M*A*S*H (MASH) s05e08 Episode Script

U812 - Mulcahy's War

- Sponge.
- [Scoffs.]
Frank, as long as we have to work together - I don't see why we can't be friends.
- Friends? Don't you dare mention the word "friend" to me, you you nurse.
- Ow! - Hmm.
Hey, you two, these public displays of affection have got to stop.
- [Both Chuckling.]
- [B.
I've seen it happen before.
Married men go all to pieces when their girlfriends get engaged.
- Cut.
- It's not losing a girlfriend.
- He's afraid of getting his own wife back.
- [Chuckles.]
Look at this foot kid's quite a marksman, isn't he? Don't let Frank hear you say that.
If he finds out this kid shot himself he'll form a posse and have him lynched.
Wonder why they always go for the foot.
Why didn't he try shooting himself in the canteen? Yeah, then they could win the Purple Tush.
- Close for me.
- Blow it out your ear.
All right, where did you hide the Band-Aids? Band-Aids? You're working on an abdominal wound the size of the Grand Canyon.
It's for me, you simp.
She pinched my pinkie with her scissors.
She was getting even.
You pinched her plenty of times.
- Tit for tat.
- Yeah, what's that? That? In medical parlance, we call that a foot.
- See? It's a matched set.
- You know what I mean.
I happen to be an expert on foot wounds, and that looks fishy to me.
- I think he has a fish fetish.
- This man shot himself.
- No, no, no, no.
That's not what happened.
- No? See, this is Danny Fitzsimons, the star placekicker from Fordham.
Now, what happened is, an enemy soldier shot at him from very close range.
And instinctively, Danny tried to kick the bullet out of the way.
- It's true.
- You're kidding! - No.
- Well, what about the enemy soldier? - Ten-yard penalty.
- For roughing the kicker.
There's an incoming chopper, sirs.
Two wounded.
- Radar, get him into post-op.
- Then go find Father Mulcahy.
He oughta have a little talk with our football hero.
Yes, sir.
- Corporal? - Yes, sir.
Does Fordham have a football team? - I don't know, sir.
I've been in post-op all morning.
- Oh.
Take care of my pal first.
He's much worse.
- We're gonna take care of everybody.
- Please go check on him.
- He saved my life.
- Lift him out.
- Notice anything unusual about this guy? - He's out of uniform.
- He's wearing a fur coat.
- I'm glad he's conscious.
I'd hate to have to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
- How is he? - He's fine.
He just asked me how you bust out of this chicken outfit.
Come in.
Um, Father Oh, I'm sorry, Father.
Oh, what is it, Radar? Oh, Father, Captain Pierce wants you in the O.
Right away.
- He says he has someone he wants you to talk to.
- Well, certainly.
- It's not for the last rites, is it? - Oh, no, sir.
- Thank heaven.
- Oh, uh, Father excuse me, would you happen to know if Fordham has a football team? A darn good one.
They don't call them the Rams for nothing.
I knew a priest would know.
He tried to warn me about the mine, but I wasn't paying attention.
So he tripped it saved my life.
I think he's gonna be all right.
It's mostly the leg, especially the paw.
Captain, I don't mean to seem unsympathetic, but that dog really shouldn't be in here.
- Think of the germs.
- You have more germs than that dog, Nurse.
- I beg your pardon! - I rise in defense of the lady.
- She showers frequently.
I know because I watch her.
- Pervert.
I just meant that dogs don't have as many germs as humans.
- Forget it.
- Hawkeye? There's someone you want me to talk to? Yeah.
I got kind of an unusual case for you, Father.
Oh, my! What denomination is he? [Hawkeye.]
He's a German shepherd.
I guess that makes him a Lutheran.
Oh, gee.
What happened, fella? It's not the dog, Father.
It's Private Fitzsimons in post-op.
- What's the trouble? - Why don't you just go have a talk with him, okay? Certainly.
- Oh, Frank, um - Huh? I got a case over here.
It's a little over my head.
It's another foot wound.
Since you're the expert, why don't you take it? Of course.
