M*A*S*H (MASH) s06e03 Episode Script

#A-B-C-D-E-F-G # - # H-l- J-K-L-M-N-O-P # - # L-M-N-O-P # # Q-R-S-T-U-V# #W # - #A-B-C-D-E-F ## - Radar, keep your alphabet to yourself.
- Somebody put "X" before "W.
" - I did.
- Why? - I lost my head in the heat of battle.
- [Phone Rings.]
- I got it! Beatcha! MASH 4077.
Colonel Potter.
Yes.
I'm the C.
O.
What? Well, that's impossible.
There must be some mistake.
I've seen the man work.
I can assure you, Colonel there is no need for an investigation.
Very well.
If you insist.
It's none of my business, sir, but your lips are turning white.
Provost marshal's office.
They're sending a colonel up here to investigate B.
J.
- Wow! - Claim he's an impostor, not a doctor.
Ooh! He took some blood out of my arm the other day.
Radar, the man's a doctor.
Whoa, Habibi! Easy! Easy, Habibi! [Trills.]
Whoa, Habibi! Easy! Easy, Habibi! [Trills.]
- Don't bump your humps.
- What do you want? Bad timing, my faithful camel.
- Camel, my butt.
- [Shushing, Trilling.]
Isn't she a magnificent beast? A two-humper.
Easy.
Easy.
Whoa, Habibi.
Whoa.
Stop that! Sorry, sir.
High-spirited camels spit.
- Why is it Tuesdays are always the worst? - Isn't she a beauty, sir? Those gleaming yellow teeth, set against her brown camel-hair coat.
Klinger, I'm gonna write home to my mom about this one.
With Habibi's permission, oh "bespeckled" one of the pale flesh.
Look at her, Colonel.
Gracious transportation with economy.
A thousand miles per hump.
- Klinger, I got a big problem.
Now blow.
- As you command, sahib.
Come, oh faithful ship of the desert.
Ah! Ah! Ah! [Trills.]
Ah! I can hear the call of the oasis now.
[Trills, Grunts.]
Sir, I know there was no camel in here, but there's a smell.
Lebanese aftershave.
[Chattering.]
[Jet Passes Overhead.]
- Two trays, Klinger? - One for me and one for my camel, Habibi.
Oh.
Is your camel with you? Right at my side.
I surmised that was the case.
Klinger, can I make a personal observation? Sure.
Oh! Cease! Stop curling your lips.
You'll get your potatoes.
If you'd take all the energy you devote to these discharge schemes and put it into prayer the war would be over and you'd be home.
My Toledo priest is working on that.
Hold the meat loaf.
A camel is not a carnivore.
[Trills.]
No spitting.
Watch the spitting.
[Chuckles.]
Ah, tapioca! But if you want the finest tapioca in the world, get thee to a nunnery.
So why don't I drop over to your tent around 9:30 tonight? I'll bring a canteen of gin and some Fig Newtons and, uh, we'll, uh - Cheese it, the cops.
- Hawkeye.
- Father.
- Jennifer.
- Father.
- Don't let me interrupt.
- Oh, no.
Nothing important.
We were discussing the ups and downs of doctor/nurse relationships.
- Always the professional.
- Oh, yeah.
- Sir, can I eat? It's meat loaf.
- Enjoy the mystery.
- Hawkeye, where's B.
J.
? - Am I my doctor's keeper? I've got to see him.
Something very important.
- What's up? - There's a provost marshal coming here.
He's going to investigate B.
J.
Claims he's an impostor, not a doctor.
I could have told you that.
He's a piano player in a bawdy house.
- Wild talk today.
- Your tapioca's blushing.
I told this colonel it's crazy, but they're still investigating.
- Who's investigating? - The provost marshal.
- Who? Me? - You.
- Say you're not a doctor.
- Shucks, I knew they'd find out.
- Excuse me.
- Don't go.
After B.
J.
Exposes himself - there's gonna be dancing.
- Oh, sure.
- It goes on and on.
- I think he's a spy.
- Are you a spy? - I'm not allowed to say.
Pierce, I've had a bad day.
What league are the Brooklyn Dodgers in? - League of Women Voters.
- So far he's right.
Who got down on one knee and sang "Mammy"? - Father Mulcahy.
- Right again.
I prefer to observe rather than participate in this.
Colonel Potter, I must talk to you right away.
- Is it medical? - No, it's personal.
- Not now, Major.
