M*A*S*H (MASH) s04e11 Episode Script

G503 - Of Moose and Men

[Jeep Engine Racing.]
- [Frank.]
Slow it down, Pierce.
! - Yes, Frank.
- Come on, watch it! - Yes, dear.
- Hey, stop! - What? Stop here.
- Are you crazy, Frank? - I wanna get a shot of this.
- [Gunshots.]
- So do they! Get in! [Gunshots Continue.]
Letting her go without a search, Sergeant? - Mind your branch of the service.
- That's perfect camouflage for a bomb.
A bomb? The woman's obviously eight-months gone with a Sherman tank.
- Enemy infiltration's everywhere, chum.
And it's not funny.
- [Horn Honking.]
[Honking Continues.]
- [Hawkeye.]
Sorry, Colonel.
- You idiot.
- I said I was sorry.
- Sorry don't feed the bulldog! You want me to launder it? I know a great little rock down by the stream.
- Who is this man, Major? - Captain Pierce, sir.
Personally, I'm Major Burns.
We're surgeons with the 4077.
You don't care a hoot about military courtesy, do you? All you doctors care about is medicine.
I don't sir.
I mean, I'm different.
You operate the same way you drive? With your eyes closed? Colonel, yesterday a Korean bus hit a mine a couple of miles up the road.
We spent the entire night sewing I'm sleepy, I'm hungry, I'm tired and I'm sorry about your uniform.
If you send me your size, I'll knit you a new one.
How goes it, Zale? Terrific.
If it was goin' any better, I'd kill myself.
Sergeant, you can't drink this early in the morning.
I know.
I keep trying.
What is it? Or do you mind telling me? I don't mind telling you.
It's bourbon.
You want some? I had just enough bourbon last night.
Unfortunately, I had just enough gin as well.
- Letter.
- [Explosion.]
Sounds like the truce talks are going well.
Nine years we were married.
The woman's body was sacred to me.
Lying next to her was like being in church.
- I had no idea you were so religious.
- Read this.
I've read those letters.
"Funny thing happened, dear.
One of your suits came back from the cleaners with somebody else in it.
" Right? I'll read it.
- It says here she's sorry.
She loves you.
- Yeah, sorry.
Loves me, loves me.
Has an affair with the joker next door and she wants me to forgive her.
- She says it's you she wants, not him.
- I'll never get her back.
He'll keep her in the closet with the power drill he never returned.
One married man to another.
The woman that wrote that deserves another chance.
Yeah, I'll give her another chance.
I'll stick a grenade in her girdle.
A little understanding, huh? She may have done it for you.
To get your power drill back.
Zale, scream, cry, yodel, anything.
But don't hit.
Don't You hit.
Congratulations, Sergeant.
You just turned your right hand into a maraca.
After I set it, you can sit in with the relief band.
- How come I don't feel no pain? - It's swimming upstream against the bourbon.
Corpsman! Let's go! I need some bodies here! We got two for pre-op.
I need some whole blood and some sedation.
I give the orders here, Captain.
Let's get him into pre-op.
- We need whole blood and sedation.
- I wish I'd said that.
- What have we got? - Grenade fragments.
Checkpoint just down the road.
- We almost bought it ourselves, sir.
- Oh, we did not.
This one's an enemy infiltrator.
Be careful.
He could be rigged.
His shorts could go off any second.
Listen, bub, I almost got killed out there.
All right, Major.
Don't get your clusters in an uproar.
- Move 'em.
- Put me down.
That's an order.
What's the problem, Colonel? I demand transportation to the 121 st Evac Hospital.
This is where you want your surgery.
You're at the best MASH unit in Korea.
Give or take a few thumbs.
- I don't want that man touching me.
- We met.
- He outdid himself in rudeness.
- Thanks, Frank.
Get started on the Korean.
Someone got a sedative for this man? - Yes, sir.
- Why do I have to work on the Korean? I mean, he always gets the cowboys and I'm stuck with the Indians.
I'm one-fourth Cherokee.
- What are you doing back there? - Stealing a smoke.
- Just lower his pants.
- I'll have your butt for this.
Seems only fair.
He'd sink to the bottom of the pool with that in him.
- I hear ticking.
