M*A*S*H (MASH) s10e02 Episode Script

Z423 - Identity Crisis

A little shrapnel to remove.
No problem.
Just missed your tattoo.
"Gloria," huh? That's funny.
You don't look like a Gloria.
Come on.
I gotta keep this.
! I gotta keep my bag.
! Leave my bag.
! Come on.
! Leave my bag alone.
! I gotta keep it with me.
! Hey, you've got a nasty shoulder wound.
It's gonna require surgery.
I must insist that you check your luggage at the door.
- Come on.
It's all right.
- Well, okay.
But I gotta have it back as soon as I'm done.
- If you'd like, I'll insure it with Lloyd's of London.
- Thompson? - He needs me.
- Go ahead.
- I'm freezin'.
- It's okay.
- Keep him on fluids and plasma.
Type and cross-match him.
- Yes, Doctor.
- What's up? - Transfusion reaction.
While you're at it, check that stuff, see if it is what it says it is.
- You want help with the leg? - It's under control.
- Corporal Levin? - Yes? The blood they sent you down with from Battalion Aid doesn't quite agree with you.
Don't worry.
Before we put you on the table, we'll set you up with a bottle of our finest red.
Let's get him out of here.
- Is this too tight? - No, that's fine.
You're in good hands, Mathes.
She used to be fashion coordinator to King Tut.
Hey, that joke is 4,000 years old.
- At least give it a smirk of respect.
- Don't stop there.
Cover that whole tattoo.
I don't ever want to see it again.
- That's no way to treat a lady.
- I just got a Dear John letter.
The only thing I got left of Gloria is her name on my arm.
Dear John letters are another painful part of war.
It happens a lot.
Well, not like this.
"I'm engaged to Rob Webster.
"I doubt you know him, but perhaps you've heard of his family.
"They own the bank.
"I'm sure you can understand why it would be best "if prominent people like that didn't know about my relationship with you.
If you really do care for me, you won't mind sending back my picture.
" - Isn't she one for the money? - What a scheming little social climber.
You can't really blame her.
I mean, I am a nobody.
That little hussy's the nobody.
You're a brave young man fighting for your country.
Nice try, Major.
I must have been nuts to think she'd wait for me.
Hey, take it from old love-'em-and-lose-'em You'll soon forget what's-her-name.
Listen to this man.
He's a doctor.
- Margaret, can I see you a minute? - Be right there.
- Uh, anything else? - Yeah, monitor his funny bone for any signs of mending.
- I think we've sorted out Levin's transfusion confusion.
- What was it? If a guy's got B-positive blood, it'd be nice if his dog tags didn't say A-positive.
- A mistake on his dog tags? - Sort of a blood typo.
- Didn't you know they were wrong? - No, ma'am.
Don't worry.
Most guys don't know they have a blood type till they see these things.
- Yeah, that's it.
- So, Margaret, we have a decision.
Either we get Levin new tags or we drain him and refill his body with A-positive.
We'd better get those new tags before you go back on the line.
- No, I'm not going back there.
- Oh? I mean, I'm, uh, goin' home in two weeks.
I got my orders in my wallet.
- You lucky devil.
- Wow! All the same, we better have "I" Corps do a rewrite on those dog tags.
All the same, we better have "I" Corps do a rewrite on those dog tags.
- Major.
- Major.
- Well, Corporal Rice, how's that shoulder doing? - Can I have my field pack? It's impolite to answer a question with a question.
- I believe I asked about your shoulder.
- It's fine.
Now, please, give me the bag.
Gently, gently.
You're gonna rip your sutures.
Just, uh, what is in that sack? - Your key to security.
- I beg your pardon? The name's Alvin Rice of Whedon, Webber and Dunsmuir investment counseling and mutual funds.
- Mutual funds, eh? - Have you thought about your future? You'd be surprised how many G.
S in your position haven't.
My good man, I'm not a G.
