Melissa & Joey s01e16 Episode Script

Joe Versus the Reunion

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Wow, Joe, you were the pledge master of your college fraternity - and captain of your rowing team? - And the wrestling team.
But really, they're just titles, guys.
Titles are meaningless unless you're the president.
Turn the page.
( Clears throat ) Wow, president of the student body.
- Look at that long wavy hair.
- And that mustache.
Very Ned Flanders.
Yeah, we had a mustache-growing contest.
Clearly there were no winners.
This is me singing in that rockappella group that I began.
- It's called the Treblemakers.
- See, Joe? This is a much better way to relive your college years.
Going to that reunion would have just been asking for treble.
- Who says I'm not going? - Well, I mean come on.
You had a rough year.
- The scandal.
- The divorce.
The bankruptcy.
Yeah, I mean the highlight of your year was getting a job as a nanny.
Thank you for all the sunshine, everybody.
But I'm going, all right? I was Joe Longo then and I'm Joe Longo now.
My self-esteem does not depend on what my former classmates think, all right? I am walking in there with my head held high.
You found a hot date, didn't you? Burned my tongue, yeah.
Singed my eyebrows.
That's not the reason why I'm going.
- But it helps.
- Immeasurably.
- it's all good - all good - it's okay - okay - it's all right - all right as far as I can see - it's all good - all good - it's okay - okay - it's all right - all right I guess you're stuck with me.
Tomorrow night the mayor wants you to have drinks with Gustavo Carvalho, you know, the Brazilian artist who drapes buildings in tinfoil? What? "The power of my art is its intentional randomness.
" It's big stuff wrapped in foil, dude.
Get a life.
His installation in Chicago brought in 500,000 tourists.
Like I said, the man's a genius.
Well, the mayor wants me to wine and dine Gustavo.
I'll just have to go and flirt and toss my hair.
Oh, I'm such a floozy for Toledo.
Don't you women understand that agreeing to a date is like a contract? You can't just cancel the date before the event because your mother suddenly needs platelets.
Your date canceled? ( Giggles ) How horrible.
Whatever will you do? Come on, you can't find another flashy, large-breasted TV weathergirl? Or as I like to call them-- cumulobimbus? Donna is a meteorologist.
Yeah, you're thinking with your barometer.
She's Ivy-league educated, all right? She is smart, charming, funny, double-jointed-- everything you want when you go to a reunion, and now she's gone.
Look, now you have a good excuse not to go.
If I don't show up, he's right.
He wins and he gets the last laugh, okay? Oh, I hate when he has the last laugh.
- Who he? - Kyle Cookler.
We competed for everything in school and I always won.
On the last day of school he comes up to me and he says, "Joe Longo, one day I will be top dog and that will be the worst day of your life.
" Well, how do you know he's on top? I mean maybe he's a nanny somewhere.
- Not that that's a bad thing.
- Absolutely.
Yeah? Well, here's the latest issue of "not a nanny" magazine.
Look at this-- six-page spread on his amazing life.
His Fifth Avenue penthouse.
The focus is mainly on the dog's rooms here, but look, it mentions Cookler's yacht, his beauty queen physicist wife.
See, I need somebody like that-- looks and brains.
All right, fine fine.
Stop begging.
I will go with you.
I don't want you to go with me.
Hmm, yeah, you do.
I'm sorry, let me rephrase that.
I don't want you to go with me.
Joe's got his reunion and I've got my dinner thingy.
We're both gonna be late, so I want you to babysit each other.
Do you think you can handle that? - Don't play with matches.
- Don't order naked movies.
- We're good.
- All right, now here's $20 each for food.
No friends over and stay out of trouble or I will come to your school and kiss you at lunch.
All right, are you thinking what I'm thinking? How to order naked movies with cash? No, perv.
Okay, I'll give you a hint.
What comes before part b? Part-ay! Let's throw one.
We have 40 bucks and no adults.
Why do you want to have a party? Okay fine, I'll say it in dork-- because the adults are not here.
We have a responsibility to be irresponsible.
That's a lot of pressure.
Cool, so we'll invite the drama kids, the blog squad, the girl who got struck by lightning-- everybody's who's interesting Plus you.
- A couple of cheerleaders? - No.
- One cheerleader.
- Fine.
For diversity.
( Jazz music playing ) All right, remember, you're my backup girl, okay? Don't leave me alone with the master of tinfoil.
We'll be out of here as soon as we can convince him how great the Toledo courthouse would look as a giant ding dong.
- Hi.
Excuse me, are you ladies-- - Thirsty.
Good call.
