M*A*S*H (MASH) s07e23 Episode Script

T416 - Preventive Medicine

More suction.
Margaret, hemostat.
- Hemostat.
- [Exhales.]
- Your hemostat, Doctor.
- Huh? Oh.
After 18 hours in here, the patient is more coherent than I am.
Hawk, I'm gettin' drowsy.
Turn that radio back on, will ya? Certainly.
- Could we get another station, please? - Better still, yank the plug.
All right, all right, all right.
[Imitates Telegraph Beeping.]
Good evening, Mr.
And Mrs.
Ship and all the Americans at sea.
Flash Korea.
The U.
Army has just declared sleep off limits to all surgeons.
As a result, heads will be worn lighter this winter.
And now stay tuned for Burns and Allen over most of this same mouth.
Say good night, Gracie.
- [Mulcahy.]
Who ordered the liver? - This table, waiter.
You sure that's a liver? Looks like Illinois to me.
Father, how many more poor unfortunates have we out there? - In round figures, too many.
- What were these guys doing, runnin' around in circles? - I've got entry wounds comin' from three different angles.
- It was a duck shoot.
It seems when the order to retreat came down one battalion commander decided his men should stay and fight a little longer.
- Oh, yeah.
That's Colonel, uh - Lacy.
- Bingo.
- He's become our chief supplier.
Well, why not? He deals strictly wholesale.
Lacy has the highest casualty rate of any battalion commander in this sector.
Calls that "aggressive.
" I call it damn reckless.
Whatever you call it, I'm sick of sewing it back together.
What kind of day did I have at the office, Radar? Uh, sir, while you were in the O.
, you took care of the strength report completed the DD-5, uh, series "A" through "C," and you ordered a new autoclave.
It's amazing how much I can get done without even showing up.
- Thank you, son.
- Oh, uh, yes, sir.
There's one other thing.
When you were reachin' for the phone - you knocked over your wife's picture and you broke the glass.
- It's okay.
- I'm sure I didn't mean to.
- Yeah, I know.
- Hey! - Ungowa! Ungowa.
Moo goo gai pan.
Hear me, oh spirit of darkness.
That's the guy.
- Klinger, I'm pooped.
- Ah, it's working already.
- All right, I'll bite.
What's working? - My voodoo.
- You do voodoo? - Ungowa.
- [Gibberish.]
- Hey, come on! Colonel, Colonel, I've tried chicanery malingering and endless flimflammery to get out of here.
Well, no more Mr.
Nice Guy.
I'm pulling out the heavy artillery.
Boo-la, boo-la! Chicken gumbo! - Get away! - Boy, that better not be one of mine.
- No, no.
I got that from the cook.
- Oh.
Colonel, I'm gonna put such a curse on you you'll be on your knees begging me to accept a Section Eight.
- Uh-huh.
- Oh, and if that don't do it, sir [Chuckles.]
I'll be forced to use this! - Oh, come on, Klinger.
Cut out the weird stuff.
- I presume that's a little me? It ain't Mickey Rooney.
Now, you know how this works, don't you, sir? Every day another pin.
- Every day another pain.
- Stick it, swami.
- You're living on borrowed time.
- Come on! You can't talk to the colonel like that.
And you stay out of it, or the teddy bear gets it next! - Good morning, Father.
- Father.
- Looks like you'll have a full house Sunday.
- I expect so.
I usually do after a big battle.
Out there, when the fighting is fiercest a lot of silent promises get made.
Corporal North.
What a coincidence.
We're both from the same blood type.
Oh, skip the balloon juice, Doc.
Is this one gonna send me home? I never know how to break news like this, but you're in good shape.
They're gonna ship me right back to that maniac.
Wait, let me guess the lovely and talented Colonel Lacy.
Doc, I swear, if they ship me back to that unit, I'll kill him.
- Well, not right away.
You need some rest first.
- [Horn Honking.]
- And don't expect to get any here.
- [Honking Continues.]
- Honk all you want.
We're not moving this hospital.
- Who is that idiot? - [Mulcahy.]
I've never seen him before.
