M*A*S*H (MASH) s09e17 Episode Script

Z417 - Bless You, Hawkeye

[Man On P.
A.
] Attention, all personnel, this is your wake-up call.
It is now 0130, and we have an ambulance in the compound.
Who says there's no nightlife in Korea? [Chattering] Pretty light tonight.
Just got three.
Oh, business is bad.
Isn't that good? - Let's see what you got there.
- Ooh-ee.
We got the starter kit for a fragment collection.
- Get some plasma going.
- Yes, Doctor.
You're soaked.
What'd you get hit by, a water bomb? I fell in a ditch.
Is it anything serious? Am I gonna be okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You just have a fractured wrist and some lacerations and a little water on the knee and on the other knee and on the elbow.
Take him inside.
Bad leg wound.
Hold that pressure bandage very tight.
Tight, tight! Get him prepped.
- Okay.
- How does it look? - Oh, you're in luck, Colonel.
Your patient didn't show up.
- What? We got everything under control.
Why don't you go back and go to sleep? Okay, just following doctor's orders.
[Sneezes] [Sneezing] Pierce, will you kindly shut up? Charles, Charles, don't be hasty.
I know it's difficult for you, but show a little compassion.
- Hawk, you coming down with something? - No, no, I'm fine.
- You're sure? A cold? The flu? - No.
- Hay fever.
- Beej, I don't have a cold.
It's just a little sneezing.
Oh, well, in that case, shut up! - [Sneezes] - [All] God bless you.
- You need a hankie there, Pierce? - No, I'm fine.
It has been brought to my attention that the keys to the lab are pulling a Judge Crater on us.
You've got to remember to return them.
- [Sneezes] - Uh, Padre, pass this along to Pierce.
Certainly, Colonel.
I think Pierce could use that.
- Pass it to Pierce.
- No, I don't need it.
I'm fine.
He doesn't need it.
- [Sneezes] - Padre, about-face that linen.
Pierce, when it comes to you, both you and your nose blow.
No need to make those sniffles community property.
I don't need it.
I don't have a cold.
[Sneezes] Pierce, if the sneeze fits - I'm all right.
Will you take the word of a doctor? - He doesn't have a fever.
So, maybe I'm allergic to Charles.
Stuffiness makes me sneeze.
Pierce, it could be an allergy.
Go take a shower.
You might wash off whatever's eating you, and the steam can't hurt your hooter.
- You need an asafetida bag.
- Asa what? Asafetida bag.
You take a clove of garlic, hang it around your neck and let the fumes do the rest.
[Inhales] - It also keeps away vampires.
- I'm a human being, not a salami.
Ignore him.
What you need is some eucalyptus.
[Laughs] Eucalyptus? You must mean camphorated oil.
Arsenic will solve your problems, Pierce.
I know it would solve mine.
Will you people keep your business out of my nose? [Chattering] Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Pierce, I know it ain't your fault, but your nose is getting in everybody's way.
I'm taking you out of the game.
I'm sending you to the showers.
- Now wait a minute - You're outta here! You'll be needing some fresh towels.
I'll get them, sir.
Mighty thoughtful of you, lad.
I just want you to know.
The only reason I'm taking this shower is that today happens to be the second Tuesday of the month.
- ## [Vocalizing] - Hey, Hawk.
Didn't your mother ever teach you to knock before entering a strange man's shower? You would berate the man who holds your cure in the palm of his hand? - I bring camphorated oil.
- Oh, just what the doctor didn't order.
In case you haven't noticed, I'm not sneezing.
- Well - Hello, all.
Hawkeye, Major Houlihan asked me to give you this essence of eucalyptus for your sneezing.
What's the matter? Isn't she man enough to bring it in herself? - Will you people leave me alone? - [Margaret] Make sure he uses all of it! - He's using camphorated oil! - That stuff stinks! Essence of eucalyptus doesn't exactly smell like roses.
