M*A*S*H (MASH) s02e21 Episode Script

K421 - Crisis

[Man Over P.
Attention! Senior surgical staff and Father Mulcahy report to Colonel Blake's office.
On the double.
Shake it, sirs.
[Wind Howling.]
Will you be serving drinks, sir? Radar, this is not a social function.
This is probably the most serious meeting I've ever had to call.
This will take all of my resources to guide us through these rocky waters.
This will be a real test of my "leadershipmanship.
" So no booze.
- Colonel.
- [Blake.]
Morning, Father.
Take a pew.
- We're here, Colonel.
- Good.
Just park your heinie.
This better be important.
Major Burns is very busy.
- It's important.
- He certainly hopes so.
These senseless meetings have wasted enough of his time.
You're in very good voice today, Frank.
Be sure to wind him up for the question period.
- Hi, Henry.
Skull session? - Where's Pierce? He'll be along in a minute.
He's giving a nurse mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Ten-hut! Oh, come on, Pierce.
Can the tomfoolery.
- Morning, Father.
- Good morning.
- Comfortable? - Yes.
This your first flight? All right, people.
I'm gonna give it to you straight.
Starting right here and now we're all going to have to put our shoulders to the wheel, our noses to the grindstone.
We've got to hunker down and pull together, all for one and one for all.
Welcome to the Henry Blake Cliche Festival.
I happen to be serious, Mclntyre.
- Then stop talking in samplers.
- Our supply line's been cut.
- Who did that? - The other side, Frank.
We can't do everything ourselves.
Radar, read a list of a few of the things we won't be getting for a while.
Yes, sir.
"Fruit, vegetables, assorted food, "fuel oil, blankets, bandages, - linen replacements, toilet paper.
" - Uh-oh.
That hurts.
"No mail call, no electrical parts, "no flares, no winter clothing, - no playing cards, no shuttlecocks.
" - That does it.
How do they expect us to fight a war without shuttlecocks? If they can fly wounded in here on choppers, why not supplies? If Regimental's right, the fighting shifted to the north and we won't be getting any casualties.
That's the same Regimental that said to Custer, "One last stand, and then you can go home.
" I think H.
Knows what it's doing, buster.
It's galling to hear officers ridicule command.
I'm not an officer.
Two guys from the draft board caught me with a big butterfly net.
There you go.
There's your lounge lizard at war.
That one I got to write down.
We've all had it too good too long.
What would have happened in 1776 if the Minutemen on their way to Concord had stopped to worry about toilet paper? So we would have had independence ten minutes later.
All right, people, let's put a lid on the bickering.
We're all in this together.
I think this entire unit should go on immediate red alert.
That makes good sense.
I would make it conditional, however.
- On what? - On what does red alert mean.
Emergency situation.
Drastic measures.
Distribution of power.
Watch it, Henry.
This is how they got the Czar.
- I know what to do, Pierce.
- Here you go, sir.
Radar, give me this here clipboard I got here.
All right, during this situation of, uh Red alert.
Red alert.
The following people will be in charge of these things that they'll that they'll be in charge of.
Uh, fruit, vegetables, assorted food - Major Frank Burns.
- Here, sir.
- He could've fooled me.
- Burns.
You'll be in charge of conservation, distribution and the possible rationing of food.
Captain Mclntyre, heat and electrical power.
Captain Pierce, maintenance and general service and supplies.
Major Houlihan, you will look after the nurses.
Margaret, I'll trade you my maintenance for your nurse looking-after.
- Down, Pierce.
- Okay.
Radar will be the housing officer.
Now, before this is over, we may have to double up or triple up to save heat.
Radar will decide who sleeps with who.
Radar, I'd like to see you right after the meeting.
- What's my assignment, Skipper? - Oh, Father Mulcahy, of course.
Uh Ah, you'll be in charge of morale.
"L" for Isaiah, 26.
"N" for Nazareth.
Bingo! I got it, Father! - All right.
Let's review.
- What have you got there? Bingo, sir.
"Nazareth" put me over.
Those are coffee beans.
We're facing a possible food shortage, and you're playing with people's beans.
Father, I'm surprised at you.
Really, Father.
Well, I only thought for morale purposes - Lay off the Father, Major.
- Will you stay out of this? Where did you get that mink coat? I paid for it myself.
"What did you do in the war, Daddy?" "I was latrine officer, son.