- It's important! It's always important! When's the last time I came to you? I ask so little.
- And she gives so much.
- You stay out of this! - I'm out! I'm out! - Please, Colonel, I must see you right away.
All right.
In my office in half an hour.
The army has no gratitude.
- Talk to the owners.
- Listen, you guys, serious up.
That colonel will be here this afternoon.
Come on.
This is ridiculous.
The army has all my credentials Acme Medical School.
Residency at Joe's Hospital and Auto Supply.
And then there's my practice at Schultz's Mortuary.
I know all that, but this Colonel What's-his-name Bardonaro sounded pretty sure of himself.
[Chuckles.]
W-Wait a minute.
Is that Leo Bardonaro? - That's the bird.
- [Laughs.]
The spy laughed, refusing both cigarette and blindfold.
Leo Bardonaro is an old friend of mine from Stanford.
Stationed not far from here.
He lives for practical jokes.
I knew there had to be a herring in the pickle barrel.
This whole bit must be his way of saying he's gonna come see me this afternoon.
- You're not a spy? - Sorry.
You've ruined my whole evening.
I was gonna take a date to your execution.
- [Brakes Squeak.]
- Yeah.
You gotta watch out for this guy.
You never know what he's gonna do.
He was best man at my wedding.
Formal occasion, so he wore a white towel and black tie.
- No carnation? - My honeymoon, he put a lizard in my alligator bag.
- So your bag wouldn't be lonely.
- Naturally.
Yo, B.
J.
! - Leo! Hey, how you doing? - Great.
Great.
Good to see you.
Leo Bardonaro, Hawkeye Pierce.
Uh Just checking for a hand buzzer.
Oh, come on.
Kid stuff.
No imagination.
Hey, listen.
You really had our C.
O.
Going crazy earlier.
Really? That's great.
- How 'bout a belt? - Uh, did he make it? No, no, no.
I manufacture.
He's just a shipping clerk.
- Oh, good.
Cigar? - No, thanks.
- Oh.
B.
J.
? - Sure.
What, are you crazy? It's probably loaded.
Kid stuff.
We gave that up 10 years ago.
Our practical jokes are creative.
We don't put bombs in cigars.
It spoils the taste.
I'll take that one.
- Eh - Here.
Gimme that.
Here.
Hey, remember that time in the dean's office? Mmm! [Laughs.]
One time One time we stole a taxicab.
Took it apart completely and put it back together in the dean's office.
- With the meter running, I hope.
- Ran it up to 800 bucks.
Mm.
[Coughs.]
What do you call this stuff? - Old underwear.
- Strained through G.
I.
skivvies.
- Terrific.
- Leo, what brings you up to the boonies? - I'm goin' home.
- [Groans.]
Hey, I had to say good-bye.
Got my orders in my jacket.
I'm heading stateside.
- You dog.
I would give anything to go home.
- What, are you homesick? He cries himself to sleep so often, he's gotta wear water wings to bed.
It's lucky you bunk with a guy that's got a sense of humor.
He's serious.
Hey, I got a plane to catch.
What time is it? - It's 1:30.
- 1:30.
Bye.
Wait a sec.
You just got here.
Well, listen.
I gotta cut it short.
If you're ever in America, be sure and look me up.
I'm in the book.
- Where do you live? - What Where do I live? Philly.
My father's in Crabapple Cove, Maine.
Would you call him, Leo? Why? Is his name Leo too? No jokes.
Just tell him I'm fine, and I'm happy he's not here.
Glad to do it.
Sure.
Hey, B.
J.
- Hey, Leo.
All right, buddy.
- Take care of yourself.
- [Both Grunt.]
- I'll call Peg as soon as we land in Frisco.
- Would you? I'd appreciate that.
- I couldn't resist the provost marshal bit.
- No problem.
No problem.
- Sorry, fella.
- Hawkeye, it's been a pleasure.
- Me too.
- [Hand Buzzer Buzzes.]
- [Yells.]
Bye.
Yo! He gotcha! He gotcha! [B.
J.
Laughing.]
- [Jeep Departing.]
- [Cigar Explodes.]
[Laughs.]
Oh, he gotcha! But I must get to Tokyo.
I must see Donald! - No, I can't spare you.
- Three days! Nope.
- Colonel, may I be clinical? - Shoot.
It's important for Donald's morale and personal well-being.
You see, Donald is a man, and you know how men are.
You've been away from Mrs.
Potter a long time.
Surely, you must feel yearnings.