- Did you check his navel for a time bomb, Frank? Don't think I didn't, fella.
Ah, give me a knife.
- What are you doing? - Extending the incision.
Have a large rib retractor ready.
After I retract the lung, you'll see why.
Shrapnel in the heart muscle.
A simple rearrangement of God's handiwork by explosives.
- Pipe down, will ya? - He's dying as quietly as he can, Frank.
- Suction here.
- Can't trust any of these people.
- More here.
- Treacherous, deceitful.
- Pickups with teeth.
- And clever, boy.
They don't all look alike by accident.
Very good.
Six-year-old cuts into a box of Cracker Jacks to find the prize.
And the next thing he knows, he's a surgeon.
A crackerjack surgeon.
Nice of you to write this letter for me, Captain.
I plaster hands and cement relations.
Dear who? Hillda.
That's with two "L's.
" Captain Hunnicutt, one of the docs here, is writin' this letter for me.
Slow down.
My dictation cost me my last eight jobs.
Because my right hand is out of action.
- Better? - Go on.
Where do I take it from there? War is a time of loneliness and deprivation for a soldier - I like that.
- And for the wife he leaves behind.
But I see you kicked the loneliness habit and you ain't been so deprived either.
Try again.
When I read your letter, naturally I was hurt.
- To the quick.
- Yeah, there too.
Nine years I gave that woman love, trust and devotion! And how does she pay me back? She cheats on me! - Easy! The class theme is forgiveness.
- Forgive her? Forget it.
I made that woman a queen.
Whatever she wanted! Hi-fi, a beaver coat, her own bowling shoes.
I sent her brother through college.
I paid for every tooth in her mother's head.
You're clearly a humanitarian.
One more humane act.
- Humane? I'll show you humane.
- Don't! The right hand got away with it, the left one goes to the stockade.
Where was I? Try this.
You're a beautiful woman, Hillda, and a lovely wife.
- And I very much want to spare you any more pain.
- I don't know about that.
[Man Over P.
Attention, Captain Hunnicutt.
Please report to the hospital.
Major Burns probably taped himself to a patient again.
We'll finish later.
Yeah, right.
Whatever she wanted! Charm bracelet, steam iron plastic wedgies.
Oooh, Charlie tastes good! - Everyone here, Corporal? - All presently accounted for, sir.
Who's this one? - [Radar.]
This is Mr.
Park, the peddler, sir.
- Oh, yes.
! You can get anything from Mr.
Park, including a bullet in the head.
- Confiscate this weapon.
- That's not a weapon, sir.
It's a lighter.
Interesting, most interesting.
This is Kim, the houseboy, sir.
Kim is very good at repairing electric shavers and things.
Uh-huh, and wiring a stick or two of dynamite together, eh, Kim? Blow up a few white devils? Uh, this is Mrs.
She does the laundry for the nurses.
Are you aware, Corporal, that you can shave a bar of soap turn it into powder, set a detonator inside, and pow it'll explode? Sure kill the laundry, wouldn't it? - This is Charlie, her son.
- [Frank.]
That's an innocent-looking child.
- He's six years old.
- That's what they all say.
That size, yeah.
That juvenile appearance.
Be perfect cover for who knows what.
- Major! - And what's this, huh? It's a sandwich.
It may look like a sandwich, but you open it and it's Ham.
No eating in the ranks.
- From now on, camp security will be tight as a drum.
- Yes.
No more door-to-door peddling.
No more come and go as you "likee.
" Every morning you all see the guard for a pass.
You will keep your soap visible and in bar form and exit the area no later than 1:00 p.
And you, no more freeloadin' in the mess tent.
You savvy? - Will that be all, sir? - Just about, Corporal.
- [Loud Banging.]
- Hit the deck! Just a baseball, sir.
Must have gotten away from somebody.
- It might've been one of theirs.
- I don't think they play baseball.
Here you go, Lieutenant.
- [Lieutenant.]
Thanks, Radar.
- Yo.
- Shall I dismiss the locals now, sir? - Yeah, I guess.
- He wants ten bucks for the lighter.
- I'll take it.
- But I'll only give him five.
- Seven-fifty.
- Seven-fifty? - It's his country.
- Six and not a penny more.
- I can't say six in Korean.
- Say five and 100 pennies.
