M*A*S*H (MASH) s03e14 Episode Script

B310 - Private Charles Lamb

- Corporal.
- Sir? - Where are you going with all those vegetables? - Uh, nowhere, Major.
- I was just fixing myself a little salad.
- A little salad? You could hide in there till the war was over, and nobody'd find you.
My doctor back home says I have to eat lots of greens.
I have a, uh, deficiency of malnutrition.
What kind of a jackass do you think I am? Oh, you'd know that better than me, sir.
Corporal, if those vegetables are for you you sit down there and eat 'em right now, every bit of'em.
Now, sir? Uh Well, I was gonna eat 'em at the movies tonight.
Who eats salad at the movies? - I'm a vegetarian, sir.
I won't touch popcorn.
- Oh.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Major Burns stopped me.
Oh, gee.
He's rough.
I thought he just hated people, but he hates us too.
- Hi.
Here you go.
- [Chittering.]
Here you go.
You're eating just as good as we do now.
I sure am sorry about that.
What's up? Come here.
I want to see you.
Come on.
Come on.
Oh, there we go.
It's just the war.
If you were an American animal, you'd be miles away from here.
Maybe not, though.
I'm here, and I'm an American animal.
[Man On P.
Attention, all personnel.
Incoming wounded.
Both surgical shifts report to the operating room.
Both shifts, please.
- We just came off a shift.
- I feel like an embalmer's practice dummy.
You know how easily I could live without any more wounded? - It's called peace.
- Well, we certainly can't have any more of that.
[Hawkeye Narrating.]
Dear Dad: The wounded keep coming and coming.
The latest batch were Greek soldiers.
Greece is one of the 17 U.
Countries fighting here in Korea.
Greeks, Siamese, Ethiopians, Turks.
You name 'em, we got 'em.
The common denominator is blood, and it's all red.
And there's an awful lot of it leaking out around here.
- [All Chattering.]
- Okay, cut that.
[Hawkeye Narrating.]
We spent the better part of a day mending the heirs to Plato, Plutarch, Aristotle, Socrates.
I know a Greek back home.
Owns an ice cream parlor.
Right next door to the Confucius Hand Laundry, Frank? What's that supposed to mean? - Want to learn about medicine, Mr.
Kwang? - Mm-hmm.
All came from Greece.
Started with a man named Hippocrates, born in 460.
Right next door to 461.
He, uh, wrote treatises on medicine handed down concepts that are in use today.
He also composed the Hippocratic Oath.
Very good, Frank.
Go to the head of your patient.
I'll finish here.
Put him back on the wooden horse.
- Marlow, you want to give us a hand here? - Suction.
Ours is a noble and ancient profession, Mr.
- Homer wrote about doctors carrying out operations in The Iliad.
- Right.
Of course, they didn't make temple calls.
Who was it who wrote, "A physician alone is worth many men"? - I wrote that, Frank.
- Tsk.
Actually, my receptionist said it once during a tandem exploratory.
Hey, somebody put me or this patient back to sleep! Come on, honey! Move! What have we here? Is my leg bad, Doc? - I've seen worse.
- Will it have to come off? I don't know how to do that.
We'll have to keep it on.
You'll be fine.
Take five.
Okay, let's prep him.
Come on.
- Radar - Sir? I will never understand how you can hear me before I ever call you.
I guess it's the same as cows lying down on all fours just before it rains.
- Do cows lay down on all fours before it rains? - Yes, sir.
I wonder why.
I don't think they want to get their bags wet.
- Sure know a lot about animals, Radar.
- I got 16 cats back home, sir.
At the draft board they found a fur ball in my throat.
- Thanks for the pencil, Radar.
- You're welcome, sir.
Oh, sir, there's a Colonel Andropolis to see you.
Well, do we know any Andropolises? Andropoli? - He's with the Greek army.
- Has he got a problem? Does he look like trouble? - Uh, no, sir, he looks pleasant enough.
- All right.
- Show him in, Radar.
- Uh, yes, sir.
This way, sir.
- Colonel Blake? - Yes, sir? Colonel Andropolis, sir.
I am most grateful for the treatment my men have received at your hospital.
Well, we aim to please, sir.
- Can I offer you a drink? - Thank you.
Uh-oh, I'm afraid the cupboard's a little bare.