I would like a dirty martini, extra olives, and my friend here will have a vodka tonic.
Please don't card her.
She's an adult even though she buys her clothes at build-a-bear.
I like their shoes.
We're waiting for the rest of our party to arrive-- Gustavo Carvalho, the avant-garde artist.
More like con artist.
I mean he wraps buildings in tinfoil, I assume to lock in the flavor.
Crazy world.
Someone could splash paint - on a toilet seat and call it art.
- Exactly.
And people pay for that crap.
( Laughing ) You're Gustavo Carvalho, aren't you? - How awkward for you.
- Wow.
Well, the good news is my tube top falling down during the electric slide at my sweet 16 is no longer the most humiliating moment of my life.
It's okay.
Sometimes even I don't understand my art.
One thing I do understand though is the effect a beautiful woman has on me.
Oh go on.
So that's one dirty martini, extra olives, for the lovely councilwoman and-- please, tell me again what you're having.
A lovely cab ride home.
Yeah, she was just leaving.
- Okay.
- I thought I was your backup girl.
You were.
Now back up, girl, right out the door.
Yeah, I can handle this.
So, um, you ever foil wrapped a city official? ( Dance music playing ) - Joe Longo.
- Joe Longo? - You showed up! - Both: Aw! That is so brave.
- We heard about-- - Everything.
- It was so awful.
- But you're still standing.
Actually, ladies, I'm doing all right.
Yeah, sure you are.
You just keep repeating that, honey.
Hey, Joe Longo showed up.
What's going on, man? - Longo! - Jamie.
- Oh my God, what happened? - Oh, it's no big deal.
I mean nothing compared to what happened to you, man.
- That's a tough break.
- Thank you.
I appreciate all of your pity.
He showed up.
I think you owe me a little something something.
( Loud dance music playing ) - ( Music stops ) - Let me just say what everyone here is thinking-- - this party sucks.
- Chillax, it's still early.
The interesting people come fashionably late.
That's why they're interesting.
( Doorbell rings ) All right, there you go.
Party officially on.
Come on, put on your party face.
Six extra-large pizzas.
That'll be $40.
- What's going on here? - We're having a party.
Yeah, it's the rager.
You came at the right time.
You can avoid the line to the bathroom.
Anyway, thanks for the pizza.
And thanks for not tipping.
All that extra money would have just weighed me down.
You're snarky.
I like snarky.
- You wanna stay for the party? - Sure.
I guess I can stay until the cops break this thing up.
- Got anything to eat? - Uh, pizza.
Oh, pizza.
That'll be different.
Well, excuse me while I go flirt with the girls who aren't here.
Sure, that'll be different.
You left Facebook, man.
Who does that? I needed some privacy till I got back on my feet.
No offense, Jamie.
Please, I lost the feeling in my legs, not my sense of humor.
Hey, Jamie, did I see you driving up in a Porsche Carrera? Oh yeah-- Six cylinders, bose surround, cherry wood hand controls.
I'm telling you, the thing is a chick magnet.
Plus I get to park anywhere I want.
Bam! Hey, Joe, you still driving that Porsche of yours? - No-- - Look, would you give the poor son of a bitch a break? He's been through a lot.
I didn't ask what happened to all the wavy hair.
- Hey, this is a choice.
- Yeah, so is this wheelchair.
Oh my God, guys, Kyle Cookler just called from his helicopter.
He's on his way.
Please please, you don't have to apologize.
I hear comments like that all the time about my work.
What is it? Is it art? Is it a baked potato? Is it a big-ass to-go meal? The world's largest garlic bread? Jiffy pop for giants? I've been saving them up.
I'm flattered you've put so much thought into my work.
Gustavo, you know, I think Toledo would be very lucky to have your next installation.
I think it would be very stimulating.
- Oh? - For the city, not just me.
( Ringing ) Do you have to take that? No, it's just my nanny.
He can leave a message.
- What if it's about your kids? - Nah, I left them home alone.
Yeah, they're fine.
My nanny's at his college reunion.
I know exactly what he's calling to say.
"I'm here having the time of my life.
You were wrong, I was right.
" You were right, I was wrong.
I know I don't say that very often, Mel.
All right, I've never said that, but what can I say? I am literally having the worst night of my life.
The only good news is there's an open bar here.
Anyway, I'm not running away.
I am going down swiggin'.
I mean-- I mean swingin'.
Aw hell, I mean swiggin'.
The mayor says he'll give you the key to the city.
Well, it's not really a key.
It's a magnetic swipey thing, but it'll give you 10% off anything at the children's museum.
