McMillan & Wife (1971) s01e07 Episode Script

Till Death Do Us Part

[siren approaching] (Enright) Commissioner, it's pretty messy this time.
We're getting a sample of the acid.
Carefully, I hope.
Very carefully.
(reporter #1) Give us a statement, Commissioner.
Come on, Commissioner.
Give us a statement.
(reporter #2) Was it hydrosulfurous acid in the water? Later, gentlemen, later.
(reporter #3) Is the Asylum Killer a man or a woman? Come on, were there any witnesses? Any leads on this one? I just got here, gentlemen.
(Enright) Commissioner, we found footprints again.
The usual overshoes? Well looks like it.
But I'm afraid they're not gonna do us any good.
(Hank) The Asylum Killer's footprints? It looks that way.
Can't you just see him standing there, watching.
In his last letter, Commissioner, he said he was always sorry when one of his victim dies because then he has to plan his next one.
We're all sorry.
I've lost count, Commissioner.
How many unsolved cases does this make that your department is trying to pin on the Asylum Killer? Before I answer that question you'll have to rephrase it.
Rephrasing the question won't change the answer, Commissioner.
And I haven't lost count.
Five unsolved murders, including this one.
How long are you going to let one man terrify an entire city? I hope you realize the kind of coverage you're giving these killings is only adding to the hysteria.
A little less sensationalism would be greatly appreciated by your police department.
Any leads, Commissioner? We'll get him.
When, Commissioner? In a week, a month? My viewers are getting a little edgy, you know.
Your telecasts are getting me a little edgy.
You may tell your viewers tonight that an arrest is imminent.
Imminent? Do you mean this is the Asylum Killer's last murder? Is that what you're saying? I'm saying, the next time I have to see any of you will be at the press conference I'll call when I announce the arrest.
That's all, thank you.
When exactly will that press conference be, Commissioner? Anything yet, Phil? I'm taking it back to the lab now, Commissioner.
All right.
Tom, get a report back to me as soon as you can.
Yes, sir.
I shouldn't let the press get to me like that, but that Peter Jordan would have his viewers hysterical by nightfall if I didn't say something reassuring.
I thought you were most reassuring, sir.
I feel much better.
I just hope that the Asylum Killer hears that he's committed his last murder.
Yeah, and like everyone else, he believes everything he hears on the news.
You think he's already planning his next one? I do.
If only there was some connection between all these killings, a motive.
At least we'd have some way of predicting who his next victim might be.
Hey, I see you! What do you do, get your kicks stealing the Police Commissioner's paper? I can see the news on TV, you know.
[phone ringing] This better be good.
Hello? Oh, Mother, how are you? [Emily chattering on phone] What? I never won anything before in my life.
I just couldn't believe it.
Moon Mountain, that's that new resort that everybody's been talking about, isn't it? [Emily continues chattering] You're leaving right now? That's the way the contest works, they said.
You have to be able to go immediately.
And of course, I am, so I said yes.
Except that tomorrow's your birthday, of course.
I feel bad about that.
Don't worry about that.
You can get me something expensive when you get back.
Anyway, I'm sure that Mac's got something marvelous planned for tomorrow night.
Mother, that's it.
The dinner was for tomorrow night! I'm not following you.
Oh, Mother, wait a minute.
It all started this afternoon when I got a call from Mei Ling's restaurant telling me that my husband wanted me to meet him for dinner there tonight.
Something about a religious holiday, that was celebrated by Celebrated by men who worship their wives.
[Emily chattering on phone] What do you mean, that doesn't sound like Mac? That sounds exactly like Mac, Mother.
Anyway, I went.
But I ate alone.
Mac never showed up.
Well, now I realize it was the restaurant that made the mistake.
Mac meant dinner for tomorrow night.
Oh, yes, l-I'm sure that's what happened, darling.
That does sound like Mac.
Well, I have to hurry.
See you in a couple of days.
Okay, Mother, you have a good time.
Bye bye.
Of course that's it.
I can't remember my own birthday.
Mildred! Mildred, where are you? Mildred! Where are you? Mmm.
Somebody having a party? What's going on? How sweet.
Where are my needles? Oh, Mildred.
Did you have to take my needles out of my knitting? Mildred, where are you? You win.
(man on TV) Lagging attendance has forced one of the most unique double-headers in sports.
For the price of one, you'll get a roller-skating race and as soon as they can clear the court, a basketball game.
Now, if that doesn 't get the fans out, they'll get an ice rink Where are those needles? for a double-header of basketball and ice hockey.
Tip from an old hand: All that is really needed to increase attendance is a winning team.
Pete? Well, speaking of double-headers, the Asylum Killer promises one next time, too.
In a letter sent directly to this newscaster, earlier this evening, the crazed m urderer boasts he'll deliver his sixth and seventh victims sim ultaneously and in the immediate future.
We go now to Marshall Downs for a report on what local citizens are doing about it.
Just what kind of dogs have people been buying lately, Mrs.