- [Margaret.]
Or anyone like him.
Back up, Margaret.
Your hot breath is fogging the window.
Colonel Lacy, 163rd.
Yeah, uh, O'Reilly, 4077 th.
- Well, just the man I want to see.
- Thank you, sir.
Why? You run this outfit, don't you? - Oh, no, sir.
We have a colonel that does that.
- Well, on paper, maybe.
I've never seen the unit yet where the company clerk wasn't the real man in charge.
Oh, yeah? Oh, well, yeah.
O'Reilly, I've got some men laid up here.
I wonder if it'd be possible for me to visit 'em.
Oh, I don't know, sir.
I have to check with the doctors.
- Oh, I see.
- Oh, wait a minute.
Well, no.
I can help you out.
- Much appreciated.
- Yeah.
We'll-We'll go right through my headquarters here.
Oh, Colonel? Perhaps you might be interested.
Uh, this is our communication center here.
From here I can contact anyplace in Korea or every elsewhere.
You do that, son.
Now, where'd you say my men were? Oh, Colonel Potter, I'd like you to meet Colonel Lacy.
- Nice to meet you.
- Colonel Lacy, this is Colonel Potter.
- Heard a lot about you, Lacy.
- He's here to see his men.
Well, all good, I hope, Colonel.
Fact is, I could say the same for you.
I was just, uh, briefly briefing the colonel about the inner workings of communications.
Yeah, Radar, listen.
My desk drawer's stuck again.
Fix it, will ya? Yes.
Uh, yes, I will, sir.
Right away.
- Uh, Colonel, he'll take over for now, but if you need me - Radar.
I'll be gone.
You know, I've done a little homework on your unit, Colonel.
Ninety-seven percent survival rate.
That's a very impressive statistic.
It's nothing compared to the casualty rate.
Post-op is right this way.
This is the saddest part of war the cost.
- Good morning, Colonel Potter.
- Colonel Lacy, Major Houlihan, our head nurse.
So you're Colonel Lacy? - And you're the head nurse.
I'm surprised.
- At what? - To find someone so young in such a responsible position.
- I do my best.
Colonel Lacy, Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt, two of our surgeons.
- Doctors, it's an honor.
- The pleasure's all yours.
Nice to meet you.
Take a look around and see what you've done.
- Colonel, I'd like to visit with my men.
- Of course.
Do me a favor.
As long as he's here, lay off.
- Yes.
- That goes for you too.
Hello, North.
They treating you all right? North? I understand, son.
You just get better.
[Clears Throat.]
Men, I, uh I would like to visit with each one of you personally, but there isn't enough time.
I want you to know I'm proud of you.
The battalion is proud of you.
One other thing.
Your performance over the last few days has given me the confidence to submit a plan to "l" Corps a plan for our battalion to spearhead a counteroffensive up Hill 403.
And this time, men, we are going to take it.
I know your good wishes go with us.
God bless you.
And thanks.
Thanks to all of you.
Disgusting but impressive.
Colonel, you left out a lot of good stuff.
What about "Into the valley of Death" or "Remember the Alamo" or the ever-popular "Damn the torpedoes"? Doctor, why don't you just take care of these brave men? "I have not yet begun to fight.
" Colonel, before you go.
I've been in this man's army I've never said this to a line officer before.
I wonder if you aren't being a little careless with your men.
Are you aware you have the highest casualty rate of any battalion commander? Why don't you try pulling back a little? You trying to put me out of my job, Colonel? No.
I guess I'm just trying to get you to put me out of mine.
What kind of a diet is this? Biscuits, gravy, rice, potatoes.
Evidently they expect us to starch our uniforms from the inside out.
Where are the Hello? Where are the green vegetables? The cook had some spinach, but the rats got to it.
They left a little if you want some.
Corporal, uh Private, you have ruined my appetite And I am grateful.
Oh, Major.
I've been looking for you.
I'd consider it an honor if you'd allow me to join you for lunch.
- Oh, my pleasure.
- Thank you.
By the way, uh, the talk you gave in post-op I was very moved.
Hill 403 is very important.
