M*A*S*H (MASH) s01e01 Episode Script

J301 - M*A*S*H - The Pilot

[ Man Singing "My Blue Heaven"InJapanese .]
[ Singing Continues .]
[ Popping Sound .]
Fore! Here they come! - I don't hear nothin'.
- Wait for it.
[ Rotors Whirring .]
[ Man On P.
Attention, all personnel.
Report immediately to admitting ward and operating room.
Attention, all personnel.
Report immediately to admitting ward and operating room.
This guy's got a rapid pulse! He's in shock! Get him down to O.
and give him first aid! Let's go! [ Man's Voice .]
Dear Dad.
Hawkeye here.
You said I sounded a bit callous about my job in my last letter.
Well, let me see if I can put it another way.
At this particular mobile army hospital, we're not concerned with the ultimate reconstruction of the patient.
We only care about getting the kid out of here alive enough for someone else to put on the fine touches.
We work fast and we're not dainty, because a lot of these kids who can stand two hours on the table just can't stand one second more.
We try to play par surgery on this course.
Par is a live patient.
- Clamp.
- Clamp.
I'll debride the wound, then we'll go in after the spleen, okay? Dish, clean that up for us, will you? Put some suction on that.
- Give me a clamp.
- Clamp.
Wanna play a little "doctor" after we're finished? - Hurry.
I think we're losing him.
- Scissors.
Hey, Red, give us a little cross action here.
Put in a fix, will ya? - Everything under control? - Uh, yeah, fine.
But if you don't move, I'm gonna have to cut around your " B" cups.
I don't want a Kelly clamp, Lieutenant! - But that's what you asked for.
- Give me what I want, not what I asked for! Hey, Ginger, put a clamp on his mouth.
You can show us all your diploma later, Frank.
- That's enough, Captain.
- Oh, clever.
I can see well enough.
Now give me a sponge.
- I can't see a thing in here.
- Give me the retractor.
- Let me have a clamp.
- Which retractor? - The biggest one you got.
- Get your seams straight.
Give me a clamp.
- Pierce! - Hi.
Pierce, hold on! Oh, lay off, Frank.
I just had a hard day at the office.
Your conduct in there was not only unbecoming of an officer, it was equally reprehensible as a medical man! Frank, I happen to be an officer only because I foolishly opened an invitation from President Truman to come to this costume party.
And as for my ability as a doctor, if you seriously question that, I'm afraid I'll just have to challenge you to a duel.
Swords or pistols? I was thinking of specimen bottles at 20 paces.
There are ladies present.
- Oh, sorry, baby.
- Major to you.
Oh, sorry, major baby.
You're both a disgrace to this outfit.
Aw, come on, Frank! We've all had 12 straight hours of meatball surgery in there! My brain is sending me urgent rest telegrams.
You must be tired, too, after all that malpractice you put in.
- You're dismissed! - Thanks, Mother.
We gotta get up early anyway and fix MacArthur's hernia.
Come on, Mary.
Some nurse this guy had.
- Oh, yeah.
Was that the one with the- - Yeah, right.
The one I was tellin' you about.
Hi, Ho-Jon.
She came to me once with a sore throat.
She didn't mind my examining her tonsils, but she didn't understand why she had to take off her clothes.
- That's a woman all over.
- Best place for 'em to be.
Night, guys.
I've left a call for 1967.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks, Ho-Jon.
All right.
- Ah.
Finest kind.
-Just like Mother used to make.
You know, we gotta do it someday.
Throw away all the guns, and invite all the jokers from the north and the south in here to a cocktail party.
Last man standing on his feet at the end wins the war.
You guys got mail.
That's Hawkeye.
I don't feel like mail.
Go ahead, open it.
They can't draft you again.
Bad news from my wife.
She still loves me.
Would you believe this? She still thinks I got sent to Korea as part of some secret plot to cheat on her.
- Well, didn't you? - Yeah, but how did she figure it out? Hey, Ho-Jon! Come here.
Sit down.
I got a letter from Dean Lodge.
- Is that a good place to stay? - Ha-ha.
He's the head of my alma mater.
Listen to this.
