M*A*S*H (MASH) s10e07 Episode Script

1G04 - Snap Judgment (1)

Hot diggity.
! Another ringer for the old warhorse.
No fair, Colonel.
You're invincible.
The only one who could ever whup me in horseshoes was Mildred.
But then, I could take her two out of three in arm wrestling.
The essence of a good marriage is mutual respect.
Watch this.
Oh, rats! I'd even the score in golf, Colonel if some lowlife hadn't stolen my clubs.
That shouldn't affect your score as long as they didn't steal your eraser.
The way things are going, they'll be walkin' off with that pretty soon.
Around here, a crime wave isn't hard to understand.
With so many people violating thou shalt not kill thou shalt not steal seems rather paltry.
Ah, horseshoes.
That explains why Sophie's trotting around in mukluks.
Hush! Where's your horseshoe etiquette? I'm just a leaner away from immortality.
Beyond immortality! What a streak! If Mildred were here, I'd even give her a run for her money.
What have you got there, Klinger? A package just came in addressed to "Chief Surgeon.
" - Dr.
Chief Surgeon to you.
- Who's it from, Chief? "Central Avenue Photo, Highland Park, Illinois.
" Maybe it's those missing reels from David and Sheba's Bath.
- Oh, goody.
The underwater scenes.
- Here, you read, I'll open.
"Dear, sir.
I am sending this gift as a small token of my gratitude "to the surgeon who saved my boy, Gregor.
"Please see that he gets this, along with my everlasting thanks.
Sincerely yours, Dimitry Popadopalous.
" - Hey, look at this.
It's a Polaroid.
- Looks like a camera to me.
It is.
The new kind that develops its own pictures.
I've heard of those.
It's like it's got its own little drugstore inside.
Gregor Popadopalous.
This is fantastic! You can get a finished picture in 60 seconds.
Will wonders never cease.
I still can't get used to indoor plumbing.
How am I ever going to thank him? - Hey, hey, hey, hey! Get your hands off my camera! - What do you mean your camera? I did the bowel resection on Popadopalous.
I remember kidding him about his long name.
I said he needed two dog tags.
Oh, yeah? Well, if your memory is so perfect how come you don't remember that I'm the one who patched the artery in his leg? Just look at you.
A boy's father makes a gesture of thanks, and this is the thanks he gets? Sounds to me like that camera belongs to the both of you.
If you can't buy that, I'll be glad to cut it in half.
Uh, how does it feel to be the co-owner of a Polaroid Land Camera? Yeah, okay, you can be co-owner, but I get to use it first.
- Why you? - Because I know photography.
- Oh, you do, do you? - Like the back of my hand.
I don't understand it.
What are we doing wrong? - Everything.
- Well, how are the photogs coming? Brilliantly.
Pierce is demonstrating his mastery of black and what photography.
Oh, really? And I suppose you could do better? I could.
So could J.
Fred Muggs.
Major, are you familiar with this equipment? No, Father.
I restrict my expertise to cameras.
I have a superb collection of the finest German equipment including Rolleiflex, Leica, of course.
Major, looks like you and I are fellow shutterbugs.
Except I always buy American.
I got me a Brownie Hawkeye.
Oh, really? Why don't you come by sometime? I'll autograph it.
Sorry to interrupt the photo session, but we've got wounded on the way.
From one bleak picture to another.
You know, I took a snap back home I'm really proud of.
Keep it right on the mantle.
It's a pony with a hat on.
- Oh.
You are indeed an artist.
- Oh! Thank you.
And another time, Mildred and I were up on Heavenly Hill.
There was this big full moon, and suddenly it hit me.
I took my trusty Brownie and had Mildred stand just so.
Then I snapped off a few and doggone if they don't look just like Mildred's holdin'herself a handful of moon.
Old soldiers never die, they just keep taking snapshots.
Nurse, I'm a little concerned about all the dirt we're flushing out of this wound.
How's the penicillin holding up? Well, what hasn't been stolen is locked up in the storeroom.
Damn thieves.
They won't get their hands on this batch if I have to sleep with it under my pillow.
If you need more penicillin, I'll get it for you.
- Yes, do.