Someone's been coming through the rye here.
A drink is not necessary, Colonel.
Well, I usually wait till noon myself.
I just Oh, ah.
Here's some gin.
- Have you ever tried ouzo? It's a Greek liqueur.
- Oh, yes, I did.
I had a few down in Seoul.
Tried to go to sleep in a wastebasket.
- [Laughs.]
- Yep.
Well, here's looking up your old address.
Our Greek Easter, Colonel, is this coming Sunday.
Oh! Well, happy, uh Athens.
Uh, for those of my men still in hospital here I have arranged for certain delicacies to be airlifted from Greece.
- Oh, that's nice.
- Your people are invited to share them with us.
Oh, well, that's very kind, sir.
Uh, Sunday? Uh Uh, fine, good.
I'll just cancel the film on the history of athlete's foot.
- Good.
- [Clears Throat.]
Delicacies? Uh, grape leaves, lamb, moussaka.
- Ouzo? - Oh, a bathtub full.
Well, I'll practice keeping my head underwater.
Well, I am afraid duty calls.
Good day, and thank you.
[Speaking Greek.]
- I'm your relief.
- Ah, they couldn't get a doctor, right? A word about today's lunch: Don't.
It's called Army Surprise yesterday's corned beef hash rehashed in hearts of helmet salad.
- Here you go.
- Which end do you blow in? That kid, the one whose leg you did Chapman, the arterial reconstruction wound was self-inflicted.
- You noticed.
- The powder burns, the angle.
- You noticed.
- The powder burns, the angle.
For anyone to shoot him that close, they'd have to both be inside the same uniform.
When are they going to put out a manual for these kids on how to self-inflict? Think Frank knows? Frank knows so little, it's hard to keep up with how much he doesn't know.
I don't think he knows.
He'd have the kid up on charges in a flash.
- That's his job as head fink.
- To report everything in his finkdom.
Lunch is N.
, huh? Only if taken internally.
- How do you feel? - Better.
You're a lucky boy, you know? If that bullet had gone half an inch the other way, you could've lost your leg.
- Good thing the guy that hit you wasn't that great a shot.
- Yeah.
The cold can really mess up a guy's aim, you know? The cold, anxiety, fear.
Y-You really know a lot about things, don't you? People? That comes from opening them up and peeking inside.
Back at the line, try not to let the same guy shoot you again.
- I think he's looking to hurt you.
- Right.
Also, we need the bed space for serious cases hemorrhoids, hangnails, like that.
I won't be back.
Come on.
Eat it.
It's good for you.
It'll put fur on your chest.
Thattaboy or girl.
- Or whatever.
- [Ringing.]
Oh, no, not again.
Colonel Blake's office.
The colonel's in conference but if it's important, I can wake him.
No, you can send that stuff through.
That's that Greek shipment we're expecting.
Come on.
Keep bringing it.
Back, back, back.
Okay, stop.
Stop! You numbskull! You almost ran over me! You understand that, you boob? Watch Frank blow Greece out of the U.
I want your name and serial number, Sergeant.
Savvy? Name-o, numero? Constantinos Kahtros.
[Reciting Serial Number In Greek.]
Playing Greek bingo, Frank? Mind your own beeswax.
Okay, in here.
Uh, this this way, uh, please.
Okay, uh Put 'em here-o, s'il vous plat.
Or I don't speak, uh Thank you.
Wow! - Shazam! - Would you look at that beauty stuff.
All this good food will make us sick.
Our bodies can't adjust that fast, after all the slop they've been feeding us.
We may have to go on two or three days of garbage withdrawal.
The last steak I ate I cut out of a magazine.
This stuff looks great, huh? If you'd studied at all, Radar, you'd know that the Greeks invented the Edible complex.
That's where a boy likes his mother's cooking better than eating out.
- Really? - [Bleating.]
Hey! That's a lamb! You bet your mint jelly.
What's he gonna do with that lamb? If I know our cook, he's gonna make pork chops out of it.
He isn't gonna kill it, is he? How's he gonna put the pants on the lamb chops if the legs keep moving? - Aren't you gonna stop him? - Not until the skin is roasted a crispy brown and there's a suggestion of pink inside.
Mmm! My neighbor would put a lamb on a rack over charcoal every Easter.
