M*A*S*H (MASH) s05e18 Episode Script

U822 - Hanky Panky

#Are the stars out tonight # [B.
No, they're not.
- #I don't know if it's cloudy or bright # - [B.
# 'Cause I only have eyes # Clamp.
- Clamp.
- Clamp.
Sorry, Doctor.
# For you, dear ## You seem preoccupied, Donovan.
Is anything wrong? - No, nothing.
Thank you.
- If it's me, I can always move to another war.
Will you pipe down, Pierce! We're working over here.
What do you think we're doing over here, playing hearts? You're always looking for a fight.
I've certainly come to the right place.
I don't mind singing in the O.
I'm liable to bust out myself any minute.
Oh, go right ahead, Colonel.
It'll do your old heart middle-aged heart good, sir.
You certainly have a winning way, Junior.
- Colonel, I wonder if you could help me with a problem.
- Well, I hope so.
I haven't received a letter from my fiance in four days.
- You want me to write you one? - Not much I can do, Major.
Maybe Penobscott's busy.
- Yeah.
Learning to write.
- I'll ignore that jealousy-inspired wisecrack.
- Has anybody been getting mail? - Suture.
I've been getting fan mail from North Korea.
They want me to play Panmunjom after the war.
Peace talks are playing there now.
It's a tough act to follow.
I got mail.
I got a wonderful letter from my old Sunday school teacher.
Tell us about it, and I'll step on your foot.
I'm worried about Donald.
He works so hard.
- Maybe he strained himself thinking.
- Don't you wish.
He has a mind like a steel trap.
That could be dangerous.
If he gets an idea, he'll snap his neck and swallow his face.
I feel like Rip Van Winkle.
How long have we been in there? [Donovan.]
Seven and a halfhours.
If I weren't certain of being knighted, I'd resign.
- I wasn't much help to you doctors.
- You were fine.
I'm afraid I've got too many things on my mind.
We all do.
I can't decide on who to ask to the movies tonight.
- I'll bet it isn't me.
- Don't be so sure.
- Well, how about you? - You're asking me after him? Well, he turned me down.
I'm on the rebound now.
This is your big chance.
- I don't play second fiddle.
- Forget the fiddle.
What do you play? - Solitaire.
- Come on.
What do you say? Dinner in the Mess Tent the room that floats in fat.
Followed by a rotten motion picture.
It's a perfect evening.
- I'm busy.
- Going to the auto show? Post-op.
I'm helping B.
Follow up on some cases.
You're doing time with Hunnicutt? - Who sentenced you to that? - I volunteered.
You're turning down a chance to be seen with the Porfirio Rubirosa of Ouijongbu.
- What a tongue twister.
- Oh, you've heard about me.
- Maybe next time, Captain.
- I'll have my florist send - an armful of pussy willows to your tent.
- It won't help.
How about a box of dehydrated chocolates? - Poor girl's gone bonkers.
- Who, Donovan? Yeah.
She turned down a chance to hold hands with me in the flicks tonight.
Someday she'll look back and wanna pound her head on a rock.
Is she actually helping you out in post-op? Is that so crazy? You two got the mutual irresistables for each other? [Laughs.]
Come on.
Tell me, who's the most devoted family man in the world? Mickey Rooney.
- Who gets an "A" in fidelity? - R.
You, both times.
So how come she turns down a date with Dr.
Jekyll - to go work in the lab with Mr.
Hyde? - She's helping me with cases.
I could use a little of that kind of help myself.
Hawk, her husband's back in the States and, uh, their marriage is in trouble.
Gee, I can't understand why.
They're only 12,000 miles apart.
She's really upset about it, and work's good therapy.
- Are you sure there's nothing going on between you two kids? - Honest.
- A little hanky-panky after taps? - Scout's honor.
- Before? During? - No.
- I'm happily married.
- Oh, yeah? I thought that was a contradiction in terms.
Colonel, how'd you like a delicious cup of coffee? - I'd love it.
- Me too.
This stuff stinks.
- I just don't understand why Donald hasn't written.
- Maybe there's another woman.
