Married with Children s09e02 Episode Script

Life with the wife out of town.
Now, this is marriage.
Forgot something.
But now that things are going so good I know what's going to happen.
Dad.
Dad, I need $700.
No problem.
We'll sell the house.
Of course, we'll have to come up with 500 bucks more.
Dad, I'm serious.
My entire academic career depends on it.
I wanna go to Oktoberfest in Milwaukee with the fraternity.
We're gonna ogle women and eat sausages.
Well, aside from the women and sausages, you can do that right here.
- Dad, everybody's going.
- Everybody's not going.
I'm not going, Buck's not going and you're not going.
I don't care what anyone says.
I'm going.
Now, son, there are other ways of getting money without asking me.
Yeah, but Mom's not here and I don't have a body like Kelly's.
I was talking about a job.
Job? God, you look just like your mother when you say that.
Have you forgotten that I'm in college? No, son, and I'm proud of you.
But if you want money, you should do what a wise man once said: "Get a job.
" Okay.
Fine.
Fine.
But this, much like your honeymoon, will come back to haunt you.
Now, where were we? Hello, Peg.
- Hello, Peg.
- How'd you know it was me, Al? I actually heard God laugh.
Honey, I have great news.
Mom has taken her first step since her heart attack.
Did you alert Tokyo? You know, she never liked you, Al.
That's because I'm not cream-filled.
Goodbye, Peg.
Thanks for calling.
- AI.
- What? Honey, now that Mom is feeling better she wants to try to improve her appearance.
What about aluminium siding? No, Al.
I wanna get her some of the nail polish that she wants but I can't remember what shade she likes.
Chocolate? Honey, it's in the catalogue that she sent me.
What catalogue, Peg? It's called X.
X.
L.
L.
Bean.
And I put it with the mail.
Where is the mail, Gracie? Where it always is, Al.
In the oven.
You know, Peg, I hope there's nothing important in here.
Come on, Al, don't you know if there's something important, I'm gonna to tell you.
"Free tickets to the Chicago Bulls '91 playoff game.
" "Notice: Local drinking water contamination.
" I thought you said there was nothing important in here.
You meant for you.
- All right, I found the catalogue.
- All right.
Turn to page eight.
I've circled the nail polish.
"Minimizing Red"? Oh, that's it.
Thanks, Al.
Hey, you want me to put Mom on? Yeah.
"Driver's license renewal notice.
Send this form in 10 days and we'll automatically renew your driver's license.
" Here's a second notice.
"Send completed test within five days or your driver's license will expire.
" Gee, here's the third.
"When at a four-way stop, who has the right of way? A, the guy on the left, B, the guy on the right or C, the guy not driving the Dodge?" Let me see that.
It doesn't say that.
It does say that.
All right, next question, "When towing a trailer" Skip it! They never ask trailer questions.
If it's in the book, it could be on the test.
Test, test, test If it wasn't for Peg I wouldn't have to take the test.
Expired driver's license.
Why can't a marriage license do that? Ask me the next question.
- "What's your blind spot?" - Two beers and a redhead.
Could life suck enough? What's wrong, pumpkin? Look what they want me to wear on my next Verminator commercial.
It's just humiliating.
It's totally beneath me.
I don't wanna do commercials in a bikini.
I wanna do films where I'm totally naked or at least with that "Hey, Vern" guy.
Daddy, I'm afraid if I keep doing this people are gonna think that I'm all body and no Mind? No, I don't mind, go ahead.
I tried to talk to my boss about it but all he wanted to do was buy me more drinks.
Daddy, what should I do? I think what Al means is you have to be firm.
When my boss orders me to do something that I don't agree with I honestly say what I want and then I threaten to quit.
Well, then what does Mrs.
D'Arcy say? Usually, "Was that it?" But the point is that you are the Verminator.
You hold the cards.
You have to demand that your employer take you seriously or else.
You're right.
Thank you, Mr.
D'Arcy.
- My pleasure.
- Thanks, Daddy.
- Is she gone? - Yeah.
- And the boy's gone, right? - Yup.
Thank God I only had sex with Peg twice.
Well, time to take my test.
Hey, Al, aren't you gonna pack a lunch for that long wait in line? No, because I had the foresight to make an appointment.
I spit on the line! I just arrive in country.
Can I take test now? Of course.
I just arrive in country.
Can I take test now? I'm sorry, sir.
You have an appointment.
Al Boondy.
- That's That's Bundy.
- Sorry.
Anyway, Mr.
Boondy, you've made it to the written test.
What language do you speak? Speak the same language as everybody in this country.
Oh, Spanish.
I don't speak Spanish, you idiot! I speak American.
American? American.
American Here's one.
Whoa, I hope you know a lot about towing trailers.
Congratulations, Mr.
Boondy, you've failed.
Oh, come on, this is my third time.
Can't you just pass me? We are very serious about who we give licenses to.
Here's your new license.
And here's yours.
And here's yours.
But all is not lost, Mr.
Boondy.
There still may be a license with your name on it if you pass the driving test.
A driving test, eh? I'll have you know, I've been driving the mean streets of Chicago for 30 years, in the same mean car with the same mean wife.
So go ahead, give me your best shot.
Show me the moron who dare not pass me.
Boondy? Al Boondy.
Well, congratulations, Bud.
This looks like a great place to work.
Oh, yes, Dad.