Maxwell? Uh, German shepherds and Doberman pinschers, and that's it.
And has the demand increased over the last few weeks? Oh, I should say so.
I'm selling about two dogs a day now.
Before the Asylum Killer, I was lucky to sell two a week.
Business is just great.
The failure of local police to discover the identity of the murderer clearly has citizens in a panic.
No longer content to depend on San Francisco 's finest for protection, they have begun to arm themselves.
The city's three largest gun stores report a run on rifles.
Now, back to Marshall Downs for that report.
How is business, Mr.
James? Well, booming.
[chuckling] Bang, bang, booming.
Actually, I've never seen anything like it before.
We're completely sold out of rifles, and so are our competitors.
Then a citizen who doesn 't already have a rifle can 't get one? Oh, no, no, don 't say anything like that on the air.
We're expecting a big new shipment tomorrow.
What do you think all this gun-buying means, Mr.
James? Well, I know what it means to me.
I'm not gonna be out on the streets after dark.
Because of the Asylum Killer? No, no.
Because of the people I'm selling the guns to.
(Peter) Meanwhile, the police continue their investigation of this morning's gruesome murder.
At the scene of the fifth slaying, Police Commissioner McMillan had this to say in response to a question from your newscaster.
You may tell your viewers tonight that an arrest is imminent.
Imminent? Do you mean this is the Asylum Killer's last murder? Is that what you're saying? I'm saying, the next time I'll see any of you will be at the press conference I'll call when I announce the arrest.
That's all.
(Peter) There you have it, ladies and gentlemen.
A promise from the Police Commissioner, and a challenge to that promise from the Asylum Killer.
Already proclaiming two more victims before an arrest can be made.
There's no doubt about it.
Hydrosulfurous acid with eight percentage points mercury content.
There's only company that makes it that way.
There's a list in here.
Uh, Allied General Chemical Company.
[doorbell ringing] (newscaster) Today, quick coverage of the Bay Area news.
This has been KYES-- Hi, honey.
Sorry l' m late.
I called a couple of times, but you were out.
Oh, really? I bet if you try real hard, you can guess where.
At dinnertime? I have no idea.
Where? Oh, come on, you're not trying.
Wherever it was, you don't look as though you were having any fun.
Want a drink? No thanks.
Are you all right? No.
It's not supposed to show.
Not even to me? You look a little down, wanna go out for dinner? Okay, that did it.
We've been out to dinner, Mac.
To Mei Ling's.
Peking duck for two.
Is it coming back to you now? What are you talking about? Actually, the reason that you may be having such trouble remembering is because you weren't there! That does sound like a logical explanation.
But you did make the arrangements, didn't you? Peking duck 24 hours in advance? No, Sally, I didn't do anything of the sort.
I don't even know where you got the idea.
Well, I got the idea from the restaurant.
They called me this afternoon, and they told me that my husband would like me to join him for dinner there tonight.
And you went.
Just like that.
Well, Mac, they said that you said that it was a religious holiday.
So it never occurred to me to check.
Oh, what religious holiday? The religious holiday celebrated by men who worship their wives.
Come on, Sally, that doesn't even sound like me.
That's exactly what Mother said.
Oh, she did? I argued with her.
I told her I thought it sounded exactly like you.
Sure you don't want a drink? I think I'll have a drink.
[ice clinking] Mac, if you didn't order the dinner, then who did? Probably somebody playing a practical joke on you, which I don't find very funny, either.
Did you eat the duck? Well, they would have been offended if I didn't, you know the Chinese.
No, but how was it? Wonderful.
I wish I could've made it, I'm starving.
I brought yours home.
It's in the oven, warming.
You're a perfect wife.
Paper come tonight? No, he got away with it again.
I don't think that's very funny, either.
Stealing the Police Commissioner's paper.
He's just a dog, he doesn't know who I am.
Well, it wasn't a dog tonight, unless he's taken up wearing trousers.
I saw him dashing off with it when I came home.
You saw a man taking the paper? Well, I didn't see him actually taking it, but the paper was gone, and the man was running away.
What else could it be? I think I'll take a look.
[door slamming] Where did you find that? Behind the trees.
Where I told the paper boy to throw it to keep it away from that dog.
Then that man wasn't after the paper? Oh, I'm sure he was.
He just didn't know where to look.
Well, I wish he'd stolen the paper.
I wish someone had stolen the television set.
Mac, you don't think the Asylum Killer's gonna get away with this new threat, do you? What new threat? Well, it was on television.
He wrote the station another letter.
I wish he'd write us.
Well, he knows you wouldn't give him half the attention the press does.
Nobody is giving him more attention than I am.
I have men all over the city trying to find him.
What did the letter say? This time he promises two victims to die simultaneously.
When did you hear that? It was just on.
I'll call Enright.
You mean you really don't know? On the news it sounded like you were ready to make an arrest.
I'm ready, all right.
I just don't know who to arrest.
[phone ringing] Well, he's not there.
Well, here's one for you.
What are you doing opening my letter? It's from Mildred.
