M*A*S*H (MASH) s02e11 Episode Script

K411 - Carry On Hawkeye

[Man Over P.
Attention, all personnel.
Because of the epidemic, tonight's broken film, which has not arrived yet, is canceled.
A reminder from Colonel Blake: Due to the flu, kindly refrain from kissing anyone, unless absolutely necessary.
Come on, Trap.
See if you can bite the spoon.
Well, you eat it all, you can see the picture at the bottom of the bowl.
The Three Little Pigs in escrow.
Why do doctors always make such lousy patients? If you were a patient, would you trust you? Come on, now.
One for General MacArthur? He hasn't had a thing.
Lieutenant Anderson.
- You look new.
- Only one owner.
- Oh, sense of humor.
- [Mclntyre.]
My nose has no teeth.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Lieutenant Anderson, this is Captain Mclntyre.
A doctor with the 24-hour flu, which is now in its third day.
I wish we'd met when I was alive.
Come on, now.
One for Ward Bond? [Man Over P.
Attention, all O.
- Attention.
Incoming casualties.
- They're playing our announcement.
See if you can get him to eat something.
Otherwise, start him on I.
If he makes a grab at you, let him.
He needs the exercise.
You'll be playing the violin again in no time.
You know, there's a good chance I may not catch that old devil flu.
- Oh? - You have your own private immunity? You're invulnerable to viral infections? I breathe through my ears.
Pipe down, will you, Pierce? It's like living in a wind tunnel, but it fools the germs hanging around my nose.
- You okay, Jacobs? - I'll be all right, Doctor.
Ah, that's good.
- 'Cause I'm deathly ill.
- [Pierce.]
What's the matter? Stop doing Jolson and get to bed.
I'm fine.
I'll be just fine.
Jacobs, put him to bed.
- Take the next one for yourself.
- I'm fine.
I'm just fine.
Put a screen in between your beds.
He's most dangerous when he's on his back.
Don't thank me until you get my bill.
The big, dumb strong ones always go first.
- Suction.
- Suction.
Getting ready to close.
Four-oh silk, and mop my forehead.
- Doctor, I just did.
- Don't argue with me.
Just do what I The lights - Doctor! - Stay where you are.
Don't leave.
Father, give him a stool.
- Can you land the plane by yourself? - I think so.
- All right.
Help Sheila.
- Gloves.
Nothing clever.
Just close and call me when you're finished.
- Right.
- Belly up to the instrument tray.
Give him some gloves here.
Left one first.
Four-oh silk on Keith needle.
- Deever retractor.
- What? Deever retractor.
The curly thing with the curl.
Oh, oh.
A Deever retractor.
They do give them complicated names.
That's the cross we bear, Father.
- How's Frank? - He's unconscious.
Saving lives at last.
Suction, Father.
Coming right up.
Father, since we're working together, is it all right if I call you Dad? [Pierce.]
Look, General, I realize that flu is epidemic in the whole theater, but I'm all alone here.
I'm a humble captain.
Yeah, l Yes, I know I know I'm a capable young surgeon.
Let me add I have good prospects and I'm a great catch, but I'm not looking for a husband.
I need help here.
Just send me some hands.
Jack the Ripper.
Anybody who's good with a knife.
Wait General, I understand the problem.
When am I gonna get somebody here? Days? Uh Thank you, General.
You've been a big help.
Everything I said to him went in one star and out the other.
Well, anything I can do to help.
That's a nice offer, Radar, but unless you can graduate medical school in the next two hours, forget it.
I suppose you realize you're ranking surgeon now.
It's hard to believe I'm sitting in Henry Blake's chair.
This is the chair from which a thousand indecisions have been launched.
Yes, sir.
- Tell you what we're gonna do, Radar.
- Check the personnel directory.
Call Seoul, Tokyo, Okinawa and Pusan, see if we can get another surgeon that can come in here and help you.
- You put the words right into my mouth.
- Yes, sir.
Don't get fresh.
Come in.
Margaret! I've done this often, but I never dare dream it.
Mind your tongue.
Frank's flat on his back.
I think we should follow his example.
Frank wants his Bible.
Where is it? It's over there under his catalog from theJapanese sex shop.
He doesn't have one of those.
He's even making a shopping list.
You'll find the page creased under the inflatables section.
- Patch kits included.
- Be serious for just one minute, please.
I am, Margaret.
