M*A*S*H (MASH) s04e09 Episode Script

G513 - Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler

[Man On P.
Attention, all personnel.
Incoming wounded in the compound.
First surgical team, report to the bus.
First surgical team.
Let's go! Let's go! Gangway.
Hot stuff comin'through! Dennis, give us a hand.
Keep track of the blankets.
- Margaret, prep him, and hang another unit of plasma.
- Yes, Doctor.
- Same here, Major.
I want chest X rays.
- These two in pre-op right away.
- Kellye, gimme a hand.
- Who lost a rabbit's foot? - Looks like they all did.
- Why don't you finish triage.
I'm gonna go and scrub up.
- Right.
- Think you'd better start with that one there first.
Okay? - Okay.
- All right, you can walk.
Watch it.
Watch it.
- Watch it.
Stand up easy.
Klinger! - Sir? Get him into X ray.
Watch your head.
Tell Major Burns he's invited to surgery.
Captain, what what's your name, please? [Airplanes Passing Overhead.]
- Well, come on.
Snap it up! - Sorry, sir.
- I haven't got all day.
- Doing a little moonlighting, Frank? He's got another malpractice on the side.
- Big load come in? - Three waiting, Father.
- I'll get into some gear.
- Don't stand next to Frank, Father.
- He'll cut right through your beads.
- You're as funny as a crutch.
- Sir? - How many times have I told you to knock? - Sir, look at this.
- Picking an easy one, Frank? - Ha, ha.
- That the captain who was on the bus? - Yeah.
- Terrific.
You really made my day, Radar.
Better look sharp, Father.
We got a friend of yours in surgery.
Huh? Well, what'd he mean by that, Radar? Father, we got a guy that says he's Jesus Christ.
Some people just don't belong in combat.
I'm trying to love it, Frank.
Honest, I am.
- Well, what about the fellow's dog tags? - He didn't have any.
I asked him what his name was, and he said, "I'm Jesus Christ.
" Just like that.
Not even Captain Christ.
My word.
You know what really irks me about this war, Beej? No idea.
The lack of genuine spontaneity.
Every day it's the same old grind.
You wake up, brush your teeth, walk the dog, operate on the Lord.
Oh, that's downright blasphemous! That's from a man who polishes his socks for inspection.
- Pay him no mind, Major.
He envies you your sanity.
- True, Frank.
Next to your lisp, that's what I envy most about you.
Boy, you really are a sicko.
Just 'cause I spend most of my waking hours fixing up small wounds so they can go back and get bigger and better wounds, you think I'm mental? Ausgespielt? Bughouse? Teched? Milky in the filbert? Of course I am.
Wouldn't you be, Lieutenant Nightingale? It goes against my training to say take two aspirin and go get yourself killed.
What would Hippocrates say? What would Socrates say? And what would you say if I asked you to go into the linen closet for heavy breathing? - Are you gonna knock it off? - That's what I'm trying to find out, Frank.
Disgusting! [Sighs.]
Oh, Lord.
Sorry, I wasn't talking to you.
- Lieutenant.
- Doctor.
- She's crazy about me.
- She hides it well.
- We don't want anybody to know.
- Good work.
What is it you find so fascinating about ladies in olive drab? Mother was frightened by a recruiting poster.
- What are you up to, you swarthy minx? - Bedpan duty.
- Good training.
- After the war, you can open your own pay toilet.
Keep it up, Doc.
With my luck, you'll get my Section Eight.
- Good morning, sir.
- [Chuckles.]
- How you doin'? - Fine.
How are you? - Oh, fine.
- Oh, uh, we're doctors.
Apparently you lost your dog tags, so, uh we have to get some information from you for our records.
You know the army the old green machine.
We need your rank, your serial number, your, uh, unit - Your name.
- Yeah.
That'd be a good place to start.
- My name.
- [B.
My name is Jesus Christ.
Oh, that's funny.
We have a savior by that name.
A little witticism that was just condemned to purgatory.
Uh, no foolin'.
We need a name.
Of course.
Jesus Christ.
J-E-S-U - We've got that.
- Uh, that much we know.
Uh Your head wound is very superficial.
It's It's hardly more than a scratch.
If you wanna have a go at bugging out of the army, that's fine.
I just think you should use a fresher approach.
What can I do to convince you? A miracle would definitely be a step in the right direction.
Maybe a few steps.
Say, upon the water.
You two ought to get acquainted.
Better acquainted, he means.
Uh, Father Mulcahy, Jesus Christ.
- Hello, my son.
- Hello, Father.
Well Here we are.
Just what do you intend doing about it, Colonel Potter? It's an outrage.
Something has to be done about this person calling himself Christ! - Why? - Why? - Did you say "Why?" - It wasn't him.