Yeah, she does make a hell of a raisin cupcake.
You've forgotten what it's like to be young! Listen, missy, I don't take those cold showers just 'cause I'm dirty.
Well, then you do understand.
I mean, Donald is very virile.
- Here's the supply record.
- Will you butt out! This is man talk! I'm sorry, sir! Colonel, please, let me put it another way.
- How's he doing? - His vital signs still aren't stable.
Give him another unit of plasma and continue I.
V.
s as ordered.
[Clears Throat.]
Uh, Captain Hunnicutt? The tall chap in the bowling shoes.
I know who he is.
These M.
P.
s wanna see him.
B.
J.
, didn't you see the No Parking sign by the latrine? I only stopped to mail a letter.
I only stopped to mail a letter.
- Captain Hunnicutt? - The same.
We're from the provost marshal, and I'm sorry to say you're under arrest, sir.
[Chuckles.]
Bardonaro again.
- His way of saying good-bye? - Probably.
Look, uh, Sergeant.
This is all a big joke.
I'm very busy.
- We've got a lot of people to tend to here.
- Captain, this is no joke.
Here's the arrest order.
[Snickers.]
By order of Major General Fox? Who's Fox? Short, red-haired guy with the long nose, steals chickens.
I'm afraid you'll have to come along, Captain.
- Oh, bull! - Now, sir.
- Blow, will you? I'm busy.
- I-I'll get the colonel.
Look, guy.
This is all a joke.
Forget it and I'll get you some silk stockings.
- Sorry.
- Then how about some for your girl? I went to school with this guy.
He's a captain.
Biggest practical joker in the world.
Do you read me? Bottle of scotch? How about a free operation? Appendix? Gallstones? What's this about one of my surgeons being arrested? - It's got to be Bardonaro again.
- Let me see the order.
"Willful misconduct"? This is no practical joke.
This is a bona fide charge.
Enough of this fooling around.
Let's get down to some serious bribery.
How about $14 in unmarked bills? - You're in serious trouble.
- Mm-hmm.
I'll get on the switchboard so you can call Major General Fox.
- [Potter Echoing Radar.]
- [Clanging.]
Klinger, take your shovel and hit the road.
- Just cleaning up the mess my Habibi made, sir.
- Bull.
- Oh, no, sir, camel.
- Out.
- As you command.
- [Radar.]
General Fox is on the line, sir.
General Fox? Sherm Potter.
Right.
The M.
P.
s are here now.
What's this all about, Fred? He what? Girls? Steaks? Naked in the tub? Oh, in the hall.
Can't be.
He was here.
What proof? We'll be there.
Good-bye, General.
- What? - Supposedly, 10 days ago in Seoul - the general was staying at the Grand Hotel.
- The Grand Central Hotel.
In the next room, you were throwing a wild party Ioud music with a bunch of bimbos.
- I thought we were friends.
Why wasn't I invited? - You? I wasn't even invited.
Then you went out on the balcony and barbecued steaks.
Teriyaki steaks on a hibachi.
Radar, were you listening on the other phone? A little.
Well, the general's room filled with smoke, somebody yelled "Fire," and forced the general and his secretary to run into the hallway, naked.
- Naked? - He, uh - was dictating to her.
- Mm.
Uh, in the bathtub.
Oh, sure.
And chickens have pyorrhea.
- Colonel, I was here 10 days ago.
- With me.
- We were having a company sock wash.
- Who was there? - The dirty sock crowd.
- Colonel, I have orders to get the prisoner back by 2100 hours.
- Okay, okay.
- What do you mean okay? You're gonna give in to a naked general when I got wounded in post-op? A naked general still outranks a dressed wound.
- We'll cover for you, Beej.
- Let's go, Captain.
Uh, can I say something? Uh, Captain Hunnicutt - Mm-hmm.
- I'll write you every day, sir.
Thank you, Radar.
Even if you're there for three years.
Thank you, Radar.
Don't worry, son.
We'll have this cleared up before you know it.
This whole thing is so stupid! - That's exactly what Dreyfus said.
- Buzz off.
Now, look, son.
We'll gather up all the work logs.
We've got plenty of proof you were here.
Hawkeye and I'll be along as quick as we can.
B.
J.
, I just heard.
Here.
Take these rosary beads.
- Thank you, Father.
I'm not Catholic.
- It can't hurt.
If it doesn't work, you can use them to strangle the guard.
[Engine Starts.]
We'll be about an hour behind you.
I'll come on a conjugal visit.
Knock off the didoes, Pierce.
We've got work to do.
I'll need you as a witness.
- Anything I can do? - Pray.
Oh.
That's all I ever get to do.
- Colonel Potter, I must talk to you.
- Not now.
But you've got to let me go to Tokyo.
I must see Donald.
If I don't, Donald'll go crazy.
- Major, we've got a crisis! - So has Donald! Pierce, there might be some duty logs in post-op.
Aye, aye.
Margaret, I have a prescription for your problem.
- Oh.
- A tall, dark surgeon with the hands of Paganini - and the eyes of George Raft.
- I'm a married person.
- Get going, Pierce.
- Uh-huh.
Shave and put on your class "A" uniform.
Got it.
Bow tie and saddle shoes.
Colonel, I'm begging you.
I sympathize with you, Major.
Your Colonel Penobscott is away from the one he loves.
So tell him to take two laps around Tokyo preferably in a cold rain.
[Jet Passing Overhead.]
[Grunts.]
Habibi! [Klinger Muttering, Trilling.]
Ha! [Trills, Grunts.]
- You sure you put everything in there? - Yes, sir.
- Daily reports and duty logs.
- Good man.
I also put in some of your ear swabs, sir.
Good.
I wax up on these trips.
Where the hell is Hawkeye? Captain Pierce! Keep shouting like that, you'll break your glasses.
Sorry I'm late.
My zipper was mildewed.
Let's go.
Left at Chang Yung, right to Miju left at Chikchisa, then Yang Pong into Seoul.
Got all that? - I'll follow the yellow brick road.
- Whatever.
- Hi.
- Shut up.
Get a call through to my husband Lieutenant Colonel Donald Penobscott, H.
Q.
, Second Army Division, Tokyo.
Oh, sorry, ma'am, colonel's orders.
No personal calls until after 1700 hours.
How would you like to be up to your knees in floor? Roger.
Sparky? Sparky! Oh, hi, Sparky.
It's Radar.
Listen, I gotta get through to Tokyo.
- Oh? - What? Uh, Sparky, this is top priority.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Um, I'm sorry, ma'am.
One of their generators burned out and they won't get another frequency till after midnight.
- [Screams.]
- [Screams.]
Oh, look what you've done! My in-going and my outgoing.
- Now it's all in my out.
- Stuff it, you little shrimp! - What l - No! No, no, no.
- Ma'am, ma'am, this is all official stuff.
- I'm sick of it! - I'm sick of all of you! - Oh, no! - I'm sick of the army! - That's all in alphabetical order! For Pete's sake! "Oh, we need you, Houlihan.
We need you.
" Always me! Always me! Why? Why? Why? Well, you've been in the army a long time.
You're older.
Thanks for nothing! You're very dependable and kind to the enlisted.
This man occupied a hotel room adjacent to mine.
He created an inordinate amount of smoke, interrupting my official dictation motivating me into a drafty hallway.
But, General, the duty logs, the daily reports.
Everything shows that Captain Hunnicutt was at the 4077.
Well, anybody could have signed those.
That's the oldest dodge in the army.
- I have Captain Pierce as a witness.
- He was with me in surgery.
I took some shell fragments out of a South Korean soldier.
Right.
That corporal who gave you the water buffalo horn for an ashtray.
What time were you two supposed to be in surgery? Uh, right here.
Um, 0600 to 1117.
Plenty of time to get to Seoul by chopper.
He never left camp.
We had a company sock wash that night.
Colonel, did you witness this company sock wash? Uh, it was for the younger crowd.
General, we have overwhelming evidence.
So do I.
Photostat of the hotel register.
"B.
J.
Hunnicutt and a party of favorites"? Sir, that's not my signature.
That signature could be forged.
The oldest dodge in the army.
All boils down to your word against ours.
What do these say to you? Always trust your car to the man who wears a star.
- Clam up, Captain! - [Hawkeye Mumbles.]
I have additional evidence.
Hunnicutt, you left in such a hurry, you left your hat.
- Sir, that's not my hat.
- Put it on.
General, I have never seen this hat as long as my head has lived.
There's one way to prove it.
Put it on.
It's his hat, all right.
[Potter.]
Let's celebrate our victory over the brass.
Pull over under that tree, Hawkeye.
- Rest stop! - B.
J.
, break out one of those bottles.
You got it! Practical jokes.
You can have them.
- That miserable Bardonaro.