You understand that it's not necessarily because I'm a better surgeon than you.
- It's just that, uh, I know my feet.
- I know.
Uh, listen.
L-I, um, I think I oughta warn you that this definitely is self-inflicted.
- You're sure? - Positive.
He tripped a land mine on purpose.
We have a witness.
Well, I'm here as a doctor.
I mean, first we'll get him healthy again, then, uh, court-martial him.
And if all goes well, put him in front of a firing squad.
- Where is he? - Right over here.
- That's a dog! - Very good, Frank.
- I knew he'd get it.
- I'm not operating on any damn dog.
Oh, come on, sir.
You've got to.
After all, dogs are people too.
Well, I'm not going to do it.
Especially because that's a self-inflicted wound.
- He did it to save my life.
- Well, that's what he says now.
He might be a dog, but he also happens to be a corporal in the United States Army.
See, these two were scheduled to be rotated back to the States any day now.
And it wouldn't look very good, Frank, if if, uh What's his name? - Cupcake.
- Really? If Corporal Cupcake never made it back to the States because you wouldn't operate on him.
- Don't forget.
He's a hero.
- He's scheduled to be awarded the Silver Fire Hydrant.
Well I better scrub.
You're gonna be okay, boy.
An altar boy, my.
Where you from? Philadelphia.
Saint Isadore's Parish.
Philadelphia! I was in the seminary there.
- You must know Father Marty Gallagher.
- Sure do.
He's my pastor.
Oh, I studied with him.
Oh, what a man.
- We used to call him "Boom Boom" Gallagher.
- So did we.
- Father, do you know how he got his name Boom Boom? - No, I don't.
He was a chaplain in World War II.
He was always way up at the front.
He was so close to the artillery that when he finished a sermon, the enemy would say "Amen.
" [Laughs.]
Yes, he used to tell us stories about the war.
But I have to admit, I don't find war quite as exciting as he did.
- Neither do I.
- You know, Father Gallagher would be proud of you right now.
- I don't think so.
- Oh, why wouldn't he be? Because I shot myself in the foot to get outta here.
Oh, my goodness.
Danny, how old are you? Eighteen and a half.
Well, you're young.
You're far from home.
You made a mistake.
But we all do foolish things.
It wasn't foolish.
I'd do it again in a minute.
You can't mean that.
Father, you sit around with your butt in the mud for weeks watching snipers pick off your buddies one by one.
They sneak up at night in canvas shoes, so you can't hear them.
One night, I was in a foxhole with four other guys.
I snuck out to go to the latrine, and when I got back all four of them were dead.
I couldn't take it anymore.
Danny, I'm sure it's rough out there.
L-I imagine it's very difficult, but You imagine? Father, haven't you ever been up there? - No.
- Not even once? You've never been up there? Not even for a little while? Well I've wanted to go but I'm not allowed.
Boy, if Boom Boom could see us now.
He'd wonder where he went wrong.
Well, let's not talk about Boom Boom.
Let's talk about you.
Tell me about it.
I know it's rough.
Father, with all due respect, we don't have anything to talk about.
Let's face it.
You have no idea what it's like up there.
Whoops! Missed again.
I have the same trouble myself, sir.
Well, at least my cheeks won't be bloodshot.
If these drops of yours work, I'll get you a field promotion.
Sir, I know we've talked about this before but I want you to understand how useless I feel here.
Why, the men don't need my words of comfort when they're safe and being taken care of.
They need comfort up there, where they're wet and cold and facing bullets.
Father, you've got the toughest job in camp and there's not much glory in it like there is for the surgeons and the nurses.
But you're the one who really holds things together.
You should be proud.
Colonel, I had a seminary teacher who was a chaplain in World War II.
- Father Marty Gallagher.
- Boom Boom Gallagher? - Oh, why, you knew him? - No.
Heard about him.
He was famous for the poker games he used to organize whenever the German artillery took a break.
Colonel, Boom Boom used to excite us with his stories about being right up front with the men, and that's where I wanna be.
Father, this is a different war.