My outfit never made a move without me.
" Hey, should we leave in the staples? Damn the staples, man.
This is war.
Everyone has to live dangerously.
- Hey, close the door.
- What are you Okay, guys, put 'em right in here.
What's going on? New sleeping arrangements, by order of Corporal O'Reilly, housing officer.
Hey! By order of Captain Mclntyre, heating officer.
- Radar.
- Sir? I want to dictate an order.
Radar, uh, am I getting taller or is the room shrinking? - Well, somebody cut the legs off, sir.
- Aw, that's dirty pool.
Well, they'll burn anything to keep warm, sir.
I know, but to cut off a man's legs and steal his drawers.
Okay, take an order.
- Uh, we're out of paper, sir.
- They burn that too? Well, not right off.
[Man Over P.
Attention! Due to shortage of oil and wood, tonight's movie will be burned at 1800 hours.
Where did you get that wood, soldier? My sister sent it to me, sir.
[Knock Knock.]
Come in, Frank! Hi.
Is the lady of the house in? - What are you selling? - That depends.
What are you buying? Oh, Frank.
You have the perfect personality in a crisis.
I've got something better than that.
- Oh, Frank, it's so cold.
- Wait.
- Frank, a baked ham! - Shh! Where did you get it? As food supply officer, I was checking the supplies.
I requisitioned it on a chain of command priority basis.
- You swiped it.
- Right.
Oh, Frank, how can we eat when others may go hungry? We're leaders, Margaret.
We need to be strong.
The others will be weak because they haven't eaten, but we'll be strong because we've got the food they didn't get.
Frank, when you say it, it makes so much sense.
You've eaten all the pineapple, Margaret.
Oh, Frank, I hate to admit it, but war can be exciting.
Oh, yes, when God is on your side.
- Who is it? - [Mclntyre.]
It's the heating officer.
- You can't come in! - [Pierce.]
We'll huff and we'll puff and we'll blow your nurse down.
- [Knocking.]
- One Just one moment! - That hot plate has to go.
- Who says so? - He does.
He's in charge of heat.
- And just who are you? I'm his helper.
He doesn't like to heat alone.
We're cutting down on electricity use, except for the hospital.
Has somebody been operating on a pig in here? - What a dumbbell question.
- Trap, you smell it? Unless I'm mistaken, we've interrupted a luau-ectomy.
Take the hot plate and get out.
- No! No! - Frank, let go of that.
- I got you covered.
- Hello, hello, hello.
What is it? Mr.
Minuteman here has climbed down off the Washington Monument long enough to do a little Valley Forge gorging.
I'm deeply ashamed.
Major Houlihan had nothing to do with it.
I alone perpetrated this awful act of greed.
Major, what happened here tonight will never leave this room.
What about the ham? The ham will have to be put back from whence it came.
- Of course.
I'll do it.
- No, we'll do it.
- How do we know you won't gonna eat it? - Give us a saliva test later.
Captain, Captain.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
You're both most gracious.
Say no more, ma'am.
Frank, we'll expect a hundred dollars every Tuesday.
Small bills, unmarked, in a plain envelope.
Oh, you.
We are not.
[Man Over P.
All personnel must begin sleeping together tonight.
Check bulletin board to determine the sex of your tent.
What's for dinner? Brick again? I gotta heat my cot.
When all this is over, I'm gonna invent an electric bedpan.
- Yeah, sure.
- Oh, you scoff.
They laughed at Orville Wright when he invented his brother Wilbur.
They said he would never get him off the ground.
Oh! Oh! Guess I'm your bunk buddy for tonight.
Welcome aboard, Father.
This is quite a hotel you have here.
This is where the Ritz hit the fan.
- Well, where do I sleep? - On anything that doesn't move.
And if you pray in your sleep, please try to mumble.
Of course.
Well, I guess I'll just brush my teeth now and hit the old sack.
Roger, Father.
This is where I'm supposed to be tonight.
I'm not so sure.
You either need an escort or you have to wear a necktie.
Where do I park it? - Do you like to read at night? - Yeah.
Take the cot next to Frank.
He gives off a glow.
That one right there.
I never slept in an officer's tent before.
We'll try to be kind.
Chickee, the house dick.
What's the idea of the gun, Frank? It's classic.
The enemy cuts off your supply lines lets you get cold and hungry, and then they go right for your soft underbelly.
- That's why the rifle, fella.