You know, there's a frontier feeling around here.
Joel McCrea is in bed.
So is Ralph Bellamy and Colonel Andy Devine.
Now there's just you and me Frances Dee and Slim Summerville.
Why do you talk like that? I can't help it.
I'm part of the movie generation.
I spent every Saturday morning and afternoon in the dark.
I'm really not interested.
I could easily have been a mushroom instead of a doctor.
I'll tell you what you're not.
You're not Commanding Officer.
- Oh, yeah? - As a major, I'm next in command.
Okay, you take charge.
You've just been waiting for a chance to take over, haven't you? Look, I want a command about as much as I want a scholarship to Devil's Island.
Let's have a clear understanding.
You won't take yes for an answer, will you? I'll get to the real thrust of what I'm saying.
You're the sorest winner I ever met.
You've emasculated me for the last time.
I'm in charge now.
Okay, Madame President.
You take care of the surgical matters, and I'll handle administration.
We'll be so busy we'll never see each other, darling.
[Helicopters Approaching.]
After you, sir.
I suppose you're wondering why I asked you all here tonight.
Years ago, each of you did something terrible to me.
What are you talking about? Nothing.
You're in charge.
You take over.
Don't be foolish.
I wouldn't presume to tell you anything about surgery.
All right, let's get organized.
You'll be working with Sheila.
This is a promising young surgeon who prays a lot.
Got a great touch, especially on Sunday.
All right.
- Okay, uh, scalpel.
- Scalpel.
- Kelly clamp.
- Kelly.
Okay, promising young surgeon, give me your hand.
All right, hold that down, right there.
You got it? - Yes, I'm holding it.
- All right.
Don't let go of it.
All right.
There are no fragments.
- Irrigate the wound and pack it over.
- Yes, Doctor.
Margaret? Over here.
Kelly, gloves.
You're really in charge here, Commander.
You'll work with Wilson.
You're so scared, I'd like to put my sterile arms around you.
- I'm okay.
- Okay.
I'll open up the paradidymal and see what we've got, or rather what he's got.
I'm ready.
That's what I tried to tell you when we were alone.
Okay, uh, Charlie, I'm in the M's now.
Uh, what about this guy: Martin, Robert H.
? He's listed as a chest cutter.
He's a pediatrician? Uh, Charlie, we get very few pregnant soldiers.
- Pierce! - Coming, Mother.
- Nice job.
That was good help.
- Thank you.
What's happening? - I I'm not sure.
- That's perfect.
I've never done this before.
Bet you can't remember the first time you said that.
Just put a clamp on that other bleeder there.
Hawkeye, could I trouble you? Coming, Father.
Okay, sponge.
Uh, hi.
Harry? Uh, right.
Radar O'Reilly over at 4077 th? Yeah, listen.
Has your outfit got a Dr.
Anthony McDonald, General Surgeon? Huh? He changed to psychiatry? That's crazy.
[All Chattering.]
Is that really his gallbladder I'm holding? It ain't his money belt, partner.
Hold it.
Ready to close now, Doctor.
I'll be right there.
Meantime, look for your wristwatch.
Surgeon's joke.
I don't feel well.
Would you be good enough to take this gallbladder off my hands? - Okay.
Richardson retractor.
- Richardson.
- [Houlihan.]
Pierce! - Just a second.
Hold that back, will you, Sheila? Metzenbaum scissors.
- Metz.
- Hawkeye? - Yeah? What? Any luck? - No, I struck out.
I called Okinawa, Seoul, Tokyo.
Everybody's got the flu, or they won't come, or whatever.
We may have to close the war.
- [Sheila.]
I'm out of clamps.
- Well, get some, quick.
Not you, Sheila.
Get back here.
Hold that.
Father, get us some clamps.
- We've got to close him now.
- Somebody get us I'll be right there.
- Wait a minute.
- [Houlihan.]
I've got to close him now.
Will you wait a minute? - [All Speaking At Once.]
- My kingdom for an intelligent octopus! Hi, dear.
Having a tough day at the office? Just filling out the daily report.
Add these.
Pints of blood used.
Pints of blood needed.
Progress of cases reports.
And on page six, you'll find my resignation.
If you skip every other word, you'll see it's also a suicide note.
Don't be facetious.
All right, then I'll go home as a deserter, in chains, anything.
- That will do, Captain.
- I don't care.
