M*A*S*H (MASH) s04e21 Episode Script

G508 - Smilin' Jack

Lookout Two, we're approaching Hill 347.
[Man On Radio.]
We read you, Lookout Two.
- Adjust coordinates to 814.
- [Missile Whistling.]
[Machine Guns Firing.]
[Missile Whistling.]
[Man On Radio.]
Lookout Two, we are adjusting.
Come in, Lookout Two.
This is Lookout Two.
We've been hit.
We're taking fire.
[Man #2 On Radio.]
We read you.
Corpsmen will respond.
Battalion Aid Station 12 calling MASH 4077.
MASH 4077.
Come in, Radar.
[Radar On Radio.]
Radar here, Bernie.
What've you got? [Bernie.]
They're hitting this side of 347.
We've got wounded starting to roll in.
Get the choppers off their pads.
Got one on the way, Bernie.
On the way.
Clear! [Man On P.
! Attention.
! All medical personnel report to stations.
Incoming wounded.
One team to the chopper pad.
One team to the chopper pad.
- How is he, Hawk? - After a trip with you? He may survive.
Are you kidding? He went first class! In that case, his luggage is probably in Cleveland.
Let's go.
- Sponge.
- Sponge.
Oh, thank you.
- You're very good, my dear.
Where'd you train? - Bellevue, Doctor.
Lovely place, Bellevue.
I had an uncle who spent some time there.
Not a doctor, I'm afraid.
They caught him in the subway wearing mirrors on top of his shoes.
Can we get on with the operation and can the bugle oil? It's very simple, Frank.
A lacerated artery adjacent to the lower femur.
- That's above the knee.
- Wise apple! Do you want to finish for me, Frank? It's an easy operation.
You can do it with your eyes closed.
Maybe you'd like to try one with your eyes open for a change.
- Vascular silk.
- Vascular silk.
- How's it goin', Doc? - I say he's gonna have a boy.
Nurse King says a girl.
- Lacerated artery.
- Yep.
- I thought so.
That's easy.
- Did I tell you? - Suture scissors.
- Suture scissors.
- [Camera Clicks.]
- Oh.
Give him some nitrous oxide.
Maybe we can get him to smile.
You're both a couple of ghouls.
I've got shots of every one of'em that lived.
It's a thing, like stepping on a crack.
If I take their picture, they live.
And like an idiot, I went to medical school.
What's his name, babe? Corporal Howard Owens.
I think he's a repeater.
You're new here.
Lieutenant Cathy King, Lieutenant Jack Mitchell.
Why don't we step outside, Frank? Leave the young folks alone.
- See you around later, Lieutenant? - Unless the war ends.
- How many will this make for you, Jack? - 839.
Dangerous Dan's got 842.
I need three to tie.
Oh, now, that's disgusting! We're talking about the wounded he's brought back, Frank.
Hmm? Oh.
Listen, is it too much to ask that we have some normal procedure in here? I mean, really! The O.
's not supposed to be some kind of coffee klatch where flyboys drop in to boast about their records which those of us on the ground could give less of a hoot about.
Or to promote a nurse, who is absolutely going on report at the very next smirk.
Or to stand around taking pictures of the wounded for scrapbooks, for Pete's sake! - Major? Smile.
- Hmm? - Major.
- Captain.
Business is good, I see.
Certainly pays to advertise.
Shall we start our rounds? I don't want to miss the ballet.
Hmm? Uh, concussion from an 85-millimeter shell.
Jarred the right eye out of the socket.
- He replaced the eye himself without serious damage.
- Hey! Trying to put us doctors out of work, sticking your own eye back in? - Just happened to be the first one there.
- Good point.
Continue him on the penicillin.
Yes, Doctor.
Lacerated femoral artery.
Temperature normal.
Good distal pulses.
Continue bed rest.
- [Sighs.]
It's amazing.
- Pardon? How Lois Lane never figures it out.
I know I'd recognize you if I saw you in your underwear and a cape.
- That's hardly likely.
- Just a thought.
- What's a thought? - No.
Seeing the major in her underwear.
Why would you want to do that? - Is this Corporal Owens? Howard Owens? - Right there.