- Just like you to panic, Frank.
Who's panicking? Well, do you see anybody else pressing the soft underbelly button? - What's he doing in here? - Sharing our tent.
Not on your nellie.
You won't catch me sleeping with an unlisted man.
- Frank? - Hmm? Just wrap yourself in the flag and go to sleep.
And don't get in bed with that gun.
That's an order.
A captain can't give a major an order.
- Then it's a threat.
- Well, that's different.
This was a great war till you guys showed up.
[Mclntyre, Pierce.]
Oh! Oh! - Colonel Blake's party.
- We have your reservation, sir.
A single bed for yourself and a cradle for your son.
Let's not have a lot of tongue-wagging in here tonight.
Which bed should I take, sir? Well, let me face away from everybody, Radar, on account of me snoring.
- Oh, lovely.
- Henry, you're joking.
Joking? I could be on the Olympic Snoring team.
I snored the siding half off of my house.
I even got a fan letter once from the seismograph people at Fordham.
How are we supposed to sleep with that? Well, if it gets too bad, just do what my wife does.
- What's that? - Hold me close.
Oh, rats.
I have to go to the sandbox.
Ow! Klinger.
Excuse me.
Oh! Oh! - Hey, Power Boss.
- Yeah? - Can we afford a little night music? - Yeah, about 30 minutes.
- ##[Radio: Instrumental.]
- What kind of cold cream is that? - Creme de Menthe.
- My wife uses it.
- Oh? - On her corns.
Oh, Frank, you're all romance, you devil.
Aw, shut your face! Any of you sirs want anything before I do my nails? Yeah.
What do you say we all observe about eight hours of silence? [All Groaning.]
Excuse me, Burns.
Better keep the brass monkeys in tonight.
Well, I guess we're all here.
Our Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for seeing us through this day and ask Thy divine help for tomorrow.
Same time, same station.
Sorry, Father.
That's quite all right.
Humor, too, is one of His creations.
It's been years.
Let me see if I can recall that prayer.
"Now I lay me down to sleep, a bag of peanuts at my feet.
"If I should die before I wake, give them to my brotherJake.
" [Man Over P.
Attention, all personnel.
Incoming wounded.
Heavy casualties expected inside the hour.
All personnel on full alert.
They said there weren't going to be any more casualties.
Frank, if I were you, I'd sue North Korea for every penny they've got.
All right, everybody, up and at 'em.
We've got ourselves a new ball game.
All the food, all the fuel.
Patients get first priority.
Let's move.
I knew all this was too good to last.
Regimental? Yeah, hold on for Colonel Henry Blake.
Sir, Regimental! Regimental? Henry Blake here, MASH 4077 th.
Say, we're running out of just about anything you guys'd care to name.
Fuel, rations.
And newspaper is selling for one dollar a page.
A dollar a page.
Stars and Stripes.
Anything we can get our hands on.
Look, buddy, what do you say you get on the stick down there, huh? Yeah, l I realize Yes.
Now, wait Just lis Now, look, buddy, I bought a lot of war bonds, and you are now talking to a pretty upset stockholder.
- Pickups and scissors.
- Pickups.
- [Mclntyre.]
- [Woman.]
Yes, Doctor.
For guys who weren't supposed to be wounded, they're doing a good imitation.
- Kelly clamp.
- Kelly.
Frank, you're magnificent under stress.
Thank you.
[Instruments Clattering.]
[Man Over P.
Attention, all surgical personnel.
Electrical power will be cut by ten percent.
And please use whole blood only when absolutely necessary.
- Try not to bleed, huh, fella? - Can you believe that? All they can send us is casualties.
Everything else they run out of.
Okay, clamp that artery.
It's bleeding against orders.
This place ought to be called Benedict Arnold Hospital.
Hey, Frank made a joke.
I think we ought to get a second opinion on that.
# Comrades, comrades # # Ever since we were boys # # Sharing each other's sorrows # # Sharing each other's joys ## "Uninhibited nurse interested in Nietzsche "Freud, Beethoven and pre-Columbian art will spend evening with anybody with five pieces of wood.
" "Hungry? Cold? Tired of it all? "Come to tent nine, change into something comfy, put on mask and wait.
No appointment necessary.
" Sir, we're gonna have to set up in here tonight.
It's a smaller tent.
Less heat required.
I understand, Radar.
Uh, Radar, what's the poop on the overall situation, status-wise? Not too bad, sir.