I've been wondering where she was.
This will certainly tell you.
It says: "Grow tall ant hill tea bag say apple tournament.
" Sounds like Mildred.
Gotta see it to read it.
"Grow tall" go tall, go tall Got call.
She got a call.
"Ant hill" ant hill, ant hill A-Aunt ill.
Her aunt's ill.
"Tea bag say apple tournament.
" [muttering] She'll be back the day after tomorrow.
She got a call that her aunt is ill and she'll be back the day after tomorrow.
Where does her aunt live? Oh, they just moved again, somewhere near Bishop, I think.
Seen the letter opener? Isn't it there? You sitting on it? No.
Oh, Mildred must have borrowed it and forgotten to put it back.
Of course.
All the food in the refrigerator.
She used the letter opener on the food in the refrigerator? No.
That's why she prepared all that food.
The refrigerator's stuffed.
That's to last us until she gets back.
And speaking of food, where's my duck? I want you to give it another minute.
I want it to be just right.
I wonder what she did with it? You know, Sally, I'm proud of you.
Proud of me? Why? Mmm-hmm.
Not too long ago, if you'd thought I'd stood you up you wouldn't have been here now.
You'd have run to Mother.
Well, I might have this time, except when I got home, the phone was ringing, and it was Mother telling me goodbye.
I didn't know she was going anywhere.
She wasn't.
She won one of those ridiculous telephone contests.
You know, they asked her a question, she answered it.
Well, now she's off on a free weekend at that new resort, Moon Mountain.
First Mildred, now your mother, Iooks like a mass exodus.
You can hardly call my mother and Mildred a "mass" anything.
I wish we had a sick aunt to get us out of town for a few days.
I'd even settle for an anemic cousin.
Well, I tried.
Happy Birthday.
Oh, Mac.
Acapulco? I made arrangements with the department to be out of town for a few days.
But obviously, now we--we can't go.
You don't have to explain it to me.
We'll keep the tickets, just change the date of departure.
And tomorrow night I'll take you out to dinner some place you've never been before.
And this time I will be with you, I promise.
You don't have to take me anyplace special.
I much prefer plain old hamburger with you to Peking duck without you.
We're gonna make tomorrow night an occasion.
Even if we never leave the premises.
Oh, I like that part about never leaving the premises.
[phone ringing] I didn't hear that.
I didn't get home in time to hear that.
Nobody knows what time I got home.
If I don't answer it, they'll just call somebody else.
That's all.
[phone continues ringing] I'm too conscientious for this job.
Hello, Enright here.
A telegram? Yeah, go ahead, read it.
(in feminine voice) "Tried unsuccessfully "to reach you by phone tonight.
"Have decided a weekend off may do us both good.
"Am taking Sally on a trip.
"Why don't you try it? "See you on Monday, Mac.
" A trip? Well, I know he's going on a trip.
I mean, I was there when he picked up the tickets.
Huh, oh no, operator, I wasn't talking to you.
But thank you, thank you very much indeed.
[phone goes dead] If you tell me what you're looking for, maybe I can be more helpful.
I'll know it when I find it.
It's bound to be a sale between 80 and 1 00 gallons.
Wait a minute.
" Is that the name of a company? To tell you the truth, I don't know.
You have a phone book? Over there.
No Salymac company here.
Well, it's signed for by a Mr.
250 Trenton.
Thank you.
Wait a couple of hours and I'll give you some champagne to go with it.
Why do I have to wait? You warming that, too? Will you look in the refrigerator? There's a note on there.
Well, it's from Mildred, you know I can't read it.
[chuckling] I know it.
It says "Happy Birthday.
"To be consumed at midnight "to commemorate yet another year, Iove, Mildred.
" Makes it sound like an anniversary.
Still, it's a good year.
Do we have to wait? We do.
It's a nice way to begin my birthday.
Smells good.
I know, it is good.
Forgot a fork? Oh, shoot.
There aren't any knives.
Don't be ridiculous.
Of course there's knives.
Mac, there aren't any knives.
[chuckling] That's what I said.
How is it? Delicious.
[metallic clanging] What are you doing? Mac, there aren't any knives.
I'll check the sterling.
Mac, you don't think that somebody's That's a ridiculous idea.
The knives are gonna be right here.
There aren't any knives.
Just silver.
Do you think this is another practical joke? Well, next year, I'm not gonna tell anybody that it's my birthday.
Who did you tell this year? Nobody.
Mac, you don't think it's a joke, do you? Well, offhand, I'd say we've been robbed.
The TV's here.
I was just watching it.
All the appliances are here.
Isn't that what they usually take first? In better homes, they've been known to.
The jewelry, I'll check it.
I'll check Enright again.
[phone ringing] Hello.
Oh, Sgt.
How nice to hear from you again tonight.
Loretta, I'm very, very sorry about having to work late tonight.
Oh, that's all right, Sergeant.
When you cancelled our dinner, I decided to spend the evening with an old friend.
Oh, well I figured that there was someone waiting in line to take my place.
