M*A*S*H (MASH) s05e20 Episode Script

U807 - The General's Practitioner

Let's say, in the next war, the generals strip down to their B.
's and have at it with baseball bats while the rest of us stay home.
That is so like you, Hunnicutt.
Not a patriotic bone in your body.
No wonder the man flunked anatomy.
He thinks there are patriotic bones.
- Four-oh silk.
- We only have three-oh.
I'll take three-oh, and you'll owe me one.
You just don't understand people wanting to fight for their country.
Sure I do, but it isn't my country.
Don't you realize that if we weren't here, the Commies would overrun the whole darn place? [B.
Serve 'em right.
The weather stinks, and the food's lousy.
And the room service leaves a lot to be desired.
- [Hawkeye.]
- [Nurse.]
Those Commies think they can run the world.
Let's see 'em try to run Newark.
- In two weeks, they'd end up in the trunk of a Buick.
- [Laughing.]
- Sir, there's a Colonel Bidwell to see you.
- Tell him I'm busy.
He said, if you said you were busy, I was to say it's urgent.
You can tell him to take a flying leap - I'll be out when I'm finished.
- That's what I told him.
- Colonel Potter? - Right.
I'm Colonel Bidwell, "l" Corps Operations Officer.
- What can I do for you? - Who's your best doctor? - Why do you wanna know? - Will you answer the question, please? We have several good men.
- Do you have one who's outstanding? - Yes, we do.
- What's his name, Colonel? - Our best man is Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce.
- I'll take him.
- For what? Personal physician to General Theodore A.
Korshak, "l" Corps Commander.
- Korshak? "Tamer of the Tiger Tank"? - None other.
- Pierce isn't your man.
- He is if he's the best.
If General Korshak were being carried in on a stretcher I'd say Pierce is the fella you want.
But a personal physician? No, sirree.
- Why not? - Because Pierce is a maverick from the top of his unshorn head to the tips of his uncut toenails.
- You're saying he's not G.
- He isn't even housebroken.
I appreciate your candor, but I still want to meet him.
Whatever you say.
He's in O.
Right now.
Listen, Bidwell.
A lot of men are alive today because Pierce works here.
- I don't wanna lose him.
- Are you suggesting the general settle for second best? Are you suggesting we should? [B.
You ever get the feeling there's a war going on? There's always a war going on.
War is the world's favorite spectator sport.
- Give me some more skin sutures.
- Everybody knows war is hell.
Remember, you heard it here last.
War isn't hell.
War is war, and hell is hell.
And of the two, war is a lot worse.
- How do you figure that, Hawkeye? - Easy, Father.
Tell me, who goes to hell? - Sinners, I believe.
- Exactly.
There are no innocent bystanders in hell.
But war is chockfull of them little kids, cripples, old ladies.
Except for a few of the brass, almost everybody involved is an innocent bystander.
Well, I'm not.
I'm here because my country needs me.
How do you know it wasn't just some excuse to ship you The Korean War was invented so your parents wouldn't come looking for you.
You're a pair of sickos! I'm not getting a pulse.
- No pulse.
- Amanda! Adrenaline! Bag 'im! Gloria! Bicarb! Where's the adrenaline? Into the I.
Come on! Come on, damn it! I'm gonna go inside.
Give me a knife.
Rib spreader! Hurry up! Hurry up! Come on.
Come on.
Live, damn it.
Don't let the bastard win.
I'm getting a pulse.
It's getting better.
All right.
Let's close up.
Chest tube.
- Pressure's coming up.
- [B.
Nice goin', Hawk.
- Klinger.
- Get the new sutures going.
- Congratulations, son.
- I guess it just wasn't his turn.
That's right.
If it had been his turn, you would've worked on him.
Comin' through! - Hey, do me a big favor, will ya, pal? - What, Doctor? - Move it or get it amputated.
- I beg your pardon? Don't beg.
Just get your butt outta here.
Give me the scissors.
You keep loading those sutures.
- Seen enough, Colonel? - A little hot-tempered, isn't he? Yes, and this is one of his cooler days.
Well, I told you Pierce wasn't the man you were looking for.
Fine doctor, but undisciplined.
I should add he hates brass.
I'll include that in my report to the general.
According to Pierce, the only medical attention generals require is a daily high colonic.
Have a good trip back.
Sorry you had to waste all this time.
- Listen, Potter.
- Yes, Colonel? In the operating room, when Pierce was trying to save that man's life, he said "Don't let the bastard win.