It's a treacherous piece of ground.
- It'll be risky, but anything worthwhile always is, isn't it? - How risky? There'll be a lot of casualties, but with luck, we can keep the rate down to 20 or 30%.
- Twenty or 30%? - Right.
- Uh, you know, a plan - That's at least a hundred men.
Approximately, yeah.
A plan was used in the battle of Monte Casino.
- You see, the Germans - That's three men out of every 10.
- Has "l" Corps approved this? - Oh, not yet, but I'll I'll sell it to 'em.
I've wanted that hill for a long time.
By God, this time I'm gonna have it.
- What makes the hill so important? - Well, getting it.
At any rate, the Germans were dug in - and we knew we were in for it - Excuse me.
- I forgot to wash up.
- Of course.
Crowded in here today.
Standing retch only.
Gentlemen, please sit down.
All right, fellas.
What is it? Let's, uh, clear the air.
For some reason you seem to resent me.
I want to know why.
Colonel, we're just trying to force down a meal here.
Okay, I've got a high casualty rate.
I know that.
Somehow you fellas seem to think I don't care.
Well, let me tell you something.
When I saw them lying in there, my own men I'm not ashamed to admit it, no, sir I felt a real lump in my throat.
- That lump was in your head.
- I beg your pardon? - Don't do it, Hawk.
- Maybe you can beguile a bunch of innocent kids with that righteous claptrap, but don't pull it on me.
You're a dangerous man, Lacy.
You love this the stirring speeches, the strategy, the execution with a capital "E.
" It's all one big, bloody game to you.
Then when they're carrying the wounded players off the field, you become the cheerleader.
- You make me sick.
- You did it.
I should chew your tail out, Doctor.
But I'm not.
Besides, it's not you speaking, it's fatigue.
You're worn thin.
I know.
I deal with it every day.
Let me give you a prescription, Doc a week's R & R.
In fact, I'll recommend it to Colonel Potter, if you like.
He's ice.
How do you get to a guy like that? Simple.
You hold him down and drive a peace treaty through his heart.
Therefore, I firmly believe that Lieutenant Colonel Lacy's record should be reviewed with the possibility of reassigning him to a noncombat position.
- You got all that, Radar? - Uh, all the words, sir.
- Later I'll put 'em in the right order.
- Be sure you do.
- Kindest regards.
Sincerely, Col.
Sherman blah, blah, blah.
- Blah, blah, blah.
Um, uh, Colonel, can I ask a question? - What can't you spell? - Uh, no, sir.
Uh, sir, I know you wrote this and everything - but do you really mean all this about Colonel Lacy? - It's true.
He's really this bad? I mean, he seemed kind of nice to me.
- Put the pencil down, son.
- I knew I should've just said nothing.
I know I've never dictated a letter like this before.
That's because I didn't have to.
But I've thought this out very carefully, and I mean every word.
- Now, do you understand? - Oh, yes, sir.
But it's just that l He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who could do all this bad.
People aren't always what they seem, Radar.
Sometimes when a man's anxious to stick out a glad hand it's because he's got something up his sleeve.
I guess the more I learn about Colonel Lacy, the less I like him.
- [Klinger Chanting Gibberish.]
- Send in the boogie-woogie bugle beak.
He wants to talk to you.
- Foo-raka-saki.
- Same to you.
Now, listen, Klinger.
I've had enough of this.
- Chuck-a, chuck-a, floy-doy.
- So help me, you give one more doy-floy - Floy-doy.
- Do you hear me? - I'm in a trance.
- All right.
That's it.
- I'm telling the spirits to put your soul in a half-nelson.
- Klinger, you want a curse? I'll give you a curse.
You've got guard duty and K.
P - till further notice, starting right now.
- Aw, sir - Boogie-woogie! - I'm going, I'm going! How come when you say it, it works? Because my bird is more powerful than your bird.
- Good evening, men.
- The iceman cometh.
Visiting hours are over, Colonel.
- I've got a little something for the men to cheer them up.
- Your resignation? No, their decorations came in.
May I? - Corporal North.
- Keep it.
- Pardon me? - I don't want it.
- It's your Purple Heart, son.
- I know what it is.
- You just keep it as a reminder.
- Now, listen I don't want anything from you! All right, son.
You feel bitter now, and that's understandable.
But later, when you've changed your mind, I'll still have it for you.
- I'm gonna throw him out of here.
- No, wait a minute.
Let him say his piece, then I'll throw him out.
Well, McAvoy.
I thought you might like to have this while you were still here.
It's your Purple Heart.
- Listen, I just want you to know how proud l - [Wheezes.]
What's wrong, son? Doctor! Doctor! Get out of the way! - Faint pulse, very erratic.
- What's wrong with him? Irregular heartbeat.
Bicarb solution.
- He was just looking at me.
- Bicarb, Doctor.
- Out of the way, Colonel.
- Keep quiet for once, will ya? Just shut up! Now, just a damn minute.
You can't talk to me that way! - You've gotta pull him through.
- Yeah, just for you, right? - Come on, come on.
Smooth it out.
- Make it, son.
- [Quietly.]
Make it.
Make it.
- No pulse.
- Get out of the way.
I'm gonna beat the daylights into him.
- Here.
- Uh! - Listen to this.
Come on, come on.
- No.
- Colonel Lacy, Headquarters on the phone for you, sir.
- General Higgins.
- Higgins? Well, that's my ticket.
I'll be right back.
- Anything I can do, sirs? - Yeah.
Keep him out of here.
Adrenaline, Doctor.
- Keep pushing, Hawk.
- Come on, McAvoy.
I'm getting tired.
Try Listen.
Listen to this.
- I'm getting a pulse.
- He's breathing on his own now.
Pulse regular.
- Good fight, Hawk.
- I thought he had me in the third round.
General, I know it seems impregnable, but it's not.
But this time we can take it.
Just give me one last chance.
Damn it, General.
You cannot take that hill away from me.
It's mine.
I earned it.
All right.
No, of course not, General.
I understand.
L I was just hoping I could convince you.
Good-bye, sir.
- Tough luck.
- Well, don't feel bad.
Maybe you'll get ambushed on the way home.
No problem.
I'll, uh I'll get up there yet.
You gonna defy orders? Of course not.
I'm a soldier.
I don't defy orders.
The general ordered me not to launch an offensive.
I don't intend to.
But I still have to send out reconnaissance and patrols usually draw fire.
And once the bullets start flying, nobody knows who started what.
- I don't believe him.
- You know something, Colonel? You're a heck of a guy.
- You have to admire a man who won't take no for an order.
- I don't believe you.
I mean it, really.
I'm [Chuckles.]
I underestimated you.
Forget it.
Listen, how 'bout I buy you a drink? Forget it.
Listen, how 'bout I buy you a drink? - Well, actually, I was thinking of buying you one.
- Wait a minute.
- You're gonna buy him a drink? - Yeah.
No, really.
I thought we'd go back to the Swamp, and, you know, sit around and relax and, uh, you could talk with the colonel while I, you know, mix the drinks.
- I talk to the colonel.
- Yeah, you know, while l while I mix the drinks.
- Hmm? Hey, come on.
- Sure.
Who knows? It might be fun.
We'll have a great time.
After you, sir.
By the way, Colonel, McAvoy he made it.
- Who? - McAvoy, the kid inside.
He's all right.
Oh, McAvoy.
Listen, that was good work.
That was good work.
We're gonna have a great time.
- Who's ready for round two? - [BJ.
Besides me.
Well, maybe one more, just to settle my stomach.
Oh, you have a problem with your stomach? Ah, it's probably the lousy chow here.
It can't be that.
Our food kills instantly.
Nice and dry.
- Just like the last one.
- Oh, thank you.
- Let me get that, Colonel.
- Thanks, gentlemen.
- One for me and one for you.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, we're really not so far apart.
Opposite sides of the same fence.
No, he's got a point.
We're all in the same business.
As surgeons, we'll sacrifice some tissue in order to save the whole body.
You'll sacrifice a few men in order to, uh to, uh - What is it you get out of that again? - A hill.