I'm an M.
, G.
I It's all okay.
As I always say, "If opportunity knocks but once, go to bed with your pants on.
" - Are you having a bad reaction to your medicine? - Listen, Doc.
Back in Kansas City I was on my way to being Whedon Webber's salesman of the year when my guard unit got activated.
But, as I always say, "A rose in a minefield is still a rose.
Just step lively.
" - If you've got a family, I'd recommend a growth fund.
Not just now.
Save your strength.
Try to get some rest before the market opens.
Save that.
If they had to foul up a guy's dog tags, why couldn't it have been his name? Nobody ever died from getting the wrong mail.
With the exception of draft notices.
Sounds like the army could use a lesson in administration from one Corporal Rice of the firm Whedon, Webber and Who Cares.
That guy's a real cutie.
He's got his arm in a sling, and he's twisting everybody else's.
He tried to sell me something called Security Fidelity Fund.
I just don't trust that name.
I suppose one should admire his spunk and originality but what kind of an idiot would invest hard-earned capital with a footslogger? I just made one of the smartest decisions of my entire life.
Any of you fellows familiar with Security Fidelity Fund? Margaret, friend and client to the footslogger.
You didn't really buy anything from that guy? Sixty shares.
Why? Is anything wrong with Security Fidelity? Margaret, you should know better than anyone there is no security in fidelity.
Go ahead, laugh now.
But we'll see who laughs last when I'm sitting pretty on Easy Street.
One thing I know If opportunity knocks but once, you better go to bed with your pants on.
I better go and change.
I'd be mortified to meet opportunity dressed like this.
You think you're the only one who wants to be rich? I hate to scoff and run, but I gotta get to post-op.
Is there anything I should know? No, everything was fine when I left, but I'm sort of worried about Jim Mathes.
- He's still so depressed over that little gold digger.
- You're concerned about him.
Call me an old softy, but I think that woman ought to be tarred and feathered.
Gee, Margaret, you're beautiful when you're vicious.
Somebody ought to do something to even the score with that scheming witch.
Quiet, Mrs.
De Sade.
I'm thinking.
- Corporal Levin? - I'm sorry, Father.
What is it? Just thought I'd introduce myself.
I'm the chaplain here, Father Mulcahy.
- I understand you're Jewish.
- Yeah, that's that's right.
I thought you'd like to know I do a wide range of services.
I'll be happy to accommodate you.
Are you Orthodox, Conservative or Reform? - I'm-I'm sorry? - What form of Judaism do you observe? - Oh, um, uh, Orthodox.
- Ah.
I think I should warn you, my Hebrew's a little rusty but it gets the point across.
And I can promise you a proper Sabbath service.
Now, where did I put that yarmulke? Uh, Father, thanks a lot, but I'm-I'm really I'm not that religious.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you said you were Orthodox.
Oh, I am.
I mean, my family is.
L- I haven't really kept up.
Ah, I understand perfectly.
I saw The Jazz Singer.
Hey, Levin.
I gotta talk to you.
Oh, uh, excuse me.
I hope I'm not interrupting a fatherly chat.
No, no, no, no.
We were finished.
If you need anything, just let me know.
Levin, there's a problem with your clothes.
We sent all the uniforms to be cleaned, but yours didn't come back.
Oh, yeah? We got one left over that's about your size, but it's got somebody else's laundry mark.
Oh, that's gotta be mine.
Uh, up on the line we always swap clothes.
Hey, me too! I used to swap with the nurses.
That's another story.
When you're ready to go, there'll be a uniform without your name on it.
You gotta think about your future, pal.
As I always say, "People don't plan to fail.
They fail to plan.
" That's a great idea.
I'd be happy to help.
Which one do you want my wife or my girlfriend? - This one'll be fine.
- Ooh, my girlfriend.
Good choice.
- Is that a sledgehammer she's holding? - Sure is.