In case you haven't noticed, and you haven't, I'm not sneezing.
Ah, Pierce.
Just stopped by to see how goes the nose.
Oh, good, we have a quorum.
In that case, I'd like to make a motion this shower be adjourned.
- Pierce, you're not sneezing.
- The devil, you say.
I told you all your nose needed was a good steam-cleaning.
Colonel, you're absolutely right.
Now, if you people would get outta here, it's time for my rinse cycle.
What'd I tell ya? Hot showers for a cold, cold showers for the hots.
- That's a new one on me.
- Anything would be better than this stuff.
[Growling] [Yells, Sneezes] This is Corporal Brooks.
Leg wound and shattered patella.
He had lice, so we had to use sulfur powder.
You're lucky, son.
In my day, we used to get rubbed down with lanolin.
Took care of the lice, but your skivvies kept sliding off.
Hello.
Sorry I'm late for the tour.
I left my camera back at the hotel.
Uh, the major's filling me in on our new arrivals.
I hope you're here as a doctor, not a patient.
No, I'm fine.
This is the calm after the storm.
- All right, Major, who's next? - This is Private Caputo.
Fractured wrist and prolonged exposure.
- Came in soaking wet.
- We're watching him for signs of pneumonia.
An ounce of prevention, I always say.
That's why I tell Mildred to keep snow tires on the Hudson year-round.
Private Magnuson.
Shrapnel.
Oh, I see we're using neomycin ointment on him.
He's allergic to tetracycline.
Dr.
Hunnicutt thought it would be a good idea to try it.
Pierce, let's keep an eye on this fella.
If neomycin is as good as its press releases it could be a full-time weapon in our arsenal.
- Right.
- Margaret, thanks for filling me in.
Next time I sleep through an O.
R.
Session, I'll do it a mite easier.
Thank you, sir.
- Sulfur powder, neomycin.
We've sure come a long way.
- Yeah.
I remember when penicillin was just last week's bread.
- Adios, Pierce.
- So long, Colonel.
- [Sneezes] - All right, Pierce.
Unless that was one of the seven dwarfs, I'm declaring you off-limits.
Oh, come on.
That wasn't a sneeze.
It was an aftershock.
Whatever it was, I don't want you spreading it around here.
- I'm sure it's not contagious.
It's just an allergy.
- Oh, you're sure, are you? Would you care to tell me what method you used to arrive at that diagnosis? I just know.
I can tell.
Ah, the old surefire "I can tell" method.
Spoken like a true patient.
We doctors like to do things a little more scientifically - chest X-ray, a simple sed rate.
- No, come on.
Believe me.
No, wait, look, Colonel.
It's not necessary.
Humor an old man, Pierce.
Spent seven years in med school.
Doctoring's been my life.
I'd hate to think I wasted it.
Well, all those tests could take till tomorrow.
Don't worry, Pierce.
Your job will still be waiting for you when you get back.
But until we know that you're not contagious, you're physician non grata.
Oh, great.
- ## [Humming] - I don't believe this.
I've been plucked and probed, nooked and crannied, and for what? So Potter could tell me what I knew.
I'm not contagious.
I'm allergic to something.
What are you upset about? Now you can go back to post-op.
No, now he thinks I may be allergic to some of the patients in there.
[Sneezes] I bet it's something in here.
Something small.
- Then it's certainly not Charles's ego.
- Or Hunnicutt's feet.
Something new.
Something that's never been in here before.
[Sneezes] My laundry.
I touch it and I get sick.
- Of course, it's clean.
- No, I just got this back yesterday.
They're probably using some new kind of soap.
That's probably it.
Bye-bye, shorts.
- [Sneezes] - Now you see what you've done? - You stopped wearing your undies, you caught a cold.
- What is that? - What? - That cologne.
I've never seen that in here before.
- I beg your pardon? - How dare you bring this in here.
You highwayman! That was a gift from my mother.