- Corporal? Corporal Owens? - Frank, he's supposed to sleep.
- Corporal? Corporal Owens? - Frank, he's supposed to sleep.
This is a little more important than sleep, pally.
Look alive there! "The president of the United States is proud to award Corporal Howard W.
Owens the Order of the Purple Heart as a tribute to his devotion to duty and sacrifice made in the line of that duty - and in the face of the enemy.
" - [Margaret Sighs.]
- He's asleep with excitement.
- Come on.
Wake up, Owens.
Don't you understand? You're getting the Purple Heart.
Sorry, sir.
This is my second one.
- Lucky pup.
I'd do anything to earn one.
- Short of getting wounded.
- Can we get on with it? - I say we don't.
The patient needs rest more than decoration.
Why don't we present the medal with milk and cookies? You are demeaning a military citation fraught with patriotism! Heroism in battle must be rewarded or else people will behave the way they really feel.
A soldier must receive his medal so he will always remember just what a token our gratitude is.
Oh, give him the medal.
- Ow! - Sorry.
Is everything all right? You're fine.
All we have to do is keep the doctors away from you.
- You up to me yet, Radar? - Hold your potatoes uh, Colonel, sir.
Uh, it's okay, sir.
Ready, uh - Read what we've got so far.
- Yes, sir.
"Major General Handley Wacker, Etcetera, etcetera.
Uh "Pursuant to your request, this is a formal apology for the behavior of Captain B.
Pierce during your recent visit to MASH 4077.
I certainly agree that the captain was out of line when he showed up for the unit inspection wearing only an athletic supporter.
" Sir, how many P's in supporter? I've always found two were enough for me.
- As you know - As you know it is very difficult to discipline doctors.
- Knock, knock.
- Jack Mitchell! Son of a gun! Smilin' Jack.
I haven't seen you since the 121 st Evac.
- You look terrific, sir.
Not a day older.
- So do you.
Well, whatever I've got that's old falls away hair, teeth.
I brought a kid in to get patched up and had to say hello.
Well, glad you did.
Listen, you old scrounger.
Where can I get some streptomycin? I'm running low, and Supply is still trying to get stuff to Valley Forge.
[In Irish Brogue.]
I just might be able to lay me hands on a couple of cases.
I'll give you some - What can we spare, Radar? - We've got eight gallons of DDT, sir.
Then how about We've got a gross of tongue depressors.
- Didn't we get two cases of aftershave lotion? - Aha! The 8055th needs specimen bottles.
I'll take a case.
- Sir, we were gonna use 'em for that.
- Oh, give 'em to him, Radar.
We need the streptomycin.
We'll improvise.
We'll finish the letter later.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you.
Colonel? - Now, that's a "cee-gar.
" - From MacArthur's headquarters.
- Havana.
- Actually, it's a dozen thin Cubans rolled together.
Much "obleeged," Lieutenant.
I'll save this for after dinner.
On second thought, I'll have it for dinner.
Here you go.
It's good enough for MacArthur.
I'll probably develop an urge to walk on the water.
- What's this? - Nothin'.
Isn't that where the Australian nurse scratched you? Just 'cause I wanted to go home in her pouch.
- I patched that months ago.
- Who counts? Sir, there was only half a case left.
- Honest.
- You owe me.
You still owe me for saying that was a battle injury.
You weren't lyin'.
- "Inspection" - Sit down, Radar.
Let's pick it up from athletic supporter.
As you know, it is very difficult to discipline doctors.
"And Captain Pierce is no exception.
" Did I say that? Uh, you were about to, sir.
[Speaking Korean.]
The syringe is going to go up in the air, come down and stick in the orange, right? - That's right.
- Never.
- That's what they said about the Wright Brothers.
- They hustle drinks too? Oh, yeah.
They got that thing off the ground for a free scotch and water.
[Makes Drumroll Sound.]
Double club soda, please, on their tab.
- There's a magnet in the orange.
- That's it.
He peels the orange, puts a magnet inside and then he glues the rind back on the orange without a seam showing.
- And I don't know what the hell I'm talkin' about.
- It's talent pure talent.
