M*A*S*H (MASH) s09e15 Episode Script

- Gin? - Read 'em and weep.
- Again? - Name of the game, kiddo.
- Where did you get all those clubs? - Oh, the usual place.
- Three from you, three from my sleeve.
- [Sighs.]
What've you got, kid? - Sixty-four.
- Ooh.
Bad news.
- Oh, I'll get you for this, Whitfield.
Mark my words.
- I'd rather mark your cards.
Gee, I don't know how to tell you this, Houlihan, but, uh you're into me for $3.
19.
See me on payday.
Payday.
Mmm.
Payday I will be under a hair dryer at the Fort Meade beauty parlor.
That's right.
When are you leaving? Fourteen days, eight hours and 22 minutes.
You've got a lot of nerve, Whitfield.
You transfer out here for two months, take me to the cleaners and then waltz back to the States to live it up on my money.
But I'm gonna miss you.
So deal.
I don't have much time to get even.
Nah.
I've had enough for one night.
Besides, I hate to see a grown major cry.
Oh, sure, quit, just when I was gettin' hot.
- I gotta write a letter to my brother.
I'll see ya.
- Good night, moneybags.
Margaret.
I'm gonna miss you too.
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Hear ye, hear ye.
It is 0700, and all is hell.
- Incoming wounded, folks.
- [Helicopter Whirring.]
[Kellye.]
I'm gonna go straight to O.
R so if someone can pick me up something to eat, I'd appreciate it.
[Coughs.]
- Are you all right, Captain? - Oh, you know me.
Just can't get the motor going till I've had my first cup of coffee.
[Helicopter Whirring.]
Captain Whitfield, if you can't make it, we'll cover for you.
Look, girlie.
I've never missed an O.
R.
In my life.
I'm not about to start now.
I'll be there in a minute.
I'll work you all under the table.
Come on.
Let's go.
There we go.
Another satisfied customer at Pierce's Body and Femur Shop.
Go.
Okay.
Who's next? I have a lovely table for one with a view of the ceiling.
[Klinger.]
Prepare to applaud, Hippocratic oathers.
- We're out of wounded! - [All Cheering.]
What do you know? The war is quitting early today.
Must have a headache from all that noise.
He'll be okay.
Let's give him another unit.
Whitfield, another unit of AB-positive over here.
Right, Major.
Captain, you got the wrong stuff.
- Pardon me? - They want AB-positive, right? You grabbed AB-negative.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
They ought to mark this stuff more clearly.
Finis.
Who said it was impossible to improve on perfection? One morejust came in.
Bad chest wounds.
I'll take him.
I can use the overtime.
Pierce, I am the ranking thoracic expert.
Right over here, fellas.
Kellye, I have to reglove.
- [Hawkeye.]
Major Winchester.
- Yes? - Buns away! - Huh? [Gasps.]
Pierce, are you crazed? I have a wounded man on the table! [Hawkeye Laughing.]
- He He made me do it.
- [Laughing.]
[Potter.]
Pierce, there's a fine line between fun and imbecility and you just pole-vaulted over it.
Pierce to violate the sanctity of the operating room is even for an intellectual infant such as yourself an act of such contemptibility, I will not dignify it with comment.
L I understand.
Hey.
Hey.
Come on, everybody.
That was just You know, that was like That was a joke.
[Potter.]
Well, it was just about as funny as a sword-swallower with swollen glands.
Well, trust Pierce to do something so tasteless.
Yeah, well not exactly only me.
I think I'll change.
- Uh - Sorry.
I'll get the next one.
Hey, come on, everybody.
That was funny.
Yeah, well, I guess you had to be there.
[Chattering.]
[Booing.]
[All Jeering.]
Please, please, you're too kind.
Father, what would you think about giving these people a refresher course in "thou shalt not kill"? Father? Oh, no.
Not you too.
Captain Pierce, having heard about the callous prank you played on poor Major Winchester I choose not to speak to you.
For if I did, I would tell you you are a goon and a blockheaded bozo.
But as a man of God, I'm above name-calling.
- Oh.
