M*A*S*H (MASH) s11e03 Episode Script

1G22 - Foreign Affairs

Believe me, this hurts you a lot more than it hurts me.
Don't worry.
You'll be okay.
French unit, sir.
Got mortared.
You're gonna be okay.
North Korean pilot, Doctor.
Bullet wound in the shoulder.
Your shoulder's going to be fine.
But I'd hold off throwing the curve ball a while.
Doctor, can you tell me how long it's gonna be? - I got orders to get this guy outta here.
- Soon as his infection clears up.
The R.
Troops must have stopped sterilizing their bullets.
- Salut.
- Salut.
This is one of our doctors, Major Winchester.
- Martine Le Clerc.
- How do you do? - Ah Bonjour.
- Bonjour, Doctor.
Miss Le Clerc is a volunteer with the International Red Cross.
A touch of Gallic loveliness is just the prescription for these boys not to mention their doctors.
Your man is right over here, Major.
- Excuse me, sir.
This man's a prisoner of war.
- Not anymore.
Major Reddish is in charge of Lieutenant Chong-Wha Park as of now.
By orders of General Mark Clark.
From here on, you answer to me.
Congratulations, Chong-Wha.
How's it feel to be America's newest war hero? - You read me, son? - He doesn't understand loud English either.
But we have a farmer up the road who translates for us a lot.
Negative, Colonel.
I've already sent to H.
For an official interpreter.
We can't trust such a highly sensitive diplomatic matter to some oxcart driver.
- What's up, Colonel? - Major Reddish is here to award Lieuten Uh, if you don't mind, Colonel, I'd like to tell it.
Chong-Wha here has just won himself a $100,000 reward.
A hundred G's, son.
$100,000 for what? On April 27, General Mark Clark head of United States Forces, Far East offered $50,000 American to any and all enemy pilots landing a Soviet-built jet in good condition in friendly territory.
Plus an additional 50 big ones to the one who's first.
I think I signed up on the wrong side.
And he also gets a free trip to the States plus American citizenship.
Way things are going, soon there'll be a prize in every hand grenade.
Major Reddish is General Clark's Assistant Chief of Public Information Uh, Colonel, please.
Let me get a word in.
Now then.
I can't take credit for coming up with this idea.
General Clark himself figured that the war needed a shot in the propaganda.
It's been getting harder and harder to sell this war to the folks back home.
That's what happens when you spend everything on weapons and nothing on advertising.
We figured just what we needed was a couple of good turncoats to get the public behind us again.
Thanks to Lieutenant Chong-Wha here - we got it.
- Thank God.
Hi, ladies.
Allow me to introduce myself.
- I'm Hawkeye Pierce.
- Pleased to meet you, Capitaine.
- Oh, you're French.
I've been wearing your cuffs for years.
- Oh, Pierce.
There's nothing like the way a French accent fits into an American ear.
- It's ladies' night.
- Well, I know when I'm not wanted.
What does it take for you to get the message? Well, looks like you have the crucial vote.
But after all, we are talking.
- Please excuse us.
- Okay, okay.
But if you're gonna change your mind, you better hurry.
Offer expires midnight Saturday.
This Hawkeye, he is a doctor? Mmm.
A lot of people around here find him irresistible, including himself.
He acts very much a little boy, doesn't he? Oh, believe me.
He's not acting.
You know what's wrong with this war? Yeah.
The French aren't on my side.
Not enough heroes.
But Chong-Wha's gonna take care of that.
For $100,000 plus transportation.
Charles, did you realize that for only a few thousand dollars your father could sponsor a Korean deserter? Yeah.
If you gentlemen will excuse me.
You're wasting your time.
Take it from someone who's met the French "resistance.
" - Good evening.
- Hello, Major.
Please sit here.
Thank you.
# Hmm-hmm # What did he try that I didn't? Maybe sincerity.
I could fake that.
So you like the museums of Paris.
Especially the Jeu De Paume.
Spent half my time there.
Incroyable, n'est-ce pas? I much prefer it to the Louvre.
I love the impressionists.
Excuse me.
W-What was that? I didn't understand that.
Oh, I say it is a It is a nice place to go when one is in love.
You know, when I was seven years old my father was stationed in Fort Bliss.
