Me, MYSELF & I (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

1 My name is Alex Riley, and this is the story of my life.
Now, in order for you to get the complete picture, I should probably start with - the day that changed everything.
- As an only child growing up in Chicago, I had two major obsessions: one was inventing stuff [upbeat music] [objects rattling] The other was Michael Jordan.
Jordan takes the fallaway, and But like I said, all that was about to change.
Hey, honey.
You know that pilot I've been seeing? The one from LA? What about him? He asked me to marry him.
And what did you say? And just like that, I was forced to live in a house full of complete strangers A house that happened to be smack-dab in the middle of Laker country.
Turns out that wouldn't be the worst day of my life.
- Not by a long shot.
- Abby.
Learn a lot today, okay? Dad? Where's my lunch? Oh, boy.
Leaving my daughter's lunch on the kitchen table isn't the bad thing I was talking about.
[tires screech] Sarah! Sarah? Sarah! This is.
Sarah! [rhythmic rustling] [rustling stops] Well, at least when life hits rock bottom, things can't get any worse, right? - Wrong.
- When you're ranking life-changing days, it's hard to top the one where you almost died.
[grunting] But our life stories aren't defined by the things that happen to us.
They're defined by how we choose to deal with them.
I'll admit I have dealt with some things better than others.
Ugh! [dog barking] Rise and shine, little bro.
Don't want to be late for school, little bro.
You think you could stop calling me that? Why? When my dad marries your mom, we're legally gonna be bros.
Step-bros.
But I'm actually talking about the word "little".
I mean, we're in the same grade.
Yeah, I'm 39 days older, and that's a responsibility I don't take lightly.
Here.
I picked out your first day of school outfit.
Thanks? But I got my own clothes.
Oh.
Okay.
I just thought it'd be a good color on you.
Hope it tastes okay.
In Chicago, it was just the two of us, so we mostly did takeout.
Yeah, by mostly, she means every single meal.
That's all right, Maggie.
All I need for breakfast is my morning coffee along with a little sugar.
I'll take my breakfast to go.
Yeah, I think I just lost my appetite forever.
Whoa.
That sucker's always been a little wobbly.
Just slip that napkin back under the leg there, would you? Actually, I think I got something a little bit better.
The Alex Riley Adjustable Table Wedge.
Patent pending.
It works on the same principle as a car jack.
Here, let's give it a try.
[device clacking] Sweet, I can eat with both hands again.
You should bring your wedge to school, honey.
It's a great conversation starter.
Eh! Wrong.
Your school identity's locked in during the first week, and we can't let Little Bro's identity be "inventor nerd".
Well, I'm just happy to have a nerd living under my roof.
You nerds are taking over the world.
Who knows, you may just grow up to be one of those famous inventors like that dweeb who started Microsoft.
- Bill Gates? - No, that's not it.
Pretty sure his name's Gene.
Well, when I grow up, I'm gonna come up with an idea that'll change the world.
The following occurs every day in Japanese restaurants across America.
Mmm.
This sushi looks so good! Oh, no! I accidentally dropped another piece of expensive sushi onto the floor.
But that is a thing of the past, thanks to the Switch-Fork.
Yum! Arigato, Switch-Fork! Mm-hmm! Okay, so it wasn't the idea that'll change the world.
We'll get 'em next time, right? What the hell's wrong with you? I'm trying to eat healthy, so I order salad, but when my food comes, I instantly regret it, so I steal your fries.
I thought it was our thing.
Okay.
"Tough love from your CFO" time.
In the past year, Riley Industries has gone from an annual revenue of 2.
3 million to pretty much zero.
Okay, define "pretty much".
Zero.
Now it's tough love time from your best friend.
Dude, your life's a mess.
- Okay, define "mess".
- Sarah got the house.
Yeah, but I got to keep my patents.
You're living in my garage.
Rent-free.
- So I longer have a man cave.
- No, you do.
There's just another man living in it.
And now you only see Abby twice a week.
Look, I know it's only been six months since the divorce, but you gotta get it together.