- When did she stop shaving? - [Sneezes] It's gotta be in here.
Something.
Something is in What's this? - Hey, what are you - Peg should never have sent this to you.
- Look at this.
Look, fuzz, fuzz.
- Hawk, take it easy.
You know what happens when that gets in your nose? You sneeze.
Oh, now, no, no.
I'll put it away.
[Sneezes] Pollen.
The oldest allergy in the world.
Look at this.
Why are we letting weeds grow here? Our last gardener tried to mow the minefield.
Weeds make pollen.
Pollen fills the air.
Elementary.
It's clearing up.
I can feel it.
I'm getting much better.
Much better.
"Dust: Negative.
Ragweed: Negative.
Insect, boar, arthropods: Negative.
" You mean Pierce didn't react to anything? We even tested him for neomycin and sulfur powder which probably rules out those patients in post-op.
It's rather futile merely knowing what a patient might not have.
Colonel, I think we should call in an allergy specialist.
I wish we could, Margaret, but I don't think there's one in all of Korea.
So, that leaves it up to us.
Unfortunately, we've already tried everything we know.
[Sneezes, Breathing Heavily] - What are you doing out of bed? - Yes, you look terrible.
[B.
J.
] Hawk? I'm gonna die.
Sit down.
- I'm gonna die.
I know it.
- Oh, Lord! Take it easy.
You are not gonna die.
Okay, that does it.
Put him in the V.
I.
P.
Tent until we can put a handle on this thing.
- Come on.
- Start an I.
V.
Of Benadryl, adrenaline - Five percent "D"and water.
- Five percent "D" and "W.
" - Yes, sir.
- He looks much worse.
- Did you see how swollen his hands are? - His eyes looked awful.
I've never seen anything like this before.
What do you think it is? I don't know, Padre, but I think we've gone as far as we can with his body.
Time we found out what's on his mind.
- Hey, Sidney.
- Hi, B.
J.
- Boy, am I glad to see you.
- Ah.
Glad you could make it, Sidney.
Sorry to get you up here on such short notice.
Oh, that's okay, Colonel.
I was in the middle of a group session with some of my colleagues, holding a straight flush, queen high.
But that's all right.
I get one of those every five or six years.
- Hello, Sidney.
- Hello, Father.
- So, where is he? - [Hawkeye Sneezes] - There he blows.
- Mm-hmm.
Any change? - Only for the worse.
- He's convinced he's going to die.
You know, this is supposed to be my room.
Forgive my appearance.
If I'd known you were coming, I would have put out the good I.
V.
Oh, that's okay.
I don't mind the domestic.
[Sneezes] Judging from the way you look, I must have missed some party.
I'll leave you two alone.
I'll stop by later, see how you are.
- Yeah.
- He may get a little drowsy.
That's Benadryl.
Thank you, Margaret.
Someday you'll make a healthy man very happy.
[Sneezes] So, I see they transferred my case to the psycho ward.
Well, the marines were busy, so they called me.
How 'bout we talk for a while? As long as you don't ask what I've been eating or breathing or what soap I've been using.
Actually, I'm more concerned with what you're feeling.
I'm swimming in cold sweat.
I'm a doctor, and I don't know what's happening to me.
[Coughs] Sidney, I'm scared.
It's certainly understandable.
I'm gonna die.
I wouldn't order the hearse yet.
I have a hunch what you're feeling is just a symptom.
[Sneezes] Symptom of what? That's a good place for us to start.
When did you begin sneezing? The night before last.
It woke me up.
- What were you doing before that? - Sleeping.
Why? - Before that.
- They woke us up with wounded.
It was early in the morning.
Tell me about the cases you handled.
[Yawns] It was a very light night.
I just had one.
A fractured wrist.
Could have done it with my eyes closed.
In fact, I'm not sure I didn't.
Sounds like a typical night in Korea.
What happened after that? [Yawns] L-I went to bed.