That's in Texas.
And my mother used to take me to the art museum in El Paso.
Eh How cultural.
When I realized that I was actually looking at Monet's Peace Beneath the Lilac Trees the real thing, not some processed print in an art book I was overwhelmed.
I hate to break this up, but I really have to go.
I'm so sorry, Major.
I'm afraid I have been impolite.
It's okay.
No problem.
Good night.
I hope she's not mad with me, Major "Houligan.
" It's Houlihan, and how could anyone be angry with you? - Major.
- Please.
Uh Call me Charles.
Charles, let me tell you of one experience that was even more memorable for me.
It was soon after the war and Paris was once again the City of Light.
Some friends and I decided to treat the occasion with the grandeur it deserved.
We got dressed as elegantly as we were able and we hired a carriage to take us to the concert.
And this tribute was inspired by who, Toscanini? Uh, Heifetz? - No.
Spike Jones.
- Spike Jones? Charles, Spike, he makes me laugh.
He's fun.
Surely there must be some silliness that makes you laugh.
- No.
- No.
Are you familiar with Tom and Jerry? - The cat and mouse in the cartoon? - Uh-huh.
It just It just kills me when Tom runs right off a kitchen table but doesn't fall.
So he just hangs there in midair, his little feet going furiously.
And then he looks down and suddenly Don't you dare tell a soul.
Good heavens, we have talked all night.
I'm due in post-op in half an hour.
Where did the time go? You will be so tired.
Oh, no.
Quite the contrary.
I feel quite refreshed.
Well, he wasn't in his bed all night, so where else could he have been? Come now, Hawkeye.
Let's not jump to conclusions.
On the other hand Don't worry, Father.
I'm sure there's a perfectly sordid explanation for all this.
That joie de vivre of hers might be just the thing to oil his hinges.
Your translator is here, sir.
This is Joon-Sung Yu.
- Well, it's about time.
- Put her there, Major.
And so, on behalf of Mark Clark you will be awarded $100,000 and U.
Mark Clark He says this is a mistake.
He had engine trouble, thought he was in the north and put his MIG down on the first road he saw.
He wasn't trying to be a hero.
He was trying to as I believe you would say, to to save his fanny.
That's close to the way we'd say it, yeah.
He says he wants to go home.
Never heard of Mark Clark.
And you can keep your money.
This is a disaster.
This is the biggest P.
Project of the whole war and it's slipping through my fingers.
I don't believe this.
Yesterday, he was shooting at us.
Now you're offering him a fortune to go to the States.
What about all our guys who'd be thrilled to go home for nothing? Tell the ungrateful fool he can forget about home.
He either goes to the States or he's a prisoner of war.
He says if those are his choices he prefers to become a prisoner of war.
- Bonjour.
- It's bonsoir now.
Ah, yes, indeed.
You're You're right.
- Uh, these are for you.
- Merci.
- They are quite, um - Scraggly? Oui.
But lovely scraggly.
They're the nicest I could find without actually going into the minefield.
They'll look a great deal better if you would share this with me.
Chateau Petrus? Formidable.
- Yes? May I - Mm-hmm.
Direct from the Pomerol, via Geller Brothers' Liquors on Commonwealth Avenue in Boston.
Uh Voila.
Uh, Martine There's something I want to say to you and I'm afraid I don't, um quite know how to do it.
You could try looking at me.
This may sound strange since you've only been here a few days.
Nevertheless, in that time I've come to feel as much for you as any woman I've ever met.
To, um To you.
To us.
Charles, I I know your feeling because I have not felt that close to a man for more than a year.
That's when Robert died.
I see.
We were four years together on the Boulevard Montparnasse from the day he carried me over the threshold of our apartment until the end came.
- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, ca va.
The memories are still alive.
But I was thinking I would not feel that close to a man again.
But now I know you I think, perhaps, it is possible.
Excuse me, Nurse.
I know it's early for visiting hours.
I I was wondering if I could, uh, talk to, uh, Lieutenant Chong-Wha.
I really don't think so.
Oh, by the way.
I I thought you might appreciate these.
Thank you, sir.
Chong-Wha, all this fine American merchandise is for you.
Philco portable.
Simulated leather case.