That's how we met at the slaughterhouse.
- We worked side by side on the stun line.
- Romantic.
I'm sorry to wake you, Father, but he said he had to see you, and it wouldn't wait.
No problem.
No problem.
The house of the Lord is open 24 hours a day.
You wanted to see me, Corporal Levin? I have to talk to you, alone.
Excuse me.
Well, what is it, Corporal? Or may I call you Josh? - Father, will you hear my confession? - Of course.
Many non-Catholics have, uh, unburdened themselves to me.
Aren't you gonna wear your stole? Well, you understand, this is rather informal.
You're not a Catholic.
No, Father, please, I'd really appreciate it if you wore your stole.
Very well.
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
- It's been one month since my last confession.
- You've confessed before.
Father, please, please.
Just let me say it straight through, okay? Well, certainly, my son.
Night before last me and my buddies went out on patrol.
It was real dark.
We got lost.
All of a sudden there was shootin' from all sides.
That's how I got hit in the leg.
My buddies got killed.
The Reds came out of the woods to see if they got us.
One of'em even kicked me in the head but I-I didn't move.
I guess I fooled them, 'cause they left.
All the time I was layin' there I swore to myself that if I ever got out of that alive there would be no way there's no way that I'd ever go back to the fighting.
That was a terrifying experience.
But you mustn't reproach yourself for being afraid, Josh.
Josh Levin was one of my buddies who got killed that night.
He was goin' home in just two weeks.
I took his dog tags and his discharge orders.
My name is Gerald Mullen.
I must say, this is the most unusual confession I've ever heard.
Do you understand why I did it, Father? Oh, yes, I understand perfectly.
Aren't you going to give me penance to do? Well, first I'd like to know when you plan to end this masquerade.
I'm gettin' out of here alive.
That's something we all want.
Are you gonna give me penance to do or not? That wouldn't be appropriate.
I can't absolve you of a sin you have no intention of stopping.
What do you mean, "sin"? Is it a sin to want to stop killin' people? Of course not.
But your actions are sinful.
They include lying and deception.
What difference does it make? I'm not hurtin' anybody.
But what about yourself? Why, if you succeed in this charade you will virtually strip yourself of all identity.
You can be neither Levin nor Mullen.
Yeah, well, first things first.
Whoever I'll be, at least I'll be alive.
But what kind of a life will it be? Listen, I didn't ask you here for an argument.
I want forgiveness.
My son, I wish I could give it.
But how can I? You are virtually unrepentant.
What are you gonna do? You can't turn me in.
Oh, no.
No, I would never violate the sanctity of the confessional.
But I'd like your permission to discuss this with you outside of confession.
Perhaps that'll give you a little more time to think about it.
We can talk about it but I'm not changing my mind.
I'll pray for you, my son and for guidance.
Good night, Josh Gerald.
And who is this? My cousin Num-Num, in her roller derby uniform.
That was taken the day she was voted "Miss Hell On Wheels.
" - You must be very proud.
- Oh, yeah.
We always knew she was destined for greatness.
In grade school she was a bouncer in the cafeteria.
These'll be just perfect.
Oh, if you need more, I got some great action shots of my grandmother's bowling team.
Keep those handy.
- Dr.
Hunnicutt? - Mm-hmm.
We're having a problem with one of the patients.
Can you help? Sure thing.
What's up? Ah, the corporate corporal strikes again.
He won't stay in bed.
Every time I turn around, he's bothering another patient.
Pretty soon tomorrow's gonna be yesterday, and what'll you have to look forward to then? Hi, guys.
Sorry to break up the board meeting.
Rice, can't you leave these people alone? - This is a bed, not a seat on the stock exchange.
- Just trying to make a living.
No, you're trying to make a killing, and this is not the place for it.
Aw, come on, Doc.
This is restraint of trade.
We're trying to run a quiet little war here.
Nobody is interested in mutual funds.