The food's holding out and the fuel's okay.
We are having a little trouble with the T-paper shortage.
Oh? People are breaking into the fortune cookies.
And I really feel that we girls have held up our end of this critical situation in true-blue American fashion.
When this is over, I will personally send in a commendation for those of you who have acted in the Yankee Doodlest manner.
- [Houlihan.]
Good night, girls.
- [Nurses.]
Good night, Major.
Good night, Major.
Klinger! Out! Frank, stop swinging.
Well, I can't help it.
What time does this tent land at Ellis Island? Hey, can we put a lid on the chatter? I'd like to get some shut-eye.
Hear! Hear! - Radar.
- Sir? You wear boots to bed? Well, just in case I have to, uh you know.
Oh, Radar, I wish you hadn't said that.
- Henry.
- Hmm? - Not again.
- Mm-hmm.
I'd give five dollars if somebody would go to the latrine for me.
- I'd go.
- That'd be two-fifty, Henry.
No sense fighting it.
Henry, I think you're ready for your 3,000-mile check.
Ha ha.
[Klinger Shouts.]
Guys and sirs.
Klinger, you promised to be home by 10:00.
Major Houlihan threw me out of the nurses' tent.
She found out I was a man.
You've got to get up pretty early in the morning to fool Major Houlihan.
Look out, folks.
Bring back a copy of tomorrow's New York Times.
- That's very funny, Mclntyre.
- Maybe there's a review of the war.
Just our luck it'll be a hit and we'll be here for five years.
Just go to sleep, will ya? Radar, save my place.
Let's everybody go to sleep fast before he comes back.
Did you believe that snoring he did last night? Speaking of noise, why don't you shut your yaps? Martha, we're going to have to move.
The people upstairs are impossible.
Knock it off, you foul balls.
Now, fellows, this should be our finest hour.
- Father, your cross keeps sticking me.
- Oh.
Forgive me, son.
- Why aren't you sleeping with a blanket? - None of your beeswax.
- Everybody is freezing.
- It's my metabolism.
I'm hyperthyroid.
Very low blood pressure.
Very low body temperature.
That comes from being dead for two years.
Hey, his feet are hot.
What are you doing with hot feet, Frank? His socks are hot too.
- You keep your nose out of my socks.
- He's wired.
A battery.
They're hunting socks.
I got a bra like that.
Maybe I'll sleep in the nurses' tent.
What am I saying? - Share some of that heat, Frank.
- Don't you dare unplug me! What's going on? Frank's tootsies are wired and he won't share them.
- His what? - They're hunting socks, sir.
At this hour? I'll get the Bingo cards set up for breakfast.
- Take off his socks! - For crying out loud! Father, it's cold out there.
Want my stole? Oh, thank you, my son.
- We're desperate, Frank.
- Yeah, give us your socks.
- Put your feet in my pocket for an hour.
- Are you crazy? Give me a toe, Frank.
Let me hug your ankle.
Hey, now, come on.
Let's not turn into animals.
Give me that back! Those are my socks! Those are my batteries! Henry, did you call Regimental yet? Yes, I called Regimental and they said they're doing their best.
There are people at the Alamo still waiting for supplies.
Oh, gripe, gripe, gripe.
#The boys are marching # Kocher.
- Major? - Yes, Doctor? You're dedicated to the sanctity of human life? - Of course.
- Blow in my ear.
- What? - I'm so cold my pilot's gone out.
- Three-0-chromic.
- [Woman.]
I don't know whether to close this patient or crawl inside him.
Sir? I've got some great news.
Well, tell me what it is and then burn it.
- Regimental called.
- Collect, right? No.
They sent us a ton of stuff, a whole truck full.
Oil, warm clothes, steaks, hot dogs, hamburgers, firewood.
- Everything we need.
- [All Laughing, Cheering.]
Settle down, people.
That stuff will be out there waiting for us.
First things first.
Ha ha! I told you the army would come through.
Right again, Frank.
My one regret is that I didn't live to see it.
Metzenbaum scissors.
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't get me wrong, Corporal.
I'm very grateful for all the supplies.
I mean, you guys saved our lives.
You're welcome.
No, it's it's just my office.
My office? Yeah.
Well, you see, during the recent crisis, people had this aversion to freezing, so they just burned anything that didn't move or salute.
I mean, I'm talking to you from deep inside a real big empty.

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