Melissa & Joey s01e14 Episode Script

Don't Train on My Parade

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
- Hey, Burke— - ( Grunting ) Are you working out or giving birth to an armchair? You know, from where I'm sitting I could punch you so hard it would change your voice.
So tell me, how did this happen? Did you lose a bet? Oh, very funny.
No.
I lost my breath.
The elevators were out at work and I had to take the stairs.
And by the third flight I was gasping for air.
- The third flight? - Well, almost the fourth.
Anyway, the 5K run for the schools that I stupidly signed up for is around the corner and then it hit me.
That you're actually going to have to, you know, run? No.
I gotta stop signing up for stuff.
But it's too late for that.
You know the first thing to go when you're a busy single woman raising your convicted sister's teenagers— your workout.
Mel, please, before the kids and the council thing, your idea of a workout was dancing drunk till dawn.
Yep.
And with the right trainer I can regain that kind of endurance.
All right, so when do you want to do this? You want to train in the morning before you go to work? Uh, how about when you're not around? Oh, did you think when I said a trainer that I meant you? Well, yeah.
I mean, who else? Short answer? Anybody else.
- ( Doorbell rings ) - Ooh, that's my trainer! - You want me to— okay okay.
- ( Clears throat ) Why are you working out before your trainer comes over? It's like cleaning the house before the cleaning lady comes or washing the dishes before you put them in the dishwasher.
Yeah, or other things that you never do.
Yeah? Hi.
Hello.
I'm Lindsay Gates looking for Mel Burke.
- You found her.
- It is you! I don't want to sound too nerdy, but I watch all the City Council hearings.
Aw, a public access fan that doesn't wear a tinfoil hat.
I feel like I'm training a celebrity.
Oh please, I'm just another out-of-shape councilperson— the youngest out-of-shape councilperson in the City's history, by the way.
Well, this is definitely not going to be about weight loss, because you look great.
Oh, shut up.
I do not.
I love you! You're like my— you're my new best friend.
You ladies can feel free to use my weight bench out in the garage if you need it.
I don't believe in weights.
The body is its own gym.
Okay.
Well, plus you save on membership fees too, so that's kind of cool.
This is Joe Longo.
He takes care of the kids.
How? By bench-pressing them? ( Laughing ) N-no.
- Although I could.
- Hmm.
Honey, don't worry.
We are not doing that to you.
I'm sorry.
I thought you were here to get her in shape.
The shape of a real person, not an action figure.
- Now let's get going.
- Okay.
- She's great, isn't she? - Grating? Yes, she is.
Hulk mad.
Smash many walls.
( Laughs ) I guess you're stuck with me.
Wow, three sessions deep and I feel better, stronger.
A new me— gluteus fabulous.
That's the endorphin rush, another benefit of exercise.
Who knew a legal high could feel so good? I mean except for the pleasure of getting straight as in high school.
Oh yeah, I love that story.
Did you get a chance to try the pomegranate juice - with vodka? - I'm a believer.
Now I can get my drink on and get my antioxidants, thank you.
Hey, anything for my favorite client.
Okay, bliss sisters, I'm going to go grab a few minutes on the bench if you're all through with your lady workout.
You do any elongating for those muscles? Who's asking? I was just thinking you could benefit from yoga or pilates to give you some flexibility instead of this Popeye thing you got going.
( Laughing ) Popeye.
I never thought of that one.
Well, I never said it out loud.
Listen, as much as I appreciate your unsolicited meddling, which really isn't a lot, let me just say that ( Imitates Popeye, laughs ) I am what I am.
He's just a little sensitive, you know? - So you might want to— - Sure, I'll go easy on him.
No no no.
I was going to say "tear him a new can of spinach.
" ( Sighs ) Okay, was that a you-want-to-talk sigh or a stay-out- of-my-business sigh? I'm okay, just listening to some music.
Oh.
"Songs that make me feel alive, from Beckett.
" "Songs that make me cry, from Beckett.
" "Songs from Beckett, from Beckett.
" - Who are these from? - Beckett.
- Oh.
- We were such good friends.
This was that cute geeky guy, right, who had a crush on you? Yes, that's him.
He's seeing Alexis Swenton now and he's off-limits and I lost a friend.
It's not like I want to be his girlfriend or anything, but I miss hanging out with him.
Okay, so you want the friendship back? Yes.
Can that work? Can you be friends with a guy who has a girlfriend? Sure.
Boys just need instructions.
You gotta tell them what you want and define the boundaries.
Oh, and wear baggy clothes.
- Beckett.
- Hey, Lennox.
Long time no friend.
Yeah.
- Is it all right if I come in? - Yeah yeah.
That's kind of why I asked you over.
Just making sure.
Didn't want to push things.
So I burned you a new mix CD.
"Songs of friendship only, from Beckett.
" Nice.
And a bunch of graphic novels where the hero does not get the girl.
- You follow instructions well.
- It was all in your text.
I even printed out a copy for reference.
Wow, you laminated it.
Of course.
It's important.
- Put that down.
- Oh.
So, what have you been up to, my good friend? Oh, I brought you this flyer.
They're doing a whole week of French films at the museum.
Oh, are you guys going? and French people and anything where mimes could suddenly appear.
But maybe we could go.
- As friends, right? - Right.
Because some things you do with your girlfriend and— some things you do with your friend friend.
Not that there's anything wrong with your girlfriend.
No.
Alexis is great.
She is great.
Great great.
The best part of Josh moving out is I have a lot more closet space and a lot less cheating on me.
You can laugh, but you have to hold the pose.
Okay, I'm holding the pose and I'm holding in my pee.
That's a good exercise too.
Oh wow, you're working every muscle I've got.
Mel, hey, I'm sorry to bother you, but your phone's been ringing off the hook.
And I know I'm forbidden to answer it, but then this text came in that said "unbelievably important.
" Oh my God, I missed four calls.
Why didn't you tell me sooner? Because I didn't get sick of "hey ya" until the fourth one.
They moved up my budget hearing.
I'm sorry, Linds.
I gotta go.
You still have 15 minutes.
You know what? My gift to you, Joe— You two play nice.
Whoa, wait, M-Mel.
Actually— yo, Mel? ( Stuttering ) That's— I'm really— Well, I'd be very happy to show you something, but I don't think it would do any good.
You really think I could benefit from your little girlie stretches? Give it a try.
Unless you think it's something you can't do.
Crouch down like that with both arms out? Whew, that's gonna be tough.
Where'd you learn this, huh? The back of a granola box? Where does all this anger come from? Did you get it with the muscles? Maybe it comes from the fact I've been working out since the second grade.
Now I have a know-it-all in tights telling me what's going on.
Well, if you can't do it, you can't do it.
( Snorts ) Oh please.
( Clears throat ) - Straight here.
- Okay.
- Point this way.
- Yep.
- Tighten the stomach.
- Yo.
- Lift the ribcage.
- All right.
- Now breathe.
- ( Snorts ) You don't like when women tell you what to do, do you? You haven't talked to a real man in a while, have you? - Is that what you are? A real man? - Yeah.
- You want to find out? - So bad.
Cell phone, cell phone.
Where's my cell phone? Oh right.
Those are not approved stretching exercises.
Longo takes the ball across mid-court.
He's got two seconds left.
He shoots, he slams! Whoo! Nothing but couch.
Look at you cleaning the house.
Well, it is part of my job description.
I am, after all, the nanny.
( Gasps ) You hate that word.
Every time I use it, you make me put a dollar in the swear jar.
Well, let's just say I had a good morning.
Yeah, about your good morning, ahem, I may have seen just a small piece of how good it was.
What was that now? Yeah, I left my cell phone in the garage and when I went in there to get it, there you were with Lindsay, all pretzeled up on my yoga mat.
I got out of there as fast as I could, but the image of your sweaty workout has burned into my retinas and it won't go away! - Whoops.
- Whoops? That's it? That's all you have to say? Nothing more? Not, oh I don't know, "I apologize, that was horribly inappropriate"? You're the one that gave me the last - You practically threw her at me.
- I threw her? What was this, a human ring toss? You know what? Actually I do owe you an apology.
I was wrong.
She is— she is one hell of a trainer.
Okay, all right, okay.
You had a momentary fling with my trainer.
You're a guy.
You have no restraints.
So we'll just forget this ever happened and never mention it again.
No, huh-uh.
Lindsay and I really hit it off - Twice.
- Ugh, gross! As a matter of fact, tonight we're going out to dinner and tomorrow night she's taking me to one of her favorite clubs.
Wait, are you implying that a relationship is starting? - Yeppers, I think I am.
- I didn't say that was okay.
I didn't realize I needed your permission for this.
What should I do? Come down to City Hall tomorrow and apply for, like, a sex permit? No.
No, but we do have leash laws, you hound.
Look, Lindsay's my trainer.
You're my nanny.
It's like I'm paying people to sleep with each other.
What does that make me? Best boss ever! Come on, look, you keep doing what you're doing with her and I'll keep doing what I'm doing with her.
And as long as we keep that separate, everything will be cool.
Unless you don't think that you can handle that.
Please, I'm an adult.
You're an aspiring adult.
We could be adult about this.
We'll just keep our business separate and be respectful of each other.
Deal.
Wow, that's one heck of a grip.
A benefit of Lindsay's training.
You sure it's not just a deep reservoir of anger? - ( Chuckles ) Just shake my hand.
- Okay.
( Music playing ) That song is sick.
Where do you find these bands? Gunter— my online chess partner in Berlin.
I have to tell you, Alexis is not a fan of this song at all.
But she's your girlfriend and you really like her.
I do.
I do.
The sound design on this next song is groundbreaking.
You're gonna love it.
Um you want a soda? Yeah, me too.
I'll be right back.
Hey, new yoga mat? Brand new, never been used in any way.
So listen, Aunt Mel, this whole Beckett-friend thing isn't really working out.
Every time he talks about how his lame girlfriend doesn't appreciate him, I just want to put my arms around him.
Well sure, you want to comfort a friend.
I want to kiss him, like a lot.
What is going on in this house? It's like the whole place is in heat.
Okay, you are only attracted to him because he is tragically taken and unhappy.
Why did you push me into this? Why does everyone think I'm pushing? You people have problems.
I'm trying to help.
Okay look, you wanted to be his friend, right? Right.
Yeah, I just gotta stay focused.
- Friendship.
- Good girl.
Stay strong.
Hey, and don't look in his eyes and don't sniff his shirt.
- Ryder? - Morning, Aunt Mel.
There's fresh coffee if you want it.
It's fresh.
- You don't drink coffee.
- Mm, I did today.
Wide awake.
Mountain grown.
What are you doing up so early? The J.
V.
Cheerleaders are having their try-outs and a few of us are going to go over and you know.
- Watch girls kick and bend? - Basically.
Great, so the hormone fairy got you too.
- Oh, hey, everybody.
- Whoa, what happened to you? I was out late last night.
Didn't get much sleep.
( Chuckles ) What are you doing up this early? I thought you were allergic to dawn.
Well, I have my practice She should be here any minute.
- Morning.
- Or sooner.
Hey, I'm going to make omelets.
What do you want in yours? - Mm, coffee.
- Coffee.
You know, I think she may have slept over.
Really? Get out of here.
I'm glad I don't have to be anywhere this morning.
Um, actually you were supposed to be someplace.
- Really? - Yeah, here.
You know, our run at 7:30 sharp? Oh yeah.
Sorry.
There's no need to apologize, Linds.
It's only 7:29.
Actually you're early.
You drink your coffee.
We'll get some breakfast and you'll be good to go.
- Isn't that right? - Yeah sure.
What a great morning, huh? I'm making breakfast, Lindsay's already here and as soon as you pull that stick out of your butt, you'll be going for a nice run.
I'm sorry I got mad back there, Linds.
You know, I'm really counting on this run today and I appreciate you getting yourself together for me.
Lindsay, you gotta pull back now.
( Snoring ) Oh, this is working out perfect.
Thank you so much.
I had quite a workout there, draping a blanket over my unconscious trainer.
Look, it's my fault she was out so late, so don't be mad at her.
- Just be mad at me.
- Done.
One error in judgment— mine— shouldn't destroy your whole friendship with Lindsay, all right? She's a great girl and a phenomenal trainer.
I mean, she has flexibility, Mel, like I have never— Okay okay, stop right there.
Okay, I forgive Lindsay and you, eventually, but you need to be aware of what I'm doing with Lindsay.
And you need to be aware of what I'm doing with Li— No no no, stop stop! The image is coming back.
Look, I mean clearly we need to be more serious about how we schedule these things because just being respectful of each other is not working out.
So how about this? You set all of your workout times and then Linds and I will plan our dates around that? - This way nobody gets hurt.
- Fine.
Tomorrow is Sunday and we're not working out.
And tonight I have my big Town Hall meeting, so the kids will be at their party and you guys can have the house to yourselves.
Just do whatever you want.
I just don't want to hear about it and I definitely don't want to see it.
Deal.
Ooh, you really are getting stronger.
No, this time it's really anger.
( Sports on TV ) Ugh, football.
Do you ever watch football? - ( TV turns off ) - Only ironically.
But you know who really likes football? - Alexis? - Yeah.
Lennox, if I were to, let's say hypothetically, break up with Alexis, do you think that you might hypothetically want to go out with me? What? I mean, if you were willing to commit, I'd drop Alexis in a nanosecond.
- It's a very small unit of time— - No, Beckett, I know.
Wow, this is very flattering.
So you're good to go? You'll be my girlfriend? - I'll call her right now.
- Okay, wait.
So if I agreed to go out with you, you'll dump Alexis.
But if I say no, you'll stay with her? Well yeah.
It's simple Economics.
A guy doesn't quit a job till he's got another one lined up and I don't want to go back to being self-employed.
Okay, but if we're dating and you find another girl - who's even hotter, will you dump me? - Of course not.
Wait, how hot are we talking? Stacy Glassgold? - Beckett, what has happened to you? - I don't know! You know, I never had a girlfriend till a month ago.
And now I see all these possibilities and it's very overwhelming.
Well, let's make this simpler for you.
You now have one less possibility.
Oh.
So we're back to being friends? Uh-huh.
With no chance of it turning into anything else? No chance.
So no hard feelings then if I take off and go see Alexis? Yeah fine, go.
Go see Alexis.
Go see Stacy, because according to you, all girls are interchangeable.
There's no difference at all.
Ugh, what was I thinking? I miss him already.
Please don't be doing it.
Please don't be doing it.
Please don't be doing it.
I'll just grab another bottle of wine, all right? What— what the hell are you doing here? What happened to the house is all mine tonight? It is, it is.
I'm just going to sneak upstairs and put on my sex-canceling headphones.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Get down here.
You told me you were going to be at City Hall all night tonight.
There was a bomb scare.
What was I supposed to do? I don't know.
Stay there? Take one for the team? Mel! What a nice surprise.
Yeah, I'm a quiet invisible surprise.
I'm just going to grab this delicious container of, uh, brown food meat and go upstairs and eat it all by myself in my room.
- Nice.
Bon appetit.
- No.
Joe, go get another plate for Mel.
- I'm going to bring our wineglasses in.
- ( Laughs ) All right, Linds.
Take your nondescript leftovers and get upstairs right now.
- But Lindsay invited me to dinner.
- Well, I'm uninviting you.
Look, something kind of special is starting to happen here, all right? I think she is becoming my girlfriend.
And I don't normally pull rank here, - but girlfriend trumps trainer.
- Oh really? I didn't know we were playing "rock paper scissors girlfriend trainer.
" All right, you're right.
I guess I can find a new trainer much much easier than you can find a new girlfriend.
You really could have just stopped at "you're right.
" - Just let me tell her, okay? - Fine, all right.
I'm going to go grab another bottle of wine.
I'll be right back.
Hey, Lindsay, sit down.
Let's talk for a second.
Um I'm not going to be able to train with you anymore.
- Why? - Because it's just messy with the three of us.
And what you and Joe have is more important, you know? You guys have a real relationship.
- No, we don't.
- Say what? I wouldn't call it a relationship.
I'd call it a great way to burn calories.
Oh, so that's all Joe is to you— just cardio? There's some strength training in there too.
You thought I was serious about Joe? No way.
Oh, so this was always about the sex? Not just sex— great sex.
And just between us, I'm getting back with Josh.
Cheater Josh? Yeah, he begged me to come back.
And Joe— he's my secret revenge that no one has to know about.
- So where does this leave Joe? - Right here.
You know, Linds, I was saving this bottle of wine for a special occasion.
I thought tonight might be it— a special night, a special lady.
But you know what? I'm going to save this.
Guys, I had a big lunch, so I should just head home.
So tomorrow at 7:00 as usual? Nah.
You know, I— I think I'm going to give a new trainer a try.
You know, a local guy.
Mm, this ziti is really great.
- She is missing something.
- She sure is.
I thought you were saving that bottle for someone special.
Yeah well, you know, I don't— I don't want to go all the way up and down the stairs again.
Mm, you're a true romantic.
I am.
- Eight.
- Mm-hmm.
- Both: Nine.
- Good.
- Both: 10.
- Nice.
( Bell dings ) Ok.
Look, that's the stew, all right? You keep going.
I'm going to go check it and be right back.
Let's go.
- Both: 11.
- Right.
- Both: 12.
- 13.
- 13.
- Keep going, keep going! - 20.
- Five.
- 15.
- 10.
- Mel! - 21, 22