"Dear Hawkeye, as dean of the college, I naturally remember you very well.
" After my first autopsy, I mailed him a nervous system.
"Your request to enter the Korean boy, Ho-Jon, "seems one of your nobler gestures, "and since his academic record meets our requirements, "we will be pleased to accept him this fall, "provided you can get him here "and also send me $1,000 tuition before the 15th.
"It was good hearing from you.
"If you do to the army what you did to this college, America is finished.
Yours sincerely-" Etcetera, etcetera.
- Hot dog! - Hey, that's terrific.
How can I ever thank you? You just go back there and become the best possible you you can.
- I go tell my folks.
- Okay.
[ Sighs .]
Where are we gonna get a thousand dollars? It's more like 2,000, you know, with transportation and clothing and everything.
He can stay with my parents, so there's no problem there.
[ Muttering .]
Maybe we could sell Spearchucker while he's asleep.
There must be something we can sell.
What does everybody want here? What- What do all these people want more than anything else? To go home or, uh, Tokyo, whichever comes first.
- What do they really want? - Sex.
- Ahh.
- 'Cept for those baseball perverts.
All right, we'll have Radar print up some tickets, and you make up a sign.
Mind tellin' me what we're gonna put on the sign? "All you can drink, ten bucks a head.
"Giant door prize: weekend pass for two in Tokyo.
" Lucky winner to share the company of a gorgeous nurse.
" You wanna raffle off a nurse? Is that what I said? Yes, sir? Radar! Radar, don't do that.
Yes, sir.
You wanted to see me, sir? Yes, but let me say I want to see you before I see you.
Yes, sir.
You wanted to see these, sir? - How did you know that? - That's why you called me.
Oh, yeah.
- You wanted me to take those, sir.
- Yeah.
Captains Pierce and Mclntyre to see you, sir.
Show them in.
- How are ya, Henry? - How are ya, Henry? That's not what you guys came to ask.
I mean, the last thing you wanna know when you say, " How are you?" is how am I.
All right, Henry, let's skip the gristle and get right down to the bone.
Now, what we want from you is two weekend passes so we can raise this tuition.
See, what we wanna do is raffle them off, along with the company of one of our nurses whose heart and everything else is in the right place.
Seems like a good enough cause.
Why don't I trust you guys? - 'Cause we're not trustworthy.
- Yeah.
Yeah, maybe that's it.
How do I know you're on the level? Which nurse have you conned into doing this? Well, I haven't approached her yet, but there could be only one choice.
A girl with a face that doesn't quit.
A girl with so much body, she should be continued on the next girl.
-[ Henry .]
Lieutenant Dish.
-[ Hawkeye .]
Lieutenant Dish.
-[ Henry .]
Lieutenant Dish will never agree to this.
-[ Hawkeye .]
Oh, but she will.
Because inaccessible as she is to everybody else in this cruddy outfit, she's putty in the hands of the master.
Hawkeye, that makes me crazy.
My lips were made by Stradivarius.
[ Hawkeye .]
Dish, I have to ask you a favor.
[ Dish .]
How many times must I tell you? I'm engaged! [ Hawkeye .]
I'm engaged too.
Think of me as a dress rehearsal.
[ Dish .]
Always sneaking up on me! -[ Hawkeye .]
Who sneaks up on you? - Psst.
[ Dish .]
You really thrive on rejection.
Hawkeye, I'm trying to be faithful.
A girl can only take so much.
[ Hawkeye .]
Are we anywhere near that point yet? You said you wanted a favor.
Yeah, I'll tell you after I finish my lunch.
Here's $10 for Radar's ticket.
Ten dollars for the Painless Pole.
And $10 for the winning ticket.
You walk off with this raffle, we're gonna be able to sell tickets to your lynching.
Don't worry about it.
How are we doin'? Oh, around 600.
We're a little short, you know.
Oh, well, we haven't given everybody a chance to contribute.
- What are you doin' to Frank's gear? - Selling nickel-nose a ticket.
I know he wouldn't mind if he were alive today.
What are you doin' there? I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank.
Since when are you interested in the Bible? I peeked at the end, Frank.
The devil did it.
Shut up! You get off of there.