Yeah.
- Good day.
[All Cheering.]
Thank you, everybody.
Thank you.
That's very kind.
- Okay, Charles.
Let's get this settled.
- Settled? Settled.
Let's get it settled.
Get even with me.
Right here, in front of everybody.
Here.
Come on.
Dump a tray of food all over me.
Or worse, make me eat it.
- Pierce, I could never do anything so insensitive.
- Sure you can.
It's easy.
- Come on.
Get your revenge.
Tit for tat and all that.
- I bear you no malice, old fella.
- What a rotten thing to say.
- Oh, Pierce, I understand you.
I studied a bit of child psychology, you know.
And I have nothing but We must all have compassion for Ladies and gentlemen, we must all have compassion for the wretched harlequin with his compulsive need to amuse.
I say to you, do not condemn the pathetic clown, but rather pity him.
[All Cheering.]
Will you stop! - Howdy.
- Don't howdy me, you snake in a tent.
- You You - Hawk, you're upset.
It's this little idiosyncrasy I have.
When a Mess Tent full of people tries to tar and feather me, I get ruffled.
Aha.
They're still hot about that trick you pulled on Charles.
No, they're hot about that trick we pulled on Charles.
I had a partner in slime, remember? - Oh.
That.
- Yes.
That.
I didn't know I was gonna have a silent partner.
- Ah, it's over now.
- It's not over.
My character has been assassinated.
- And the rest of me may soon follow.
- So what do you want me to do? I want you to put down that damn darning and listen.
Confession could be good for your soul.
I guarantee it'll be good for your nose.
- As I recall, you did pull some strings.
- You gonna come clean or not? Not.
Look, in a couple of days Winchester will try something to get even - and everything will be copacetic.
- No way.
You should have seen that conniving sneak.
There he was, acting so nice to me.
Old pink tush knows that as long as he doesn't retaliate I play the dragon to his Saint George.
It doesn't matter.
Something bad is bound to happen to you, and he'll get the blame.
With my luck nothing rotten will happen to me for years.
[Chuckling.]
- [Laughing.]
- What? I, uh I smell a rat, and it's me.
[Chuckling.]
I don't think I like the sound of that smell.
This is the most brilliant idea a sick mind ever had.
I'm gonna play a practical joke on myself.
- That doesn't sound very practical.
- Sure it does.
Charles will get blamed, and I'll be vindicated.
And then I can stop lurking in dark shadows and alleyways.
- That idea is not half bad.
- It's all bad.
That's what makes it so great.
[Laughs.]
- ##[Jukebox.
Big Band.]
- See, this is Fort Meade - and right there is Dale City.
- Oh.
I can visit my folks on weekends.
No, no.
The The army has obviously fouled up your orders.
Nobody gets stationed - I did.
Home.
- Wow.
It's been a long time.
I'm really looking forward to it.
Here you are, ma'am.
One scotch for the Irish major.
- How about a refill on that soda, Captain? - No, thank you.
I gotta be going.
Probably just as well.
A couple of classy customers like yourselves could ruin this club's reputation.
Where are you going? It's so early.
- I have to write a letter to my brother.
- Again? You wrote him last night.
Oh, no.
Last night I wrote my father.
Oh.
Well, what's the difference? You'll be home before the letter gets there.
- Oh, I hope not.
I'm telling him to pick me up at the airport.
- Oh.
- Where's Winchester? Let's get this over with.
- He'll be here any minute.
- You sure you got this straight? - It's very complicated, but let's see if I'm close.
We go into the club.
Klinger directs us to a table.
You sit against the far wall in a chair that is covered with glue.
- Isn't that great? - Wonderful.
- I've been practicing my humiliated look all day.
- Pierce, you wanted to see me? Charles, indeed I do.
- Well? - I behaved very badly toward you today.
Oh, Pierce, you are too modest.
Your behavior was disgusting, reprehensible.
Even worse.
I'd like to make amends.
Really.
- Can I buy you a drink? - Oh! - The rogue attempts to assuage his conscience.
- Come on.
And it And it will cost him money.
- That's wonderful.
