M*A*S*H (MASH) s06e14 Episode Script

Y118 - The Merchant of Korea

This needs more heat.
Put it in the sun.
- You want it fermented, not melted.
- Don't argue with me.
- I majored in this.
- Top fifth of your class? Sir? Captain Hunnicutt - Radar, not so loud.
You wanna bruise it? - I'm sorry.
- Shh.
- Hold on to your livers.
I'm going in for a taste.
- [Coughing.]
- How can you sirs do that to yourselves? - Everybody's gotta have a hobby, Radar.
- Ours is committing suicide.
What do you got? Hopefully, one air conditioner.
Oh, no, it's a telegram from your wife.
You know, Mrs.
Hunnicutt? - Telegram? - Yeah.
- Just phoned it in.
- It's in Korean.
No, that's my handwriting.
"Dorman ready to sell us our acre in Stinson Beach.
Need $200 by the 15th for down payment.
Love, Peg.
" Radar, stop.
- Yahoo! - Sir, people are looking! - I can't believe it! - Good news? Peg and I have wanted this property ever since we were married.
It's got trees, the beach, a view of San Francisco, everything! Sounds all right if you're willing to settle for everything.
The 15th? Hawk, today's the 15th! I gotta have this money today, and I don't have it.
Well, don't look at me.
I just spent my last five bucks on a subscription toFrolicking Nudists.
Saved 50 cents off the newsstand price.
- Radar, could you - Sixteen dollars and 27 cents.
- But it's all yours.
- Well, that's a start.
You can get a tree with a view.
Damn! Now somebody else will buy that land and put up a shopping center.
## [Whistling.]
Uh, speaking of that somebody - Good morning, Charles.
- Good morning, gentlemen.
- Corporal.
- Warm today, isn't it, Charles? - I wouldn't know.
- Charles, B.
Needs $200.
Lend him some, will ya? - Very subtle, Hawk.
- $200? That's a lot of money.
- Not for you, sir.
- Of course not for me.
I was referring to Pierce's depleted friend.
Charles, I need it to make a down payment on some property that's very important to me.
I don't know.
It would mean parting with most of my ready cash.
I like to stay liquid.
- Hence, the rubber sheets.
- Slip back into your coma, Pierce.
It's a matter of life or death.
Look, tomorrow's payday.
You'll have it back in your hand just as soon as I get paid.
Well, you obviously can't leave town.
Charles, I'll be indebted to you for the rest of my life.
It'll take him that long to pay you back.
- Radar - Don't hug me.
Get this money to Peg.
- I'm halfway there already.
- I'm depending on you.
Oh, sir? Congratulations, and many more of 'em.
- Go, go, go, go! - All right! Fine.
- This calls for a toast.
- Of that? Mother Pierce's Liquid Land Mine.
- You sip it.
- You sip it through a fuse.
Thank you, no.
I make it a point never to consume anything that's been aged in a radiator.
He knows what he's missing.
- To God's little acre.
- And his gardener.
[Man On P.
Attention! Attention! Incoming wounded.
First medical team report to the chopper pad.
Well, celebrate fast around here.
- [Potter.]
Ready for the next one, Klinger.
- Captain Pierce got the last guy.
Please, take the rest of the siege off.
Okay, if anyone wants me, I'll be in my tent marinating the old bunions.
- [B.
Bon "appe-feet.
" - Corny.
Take it away, Klinger.
The leg goes in traction.
Ladies first.
Roy! - See you for dinner, Beej? - Our little spot.
Hunnicutt, could I trouble you for a consultation? On my way.
This small bowel look perforated to you? I can't see it.
Retract the liver.
Both my hands are tied up at the moment.
Could you do it? As long as I'm in the neighborhood.
Fresh gloves.
So, you're moving up to real estate, eh? Stinson Beach is not real estate.
It's heaven with a view.
Dad owned some property like that once.
Out on the Cape.
Gee, we loved to go there.
Then this large family moved in next door.
Nouveau riche.
Played a perpetual game of touch football on their lawn.
Naturally, we moved out.
They'll let those nouveaus live anywhere.
I've got some photos of my property, if you're interested.
Of course I'm not interested.
You know, you were extremely fortunate that I was around with that money.
- Thanks again.
