not dead yet.
But this time we're not sending you back empty-handed.
Listen.
I got this idea So you see, kids, there's really no reason to worry about me anymore.
I have divine guidance now.
Sid and I put our heads together and came up with a new idea.
Shoehorn of Plenty.
See, kids, it's kind of a combination shoe store and burger joint.
While you eat, you try on shoes.
By the way, did I say the burgers coming down the shoot will be shaped like a shoehorn? No, Dad, you didn't.
Well, I can't take credit for that idea.
That was John Wayne.
But you know what our motto's gonna be? "If you're not shod, the meal's on God.
" I guess that'll put to rest those rumours of my insanity.