Married with Children s07e18 Episode Script
Peggy and the Pirates
Oh, baby, that's so good.
I never knew it could be like this.
- AI.
- Peg.
- AI.
- Peg.
Al.
Peg, shut up, will you? I'm trying to sleep.
Oh, Al, I had the most wonderful dream.
We were having sex.
Actually, I shouldn't say "we.
" You weren't there.
Oh, yeah? Then why were you calling, "Al"? I wanted you to see how it was done.
Mommy, I can't sleep.
Read me a story.
Hop on in.
Come on, honey.
Good boy.
There we go.
Peg, where am I supposed to sleep? You know, this is why I always said we should have a stable.
That would be like an invitation for your mother to come stay with us.
You know, a place with straw and a nice gate she can rest her breasts on.
Well, I guess I'll have to go to the only place I can truly call home.
Honey, you just make yourself nice and snugly and Mommy's gonna find you a story.
Oh, well, I can't read you that.
Oh, I've been looking for this.
How did that get in there? Oh, here's something.
How about a nice pirate story? Lt's very exciting.
A Ship Called Passion.
Does it have a lot of action and stuff? Oh, yes, it does.
As a matter of fact, I was reading it before I went to bed and I had a very nice sleep.
Now, let's see here.
Okay.
"The beautiful Princess Scarlet looked o'er the bounding main as she sailed from her father's realm to meet her betrothed Prince Paco the Magnificent for the very first time.
The blue waves lapped gently against the shore" A little problem, Peg.
This is a job for old Betsy.
Why do all plungers have girls' names, Al? Because the caveman used to hold their women by the feet for a job like this.
All right.
Now, where were we? "As day broke over Madagascar so did the heart of Princess Scarlet for her ship was taken by the vile pirate, Captain Courage.
" The v oluptuous vixen was a prisoner not of love, but of evil.
If only they were better- looking.
Unhand me, you ruthless rapscallions.
You'll pay dearly for this.
My betrothed, Prince Paco the Magnificent will have your social-disease-ridden hides.
Now, where is your captain, that I may spit in his eye? Where he goes after every great conquest: To be alone to work on the captain's log.
It is I, Captain Courage.
I had to swing in because it's wet back there.
Where is the cabin boy? How may I serve you, sir? You can swab the deck in my quarters ye of cropped hair and dubious sexuality.
Aye, aye, sir.
But I seem to have lost my mop.
May I use your nose hairs as bristles? Mock me if you will, oh, cabin boy-girl.
Now, go, before I make you walk the plank.
Or should I say, walk yourself? I sense you are threatened by my androgyny.
Perhaps it is that encounter that you had with your strange uncle pirate that haunteth you.
I am not gay.
Any man can live with his mother till he's 40.
Captain the men would like a shot at Big Red.
Please, no.
Not now, Wilbur.
Methinks that Scarlet will bring a bigger ransom as a virgin.
But these wenches are fair game.
And as usual, the first choice goes to my first mate Floovio the Handsome.
Ho, Floovio.
Hello, me pretties.
It's time to partake of a hot flagon of Floovio.
You there.
How would you like to play a game of Hide the Hooters with Floovio? Come, wenches.
Kiss me or kiss the sharks.
Floovio, how many times do I have to tell you? Don't give them a choice.
Let us flee these waters infested by my mortal enemy, Rubio the Cruel.
We'll sail for our hideaway where girls do our wishes for bags filled with fishes.
Where is the ship's navigator? Here, Captain Daddy.
I was playing fetch with Long John Buck and I forgot we were at sea.
Navigator, we're sailing to our hideout.
Do your job.
Okey-dokey, Captain Daddy.
Now, in case of an emergency, please use the exits clearly marked on the port and starboard sides of the ship.
And in case of a water landing Floovio has many delightful flotation devices already blown up in his cabin.
But please, don't grab their chests, for the plastic is wearing thin.
Scarlet felt despair creep over her body lik e the fog or was that Black Bob? "Either way, she held firm saving her purity for Paco the Magnificent.
" Lt's worse than I thought in there.
It got old Betsy.
This is a job for old Betsy's mother real old Betsy.
I'm going in.
This time, it's personal.
Okay.
"Later that day, as the welcoming sun caressed the curvaceous princess she found herself alone with Captain Courage.
" I wanted to hate that man and his rascal ways but after a while, I discovered something about him: A zest for life, a je ne sais quoi that was hard to resist.
The days became endless and I became dizzy with wonder.
Where was I? Where was Prince Paco, my fearless rescuer? Where was the Domino's Pizza ship? Thirty days or less, my ass.