- Oh, don't-don't mention it.
It did work out well for you though.
No perforations here.
- Good.
Do me a small favor? - If it's small enough.
- Just kidding, Charles.
What is it? - Uh, close the patient for me.
- Well, it's your patient.
- Just this once.
I'm due in post-op in half an hour.
I'd really like to grab a little bite first.
That's not the usual procedure, Charles.
Just this once? It's been a long day what with casualties, business transactions.
Go grab your bite.
Thank you.
I think I should've stolen the money.
And here, where this rock is, will be the living room.
- Or maybe the garage.
- I hope you make up your mind before you lay down carpeting.
Good morning, Charles.
Good morning, B.
- No, I do not want to look at your land.
- You're jealous.
Olive drab with envy.
- Ahh.
- What time's pay? At 11:00 or 1100 hours.
I can never keep that straight.
We have time to enjoy breakfast and still recover from it.
Which one of these shirts goes best with my pants? - Uh, the green one.
- You're right.
It matches my skin.
Hurry up, okay? Yeah.
Hunnicutt, before you leave, I sure could go for a cup of coffee.
So go.
Pot's on the stove.
See, I'd like to, but I have this bad back.
Would you be a good egg and pour me a cup? Winchester, is this some kind of game? Game? "Close for me.
" "Get me a cup of coffee.
" I have the feeling I've become your $200 houseboy.
Well, I'm certainly surprised at your attitude.
If you feel that way about it, I'll get it.
It's just a simple little thing, for heaven's sake.
Ooh! Please, leave.
- Anything else? - No.
Take it black.
See you at 11:00.
Are you still in Korea? I thought you got smart and went home.
Can you believe the nerve of that guy? Wait.
Don't tell me.
Let me guess.
"Oh, Hunnicutt, since I lent you that money would you be a good sport and simonize my head?" - Don't give him any ideas.
- You're a schnook.
That's nice.
You're the kind of guy who lets that kind of guy get to you.
So you massage the clown's ego for 24 hours.
What do you care? You're still the one with the Golden Gate in your backyard.
You're right.
You know, sometimes it takes a simple mind like yours - to work things out.
- I'm glad I could be of help.
- Hunnicutt, do get the door.
- Of course.
Thank you.
Donald has a brilliant system.
I send him my pay, and he sends me an allowance of $30 a week.
- It's a swell system.
- He says by the time the war is over we'll have saved enough to buy our off-post dream house.
- When we got ours, it came with a mother-in-law.
- Ah.
Fortunately for me, World War I started the next day.
Sang Mu is waiting behind Rosie's.
- Hot dog! - Who's Sang Mu? Korea's answer to Marshall Field's.
Six floors of merchandise jammed into one ricksha.
Part of my pay's going to a spiffy blanket for my little mare.
- I think she's using you.
- Wait'll you see the string of pearls Sang Mu set aside for me.
- Klinger, when are you gonna give up this inane masquerade? - Ask him.
Sir, permission to whisper in your ear? - What's the problem? - [Whispering.]
What do you mean, there's not enough pay? That Never mind that.
Just spit it out, son.
Headquarters in Tokyo fouled up and sent part of our pay to a bakery unit in Guam.
It's gonna take at least a week to straighten it all out.
- [All Shouting.]
- At ease, at ease.
Shut 'em up.
All right, Radar, take whatever money came pool it, and pay off the enlisted men until the well runs dry.
- [Cheering.]
- Colonel, what about the officers? - S.
, Major.
- To hell with regulations! Ooh, Major.
Don't yell at my bird.
I'm sorry, sir.
It's just that Donald will be so disappointed.
Forget about Donald.
What am I gonna do about Winchester? Simple.
Ask for a second mortgage.
Sweetheart, I'm only asking for a week's advance.
It's not as if it were my fault, darling.
Listen, Donald, I send you every paycheck.
You can shoot some back for once.
Then cash in one of our lousy savings bonds! - It's been five minutes, Major.
- How would you like me to stuff this up your nose? No, thank you, ma'am.
But we do sort of need our telephone.
- You'll get it when I get off! Now, get out! - Right.
I cannot believe you are gonna be this cheap.
What? A guy can't even have his own office.
What? I hope your colonel's well.