But I'm glad you got home early.
I never left home.
Oh, you mean, your friend came over to your house? [stuttering] Is he still there? I mean, uh, look, Loretta, I can call back later.
No, I'm glad you called.
I missed being with you tonight, Sergeant.
Yeah, so did l.
I mean, I missed being with you, Loretta.
And I was kinda hopin' that we could just leave tonight.
I've got reservations and everything.
Uh, separate rooms, of course.
Reservations? Are we going somewhere, Sergeant? Well, the last time I was with you, you mentioned this trip you were interested in taking.
Oh, Sergeant, you don't mean Moon Mountain? I mean, that's the trip this season.
You--You got reservations? Well, I had to throw my weight around a little, but I got 'em.
Well, is that okay? I mean, uh, is it possible? I mean, will you, Loretta? Tonight? Excuse me, but I am talking to Sgt.
Charles Enright of the San Francisco Police, aren't l? I-ls something wrong? Y-You can't go? Well, it's--it's just such an unexpected invitation.
I mean, especially coming from you, Sergeant.
I've, I've never known you to be so impulsive.
Oh, it's the first time I ever have been.
And if you can't go, it's probably gonna be the last.
Oh, I can go.
I've been waiting for someone to invite me to Moon Mountain ever since it opened.
But I never dreamed it would be you.
Yeah, well, neither did l.
Enright's still busy.
Stereo's there, antiques, paintings.
Nothing is missing.
You sound disappointed.
Well, I am.
It's a little bit unflattering to be told that your jewelry isn't even worth stealing.
There're some really nice pieces in here.
Camera's still here.
Mac, it just occurred to me, that man who was outside.
He's the thief that invited us to dinner, so he could burgle the house.
It wasn't a practical joke at all.
That just occurred to you, huh? You'd already figured it out.
Everything else probably makes sense to you, too.
No, nothing else makes sense.
Wait a minute.
The letter opener's missing.
Oh, Mildred just misplaced that.
No, of course, we just thought that Mildred misplaced that.
Knives and a letter opener.
It's so strange, you know, my knitting needles are missing, too.
Knitting needles? I was gonna knit while waiting for you to come home tonight, but couldn't find my needles.
I found my knitting, but couldn't find my needles.
Knitting needles, knives, a letter opener.
Scissors, Sally.
Scissors? Of course, everything else was sharp.
Razor blades.
No scissors.
Mine, too.
Let's check in the kitchen.
No scissors, Mac.
My tools are gone.
Sharp objects.
Why, I just don't understand it.
What other sharp objects do we have? The fireplace tools.
Oh Mac, I don't understand this.
There's gotta be a logical explanation to all this.
Oh good, what? I don't know yet.
Let's go over the facts again.
Well, there's only one fact.
We've been robbed.
First, you were treated to a pre-birthday dinner by a party unknown.
Who was trying to get us out of the house so he could rob us.
Only he didn't take anything of value.
Value to him is obviously different than value to us.
He took only sharp objects.
Obviously, he didn't want us to cut What? Ourselves, Mac? I doubt that.
Could it have possibly been Mildred? Could she have done something with all of our sharp objects? Well, that's good thinking.
When a housekeeper like Mildred lives with you, she's definitely a suspect at all times.
I wonder if he's still on the phone.
[phone ringing] Now there's no answer.
It's not like the good sergeant.
First he's out, then he's in, then he's out again.
[crickets chirping] No, l--I always keep this with me.
I feel naked without it.
Oh, like I feel without my weapon? I have a lot more in here than just a weapon.
These are the big guns.
Eye shadow, make-up base, wrinkle cream, milk cleanser.
Well, I promise I won't steal it.
[phone ringing faintly] Champagne.
Sergeant, is this the real you? No, it isn't.
But then, it's not the real Commissioner to give me the weekend off, either.
This is really quite exciting, Sergeant.
Are you gonna call me Sergeant all weekend, Loretta? I love calling you Sergeant.
I mean, I like that you're a Sergeant, don't you? Well, sure I do, it's just that I wanna forget it for the weekend.
I mean, I wanna let Charlie Enright out to howl for a couple of days.
Well, I find Charlie Enright adorable, also.
You know, Loretta, l, I really didn't think that you were going to come with me.
I mean, I really didn't think that you would.
I mean, there must be a whole line of fellows just waiting to take you to nice places.
Well, a lot of guys call me, yes, but you're my only Sergeant.
Mac? Hmm.
I have solved it.
It was Mildred.
She took all our knives to her aunt's? No, she had them sharpened.
Don't you see, some man probably came to the door and Mildred gave him everything that we own to be sharpened.
Doesn't that sound exactly like Mildred? They'll be back tomorrow, nice and sharp.
O-Only, why would she give him my knitting needles and the letter opener? And the fire poker.
Only, that really sounds like Mildred, too.
Doesn't it? I suppose so, honey.
Mac, if it wasn't Mildred then then the person who took all those sharp objects would have to be insane, wouldn't he? Central? (woman on radio) Central.