We will be needing it.
- Your Rx is my command.
Hey, Hawk, this looks more like Father Mulcahy than your photograph does.
Ha ha, Hunnicutt.
Don't forget they laughed at Edison, they laughed at Fulton - They laughed at Pinky Lee.
- You just wait.
It will be only minutes before I master 60-second photography.
Sixty-second photography? Does Pierce have a Polaroid? Yeah.
Can you imagine someone getting excited about a thing like that? A Polaroid? Come on, come on, everybody.
Tall ones in the back.
No, no, no, not you.
You're too short.
Stay where you are.
Get in the second row, Roy.
Leave some space in the middle there for me.
This first one's going stateside to my mother.
Klinger, do that one more time and you'll never see those fingers again.
! Okay, come on now, everybody, be happy! If you tell me to say "cheese," I will tell you "good-bye.
" Quiet, Winchester.
And tilt your head a little.
We're getting some glare off it.
Major, I don't think you're doing this right.
It ought to be boy, girl, boy, girl.
Please, please, Colonel.
Please, let me handle this.
Pierce! Hunnicutt! I've done my part! Now get out here with your camera! How could you just go to O.
And leave it on the bed? - How could I leave something you wouldn't let me get my hands on? - Out of spite.
- All right, boys, what's all the tumult? - The camera's been stolen! - What? - I don't believe this.
Probably a representative of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Film.
- What do you mean stolen? - Our resident klepto must have lifted it while we were in O.
Damn it! I've had it up to my eyebrows with all this filching! And I'm gonna do something about this before we all end up standing around in our skivvies! Easy, Colonel.
A camera can be replaced, but blood pressure is forever.
- The hell with my blood pressure! Klinger! - Yes, sir! - Fill out that stolen goods report on the camera! - Klinger.
- Yo! - The thief was nice enough to leave the box.
- Come on.
I'll give you the serial number from it.
- You M.
's, come with me.
I'm gonna get you boys some reinforcements.
This thing is bigger than both of you.
You imbecile! How could you do this to my mother? You promised us steak and this isn't it.
I know, because I carry a picture of steak in my wallet with the rest of my loved ones.
I made that promise before someone raided the icebox.
He stole all the beef and just left the cold cuts.
- At least we know now we're not dealing with an idiot.
- What's the war coming to? Remember when we first moved here? You could go to bed and leave your tent unlocked.
At night, you could walk through the minefield without having your wallet stolen.
- Klinger, what do you hear about our camera? - Not a peep, sirs.
You'd think after a week they could at least come up with a dead end.
The trouble is, the way this crime wave is spreading I'm sure C.
Has more of these reports than it can handle.
So, we get lost in the shuffle? I'm not giving up that camera without a fight.
- Oh, yes, of course I'll wait.
In fact, I'll be glad to.
- That's tellin' him, Hawk.
There's no point arguing with the clerk.
He's putting me on with his superior.
- Hello, Corporal? Now we're getting somewhere.
- Corporal.
Uh, my name is Pierce, Captain Benjamin Franklin of MASH 4077.
I'm calling about a stolen goods report that I filed on a Polaroid camera.
Uh, we I filed it What? Uh, Polaroid.
It's a It's a camera.
It-It-It developed its own pictures.
No, I'm not kidding you.
No, this is not Crazy Al of Special Services.
Would Would you just I'm Yeah.
Yeah, I guess you could take those kinds of pictures.
No, no, no.
No, I haven't taken one because I don't have the camera because it's been stolen, remember? It would be faster if we got Popadopalous to send us another one.
I did file a stolen goods report.
That's why I'm calling you.
Will you Will you just check into this? Will you Will you just check in to it? What? Oh.
L I see.
L His clerk takes care of this.
I should have known.
Hello, Private? How've you been? - He told us he'd get to the bottom of this.
- Those guys are tough.
Their motto is he who hesitates gets promoted.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
No, I see, I see.
Thank you.
Thanks very much.
So, what's the story? Uh, Klinger, uh, they're having a little problem with the stolen goods report of yours.
What, they couldn't read my typing? They couldn't read it because they didn't receive it.
- Are you sure you sent it? - Of course.