Eversharp Schick pen and pencil set with retractable ballpoint pen.
Electric razor.
Settings for any type of beard.
This handsome pinstripe suit with two two pair of pants.
The Lieutenant appreciates your generosity but he still wants to remain in his own country.
This patient's chart doesn't call for bribes at 6:00 in the morning.
Captain, I got permission from your nurse to come in here.
Well, the stockings didn't quite fit my conscience.
Now leave him alone.
Why are you guys so damn gung ho to take this Commie's side? Don't you see what a sham this is? You try to package this whole war like a box of cornflakes.
Keep it going with the old hard sell.
"Push, pull, click, click.
Change sides that quick.
" You really want a guy leading a parade down Broadway with his arm twisted behind his back? Look, fellas.
I'd like to have a hero who loves us.
That was my first choice.
But if I have to, I'll settle for one who hates us.
Who the hell's gonna know the difference anyway? The jerk doesn't even speak the language.
We're gonna know.
And since we're his doctors, we're not releasing him until he's ready.
I'm due at H.
To brief General Clark on this situation.
When I get back, I'm bringing his personal physician to authorize Lieutenant Chong-Wha's release.
So you just stay here.
And you two, take real good care of our boy.
I'm not usually this upset till 9:00 or 10:00.
What do you say we get some coffee? - Yeah.
You want some coffee? Come on.
- Thank you.
It's a nice break for you to get away from Reddish for a while.
It isn't easy shoveling manure in two languages.
I don't think Major Reddish is such a bad man.
What he's offering the lieutenant is a better life.
But he doesn't seem to think so.
Sometimes a person can look at a good thing and doesn't even know it.
I was saying that to a nurse just last night.
Do you know - I was once in a painting very much like this.
- You were? Really? Mm-hmm.
I had a friend, Phillipe.
He was an artist.
One day we went to the countryside near Honfleur and I posed for a painting which he called, uh What does that mean? - Nude at the Picnic.
- Ah.
You posed nude? Wonderfully French of you.
I had a wonderful time with that painting.
Phillipe, he owed quite a bit of money at a bistro on the Boulevard Saint-Michel.
To pay it back, he gave them the painting.
I used to enjoy eating at the table underneath the painting.
And And I would watch the people look from the painting to me, and then back again.
Didn't your husband mind your posing nude? Or was this before you were married? I was never married.
Even if Robert was my husband, he would not mind.
You weren't married.
Uh I understood you to say that you shared an apartment.
But I don't want to talk about Robert.
It still makes me sad.
And this is a time for happiness, huh? When the war is finished I would like to come to your country.
It would be so nice to meet your family your sister, your father and mother.
This seat taken? - Uh, no.
- Uh, garcon, a whiskey and water.
- How 'bout a refill, Winchester? - No, I'm fine.
Thank you.
What's the matter? Your lady friend busy Red Crossing tonight? Uh, yeah.
I can understand your attraction for mademoiselles.
I knew my share back in the first World War.
'Course, that was P.
M pre-Mildred.
One I'll never forget was Danielle.
She was an older woman of 20.
She worked in the boulangerie in Soissons.
She was very sophisticated.
At least I thought she was because she could pronounce boulangerie.
We spent the better part of the Battle of the Marne hanging on to one another behind the bread racks.
Wonderful woman.
Made me feel safe.
To this day, Mildred can't understand why I get misty-eyed every time I crack open French bread.
Can't understand it.
Well, hello, little lady.
Say, did you ever find yourself in the town of Soissons? Uh, yes.
Why do you ask? Oh, you remind me of an old friend from there.
How nice.
- Well, sit down.
- Thank you.
Uh I guess you finished your chores all right, huh? I was not working.
I was waiting for a friend who was supposed to come visit.
I'm very sorry, Martine.
I'm not feeling very well.
I thought I'd stop in for a drink before I go to bed.
Might help me sleep.
- Oh, that's too bad.
- Well, it's nothing very serious.
Colonel Potter's been very nice company.
If you'll excuse me, please.
Oh, Charles, leaving so soon? - And so alone? - Shut up.
If you boys don't have a better offer why don't you come and join us? Thank you, Colonel.
You don't mind if we sit in? - Please excuse me.