I think it's about time we made some changes in our little system.
Send the money! Donald, don't you dare hang up on me! You just sit there and listen to this! Love's a wonderful thing, son.
Oh, Colonel.
- Donald and I were merely - Say no more, Major.
Why don't you hold back a few dollars from your pay? - Uh, from now on, I will.
- You're learning.
I appreciate the advice, sir.
- Advice is cheap.
- So is Colonel Donald.
- How dare you! - Well, you said it first.
Excuse me.
Twerp! That fella's married to a live grenade.
He's lucky.
He's in Tokyo, out of range.
- You want to send a telegram to Mrs.
Potter? - Radar, I want to send - Must be important.
- It's kind of important.
- Shoot, sir.
- She's gotta send me 50 bucks or I'll lose Sophie's new blanket.
- I could lend you the money, sir.
- Oh, nice gesture, son.
- But it wouldn't be right.
- Why not? - 'Cause you I'd have to pay back.
- Better believe it.
I mean, uh, you're right again, sir.
##[Jazz On Radio.]
Looks like you're gonna be my only business this whole week, sir.
- What'll you have? - A little peace and quiet.
- [Shuts Off Radio.]
- Hey, what'd you do that for? That was "Manana.
" Frankly, Sergeant, that aboriginal noise that you call music makes me want to upchuck.
- Don't you have any Rachmaninoff? - Nah.
- We don't get any vodka here, sir.
- [Door Opens.]
- Let's find another Officers Club.
- Come on.
- Is he still bothering you? - Yes, he is.
- That's childish and chicken.
- Is not.
- Is too.
- Is not.
Is too.
Childish and chicken.
Come here.
It's a little quiet in here.
- Let's have some music.
- ## [Jazz.]
- [Groans.]
- Mind if we join you, stranger? It's a semi-free country.
Charles, congratulations on that splenectomy this morning.
That was really great work.
- Well, thank you, Pierce.
- It's 120 degrees.
Why aren't you sweating? In the first place, I don't sweat.
I perspire.
And in the second place, I don't perspire.
Beers for everybody, Zale.
- You payin'? - Yeah, just put it on my tab.
- In that case, the bar's closed.
- The bar is what? Captain, you've already run up a tab of - Can you believe this guy? - After all you owe him.
You better not come down with anything I can cure.
No cash, no firewater.
- I'm starting not to like Korea.
- Just a moment, Pierce.
Let me handle this, please.
Here you are, Zelmo.
That should clear his ledger.
Charles, sometimes you can be a real prince.
- Said the pauper.
- Three beers, Zale.
- Just two.
- Stick around.
- We'll talk about all the old times we're gonna have.
- Perhaps manana.
- You'll be sorry.
- Don't be crazy.
- Winchester, thanks again.
- Oh, don't-don't mention it.
Uh, Pierce, I could use that beer a little later.
- Anytime.
- Good.
I'll be off duty around 10:00.
Be a good chap, bring it to me in the Swamp, all right? I have the uneasy feeling I've just been had.
Perhaps that's because you've just been had.
He actually ordered me to get him a beer.
- You actually said, "Anytime.
" - The nerve of that guy! - You're being childish and chicken.
- I am not.
- Are too.
- Am not! Are too.
Childish and chicken.
- The nerve of that guy! - Sit down, will ya? - You're scuffing the dirt.
- Who does he think he is, the Merchant of Korea? Stop crying.
It's only a pound of flesh.
- A pound of flesh, my butt.
- Wherever.
What do you suppose the sentence is for firing an officer out of a Howitzer? ##[Humming.]
Very pretty.
Spike Jones? Hardly.
It's the drinking song from the first act of La Traviata.
- Here.
Sing this.
- Ah.
Thank you, P A bit warm.
- Bring up the Howitzer.
- Relax, will ya? Take it easy.
- Let's play cards.
- I don't wanna play cards.
Of course you do.
A little game at the Officers Club.
Just the usual crowd you, me, Charles Charles? Charles! Perfect.
- How about a little poker? - Oh, thank you, no.
It's not really my game.
Now, if you had a cribbage board Sorry, there's only one in the whole country, and they're using that at the peace talks.
If the stakes bother you, we could play penny ante.
