M*A*S*H (MASH) s10e05 Episode Script

1G02 - Wheelers and Dealers

- Klinger.
Here's the mail.
- Great.
Just set it down.
- Thank you.
Nice to see you.
- Hey, speedball.
Why the bum's rush? Big poker game tomorrow.
I wanna clean up here so I can clean up there.
Poker, huh? I'm comin' back this way tomorrow.
- Mind if I stay for a few rounds? - Fine by me.
I thought I heard the mailman.
This month's TV payment.
Only two more, and the Du Mont's ours.
I hope this TV fad ain't over before I get back home.
Your money's safe with me, sir.
And tomorrow, the rest of it will be safe with me.
How come the premature burial? Why bother opening it when you know what it is? Well, I don't know what it is.
Why, lookee here.
Laundry inventory forms the very same ones you've been waiting for for three months.
I'll get right on it as soon as the game is over.
Did you not promise same-day service when these forms came in? No can do, sir.
This will take me three days.
By then, the war will be over, and I'll have to kiss the game good-bye.
Pucker up, son.
In the words of the immortal Bob Frost you have promises to keep and "piles" to go before you sleep.
- Aw, sir.
- "Never put off till tomorrow what you oughta do today or you'll end up putting off your whole life away.
" - More Jack Frost? - Nope.
My Grandma Mavis.
Works too hard for the rhyme, but the sentiment's there.
- What about the game? - Lad, Grandma Mavis's best homily went something like this.
"Do it! That's an order.
" Greetings.
Here's your stupid mail.
The only mailman who bites dogs.
How would you feel if some crummy paperwork knocked you out of tomorrow's poker game? War is dirty business.
Peg's rum cookies so obscenely delicious they have to be sent in a plain brown wrapper.
- Who cares? - Want one? Drown your sorrows.
Oh, no.
I'm not the kind of guy that turns to cookies the minute things go wrong.
The colonel will see you now.
Ah, sir.
I didn't realize it was washday at the OK Corral.
This seat's getting cracked and dried, and so is mine.
Well, lad, I see you've climbed out of the dumps.
Yes, sir.
And here's a notice from "I" Corps, and it's got your name on it.
Read it to me.
My hands have saddle sores.
It's a delinquency report.
It seems that one Sherman T.
Potter is charged with reckless driving in Kimpo.
Sufferin' buffalo chips.
And I thought I had sweet-talked that stupid lummox.
Goin' 25 in a 15-mile zone.
Mildred's sister goes faster than that with her walker.
Well, I know how to pay my debt to society.
I'll just pencil-whip this right outta here.
Sir, I'm shocked.
Every time before this you sent the violators off to a day of remedial driving school.
Don't you have a grindstone to put your nose to? Luckily for you, there's a class tomorrow.
Shouldn't what's good for the goose be good for the bird colonel? Touche.
But sure as shootin', I ain't takin' that class tomorrow.
- Book me a session for after the poker game.
- Poker game, sir? You wouldn't put off till tomorrow what you oughta do today and get Grandma Mavis really steamed? Okay.
" I'll take the lousy class.
Grandma Mavis had a saying for everything.
No wonder Grandpa Wilmer stomped on his hearing aid.
Oh! Aren't those the cookies you can't eat without an I.
? Yeah.
Rum cookies.
You want one? Mm.
Thank you.
Mm! - Where indigestion meets inebriation.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, for somebody thousands of miles from home doing what he hates you seem down in the dumps.
Peg's gotta take a job as a hostess at Papanek's Coffee Shop.
Oh, yeah? What's the problem? Is that kind of a rough place? No.
We used to eat there all the time.
So do our friends who she will now be waiting on.
So why is she doing it? It's called paying off our second mortgage, which is due in six months.
What do you want her to do sell the house and move in with us? Aw, you don't understand.
She put me through med school.
Now it's supposed to be my turn so she can stay home and take care of Erin.
By now, I'm supposed to be in practice, the second mortgage a memory.
We didn't plan on my hanging up my shingle in Korea.
- Look, it's not gonna be forever.