Which is not a typical night in Korea.
I think the Benadryl's catching up with you.
Why don't we continue this conversation when we can both be here? I'm sorry I couldn't have given you much more.
Don't worry.
You did fine.
- Sidney? - Yeah.
- You have any idea what this might be? - No, but I think you do.
- Me? - Mm-hmm.
And you'll tell yourself when you're ready.
- So what did they send for you for? - [Laughs] - Well, this is it.
- Quite a lot of personal effects.
No wonder they put a priest in charge.
Now that you mention it, a dishonest chaplain could make out like a bandit.
Okay, let's see the stuff from the three patients who came in the night before last.
Let's, uh, start with Corporal Brooks.
Uh-huh, Brooks.
Yeah, here we are.
Treated by Major Winchester.
- Sidney, why are you so interested in these men? - It's not just these men.
I'm interested in everything that Hawkeye was involved with that night.
After we're done here, I'd like to check the Swamp, poke around triage.
Very well.
I'll be glad to show you around.
And tomorrow, when these patients wake up, I wanna talk to them.
Not much here.
Where's his uniform? We had to burn it.
We'll issue him a new one when he leaves.
- This poor fella came in with lice.
- Lice? - Is that helpful? - Search me.
Let's see, uh Let's see Private Caputo, treated by Dr.
Pierce.
[Grunts] All right.
Caputo.
Caputo.
Caputo.
Let's see.
Ah.
There you go.
No uniform here either.
Is there a lice epidemic? No, he came in soaking wet.
He'd fallen in a ditch of moldy water.
His clothes were past laundering.
- Is that what I smell? Mold.
- Yes.
It's a pretty common allergy.
That was one of the first things they tested him for but the scratch test turned up negative.
Next, Private Magnuson.
Yeah.
Oh.
You know, Sidney, I feel so helpless.
I wish I had an inkling of what you're looking for.
Father, when I know what I'm looking for, I'll have found it.
- Can we take a break, Sidney? - Good idea.
I just don't think you're gonna find any big clue in what happened that night.
Unless you wanna hear another spellbinding account of how l [Sneezes] Shaved.
Look, if you're looking for craziness, why limit it to that one day? There's craziness all over this place.
It comes with the territory.
No, I don't think that's it.
Listen to the way you're talking.
You're certainly not holding in your feelings.
When it comes to the war, you never do.
- So then what is it? - I don't know.
But think of the problem as a land mine that's inside your head for a long time.
Something happened the other night to trip it.
We'll know what it was when we find out what made you set it.
- Tell me about your childhood.
- My childhood? Oh, come on, Sidney.
You can do better than that.
Be good to me.
It's the first thing they taught us in psychiatry school.
Well, I was very young at the time.
[Chuckles] Okay, all right, okay.
My childhood.
Well, I grew up in Crabapple Cove, Maine.
A lobster in every pot and two Methodists in every garage.
Up the road we had a swimming hole.
Every year we had a white Christmas, starting at Halloween.
Sounds like Norman Rockwell would have been bored.
Oh, we had a tidal wave of Americana.
You're lucky.
Where I come from the swimming hole was a fire hydrant on 78th Street.
[Sneezes] No, we had the real thing.
Ours came totally furnished with reeds and frogs and the mandatory tire swing.
- Did you go there often? - Oh, sure.
I wouldn't let a good pond go to waste.
My cousin Billy and I used to go there and fish and swim.
In the springtime, we used to go wading up to our knees, looking for pollywogs.
My mom used to get really furious 'cause we'd come home all soaking wet.
What was Billy like? He was the best.
I loved him.
He was the older brother I never had.
When I was six, I thought he was a grown-up.
He was 12.
Oh, he was important to you.
Well, everybody liked Billy.
Even the grown-ups liked him.
He was the yo-yo champ of the district.
He used to steal his father's police gazettes and, uh, we'd read them in the garage, in the dark.