What's the point of playing at all? - How about dollar ante? - Well, all right.
But I must warn you, I'm a very lucky person.
Oh, we all are.
That's why we're in Korea.
- Let's round everybody up.
- Before you can say, "A pair of deuces.
" [Hawkeye Laughing Sinisterly.]
- That was a stroke of genius.
- True.
Now how do we stake ourselves? - We beg.
- Bad knees.
You take the high road.
I'll take the low road.
And I'll be in the chips before you.
- Halt! Who goes there? - Ask me nice.
- Captain Pierce? - Probably.
How would you like to make a lot of money? Of course.
What kind of a psycho do you think I am? Hunnicutt and I are getting up a poker game.
- We've invited Winchester to be the rube of honor.
- Ooh! I'm in! Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Before you hit the casino - can you make a donation to the underprivileged? - You? - Me.
- Hey, you can have the blouse off my back.
Just the money.
I really should stay here.
My sermon still needs a big finish.
We've got a rookie in the lineup tonight.
Charles Emerson Winchester.
- Is he any good? - What do you think? I'll ad-lib the ending.
- [Hawkeye.]
Oh, Major? - I'm not here.
Oh, I love what you've done with this room.
Did you make a special trip over here just to harass me? Well, that and to ask for your hand in a poker game.
Poker game? [Chuckles.]
Look around you.
I can't even afford the buck and a half to have my laundry done.
- Do what I do wear the same thing every day.
- Yuck.
Margaret, take the advice of an old and trusted lech.
Hunt up some money from your nurses and join in the fun.
We're turning Winchester into "Losechester.
" Charles? He doesn't play poker.
- Not after tonight.
- Oh! That's unfair.
It's practically robbery.
With a little money, you could have all this folded professionally.
- When do we start? - We ante up in the Officers Club in 10 minutes.
- Colonel - I heard.
I heard.
I'll see you at the table.
- Radar.
- Buzz off.
- Radar! - Buzz off.
I'm sleeping.
Colonel! Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I don't know who I'm buzzing off when I'm asleep.
Quite all right.
Son, I wanna take you up on that loan.
- Now? - A hot poker game waits for no man.
Ooh! How hot is it, sir? - Major Winchester's sitting in.
- Major Winchester? Is it okay if I save some so I can get in it? Radar, around our house we always carve the ham equally.
That's wonderful, sir.
Is it okay if I save some so I can get in it? Of course.
I should've found a way to tell you that.
'Round and 'round they go.
Here come the cards.
There goes your dough.
Major Houlihan, I'm really surprised to see you sitting in on this game.
Oh, a little poker always relaxes me.
- Hurry up with those cards! - Okeydokey.
- ## [Humming.]
- Nu? Oh, my.
Well, I'll, uh, hmm, open for 10.
- I'm in.
- Call.
Replacements, anybody? Oh, gee.
Well, I'll I'll take four.
Very good, Charles.
You're starting with one of a kind.
- Two.
- [Klinger.]
I'll see that and raise 10.
- [Potter.]
Give me one.
- Keep it in your garter, Klinger.
The bullpen's over there.
- Thought you were on guard duty.
- I bribed Nurse Able in takin' over.
I'm gonna miss Sang Mu's pearls.
Oh, well.
Caution to the wind.
- I'll bet two dollars.
- [B.
I'll keep them company and raise you 20.
Well, no sense in bein' greedy.
We're gonna be here all night.
Mm-hmm? Three kings.
- [All Groaning.]
- He always wins the first hand.
Until tonight.
I believe that, uh, a straight beats three kings.
- What? - A four-card draw, and he gets a straight? It's awfully lucky, wouldn't you say? More like blessed.
- ## [Whistling La Traviata.]
- [B.
I don't believe this is happening.
First the war.
Now this.
- [Potter.]
Whose idea was this? - Ask the five card stud.
Look at him.
He doesn't sweat.
I never saw anybody who doesn't sweat.
Sure you have in the Reptile House.
I'm gonna fold while I still have a little left for the orphans.
Oh, here, Father.
Give them my Give them my best.
Well, good night, everyone.
Good night, Mr.
## [Whistling La Traviata.]
What do you think? I agree.
I'm in.
- Don't you know anything from the second act? - # Raise you 20 # - Curtain going down.