It must've been me.
Oh, come off it, Major.
Who's this fella hurting? - He should be court-martialed for cowardice! - And blasphemy! - And blasphemy and cowardice.
- And cowardice! The effrontery of the man! A mere captain claiming to be him.
But I don't see how that pertains.
If a man says he's Christ he might just become a better Christian.
I mean, if I had a horse who was convinced he was Man O' War I don't know that I'd want to set him straight if you get my drift.
Colonel, we're speaking of our savior.
- We want to be sure - That certain parties Don't help that yellow-backed hoodwink the U.
Army - in which I, for one, so proudly serve! - We so.
- You're referring to - Pierce and Hunnicutt.
- Is who he's referring to.
Oh, you've hated them since they stuck a turtle in your shorts.
Well, this has nothing to do with that.
What is it you think they're planning to do? Well, who knows? All these bleeding-heart liberals are the same! Let a man claim to be an underdog and they will do anything they can for him.
You regard Jesus Christ as an underdog? - Well, he didn't exactly run roughshod over the Greeks.
- Romans.
Or them either.
I'm telling you, those two hotshots will do anything they can to give the red, white and blue a black eye.
Horse hockey.
Pardon my French.
As long as I'm in charge around here which will be another seventeen months, two weeks, six days there will be no shenanigans.
I do not approve of carrying tales.
Evidence is one thing.
Innuendo is another! If evidence is what you want, Colonel, evidence is what you'll get.
Are you with me, Major? - Right up to the hilt.
- Sir.
- I'm sure glad you could make it on such short notice, sir.
- We certainly are.
You call this short? I've been outside the camp for over an hour - waiting for the cloak of darkness.
- Gee.
Just like The Shadow.
You're some guy, Colonel Flagg.
Yes, I am.
It's not necessary for me to tell you we appreciate your contacting us.
We're not in the gratitude business.
It's the duty of every real American to be on the lookout for goldbricks, pinkos and fellow travelers.
Of course, without the likes of Americans like you the jobs of Americans like me would be a lot more difficult.
But don't get me wrong, Americans like me like difficult jobs.
So don't get the idea you're doing the C.
Any favors.
We don't really need Americans like you.
We don't need anybody.
- You said it! - What do you make of this mystery man who claims to be Christ, Colonel? Just your typical Joe trying to get out of doing his duty? I bet commie.
I say his parents weren't even born in this country.
- Korea? - No, I meant our country.
You know.
Well, you can put a lid on this guessing game.
As it happens, I know who our friend with the messiah complex really is.
Oh, I knew you'd get to the bottom of this.
All it takes is the right man with a shovel who knows where to dig.
- I couldn't ask for a better man.
- Or a bigger shovel.
[Cart Rattling.]
Uh, sir.
Here's orange juice.
Thank you.
I brought you two.
Thank you.
I'll be grateful to you, Colonel, if you can clear this matter up.
Without taking hostages, if possible.
Colonel Flagg's over here to keep us all safe from democracy.
- Can it, Pierce.
- Still a cutie pie, ain't ya.
Well, some guys have got it.
Colonel, I've got your man's complete dossier right here.
Name's Chandler, Arnold T.
He's a bombardier with the 428th Bomber Squadron.
His plane was shot down four days ago, at which time he received his alleged wounds.
I told you they were alleged wounds.
That's why I gave him all that alleged plasma.
You're lucky I got a sense of humor.
Well, what sort of military record does this Chandler have? - It's inconsequential.
- How many missions did he fly? - Fifty-seven.
- Sounds consequential to me.
Sounds like fatigue, Colonel.
His psychological tests don't show any susceptibility to battle psychosis.
Maybe his psychological tests didn't have to fly 57 missions.
Chandler's turned chicken.
It's my job to cut him off at the pass.
You're gonna cut a chicken off at the pass? I've got to nip this rotten apple in the bud.
This sort of action's contagious.
One man decides he's not gonna fight, it catches on.
Next thing, you know what you got on your hands? Peace? I either want Chandler's highly trained thumb up there, pushing the button or I want to get him for dereliction of duty.
Why don't we just remove his thumb and send that over to the 428th? - Colonel.
- Colonel? When can I have him? Give me a medical decision now.
The last C.
They had here couldn't make a decision without a month's warning.
I'm not fond of personal abuse, Colonel.
I was in this man's army when the only thumb you cared about was the one you had in your mouth.
Chandler will be able to return to action couple of days.
But it takes more than four sound legs to make a stallion run.
Takes a sound heart and a sound mind.
It also takes a rider who's not afraid to go to the whip.
Wait a second.
Just a minute.
None of us, least of all this khaki Godzilla qualifies as an expert on emotional stability.