You haven't lived until you've given a driving test to a 97-year-old Lithuanian woman who quaintly brought her Who quaintly brought her lucky cheese with her.
The thrill of riding the expressway at 17 miles an hour slamming on the brakes for every single car that passes us.
But the best part was high noon in said un-air-conditioned car when both cheese and woman ripened nicely.
Oh, yeah, Dad.
It's a great place to work.
That's good.
That's good, son.
So why don't you just pass me and I'll see you when you get home.
Oh, I could do that but then I wouldn't be doing my job now, would I? And you know how important a job is, don't you? - You really gonna make me do this? - As sure as your name is Boondy, fella.
All right, you son of a woman from Wanker.
You wanna drive? Let's drive.
Kelly, you sounded so upset on the phone that we came right over.
Well, we stopped for a sandwich first and then we came right over.
What's wrong? No, I just wanted to thank you for all your advice.
I did what you told me to do.
I marched into my boss's office, I said, " I am the Verminator.
I hold all the cards.
" You should have seen the look on his face when he said those two words.
- "I'm sorry"? - "You're fired.
" I'm sorry.
Fired? You dispensed job advice to her? You who thinks a W2 is a bingo number? I know it's not a bingo number.
It's that stuff you spray on squeaky hinges, right? Well, life is certainly taking an upward turn for me.
I'm 23 years old, I have no money and I'm still living at home.
I'm kind of like Dad with blond highlights.
Do you realize that I have classmates getting alimony from two ex-husbands? Kelly, I respect the fact that you really wanna work unlike deadwood over here.
Perhaps we can find something at the bank to tide you over.
Yeah, but I don't know anything about high finance.
I'll get to use my mind, right? I won't be a showpiece.
Trust me, Kelly.
As a feminist and a leader in the financial community I promise you will not be window-dressing.
Son, you know we've been driving for about three hours now.
Don't you think we ought to head back soon? Five points off for complaining.
How much do you mark down for crushing in your face? Look, Mr.
Boondy, this is my job and I am merely being a professional civil servant and I've taken an oath.
Hooters! Hooters! Stop the car! Pull over! Pull over! I'm Heidi and I'm from Bavaria.
Could you direct me to the Oktoberfest in Milwaukee? Oh, yeah, this could happen.
Get in, Heidi.
We just happen to be going that way.
By the way, Dad, I'm taking off five more points.
You should never pick up hitchhikers.
Now, look, son.
I didn't say anything when you told me to cut off that motorcycle gang or told that lady cop to put them on the glass.
But there's no way, no how, I'm taking you and your Wiener schnitzel over there to the Oktoberfest in Milwaukee.
I had the best time.
How about you? Oh, mein Schatzi, I do so appreciate you and your chauffeur taking me to the Oktoberfest.
How can I ever repay you? Oh, that's right, baby pretend like my pants are France and invade me.
There's a five-point deduction for that.
Hey, nice assets.
Oh, good one, sir.
That's even funnier the 100th time I've heard it.
- How's it going, Kelly? - Fine.
Great location for a bank.
Right next to a bar.
Well, that's how we got the Kennedy account.
Yeah, but I feel like some cheap slut.
Well, that's how we're hoping to get the Clinton account.
Besides, we all have to start somewhere.
Yeah, where did you start? Well, I'm different.
I'm a college graduate with a double major in business and economics.
Hey, D'Arcy, time for my back rub.
Coming.
Excuse.
Miss.
No, you can't check out my assets.
No, you can't see my prime interest rate and yes, there is a severe penalty for early withdrawal.
My name Achmed.
I'm in big hurry and car is still running.
Here is note.
You must bring me this much money.
Right away, Mr.
Med.
Or can I call you Ach? Why don't you wait over there and I'll get someone to help you.
A thousand thank you very muches.
- Now hurry, please! - Okay.
Mrs.
D'Arcy, I think that man's gonna rob the bank.
He gave me this note.
Says he wants $50,000.
Now, let me handle this.
It's a very complicated procedure requiring months of intense robbery prevention training.
Bank robber! Bank robber! Help! Get him! Get him! I may even get a promotion out of this.
What seems to be the trouble? Just another robbery attempt I was able to thwart, sir.
Well, good, because the son of our largest depositor is on his way in.
Now, his name is Sheik Achmed Heb Abib.
He'll be making a $50,000 withdrawal.
Please, don't hurt me.
Please, don't hurt me.
So I trust you'll give him the VIP treatment.
I want him to remember his banking experience here.
Oh, yes, sir, I'm sure he will.
Well, let's see how you did.
Apter score, 98, 99 Wait a second.
That's my score.
We had a good time.
Well You had a good time, mine pretty much blew chunks, but I'd like to remind you, while you're figuring out my score that if I don't get my driver's license that means I can't drive.
If I can't drive that means I can't go to work.
If I can't go to work that means I'll have to stay home and I'll be home all the time.
Day and night.
When you bring your dates over I will be in my underwear.
You know the underwear, don't you, son? Not the ones that read: "If you lived here, you'd be home now"? And I'll be clipping my toenails and eating Cheez Whiz out of the can.
Now, let me ask you, son.
How did I do? - You passed.
- Oh, goody.
Thanks, son.
And you did a nice job too.
Of course, you have a nice job.
Well, anybody would compared to me.
Is there anybody with a worse job than mine?