Corporal, I've thought it over, and you are right.
Put me down for 25 shares of that Security Fidelity.
You know, for the grandson.
Lot of wisdom in what you said "People don't plan to fail.
They fail to plan.
" Oh, excuse me, Hunnicutt.
Am I interrupting something? - No, I think I am.
- Uh-huh.
Twenty-five shares.
Well, your wounds are healing nicely.
How about the rest of you? I'm alive.
That's about it.
Well, remember, don't use that arm for anything.
Even writing could put a strain on it.
Ah, Father Mulcahy.
A little coffee after dinner? - The undrinkable chasing the inedible.
- Huh? Oh.
- Major Winchester.
- Uh, you seem in a daze, even for you.
I'm sorry.
I was just, uh, lost in thought.
Charles, I'd like to talk to you about your patient Corporal Rice.
Ah, of Whedon, Webber and Ouijongbu.
He won't stay in bed.
He won't leave the other patients alone.
If he keeps it up, I'm going to stage a new production of Death of a Salesman.
Rice is an ill wind that blows no good, but I'm his physician and not his nanny.
I've talked till I'm blue in the face.
You want to take a crack at it, Father? Uh, actually, it's been my experience that when a person has decided to do something it's very difficult to make him change his mind.
Will you excuse me? I want to refill my coffee.
Come in, if you're on our side.
Ah, Padre.
Never locked a door in my life.
I ain't gonna start here.
- Don't care how bad the neighborhood is.
- Am I interrupting something? No, no, no.
Pierce was just here collecting snapshots.
Next thing I knew, I was sashayin' down Memory Lane.
So, what's buzzin' in your bonnet? Well, I have a couple of questions I'd like to ask you.
Completely hypothetical, of course.
Oh! Here's a snap of me alongside the new barbecue.
Built it myself.
Got complete plans out of an old Popular Mechanics.
It seems to be tilting a little bit to the left.
Mildred noticed that too.
I told her it was to keep the smoke away from the house.
She bought it.
Problem was, had to use toothpicks to keep the burgers from slidin' off.
- Yes, that's fascinating.
- Ah! First Thanksgiving when Bob and Evy brought little Skip.
That's Mildred givin' the tyke a sample of the candied yams.
A minute later, she had to change her blouse.
- Fine-looking boy.
- Yep.
Kid's gonna be in clover too, with the mutual funds I bought him.
Seein' these makes me feel less like I'm halfway around the world.
I don't care how poor a man is.
If he's got family, he's rich.
Now, then, Padre, what brings you here? Actually, I came in with a problem but I think you've just given me a possible solution.
Just remember, "Put something away before they put you away.
" You know, you're really profound.
How charming.
Nurse Kellye on the bed of Rice.
If you'll excuse me.
Corporal, do you think you could find time in your busy schedule for an examination? - Hey, no problem, Doc.
- Right.
Now, don't go far.
And do yourself a favor read this.
I will.
- Having trouble keeping up with the Dow Joneses here? - I'm doin' okay, I guess.
It's just tough sellin' to some of these guys when they're unconscious.
I could well imagine.
Will you? Please? Thank you.
- Oh, dear.
- What is it? - I was afraid of that.
- Of what? Well, it's rather difficult to explain.
- Do you know anything about anatomy? - No.
It's your latrickium.
The latrickium subversus, to be specific.
What's that? It's an arterial connection between the vocal cords and the shoulder blade.
It's, uh, in spasm.
I can see it grating.
- Wait a minute.
My vocal cords? - Oh, don't worry.
The chances that you'll lose your power of speech are one in 200.
Hey, my voice is my life.
My career depends on it.
There's gotta be somethin' I can do.
Now that you mention it, there is one thing.
- But it's rather strong medicine.
- Name it, I'll do it.
Well, you would have to go That would relax the latrickium and take the stress off the shoulder blade thereby easing the spasm up.