I have inventor's block, okay? It's not that easy to get over.
Sure it is.
You just gotta get your mind right.
Try what I do.
Every night before bed, I visualize my future.
Jasmine will be grown, so Wendy and I will move to a secluded island where our only worry is keeping the Caribbean sand out of our piña coladas.
That is some vivid imagery, man.
Keep explaining that with your eyes firmly closed.
Ooh, I got a lot of fries.
Alex, seriously.
What's your life gonna look like 25 years from now? Riley takes the ball away! Good! Bulls win! Dad wasn't able to make it for your first day back, but he sent this instead.
What? [laughs] Caribbean sand.
Well, I hope he's enjoying his piña colada.
When he called, he did sound wasted.
Yeah.
Oh, speaking of.
Do me a favor, Jasmine At some point today, would you gather the staff? I have a a sort of a big announcement to make.
Gather the staff.
What a good idea.
Why didn't I think of doing something like that? - All: Surprise! - You're very quick.
Abby.
What are you doing here? The Bulls have a game tonight.
- Dad, you look great.
- Hey.
I just flew in for an hour before I head up to Sacramento.
Is that okay? I don't want you getting in trouble.
I'm the GM.
I can do whatever I want.
Except make you head coach.
Fine.
Keep running a stagnant offense.
See if I care.
Okay, Alex, what's your big announcement? Ah, um so I'm retiring.
Effective immediately.
Surprise.
So, what are you working on? Ideas for your identity-creating moment.
It can be anything so long as it's big and memorable.
How comfortable are you with public nudity? I understand how you want me to be popular.
You know, I get it, but I've never really been into the whole "having a ton of friends" thing.
Who doesn't want to have a ton of friends? Me? As explicitly expressed in my last sentence? Okay, look, Justin, I really appreciate all the There she goes There she goes again Racing through Did everything just go slo-mo for a second there? Nori Sterling.
Yeah, she has that effect on guys at first.
But you'll get over it.
And I'm gonna see her every day at this bus stop? You'll see her, but that's as far as it'll go.
She only dates high school guys.
She's never gonna actually speak Hey, Justin.
Both: Uh You must be Justin's step-brother.
My parents told me there's a new kid in the neighborhood.
Yup.
Completely new.
Just moved in yesterday.
Could not be any newer.
I'm gonna stop talking now.
Well, welcome to the bus stop.
[gasps] Here, let me get that for you.
The Extendo-Grab 5000.
Patent pending.
And he's Inventor Nerd.
There you go.
Thanks.
I'm Nori.
I'm Alex.
There she goes [The La's' "There She Goes" playing over stereo] Whenever I hear this song, it makes me think of a girl.
- Mommy? - No.
No, Mommy's song is "Psycho Killer".
Daddy, can I ask you something important? Of course, Abby, you can talk to me about anything.
I mean, unless it's ladies stuff, 'cause I am not ready for that yet.
Are you 100% positive that Michael Jordan was the best player ever? Absolutely.
I mean, why do you even have to ask? 'Cause kids at school were saying Kobe's better.
Okay, and that is why say it with me Both: Lakers fans are stupid.
[laughing] Wait, why is there a "for sale" sign in front of the house? Abby, honey, why don't you go play inside, okay? I don't want to.
Okay, what your mother's trying to say is that Mommy and I are gonna yell at each other.
Oh.
I'll be inside.
Care to explain? Well, you know the chef I've been dating? The guy with the place on Melrose? Yeah, what about him? He asked me to marry him.
What did you say? Oh.
Duh.
He's opening a second location in San Francisco, so we're moving in a week.
[groans] Honestly, Sarah, I can't believe you're willing to leave Abby behind for some random chef.
I'm not leaving Abby behind.
She's coming to San Francisco with me.
Look, you're crazy if you think I'm gonna let you take Abby 400 miles away from here.
Okay, I don't want to be pulling her out of school and away from her friends either, but what's the alternative? I mean, you live in a garage.
It's a two-car garage! How can you expect to take care of her full-time and you can't even take care of yourself? Well, I it's hmm.