- You deal, Charles.
- Haven't you two masochists had enough? - Yes.
- Come on.
Deal the cards.
- Will you deal, please, sir? Well, I hate to break your losing streak, gentlemen but I'm going out for a little fresh air.
- We'll have some sent in.
- Come on! Deal! - [All Shouting.]
- I'll be back.
I'll be back.
I've just been using the same muscles for three hours.
I thought I'd stretch the others.
## [Humming La Traviata.]
I'd give Radar's last dollar to know how he's doing it.
- You're almost there, sir.
- Maybe he's cheating.
How? I hid all the aces.
It's not the winning I mind.
It's that damn smugness.
## [Whistling La Traviata.]
- And that insipid whistling.
- Coming out of that insipid face.
He doesn't even stop when he's got a bad hand.
He just keeps whistling louder.
He whistles louder when he's got nothing.
When he's got nothing! [All Laughing.]
[All Together.]
He whistles louder when he's got nothing! Oh! - "Rhapsody in Bluff.
" - Folks, I think we've got him.
- [All Laughing.]
- What? What? I'm sorry, but those orphans need the money more than you.
After tonight, they'll have enough cash to buy every parent in Korea.
- Winchester is finished.
- We got him by his mezzo-soprano.
I heard this about $60 ago.
- We got a new scouting report.
- Please.
It's useless.
There's nothing you can say to change my mind.
That whistling he does gets louder when he's bluffing.
- Are you sure? - Would we lie to you? Let's get to it.
Oh, wait.
I have an extra 20 in my boxing glove.
[Birds Chirping.]
I'll raise it 10.
You in, Chuckles? [Voice Cracking.]
Ten? I'd love to stay in, but l I'm a little short.
- Do either of you fellows still owe me any money? - Paid it all back an hour ago.
Well, I was decent enough to loan you guys some money.
Say no more, Charles.
Will 20 do? - And 20 from me.
- Thank you.
You're going to regret your generosity.
Raise you 30.
##[Whistling Loudly.]
- [Klinger.]
I can see that.
- I call.
And to think I've always hated opera.
## [Stops.]
Isn't anyone gonna fold? Just a bunch of masochists.
Major, you're sweating on the cards.
- Oh.
- [Hawkeye.]
Come on.
You called.
- A pair of sixes.
- [B.
Pair of sixes, hey.
Can anyone, or everyone, beat a pair of sixes? - Jacks over eights.
- [Klinger.]
Well, that's good.
Well, looks like you're the joker, Major.
What do you say we call it a rout? We'll cash in later.
Thank you, Charles.
This will make Donald very happy if I tell him.
All right, Radar, this makes us even.
- You can trust me.
- I know, sir.
- You say "I know," but you keep counting.
- I know, sir.
From the orphans, Major.
Father, thank you.
- [Potter.]
Thanks very much, Winchester.
Lovely evening.
- ## [All Whistling Opera.]
- [Mulcahy.]
Good morning, Major.
- [Laughter.]
Well, it certainly looks as though I've been taken to the proverbial cleaners.
You've been proverbially washed, dried, folded, and put in the dryer.
Oh, Pierce, I've spent more than this on a late night snack at home.
You gotta admire a guy who takes it so well.
I'm a Winchester, Hunnicutt.
A Winchester.
My, my, my.
This place certainly is a mess.
You know, it's the Officers Club.
I think an officer should clean it up.
- Perhaps someone who owes us a favor.
- A Winchester, Hunnicutt.
- A Winchester.
- Are you implying that I should clean up? Are you forgetting we loaned you money? Oh, that's right.
You did.
Don't worry about it, Hawk.
He's a swell guy.
He'll do it.
We'll be in the Mess Tent having iced cappuccino.
Uh, would you put out some fresh flowers? [B.
Don't forget the window.
And clean the drapes.
And keep out of the liquor cabinet.
# Manana # # Manana # # Manana is good enough for me # Yeah, I've got the bottle of dirt right here with me.
It's just like I remembered it.
We'll start building the day I get home.
Okay, the second day.
It's ours, Peg.
All ours.
I love you too, sweetheart.
Give Erin a kiss for me.
And the dog.
Till then.
Bye, Peg.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode