M*A*S*H (MASH) s09e06 Episode Script

A War for All Seasons

- ##[Piano.]
- #[Crowd.]
auld acquaintance be forgot # And never brought to mind Should auld acquaintance be forgot And days of auld lang syne For auld lang syne, my dear For auld lang syne We'll take a cup of kindness yet For auld lang syne - [Cheering.]
- [Horns Tooting.]
Attenzione, folks.
Well, the 20th century is now officially half kaput.
- And so are we.
- [Laughing.]
Here's to the New Year.
May she be a damn sight better than the old one.
And may we all be home before she's over.
- [All Assenting.]
- Thank you, Colonel.
Klinger, I sure wish I had me one of those to wear.
It's simple.
You just cut up a bedsheet.
The jacket, you nincompoop! I'm freezing to death.
Oh, this.
It just came in today.
It's what the warm person is wearing this winter.
I see you're admiring the latest fashion from, uh, Sears.
They were in the catalog under Life Preservers.
How come you didn't order one? Because I foolishly thought the army would provide me with winter gear on time.
- The army.
- Uh-huh.
That same speedy outfit that just yesterday delivered a beautiful package to Valley Forge addressed to G.
Klinger, I wanna see that catalog first thing in the morning.
You'll need a jeep.
I traded it to the 8063rd for the party decorations.
You traded that catalog for some stupid pink elephants? I didn't hear any complaining till now.
- Anyway, there'll be a new catalog soon.
- How soon? Next month.
Valentine's Day the latest.
Come on, Margaret.
You can't hog the catalog all day.
I'd be able to read it a lot faster if half the pages weren't covered with chocolate.
Why am I always singled out for blame? - I can't find that coat.
- That's what you're looking for? - Yes.
- Don't holler at the chocolate soldier just because you can't find a winter coat in a spring/summer catalog.
You mean there's nothing in this stupid book I can use to keep warm? - You could order some matches and set it on fire.
- Oh, shut up.
Obviously, madame is overwrought from shopping.
- What do you two think you're doing? - We're looking for a radio.
Take a number, buster.
I haven't finished yet.
- The coat's not in there! - I need other stuff like like knitting stuff.
- Oh! - Knitting? You expect us to buy that yarn? Good morning, all.
I heard the new Sears, Roebuck catalog was in.
- Let me just - Not a prayer, Father.
I just want to take a quick peek at the gardening section.
- Well, all we want is a lousy radio.
- If you'll just shut up and Hey! That's enough.
Look at you.
As chief custodian of this catalog, I am sadly appalled.
Two respected physicians, a chief nurse and a man of the cloth all acting like children.
Wowee! Baseball gloves! With all due respect, sir, the Dodgers are a shoo-in.
You're nuttier than a jar of goobers.
The Cards are a lead-pipe cinch.
Now chuck that apple in here.
Ooh! [Klinger.]
! Father.
! You wanna wing that horsehide this way? I have spent the morning in the hot sun planting corn, carnations and sunflowers.
It was not my intention to harvest horsehide.
Another hit-and-run.
Why You fur ball! You're unraveling my potholder! Now, now, now.
No sense in crying over spilled wool.
I hope you feel the same way about spilled teeth.
I'd better get outta here before I get spiked.
R-A-G-G M-O-P-P, M - # I say "M" # - I cannot stand it! - ## [Continues Indistinct.]
- The world has gone truly mad.
Those people can neither sing nor spell! Hey, daddy-o, you don't dig our new "radi-o," get off our patio.
" - He is so uncool.
- [Chuckling.]
Just get hep.
- ##[Continues.]
- But consider their pitching staff Newcombe, Erskine, Roe, Branca.
Putty in the hands of Stan the Man.
Pitch! Major.
Will you tell the colonel who's gonna win the National League pennant this year? Oh, yes.
In springtime, a young dolt's fancy turns to baseball where one can sit and munch red-hots and Cracker Jacks and watch 18 hillbillies in knickers run around in circles and spit tobacco chaws on one another.
See that? He likes the Dodgers too.
Wouldn't care to put your dinero where you put your dinner, would you? Aw, sir, I couldn't bet with you.
That would be like taking candy from a colonel.
- Shall we say $10? - Said and done.
Whoa! There's no way we're gonna be in Korea when the baseball season crosses the finish line.
Could the sly old fox be trying to weasel out of a bet? Don't even think it.
Ain't it an old baseball adage that the team that's in first place on July the 4 always wins the pennant? Okay.
Whosever ahead on July the 4.
We'll make it $20.
And that will be my financial Independence Day.
You're on, rube.
Now pitch me that pea.
- [Helicopters Approaching.]
- Aw, no.
Let's go.
! We've got wounded.
! - [People Shouting.]
- [Nurse.]
Let's go.
! Corpsman.
! Come on everybody.
! Let's go.
! Come on.
! Pam, get me his last E.
Hey, Beej, listen to this.
"Portable decorative wood mantels.
Add fireplace charm and beauty to rooms without a fireplace.
" Doesn't sound like a hot idea.
You want a fireplace, all you get is the place.
I read on.
"Decorative electric logs give effect of real fire without heat or flame.
" Now you're cookin'.
You know what they say Home is where the hearth is.
- That's good.
- Here are his E.
- How's his urinary output? - Still way below normal.
- Renal shutdown? - Yeah.
We gotta get him on that artificial kidney.
Margaret, order up a chopper to send him to Wonju.
What are his chances of surviving that trip? - With that belly wound? - Maybe 1 in 20 which is one more than he'd have if he stayed here.
- Yeah.
- [Sighs.]
Some choice.
It's the tiger or the tiger.
I'm getting tired of this.
We need an artificial kidney machine here.
Hawk, there's a grand total of one in Asia.
You don't get them by sending in a Cheerios box top.
Let me ask you something.
How much do you know about building a kidney machine? - Absolutely nothing.
- Neither do I.
- So how do we know we can't make one? - Are you crazy? When Dr.
Kolff invented it, he was at a university.
He had facilities.
He had funding.
He had a research team.
But we got something he didn't have.
We got Dr.
Kolff to copy from.
Follow me and bring your library card.
- Look at this.
- Are you two still at it? Every time I see you lately, you've got your noses in a book.
We've just completed the one-month crash course at the Korean Kidney Academy.
We now know everything there is to know about kidneys.
Just ask.
Kidney pie, kidney stew, kidney beans kidney-shaped pools.
Unfortunately, we've just been "kidneying" ourselves.
- We can't make a kidney machine.
- Too complicated.
- To understand no.
- To get the parts yes.
You mean you're right back where you started from? Well, not exactly.
There's this, uh This, uh, Dr.
Barbero over at the 8228's been getting very good results with his peritoneal lavage.
No kidney machine, but it's an alternative to what we've been doing, which is nothing.
The only equipment we don't already have here is trocars and stylets.
I can get those for you at Tokyo General when I'm on R & R.
Listen, while you're there, you ought to see a doctor.
Your potholder has developed a pituitary problem.
It's a woman's prerogative to change her potholder.
I'm making it into a scarf.
That makes perfect sense.
She'd look silly wearing a potholder around her neck.
Boy, that burns me up.
A slender woman can wear anything.
Well, Padre, I see the corn is as high as a clergyman's eye.
Well, thank you.
It's like success in most endeavors.
It took a lot of hard work and a little fertilizer.
May I point out there will be no vegetables without the fruits of my labor.
Fine piece of work, Klinger.
It'll scare crows and attract sailors.
Did the colonel happen to catch this morning's Stars and Stripes sports section under "Standings, National League"? - Or am I being too vague? - All right, all right.
So the Bums are up by nine games.
It's still a month to July 4.
- Today, you're scaring crows.
By then, you'll be eating them.
- Ha! July 4.
What a wonderful idea! We'll have a picnic and serve my corn on the cob.
[Crowd Chattering, Exclaiming.]
Seventeen, 18, 19, 20.
Nothing like cool cash on a hot summer's night.
Evidently, the assemblage from Brooklyn has outdistanced the St.
Louis louts.
They're up by eight and a half games.
Eight and a half games! Isn't that sweet? - Ah! - Father, in just a few minutes, we'll be "de-cobbing" corn - thanks to you and your khaki thumb.
- Don't I know it.
All week, I've been dreaming about getting butter on my cheeks juice on my shirt and a niblet wedged between two molars.
Oh, I wish I had your table manners.
- Oh, that was great.
- Stand still.
Margaret, wasn't this potholder supposed to be a scarf? It hasn't been a scarf in weeks.
I'm knitting a sweater for a pilot I met in Tokyo.
- And I'm the mannequin who came to dinner, huh? - Thanks.
Absolutely negative.
I'm not throwin' good garbanzos after bad on the Redbirds.
Forget St.
Don't you want another shot at this cabbage? I'll give you the whole league against the Dodgers 2-to-1 odds.
You still buckin' for that Section Eight? 2-to-1 odds the Dodgers against the rest of the league? Hey, I'll take some of that action.
Watch out for those Giants.
That new kid Mays is on fire.
Flash in the pan.
He doesn't even know it's two hands for beginners.
- Put me down for 10.
- A sawbuck for the sawbones.
All right, all right.
You're feelin' so damn smug pencil me in for half a C-note.
Oh, wait a minute, sir.
It's been a pleasure doin' business with you but I don't know if I can cover that.
I'm talkin' a little cabbage.
You're talkin' a mound of coleslaw.
Klinger, how would you like me to cover your coleslaw with my garbanzos? Charles! You wanna get part of this? You the man who asked how many carats there are in a baseball diamond? Right.
Actually, Klinger's forecasts have proven uncannily accurate.
I believe you said something about, uh, half a C-note.
Come and get it! [Chattering, Shouting.]
- Where's the corn? - You're lookin' at it the mushy stuff.
You You creamed it! You You ninny! - You're such a jughead! - I was just tryin' to be helpful.
Next Fourth of July, you can eat it on the cob for all I care.
[All Shouting.]
- The numbness is leaving my toes.
- Mine are all wiggly again.
Boy, there's nothing like a real fake fire.
Thanks to this, now it's like summer in here.
Gentlemen, the snow pageant is fatuous and unamusing.
It serves only as a reminder that it is hot.
You know, he's right.
It doesn't work without the plastic marshmallows.
Major, take a look at this sports section.
It'll give you more smiles than the funnies.
- [Laughing.]
- [Chortling.]
"Dodgers pluck Redbirds, lead 13 and a half games.
" - Erskine tossed a three-hitter.
- Good old Ersk.
Oh-ho, and the Preacher Man's on the mound today.
Klinger, we are sitting in the jaybird seat.
- Catbird, sir.
- Cat Of course.
Well, my fireside chaps, would you care to pay your wager now and avoid the September stampede? Uh-uh.
You know what they say in parachute training, Charles.
It's not over until the last man is out.
Would you care to back up that old saw with an old sawbuck? Major, nobody's ever come back from 13 and a half games in August.
You're not gonna find any takers.
Perhaps the key lays in improving the odds.
Shall we say one will get you three? - No dice, Chaz.
- Four? Major, we stand to win a lot of loot.
- Let us not be piggish.
- This is not piggish, Klinger.
This is bullish.
How do you think we Winchesters amassed our huge family fortune? [Chortles.]
One'll get you five? [Man On P.
! Ambulance in the compound.
- We've got more of the latest hits.
- Smash hits, I'm sure.
I hope you remembered to close the flue.
Clamp, please.
6-to-1? More suction 6-to-1? The Dodgers versus the rest of the N.
? Doctor, if you can say that and walk a straight line, put me in for a hundred.
- Done.
- A hundred? Mm-hmm.
Make a note of that, will you, Max? Major, our ship is coming in.
Don't rock it.
Klinger, you've gotta give up this "petty potatoes" philosophy.
We got a gold mine here.
I intend to fleece every sheep in the neighborhood.
Say, Kellye, you look like a sporting person.
Lori, get me two more units.
- This kid's way overdrawn at the blood bank.
- Yes, Doctor.
With all these transfusions all the blood this kid's been losing I'd be very surprised if his kidneys haven't closed down by the weekend.
- Better watch him pretty closely.
- Yeah.
He's in no shape to ship.
Now, you may not know it, fella but you might be a charter member in our peritoneal lavage club.
How are we doin'? Same old story.
Soon as the nitrogen and potassium are removed from his blood he builds up more.
It's, uh you should pardon the expression a dead heat.
We bought him a couple of weeks.
If his kidneys are gonna resume functioning, it should be soon.
Yeah, but you know, the Kolff machine can do in a couple of hours what it takes this rig all day to do.
And we're not always gonna have time to give nonstop intensive care to one kid for two weeks.
All we can do for now is wait.
- What do you say we go get some coffee, ruin our own kidneys? - Yeah.
Margaret, is this sweater for your pilot friend or his airplane? Ha! As far as I'm concerned, that flyboy's been grounded.
I'm making a blanket for my bed which he will never see.
You should send to Sears for a man.
It is a "male order" catalog.
- That's it.
- Don't be ridiculous.
She can't order a man.
- By the time he got here, he'd be stale.
- I'm serious.
And I'm also inspired.
You have just witnessed the birth of a notion.
I'm warning you, Klinger.
I have been perusing the sports pages.
- I do not like what I'm reading.
- Not to fear, Major.
The Dodgers are still up by eight games.
They can't possibly blow that in a month.
- Klinger, where's that Sears catalog? - In there with the topkick.
I cannot believe that I allowed you to risk my money on a bunch of grown men named Newk, Duke and Pee Wee.
Glad you're here, boys.
You can help me decide which Zane Grey to order 30,000 on the Hoof or Thundering Herd.
- Yeah.
- Choice like that is a real dome-scratcher.
- Excuse me, will you? - Whoa, tall stranger! This here catalog ain't big enough for the both of us.
I'll be out of it by sundown.
I just want to order an artificial kidney.
- From Sears and Roebuck? - Not as crazy as it might sound, Colonel.
What's the Kolff machine but a bathtub for the bloodstream? - Here we go.
- " Jumbo washtub.
Holds 34 gallons.
- Leakproof, rust-resistant.
" - Use your noggins, boys.
The blood goes through the rinse in tubes of cellophane-type membrane.
- Where do you plan to scare that up? - Membrane "schmembrane.
" What Dr.
Kolff uses is plain old sausage casing, boiled and rinsed.
"Saucers, Saucer Racks, Sausage Stuffers.
" "Savings Banks"? It's not here.
They got sausage stuffers and nothing to stuff it in? - Damn it.
- You boys give up too quick.
Didn't you ever see Gunga Din? You've gotta toot that bugle till you drop.
What are we supposed to do? Sears doesn't have a deli section.
If you're talkin' casing, there's a man out there who's our sausage link.
- Klinger.
- Is my presence requested, sir? Yes.
We've got a little favor to ask of you.
- What's the name of that hot dog emporium back in Toledo? - Packo's? Packo's.
Hop on the horn, tell 'em we wanna call in an order to go.
- ##[Radio.
- Is there a Dr.
Pierce in the house? Special delivery from Packo's hot dogs.
Hey, you got the sausage casings, huh? Somewhere in Toledo, there are a whole lot of hot dogs running around without a thing to wear.
You know what would go great with this is 500 empty beer cans.
Now, we get the tub, and we're in business.
Now, we get the tub, and we're in business.
Must we always listen to this mindless pap? Get to the sports news.
Known these days as the financial report.
In the City of Brotherly Love, the Yankees pounded the A's 9-3.
My mother's bridge club could pound the A's! Get to the senior circuit.
Taking a look at the senior circuit with just two weeks left in the season the amazing Giants have narrowed the Dodgers' lead to four games.
- Freeze, weasel! - Now, now, Major.
Let's not come unglued.
Listen, you hairy homunculus.
Thanks to your prognostications I have made extensive financial speculations.
If I wind up in debt, you're gonna wind up in traction! [Game Announcer.]
Dark at second, Mueller at first as the tying run comes to the plate in the person of Whitey Lockman.
Boy, oh, boy.
! Who'd have thought, back in August that the N.
Flag would still be in doubt last inning, last play-off game? - Newcombe stretches.
- Lockman's trouble, Newk.
Bean him! Checks the runners.
- Newcombe comes in high and tight as Lockman hits the dirt.
- This thing is enormous.
- [Continues, Indistinct.]
- What size did you order medium, large or rub-a-dub-dub? - [Knocking.]
- What? Who is it? [Klinger, Disguising Voice.]
Western Union.
Telegram for Major Winchester.
- He's not here.
- Oh, thank goodness.
If the Dodgers blow this game, the major has assured me he takes no prisoners.
Lockman laces a line drive inside the bag to left field! - [Shouts, Indistinct.]
- Oh, no! I'm a dead man! will score! Mueller slides into third and Lockman pulls into second with a stand-up double.
Way to whomp that tater, Whitey.
Get that bum outta there! I think that's gonna be all for Don Newcombe.
It's about time.
He lost it two innings ago.
And Ralph Branca makes that long walk from the bullpen.
Branca! Thank heaven! Game's in the bag! [Spits.]
As Branca warms up, Bobby Thomson loosens up in the on-deck circle.
- Go get 'em, Bobby.
- Come on, Thomson! [Klinger.]
Thomson, hell.
! Come on, Branca.
! Branca completes his warm-ups.
Thomson up there swinging.
Cox tight on the bag at third.
Oh, boy.
! 4- 2, Dodgers.
Bottom of the ninth one out, two on.
- Here we go.
- Knock it down his throat, Bobby! - Father, is that nice? - I got 10 smackers riding on this.
- Bobby takes a strike call on the inside corner.
- Kill the ump! - comin'up there with his best.
- God rest his soul.
Splendid! Two more, Ralphie baby! The check of the runners, set, the pitch.
[Bat Strikes Ball.]
Swung on.
! It's a long drive.
! It's gonna be I believe The Giants win the pennant.
! The Giants win the pennant.
! - The Giants win the pennant.
! - [Klinger.]
Oh, no.
! [All Shouting, Cheering.]
The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant! [Shouting.]
The Giants win the pennant.
! The Giants win the pennant.
! - Hawk.
- Well? Potassium level down.
Level also down.
- Congratulations.
It's a kidney.
- [Both Laughing.]
You are a soldier of good fortune.
Thanks to the brilliance of a doctor who shall remain me you are now well enough to ship to Wonju where they have a kidney machine that doesn't look like it was made by Mr.
- And then you go home.
- Will I be home in time for Thanksgiving? - Uh - Probably not.
- But get a date for New Year's Eve.
- Yeah.
For auld lang syne, my dear For auld lang syne We'll take a cup of kindness yet For auld lang syne - [Cheering.]
- [Horns Tooting.]
- [Thumping.]
- Hear ye, hear ye.
[Chattering, Laughing.]
- [Chattering, Laughing Stop.]
- Here's to the New Year.
May she be a damn sight better than the old one.
[Voice Quavers.]
And may we all be home before she's over.
[Chattering, Laughing Resume.]
- [Chattering, Laughing.]
- [Potter.]
Uh, boys and girls.
Boys and girls, I've got a little surprise for you.
I corralled some of last year's news highlights from the home front.
- [All Exclaim.]
- Would somebody douse the lights? Colonel.
- Oh.
- [Projector Whirring.]
- [All Exclaiming.]
- [Potter.]
The ball game the one we won all the money on.
- [Game Announcer.]
A check of the runners - We just heard it.
Now we get a chance to see it.
Bobby Thomson.
- [Mulcahy.]
Go ahead, Bobby.
! Do your stuff! .
- Swung on! It's a long drive! It's gonna be I believe The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant! And they're going crazy! - [Charles Moaning.]
- [Announcer Continues.]
I don't believe it! [Screaming.]
- And the Giants win the pennant! - Where is that Lebanese mongoose?
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