- I'm talking about now.
It's bad enough for Erin to be without a father.
Now she doesn't have a mother.
- I feel like I've let them down.
- You haven't let them down.
You just got caught in the draft.
I could've gotten out of the draft, like Ned Gradinger.
Big all-American hero from Stanford.
Medical deferment signed by that eminent physician Ned Gradinger Sr who offered the same to me, but I was a good guy.
Next war, we'll know better.
We'll sign each other's.
Whatever happened to the rules? Let the other guy go first.
Keep your elbows off the table.
Share your toys.
And life will reward you.
Well, life is a crock.
Now, you "gentlemens" are new to the army or in other words dumb.
But when you leave here, you will know this jeep like it was a kissin' cousin.
And you will know the rules of the road so good that, when you're dead you will still qualify for a license.
- Now - Sir.
Well, well, well.
What have we here? Looks like Private Brown waltzin' in here a minute late.
- What do you got to say for yourself, Brown? - I'm sorry, sir.
I don't like your attitude.
Why don't you just drop for 10.
And let me hear you pant, dogface.
- Attention! - At ease.
- Trouble here, Sergeant? - Uh, no, sir.
Slight disciplinary problem.
On your feet, Brown! Next time you're late, you're gonna do 'em one-handed.
Can I "hep" you, sir? Afraid so.
I'm one of your pupils.
- You, sir? - Traffic ticket.
Sorry I'm late.
Late? You? Why Why, you're not late, sir.
You're just fashionable.
Matter of fact, you don't need to be here at all.
You could pencil-whip this thing right on through.
How dare you? I would never think of such a thing.
- Oh, well, neither would I.
- Look, Sergeant, I don't want any special treatment.
As far as you're concerned, I'm just one of the boys.
Well, sir, the rest of these boys don't have the power to bust me.
You will treat me like one of the boys, or I'll bust you.
Yes, sir, boy.
From this point on, I will be referrin' to this jeep as a "vee-hicle.
" For those of you who are not familiar with this term, say it with me.
- Vee-hicle.
- Vee-hicle.
- Three threes.
- I thought you had that third trey.
You were wise to jump ship when you did, Father.
You should have taken your own advice, Major.
Three queens.
Always have been a ladies' man.
It's people like you that give repugnance a bad name.
Take it easy, Charles.
You're not the only one whose chips are down.
Where's your sportsmanship? Take a lesson from the pigeon there.
- Down 30 bucks and still a gentleman.
- Yeah, I'm a real good guy.
And so, it is important to remember that on all Korean thoroughfares the right of way goes to the animal.
There is a reason for this.
If you run over somebody's chicken not only does Uncle Sam have to pay for that bird but for all the eggs he would have laid.
Now, that can run into money, and I don't mean chicken feed.
- Colonel Potter.
- Huh? Good morning, sir.
I hope you didn't get up on the wrong side of your chair.
I wasn't asleep.
I heard every word you said.
Well, good.
That concludes today's lecture "The Army Driver: Ambassador with a Clutch.
" Thank you and good day.
But, Colonel Colonel, ain't you stayin' for the written test? - The what? - Oh, you don't have to take it.
A man that's been around the block as much as you must have done it a few times in a car.
I can "hep.
" You just sign your name to the book.
I'll take care of the rest.
Sergeant, you are buttering me up like I was a Sunday biscuit.
I'll take the test, and I don't need any "hep.
" Well, I'll open.
Two bits.
How jesuitically safe.
I'll see that and raise you two more bits.
- I'll see you.
- Fold.
These cards stink.
- Up another two bits.
- Six bits? Forget it.
I can get a shave and a haircut three times.
You're up, "Fadder.
" Fifty cents to you.
Well, we all have our vices.
Mine's curiosity.
- Call.
- Anybody want some cards? I have a very nice "Get well soon.
" - "Best wishes to the lucky graduate.
" - Two.
- Two cards.
There you go.
- What I need is a sympathy card.
- Four.
- Oh.
Clearance sale.
- There you go.
- I'll just play these.
- I got out just in time.
- Standin' pat, huh? You must be hostin' a royal reception.
- Give me two.
- A-one and a-two.
You're up, Father.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
While you play poker, I'm gonna switch to gin.
- Check.
- Check.
A buck.
- Fold.
- It's not your turn.
I'm avoiding the rush.
A buck, huh? I'll see your buck and bump you another.
El foldo.
Okay, pal.
How about a couple of bucks? Two bucks, huh? Now that the kids are in bed, why don't we play like grown-ups? - Let's say, 10 bucks.
- Hey.
I thought we had a limit.
Limits are so limiting.
This is between him and me.
Your, uh, 10 bucks.
And I'll raise you 20.
Well, this is real interesting.
I see your 20 and raise you 20 more.
I think I once saw Joel McCrea do this.
Is that all? There's your 20.
And 35 more.
And this oughta make it an even hundred.
- Good heavens.
Joel McCrea never did that.
- B.
- Of course, he was single.
- A hundred bucks, huh? What the hell? What would I do with a ring anyway? I ain't gettin' married.
Not too bad for a good loser.
Hey, kids.
I don't know about you, but I'm famished.
What do you say we go out and get some Jujubes and Milk Duds? - Before the next feature.
- You crazy? Nobody's goin' anywhere.
How about a little five-card stud? Nothing wild.
Except the dealer.
All right! Listen up, scum and sir while I recite your test scores.
Castaldi 94.
Brown 94.
I knew I shouldn't have put the two of you together.
Rackman 89.
Potter, sir Ooh, how about this weather? - What's my grade, Sergeant? - Sir, uh I'm of the opinion that people put far too much emphasis on grades.
What is my grade, Sergeant? Or did someone say Corporal? Oh.
Well, uh Twenty-six, sir.
- Twenty-six? Out of a hundred? - Oh, no, no, no! Twenty-six out of 30.
I only graded you on the material that you was awake for.
- I've about had enough of this folderol.
- I understand, sir.
There is no place in this man's army for folderol.
- Potter 92.
- Eighty-six that 92! And you cut out that "rotten apple-polishing"! What's standard operating procedure for someone who took a wrong turn on the written test? Well, what's standard, sir, is that nobody ever flunked before.
How about a makeup test first thing in the morning? Good idea, sir.
Make up your own test.
Bet you get a hundred.
I mean you make up a test, and I'll pass it! Some people just can't be bought.
Well, how was school, Colonel Hot Rod? How'd you like to get yourself whupped by the class bully? Just a little "lower rank humor," sir.
Here are the laundry inventories.
I burned the midnight oil at both ends.
Now, if I could have your signature I'll be shuffling off to the poker game.
Freeze those feet.
You're not goin' anywhere, doughboy.
You're gonna bring your fanny into my tent and help me prepare for a makeup test.
Sir, it's been a long time since I wore makeup.
A makeup driver's test, doofus.
- I, uh, flunked the first go-around.
- Flunked? Nobody's ever done that before, sir.
Even "Peanut Brain" Hoffman squeaked through.
Since you find Hot Rod's problem so funny I'm gonna give you a chance to laugh the night away.
- You're gonna be my tutor.
- But, sir, the poker game.
I'm afraid you just folded, ace.
I'll raise you 10 bucks.
If that's too rich for your blood, Margaret, just drop out.
Nothin' personal, Major.
This is a man's game.
How would you like the next hand to be in your face? I can't remember when I've had such a pleasant evening.
First time I've ever seen poker played with the marquis of queensberry rules.
Beej, we're all out of pretzels.
What do you say we break out Peg's hundred-proof cookies? What do you say we don't? Yeah.
Well, I guess it's just as well.
- I think we've all had enough.
- Come on, Margaret.
You in or out? - I think you're full of bluff.
- Cost you 10 bucks to find out.
- Sold.
- I'll pay to see that show.
Read 'em and weep.
Three aces which makes you two fools.
Don't you just love a sore winner? That's it.
I've had enough fun for tonight.
What about a little seven-card stud for the rest of us? No, thanks.
I'm gonna try and find something a little more civilized, like a cockfight.
- Hawk, you in? - No, I don't I don't think so.
It's gettin' kinda late.
I wanna get over to Rosie's.
The marines are having a "bottle eating" contest.
- Suit yourself.
You, Father? - If you don't mind, deal me out before I have to float a loan from the poor box.
- Aha.
Verbanic, that leaves you and me together again.
- I don't think so, Doc.
Your luck is runnin' a little wild for me.
It wasn't luck, courier boy.
I beat the pouch off you.
I'm down 150 zops.
But don't worry.
I'll be ready for you next payday.
I'll cover you.
Come on.
I thought we had a game here.
Hey, Beej, the game's over.
Everybody wants to play when it's lovable Doc Hunnicutt, gentleman loser.
But let me win a few, it's like I committed a crime.
- Cash me in, Father.
- What has gotten into you? You don't like it? Tough! Go play with somebody else, Doc.
I don't believe in gambling.
- I sink all my spare dough into chain letters.
- Cheers.
Well, fellow 'cruits, the army done taught us how to drive.
Now they gonna teach us how to drink.
Three beers, Mac.
- Hey, Brown.
They got a pinball machine.
- All right.
Geez, they're gettin' younger every day.
I don't know what's greener, them or their uniforms.
- I'll deliver those.
- Okay, but if you get a tip, it's mine.
Here you go, fellas.
Three beers.
Say, this is some officers club.
You guys even serve here, huh? Not too bad, Private.
After you've finished, how about giving me a chance to beat you? Sure thing.
But I'll tell ya, I think I got this machine's number.
I'm not too bad with numbers myself.
How's a dollar sound? What? Just to make the game a little more interesting.
Well, I thought you said this was a friendly game.
Whatever you say, friend.
I'll spot you a thousand points.
Oh, well, why not? I always wanted an officer's pay.
All right.
Who's gonna play winner? "What do you do when you come to a school bus that's stopped and has its lights flashing?" You stop, and you tell the kids to watch out for mines at the crosswalk.
What is the point of all this anyway? A fat lot of good it's gonna do me in a war zone! It's the only manual the army has.
One test fits all.
Oh, sure.
Same logic applies to skivvies.
Next question.
"What is the minimum braking distance for a vehicle traveling at 25 miles per hour?" Wait a minute! I know this! Don't help me! Don't help me! Oh! I give up with these stupid numbers.
What is it? - 61.
4 - Feet! I'll give you half credit for that one, sir.
- Can we stop now? We've been going at this all night.
- No.
Ask me another question.
And if it's got a number in it, yours is up.
"Suppose you're traveling T- E-N miles an hour" There you go.
! Damn.
Captain, what are you getting so excited about? You beat the socks off me.
Here's your dime.
Come on, come on.
One more game.
I'll give you a chance to win your 30 cents back.
It's late, Captain.
Igor wants to close up.
Who cares what he wants? I'm doing what I want for a change.
- Come on.
Let's play.
- I don't think so.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
I'm fine.
Good night, Lieutenant.
Doc, I'm glad to see you.
There's something a little weird about him.
He keeps trying to take everybody for nickels.
You think you can get him outta here? I wanna close up.
- Yeah.
You go ahead.
I'll do it.
- Thanks.
- Excuse me.
I'm looking for B.
- Don't bother me.
I'm busy.
Maybe you know him about 6'4", mustache, big chip on his shoulder.
- Oh, yeah.
Big, sweet lug.
- What's wrong with that? Next you'll be telling me the meek shall inherit the earth.
What are you doing? You can't pay the mortgage with nickels.
- So what? - What's with you, Hunnicutt? Now you're hustling pinball? If you didn't come in to play, leave me alone.
That goes for you too.
Pardon us for living, Diamond Jim.
- Look, Beej.
Hey! Hey, listen! - Come on! Come on! Bad news from home is no excuse to start acting like public enemy number one.
- Bad news? What is it? - It's none of your business.
- Is it serious? - He thinks it is.
- And you don't? - No.
Excuse me.
But if we're talking about disasters I don't think Peg's taking a job is right up there with the San Francisco earthquake.
Why don't you get on the P.
And tell the whole camp about it? Wait a minute.
Is that the problem? Your wife got a job? Look, Beej, believe me.
We-We're on your side.
- We understand.
- I don't.
All of this is because a woman had to go to work? Why don't you just butt out? Why doesn't everybody just butt the hell out? I'd love to.
I'd love to butt my way all the way back to Maine.
But we're all stuck here just like you.
No, you're not.
Nobody is stuck here just like me.
Certainly not you.
While you're here, all of you is here.
While I'm here, most of me is back home.
When this little police action is over you can go back to Crabapple Cove and pick up your life just by picking up your date book.
And you.
Tell me you know what it feels like to have your child grow up without parents.
Tell me you know what it feels like even to have a child.
How dare you? How dare you stand there acting like your brand of suffering is worse than anybody else's? I guess that's the only way you can justify treating the rest of us like dirt.
Let me tell you something, sad sack.
If the worst thing that's happened to you is that your pretty little wife has to help pay the bills for a while, don't come to me for sympathy.
Maybe you do have the most to lose, but that's only because you've got the most.
Well, go on.
It's your turn.
I don't think I can improve on that.
All right! Listen up while I read the following grades! Rizzo, I'm in a class by myself.
- Let's get to it.
- Congratulations, Colonel.
You get to keep your license, and I get to keep my stripes.
Ninety-eight! Hot diggety! Emma Potter didn't raise no fools.
Thank you, Sergeant.
- I'll be going now.
- Colonel, nobody'd like that better than I would.
But there is the slight matter of the road test.
- Road test? - I mean, ride test.
I take you for a ride.
You look at the scenery.
I bet you do real good on that.
Sergeant, no wonder your breath smells from Shinola.
I've been driving since I was six! Now step aside and let me at that vee-hicle.
Waiter, there's a clerk in these eggs.
I knew sooner or later this food would take a life.
- Klinger, what do you think you're doing? - Are you all right? Klinger, get up.
Do yourself a favor.
Go have breakfast in bed.
Oh, sorry.
I was busy teaching night school all night.
There, but for the grace of God, goes my dog.
Look out, you idiot! You dunce! What do you think you were doing, sleepwalking? I was until you woke me, sir.
Now you made me flunk the damn road test.
Flunk? Perish the thought.
Colonel, it was real quick-witted the way you missed hittin' that pedestrian without undue wear and tear on the brakes.
'Sides, crates never have the right of way.
Sergeant, that's the worst bunch of malarkey I've ever heard.
But it'll have to do.
Come on.
Are you okay? - Just fine, sir.
- We didn't hit you, you know.
- You'd think, before they serve this, they'd at least dust it.
- And remove all the flavor? Morning, folks.
Mind if I sit down? Why, Beej, how can you ask? Of course we do.
Well, we all have to sit someplace.
In, uh, case you're having trouble getting your eggs down these are Peg's rum cookies.
- How much? - They're on the house.
I'm still full from last night's serving of humble pie.
I don't know.
Rum cookies before 5.
00? Please, go on.
I was taught to share.
- I guess I can drink to that.
- Hear! Hear! - Oh.
- Mmm Delicious.
Boy, you never give up with the cards, do you, slim? Nah.
Once you've been bitten by the gambling bug, you're hooked for life.
- You got any sixes? - Go fish.
Ah! Ha ha! I got it! I win! You owe me 10.
One, two It's a good thing I got a wife who works in a coffee shop.
These mints don't grow on trees, you know.
Okay, high-ranking pigeons! It's poker time.
The colonel's getting ready to leave.
And while the top cat's away, the clerk wants to play.
Sorry, Klinger.
"Go fish and chips" don't mix.
Aw, great.
I oughta stick to pool.
But it's so hard to shuffle those balls.
What do you mean the colonel's getting ready to leave? Where's he going? He's giving a lecture at the 8063rd.
Giddyap, Sophie, and no speeding.

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