My senses were reeling.
On the ship of madness, I yearned for a v oice of reason.
Land ho! Funny-looking land.
Made of wood, sails, oars.
Oh, and a big steering thing, just like us.
My goof.
It was a ship.
Then, as I look ed up, something golden struck my eye.
I thought it was the sun but it was the golden mane of Prince Paco the Magnificent.
Damn wind.
You there, find the dastardly Captain Courage and bring him here that he might pay for abducting my bride-to-be and causing me this uneven tan.
Though he did not know who I was he was drawn to me lik e magic.
By your fiery hair and your bodacious frame you could be the only one to tell me where my fair Scarlet is.
'Tis I, you hunka hunka burning hair.
I am your fair Scarlet.
Well, I guess I could handle you.
Many have died trying.
That's why I'm still a virgin.
But let's give it a go.
Watch it, now.
How dare you disturb me while I was perusing my copy of Seagoing C-Cups.
Prince Paco, sir, may I remind you you have a 3:00 at the beauty parlour.
Set sail! We are deep in the waters of Rubio the Cruel who would stop at nothing to cop our precious cargo.
And soon Soon we shall kill this Philistine in a manner befitting the way he lives.
Nothing will bother me as long as you do not take me away from the sea and saddle me with a wife that doth not work and kids that whilst not leave the ship.
How about we cut off your head and feed it to the maggots? Better.
With the dangerous Captain Courage tied to the mast and Paco by my side the threat of Rubio the Cruel seemed far away.
My prince bared his soul to me.
He could talk for hours about his deepest passions.
I'm a natural blond.
It's really healthy.
No split ends.
All it takes is a hundred strokes a day.
That's the ticket.
One, two What woman wouldn't want this man? But if he was truly the man of my dreams why was I haunted by memories of my days and nights of Captain Courage? But still, I was promised to Prince Paco.
I couldn't break his heart.
It was obvious he loved me so.
Hey, Floovio.
Boy, I sure would like some of that.
What is it? Lt is the cabin boy-girl, sir.
Oh, I am smitten by that boyish kitten.
Ahoy, cabin boy.
I am strangely attracted to you and your dubious sexuality.
And I to you and your easy, pretty-boy manner.
So let me remove all doubt and prove to you that I'm no boy.
How? Look closer, you idiot! Land ho! I hope this doesn't come out of my paycheck.
It was him, the demon of the seas the dagger of deceit the hardest-working pirate in show business Rubio the Cruel.
Ahoy, me mates.
It is I, Rubio the Cruel.
But enough good cheer.
Men, hide your women.
Women, hide your heinies.
For I'll bring you the unique musical styling of Rubio the Cruel.
Rubettes! Now we all know why he's called Rubio the Cruel.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You've been a wonderful audience but now it's time to kill some people and marry the princess.
Any objections, you seagoing weenie? Kill him, Paco.
Rip his guts out.
Show him what I mean to you, baby.
I would, but I'm wearing my good clothes.
Besides, I am strangely attracted to this.
This girl.
This girl.
Who wants to see? Prepare my virgin.
Not that one.
I haven't been at sea that long.
I meant the red goddess.
You're not taking me anywhere.
I'm not gonna spend one moment with you.
Not with that voice and that limited repertoire.
Who's next? Now, nothing will stop me from marrying you, collecting your dowry having my way with you and killing you.
Not necessarily in that order.
Can this be my fate? Married to a man who would butcher both me and Gilbert and Sullivan? Only one could save me but he wasn't here.
Captain, save me, and I will be your woman.
The sea and my girlie magazines are my woman.
Yes, but can the sea and your magazines cook and clean for you? I will.
I just love that stuff.
Yeah? And are you really a virgin? As sure as I love cooking and cleaning.
Well, what about kids? I don't want no kids.
You don't have to worry about that.
I'll be too busy earning us a living and bringing you kegs of ale to have children.
Scarlet, you is my woman.
I can't break these chains.
Cabin boy-girl, come.
Show him your bosoms.
Verily, your flatness saved the day.
Floovio, my blade.
Cruel, hold on now.
If you want this woman, you must go through me.
Let's rock.
You're making me look bad in front of my woman.
At least she doesn't have to look at the bits of corn in your teeth.
That corn is my teeth.
For that, you die.
You fool.
I was taught to fight by the greatest teachers in the finest schools.
Yeah? Well, I was taught how to fight in the street.
And Princess Scarlet lived happily ever after.
He, on the other hand, was not interesting ever again.
Get up, honey.
Now go to bed.
Good boy.
Go on.