I'm getting out of here.
And I'm taking you with me, Margaret.
We'll send for Frank later.
Can I interest you in a little Have you examined the flu patients? Frank's temp is up.
Henry's is down.
Trapper seems to be hovering between Sheila and Shirley.
He'll be able to play Saturday in the big game with Abnormal State.
I'm gonna sack out.
You want anything from me before I go? I'm yours.
Well, I have something a bit more constructive.
A new serum.
It came in on the last chopper.
They think it might prevent the flu.
- It's experimental.
- [Laughing.]
Classic army thinking: Locking the barn after the horse has the flu.
It may help.
We ought to immunize each other.
Margaret, another dream come true.
I think we ought to give each other injections.
I'm no good with a needle.
I never have been.
I can take it.
- Where do you want it? - In my arm.
Party pooper.
- Ah! - Told you I was lousy.
Maybe we are in a movie.
You're Bette Davis and I'm George Brent.
- You do me.
- Roll up your sleeve.
- Uh-uh.
- What do you mean, "uh-uh"? I want mine in my tushy.
- You what? - Derriere.
The back of my front.
The fleshy part.
I can't take pain.
I can only give it.
All right.
Lower your trousers.
I thought you'd never ask.
Only as far as you have to.
- You're just loving this, aren't you? - Aren't you? - Let me get at your hip.
- Anytime, darling.
Sir? Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Ow! Margaret, that was fantastic.
I hope you realize this means we're engaged.
I hope you realize this means we're engaged.
- Well.
- Henry.
Oh, Colonel.
Well, Mr.
And Mrs.
4077 th at home, in my office.
- Should you be up? - I'm just fine.
I'm perfect.
You look like an ad for death.
You know what kind of a bird moves into another bird's nest while the colonel bird is sick? - Somebody had to take command.
- So you did it together.
That's double indemnity.
That's what that is.
I seen it in a movie.
- You're burning up.
Get back to bed.
- Oh, no, no, no.
So you two can just sit around my desk and smoke my cigars? - She couldn't help it.
She was drunk.
- Oh, stop.
Well, forget it.
Just-Just get out of there, Mrs.
Yes, sir, I am back on the bridge.
I'm in command around here again.
He went down with his desk.
- Package, lady.
Where do you want it? - Right there, Doctor.
Pierce, I'm fine.
Just fine.
All right, Henry, you just go to sleep and we'll leave a call for February.
Same treatment he was getting before he went over the wall.
- Right.
- Look at me, sick in Korea.
If I was back home in Bloomington, Illinois, my wife would be taking care of me.
She'd be leaning over my bed with her hair in curlers and cold cream on her face and those chipped fingernails.
The kids playing ball up against the side of the house, my dog at the foot of my bed having an accident.
Boy, am I glad I'm here.
What are you doing? Unless I've got amnesia, this is how you dress, right? You strong enough to get back in the game? I think I'm getting better.
There's two of you there.
There used to be three.
Very good.
You can do double hernias.
Fever gone? Mother used to kiss my forehead to find out.
We tried to reach your mother.
She doesn't make house calls.
You gotten any replacements? We've been offered a veterinarian and a gynecologist.
They'll be helpful if we get a horse that's going through menopause.
- Been rough, huh? - I've had more fun at autopsies.
Well, help is here.
Uh, Dr.
Pierce, could you look at bed five? If you'll look with me.
No, no, now, Frank, I don't think you should.
Well, Mclntyre's getting up.
You're sicker than he is.
Everybody knows that.
My nose feels like it weighs five pounds.
Oh! Frank, I'm in command now.
I can get a lot of things changed the way we want them.
Oh, that's terrific, Louise.
Louise? - That's your wife.
- Where? Where? Frank, we're in Korea.
Oh, good.
She'll never find us.
Yes, Frank.
Lie still.
I'm all right.
We're gonna have to get out of here.
Why? Too many people in this motel.
- What's up? - It isn't Trapper.
I'm with you, Hawk.
I can make it.
All we have to do is move the floor into the operating room.
Let me alone.
I can stand.
Sure, if we screw you to the flagpole.
Look, Trap.
You wanna help me, don't help me.
The only way you're gonna get better is if you let yourself be sick.
I think I can manage that.
Hawkeye, chopper's on the way, loaded with casualties.
Hawkeye, chopper's on the way, loaded with casualties.