- Fat chance.
- Another man? Donald is so devoted it's scary.
I can certainly tell when someone loves me.
When you kiss him, he clicks his heels.
- I can feel his loving arms all the way from Tokyo.
- Not bad for a stocky guy.
Maybe he's involved in some of that spy stuff, like parachuting into North Korea.
- That's possible.
- Is he qualified? - He's made 126 jumps.
- Once from a plane.
Mail call, Colonel.
You got a letter from Mrs.
- Bless the dear girl.
- Captain Hunnicutt, you got three from your wife.
- You got three? - Gotta write 'em to get 'em.
Oh, I don't know.
Melville wrote Moby Dick, and he never wrote back.
- Probably on a cruise.
- Major Houlihan, a letter from your lieutenant colonel.
Oh! Wonderful.
Wait a minute! - This letter has been opened.
- Sometimes they come like that.
And sometimes they're opened by creepy company clerks who like to peek at intimate personal passages.
- Come on, Margaret.
That's uncalled for.
- It's not fair.
Yeah, and it wasn't even very intimate either.
- Nosy jerk.
- Come on, Margaret.
Smell your letter and read it.
- Oh, this is terrible.
- What is it? - Did peace break out? - It's Donald.
He's in Tokyo Army Hospital.
- What's wrong with him? - He doesn't say, brave darling.
- Could be just a checkup.
- Maybe he's having a neck installed.
Or getting his upper lip starched.
You're just jealous because Donald is full-lipped.
- I'm getting excited.
- Eat your pudding.
- How you doing, Donovan? - Okay.
Anything I can do? - No.
- Bad news from home? It's a letter from my old man a Dear Jane.
He started out with, uh, "Dear Carrie I just don't know how to tell you this.
" But he found a way.
Yeah, he did.
Listen, uh, why don't you skip post-op tonight? - No.
I'll be there.
- You don't have to.
I can handle it.
So can I.
- Okay.
- B.
? - Yeah? - Thank you.
You know, when you're hurting, sometimes it helps to talk about it.
My wife bottles things up, keeps everything inside.
So I get in her way in the kitchen.
I keep nudging her till she gets sore enough to swing at me.
Then out it comes the anger, tears the problem everything.
- You must be a good husband.
- Yeah, but we miss a lot of dinners.
- Would you like to talk about it? - N-No.
Just like Peggy stubborn.
I'll meet you in the kitchen.
- You can cork me two good ones.
- [Laughs.]
To be honest, I'd like to talk.
But not here.
Someplace where we wouldn't be interrupted.
- How about Guam? - How about my tent? - Oh, that wouldn't do.
- Why not? It wouldn't look right.
People might get the wrong idea.
You wanna talk in your tent, we'll talk in your tent.
After I'm finished here, I'll stop by.
Thanks, B.
No problem.
Now beat it.
- [Snoring.]
- Corporal! Corporal O'Reilly! - Betty! - [Screams.]
- What are you doing! - What? - What am I doing? I don't know.
- You kissed a superior officer! - I did? I didn't mean to.
- Why did you do that? I don't know.
I was sleeping, and I was dreaming about - It's personal! - Don't you ever do that again! - I won't.
Never! - Hurry up.
Get up.
I want you to make a call for me.
- Oh, okay.
- Get up.
I want you to call Tokyo.
- Tokyo Army Hospital.
- Right.
I got it.
I want to speak to Lieutenant Colonel Donald Penobscott.
- Yeah, I know.
He's your whatchamacallit.
- My fiance, Corporal! Right.
Sparky? Yeah, Sparky, listen.
Get me Tokyo Army Hospital, quick.
And we won't ever mention to Lt.
Penobscott about what just happened, will we? - Oh, never, never, ever.
- 'Cause he's big and strong and insanely jealous.
- And he's got the bite of a bulldog.
- Who said that? Nobody.
I mean, l-I just overheard it someplace.
- Are you working that thing? - Yes, right! Hello, Operator! Yes.
Ma'am, please, get me Lt.
Donald Col.
- A patient.
- A patient.
And it's an emergency.