- Club soda? - Uh-huh.
That'll stunt your growth, you know.
The bubbles settle in your feet.
I'll take my chances.
- I can do it.
- Oh, yeah? - I'll bet you an honorable discharge.
- You're on.
- [Makes Drumroll Sound.]
Is that right? - Mmm-hmm.
! - How many club sodas did he stick you for? - Two so far.
He took me for 17 one night.
Probably uses a loaded syringe.
You can use your own, sir.
Lieutenant Mitchell, pending completion of a thorough physical examination, you're officially grounded.
Sir? I'm afraid that's an order.
Doctors, check him out.
- Am I gonna live? - Another 50, 60 years tops.
You certainly look in good shape.
I could've had his physique.
I turned it down.
Hold it one second.
One more thing.
- What's this for? - We're gonna toast the kaiser.
Someone swiped our specimen jars.
We were told to improvise.
Do the best you can.
- Come on.
You've got all you need.
- Hey, hey, hey! - Potter said a complete physical.
- It's on the house.
Come on.
Listen, I'm not fillin' it.
Go get your two cents back on the bottle.
- What does Potter suspect, Jack? - Save us all a lot of time.
I take forever to heal.
I'm always thirsty.
The needle.
You get a lot of practice.
I only need it once a day, sometimes twice.
- [Hawkeye.]
Is that all? - Well, sometimes three times.
- That's what Bela Lugosi said.
- Where do you get the insulin? I can get anything.
I got insulin connections up to the yahoo.
- No problem.
- Yes, problem.
Oh, now I was gonna hand my wings in myself.
Dangerous Dan's got 842.
I only need three to tie.
Four to make chopper pilot of the year.
- You'll have to settle for Miss Congeniality.
- Sorry, Jack.
Nobody's gonna ground me yet.
Temp normal, B.
He can be shipped tomorrow.
About a week in Seoul and you'll be back in action, fella.
Yes, sir.
Oh, how I envy you.
Right up there in the heat of battle.
The smell of powder, the cannon's roar, Commies biting the dust.
We're really clobbering 'em now that we got 'em to the peace table.
You give 'em what for, soldier.
Frank, can we take his drains out before he reenlists? The major was merely preparing the patient to return to the duty for which he was trained.
Why don't we just hit him on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper? Major.
- How you doing, Owens? - Okay.
Can I talk to you, Doc? Why do you think I came to Korea? You know anything about psychiatry? Enough to know I'm not supposed to go steady with my mother.
A little.
I don't want to go back to the fighting.
Sounds serious.
You may be coming down with mental health.
This is the second time I've been clobbered.
This'll be the second time they'll put me back on the line.
- Have you ever been up there? - Haven't had the pleasure.
The Chinese blow bugles and whistles.
They put up a racket.
Boy, it's scary.
Why don't I quit? Go AWOL? I just keep going back.
Like without me there's no war.
We all take orders.
Some take them better than others.
You're a good order-taker.
It's not a death wish, is it? I read something about self-destruction.
You're not the self-destructive type.
Take it from the man who keeps putting his finger in the pencil sharpener.
- [Banging Noises.]
- Sir? Sir? - Easy, Radar.
- Sir, it's Lieutenant Mitchell.
He took off.
He's gonna make a pickup down at the Battalion Aid Station.
Speaking of self-destruction.
- Is he the pilot that brought me in? - Yeah.
- I hope they don't get him.
- If they don't, he will.
Radar, stay with him.
We were just talking about fear.
That's my best thing.
This is MASH 4077 calling chopper 17-Fox-Able-Charlie.
Come in, 17-Fox-Able-Charlie.
Do you suppose any of us will ever speak English again? Do you read me? Come in if you read me.
He is not supposed to be flying around up there.
- Maybe his arms will get tired.
- Hysterical.
I thought you grounded him.
I should've nailed him to the floor.
- Where'd you get that? - The Petrified Forest.
They still open? [Jack On Radio.]
Chopper 17-Fox-Able-Charlie.
- That you, Colonel Potter? - Jack, get back here.
- Can you hear me? - Sorry, Colonel.
Worst you can do is send me home.