Fifteen minutes at the most.
All right, Father, get your tap shoes.
Sheila! Margaret, let's go.
- Come on.
- I have to go now, but I'll be back.
Good-bye, Nancy.
Nancy? You're the best receptionist I ever had.
- Frank! - Honestly, Louise, we had to work late.
Double requisition everything.
We need whole blood.
Tap the kitchen staff and the Korean personnel.
I want a pint from everybody.
I gave this morning.
Can I give again? It's too soon.
Anyway, your blood is nearsighted.
- Is that possible? - Keep checking for doctors.
Nobody'll listen.
Tell them you're acting under the direct orders of General Clayton.
Just one moment, Captain! - Radar, go.
- Stay! - I said go! - And I said stay! She outranks you.
She's got more things on her uniform.
She's got more things in her uniform, but go.
Sorry, sir.
I thought we understood that I am administration.
Let me tell you something, administration.
You know that little shot you gave me for the flu? - Yes? - Well, it worked.
I've got it.
Are you sure? I've got enough nausea to light up the city ofToledo, okay? First I'm hot, then I'm cold.
And my knees are in business for themselves.
My tongue has gone cashmere, and I'd like to find an all-night latrine that takes servicemen.
Now, have I got the flu or am I just in love? - Do you think you can operate? - I've got to.
What am I gonna tell the casualties, to stop bleeding until I feel better? I wanna see if you've got fever.
Believe me, I've got fever to burn.
I'm worried about you, Doctor.
You really are, aren't you? You know all those rotten things I've said to you, all those nasty little tricks I've played on you? Yes.
I'd like to get well and do them all over again.
How do you feel? I have this terrific thirst for embalming fluid.
Are you gonna make it? That's up to you, Margaret.
You're incredible.
As sick as you are, digging into someone's gut, and you still can proposition a nurse.
I've endowed a dirty old man to make a pass at you two years after I'm dead.
It's in my will.
- Okay.
You close the skin.
- Right.
How's it going, folks? Bleeding's under control.
You look awful, Doctor.
I feel awful.
It's a set.
Saline solution for, uh, irrigation.
Get a retractor first.
Father, pull that back, will you? Get the saline.
Pull it back more.
I can't see in there.
Can you get it back more? Get some suction.
- Suction.
- All right, that's enough.
- Hawkeye? Hawk? - Get it back a little bit more.
It's okay, Hawk.
I got 28 pints of blood.
You're a good man, Tiny Tim.
- Scalpel.
- Scalpel.
- You okay? - Scrub up.
- Hmm? - We need help.
Kelly, get him ready.
- Clamp.
- Wait a minute.
I can't operate.
- You're not.
You're gonna help.
- How's my fainting gonna help? Scrub up! All right, we're just about finished, Father.
- Is he all right? - Better than I am.
Can you close or do you want me to get you started? - I can do it.
- Hawkeye, was I all right? All right? I'm putting you in for the Distinguished Cross cross.
You're making a terrible mistake.
If we did nothing else, we got you to wash your hands.
Yes, sir.
Right this way, Doctor.
- How you doing? - Okay.
I finished debreding the wound.
You know, you're better than Frank.
But then so is the patient.
Radar, you'll be assisting Margaret Houlihan nurse, friend and all-around good egg.
He's very sick.
Okay, gang.
Ours not to question why.
- Mayo scissors.
- Mayo.
Let me have a clamp.
- A what? - A clamp.
- Which one is a clamp? - There.
- Metzenbaum scissors.
- Metz.
- Okay, let me have a scalpel now.
- Which one? - [Man Over P.
- Be very careful.
Here is the latest news from Armed Forces Radio.
Stockholm Dr.
Ralph Bunche has just won the Nobel Peace Prize.
Moscow Joseph Stalin announced he has been unanimously reelected ruler of Russia.
Paris French Army today predicted it would bring a swift end to the Vietnamese war.
Detroit the automobile industry reached its production target of six and a half million cars.
Koreaammunition and material shortages continue to hinder the Allied war effort.
Pierce, in recognition of your outstanding service and dedication and as a token of our admiration, uh, this scroll has been signed by every member of the 4077th.
That really hits me where I live.
Nice going, buddy.
I'll never be able to look at this without thinking of you, Frank.
- You were superb.
- Thanks, Chief.
All right, people, let's break it up.
I ordered bed rest for this patient.

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