Look, I just need one sale and everything will turn around, okay? - It's it's like - Please don't tell me you're gonna use a basketball metaphor.
It's like in basketball, okay? If a player isn't hitting from the outside, the coach will draw him up a play to get him a layup, and once he sees the ball go through the hoop, he gets his confidence back, and then his shots start falling again.
- Which one is a layup? - [groans] Okay, see, this is why we didn't work.
I mean, that, and your complete disregard for the sanctity of our vows.
You really feel like you're that close to turning it around? I just gotta hit a layup.
Okay? It'll be a piece of cake.
Mom, can I have a piece of cake for dessert? Sure, but you have to order a salad with your burger instead of fries.
You can sneak some of my fries, Little B.
It'll be our thing.
I don't really want a thing.
I just want There she goes - Nori.
- [music stops] You're still seeing her in slo-mo? Dude, I told you, she's never gonna There she goes again Oh, man, she's waving at you.
She's waving at me.
Do you realize how huge this is? First, a bus stop hello.
Now a public wave? That can only mean one thing.
Nori Sterling's into you.
I thought she only dated high school boys.
I just figured out what your school identity's gonna be.
There's a dance on Friday night.
Everyone will be there.
It's perfect.
Perfect for what? The birth [whispering] of a legend.
Friday night, in front of the whole school, you're gonna kiss Nori Sterling.
[wistful music] Hey.
How's it comin'? Terrible.
Ah, dude, come on.
I'm sure it's not that bad.
Is that a wheel? Yeah, I was trying to reinvent it.
Turns out you can't.
- Okay, I'm taking that book.
- Careful, that's important.
And you're not getting it back until we get your mind right once and for all.
Now, your happy place can be anything.
Just pick someplace nice and peaceful.
[birds chirping] [sighs] [upbeat calypso music] I need an idea! I need an idea! I need an idea! I got the power! Here's the plan.
When I give the DJ the signal, he'll play a slow song.
Ask Nori to dance.
She'll say yes.
Then, out on that dance floor, with the whole school watching, it's legend time.
I have issues with every part of that plan.
I hear you.
I'm ignoring what you're saying, but I hear you.
I got the power! Ladies, how are you this fine evening? Hey, Justin.
Hey, Alex.
I like your shirt.
I picked it out for him.
So, Nori, are you having a good [sneezes loudly] [record needle scratches] [slow music plays over stereo] Excuse us for one second.
Was was that the signal? Yes and no.
The signal is a sneeze, but that was an actual sneeze.
So, man, I don't think I can ask her to slow-dance.
I mean, I've barely even talked to her.
Look into my eyes Want to dance? Hey, Father, how you doin'? Let's see, it's been, like well, forever since my last confession because I'm not Catholic.
Anyway, is there some kind of prayer that I can say that'll get Jesus to give me an awesome idea that I can turn around and sell for a ton of money? Yeah.
Seems about right.
Meditation didn't work.
Religion didn't work.
So that leaves one final option.
Medicinal baked goods.
- Now we're talking.
- All right.
Good ideas start flowing.
[both laughing] [both snoring] Look into your heart I'm so sorry, was that was that your toe again? Maybe you should let me lead.
Wait, I was supposed to be leading? Nothin' there to hide Better, right? Way better.
[making kissing sounds] [whispering] Shut up.
Excuse me, Nori, just need to borrow my little bro for a sec.
Come on.
Everyone's watching.
It's now or never.
Here, eat this mint.
Legends have fresh breath.
Look, I don't know if you've heard, but there's a rumor going around that I date high school boys.
[voice breaking] What? Never.
I've never It's not true.
Just because I don't date anyone at our school, people make up mean stories about me.
Well, why don't you date anyone at our school? Because until now, there hasn't been anyone that I liked.
Till now? There's no love Like your love And no other [gulps down mint] He's choking.
You're telling me.
No, he's literally choking.
[gulping and gagging] Little bro! [Alex and Justin grunting] Ugh! All the way, yeah You know it's true [crowd gasps] No! I'm so sorry, Nori.