41 2 here.
What's Commissioner McMillan's address? 250 Trenton.
That's what I thought.
Thank you.
Mac, you know that double murder that the Asylum Killer has planned? Mmm-hmm.
You don't suppose he has anybody special in mind, do you? Now let's not get like everybody else in San Francisco, imagining we're his next victims.
How about a drink? The corkscrew and the bottle opener are missing, aren't they? Not even Mildred would have those sent out to be sharpened.
Mac, I think I'll take you up on that drink now.
[coughing] It's so strong.
Just what are you trying to take my mind off of? It's what I'd like to get your mind on.
El centro.
El centro.
Sally, I've got a great idea.
Why don't we begin celebrating your birthday tonight? Let's check into a hotel, have breakfast in bed, spend the rest of the day there, and go out on the town tomorrow night.
A real 24-hour celebration.
What a tempting idea especially the part about spending the day in bed.
You always did know how to make a girl an offer.
Then let's go.
Next year.
I don't think the Police Commissioner should be chased out of his house tonight.
No one's chasing me.
I wanted to take you to Acapulco, didn't l? But since we have to stay in the city, the least I can do is take you to a hotel tonight.
You're only offering because you think I'm scared.
Are you scared? Yes.
Then let's go.
Come here.
You can't run away every time your wife is a little scared.
That's what I love about you.
If we stay, do you think you'll be able to sleep? Of course.
He didn't take the bed, did he? All right.
I'll get a patrol car to cruise the neighborhood.
Nothing wrong with that.
As long as he doesn't bother us.
[car engine faltering] Um, why don't you look under the hood? Well, I don't think it would do very much good.
How do you know? Because everything always looks fine every time I look under the hood.
Oh, you, too, huh? Me, too.
You too? Me too.
Oh, listen, I was, uh, saving this till later, but we might as well drink it now.
It would help to keep us--keep us warm.
Uh, it's not on ice.
Well, that's okay, because I am.
You know, I didn't know which kind you'd prefer, you know, the Piper's or the--the Mumm's.
They're both good.
I mean, some people are really very, very, very fussy.
[cork popping] Excuse me.
They're really fussy about the kind of champagne that they--they drink.
Oh, I know I know some men who think they can't get down anything but Dom Perignon.
I don't know that one.
Oh, it's good, too.
Well, all I knew was is that I wanted something Skal.
Something imported.
I wasn't gonna settle for any of that domestic stuff.
Hey that's really good.
Sally, you know what I'm thinking? You got a solution.
I'm thinking, maybe I should go back into law practice.
[chuckling] Oh Mac.
Well, it would be okay, if I could keep my public life out of my private one but I can't seem to do that.
It's exactly the way I like it.
You know, I'm very suspicious of men who do not involve their wives in their work.
And you know yourself, that my dad said that my mother could put clues together faster than he could.
I wish she were here tonight.
Don't you find that a little strange? What? Mother's not here.
Why would anybody want to get my mother out of town? She does have a way of dropping in unexpectedly.
I never thought that bothered you.
It doesn't.
I love your mother.
How nice! [sighing] Still, I wish that Mildred's aunt could've held on until Mother got back.
Do you have a phone number for Mildred's aunt? Just in case Mildred does know where the knives are.
Not since she's moved.
Anyway, Mildred's not gonna get there till tomorrow morning, she takes the bus.
Mac, you don't suppose there's a possibility that Mildred is gonna find her aunt in good health? A possibility that it's all part of the same plan that got me out of the house, so we could be robbed, got us robbed, and that got my mother out of town for the weekend? I think it's a possibility it's all part of the same plan.
And it's also a possibility that by the light of day none of this will seem so puzzling.
You are not trying to tell me that you could sleep? You wouldn't care to join me, would you? Well, it's not that I couldn't sleep, it's just that I did have this book that I was dying--dying to finish.
What book? War and Peace.
I didn't know you had started.
Oh, I haven't.
I just thought tonight would be an ideal night to start it and to finish it.
Well, l--I probably couldn't sleep, either.
You are so cute when you lie.
How about Scrabble? Scrabble, thanks a lot.
How can you keep your mind on Scrabble? Well, if I don't, you know where it will be.
Well, I guess l'd, uh, better call for help.
Call? There's no one around to hear you.
[chuckling] Well, I have a car phone.
Of course, I wasn't planning to use it on this trip.
But it's a lot faster than calling an auto club.
You know, I was telling my roommate about all the advantages of dating a man like you.
And I didn't know you had a car phone, but I'll put that on my list.
Your list? Well, uh, I'd sure like to hear that list.
I mean, what does someone like you see in a cop? Well, I think best of all, I like that you like being a cop.
You do, don't you? Yes.
I mean, uh, why else would I do it? Now, I'm a model for the money that's in it.
I don't know of any cops that are in it for the money.
I don't think I've ever gone with anyone that could make that statement.
Hello, operator? This is Sergeant Charles Enright of the San Francisco Police Department.