- Mmm! - And they'd turn it slowly on a spit for hours and then they would baste it with lots of lemon and tons of butter.
Hold it, hold it! My nostrils could be arrested for indecent exposure.
Attention, all personnel.
Our Greek allies have invited us to join them in their Easter celebration.
There will be music, dancing and a specially barbecued lamb.
That's tomorrow night, the mess tent 2200 hours.
And now, back to the Korean War because you asked for it.
Wild music, dancing barbecuing live animals? It's paganism, that's what it is.
It'll turn into a bacchanal.
- You think so, Frank? - I can see it, Colonel.
Wine pouring over supple bodies everyone engaged in debauchery and degradation.
Have to climb over me to do it.
Well, I'm certainly glad Major Houlihan's in Tokyo and not here to witness this.
I'm glad she's not here too, Frank.
This is just the first step.
Today it's a lamb.
Tomorrow you'll sacrifice a virgin.
In this camp? It's extremely difficult for me to serve under these conditions and to remain as decent as I am.
Let go, Frank.
Rotten up like the rest of us.
You leave me no choice but to register a formal complaint with Father Mulcahy about the looseness around here, the immorality! - Will that make you happy, Frank? - Yes! Then go.
Trouble is, Father Mulcahy does have a rather unfortunate tendency to forgive people.
Shh! Don't get scared.
I got a plan.
I'm your friend.
Come here.
Listen now.
Uh, I love lambs, see? I'm your buddy.
I mean, I don't love you like they love you with peas and carrots.
You don't know it, but they're having a party tomorrow night and the only reason why you're not invited is 'cause you're the main course.
Now, listen.
Now, you gotta trust me.
I'm crazy about animals.
You can ask 'em.
I've had dogs and hamsters and I got a 20-year-old turtle that I raised from a pup.
Now, see this? This won't hurt.
It's just to help you to sleep, real fast.
It's better than lying there counting people, right? Okay, now just turn around.
I gotta inject the, uh, rear of your behind.
Father Mulcahy? Good thing I don't need the last rites.
Father No.
Dear Father "Father, dear Father, come home with me now.
" [Giggling.]
Silly goose.
- [Sighs.]
- [Knocking.]
- Sir? - Hold on.
- Sir, there's something I want to get off my chest.
- Yes? I shot myself.
You what? In the leg, to get sent back, l I shot myself.
Why, you little scum, you.
Shooting yourself? You oughta be shot for that! - I thought you'd understand.
- You're talking to a patriot, buddy.
I worship the United States of America for which it stands and, unlike you, I'd do nothing to disgrace it for all the Communists in China! - You're not the padre.
- No, I'm not, senor.
Let's have your name and serial number.
Yeah, the Greek food arrived okay, Colonel, except for the olives.
For some reason they all turned black.
Oh! Well, anyway, we're mighty grateful for the goodies.
Our own food here leaves a lot to be desired.
- Oh, it fills you up, if you can keep it down.
- Thank you, sir.
Excuse me.
Hang on, Radar.
Uh, right, right.
Thanks again, Colonel.
And, uh, Abyssinia! What was all that I just signed? Uh, papers, sir.
What kind of papers were the papers? Uh, well, uh Uh, well, one paper was to complain that we haven't received the additional paper that we asked for a month ago when we sent in a paper paper, and like that.
- Like what that? - And you also signed an emergency leave - Oh.
- For one of the men.
Which one of the men? Uh, Private Charles Lamb.
- I don't remember any Charles Lamb.
- Oh, yes, you know him, sir.
- Short, curly-haired guy.
- Short, curly-haired? Yes, had to take an emergency leave.
- Death in the family? - Almost.
[Man On P.
SergeantJensen, please report to the dentist's tent.
Your uppers have been waiting a week.
The only problem is, I couldn't stop sneezing - on account of her angora sweater.
- [Laughing.]
- Henry's not here.
- Are you sure? - Sometimes when he's here I get that feeling.
- Why don't you leave the report.
- Where's Colonel Blake? - Henry's not in, Frank.
- But he is out.
- Can we help? Just fill this in.
"I Want Out ofThis Rotten, Stinking Army Because" in 25 dirty words or less.
- I happen to be here on very serious business.
- Oh, well.
Well, you're a very serious fellow.