I suggest we have Captain Chandler examined by a top psychiatrist somebody who knows his way around the old attic.
- Got anyone in mind? - Sidney Freedman.
Major Sidney Freedman.
- Good man? - Sidney could've talked Oedipus into leaving home.
- Get him.
- Got him.
- Good.
- Freedman.
Is that "E-l" or "l-E"? Two E's, as in "freedom.
" That's what got you confused.
- Major Freedman.
- Yeah? Colonel Flagg.
We played poker once.
Oh, sure.
With Intelligence, right? I have nothing to do with Intelligence.
- Better you won't get worry lines.
- Freedman.
How'd you like to do yourself a favor? Who deserves one more? Then back me all the way on this Chandler caper.
He's trying to pull a fast one.
I won't have it.
From what I hear, the man needs help.
My kind of help.
You just let one of those creeps get away with a phony messiah complex and before you can say "John the Baptist," we'll be hip deep in sackcloth and ashes.
- We're not gonna let that happen, are we? - We're not? Well, we'll see.
Then we'll know.
Part of order, Dr.
Freedman, Sidney Theodore, we won't see.
As it happens, I know who you are.
Is that right? Am I who I think I am? I've been doing a little digging, Dr.
Freedman with two E's.
Your association with certain groups on the attorney general's list of subversive organizations.
"Young Americans for a Lasting Peace "New York Alliance for Young Democrats Doctors' Progressive Conference.
" You're forgetting the Boy Scouts and the psychiatrists' bowling league.
Hold it.
- What do you want? - I've got work to do, sir.
- Well, let's see how fast you can do it! - Watch this.
Boy Scouts.
That's funny, Freedman.
Almost as funny as the fact that you never signed your loyalty oath.
You know you can get busted out of the service for that, don't you, Comrade Freedman? Oh, is that what I am? - Why didn't you sign it? - Just between the two of us and whatever mike I might be talking into do you really believe if I were a Communist I'd hesitate for a second to sign a loyalty oath? I'd like to go on talking to you, Flagg but with your schizophrenia, I'd have to charge you double time.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've already kept Jesus waiting five minutes.
#The more I see you # #The more I want you La- dee- dee- dah- dah # - You! - What! - This is the army, soldier! - I get that feeling too.
- Hey! - What? The next time I see you, Tinker Bell, you'd better be in uniform and as G.
As General MacArthur you hear me? Loud and clear, Mary.
#With every sigh I'm more mad about you ## Radar tells us Flagg's giving you a hard time.
- He's got a few bugs in his filter.
- What else is new? Well, the Canadians just took Hill 807.
The marines landed on Inchon.
But the big news is my son's got his first tooth.
Another proud father.
- Nice.
- Nice.
He's not gonna be an analyst.
He's gonna look people in the eye.
- Uh, 130 over 70.
- Where's my patient? Come to see your savior? Mine? No.
Yours? - Who knows? - You tell us.
- Where is he? - Over there.
You don't recognize him from his picture? So what you're saying is that Judas only did what he had to do.
- Being Judas, he could do nothing else.
- Ah! But if that is so Come, come! You boys promised to mingle, and here you are off in the corner, talking shop.
- Hello, Sidney.
- Father.
Captain Chandler, Major Freedman.
- I'm glad to meet you.
- We haven't yet.
My name's Jesus Christ.
Sidney, we won't wait up.
Jesus Christ.
- Yes.
- Your presence poses some interesting questions.
How long have you known your true identity? What do you mean? Until about five days ago you were Arnold Chandler.
Now, Arnold Chandler was born in Idaho was raised on the family sheep ranch went to college in Colorado enlisted in the army, went to O.
S trained as a bombardier, went on over 50 missions and earned most of the medals and commendations that are available.
I'm not Captain Chandler.
You're not from Idaho? - You're not in the army? - Of course not.
You're not a bombardier? I'm Christ, the Lord.
- But you died.
- I arose.
That was a long time ago.
Where have you been since then? I live on in all men.
What are you doing here in an army hospital? I'm Christ.
Where should I be? Should you be in the nose of a B-29? - B-29? - That's where you've been a good part of the past two years up in a B-29, dropping bombs.
- On people? - On the enemy.
I have no enemies.
I love all men.
Even the North Koreans? They're my children.
Why would I hurt my children? I'm sorry.
I'm not this Captain Chandler you're looking for, but I hope you can find him.
I hope you can help him.
Tell me, is it true that God answers all prayers? Yes.
Sometimes the answer is no.
- [Knuckles Cracking.]
- Frank, do you have to do that? - Do what? - Crack your knuckles.
All the Burns's men crack their knuckles.
Oh! Sorry.
I didn't realize I was treading on sacred tradition.