[giggling] It just gives me goosebumps hearing you say it.
Uh, well, maybe it's the cold.
No, it's you.
Uh, yes, operator, this is Sergeant Charles Enright of the San Francisco police.
And I think I've just run out of gas.
Well, that's all I can get.
"Rear"? Oh, why didn't you make it "dear"? I don't have a D.
You ruined my play.
No, here, I've still got one.
Two, three, four, five and four is nine.
"Death?" That's a swell word.
How did you think of that? Why hasn't that patrol car arrived? I'm sure it already has.
You don't think they'd shine a spotlight in the living room, just to let us know they're here, do you? They patrol outside 'cause if there's someone to find, that's where he'll be.
If they find him.
If there's someone to find.
Is that it? Hmm.
What if he's there and they don't find him? Oh, this game is not doing me a bit of good, Mac.
My mind is still you-know-where.
Let's play another kind of game.
One that's a little more dangerous.
Like what? Well, if there is someone out there, he's probably waiting for us to go to bed before he makes his next move.
(Sally) So, we turn out the lights and nab him.
Are you game? It's a lot more interesting than Scrabble.
[car approaching] [crickets chirping] Loretta, we're here.
Moon Mountain.
Loretta? Look, this is the trip you've been waiting for a whole year for someone to take you on and now someone has.
Loretta, you all right? Hadn't we better go home now, Sergeant? I mean, isn't it getting late? Loretta.
Don't go to sleep.
We're here.
Moon Mountain.
And no wonder everybody's talking about it.
I mean, it's fantastic.
Please? Stay here.
[creaking] Mac.
[crickets chirping] Well, Mac, nothing's happened.
What now? I think, we'd feel better if we took a stroll through the neighborhood.
What a wonderful idea.
By moonlight, it'll even be romantic.
[keys rattling] [door slamming] Isn't it a perfect night for a stroll? Oh, I always try to take a walk on garbage night.
That's when the street looks its best.
Why don't you not look down, you should look up at the stars.
That's one of the things I love about you.
[banging] Hey.
Open up, police.
[dog barking] Stop it! Down! Down! Down, Mac.
I'm afraid you'll have to forgive Mac.
He's a killer.
But that's why we got him, of course.
To protect us from the Asylum Killer.
Well, I'm sorry, but a man just ran through your door.
Oh, that was Harry.
He lives here.
And I recognize you from the TV.
You're the Police Commissioner, right? Uh, yeah, that's right, ma'am.
Uh, this is my wife, Sally.
I told Harry he was gonna have to cut that out, now that we have a Police Commissioner Iiving in the neighborhood.
What exactly was Harry doing? Come on, Harry, tell them.
Maybe the Commissioner will show a little mercy, since we're neighbors and they won't give you the electric chair.
[clearing throat] Well, uh, since her mother moved in with us, Commissioner, we're a five-can family.
But I still only got four cans.
So, on garbage nights l Come on, Harry, tell him.
I slip the extra in other folks' cans.
You know, you have four cans, Commissioner.
But you're not really much more than a two-can family.
Well, I mean, you can have one of our cans.
Maybe just borrow it, until you have kids, or, uh, her mother comes to live with you.
(Mac) I feel better now, don't you? Isn't it amazing what the mind can imagine? And how simple it all is when you have an explanation? He wasn't a prowler at all.
Hey, it's almost midnight, it's time for champagne.
[door slamming] [clock chiming] [cork popping] Happy Birthday, sweetheart.
This is gonna be a terrific birthday.
You know, I feel ten years younger than I did ten minutes ago.
How old are you now, anyway? What a tacky question.
Well, I'm not sure I ever did know.
I don't think you're ever gonna know.
The only part you have to know is the part about "till death do us part.
" You had to say that, didn't you? It just slipped out.
Some more? Mmm-hmm.
You know, I'm beginning to get really sleepy.
Oh, yeah? [alarm buzzing] Drugged.
[thudding] [doorbell ringing] [thudding continues] [doorbell continues ringing] Okay, Joe, we're all set.
Let's go over the checklist again.
Food cleared, windows check, doors check, check, check, check.
What are you so worried about? I don't take chances.
Not in this job.
Look, I don't take chances, either.
The list was correctly posted on the door.
In fact, what I'm showing you is that everything's been checked.
It just seems kind of funny, everything done.
They must have got here awfully early.
You know what they always say, "The early bird gets the worms.
" Except all we ever get is the bugs.
[motor puttering] [motor continues puttering] [wheezing] [coughing] Sally.
Sally, get up, quickly.
[coughing] What is it, Mac? What's happening? I 'm not sure, yet.
[motor running loudly] [Mac coughing] Can't get out.
Are you all right? Yeah.
I just feel like I spent the day in LA.
Mac, it looks as though there's a bag over the house.
Is that possible? Exterminators? Exterminators? I didn't call them.
I've been meaning to call them, but I know I didn't.
I know you didn't call them.
Neither did l.
[whispering] The Asylum Killer.