- What's going on in here? Who are you calling, Radar? - Oh, it's for me, Colonel.
We're calling my fiance in Tokyo.
I've been worried sick.
What? What, Operator? - But Ma'am, he's not accepting any calls.
- What? - [Gasps.]
Leave a message.
- A message, Operator.
- Tell him to call Maj.
Margaret Houlihan.
- Call Maj.
Margaret Houlihan.
- MASH 4077.
- MASH 4077.
- Worried to death.
- Worried to death.
- Love and kisses.
- Love and kisses.
Aren't you in a premature panic, Major? He's not taking any calls.
This could be very serious.
- Maybe he's just resting.
- Colonel, request permission to go to Tokyo and attend my fiance before he dies.
Why don't you relax, find out what's wrong.
I'll take a chopper in the morning to Kimpo and hitch a ride to Tokyo.
No, Major.
Let's be patient for another day.
I'm not tying up a chopper and losing a nurse just to find out Penobscott has a simple pimple on his butt.
"A simple pimple on his butt"? Radar, where'd you get that lipstick? Maj.
It was an accident! - I told you to keep your mouth shut! - Right.
She did.
- It was an accident.
- Of course.
- Good night.
- Good night, Major.
[Clears Throat.]
Why don't you get some rest, Romeo? I thought I had a good marriage.
The war killed it.
"I wish you were writing this letter instead of me.
"It'd be so much easier.
"I know I'll always love you.
- But I met someone" - Carrie.
I'm gonna make a little prediction.
One fine day, believe it or not, you'll get over all this.
The hurt will pass.
You'll forgive him, and you'll be ready to love again.
- It seems impossible.
- I know.
I know, but someday you'll be glad that guy's outta your hair.
- A new fella will come along.
- [Chuckles.]
Nice, bright guy a sucker for eyes like yours.
- [Sniffles.]
- And you'll start dating.
He'll fall madly in love with you.
And you'll turn around and clobber the poor slob.
- [Yawns.]
- You want me to wake you up when you're finished eating? I didn't get any sleep last night.
Gee, I dreamt I was dancing with Major Houlihan, and Betty Grable woke me up.
Somethin' like that.
- Morning.
- Morning.
- You were out awful late last night.
- Lots to do in post-op.
- You were gone when I woke up this morning.
- Couldn't sleep.
If I didn't know better, I'd say you were out all night.
- Mm-hmm.
- You could've called.
- Mother and I were worried sick.
- Dad? Shut up.
Ah, I hate to see them grow up.
I just hope you weren't wasting your time with some nurse.
Let's say I was sitting up with a sick friend.
Start at the beginning and tell me all about it.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
Donovan, you look like a new woman, not that there was anything wrong with the old one.
- Thanks.
I feel better.
- Well, why shouldn't we all feel good? Our work is so rewarding always lending a helping hand, doing unto others.
Hawk? Your mouth runneth over.
I'm just teasing.
I mean, do I know what I'm saying? Whatever it is, I don't mean it.
Should I go? - Just stop talking.
- I will as soon as I get my foot out of my mouth.
I think I'll put it someplace else.
Ah, I'm being paged at the pool.
Well, you two carry on.
Strike that.
This is me leaving.
Here I go.
So long.
- Hello? - Hi.
Anybody in there? I'm sorry.
I'm-I'm a little, uh, preoccupied.
- Anything wrong? - Oh, no.
I, uh I see you're trying the eggs.
You're braver than I am.
Will you excuse me, Carrie? I've got a lot of work to do.
- [Knocking.]
- One second, please.
- Major Houlihan.
- Major Burns.
- Am I disturbing you? - Not yet.
Now you are.
What is it? Firstly, may I say I'm sincerely unhappy your fiance is terribly sick.
He's not terribly sick.
All I know is that he's in the hospital.
Oh, when they don't tell you, it's usually pretty bad.
They haven't not told me.
I just haven't been able to find out.
And I'm sincerely not happy you're unhappy.
Thank you, Frank.
Anything else? Oh, yes.
Uh, I have this little gift to present to you.
- Oh.