We're thinking of chipping in to buy you a smile.
- Actually, you're just as much to blame.
- Right.
- Right what? - Whatever.
I'm so neurotic, anything you say, you got a good chance of striking guilt.
Well, you are just as much to blame.
You'll have to sit in the rear of the war.
- Are you going to deny he was your patient? - A little specificity, Frank.
I've had a few million patients since I got here.
Just last night I pasted a new liver in my scrapbook.
I'm talking about Private Chapman.
His wound was self-inflicted.
A first-year medical student would be able to detect that.
Then how did you find out? He told me.
- When? - Why? Not five minutes ago.
Because he thought I was a priest.
Slowly, Frank.
I was in Father Mulcahy's tent to register a complaint.
Get a little dirt on Saint Christopher, Frank? I was leaving the good father a note when this Chapman came in on his crutches.
- And you tripped him.
- Hold it.
So? So nothing.
He confessed the fact that he shot himself.
And now my duty's clear.
You get the rope, Frank.
We'll bring the tree.
Doing one's duty is not performing a lynching.
Frank, look.
A lot of kids have made the same mistake.
- Let him go back and straighten himself out.
- Nerts.
- Probably get ten years.
- Maybe 20.
- I don't think they'd give you that much, Frank.
- Me? For impersonating a priest.
- A priest? I never! - Frank.
You can fool some of the papal some of the time.
- It's a lie! - And you can count on us not to back you up.
- [Hawkeye.]
Very serious business, this.
- Posing as a priest.
They'll give you the electric pew.
One of these days.
Boy! Attention, all personnel.
Please contact Colonel Blake if anyone knows the whereabouts of tonight's entrée.
In the meantime, be on the lookout for a white Caucasian lamb.
He is reported to be unarmed and considered to be delicious.
- That is all.
- This whole place is off its rocker.
- What's up, Henry? - What happened to the lamb? Do I know? Do I know anything? Everything in this country disappears except me.
Boy, would I like to wake up some morning, look down and find myself gone.
You're babbling again, Henry.
Colonel Andropolis has the thing flown in all the way from Greece - and now the damn lamb's flown the coop.
- Now, that's a pretty neat trick.
The U.
Command in Seoul's called.
Boy, am I in Dutch with the Greeks.
- [Laughs.]
- The man's a fountain of straight lines.
Oh, go ahead, joke.
I'm in trouble up to my whatsis.
One more chewing out, and my belly button will cave in.
- Uh, sir? - Not now, Radar.
- Uh, it's about the lamb, Colonel.
- Where is it? [Clears Throat.]
Well, I don't want you to get in trouble, sir, but, uh, it's been set free.
Well, what horse's patoot did that? Um, you did, sir.
You gave him a medical discharge this afternoon.
Private Charles Lamb? - [Laughing.]
- Radar, you tricked me! I didn't want to see him killed, sir.
I'd rather be barbecued myself with an apple shoved up my face.
I gave a discharge to a sheep.
He's on his way to Tokyo now.
On Bo-Peep Airlines.
A buddy of mine will reroute him to Iowa, to my folks.
I've already radioed 'em.
They're expecting him.
- He could sleep in your room.
- Your pants'll just fit him.
I may be losing my mind.
- Don't fight it, Henry.
- I've got Command on my tail and a hospital full of Greeks waiting for a lamb who's sitting on a plane on his way to Iowa to become Radar's little brother! Henry, you get everybody in the mess tent.
Start pumping ouzo into 'em.
- Trapper and I will supply you with a lamb.
- How are you gonna do that? - Tell him, Trap.
- You tell him, then we'll both know.
[Men Shouting In Greek.]
[Shouting Continues.]
[Shouting Continues.]
- Hey! - Pardon me! What the hell is that? A Spam lamb! Come on, kid.
Join the party.
See what a celebration of life is really like.
- I feel out of place.
- Hey, look.
You're old enough to fight, you're old enough to dance.
[Shouting Continues.]
- [Greek.]
- [Hooting.]
[Indistinct Chatter.]
- [Man.]
Ouzo! - [Laughter.]
Hey! Hey! [Man.]
Hey! Hey! Good evening, Father.
You son of a gun, you.
- Hey! - [Man Shouting In Greek.]
##[Whistling, Ukulele Playing.]

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