Oh, you two sass boxes think you're so smart! You just wait and see what happens to your friend Chandler - when the spit hits the Spam.
- Gospel according to Frank.
Frank, scrape the rust off your imagination.
What if the captain is really who he says he is? No chance.
I tested him.
Said a little prayer to him before.
No big deal.
Just a little test.
- Just in case.
- Just to be on the safe side.
And my prayer wasn't answered.
Stick that in your hair and rub it.
Frank, just because you didn't get any chocolate pudding at lunch doesn't prove anything.
How did you know I prayed for chocolate pudding? You always pray for chocolate pudding.
You know, if you're not careful, Frank, you're gonna replace Pontius Pilate in the hearts of your fellow men.
You'll be famous.
Your name will be spread all over the newest testament.
Of course, no one'll ever call their kid Frank again.
How many two-year-old Pontius Pilates do you meet? Oh, I'm washing my hands of the two of you.
Get it? Washing my hands? [Laughs.]
Well, Dr.
Freedman, what's the diagnosis? He's Christ.
If you look closely, you may notice I'm not laughing.
He's not Christ.
But he's also not Chandler.
Psychoanalytical double-talk.
- The man's a victim.
- He's bucking for a ticket stateside! All we gotta do is stuff the guts back in him.
Frank builds the cross, and he's the nail salesman.
You're a victim too, Flagg.
But you're such an unbelievable example of walking fertilizer it's hard for me to care.
Colonel, some men lose an arm or a hand or a leg.
Chandler lost himself.
He's not playing a game.
He spent two years dropping bombs on people who never did anything to him until finally something inside this kid from Idaho said "Enough.
You're Christ.
You're not a killer.
The next bomb you drop, you drop on yourself.
" What do you suggest, Doctor? I think that with a lot of the right kind of help we may be able to turn him back into Arnold Chandler.
We'll never be able to turn him back into a fighting tool.
And it's my professional advice that we don't try.
I gave you a chance to play ball.
Now I'm blowin' the whistle on you, Freedman.
- Blow away.
- Colonel Potter, this man this American, never signed his officer's loyalty oath.
And I intend to see that he's thrown out of the service.
Very smart, Sidney! - Terrific! - I wish I'd thought of that.
- Where do we go to not sign? - You crafty devil.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
- You are very smart, Freedman.
- I told you.
You're only saying Chandler flipped out so I will have you busted and you can return to your safe, cozy civilian practice.
- He's onto you, Sid.
- You're not smart, Freedman.
You're dumb.
Very dumb! But you've met your match in me.
- [Laughs.]
- Now, Chandler may get out as a psycho.
He's small potatoes.
The army can teach my mother how to drop bombs.
- Your mother? - "Whistler's Bombardier.
" But you, Major, are here to stay.
Right here, shrink.
Where we can make sure you remain loyal to the country that's gonna hound your every step.
- [Gasps.]
- Keep up the good work.
- Thanks, fellas.
- A little locoweed must've gotten mixed in with his feed.
- He always carry on like that? - I think he's been sniffing his invisible ink.
He's what Freud used to call "spooky.
" On the other hand, if Flagg wasn't mean, rotten and crazy - he wouldn't have any personality at all.
- [Laughs.]
[Man On P.
Attention, all personnel.
The evacuation bus is now boarding outside post-op.
It leaves in five minutes.
Sir, uh, my name is Radar O'Reilly.
Remember, I brought you juice? I remember.
Um, sir, are you really who I mean Are you really him? Yes.
Well, I know you're busy and everything but I was wondering, could you bless this for me, please? - The bag? - No.
What's inside.
I know he's not real, but we're very close.
Bless you.
And bless you, Radar.
Um, I'm Walter.
Bless you, Walter.
Thank you, sir.
Bless all of you.
- Kansas.
- Very good.
- Uh, that's "S.
" - No kidding.
- Uh, Saratoga.
- No, you did that already.
Uh, Saint Croix.
You owe me an "X.
" Uh, "X""X" - Ha! Is that it? You ready? - Whatever.
- Xicotencatl.
- Xicot What's that? - It's Mexico.
It's in the book.
Look it up.
- Ah, I believe ya.
- All right, "L.
" - Los Angeles.
- There's no such place.
- What? Listen, I've been to Los Angeles, and there's no such place.
Los Angeles is a city.
You owe me an "S.
" [Laughs.]
Sir, can you get Dr.
Freedman back here, the psychiatrist? - On what grounds? - I'm Moses.
Right? Freedman's in Tokyo, Klinger.
You take the first left in the road, and then you part the Sea of Japan.
- Oh, ye of little faith.
- That's Matthew.
Maybe I'm him then.
I'll be anyone to get out.
Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy! Bashful, Dopey, Happy!
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