You're gonna do that anyway.
This is my last chance.
They're clobbering our guys here.
I can pick up four easy and break Dangerous Dan's record.
The thing is, you get conditioned, you know? Yeah.
When I hear a twig snap, I think it's a North Korean creeping up on me, ready to slit my throat.
When I hear a twig snap, I think it's my Uncle Ed coming to catch me with my National Geographic.
You know, the African pictures? When they sent me back to the evac hospital all the nurses there wore rubber-soled shoes.
At night, it sounded just like the sneakers the Chinese wear.
Really? You're half sunk in the mud and you hear that squeak you know they're coming to get you.
I never sleep in the hospital.
Now they're sending me back.
Well, listen.
Maybe you should take this.
It's my lucky four-leaf clover.
It's a little squished.
I had it in my pocket when a Jeep ran over me.
But mostly it works though.
It makes you feel like nothing can happen to you.
- Can you spare it? - Oh, sure.
I think I need less luck back here.
You're a nice guy.
I used to get hit if I wasn't.
The first pilot I ever knew was Duncan MacShane, World War I.
He used to fly low and throw grenades at his targets.
Pulled a pin on one grenade, threw it, and the wind dumped it back in his lap.
Oh, that smarts.
He tossed it out in time, but you couldn't tell him anything either.
Should I be hearing Arthur Godfrey? Jack's vision could blur.
He could black out.
He's a sick man.
You realize if he crashes, it goes on my record.
Besides, he owes me two cases of streptomycin.
To get the four men he wants he's gonna have to put two inside with him.
- They'll have to be small.
- My draft board's taking Boy Scouts.
lfhe gets them on, there's no way he can take off.
175 horsepower just isn't enough to lift 'em.
If that character manages to get off the ground and bring back four wounded without killing them him or the chopper, I want him to get a medal.
Then I want him locked up.
Prep 'em.
We'll be right down.
! That's it, Jack.
The sky's off-limits now.
Who cares? I did it! I did it! 843! Chopper pilot of the year, possibly of all time! Just to make sure you stay grounded, let's have it.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry, Jack.
Guess I'll sell my club soda stock.
I hated to be the one to blow the whistle on you, Jack.
No sweat, Colonel.
A few sitting lessons and I'll be able to solo at a desk in no time.
- I'm not worried about you.
- I'll send you a box of cigars.
- I got nothing to trade.
- Just gift wrap a nurse.
- That's a deal.
- See ya.
We'll do triage here.
We may have a blood problem.
- Line up some donors.
- I'll tell Major Houlihan.
- Hey.
- I'm supposed to leave on this bus.
They gotta get the wounded off first.
I know you're working.
I just wanna say thanks.
And I hope I never see you again, you know? Yeah.
Listen, just keep down low, huh? Okay.
- Owens? - Yes, sir.
- How's the leg? - Fine, sir.
- Where you headed? - Seoul for now.
Then probably back up to the front.
They're taking me out of the game.
Let me give you a hand.
Suppose the Gypsies switched them at birth? - Not a very fair war.
- Contradiction in terms.
Roy, Dennis? This one, stat.
We got more casualties coming, but the blood donors are lined up.
- Could you use a pint, extra sweet? - On the bus! A little respect, please, for the chopper pilot of the year.
I don't think so, sir.
- Dangerous Dan? - Uh-huh.
He's bringing in two more.
You go scrub up.
I'll do triage from the pad.
I'll do triage up there! [Potter.]
Wildest pilot I ever knew, old Duncan MacShane.
Flew his plane through a hangar once, came out the other side turned around, did the same thing again.
The squadron leader yelled, "I thought I told you to put that plane in the hangar.
" MacShane yells back, "I've had it there twice.
- Why don't someone lock the door?" - [Chuckles.]
- Get quite a repertoire from three wars, eh, Colonel? - Sad to say.
- Of the three wars, Colonel - Hmm? Which would you say was the worst? [Radar On P.
Attention all personnel.
By the close of today's fighting the 1 st Battalion of the Gloucester Regiment has lost an estimated 500 men of its 600-man complement.
Each and every one, Hawkeye.
Each and every one.

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