- Oh, if we're intruding, we No, no.
I would just like to have a drink.
Stay put.
I can get curb service.
No, thank you.
- Is she okay? - Beats me.
So what's the latest on the tug-of-war over the North Korean pilot? Unfortunately, Major Reddish is winning.
He's coming back tomorrow to get Chong-Wha.
Too bad.
I hate to see any fellow human being, even the enemy in the clutches of a P.
You know, uh, I don't think she's coming back.
If Winchester's giving her the gate I hope he knows what he's doing.
Sometimes a man can have an awfully good thing staring him right in the face and not even know it.
You know, you're the second person who's said that to me today.
Okay, I'll hold.
He's ringing him right now.
Hello, Major Reddish? Captain Pierce would like to talk to you.
Major? Sorry to bother you at this late hour.
I just wanted to congratulate you as soon as I heard the news.
Yeah, that's right.
You got yourself a hero.
I don't know how.
Could be the picture of Rita Hayworth the guys in post-op were passing around.
I know she always makes me wanna go home.
To mine or hers.
Huh? Oh, yeah.
How's first thing in the morning? We'll have him all ready for you.
Yes? How are you feeling? Fine.
Oh, better.
Thank you.
Charles, have you a moment to speak? - Could it wait? - No.
I must leave tomorrow.
And I would like to know what has happened between us.
- Nothing's happened.
- Charles.
Please don't treat me like a child.
I can see that you are different since the picnic when we were talking about the future and all the wonderful times we would have together.
And now all of a sudden, you are very much distant.
There's no sense getting into this.
What makes no sense is to finish the kind of relationship we had without knowing why.
Martine, we are simply not compatible.
When we were alone last night, we were not "compatible"? Yes.
We were.
But, uh this isn't Boston.
I don't understand.
Martine My family is very conventional.
They could never understand the life you've lived your bohemian way.
They couldn't accept it.
What matters is, can you accept it? No.
I can't.
I'm sorry.
But no.
And there's nothing I can do.
I can't change who I am.
Charles, you make me very sad.
But I am not nearly so sad for me as I am for you.
Me? You know, I told you earlier that I was not attracted to your friend Hawkeye because he was too much a little boy.
I can see now that you are not enough of one.
Yeah! Better be hittin' the road.
I got photographers waiting at Kimpo and a press conference in Tokyo.
- All set for you, Major.
- Thank you, Captain.
Lieutenant Chong-Wha's picture's gonna be on the front page of every paper in the U.
Of A.
Click, click.
What the hell is this? - Well, the uniform's big, but that can be taken in.
- You were.
- Pierce, where's my man? - He's on his way to a P.
He's got no business there.
I want my North Korean.
- What's wrong with him? - He is a South Korean.
North, South.
Without a program, it's hard to tell.
Look, this guy wants to go to the States.
I have no family.
I am not a combat soldier, so the army won't miss me.
- You stay out of this.
- Joon-Sung is the perfect hero.
He speaks fluent English, loves hot dogs, knows American history better than we do.
Besides, he's cute as the dickens.
You don't want some guy who's gonna be sticking his tongue out at America.
You want a happy turncoat.
Listen, face it, Major.
This man is gonna be great P.
Just run him up the flagpole and watch them salute.
I refuse to lie.
And you call yourself a P.
I am a soldier first.
I won't lie without orders.
If you're gonna start throwing the truth around, you'd better hurry.
You put this story on the wire last night.
John Cameron Swayze is already hop-scotching it around the world.
Hoist by your own P.
Are we going to America, or aren't we? Let's get this show on the road.
You know we might just blow this by 'em.
Now you're talkin' your language.
- So long, Doctors.
- Good luck, Joon-Sung.
- Don't drink the water over there.
- Thanks for everything! Good luck.
I think he'll make a great hero.
- As long as nobody asks him to fly a plane.
- Yeah.
By now, Joon-Sung's probably pulling ticker tape out of his hair.
Pretty soon he'll be eating cheeseburgers, looking for a split-level and cheating on his income tax.
I feel kind of sorry for Chong-Wha.
I know it's what he wants, but a P.
Camp isn't exactly a day at the beach.
Well, maybe our going-away gift'll cheer him up a little.

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