- Six and 100 pennies.
- Done.
- Seven bucks.
- Huh? - Oh, I woke you.
I'm sorry.
No, no, let's try it again tomorrow at my place.
- Have you been here all night? - Every c.
Of it.
Lieutenant Snyder wasn't on duty to do her nails.
She's a nurse.
No offense.
He needed a doctor, not a nurse.
Twice his chest tubes plugged up on him.
If I wasn't here, he'd have been busted down to cadaver.
- How's he doing? - Fine.
Respiration's normal, and no blood through the tube.
- Then he'll live.
- I've been trying to break it to you as gently as possible.
Couple of months, he'll be out checking natives under the armpits again.
There's only one reason this man didn't die.
Didn't cut him his orders.
- I've never seen you work better.
- Somebody tell him.
Somebody will, I'm sure.
In the meantime, I'd like to congratulate you myself, Doctor.
I'm honored, touched and aroused.
Why must you always spoil things? I'll kiss whatever you like and make it better.
How 'bout you? A bomb! They're burying a bomb! - He's just come out of it, sir.
- Good.
Well, you're gonna be all right, Colonel.
The worst is over.
- Colonel.
- Yes? That officer, Pierce.
An oddball.
Must make an example of him.
He already is a fine example of an oddball officer.
The best.
Has no respect for the uniform.
Well, he's never in it anyway.
No respect for authority.
- No respect for the war.
- Whoa, Colonel.
I demand disciplinary action against him.
If you don't take it, I will.
You? You're only a bunch of tubes running in and out.
You have to go to the latrine by remote control.
You're a sick man.
You'd be napping at the morgue if it wasn't for Pierce working on you.
Hmm? He operated? Not you? Lucky for you, yes.
But the last thing I said Would've been the last.
If Pierce wasn't your surgeon, you'd be a bag of cold cuts.
Jumpin'jodhpurs, man.
! I'm regular army too.
Hash marks down to the ground.
I started in the cavalry.
Learned to look at life from the top of a horse.
Sometimes I feel I'm still on a horse, only I'm looking down at a horse's I'm not criticizing your command, Colonel.
It's that that goof-off.
That goof-off saved your can! You're alive and kicking, kicking like an army mule because of that man's skill and dedication as a surgeon.
Sufferin' saddle soap! You owe your life to that man! [Radar Laughing.]
It's a miss.
! Yeah.
Okay, ready for my shot? Okay, G-3.
- We're playing Battleship.
- Not getting enough war around here? [Squeals.]
I did it! I won! I sunk a carrier! Imagine, a carrier! - Round of drinks for the bridge.
- Sparky, I gotta go now.
Over and out.
Boy, I never won before.
This is terrific.
- Congratulations, Admiral.
- Aw, thanks.
- Have you seen Sergeant Zale? - Yeah, I tied his shoelaces for him about 20 minutes ago.
- Where was that? - In front of his tent.
- He's not out in front of his tent, nor is he inside.
- Did you try the officers' club? Yeah.
They untied his shoelaces last night.
He hasn't been back since.
- I don't know then.
- If he shows up, tie both his shoes together and call me.
- I finished his letter.
- Okay.
You like your ice cream all mushy? Mushier the better.
You like Chinese food? Like to walk in the rain? - Yes, sir.
- You could've been my wife.
Yes, sir.
- Sir? He might be with his moose.
- Again, Radar? I said, Sergeant Zale might be with his moose.
The sergeant has a moose? Sir, a moose is a Korean girlfriend of the opposite sex.
This one's hut is down the road by the bend near where we bury the arms and legs.
- How's the colonel? - Stable.
- Respiration okay? - Fine.
- Temperature? B.
? Pulse? - All normal.
They sure don't write emergencies the way they used to.
It wasn't an emergency.
He was just anxious to see you.
- Any idea why? - To thank you? Colonel.
Captain Pierce.
I just had a talk with your C.
About you.
My stethoscope was burning.
Said you did a bang-up job on me.
- Thank you, Colonel.
- Thank him.
He's the one that said it.
Well, don't you have anything you want to say about my bang-up job? I'm not your commanding officer.
I just thought that, considering you came in here in more pieces than a Tinkertoy and considering I busted my butter knife to put all those pieces back together again you just might want to say "thank you" too.