I may be pathetic and inept, but I ain't dumb.
That report was filled out in triplicate and sent off last week and I can prove it with my file copy.
Everything strictly by the book.
Stolen Good Reports.
Here we go.
Filed under "G" for "Goniffed.
" - You can always tell a Kelly Girl.
- Here you go, my file copy.
- C.
- "L" Corps's copy.
Oh, my God! I distinctly remember sending that stuff out.
What'd you do, send empty envelopes? - I must have sent 'em the carbon paper.
- What an original mistake.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'll send it right away.
- I'll even postmark it yesterday so it'll get there sooner.
- What's the point? You've already given 'em a week's head start.
We'll never see that camera again.
That's a shame too, 'cause I'd really love to take a picture of Klinger doing his job.
I wouldn't have to worry about him moving.
- I need a favor.
- Sure, Klinger.
- Anything for a friend with $5.
- I just wanna talk.
Okay, $3.
Where would a guy sell, uh, stolen merchandise around here? You talking to the wrong person.
I'm strictly legit.
Okay, $5.
- You heard of a place called Little Chicago? - Little Chicago? What's that? Big place in field somewhere.
Just like Macy's, except everything there stolen from Gimbels.
- Black market, huh? - Pitch black.
That sounds like what I'm lookin' for.
Where is this place? Always one step ahead of the law.
You think MASH mobile? This Little Chicago really toddlin' town.
Where is it right now? Uh-oh.
Rosie's memory seems to be slipping.
How much, uh, to cure your amnesia? Ah, Klinger, you just like family.
Three dollars.
- Fifty cent, huh, for you.
, very good.
- This good.
Very good.
Very good.
- This come in last week.
- G.
- Oh, $20.
Okay, $20.
- Twenty dollars? Ten, 10.
Hey, this is the watch I lost last year.
Where did you get it? Wait a minute, G.
How do you know it's your watch? Well, how many Lady Benrus's do you have that say Max Klinger on the back? - This my last one.
Twenty dollars.
- Twenty dollars? Of course.
It's monogrammed.
Why do I have to pay to buy my own watch back? You no like it, there's complaint department.
- So what do you got in cameras? - I got no cameras.
Try over there.
Good radio.
Thank you.
Hey, buddy, I'm lookin' for a special kind of camera.
Makes its own pictures.
You push a button, pull it out from the other side and wait a while and Oh, you mean Polaroid.
You lucky.
This brand-new.
Come in last week.
I had a feeling it did.
How much? - For you, 80 bucks.
- Eighty bucks? Forget it.
All I got is 50.
Okay, in that case, 75.
Take it or leave it.
I'm tellin' ya, I've only got 50.
- How about 60? - Sold.
Hi, fellas.
What's goin' on? Just setting up a routine check of all vehicles, Corporal.
Well, check away.
Always willing to cooperate with men carrying automatic weapons.
What are you lookin' for? C.
's comin' down hard on all the stealing that's been goin' on.
Yeah, well, you don't have to tell me about stolen merchandise.
Mind if I look at that camera, Corporal? Of course I don't mind.
But I think it's important for you to know it was stolen.
Serial number and initials match.
Corporal, are you aware this camera's been stolen? Yeah, sure.
I just found it and bought it.
It belongs to Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt.
Well, I'll be seein' you.
- Good luck with your roadblock.
- Hold it, Corporal.
It says here it belongs to Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt.
You acquainted with these men? Acquainted? I'm the one who filed the report.
I'm Max Klinger.
We got a report filed here by a Corporal Maxwell Q.
- I am Maxwell Q.
- Boy, you got an answer for everything, don't you, fella? - All right, step out of the jeep, soldier.
- Oh, boy.
Excuse me.
I'm looking for Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt.
I'm Hunnicutt, he's Pierce.
You must be an M.
You have an arresting smile.
- Is this yours? - Beej, look, our baby! Oh, come to papa.
I thought I'd never gaze into that little lens again.
You're absolutely positive this is your camera? - Absolutely.
- Positively.
Look, it even has my B.
Scratched right there.
Wait a minute.
You scratched your initials in our camera? An old habit from summer camp where initials are 9/10ths of the law.