Don't get physical, Frank.
You'll blow your sainthood.
I've had just about as much as I can stand from you two, between your snide remarks and your corruption of Ho-Jon and your-your-your turning this place into a brothel! - Hey, whoa! - Wait a minute! And a distillery! Frank, I'm tellin' ya.
You drop that gin mill and your head's gonna go in the shop.
Um, listen, guys.
I didn't know it was gonna break.
- Oh, that's okay.
- It's all right, Frank.
Don't worry about it.
Don't give it another thought.
[ Shouting .]
- [ Shouting .]
- I thought he'd never leave.
Henry, you have no idea what it's like to share a tent with a guy who thinks he's all 12 disciples.
Be that as it may, if I don't do something about this, Frank'll report it to Hammond, and he'll put my butt in traction! And get your feet off my desk! So I'm withdrawing the weekend passes.
You can forget about the party and raffle business tomorrow night.
Henry, that's pretty regular army of you, isn't it? It's just as well.
I have to go down and see Hammond in Seoul for a few days, and I wasn't any too happy about the party taking place in my absence.
[ Woman Singing " Happy Days Are Here Again" In Japanese .]
[ Rotors Whirring .]
Happy days are here again What's this? It's the weekend passes for the raffle.
When did he sign these? When he thought he was ordering a ton of ice cream.
Fudge ripple.
Happy days are here again [ Continues InJapanese .]
[ Man On P.
Attention, all personnel.
Both day and night shifts will be confined to duty in the admitting ward tomorrow night.
All other activities are cancelled.
There will be no exceptions.
By order of the acting commanding offiicer, Major Frank Burns.
[ Singing Continues .]
- Captain, put that down! - #Happy days are here a-## What do you say, buddy? Morning, Frank.
- Morning.
- Hey, Frank, I'm glad you got here.
You wanna hear something really wild? Come here.
[ Gasps .]
[ Hawkeye .]
What's the matter, Frank? Frank's a little groggy.
[ Trapper .]
He needs a little rest.
[ Hawkeye .]
He's been so tense.
Sometimes rest is the best medicine.
There you go, Frank.
[ Everybody Humming " Brahms' Lullaby" .]
- [ Mutters .]
- [ Hawkeye .]
What's that, Frank? - [ Mutters Again .]
- Okay, Frank.
Now let's see that this patient gets all the rest he so badly needs.
I say he should be sedated every hour on the hour.
- [ Mutters .]
-##[ Everybody Humming .]
[ Big-Band Style .]
[ Man Singing InJapanese .]
[ Chattering .]
Oh, you look good.
Hiya, Ho-Jon.
Thank you.
You still haven't told me how I get out of going away with the winner.
And why do I get the funny feeling it's gonna be you? You don't trust me.
Not since the first time I found you hiding in my sleeping bag.
May I have this shuffle? [ Singing Continues .]
- Excuse me! - Oh! Excuse me! Father.
Captain Pierce! Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
My dance card's all full.
- Where is he? - Who? You know very well who.
Major Burns! He's been missing for hours! - Oh, I thought you'd heard.
- Heard what? Frank's gone over to the enemy.
They offered him $100 more a week and a royalty on bedpans.
When I find him, you'll be under arrest! It doesn't bother me.
My spies tell me three companies of Canadians attacked Hill 55 about an hour ago.
By midnight, this place'll be flooded with casualties.
Personally, I don't plan to work if I'm busted.
Well, you tell that to Major Burns.
Look, Hot Lips- Why don't you stop worrying about Elmer Gantry? Grab yourself a partner and give him a dancing physical.
Excuse me! - Excuse me! - You will live dangerously.
What could she do to us? General Hammond, please.
Tell him it's Major Houlihan.
[ Margaret .]
Major Margaret Houlihan from Fort Benning.
Major Houlihan? [ Crashing .]
Excuse me.
Don't get up.
Yes, sir.
[ Party Guests Chattering .]
Frank? [ Man Singing "Chattanooga Choo-Choo"InJapanese .]
Frank? [ Singing Continues .]
Okay, okay.
Calm down, everybody.
First of all I want to announce that, because of your generosity and thirst, we raised over And that means that Ho-Jon's college career is off to a flying start! Go, team! Fight, team! Yea, team! Put that man in traction.
The next thing I wanted to tell you is to get out your raffle tickets, because this is when the whole thing hits the fan.
Frank! [ Rotors Whirring .]
And now, the incomparable Lieutenant Dish.
[ Cheering .]
Star of stage, screen and radiology, will dip her sensuous claw into the bowl and pick the lucky winner.
Here it is, ladies and germs, the name of the fortunate man who will spend a glorious weekend for two in Tokyo with the completely edible Lieutenant Dish.
And the winner is FatherJohn P.
Mulcahy! Ten-hut! It- Do I understand that the priest of this outfit has just won a weekend with a nurse in Tokyo? - It's a prayer come true.
- Who are you? Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce.
Who are you, Sarge? What do you think this star means? You're Tinkerbell? This is Brigadier General Hammond, Chief Medical Offiicer of the Seoul Sector! Oh, hi.
Which one here's Mclntyre? Yo! You and Pierce are both under arrest.
I'd like to get a second opinion on that.
[ Muttering .]
What's the charge, General? Breaking orders by having this party.
- And handing out unauthorized passes! - [ Groans .]
- [ Muttering .]
- The mummy strikes! Major Burns, sir- - Hamilton.
- Hot Lips.
- Hot Lips? - Hot Lips? Those two! They're ruining this war for all of us! Get your M.
's, Henry.
On the double! Come on, Henry.
You two are going to be court-martialed.
- In Tokyo? - San Francisco? Right here is where you'll be tried, and right here is where you'll serve your time.
Now get moving.
You're under arrest.
- I'm afraid we can't do that, General.
- No.
It's a good idea, though.
I'd do the same thing in his place.
- You can't do what? - Listen! - What? - Wait for it.
Those helicopters you're about to hear are gonna be filled with Canadians who went to a different party tonight.
-[ Rotors Whirring .]
- Without us, a lot of those kids are not getting home.
[ Man On P.
Attention, all personnel.
Report immediately to admitting ward and operating room.
General, look.
Hey, you can put us in the clink after.
But right now we got a job to do and we're a little shorthanded around here, and we can use all the help we can get.
By the way, how are your hands? - Steady? - No.
Dirty nails.
Come on.
Let's get ready, men.
I got it.
There it is.
I see it.
Okay, let me have the suture.
Come on.
Let's go.
Good girl.
- Suture.
- Okay, we got it.
[ Sighs .]
Well, I haven't put in a stretch like that for years, Henry.
Makes you remember what you're all about, doesn't it? Radar! - Yes, sir! - Damn it, Radar! How many times- Yes, sir.
I've alerted the General's pilot.
He's ready to take off.
Now, I want you to alert the General's pilot to be ready to take off at any time.
- And that's an order.
- Henry.
Those two maniacs are the best surgeons I've ever seen.
Made me feel like a horse doctor in there.
Now make sure you don't lose 'em, not even to me.
Yes, sir.
You're not leaving now, are you, sir? I've got to get back to the base, Henry.
- Oh, I was hoping to give you a box of your favorite- - Cigars.
- Cigars.
- Oh.
Thank you, Henry.
Don't forget what I said.
Hey, where's he goin'? We're all set.
Forget it.
He was too impressed to have you arrested.
We did it again- screwed up in reverse.
I keep telling you, we gotta give up this preoccupation with keeping people alive, or we'll never get outta here.
- It's no use.
We're doomed.
- Maybe we should start using rusty instruments.
- Stop washing our hands.
- Raise our prices.
Hi, there.
I couldn't help noticing you in the operating room.
Great the way you did- What do you mean, it's too early in the morning? Hey, I liked your work with the sponge this morning.
[ Woman .]
#I will always be yours for eternity # [ Man .]
Attention! Attention! The following personnel are assigned to the 4077 th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital.
Alan Alda.
Wayne Rogers.
McLean Stevenson.
Loretta Swit.
Larry Linville.
Gary Burghoff.
Karen Philipp.
George Morgan.
Patrick Adiarte.
Timothy Brown.
Odessa Cleveland.

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