- You know, a rock.
- Oh, yeah, right.
See? We're practically the same.
Ooh! Oh, boy.
That smarts.
- Your stomach again? - Yeah.
Let me see.
- Where does that hurt? Here? - Ooh! - There.
- Oh, boy.
Bad case of gastritis.
Probably lay you up a couple of days.
- Have you ever had your appendix out? - No.
- [BJ.
Appendix? - Yeah, acute appendicitis.
- That could keep you out for a week or two.
- Two weeks? They'll take me off the line.
I'll [Groans.]
lose my battalion.
- Definitely your appendix.
- Wait a minute.
You want to open him up and take out his appendix? Well, I could reach down his throat and get it, but that would be another two weeks.
- Oh! - Oh, gee whiz.
That sounds bad.
What do I have to do, Sherman? How many schemes do you think I have left? Look at me.
I'm talking to a stupid doll.
See this? I've a good mind to use it.
Laughing at me, huh? Don't think I can do it? Well, if nothing else, it'll sure make me feel good.
- Take this, Colonel.
- [Lacy Groans.]
- Huh? - [BJ.
Here we go.
- [Hawkeye.]
Come on.
- What's going on here? Holy Toledo! - Ooh! - Easy, Colonel.
That's right.
He's a colonel too.
Oh, my God! What's wrong with him? - We don't know yet.
- Acute appendicitis! - May be just gastritis.
- But it may be appendicitis! Anyway, he's real sick.
What have you done? What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm taking out that guy's appendix in there.
You gonna get into your whites or what? You're talking about removing a healthy organ.
No, I figure his appendix is about as sick as his mind.
Doctors aren't supposed to take bodies apart.
They're supposed to put them together.
Why? So guys like that can take them apart again? You heard him.
He's gonna take those kids up that hill tomorrow and send them back to us in pieces.
That man is crazy.
That doesn't make this right.
Some things are wrong, and they're always wrong.
It's wrong.
But there are gonna be a hundred boys still alive tomorrow.
- Go tell them how wrong it is.
- Damn it! Why don't you just stab him? Cutting into a healthy body is mutilation! [Chuckles.]
Don't give me that.
There aren't doctors back home who do unnecessary operations? You never heard of that? And for what? For a few bucks.
Suppose you get him relieved of his command.
What about the guy they send to replace him? So I'll take them one at a time! What have I got to lose? Just your self-respect, that's all! You're a doctor of medicine.
You cut into a healthy body, and you're gonna hate yourself for the rest of your life.
I hate myself right now! I hate me and I hate you, and I hate this whole life here.
And if I can keep that maniac off the line by a simple appendectomy - I'll be able to hate myself with a clear conscience.
- All right.
- You want to play God, you do it alone.
- Fine.
If you're gonna keep talking about it, put a mask on.
I don't want to run the slightest risk of infecting him.
So? It was pink and perfect, and I tossed it in the scrap bucket.
At least he won't be sending us any customers for a while.
Radar was just in here.
In about 10 minutes they're sending us a batch of wounded.
- Ten minutes? - [Man On p.
Attention, attention, all personnel.
- Time flies.
- Sorry, folks.
Triage in the compound.
Looks kinda heavy.
You treated a symptom.
The disease goes merrily on.
- Let's go, Hawk.
- [Rapid Footsteps.]
Father, Father, I gotta talk to you.
Very important.
- Well, certainly.
What about this evening after vespers? - No, no, no.
It can't wait, Father.
You've got to take these from me.
They're dangerous in my hands.
What is that that smells like a dead chicken? Oh.
This dead chicken.
Father, I hate to admit it, and I hate myself for doing it, but I've dabbled in the occult.
I see.
Still, that doesn't seem strange from you.
You don't understand.
I put this in this and wham! I gave Col.
Lacy appendicitis.
But I didn't mean to.
It was meant for Col.
Please, you've gotta take this from me before I injure somebody else.
Klinger, that was just a coincidence.
But if it'll make you feel better Everything but the chicken.
Oh, okay.
I'll give that back to the cook.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode