M*A*S*H (MASH) s02e03 Episode Script

K402 - Radar's Report

[Radar Narrating.]
To: Headquarters, Seoul, Commanding General.
From:4077th MASH, Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake, commanding officer.
Subject: Weekly activity report and personnel record.
Period: 17 October, 22 October, inclusive, 1951.
17 October.
Incoming wounded unusually heavy.
All surgical personnel on full alert working 24 hours.
[Woman Giggling.]
Radar? Uh, would you toss me the keys to the linen room, please? Thanks, pal.
Among incoming surgical cases: One enemy prisoner.
Subheading: Infantry.
Subheading: Chinese Communist.
Description of prisoner wound attached see schedule under Wounds, Chinese, Communist.
Details of incident in O.
You're new here.
Yes, sir.
Lieutenant Erika Johnson.
You're built very nicely for a lieutenant.
Another suture.
I'm Hawkeye.
A little suction here, okay? Nice touch.
Beautiful eyes.
If you do windows, you're hired.
- There's too much chatter in here.
- [Blake.]
Forget it, Frank.
- Just operate.
- Is that what he's doing? I've seen better surgeons at religious sacrifices.
I've been operating for years and never had any complaints from my patients.
How many talking horses are there? - Got any plans for later? - No.
More suction.
How about a cup of coffee? Go for a ride in an ambulance with the top down? - Okay.
- Great.
Just my luck, under that mask you don't have any teeth.
In that case, the date's off.
Not necessarily.
I've been here a long time.
Okay, this kid's all ready to go.
He's all retreaded.
Let's go.
Get him out of here.
Come on.
Let's go.
You're gonna be okay, pal.
You got a new team here? Oh, boy, look what this guy's got.
Look at that.
What is this? Are we operating on Communists now? He's a wounded prisoner, Frank.
They brought him in with the last batch.
- He's had 50 of Demerol.
- [Mclntyre.]
Take it easy, Hawk.
The way they're brainwashed, he thinks we're gonna carve him up and eat him.
That means peace and friendship.
Gwen, let me see this other picture here.
He's got a small bullet wound in the rump.
Okay, put him under.
In cases like this, an hour after you operate you're hungry again.
- [People Gasping.]
- Hey, kiddo, get back on the table! Get away from here, you nut! All right, watch it.
He's got a knife.
- What's he gonna do? - [Nurse.]
All right, just stay calm everybody.
Don't panic.
Calm down.
Nobody move.
Help, guard! Mayday! - Bungchow! - Somebody grab him! Bungchow! Bungchow! - [Screaming.]
- [Shrieking.]
There goes the I.
! He's contaminated the whole field! And that's the last bottle of A-B negative blood we've got.
Nurse! Bungchow! Oh, please, bungchow! Easy.
It's okay now.
No one's gonna hurt you.
Just give No, no, no.
No one's gonna hurt you.
Give me the knife.
Come on.
Give me the knife.
Come on.
- [Screams.]
- Give me a sponge.
- She's hurt! - Okay, kid, relax.
Just take it easy now.
Just calm down.
Take it easy.
It's all right.
What's all the hoo-ha? Are you crazy? You wrecked a $39 dress.
Your people will pay for this.
Father Mulcahy tried to calm the prisoner by yelling "bungchow," thinking it was Chinese for peace and friendship.
Unfortunately, it really means, "Your daughter's pregnancy brings much joy to our village.
" P.
Surgery completed by Captain Pierce.
Prisoner recaptured by Corporal Max Klinger who sustained loss of personal property.
Please see requisition form S427J-9 requesting replacement of one brassiere brand name, Miss High Rise, 36 B-cup.
I had that kid five, maybe ten minutes away from closing.
- How could you let him grab a knife? - New experience for me too.
My patients don't grab a knife until after they've seen the bill.
He's going sour on me, you know.
Temperature 102.
Vital signs are lousy the works.
I every confidence in you, Dr.
I made you a nice cup of tea.
I don't feel like any.
You make it very hard for a guy to be a Gray Lady.
Chateau Hawkeye, '51.
A very good year.
A cheeky little wine.
They call it the "rascal of the vineyards.
" Red or white? Hash for dinner.
I think red.
I'm bringing this to Erika's.
Just like you to poison an innocent girl.
- How's she doing? - Oh, she's fine.
Prisoner winged her.
Superficial, but it should be good for a week in Tokyo.
- Accompanied by her personal physician.
- Personal physician.
It figures.
Cutting up a nurse is bad enough.
But why did he have to louse up my patient? Come on, Trap.
Ease off.
The guy was terrified out of his skull.
I'll tell that to the kid in bed six.
If I ever get him conscious again.
You do your part and I'll do mine.
[Man Over P.
Attention, Major Houlihan.
Your chest X-rays are ready and they really came out beautiful.
Pierce, what's the big idea saluting me? We all have our bad days, Frank.
- [Growls.]
- What are you doing? Can't a guy have a wash and set without somebody biting him on the neck? - Biting who? - I was biting you.
- No, you were biting me! - Klinger, what are you doing in here? Borrowing your shampoo, Major.
It's wartime.
We all gotta help each other.
No, we don't! You get out of here, you pervert! Pervert? Who bit who, Major? Out! Out! [Grunts.]
I've had enough of his shenanigans.
I'm going to talk to Henry.
I want that freak out of this outfit and out of the U.
Army! Frank, you're so exciting when you get all riled up and decisive.
- I am? - Would you like to bite the real thing? Ah.
That's really nice.
- Thanks.
Is this wine? - Well, you could call it that.
Just keep it away from open flame or living tissue.
- I'm glad you're feeling better.
- Just a bit throbby, that's all.
- In a way, I'm not sorry it happened.
- Come again? We can always tell our children, "Your mother and I met at a stabbing.
We were introduced by a berserk Chinese Communist.
It was love at first blood.
" - What's the prognosis? - I'm afraid I have bad news for you.
- What? - You have only ten seconds to kiss me.
Let's listen to the old heart, shall we? [Clears Throat.]
Listen, Lieutenant, I gotta shove off.
- But you just got here.
- Well, there's a lot [Stammering.]
- What? - A lot of sick people.
At ease, everybody.
Sit if you like.
- Burns, you wanted to see me? - Yes, and it's very important.
- What's the problem, Frank? - We have a situation that's out of hand.
- Something has to be done.
- I've sent for Corporal Klinger, sir.
- What do I want Klinger for? - Because it directly concerns him.
- Send for him right away, Radar.
- Yes, sir.
- Go ahead, Frank.
- Corp.
Klinger has got to go.
He's a menace to the discipline and morale of this military establishment.
That's a very serious charge.
Get Klinger over here right away.
Yes, sir.
- Colonel - Frank, please try to say something.
Even a gurgling sound would help.
Look, you keep this up and someone's gonna do an autopsy on you.
I've had it with that clown Klinger! He's degraded all of us for the last time.
Klinger reporting, sir.
- Please, sit down.
- Thank you.
At ease.
Okay, he's here.
Let's have it.
What's wrong with Klinger? "What's wrong with Klinger"? A soldier stands in your office in an evening gown and you ask what's wrong? I'll admit, he's no Lana Turner.
I don't usually wear floor-length during the day.
- Oh.
- [Burns.]
Henry? This moron is bucking for a section 8, and I want you to help him get it.
Bless you, sir.
Section eight is a pretty drastic matter.
Believe me, sir, I am drastic.
Colonel, we can always take it directly to the adjutant general.
[Radar Narrating.]
Acting on complaint of Majors Burns and Houlihan, Col.
Blake has requested psychiatrist from headquarters to determine if Corp.
Klinger can be discharged under section eight.
Crazy people.
- Did I tell you? - What? I told you you'd pull that kid through and you did with your own two heads.
- I guess I'm some kind of a genius.
- You're just too dumb to know it.
Fill her up please, pal.
Everything under the hood is okay.
- I meant to ask you, how's Erika? - Oh, she's fine.
- But I don't feel good.
She's married.
- Married? Married, as in "I love you, but you never take me anywhere.
" - Married.
It's a very common illness.
- So, what's the problem? I guess I'll have to junk a few of my fantasies, like walking off with the lieutenant hand-in-hand in the sunset.
It's like that.
I thought you were gonna give her one of your dancing lessons without music.
Well, so did I, and then all of a sudden everything changed in mid-lechery.
Hey, look.
How many alternatives do you have? You can stay in there and keep pitching, or you can back off and start with somebody else.
You know something? For a man with a slow leak in his head, sometimes you think pretty good.
Trapper, the O.
Just sent me over.
- Yeah, what is it? - Your patient.
He's in big trouble.
Did they say what kind of trouble? Internal bleeding, deep shock, like that.
Great little war we got here, huh? I can do without it.
19 October.
Number of incoming wounded decreased.
Mclntyre's patient critical.
Chinese P.
Making postop recovery.
Erika Johnson recuperating under personal supervision of Capt.
Under personal supervision of Capt.
Request by Col.
Blake for section eight evaluation of Corp.
Max Klinger has been approved.
Milton Freedman, divisional medical staff psychiatrist, arrives tomorrow.
- Yeah? - This way, sir.
He's bucking for psycho, and giving everybody a swift pain in the butt.
The question is, should he have it? How do you feel about it? You're the doctor.
He's here, sir.
Klinger, this is Maj.
Freedman, divisional psychiatrist.
Major, sir.
You got me up here to ask me about him? About that? Well, you see, it really wasn't my idea.
All the way from Seoul to ask me what? Whether he needs a girdle under that? Whether his seams are straight? Okay, okay, it's all part of the war, I guess.
I have a few questions to ask you.
Sit down, soldier.
Yes, sir.
Now, what's your name, honey? Normal.
If you were any more normal, you'd be sick.
What is it? - Why do I wanna kiss your thermometer? - Oh, come on.
I never wanted to kiss anybody else's.
Believe me, I could've kissed thousands.
I did my residency in a big general hospital.
Every day I could Hawkeye, what's wrong? Us, you, me, him.
You name it.
What am I doing? What am I doing? Wh-What am I doing? Whatever it is, I approve.
You're married, madam.
You're a married madam.
Why don't I go away? - Hawkeye, I am not married.
- Your finger's just turning gold? That's my grandmother's.
It cuts down on wrestling matches.
- You're not married? - Never have been.
Move over, Lieutenant.
- Was it really that important? - Even before I knew if you had teeth.
[Man Over P.
Don't panic, folks.
It's just the generator again.
- I wanna go order the invitations.
- You're moving a little fast.
No, not really.
We'll take our time, think it over.
Then we'll get married when we're ready, like tomorrow.
It'll be a quiet ceremony.
Just the immediate family and the Eighth Army.
- I have a confession to make.
- What's that? I never wanted to kiss your thermometer.
[Man Over P.
Pierce, report to O.
Pierce to O.
On the double.
I'll be right back.
Don't go anywhere.
Don't do anything.
- Don't get married.
- Don't worry.
- So, what's the picture? - I gotta go back in on the kid in bed 6.
He's got an abscess fever, secondary infection, elevated white count.
- Bingo.
- Yeah.
I tapped a gallon of pus out of him this afternoon.
Didn't do any good.
All on account of that idiot with the knife.
Hey, you wanna hear some good news? You ready? Erika's not married.
- Who? - Erika! You're working with a terminal bachelor.
- Great.
- How'd you like to be second best man? You'll have to shave, of course.
All right, come on.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Mclntyre, wait.
What do you mean? - When? - A minute ago.
[Door Opens.]
So you're doing okay, huh? Getting all that juice you need? Trapper? Trap? That's not what we're about.
- Sign it.
You'll have your wish.
- What does it say? It says I've examined you and found you to be a transvestite and a homosexual.
- You may also have postnasal drip.
- I ain't any of those.
- You ain't Errol Flynn either.
- Where do you come off calling me that? I think I got the idea from your cleavage.
Now, this will be on your record permanently.
From here on, you go through life on high heels.
- Sign it.
- The hell I will.
I'm just crazy.
All I want is a section eight.
You know what you can do with this.
Hey, soldier.
You forgot your purse.
- Hawkeye? - Hey, Erika.
Come on in.
Ooh, so this is the Swamp.
Famous in song and story.
Haven't changed a thing since Valentino died.
Uh, you shaved this morning, didn't you? That's right, and I'm gonna shave again later on.
- Little drinky for the memsahib? - Why not? From now on, I shave constantly.
Beards are for bachelors.
Uh, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
It's all over camp we're getting married.
Don't you think we oughta talk about it before you start knitting little things? Be gentle with me.
I've never, uh I've never caught the bouquet before.
Quite honestly, Hawkeye, I have certain very definite doubts about marriage.
Now you tell me, after I shave? Quiet honestly, it's just not in my plans.
- I thought we had something going here.
- We do, something very strong.
So why superimpose marriage on it? Well, it's been known to work.
- Mom was married.
Dad was married.
- My parents were married too.
Everybody I know is.
It's the world's It's just not my favorite institution.
##[Radio: "As Time Goes By".]
Just what I needed their song.
Be honest, Hawk.
Don't you think you're wanting to get married is kind of a war thing? No.
I'd love you in war and peace.
Or Moby Dick.
Any of the classics.
Well, the boot is finally on the other foot.
You know how many times I've told women there may not be any tomorrow? There may not be.
I've got orders for Tokyo.
- I'll be leaving in the morning.
- No kidding.
No kidding.
Well, if we can't have the marriage, how about a very short, intense engagement? Would you sign this, please, sir? Just exactly what am I signing? This week's activity and personnel report.
- Didn't I sign it? - That was last week.
- Oh.
Is it now already? - Yes, sir.
Here, sir.
- Can I read it? - Yes, sir.
You never let me read anything I'm signing.
Sometimes I get the feeling you're trying to hide the war from me, Radar.
- No, sir, no.
- I'll be the judge of what's here.
"Chinese Communist prisoner berserk in O.
"Wounds Lt.
Erika Johnson and contaminated one surgical case.
- Right, sir.
"Psycho examination [Mumbling.]
Corporal Klinger.
" Did you see that number Klinger was wearing in the mess tent this morning? - The tight little green satin job? - I must have missed it.
It was a head snapper.
Johnson reassigned, Tokyo.
Mclntyre lost patient due to complications in O.
Yes, sir.
Wounded Chinese prisoner recovering.
" - Well, every week can't be exciting.
- No, sir.
There may be a golf ball in your office.
- I'll try and find it.
- Thank you.

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