Take me, Captain Courage! Who? Why? Peg, no!
I never knew it could be like this.
- AI.
- Peg.
- AI.
- Peg.
Al.
Peg, shut up, will you? I'm trying to sleep.
Oh, Al, I had the most wonderful dream.
We were having sex.
Actually, I shouldn't say "we.
" You weren't there.
Oh, yeah? Then why were you calling, "Al"? I wanted you to see how it was done.
Mommy, I can't sleep.
Read me a story.
Hop on in.
Come on, honey.
Good boy.
There we go.
Peg, where am I supposed to sleep? You know, this is why I always said we should have a stable.
That would be like an invitation for your mother to come stay with us.
You know, a place with straw and a nice gate she can rest her breasts on.
Well, I guess I'll have to go to the only place I can truly call home.
Honey, you just make yourself nice and snugly and Mommy's gonna find you a story.
Oh, well, I can't read you that.
Oh, I've been looking for this.
How did that get in there? Oh, here's something.
How about a nice pirate story? Lt's very exciting.
A Ship Called Passion.
Does it have a lot of action and stuff? Oh, yes, it does.
As a matter of fact, I was reading it before I went to bed and I had a very nice sleep.
Now, let's see here.
Okay.
"The beautiful Princess Scarlet looked o'er the bounding main as she sailed from her father's realm to meet her betrothed Prince Paco the Magnificent for the very first time.
The blue waves lapped gently against the shore" A little problem, Peg.
This is a job for old Betsy.
Why do all plungers have girls' names, Al? Because the caveman used to hold their women by the feet for a job like this.
All right.
Now, where were we? "As day broke over Madagascar so did the heart of Princess Scarlet for her ship was taken by the vile pirate, Captain Courage.
" The v oluptuous vixen was a prisoner not of love, but of evil.
If only they were better- looking.
Unhand me, you ruthless rapscallions.
You'll pay dearly for this.
My betrothed, Prince Paco the Magnificent will have your social-disease-ridden hides.
Now, where is your captain, that I may spit in his eye? Where he goes after every great conquest: To be alone to work on the captain's log.
It is I, Captain Courage.
I had to swing in because it's wet back there.
Where is the cabin boy? How may I serve you, sir? You can swab the deck in my quarters ye of cropped hair and dubious sexuality.
Aye, aye, sir.
But I seem to have lost my mop.
May I use your nose hairs as bristles? Mock me if you will, oh, cabin boy-girl.
Now, go, before I make you walk the plank.
Or should I say, walk yourself? I sense you are threatened by my androgyny.
Perhaps it is that encounter that you had with your strange uncle pirate that haunteth you.
I am not gay.
Any man can live with his mother till he's 40.
Captain the men would like a shot at Big Red.
Please, no.
Not now, Wilbur.
Methinks that Scarlet will bring a bigger ransom as a virgin.
But these wenches are fair game.
And as usual, the first choice goes to my first mate Floovio the Handsome.
Ho, Floovio.
Hello, me pretties.
It's time to partake of a hot flagon of Floovio.
You there.
How would you like to play a game of Hide the Hooters with Floovio? Come, wenches.
Kiss me or kiss the sharks.
Floovio, how many times do I have to tell you? Don't give them a choice.
Let us flee these waters infested by my mortal enemy, Rubio the Cruel.
We'll sail for our hideaway where girls do our wishes for bags filled with fishes.
Where is the ship's navigator? Here, Captain Daddy.
I was playing fetch with Long John Buck and I forgot we were at sea.
Navigator, we're sailing to our hideout.
Do your job.
Okey-dokey, Captain Daddy.
Now, in case of an emergency, please use the exits clearly marked on the port and starboard sides of the ship.
And in case of a water landing Floovio has many delightful flotation devices already blown up in his cabin.
But please, don't grab their chests, for the plastic is wearing thin.
Scarlet felt despair creep over her body lik e the fog or was that Black Bob? "Either way, she held firm saving her purity for Paco the Magnificent.
" Lt's worse than I thought in there.
It got old Betsy.
This is a job for old Betsy's mother real old Betsy.
I'm going in.
This time, it's personal.
Okay.
"Later that day, as the welcoming sun caressed the curvaceous princess she found herself alone with Captain Courage.
" I wanted to hate that man and his rascal ways but after a while, I discovered something about him: A zest for life, a je ne sais quoi that was hard to resist.
The days became endless and I became dizzy with wonder.
Where was I? Where was Prince Paco, my fearless rescuer? Where was the Domino's Pizza ship? Thirty days or less, my ass.
My senses were reeling.