This is how he's gonna kill us, Mac.
He likes his victims to die slowly.
That's his style.
We're the double-header, Mac.
We're not gonna die slowly.
We're not gonna die at all.
We woke up just in time.
[whispering] Mac, it's dead.
Mac, you can burn it.
Maybe I can cut it.
Stand back.
[motor running] [coughing] [coughing] Here, Mac.
Let's put these under the door.
There's still time.
There's plenty of good air upstairs.
Come on.
I know gas is heavier than air.
So it rises slowly.
But it does rise.
Oh Mac, we gotta think of something else to try.
Mac, what are you doing? You can't cut through the canvas with a pole like that! [coughing] No, but we can push at it.
And somebody will see us.
Get back.
(Sally) Here.
Try my specialty, shouting.
Help! Help! Hey, cut that racket out, will you? This is Saturday.
People are still trying to sleep around here.
They got to get somebody to fix the machine before we go out on another job.
Somebody's gonna call the police department if they don't.
Just needs oiling.
We'll squirt a little on it when we get back to the shop.
Save it.
If they didn't hear that-- [crying] For what? They're not gonna hear it.
We'll get out, we'll make it.
How? We've forgotten the telephone.
That's dead, you know that.
That isn't gonna stop people from calling us.
When they can't get through, they'll investigate.
My mother.
She's always fighting with the telephone company.
But not long distance, Mac.
Mildred's not gonna call us.
Everybody else in town is used to the bad service.
They won't even think about it.
Nobody's gonna check, Mac.
I'm sure Enright will be calling to check.
Loretta, wake up.
Loretta, we've been here at Moon Mountain for hours and you don't even know what it looks like.
Come on, Iet's take a walk over to the to the window, huh.
I mean, I got this wonderful room with a view just for you.
And Oh, Loretta.
You don't know how many nights I've thought about spending the weekend with you.
I mean, I've looked forward to it from the very first moment that I ever saw you.
I know you're out of my league, Loretta, but what's the point of going out with someone who isn't out of my league? Only, this isn't really the way I imagined it, I mean Well, it's just that l I thought before we fell asleep together, that we'd be awake together.
You know, I wish the Commissioner had never even sent me that telegram.
Come to think of it, it's really not like the Commissioner to send me a telegram.
[sighing] Operator, I'd like to place a call to [sighing] Mmm.
You awake, Loretta? [motor running loudly] Here, breathe through this.
I've got another idea.
Let's go to the attic.
This is better up here.
But for how long, Mac? Oh, we have three or four hours.
Well, the way I read that, we have about an hour.
Happy Birthday.
I'd forgotten all about it.
Well, It's one birthday I'll remember for the rest of my life.
I certainly got us into one this time, didn't l? It's not your fault.
I always think I can handle anything.
You can.
You know, Mac, I'm not afraid of dying as long as we're together.
I'd just be afraid to go on living without you.
(woman) Sergeant.
Okay, they found me.
Well, I was ready to go back, anyhow.
Hull! I never expected to see you here.
It's an unexpected pleasure for me too, Sergeant.
How are you? I'm just fine.
Are you alone? Are you trying to pick me up, Sergeant? No.
But I'd love to buy you breakfast.
Look, I hate counters.
Uh, we could move over to that table.
What a lovely idea.
Thank you.
Does your room have a nice view, Sergeant? Oh yes, I've been looking at it all morning.
It's also the most expensive view I've ever had.
Well, I wouldn't know about that, Sergeant.
I'm not paying for my room.
I won this trip.
Won it? Well, how did you do that? One of those phone contests where they call and ask you a question.
Oh, what was the question you had to answer to win a trip like this? It must have been a lulu.
Oh, it was, Sergeant.
They wanted to know the name of the Police Commissioner of San Francisco.
[laughing] I wish Mac and Sally were here.
What if they didn't get away to Acapulco? Perhaps I should give them a call.
They could fly up this afternoon.
Well, I'd love seeing the Commissioner.
[motor running loudly] I thought some music would be nice.
This won first place.
For the worst wedding present that we received.
////[music playing] Ooh! The Death March.
I didn't know we had The Death March.
We don't.
This isn't ours.
He put it there.
He thought of everything.
As a matter of fact, he didn't.
[chuckling] Mr.
We haven't even seen him since the last time he turned us in to the police for playing the records too loud.
Why don't I go downstairs and play the stereo too loud? But you can't go down there.
I have to.
[whispering] You can't.
You'll know I made it when you hear the music.
[clicking] [piano music playing] (Sally) Have you come to save us? I'm afraid not, Mrs.
Though I'm touched you're able to see the potential for kindness that lurks beneath this mask.
I am here to be with you at the end, however.
I thought you'd come to save us.
No one will come to save you, Mrs.
But it's almost over now.
So why not relax and stop fighting it? You must be very sleepy.
Someone is coming to save us.
And your disappointment will only be the greater if you continue to think that.
You've done all you can, Mrs.
I congratulate you and your husband.
You've lasted much longer than I thought you would.