Which is why I don't know anything about sex.
Yeah, Billy What a guy.
Then, well, later when I got older I worked at Ballinger's Drugstore.
I worked at Ballinger's Drugstore.
I used to deliver prescriptions on my bike.
Anything wrong with the job? I wasn't too crazy about old man Ballinger, but I made a lot in tips.
I made enough to buy a savings bond.
Were you ever mad at Billy? No, I told you, I loved him.
What's with the fist? Nothing.
Come on.
What are you, kidding? When I was seven, Billy saved my life.
He did? How? When I was seven years old, we were on a pond, on that pond in, um in our town, and l we went fishing together in the middle of the pond.
We borrowed a rowboat.
My, uh I fell out of the boat and, uh and I caught a lungful of water.
And I panicked and I sank right to the bottom, and then Billy pulled me out.
Saved my l-I almost drowned.
You must have been terrified.
[Sneezes] L-I was, uh I blacked out.
When I woke up, I smelled like a wet burlap sack.
Thank God for Billy.
Oh, I'd be dead if Billy hadn't helped me into the water.
He helped you into the water? No, he helped me out of the water.
The He helped me into the boat.
Either What's the difference? Either way.
No, it's important.
A couple of times you referred to water.
Besides the swimming hole, you mentioned something about a tidal wave and, uh - swimming in cold sweat.
- Yeah.
So what do you think it meant when you said Billy helped you into the water? I didn't mean anything.
Billy didn't help me into the water.
Well, how'd you get into the water? I put my fishing rod down on the this blue wooden seat in the middle of the boat.
And I stood up to get some more bait.
And then I went into the water.
And then And I remember there was laughing right before I went in, and then I didn't hear anything.
And then I couldn't hear anything.
I couldn't see anything.
There was just all this water.
And I remember, l-I tried to scream, and nothing came out.
And then this hand came down, grabbed me by the collar and yanked me out.
But how did you get into the water? L-I stood up.
And he was kidding around.
He pushed me! [Sobbing] Why did he do that? I loved him! I loved him! L I hated him! Why did he push me? [Breathing Heavily] I got I got back in the boat.
He said to me "You're so clumsy.
If it wasn't for me, you'd be dead.
" And I thanked him.
He pushed me in the water and I hated him so much for that.
And all I could do was thank him.
Why couldn't you say you hated him? - I couldn't.
I couldn't say that.
- Why? I couldn't.
I couldn't even think it.
I loved him.
So you altered the event.
He didn't push you in.
He only pulled you out.
And with that little piece of reality safely tucked away so was your conflict.
- Until the day before yesterday.
- Uh-huh.
What brought it back? What brought it back? [Sighs] Maybe Private Caputo.
He came here badly frightened, smelling of mold smelling, as you said, like a wet - Wet Wet burlap sack.
- Like a wet burlap sack.
An odor can be the most powerful memory trigger.
You know what's funny? Here we are in the middle of all this shooting and I get laid out by something that happened to me in a pond when I was seven.
Oh, sure, it's the little battlefields the ponds, the bedrooms, the school yards that can leave some of the worst scars.
Hey, Sidney, do you hear what I hear? - What? - Nothing.
I'm not sneezing anymore.
Sounds nice.
- ## [Jukebox: Jazz] - And a 10.
No help, Father.
Eight here.
Sidney, your queens are high.
Gentlemen, Patty and Maxene are onstage.
Laverne is waiting in the wings.
Cost you four bits to see her.
Well, I'm from Missouri, but you've shown me enough.
Fold.
I took a vow of poverty, but not suicide.
- Dealer says no deal.
- I don't know whether you've got that third queen or not.
Ah, I'd be crazy to bet against a psychiatrist.
- [Sneezes] - [Mulcahy] Bless you.
On second thought, I think you may be suppressing something.
I'll call.
Three queens.
Read 'em and weep.
You should never fall for that old fake sneezing trick.