- Uh, do you think you could do that? - Of course, of course.
It's my job.
It's the only thing I can Wise lad.
You catch on fast.
- What's the word on Rice? - Mum.
Corporal Levin? Oh, hi, Father.
Well, it's almost time for you to go home, isn't it? Yeah.
I brought something for you.
- What is it? - I had your mail forwarded.
It would be a shame for you to go home without it.
- This is Levin's mail.
- You are Corporal Levin, aren't you? Yeah, that's right.
Well, there's one here from your father and one from your sister, I suppose.
And this one that says "S.
" Is probably from your girlfriend.
- I don't want to do this.
- Oh, I understand.
You're tired.
Why don't I read them to you? "Dear Joshua, Thanks for the gifts you sent from Tokyo.
"I use the samurai sword letter opener all the time.
"And your mother is crazy about the kimono.
"She looks like a regular Anna May Wong.
"Your Uncle Marvin got so excited you were coming home "that he gave us four quarts of free paint to redo your room "and we can't wait until you're in it.
"There's lots more to say "but I'll save it for when you come home.
"You know how your mother worries "but I told her she'll see for herself "when you come down the gangplank.
"We're counting the days.
Love, Papa.
" - Well, shall I read the one from your girlfriend? - No.
You said once that your actions were affecting nobody but yourself.
But these people will be waiting for Joshua Levin to come down the gangplank, and he won't.
And they'll never even know where he is or what became of him.
Excuse me, Corporal.
Okay, your pictures are ready, Mathes.
- What pictures? - These pictures.
- Who are these? - They're women.
All kinds of women.
Tall ones, short ones, blondes, brunettes.
- They're for the letter to your girlfriend.
- I ain't writin' her no letter.
We thought you might feel that way, so we took the liberty of composing one for you.
See if we caught your style.
"Dear Gloria, Congratulations on your engagement.
"I know your fiance's enormous wealth and power will make you happy.
"I would never stand in your way.
"And, as you requested, I am returning your picture.
"Since I cannot remember what you look like, I'm not sure which one is yours.
Please pick it out and return the rest to me.
Yours truly" - Et cetera, et cetera.
- Ready for your signature.
If you have no objection.
Hey, I got a great idea.
Let's send it postage due! Now departing gate number one, commuter service to the front making stops at foxholes, trenches and no-man's-land.
At gate number two, the Freedom Express, sleeper service to Seoul with connections to Mom, apple pie and home, sweet home.
- Board! - Hey, thanks for everything, Klinger.
Okay, Mathes.
Board! - Bye, Father.
- Good-bye, Corporal Levin.
I hope your decision is one you can live with.
So do I.
Can you see that Levin's family gets these? - Try to explain what happened.
- Of course I will.
God be with you, Gerald.
Thank you, Father.
- Hey, wait a second.
We got everybody.
- No, there was a mix-up.
Corporal Mullen.
Drop me off at Charlie Company? Sure.
Well, Corporal Rice, the time has come to say farewell.
- Well said.
- Dr.
Winchester! Dr.
Winchester, wait up! - What is it? - It's Corporal Rice's latrickiagram.
What? Stand fast there, Corporal.
This could be important.
- You see there? Mm-hmm.
- Ah! Oh, that's very interesting.
Wouldn't you say, Doctor? Miraculous.
I've never seen a latrickiagram quite like it.
- Winchester, you're brilliant.
- Oh, no.
Congratulations, Corporal Rice.
Your latrickium has healed completely.
Once again your voice will ring out like a cash register.
- Let's hit the road.
- Are you sure it's all right, Doc? Absolutely.
It's as if there were never anything wrong with it.
I'll be right with you! Thanks, Doc! Thanks! Hi-ho there! Alvin Rice is the name.
Mutual funds is my game.
Let me ask you a couple of questions.
Are you married? You're single, huh? You got any children? I've got a policy for you that'll knock your socks off.

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