" Who was he talking about? Death.
When it comes to death, Pierce is a sore loser.
It's a part of life, part of war.
And we're soldiers.
Maybe we are, but Pierce isn't.
He's just humoring us by wearing that uniform.
He's one doctor who'll never be nonchalant where death is concerned.
He'll always take it personally.
He could crack up with that attitude.
You're right.
He's a good man to stay away from.
- Colonel.
- Sayonara.
Sometimes I get the feeling we're only a bunch of mechanics.
- Mechanics? - Sure.
Doctors fix people up, so they can go on living.
We fix them up, so they can go back and get killed.
We're running a body-and-fender shop at a demolition derby.
Well, I'm not a mechanic.
I'm a surgeon and a gentleman.
He uses the right fork and the wrong knife.
When his patient dies, he always says "Excuse me" before leaving the table.
There's nothing wrong with manners.
We all heard how Pierce talked to that visiting colonel.
He gave the 4077 th a black eye.
You gave it a black armband.
That man was a general's aide.
Where would we be without leadership? I'd be in the backseat of a '46 DeSoto "schnuggling" with Wanda Lamperski.
- Hi, Radar.
- Hey, Mulligan.
I hear you're going home.
I finally got my points.
First stop Seoul, and then I'm Bitter Creek bound.
- You're what? - Bitter Creek.
- A small town in Wyoming.
That's where I'm from.
- Oh.
I just wanted to tell you good-bye.
Hey, gee, thanks, Mulligan.
Good luck to you.
There is something I'd like you to do for me something I'd like you to take care of.
Yeah? Go ahead, sit down.
- What is it? - Well, it's, uh, very precious and, uh very beautiful.
Is it a bird or somethin'? Nah, it's a girl.
A girl? - You mean, a girl? - That's right.
Look, Radar, you're a real nice, gentle guy, and l I want you to be her friend.
Yeah? Well, her name's Mai Ping.
I've told her all about you.
She's waiting for you over at Rosie's Bar.
Oh, boy.
A real girl.
Mai Ping, this is Radar.
- Uh, O'Reilly.
- Radar O'Reilly.
Actually, my name is Walter, but only my mother calls me that.
Treat her nice, okay? Good-bye, Mai Ping.
Please sit down, Walter.
Thank you.
Oh, would you like a drink? They serve a nice grape Nehi here.
Oh, no, thank you.
- Are you from Korea? - Oh, yes.
I am Korean.
- And you? - I'm just here for the war.
It's a pretty country, except where it's bombed.
You have any hobbies? You like sports? Mmm, no, I don't.
- Uh, would you like to take a walk? - Yes.
Shall I show you my hut? Your what? Your hut? Now? - Yes.
- Oh, boy.
- Oh, can I help you? - Mmm.
- Hey, there's a baby in your basket.
- Yes, there is.
- Is he your brother? - He's my son.
Lee Chin.
- Lee Chin Mulligan? - Yes.
Ah, that's nice.
- [Baby Cooing.]
- Thank you.
Have you ever really considered the foot? Yeah, but I prefer girls.
Look at it.
The foot is an incredible thing.
- What's so hot about a foot? - You can stand on 'em.
You can walk on 'em.
You can kick people in the tush with 'em.
You sold me.
I'll take a pair in my size.
There are none in your size.
- Ah, welcome to our hovel.
- It's not much, but it's close to where we live.
- And only minutes to the nearest war.
- I'm glad you like it here.
- I nearly lost Hawkeye today.
- In a poker game? I'd never throw you into the pot unless I had at least two pair.
- Thank you, Colonel.
- Ever hear of General Korshak? Is he related to "General Chaos"? Same guy.
General Ted Korshak sent that colonel up here.
- That bozo in the O.
? - Yep.
Looking for a personal physician for the general.
- Why? - Prestige.
Found out some other three-star had his own doctor and decided he couldn't live without one.
Actually, for the doctor, it's easy duty.
You eat well, hotel beds, and the hours aren't bad.
- So the colonel was lookin' me over, huh? - Yep.
- And I blew my big chance.
- It was the way you acted in O.
He thought you were crude, rude and unmilitary.
- A triple threat.
- And I wasn't even wearing my swim fins.
You were absolutely disgraceful and I think I'll buy you a drink.
You're not gonna like him, General.
- Gave you a lot of static, huh? - Yes, sir.
- Downright insolent.
A real hardnose.
- That makes two of us.