Just leave her alone, Chokey.
Ch Chokey? Uh-oh.
- Chokey.
- All: Chokey.
[chanting] Chokey! Chokey! Chokey! No, I I don't want to be Chokey.
Sorry, little bro.
The mob has spoken.
And once they land on a nickname, there's no turning back.
What's up, One-Nut? All: Chokey! Chokey! I'll have a cheeseburger, dry bun, and all the fries you can fit on the plate.
Oh, he just had a heart attack, so he'll have a salad instead of fries.
Thanks.
Hey, why don't you fly to Sacramento with me? You could stay at Uncle Justin's.
That's Governor Uncle Justin.
Oh, yeah.
How weird is that? Pretty damn weird.
So, you're gonna be okay? When have I ever not been? Well, there was that time you were super depressed and lived in a garage.
Okay, it was a two-car garage, and you thought it was cool.
I was eight, and I was humoring you.
Abby, I may be entering life's fourth quarter Oh, seriously, did you come out of the womb speaking in basketball metaphors? No.
Something I picked up as a kid.
Hey.
I want to show you something.
I really just want to go to bed.
Oh, come on.
It'll only take a minute.
[sighs] Fine.
I know how much you like Michael Jordan.
I don't just like him.
I love him.
Well, here he is, missing about a bazillion shots in a row.
I get it, okay? This is Laker country.
Sorry, but I'm not in the mood to talk about how overrated Michael Jordan is right now.
Overrated? Last season, he scored 33.
6 points per game and shot 52% from the field.
Then why are you showing me this? 'Cause that also means he missed 48% of his shots.
That's almost half.
In a single season, the greatest basketball player on the planet missed 1,036 shots.
We all miss shots, Alex.
And great ones keep shooting.
So Justin told you about the dance, huh? Yep.
[doorbell rings] I need your help.
Oh, my God, that's the worst thing I've ever tasted.
Yep, your mom made it.
Pretty sure she substituted salt for sugar again.
I think I'm having a nervous breakdown.
You look like you're having a nervous breakdown.
All my life, I've been able to look into the future and figure out what people need.
Now it's like that well's dried up.
Well, if the strategy isn't working, sometimes it helps to do the exact opposite.
The opposite of looking into the future is looking into the past.
Not exactly a great strategy for an inventor.
Oh, God, please take this away from me.
Oh, Alex.
You just need to get back in touch with that kid I met 25 years ago.
That kid was gonna change the world.
That kid does not exist anymore.
That kid was killed by adulthood.
Ah, shoot.
Could you get that? Bending isn't so easy for me these days.
No problem.
You dropped that fork on purpose.
Yep.
So it isn't the world-changing idea that I was searching for.
But it did give me what I needed.
A new beginning.
There was no new beginning for me and Nori.
But you know how I said that our lives are defined by how we choose to deal with bad stuff? Well, the way I dealt with Nori after the mint disaster was simple.
Totally avoided her.
But here's the thing about new beginnings.
They don't always start on page one.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
But you know what? You can keep the mint.
Believe it or not, one of those things cost me the love of my life 50 years ago.
Alex? Eleanor.
[The La's "There She Goes"] Nori.
Turns out Nori owns the place.
She bought the diner a couple of years ago after her husband died.
Pretty crazy that this place has not changed in 50 years.
That's what I love about it.
It's like a time machine.
Which is one of the things I haven't managed to invent.
That, and the non-choking mint.
Too soon.
[laughs] Well, I'm gonna let you get back to it.
And I've gotta get home because I've gotta figure out what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life.
Gosh, it was it was really great seeing you again, Alex.
Ah mm.
[giggles] [The Flaming Lips' "Do You Realize?"] Keep shooting.
Do you realize That you have The most beautiful face? Do you realize Keep shooting.
That's exactly what I intend on doing.
But no player, not even the great Michael Jordan, can win on his own.
[soft knocking] In order to succeed Do you realize you need great teammates.
Hey, Dad.
[giggling] Hi! Welcome! You like the new house?