I'm an artillery officer, Pierce.
I've bombed the hell out of targets you couldn't see if you stood on top of'em.
And nobody ever thanked me.
Colonel, just exactly what did you want to see me about? Your C.
, he's a good man.
I've got a lot of respect for him.
As a personal favor to him I'm not gonna lower the boom on you.
- You're not - Although God knows I should.
And that hat and robe, no shave.
You're a disgrace to your commission.
Nevertheless, you're not gonna lower the boom.
I'm lettin' you off the hook.
Letting me off the hook! - This time.
- Yeah.
And next time, watch it.
Colonel Spiker, sir I don't know how to thank you for this.
- Mmm, Captain Pierce? - Yes, sir? Forget it.
Forget it? He told me to forget it! Another bottle here.
Put it on my tab.
Bless you, sir, bless you.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Good morning, ma'am.
Can I interest you in a year's subscription to Shack and Garden? Thank you.
- Hey, Doc! Come on in.
- Very nice.
Right cozy.
Uh, have a couple of eggs? Fresh off the lawn.
Eggs Benedict Arnold, right? Nourishing, but treacherous.
- Eggs what? - No, thanks.
- Uh, some coffee then? - Had my fill at the mess tent.
You remember the mess tent, don't you, Sergeant? We met there yesterday while you were drinking some antifreeze.
Her name is Sooky.
How do you do, Sooky? She don't understand a word of English.
- Who is your interpreter? - Don't need none.
She practically reads my mind.
I wasn't thinking that.
So, you bagged yourself a moose.
Well, uh, you Yeah.
Need a hunting permit? Or just rewrite your marriage license? Who knows when we could be knocked off, Doc.
You know, we're three miles from the front.
That's pretty close to the action.
Some of us are a little closer to the action than others.
I don't make up the rules.
I mean, I'm a man, you know? It's not the same with a man.
- Carry your own double standard into battle, Zale.
- What's this? I took the liberty of finishing your letter to Mrs.
Zale, East.
All it needs is your John Hancock, or Syngman Rhee, if you like.
Pretty understanding, ain't I? Yeah, well, you're just that kind of guy.
"To wrap it up, honey: 'To err is human, to forgive divine.
"' Or as in your case, the other way around.
Give me your pen.
- What are you doing, Frank? - You're gonna have to move.
I'm not moving.
I called ahead six months ago for this field.
- Go play someplace else.
- I'm warning you.
You could be in danger.
No, Frank, you could be in danger.
I'm very tired, Frank.
You know how cranky I get when I haven't had my nap.
Listen, you could be sitting on the biggest bomb in Korea! Frank, I think it's only fair to warn you that my falcon will be here in 30 seconds.
It's over here, Private.
This way.
- What's Frank up to? - I think he's vacuuming Korea.
Eisenhower's coming.
He wants everything just so.
- Can I help? - I saw two natives burying a bomb out here.
Obviously to destroy the whole installation.
- Frank, you're paranoid.
- I am not.
- When did you see it? - When I was checking my toothpaste for explosives.
You were checking your toothpaste for explosives, Gracie? - Sir, here.
Fresh earth.
- What? I saw that! It was with Paul Muni and Luise Rainer.
Dig, Private.
Dig, dig, dig, dig! Back, everybody, back.
- That's far enough.
- I think I've hit something, sir.
Well, lift it out very carefully.
Paranoid, huh? [Laughs.]
- What smells? - Frank's bomb.
Don't! It's a kimchi pot, Frank.
Kimchi! Pickled cabbage.
They ferment it in the ground.
There are millions of these buried all over Korea.
I'd get title to this land, Major, before word gets out.
- Huh? - Don't you understand, man? You've struck cole slaw.
Let's hear it for the major, folks.
Isn't he great? He'll be back, folks just after he changes for the 11:00 bomb.
## [Radio.]
Hard day at the office? I put a colonel back together.
I used the spare parts of two majors.
Good thinking.
- You? - Nothing today.
Set Sergeant Zale's hand yesterday.
Got a "Dear John" from his wife, and tried to go ten rounds with the mess tent stove.
Un, deux, trois.
What? What? What? Fastest lighter in the West.

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