Line officers don't want chaplains up at the front.
It's just another unarmed man they have to be responsible for.
Whoops! Got the ear that time.
Yeah, right.
We don't have any choppers, and you don't have any ambulances.
Now if we could just run out of wounded soldiers, we wouldn't have to be in business at all.
All right.
Look, I'll send a litter jeep right up there, okay? All right.
Yeah, okay.
- [Sighs.]
- Yeah.
They got a guy up at the aid station who needs surgery.
Do you think you and Igor could grab a jeep and go get him? Go up to the aid station where all the shooting is? - A man's life depends on it.
- Well, I know.
But I got all this work here.
Colonel Potter expects me to - Okay.
I'll do it.
- Okay.
I gotta go back to O.
Hey, how's the dog doing Corporal Cupcake? Oh, he's gonna be fine.
He's got a pleasant little snarl on his face.
You don't belong up there.
You belong right here.
We need you.
Sir? Oh, pardon me.
- Uh, what is it, Radar? - Uh, sir there's someone badly wounded up at the aid station.
Your permission for Igor and me to go get him? All right, Radar, go ahead.
But be careful.
- Yes, sir.
Sorry I interrupted your service, Father.
- [Mulcahy.]
Hmm? You're doing a fine job, but try to understand.
You're a chaplain, not a soldier.
Well, I think I'm a soldier too, sir.
I certainly look like one.
I once saw a picture of Calvin Coolidge in a war bonnet but that didn't make him an Indian.
- Sorry, Father.
- Yes, sir.
Father Mulcahy, is anything wrong? You have a very determined look on your face.
Do I? Well, I don't mean to.
- Is there something I can do for you? - No.
I guess I'll have to do for myself.
Thank you.
Come on, Igor.
We gotta get rolling.
Igor, you stay here.
I'll go with Radar.
Uh, Father, you gotta get permission.
I only got orders for Igor and me.
I'll be responsible, Radar.
There's a wounded man, and he needs a priest.
- Here.
Take my helmet.
- Father, you're gonna get both of us in trouble.
- Radar, you play poker, right? - Not now, Father.
No, no, no, no.
A very wise priest once said "No matter how well you bluff, eventually you have to put your cards on the table.
" - I can't argue with that - [Engine Starts.]
'Cause I don't know what you're talking about.
- Okay, take it away.
- [Explosions In Distance.]
Easy now.
That's good.
- Yeah, just sign here.
- Yeah.
You guys are lifesavers.
I don't know how long he'd last without surgery.
That's a bad chest wound.
No use, Padre.
Every once in a while the Chinese let us know that they invented gunpowder.
How in heaven's name do you ever get used to it? You get used to never getting used to it.
I wish he were conscious.
I'd like to offer some comfort.
Being unconscious is as comfortable as you can get up here, Padre.
Do you ever get any wounded dogs up here? Nah.
They're too smart to get wounded.
They just point out where the Chinese are, and they step aside.
- They're kinda like generals.
- Radar, we'd better get underway.
- This man needs attention.
- Right.
- Well, wait a minute.
- What? We had a goat up here once though.
Very serious shrapnel wounds.
Oh, wow.
What'd you do? We ate 'im.
[Engine Starts.]
- How's he doing, Father? - He seems okay.
Radar, I want to thank you for bringing me along on this.
I really needed the experience.
That's okay, Father.
Sometimes it's more important to be nice to people than to worry about the rules, you know.
Geez, I remember once in school, we were having this test, you know and there was this boy, Leonard Gerst.
- He wanted to, you know, copy off of me.
- Ah.
And I knew his mother would beat him up, uh, if he flunked the test - so I let him copy.
- That was a very nice thing to do, Radar.
- Also, he gave me three dollars.
- [Laughs.]
I'll have a cafe espresso.
And for my friend here, a cappuccino deluxe.
- Help yourself.
- Ah.
We also have a special today on roast crown of lamb with cranberry stuffing served with a side order of fresh poached salmon and dill sauce.
No, thanks.
I had that for breakfast.