- Ahh! That'll clean your rifle barrel.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Easy, Hawkeye, easy.
Don't talk to the driver while he's drinking.
- Practical jokes are really cruel.
- Right.
- Right.
Vicious.
- Right.
- Sadistic.
- I couldn't agree more.
If I ever see that Bardonaro again, I'll break every sadistic bone in his body.
Ah, you'll see him again.
Remember when I took his coat? - Huh? - In the Swamp, with the cigar bit? - I took his coat? - Yeah? I swiped his travel orders.
Colonel Potter? Colonel Potter, I gotta speak to you.
Get rid of this dead soldier, soldier.
- Sir, but I still gotta speak to you.
- You walk funny.
- Poor toilet training.
- Colonel, this is important.
- Radar, baby.
Kiss me, you fool.
- Whew! Holy mackerel.
Colonel, you gotta do something about Major Houlihan.
- An officer and a gentleman.
- You gotta let her see her husband or something.
You know what she did? She kicked me and then she messed up my files from "M" to "Z" and everything.
- And then she got mad.
- Colonel Potter! - Oh! - Say no more.
You've convinced me.
Get packed.
You're going to Tokyo.
Give my love to Donald.
[Shrieks.]
You know, I like a major with hot lips.
- And I'll tell you why.
- Why? Exactly.
- Did I fall down? - No.
I didn't think so.
Klinger.
Klinger.
Klinger.
Ah, Colonel, sahib.
You have returneth.
Good news, bugle beak.
I brought a discharge from Seoul.
Oh, be still my throbbing heart.
It's for the camel.
He can pack his humps and leave anytime.
It's always the other guy.
[Trills.]
[Chattering, Chuckling.]
[Laughing.]
Oh, Leo! Oh, you! - You creep! - Hey, look, fellas.
I'm really sorry about the General Fox thing.
Okay? Sorry don't feed the bulldog.
- No, seriously.
I'm very sorry.
- Uh-huh.
I didn't know General Fox was right next door.
[Mock Laughing.]
- B.
J.
? - Yeah.
- Can I have my travel orders back? - Tr-Travel orders? What travel orders? I haven't seen any travel or - Have you seen any travel orders? - I saw my first robin.
Come on, Beej.
I haven't seen my folks for two years.
- Oh, poor guy.
- Oh, really? - Come on.
Come on.
- All right.
All right.
- No, no, no, no.
Don't do it.
- It's okay.
- On one condition.
- Yo.
We shake hands and promise no more practical jokes.
Okay, okay, deal.
Gimme the papers.
- Don't forget the handshake.
- Right.
Right.
- Ah! - Ah! [Both Stammering.]
- Oh, you [Mutters.]
- All right.
All right.
- Here.
- Like I said, I'll call Peg.
Okay.
Good.
Leo, you [Laughs.]
- How do we get to Kimpo Air Base? - It's, um No, I don't have any wheels.
Wheels! Take our jeep.
It's parked in front of the hospital.
- It's all gassed up.
- It's all gassed up.
- I don't know how to thank you guys.
- I do.
Blow.
Yo.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, oh, Hawkeye, the tent is spinning around.
- Which way? - Clockwise.
Mine's going counterclockwise.
Maybe together we're sober.
[Chuckles.]
- Hi.
Hey, B.
J.
- Huh? - While you was away, this mail come for you.
- Okay.
Thank you, Radar.
- Bardonaro! - Bardonaro, you creep! Bardonaro! You see Look what he did.
[Laughs.]
Look what I got.
A bill from that hotel in Seoul, in my name for damages 580 bucks.
[Laughing.]
We What the hell are we laughing at? Well, he'll be walking back here in about an hour.
He'll be walking back? The only thing gassed up in that jeep was us.
- To my dear wife.
- To my darling wife.
To Goldie, the waitress at Barney's Bar and Grill.
- [Knocking.]
- Come in.
- Hi.
- Well, look who's back.
- [Potter.]
How was Tokyo? - Oh - Never mind Tokyo.
How's Donald? - He's in wonderful shape.
- He's so relaxed now.
- Good.
Is that a jug? Thank you for giving me leave.
Thank you.
Well, if you'll excuse me, I have some things to rinse out.
- [Hawkeye.]
Would you do my underwear? - [B.
J.
.]
And my socks? [Laughs.]
Another time, Captains.
- Huh.
- Didn't even get a rise out of her.
She's no fun when Donald's relaxed.