Well, don't forget that Just sign this statement identifying this as the item - that you reported stolen.
- You bet.
I'll scratch my initials on that too, if you don't mind.
New camp habit.
Fine work, young man.
Glad to see somebody's on the beam.
We like to work fast, sir.
See, we got the report yesterday, so you get the camera back today.
We would have gotten it a week ago if Klinger had filed that report when he should have.
Is that so? Would you initial this here too, please? - Oh, I'd be happy to.
- Where was the camera finally found? - In a box of stolen Cracker Jacks? - Did you nab the desperado? Yes, sir.
We caught him red-handed.
- Boy, I'd like to get my hands on that guy.
- Who was the creep anyway? Corporal Maxwell Klinger.
Wh-What, are you kidding? Son, your helmet must be a little snug.
Klinger's our company clerk.
See, in order to have a criminal mentality, one must first have a mentality.
Sergeant, as commander of this unit, I can attest Klinger would never take that camera.
Yeah, well, the neighbors are always surprised.
- We caught him dead to rights.
- We're two of his best buddies.
Maybe, but you're also gonna be two of our best witnesses.
This is pretty damning evidence.
- Wait a minute! Wait a second.
- Sorry, Captain.
You got a problem, you talk to C.
And so I took the M.
's back to the spot where Little Chicago was and the whole place was gone.
- Not a trace.
- It's been a long day for you, hasn't it, son? How would you like to spend three hours in a detention cell with a drunken Mongolian pickpocket? He tried to lift my wallet four times.
Well, we all wanted you to know you've got our complete support.
Does that include the witnesses for the prosecution? Hey, wait a second.
All we did was tell them it was our camera.
You also told them that I held back the stolen goods report for a week.
We wouldn't have said anything at all if we'd known you were the one who stole it.
Well, y-you know what I mean.
You guys are gonna be wonderful on the stand.
Why don't we just call the firing squad now and avoid the rush? I lay out 60 bucks tryin' to help my friends, and this is the thanks I get.
- Come on.
We're not ungrateful.
Don't give me that stuff.
- You know we would never Now, now, everybody calm down and let grayer heads prevail.
Let's look at the facts.
Before the army gets involved in a court-martial there's gotta be an investigation.
Why? Colonel, I'm like a son to you, aren't I? The Lebanese lad I never had.
And you know I'd never lie to you if the chips were really down.
I'd bet my carcass on it.
Then, believe me, sir, I didn't steal anything.
Now you don't have to investigate me.
I wish it were up to me, son, but the army's got its own way of doing things.
That's why they've assigned an independent, impartial investigator.
A total stranger? Someone who's never broken bread with me? Never basked in the warmth of my smile? Klinger, put down the shovel.
You're innocent.
This investigator will find out he's on a wild-goose chase.
Oh, yeah? With my luck, he'll be some weeny guy who's just itchin' for a chance to get even for the lousy hand life dealt him who resents swarthy men of action.
Excuse me, sir.
My wild goose is cooked.
So this is what he meant when he said he was a photography buff.
Aren't you a trifle overexposed? You were just supposed to watch the camera.
Now, gentlemen, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to, uh bring my passport up to date.
In mere seconds, I will show you the proper use of this toy.
- Forget it, Marlene.
- I'm really not in the mood.
I was before, but I'm certainly not now.
I take it things are not looking up for our thief of Baghdad.
Oh, he'll be fine as long as he doesn't find out where the colonel hid his razor.
One can hardly blame Klinger.
Even the most inept investigator's gonna stumble onto the shadowy career of our dead-end kid cum laude.
He's right, you know.
The only reason the army let him in was because prison turned him down.
What're we supposed to do? Toss a blanket over him until the investigator leaves? While you gentlemen ponder the next chapter of Crime and Punishment I will show you a magnificent portrait of Your better half.
They're here.
Klinger, this is the best damn job of cataloging I've ever seen.
No telling how many lives you have saved.
- Captain, this is B.
Hunnicutt, my esteemed colleague.
- Hi.
And this is Corporal Maxwell Klinger, our even more esteemed company clerk.
Gentlemen, this is Captain Triplett from C.