[groaning] [piano continues playing] Are you comfortable? Mmm.
We've never met, Mrs.
But your voice is familiar.
That pleases me, thank you.
But if I don't know you, why are you doing this? I don't understand.
I'm afraid they never understand.
I've talked to them all, you know.
Just before the end.
Talked to who? Why, my victims.
You and your husband will make six and seven.
I can't tell you how pleased I am with myself over this one.
It's clearly the most original and also the most technically difficult.
The storyline was perfect from the beginning, of course.
But then to have dream casting, the Police Commissioner and his wife.
"Dream casting?" Are you filming this? [coughing] Just lie here quietly.
[thudding] Everything is going to be fine.
[Mac coughing] (Mac) Sally, why did you open the door? Sally! [laughing maniacally] Welcome, Commissioner.
So, you finally showed up.
[coughing] You do have to watch, don't you? How nice to be expected.
Your wife seemed surprised to see me.
Though we've been having a lovely little chat, considering her condition.
But I can see your mind's not quite as foggy yet.
How do you do it, Commissioner? Oh, don't make that mistake, just after I praised you on how well your mind was working.
Oh, this afternoon? I don't see how.
Mmm, three days' work.
No, no, I don't think so.
Yeah, I realize.
But thank you, anyway.
They wanted you to work today? Yes, all weekend.
To pose at a factory that's closed.
You mean, they wanted you to come back from your trip for just three days' work? Isn't that asking an awful lot? But then they pay me an awful lot, Sergeant.
I get $400 a day.
$400 a day? Well, at those prices you have got to go back.
What about the prices here? I'd feel terrible if I've cost you all that money and then just slept.
Well, that's all right.
It's just that I don't know when I can get away again.
Hey, why don't l cook dinner for you one night next week? You can cook? Oh yeah, I'm a great cook.
Of course, I'm not allowed to eat.
But I'm a great cook.
And thank you for the best sleep I've had in weeks.
Sally, wake up.
Don't sleep.
He said I could sleep.
Why don't you leave your wife alone, Commissioner? She's beginning to rest quite easily.
I know who you are.
I recognize that voice.
Aren't you even going to ask me the reason why? Only last week, I believe you issued a statement that the Asylum Killer strikes for no reason at all.
I could hardly read that on the air without laughing.
There's always a reason, Commissioner.
There's nothing to connect them.
You chose your victims at random.
Why? To prove I was right.
In the beginning it was only theory, of course.
I started by trying to write for television, you know.
But my scripts were rejected for their implausibility.
Well, I've showed them now, haven't l? You've been acting out your rejected scripts? And most convincingly, you'll have to admit, Commissioner.
I've terrified an entire city.
With the aid of your nightly telecasts, yes.
That was all part of my plan.
Once I decided to produce my own scripts and prove how plausible my plots were, I made sure they got the television coverage they deserved.
I'm the only newscaster who's dared to show how incompetent the police really are.
What a pity you won't be able to hear how I report your deaths on my newscast tomorrow evening.
The supreme example of police ineptitude.
[coughing] You're beginning to annoy me, Commissioner.
Don't force me to shoot you.
And wreck a plot as ingenious as yours? That would be too bad.
But I will if I have to.
I can't believe a mind as subtle as yours would resort to simple gun play.
Unless, of course, you're planning something far more ingenious than I suspected.
A triple play instead of a double-header.
Triple play? What are you talking about? With all this gas, if you fire that gun, the flash of it will blow the roof off this place.
Unless, of course, that's what you have in mind.
The three of us at once.
Who can tell with a mind like yours.
[scoffs] Kill myself? Don't be silly, Commissioner.
Still not ready? To die? Why would I ever be ready to die? But that's what all these killings are about, isn't it? Watching your victims die, trying to get to the point where you can face it.
Well, you've watched five victims die, now.
Can you go out with six and seven? // //[music playing] What are you doing? Fire it.
We could all go together.
Maybe we can even dance.
Turn that off.
Sally, breathe deeply.
Oh! Breathe.
I was just resting, Mac.
Keep it on till we get out of here.
Mac, don't shoot, the gas will explode.
[gun firing] (workman) Hey, there's some people in there, call the police! The trouble with people who invent implausible plots is they don't recognize one when they hear it.
[people laughing] Well, isn't Moon Mountain everything I said? Oh, it's so wonderful you could all get away and get here for the weekend.
Oh, Mother, that was just a lovely excuse for you to stay another week waiting for us.
Dom Perignon.
Sergeant, you shouldn't have.
Well, some people are very choosy about their champagne.
Happy Birthday, a week late.
(All) Happy Birthday.
Happy Birthday.
I'll never complain again about being a year older.
What's the matter, Commissioner? You're not drinking.
Oh no, it's not that, Sergeant, it's just that it reminds me of the last time we had champagne to celebrate Sally's birthday.
I was unconscious before I could finish it.
Now don't worry, darling, from now on, I'll be your official taster.
Hey, I like the sound of that.
Really have no trouble there.