Yeah, I accept.
- Oh.
Ah.
Thank you.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.
- Your table's right over there.
- Thank you, Max.
Oh, don't forget.
This is on Mr.
Pierce's tab.
He's the lanky fellow with the egg on his face.
- Would you like to join us? - Oh, no, thanks.
I caught your matinee performance in O.
R.
I'll be in my tent.
Okay.
Good.
You sit there.
Uh, no, no! - Uh, no.
Why don't you sit over here, Charles? - Why? - Huh? - What possible difference could it make where I sit? Because You know.
Well, you saw that ugly mob before.
I gotta keep my back to the wall.
Oh, yeah, well, that's quite understandable.
The survival instinct is strong in the lower species.
Oh, my! What has happened? I'm not stuck to my chair.
Uh, I suddenly feel as though there is something very wrong down there.
No.
No! Oh, my scheming friend.
Now I understand why you so carefully ushered me to this chair.
- No.
- Hawkeye, I don't believe you.
Enough is enough.
Charles, I swear.
There's been a mistake.
Oh, oh, indeed.
There has.
But it was mine.
Oh, h-honestly.
In believing for the briefest moment that you were actually a civilized human being.
[Groans.]
[Crowd Murmuring.]
Max, give me a knife.
- Major, don't.
It's not worth it.
- For my pants.
- Oh.
- [Groans.]
Attention.
Attention, all personnel.
[Chuckles.]
It would appear that old Doc Funny Pants is at it again and once again, I am the butt of his joke.
[All Booing.]
Please, please, please.
We must all remember that the poor man is demented.
He's obviously suffering from a fanny fetish.
[All Laughing.]
Thank you all very much.
You are indeed a source of inspiration during these [Gasps.]
Difficult times.
I assure you.
I shall endure.
[Cheering.]
Thank you, Max.
Thank you.
Klinger, I will need another pair of trousers.
- [Laughs.]
Perhaps, uh, several.
- [All Laughing.]
No telling how often I'll be torpedoed by Rear Admiral Pierce.
Thank you.
It was supposed to be this chair.
This is getting pretty embarrassing, you know.
If you plan any more stupidity, just plan it alone.
[Shouting.]
Pants, pants.
About a 42, extra pompous.
- [Metal Clangs.]
- Oh! [Speaking Arabic.]
Oh! I've got the supply requisitions, sir.
I'll check 'em as soon as I put a little twinkle in Teddy's peepers.
Great man, T.
R.
Tough as a two-bit steak.
- How true.
Sir, could I ask you something? - [Groans.]
Got too much red in the man's cheeks.
Ah, hell, I'll just say he spent the day at the beach.
Sir, this is kind of important.
I need some advice on a sensitive matter.
Advice, huh? Well, why didn't you say so? - What's your problem, son? - Oh, no, sir.
It's not mine.
Really.
It's, uh It's about this friend in a MASH unit.
Uh, not here.
Back in Toledo.
Right.
I hear the fighting's been real fierce back there lately.
Well, the thing of it is, my friend knows something bad about somebody.
Something that's gotta be told but he doesn't want to be a dirty, lowdown, squealing stool pigeon.
Son, if there's something going on around here that I should know about you'd be right to tell me.
Now you've gone and forced it out of me.
Well Oh, boy.
I don't know how to say this.
Last night, kind of late, I had to get something from the supply room and I found Captain Whitfield in there all alone in the dark and drunk as a skunk.
Huh.
That's pretty strange.
And there's something else.
L I didn't think much of it at the time but yesterday in O.
R.
, I had to stop her from giving you the wrong type blood.
And the bottle was labeled plain as day.
I think maybe I better have a talk with Major Houlihan about this.
Helen Whitfield is the best nurse I have! - I'm not saying she ain't.
- What you're saying is there's a double standard here.
- A woman can't get a little drunk.
- That's not what Sure, Pierce and Hunnicutt and all of the guys - can get blottoed and act like fools all the time - Margaret, l Even you have been known to crawl back to your tent on all fours at all hours of the night! All right.
Hold the insolence.
I'm sorry.
Margaret, your point is well taken and certainly well heard.
God knows life in the service is no bed of roses.
More than a fair share of military folk wind up with their head in the bottle.
Now your friend was drinking pretty heavily in the supply room alone.
Doesn't that sound the tiniest bit peculiar? She probably just wanted a little privacy.
That's all.
Uh-huh.
And what about the problem in O.
R.
? - So, one little problem.
- One that we know about.
I wonder how many we don't know about.
We can't afford to take chances in O.
R.
You two go way back, Margaret, so let me just ask you flat out.
Have you ever known her to have a drinking problem? - Absolutely not.
- Okay, if you say so.
Don't worry, sir.
I'll take care of it.
I'm sure it was just a onetime thing.
I just lied through my teeth for you.
You told me before you came here you were off the booze! - I am.
- Oh! Then who was that last night on the floor in the supply room? Okay.
Okay.
It was me.
So what's the big deal? I hopped off the wagon for one night.
This, uh This place is It's no picnic, you know.
Oh, don't give me that, Helen! That's too easy.
You've been here for two months, and you've been drinking for years.
Things were different in the old days.
In this unit, you can't take three-day weekends.
You can't be the party girl you used to be.
Come on, Margaret.
You know me.
When the bell rings, I'm always ready.
Well, you didn't answer it yesterday.
Colonel Potter just told me you nearly gave a patient the wrong blood type.
Did that have anything to do with the booze? Absolutely not.
L I made a mistake.
I grabbed the wrong bottle.
Oh, you're n You're not turning that into a big drinking problem? I'm sorry, but I can't let you work in O.
R.
I'm going to put you in the lab.
And now I'm gonna have to figure out something to tell Colonel Potter.
I'm an O.
R.
Nurse.
How can you do this to me? Because I care about you.
If you care about me, couldn't you just drop it? People's lives are at stake.
Not to mention your career.
And now mine.
Helen, we have to face this.
You may have a serious problem.
That's ridiculous.
This This happens to people.
Our life is no bed of roses.
But if I'm gonna help you, you've gotta level with me.
Margaret, I know you went out on the limb for me but I tell you there's no problem.
You've got to give me a chance to prove myself.
I'll do anything to keep this off my record.
Don't you think I want to believe you? I can't afford to take a chance.
I'm putting you in the lab.
And if there's another foul-up, it goes on your record.
Margaret, you're my best friend.
I won't let you down.
You can watch me like a hawk.
I won't touch another drop.
I promise.
Okay, okay.
Klinger, old pal, old buddy.
Forget it! I'm tapped out.
I haven't got a cent to my name.
Don't worry.
All I want to borrow from you is a little bit of your time.
I want to play a joke, and B.
J.
Just quit as my partner.
Oh, great.
I love this stuff.
So, what are we gonna do to Major Winchester's pants this time? Soak 'em in lighter fluid and burn 'em off of him? Or the old exploding belt trick.
Major Winchester's pants are strictly off-limits.
I never want to see that keister again.
The recipient of this tomfoolery will be Ben Pierce.
- You're gonna pull your own pants down? - Wrong, but you catch on fast.
This joke on me is not gonna backfire the way the one in the "O" Club did.
I think I need a compass for this conversation.
Are you trying to say that the joke and the glue were supposed to be on you? Of course they were.
Don't you remember? You were in on the whole thing.
You know what, Captain? I think the joke really was on you.
Charles, I have something incredible to tell you.
Here you are, Pierce.
Let me make this easy for you.
There you go.
No, no.
I don't want your pants.
I come in peace.
Oh, no need to pull my leg, Pierce.
Here you go.
Now you say, "Gotcha, Charles.
Ha, ha, ha.
" And then you leave.
- How can I make you listen to me? - Cannot.
Okay.
Fine.
Here you go.
Here you are.
Look.
Here's a show of good faith.
Oh, the nudist magazines have finally taken their toll, eh? No, no, no.
Nothing like that.
All I want is a brief conversation.
- Concerning what? - Concerning your enemy and mine, B.
J.