This is terrible, even by my standards.
And this from a man who drinks lime Kool-Aid with strips of bologna in it.
Klinger, have you seen Father Mulcahy? No, sir, I haven't seen him all day.
But if it's a spiritual problem give me a minute, and I'll come back as a nun.
Careful, Klinger.
Dressing as a nun can be habit-forming.
It isn't a spiritual problem.
It's physical - a hole in a foot.
- Spare me.
Some guys shoot themselves in the foot to get sent back home.
Not me.
I'd ruin a perfectly good pair of nylons.
Say, Pierce Butt out.
I checked on that Fitzsimons kid and he couldn't have played football for Fordham he's only 18.
He entered when he was 16, Frank.
Got lucky.
- He went there on a bingo scholarship.
- Oh, those Catholics.
- How's Corporal Cupcake? - [Frank.]
Who? The pooch.
Woof! Woof! Oh, him.
Resting comfortably.
He'll be back on his paws in no time.
What a humiliating experience.
No surgeon with an ounce of self-respect would operate on a dog.
Frank, some vets earn more money than doctors.
- Oh? - Sure.
Better get his address.
- Put him on my Christmas card list.
- Couldn't hurt.
Oh! You know, you really don't get used to it.
- Radar! Radar, pull over! - Huh? Stop the jeep.
He's choking.
There's something wrong! Oh, God, pull over! I am.
Wait a minute! - What's the matter? - Help me.
- Help me to clear his throat.
- Ooh! - [Soldier Gasping.]
- It isn't working.
Well, maybe there's something stuck down there, Father.
- [Soldier Choking.]
- His tongue is swollen.
It's blocking the passage.
Oh, he's not breathing! He's not breathing at all! Radar, call the base.
Get one of the doctors.
This is the litter jeep, MASH 407 Litter jeep calling MASH 4077! Come in! Come in, anybody! I'm not just anybody, but I'll talk.
What is it, Radar? Uh, Klinger, it's Radar.
Listen, we're in trouble here.
Get me a doctor, real quick.
Gotcha! Captain Pierce, Hunnicutt, Colonel Potter, an emergency! - What? - The radio, sir.
It's Radar.
- Put it on the speaker.
- What's the problem, Radar? The guy we're bringing back can't breathe.
Father Mulcahy says his tongue is swollen up.
- What's Mulcahy doing there? - This is Father Mulcahy.
I know I'm not supposed to be here, but we've got a man in bad trouble.
- He needs help! - Father, where's the man wounded? Well, in the chest, Hawkeye, but I don't think that's the trouble.
His tongue is swollen, and he can't breathe.
- Is he getting any air at all? - No, sir.
Not much.
- Hardly any at all.
- Tracheotomy.
- Right.
- Father, Radar, listen carefully.
You only have a couple of minutes.
One of you is gonna have to cut a small hole in the man's throat to let air in.
- You mean, cut like a doctor? - We'll give you step-by-step instructions.
I'm no good at step-by-step.
You do it.
- Hawkeye, do you think we can? - If you don't, the man's dead! - Oh, very well.
We're ready.
- [Soldier Choking.]
All right, Father, here we go.
First you need something to cut with a sharp knife.
- Sharp knife.
- You have a first-aid kit.
See if there's anything sharp in there you can use.
- [Soldier Groaning.]
- Uh, let's see.
Geez, there's nothing in here but these funny little scissors they gave us in kindergarten.
Why can't they keep these things complete? - Don't you have anything else? - I've got my Tom Mix pocketknife.
- Tom Mix pocketknife.
- Your what? Tom Mix was an old radio show.
It's very sharp.
Okay, fine.
That's fine.
You need a small tube.
When you make the hole you're gonna put the tube in, and the man will breathe through that.
- A tube? - Part of a syringe will do if there's one in the kit.
You could use the top of a fountain pen.
Just snip off one end.
- Is a pencil okay? - No, it has to be something hollow.
Think! - Wait! Wait! My bottle of eyedrops.
- Eyedrops! The dropper is plastic.
I'll just pull the cap off.
Okay, that's kinda small, but that'll do.
Now, look, Father, you're gonna have to work fast.
In the first-aid kit, get the alcohol.
Sterilize the knife and the man's neck.
Where's the alcohol? Where's the alcohol? Oh, okay, okay.
We're doing it.
Father, if you're ready Iook for a notch at the base of his throat.
It's right where the chest starts.
Right in the middle.
- Oh, boy! - I got it! Good.
Now take the knife and make an incision a vertical incision through the skin about two inches long.
There's gonna be a little blood, but that's okay.
- Oh! Oh, sure.
- [Incoming Shell.]
Oh! Oh, ick! He did it! He did it! Good, Father.
Very good.
Okay, now open that skin with your fingers and keep cutting until you see a couple of little horizontal rings of tissue.
- I got it.
- He got it.
Okay, now this is it, Father.
That tissue is fibrous.
It's not going to be easy to cut.
Make an incision between the rings of tissue and then stick the tube in the hole you made.
The man will be breathing through that tube.
Now work fast! - I have to say a prayer first.
- He's gotta say a prayer first.
Make it a damn short one.
- I can't think of any.
- Oh, my God.
Bless us, oh Lord, and these thy gifts which we are about to receive from thy bounty - through Christ, our Lord.
- That's grace! [Screams.]
Don't pay any attention to the blood.
Just get the tube in there.
[Strained Breathing.]
He's breathing! You hear that? He's breathing! He did it! Tape the tube in place and pack some cotton around it to stop the bleeding.
- You did it! - Oh, the skin and the tissue seem to close right in around the tube.
Father, that's exactly what's supposed to happen! You did it! You did it! - Amen.
- Amen.
Good work, Padre.
Get that man back here as fast as you can.
We did it.
Oh, boy, we did it.
- Well, what do you think of that? - I think I'm a fool.
- What do you mean? - I came all the way over to Korea to perform surgery.
I could have stayed at home and phoned it in.
- Come on.
I think I'd better drive.
- Okay.
- Radar, you all right? - Oh, yeah.
I'm just a little carsick.
- What happened to the wheel? - [Incoming Shell.]
Oh! Father, let's get outta here! Very well, Radar.
If you insist.
[Engine Starts.]
- ##[Jukebox.
Mellow Jazz .]
- You know, Father, I thought we had a deal.
We save the bodies.
You save the souls.
Oh, my.
Well, I hope I didn't violate any union regulations.
- Father.
- Hey, Father.
Thought you'd like to know your patient is doing just fine.
We're all thinking of trading in our scalpels for Tom Mix pocketknives.
Padre, I could swear I told you not to go up to the front.
Yes, sir.
You did, sir.
And in spite of the fact that I saved a man's life I now feel I was wrong to disobey you.
Cleverly put.
Boom Boom Gallagher would be proud of you.
Oh what a nice thought.
You know, Father, first time I operated, I was scared stiff.
And there weren't any bombs going off around me either.
I can imagine what it was like for you.
- No, Hawkeye, you can't.
- Why not? You had to be there.
- Hello, Danny.
- Hello, Father.
I understand you had quite an afternoon.
Oh, you heard, did you? Yeah.
Everybody's talking about it.
You actually cut a hole in a guy's throat.
And under fire too.
Were you scared? Terrified.
You know, l-I think it gave me a little taste of what it was like for you.
Danny, maybe it almost gives me the right to talk to you.
- What do you think? - Let's talk, Father.
Why don't we? Seoul is a very big city, and there are certain females you gotta watch out for.
Sir, you don't have to warn me about stuff like that.
I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to him.
So long, Corporal Cupcake.
It's been a pleasure serving with you.
Well, taking off, huh? Bye, pooch.
- [Growls, Barks.]
- Oh, nice! If it weren't for me, you'd be in a wheelchair.
- Go ahead, Phil.
- [Engine Starts.]
You know what's funny? When Cupcake gets his promotion I'm gonna be outranked by a dog.
I know how you feel.
I'm only a captain, and Frank is a major.

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