On the ship of madness, I yearned for a v oice of reason.
Land ho! Funny-looking land.
Made of wood, sails, oars.
Oh, and a big steering thing, just like us.
My goof.
It was a ship.
Then, as I look ed up, something golden struck my eye.
I thought it was the sun but it was the golden mane of Prince Paco the Magnificent.
Damn wind.
You there, find the dastardly Captain Courage and bring him here that he might pay for abducting my bride-to-be and causing me this uneven tan.
Though he did not know who I was he was drawn to me lik e magic.
By your fiery hair and your bodacious frame you could be the only one to tell me where my fair Scarlet is.
'Tis I, you hunka hunka burning hair.
I am your fair Scarlet.
Well, I guess I could handle you.
Many have died trying.
That's why I'm still a virgin.
But let's give it a go.
Watch it, now.
How dare you disturb me while I was perusing my copy of Seagoing C-Cups.
Prince Paco, sir, may I remind you you have a 3:00 at the beauty parlour.
Set sail! We are deep in the waters of Rubio the Cruel who would stop at nothing to cop our precious cargo.
And soon Soon we shall kill this Philistine in a manner befitting the way he lives.
Nothing will bother me as long as you do not take me away from the sea and saddle me with a wife that doth not work and kids that whilst not leave the ship.
How about we cut off your head and feed it to the maggots? Better.
With the dangerous Captain Courage tied to the mast and Paco by my side the threat of Rubio the Cruel seemed far away.
My prince bared his soul to me.
He could talk for hours about his deepest passions.
I'm a natural blond.
It's really healthy.
No split ends.
All it takes is a hundred strokes a day.
That's the ticket.
One, two What woman wouldn't want this man? But if he was truly the man of my dreams why was I haunted by memories of my days and nights of Captain Courage? But still, I was promised to Prince Paco.
I couldn't break his heart.
It was obvious he loved me so.
Hey, Floovio.
Boy, I sure would like some of that.
What is it? Lt is the cabin boy-girl, sir.
Oh, I am smitten by that boyish kitten.
Ahoy, cabin boy.
I am strangely attracted to you and your dubious sexuality.
And I to you and your easy, pretty-boy manner.
So let me remove all doubt and prove to you that I'm no boy.
How? Look closer, you idiot! Land ho! I hope this doesn't come out of my paycheck.
It was him, the demon of the seas the dagger of deceit the hardest-working pirate in show business Rubio the Cruel.
Ahoy, me mates.
It is I, Rubio the Cruel.
But enough good cheer.
Men, hide your women.
Women, hide your heinies.
For I'll bring you the unique musical styling of Rubio the Cruel.
Rubettes! Now we all know why he's called Rubio the Cruel.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You've been a wonderful audience but now it's time to kill some people and marry the princess.
Any objections, you seagoing weenie? Kill him, Paco.
Rip his guts out.
Show him what I mean to you, baby.
I would, but I'm wearing my good clothes.
Besides, I am strangely attracted to this.
This girl.
This girl.
Who wants to see? Prepare my virgin.
Not that one.
I haven't been at sea that long.
I meant the red goddess.
You're not taking me anywhere.
I'm not gonna spend one moment with you.
Not with that voice and that limited repertoire.
Who's next? Now, nothing will stop me from marrying you, collecting your dowry having my way with you and killing you.
Not necessarily in that order.
Can this be my fate? Married to a man who would butcher both me and Gilbert and Sullivan? Only one could save me but he wasn't here.
Captain, save me, and I will be your woman.
The sea and my girlie magazines are my woman.
Yes, but can the sea and your magazines cook and clean for you? I will.
I just love that stuff.
Yeah? And are you really a virgin? As sure as I love cooking and cleaning.
Well, what about kids? I don't want no kids.
You don't have to worry about that.
I'll be too busy earning us a living and bringing you kegs of ale to have children.
Scarlet, you is my woman.
I can't break these chains.
Cabin boy-girl, come.
Show him your bosoms.
Verily, your flatness saved the day.
Floovio, my blade.
Cruel, hold on now.
If you want this woman, you must go through me.
Let's rock.
You're making me look bad in front of my woman.
At least she doesn't have to look at the bits of corn in your teeth.
That corn is my teeth.
For that, you die.
You fool.
I was taught to fight by the greatest teachers in the finest schools.
Yeah? Well, I was taught how to fight in the street.
And Princess Scarlet lived happily ever after.
He, on the other hand, was not interesting ever again.
Get up, honey.
Now go to bed.
Good boy.
Go on.
Take me, Captain Courage! Who? Why? Peg, no!