Hunnicutt.
This is a man with two faces - each one containing a forked tongue.
- Why? What's he done? Everything.
I was supposed to sit in that glue in the Officers Club only he arranged it so the chairs would be switched and you'd get it again.
Mm-hmm.
You expect me to believe this, Pierce? Charles, I swear I'm telling the naked truth.
As As Klinger is my witness.
He was the one who switched the chairs on B.
J.
's instructions.
And it was B.
J.
's idea that you go bareback in the O.
R.
Too.
Pierce, this sounds like the rantings of a lunatic.
- Are you telling me this is true? - Absolutely.
Our own clean-cut, adorable, soft-spoken B.
J is a perverse genius.
He magnificently orchestrated things so you'd get humiliated I'd get blamed, and he'd get his jollies.
My word.
Machiavelli would have been proud.
- But it's not over yet.
- No? You know the old saying: He who lives by the joke shall die by the joke.
[Birds Chirping.]
- [Laughing.]
- Oh, boy.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- [All.]
Hi! - Hi.
- You come here often, big fella? - [Chuckles.]
Would you excuse me, ple Oh! - [All.]
Ooh! - He's shy.
- Yes.
- Mm-hmm! - Oh.
- What's the matter? - Oh, nice touch, Hawkeye.
- [All Giggle.]
Anybody got a robe I can borrow? - I'd love to help you out, but mine are at the cleaners.
- You wouldn't look good in green.
Ladies, you got a new roommate.
As long as I don't have a thing to wear - there is nothing gonna get me out of this bed.
- [Man.]
Attention, personnel.
- War marches on.
We've got wounded.
- Except that.
Pardon me while I, uh, slip into something embarrassing.
Sure.
Ooh.
Nice wheels! - Bye.
- See ya! Excuse me.
[All Laughing.]
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Sorry, Dr.
Hunnicutt.
They made me do it.
Smile, Hunnicutt.
Say cheesecake.
[All Laughing.]
- Can I have my pillow back? - No.
I see your friend Captain Whitfield over there.
- How's she faring? Still in dry dock? - She's just great.
One way or another I've made sure that she hasn't been alone for the past two days so if she's sneaking any booze, it's been intravenously.
Thanks.
Wait a minute.
- What is this? - Our own version of beef stew, ma'am.
It looks awful.
No more than usual.
It's got things in it.
[Screams.]
They're crawling on me! - Get off! Get off! - Calm down! - Don't touch me.
! Get away.
! - What is it? What's the matter? [Screaming.]
They're everywhere! - They're everywhere! - Stop it! They're everywhere.
! Kellye, paraldehyde! Five c.
c.
's! - [Screaming.]
- What's with her? She's nuts.
No, she's not.
She's got the d.
t.
's.
- She didn't seem drunk.
- You don't get 'em when you're drunk.
- You get 'em when you're drying out.
- I'm sorry, sir.
- I would have told you if I'd known it was this bad.
- I know.
Obviously she fooled a lot of people.
But worst of all herself.
- I'm so cold.
- It's okay.
It's okay.
It's all right.
It's okay.
It's okay.
See? I told you I could do it, Margaret.
I'm keeping my word.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
"and in just a short time I've really made a lot of progress.
"I'm not afraid anymore.
"It's not so difficult to admit you're an alcoholic when there are many others here who are.
" Sounds good.
The biggest step in recovering is admitting you've got a problem.
- I sure hope she makes it.
- Yeah.
Me too.
This kind of news calls for a little toast.
What do you say, Margaret? Good idea, sir.
Klinger, we'll both have a scotch and water.
- And hold the scotch.
- I gotcha.
Oh.
These came out great.
That B.
J.
Is the living end.
Proof positive that behind every great man there's a great behind.
These are wonderful.
What took you so long with these? Well, to develop photos of this sort, you need more than a darkroom.
You need a dark alley.
Ah, ah.
Not funny.
Not funny.
My, isn't he the testy one? He's gonna be absolutely beside himself when he sees those 8-by-10's on the bulletin board.
- No.
- Yeah.
[Screams.]