- Hi, Radar.
- Oh, hi, Klinger.
How's it goin'? Marvelous.
I love peeling these little fellas.
- I'm considering it as a career.
- Oh, that's neat.
- Hey, Radar.
There's a new invention just came out.
- Yeah? It's really catching on.
It's called the bag.
Listen, Klinger, this isn't for me, you know? What do I care who they're for, as long as I don't have to peel 'em? - Oh.
- Take a couple more while we got 'em.
Little kids need eggs.
Thanks a lot, Klinger.
- How do you like bein' a father? - Oh, I'm not the father.
- I'm sort of the foster uncle.
- [Eggshells Cracking.]
Do kids like 'em scrambled? How's it feel to be a family man, Radar? - I worry a lot.
- What about? About the baby.
Geez, how's he gonna get along? I mean, he's so, uh He's so small and little.
Whenever I'm not with him, I worry.
And when I'm there, I worry even more.
- You're a good father, Radar.
- I'm not the father.
I know.
You're still a good father.
- What's it like being the real thing? - You worry a lot.
I get antsy if even a day goes by, and I don't see little Lee Chin.
And I'm just his uncle.
I mean, I'm not really his uncle, of course.
- Are you and Mai Ping - What? - Nothin'.
- Oh, no, nothin' like that.
We're just friends.
I envy you.
- Really? - Yeah.
Gee, and you a doctor and an officer.
You got a family, Radar.
Take my word for it.
It's better than either of those things.
Well, I really appreciate you coming along to give the baby a checkup.
- No problem.
- You know, sometimes he cries.
What do you think that is? You think he's just hungry or something? Could be, pal.
There's a lot of it goin' around.
This way, General.
Mildred, just another 14 months and 11 days till retirement.
- Ah! General.
- At ease, Colonel.
- Thank you, sir.
- General Korshak, Colonel Potter.
Pleased to meet you, General.
Is there anything I can do for you? - Well, you could put me out of my misery.
- I beg your pardon? - I'm parched.
- Oh, certainly.
- Colonel? - Thanks.
- Mmm.
Good scotch.
- Thank you, General.
Is that all you wanted? Sit down, Colonel.
You have a tough guy on your staff here, name of Pierce.
Bidwell tells me he's a piece of real live ammo.
Did the colonel tell you he hates generals more than watered gin and earaches put together? Me too.
Never met one yet that was worth his weight in Spam.
If Pierce wants an argument, he's gonna have to do a lot better than that.
- I think he can, General.
- Just what the doctor ordered.
I'd like to meet my new personal physician.
- Is he okay? - Fit as a fiddle and ready for love.
- What? - Lee Chin is just fine.
Thank you.
Would you like some tea? No, thanks.
I've gotta get back.
The army's a lot like the A.
A both frown on house calls.
- Here we are.
- Here we go.
Oh, what a big boy.
- Hey, B.
- Mm-hmm? I really appreciate this.
This was swell of ya.
No problem, Radar.
You have a beautiful family.
He's very healthy.
- Walter.
- Hmm? He looks like you.
- You think so? - Oh, yes.
He's very handsome.
Well, maybe the eyes.
I hear you're a real pistol, Doc.
Only when I'm loaded.
I'm not much of a doctor once you get to know me.
- According to Potter, you're the best.
- Well, the colonel drinks.
Only in groups of one or more.
What's your medical background, Captain? Typical.
I had all the childhood diseases.
Mumps, measles, colic you name it.
- You are insolent.
- Well.
Seriously, where'd you study? I never studied seriously.
If I hadn't cheated on the final exam and been a personal friend of the cadavers, I never would've graduated.
- And that was high school.
- This guy kills me.
What higher praise for a physician? I want this man.
Uh, General, I'd really rather not be your personal physician or your court jester, or whatever it is you're shopping for.
Do you realize what an opportunity I'm offering you, Captain? Sure.
The moon, the stars, your high school letterman's sweater.
Same deal I offered Nurse Baker last night.
Pierce, I have enough ribbons and medals to to cover that wall.
Well, bring 'em around.
It'll liven up the place.
I'm not movin' those pictures.
Ribbons and medals don't mean a thing.
These are a different matter.
- These you have to go out and get for yourself.
- You mean, they don't deliver? You don't get them by taking "no" for an answer.
- You see this? - What? There's supposed to be a medical insignia there, a caduceus.
I probably dropped it in a patient.
You know how I got that? I mean, if it was there.