- Pleased to meet you, Corporal.
- Pleased to meet you, sir! Corporal Oh, beg pardon.
I didn't know we had company.
Colonel Potter, meet Captain Arvin Triplett, special investigator from C.
- Pleased to meet you, Colonel.
- Likewise, Captain.
I'm afraid you caught me in mid-paperwork.
Do you mind if I do a little business with my clerk? It won't take long.
- Certainly, Colonel.
- Corporal, are this week's requisitions ready for my Hancock, comma, John, sir! Now, how are you coming with that detailed inventory of the supply room? - All completed, sir.
- Isn't he unbelievable? - Oh, he's a real paper tiger.
- Now for the really tough one.
Have you completed indexing the patients' medical records for the last year? Oh, come on, Colonel, he's only human.
Cross-indexed to blood type, sir.
Also to height and mother's maiden name.
Every so often I toss him a knuckleball, but wouldn't you know it, he always handles it.
No time for blushing, sir.
I'm off to post-op to read to the soldiers with eye damage.
Well, thanks to Klinger, the rest of my day is free.
Now what can I do you for, Captain? Well, if you don't mind, Colonel, I think I'd like to go to my tent and unpack my things.
- Of course.
- If Klinger hasn't beaten me to it.
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.
And then Klinger said to me "It's not the quantity of souls in your parish but the quantity of souls in your parish that don't perish.
" Yes.
I've never forgotten that, Captain.
How could anyone forget that, Father? - I know I can't.
Can you? - No.
It ranks right up there with the Golden Rule.
Even under the burden of his many responsibilities I can't look up from one of my services without seeing his smiling countenance front row center.
- Klinger is a comfort to us all.
- Indeed.
L- I think Klinger's record speaks for itself, Father.
Wowee, Father, they got cold cuts.
Yeah, that Klinger.
He's a real great guy.
Always comin' through for us.
See these fresh oranges? Klinger traded six cases of C-rations for 'em.
Thanks to those phony labels he stuck on 'em the 8063rd thinks they're gettin' French pate.
- What a guy.
- Yeah, what a guy.
Captain, here's to your happy bon voyage from the 4077 th.
Yes, the 4077 th.
Home of Albert Schweitzer, Joan of Arc and Champion the Wonder Horse all rolled into one Maxwell Klinger.
Yeah, well, you gotta admit, he's quite a guy.
Congratulations, fellas.
In the short time that I have been here you've managed to lay on enough whitewash to cover the Great Wall of China.
No one's tried to insult my intelligence this badly since basic training.
We wouldn't have whitewashed him if we didn't think he was a pretty terrific guy.
Maybe we overdid it a little, but it's only because we care about him.
You can't be with someone day and night for months without learning somethin' about his character.
Down to my bones, I know that boy did not swipe the camera.
- Relax.
Klinger's off the hook.
- What do you mean he's off the hook? I've found absolutely no hard evidence that points to Corporal Klinger's guilt.
Now that's more like it.
Yeah, sure he's obviously a top-notch finagler and con artist but the army's full of those.
Oh, this calls for another round.
Let's have some drinks on me to the man of the hour, Captain Triplett.
Comin' up.
Oh, by the way, when you see Klinger, give him a message for me.
Tell him the heat is on.
Is investigating stolen goods.
So this bad time to sell anything in Little Chicago.
Okay, I'll get those drinks now.
Not for me.
I've just gone back to work.
Max, it's moments like this when I wish I were still a buck private - diggin' a trench at Vimy Ridge.
- Just lay it on the line, Colonel.
Son, the official recommendation from Captain Triplett is that within the next few days you be brought up on charges for a special court-martial.
Court-martial? What'll they do to me if I'm found guilty? They'll probably give you six months.
Well, at least the stockade is safer than this place.
North Koreans aren't gonna waste their expensive mortar rounds on a license plate factory.
I don't wanna throw a dart in that optimistic balloon of yours but that's six months at hard labor.
Hard labor.
I don't like either of those words.
Get's worse, lad.
They'll slap you with a dishonorable discharge.
Which means no vet benefits plus a civilian criminal record doggin' you for the rest of your life.

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