- It's just a little inexpensive token of sincerity.
How lovely.
A Japanese umbrella.
- Made in Texas.
- Thank you, Frank.
- That was very sweet.
- Well, giving is what it's all about.
We had a fine relationship once, Margaret and this just goes to prove that there's no hard feelings.
Oh, I get cranky at times, but we're still pals, okay? - What a nice speech.
- It's off-the-cuff.
Thank you, Frank.
I hope we can always be friends.
Oh, why not? I'm always ready if you need me.
I appreciate that, and I'm really anxious for you to meet Donald.
I think about you in here and me just across the compound.
- I think about the good times we had.
I'll never forget 'em.
- Neither will I, Frank.
- A lot of people knock this war, but I can't.
It gave me you.
- Oh, thank you.
Our friendship is real.
It's warm.
It's honest.
It's convenient.
- Frank! - I'm doing my best, Margaret! - But it's not enough.
I can't stand it anymore.
- Frank, stop it! - Hold on to yourself! - Not me! You! - Let go of me! You fake! You fake! - Ow! Ow! Ow! - Don't break it! I can get my money back! - You pretend you're my friend! Take it home, you phony baloney! [Whimpering.]
Oh, Donald.
- How do you feel? - Terrible.
- You wanna talk about it? - No.
Nothing like an old fink to tell your troubles to.
- I don't wanna talk about it.
- Come on.
Pour your heart out.
I'm a doctor.
I can fix it.
Hawk, you're looking at a guy that fell off the fidelity wagon.
I thought I heard a thump sometime last night.
And I'm miserable.
I'm a happily married man.
Not like Frank Burns is happy because his wife owns real estate.
I adore my wife and my kid and my marriage.
I know.
I don't like being unfaithful.
I'm not lookin' around.
- I'm lucky to have what I've got.
- You're right.
You are lucky.
God help me.
, you stumbled last night.
That's all.
You were helping somebody, and it got out of hand.
- You made a mistake.
- I sure did.
- What's that? - I'm writing Peg about it.
Wrong, wrong, wrong! Don't be an idiot.
You made one lousy goof, and you wanna punish yourself, but don't punish her.
Do not tell Peg.
Don't tell anybody what you just told me.
- This will pass.
- Like a kidney stone.
Simply take a vow.
Raise your right hand.
Come on.
Come on.
I promise to be a good and faithful husband, to write nice, cheerful letters home to think of Peg often, and to keep my fat hands off Nurse Donovan.
Do you vow? - I vow.
- I feel better about you already.
- Thanks.
- My pleasure.
There's probably a career for me in saving marriages.
You know, I'm gonna take a vow too.
- Good for you.
- I, Hawkeye Pierce, vow that someday I will take a vow just like his.
But right now, I'm a little late for a very important date.
No time to say hello, good-bye.
I'm late, I'm late, I'm late.
Lieutenant, what can I do you for? Oh, uh, it's a personal problem, Colonel.
- Uh, my husband wants a divorce.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
- Stateside, is he? - Yes, Colonel.
Well, it's a wonder we don't have more of this kind of casualty.
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder but I think that's a lot of buffalo bagels.
Excuse me.
Sit down, Donovan.
Um, I'd like a transfer, Colonel.
I'm making a mess of things here at 4077.
You volunteered for this duty, Lieutenant, and you've been doing good work.
- We need you.
- I'd be happier elsewhere.
If you've got problemspeople problems I'd like you to work them out.
They don't mean anything compared to what these boys are going through.
- Don't you agree? - Yes, Colonel.
I don't want you leaving 'cause you're hitting a rough stretch of road.
Hang on for a while.
It's my opinion you can ride it out.
Okay? - I'll try.
- Thank you, Lieutenant.
- Colonel Potter, sir.
- What do you want, Klinger? - Justice, sir.
- Justice in the army? - You're crazy.
- You might say that, Colonel.
I don't like those moist eyes.
Sir, you ever heard of the Toledo Strangler? No.
He's struck eight times.
The terror of Toledo.
- Kills only women motorcycle cops.
- So? The fiend stands before you.