- By working your butt off? - That's right.
So as long as I have to be in Korea why don't you let me do what I was trained to do be a doctor.
Let's see you in action.
[Air Hissing.]
- How is it, Doc? - It's awfully high.
You almost rang the bell.
- Blame it on the major.
- Thank you very kindly, sir.
I wonder whether you know my fiance Lieutenant Colonel Donald Penobscott.
He's stationed in Tokyo.
He's a great admirer of yours, General.
- I know a Penobscott no neck, one eyebrow.
- That's him! - One eyebrow? - Mmm.
- Over which eye.
- Both.
Oh, yeah.
- It's very sexy.
- Come on, General.
We'll take some dirty pictures of your lungs.
- You're really somethin'.
- [Door Opens.]
[Baby Coos.]
- Hi, sweetheart.
- Mulligan.
I got to Seoul.
I was practically on the plane when when I realized I couldn't leave you and the baby.
I love you, Mai Ping.
I love you, Mulligan.
I guess we can go to Bitter Creek together, huh? [Sighs.]
Bitter Creek sounds nice.
[Both Laughing.]
Hey, uh, thanks for, uh everything, Radar.
Oh, heck.
It wasn't everything.
I just took care of the baby.
That's all.
He's a terrific baby.
I didn't, uh There we go.
Oh, hey, listen.
I borrowed your slippers.
They're They're really nice.
I enjoyed them.
Um, I guess I don't have to put these on.
Colonel Potter needs me.
I'm sure.
I knew you were coming back.
I think that's terrific.
Um I gotta fill out the monthly report.
Okay, okay.
I'll do anything you say except give up my stogies and my scotch.
- Then I might as well sign on as your personal physician.
- Good.
- As long as I can come back here after the funeral.
- What funeral? Yours.
You're looking for a doctor to keep you alive and you're doing everything you can to kill yourself.
I'm in pretty good shape for a man my age.
- You are if you're 103.
- Not funny, Pierce.
The stroke that's headed your way is a lulu.
It could come today, tomorrow or next Tuesday.
- Or never, right? - Wrong.
Six months at the outside.
- How do you know that? - I'm a doctor.
See? - How do you know that? - I'm a doctor.
See? You got high blood pressure, General.
You drink, you smoke.
You're 20 pounds overweight without the medals.
There are two ways you can avoid a stroke.
One go to Tokyo, check into a hospital, start taking care of yourself.
- Two? - Sit on a land mine.
If you're trying to scare me, young man, you're not succeeding.
Look, you're lucky.
You have a choice.
Unlike the other guys who come through here, it's up to you whether you live or die.
Can't do it, Pierce.
I've got a war to fight.
Your next foxhole will be six feet deep.
You really lay it on with a shovel, don't you? - I'm not kidding! - Neither am I.
Start packing.
You'll get your orders.
- Driver.
- Wait a second.
No, no.
Hold it! Wait a minute! Hold it! - All right.
Hold it.
- Look, General if you take my advice, you can live to be an old Korshak.
But you don't need me hanging around counting your calories and putting out your cigar and listening to your liver hiccup.
There are a lot of boys who come through this place whose lives I can save if I'm here.
You guys always say the men come first.
Well, do they or don't they? They do.
All right, Pierce.
You stay here and do your job.
I'll do mine.
I can take orders too.
I'll have a corned beef on rye with mustard.
You're right.
The kid is a pistol.
Let's go.
Come on.
Don't forget the ribbons for the wall! Is it true, Colonel? General Korshak is still in the market for a personal physician? - That's right, Burns.
- I'm perfect for the job.
- I'd like your recommendation.
- You've got it.
- And mine.
- And mine.
- The motion's carried.
- [Giggling.]
I'd appreciate it, sir, if you'd send a letter to the general outlining my qualifications.
- Good idea.
- [Drawer Opens.]
- What are they? - I have a thriving practice back in Fort Wayne.
They're thriving 'cause Frank's not there.
- And a splendid war record.
- Should you mention the time - he dropped his bubble gum in the patient? - Bubble gum.
Or the time he sneezed and performed an accidental appendectomy.
- Fainted in O.
27 times.
- Threw up in post-op 12.
- Overslept 48.
- Colonel, you're not writing all that down? I'm getting it all.
It may help.
- The hysterectomy on that sergeant.
- Boy, was he sore about that.
- Colonel! I - Oh, let's not forget Major Houlihan.
Oh, Major Houlihan.
We shouldn't forget
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