- You are the Toledo Strangler? - I confess I am.
Extradite me.
Send me back to Toledo for a lengthy jury trial.
- Why do you do this, Klinger? - The sirens, sir.
The sirens on the motorcycles drive me bananas.
- Have you read this? - What do you mean? It says here the last murder took place only two weeks ago.
This man's an imposter some nut trying to get in on my act.
Beat it, Klinger.
- But, sir, what about the newspaper clipping? - What about it? It says the killer's from Toledo and always uses a yellow scarf.
- I rest my case.
- Paste it in your scrapbook.
I could strangle somebody for you.
I don't mind auditioning.
- A person of your choice? - Some other time.
Colonel, I don't expect you to buy everything I bring in here but maybe just once, okay? Out, Klinger, before I call a woman motorcycle cop.
[Clicks Heels.]
- Doctor? Captain Hunnicutt.
- What's wrong? This one looks shocky.
He's waxy, and his lips are blue.
- What are his vital signs? - Pulse 120.
94 over 52.
- Give me another unit of plasma.
- Right.
- It was a good pickup, Carrie.
Alert as hell.
- Thanks.
We're gonna have to watch him for a while.
- How are you feeling? - Why do you ask? - What? - What do you care? Those are the first civil words you've spoken to me in a week.
- You're exaggerating a bit, aren't you? - No, I'm not.
You've been salty as hell, a bear with hangnails.
- I wasn't aware of it.
- Wanna talk about it? - No.
- Why not? 'Cause the last time we talked, we didn't.
That's what we ought to talk about.
, it's important to me.
Keep an eye on him for a few minutes.
I'll be right outside.
[Wind Blowing.]
I know how you feel.
You feel guilty, but you're blaming me.
No, I'm not.
I'm blaming myself.
Only partly.
I get your anger every time I come near you.
I don't need it.
Carrie, I'm sorry.
But you know what happened.
I got this enormous attack of the guilts.
I've never done that before.
I'm hopelessly, passionately in love with my wife.
- What's wrong with that? - I don't want to mess that up.
I feel like I've betrayed her.
Why? Because you were kind and considerate and sweet to me? Because I was in despair one night, and you helped me through it? Are you ashamed of it? No, of course not, but there was more to it than that.
We didn't plan that.
We're still human beings, you know, no matter how hard we try not to be.
Yes, I know, and I'm still afraid.
- Of what? - Of you.
Because you're right here and you're so attractive and so close.
- And so vulnerable.
- Yes.
- You don't trust yourself.
- [Scoffs.]
, just because I'm across the compound doesn't mean you can waltz into my tent whenever you want to.
I needed you that night, and you were there.
I'll always love you for that.
It doesn't mean it's ever gonna happen again.
I can work out my own problem.
I don't expect you to be the answer to it.
Does that make it easier? Yes and no.
We can be friends.
Yes, we can.
Closer than most.
Still friends.
Carrie you're very special.
I like you too.
Let's go back to work, friend.
Hello! Hello! Lt.
Donald Col.
Penobscott? Yes.
Houlihan calling.
- Thank heaven! - Thank Radar.
Donald? Margaret.
How are you? Oh, darling, I've been worried sick.
I was just saying l Colonel, Corporal, may I make my call in private, please? - Certainly.
- Sure.
Donald, how are you? Darling, what's happened to you? Oh, no! No! Colonel, Corporal, come back in here, please! - What is it, Major? - It's Donald.
He's hurt himself a hernia doing the rope climb on the obstacle course.
Donald, you're always training so hard.
Colonel, request permission to go to him, please.
- We're very busy, Major.
- But he's had a hernia operation.
- We need you here.
- He won't let me go.
- It's this stupid war.
- She's right.
It's the war.
Colonel, Corporal, may I complete my call in private, please? - He'll be out of action for about four weeks, Major.
- Never mind! Donald, you've gotta be more careful! The rope climb - A double hernia! - [Potter.]
Eight weeks.
Oh, Donald! Donald, you can't do this to me.
You have to be a little more considerate.
After all, you're an engaged person.

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