Mel, please listen to that message.
That blinking light is quite insistent.
I'm sorry, it's just-- You were right, I was wrong.
I know I don't say that very often, Mel.
All right, I've never said that, but what can I say? I am literally having the worst night of my life.
Isabel? Isabel Ryan.
Oh my God.
Joe Longo? - Hey.
- Hi.
Wow, you are not fat and old like half these people.
And you haven't changed a bit.
You look great.
You look amazing.
Thank you.
So do you.
- What have you been up to? - Yeah, like you don't know.
Oh, you don't know? Um, well, let's just say I'm sort of in a post-awesome phase.
Well, you and me both.
So let's see, last time I talked to you you were gonna get married to Steve, right? Then you were gonna head to New York to become an actress.
( Laughs ) Was that me? Okay well, Steve is now happily married to Eric.
- And you know that musical "Legally Blonde"? - Yeah.
I did 500 performances as left mezzanine Usher.
But you know what? Life happens, right? You pick yourself up, you pick on your lipstick and you go to your reunion.
I did that too.
Not the lipstick part though.
I've had a few career setbacks myself as of late and currently I'm working as a-- well, as a nanny.
Nanny! Beige minivan! Receptionist at my brother's law firm and I take the bus! - ( Chuckles ) - How come you and I never went out? Because you always had a girlfriend, sometimes more than one.
Not that guy anymore.
He was something though, huh? Do you want to find a table away from all these annoying successful people? I'd love to.
Just let me make a quick phone call.
- Okay.
- All right.
This is Mel.
Leave a message.
( Rings ) Hello, Joe? Steph, hey look, I left Mel a message earlier and I told her I was having a terrible time here.
But my night is sort of turning around a little bit and I may be home late, so can you just tell her that I-- ( chanting ) Chug chug chug chug Joe? Joe? What's that? What's terrible? I can't hear you.
Just tell her to disregard the previous message, okay? ( Men chanting ) Chug chug chug chug Stephanie? Can you hear me? Stephanie, hello? Stephanie-- is that your girlfriend? No no, I do not have a girlfriend.
I'm Joe Longo's girlfriend.
I need to get in there.
- I don't think you're on the list.
- What's your name? Um, Sayid Alfabi.
- You look different.
- Some of us work out.
- Two more coming up, all right? - Yeah.
- Mel.
- Joe! Darling, it's me, your beautiful, smart and successful girlfriend.
( Dance music playing ) What the hell are you doing here? Joe, sweetheart, I missed you.
Look, I got your message.
It sounded like you were having a terrible time.
So come on, show me off.
- I so wanna meet all of my boyfriend's classmates.
- Mel! Oh, is this one of them? Hi.
Hey, how are you? I'm Mel Burke, city councilperson, but also, you know, Joe's girlfriend.
- No, she is not my girlfriend.
- All right, fine.
I have to be honest, I'm not his girlfriend.
- I'm his fiancée.
- What are you doing? I just can't get used to saying it out loud.
- ( Squeals ) - Not that guy anymore, huh? - You haven't changed at all.
- Wait-- wait a minute.
Nice meeting you.
Great shoes.
See you at the wedding.
Ooh, who's that? She's pretty cute.
Yeah, somebody really great that I was just reconnecting with until the love of my life showed up-- my fake freaking fiancée.
Okay, all right.
Not to worry.
I'm great with people.
I will just go over there and talk to her.
And I will straighten this out in a jiff, which is shorter than a jiffy.
That's how good I am.
Hi, Isabel.
Sorry, I-- funny story, I hope.
I'm not actually Joe's girlfriend or his fiancée.
He works for me and I thought if I came down here and told people we were a couple that-- look the point is Joe's a great guy, you know? He's handsome and smart and funny and he's gonna make some lucky lady very happy.
You know, that kiss back there was awfully convincing.
What that? That kiss.
No no no no no.
That was our first and last, okay? And right after we're done talking, I'm gonna go Purell my lips.
Come on, you two obviously hit it off.
Well, we were sort of clicking.
Go, click some more.
Click your asses off.
Uh, hi.
- Do you want to dance? - I thought you'd never ask.
So you have a pretty nice boss.
Oh, she's not my boss.
Technically she's my friend.
Actually I'm really more freelance.
And I'm sorry that I doubted you.
I just remembered the old Joe Longo, the one who had girls fighting over him.
That guy is not me.
That guy is long gone.
Get out of my way! Out of my way! - I'm Mrs.
Joe Longo! - ( Music stops ) Joe, honey, it's me, your wife from our marriage.
- Stephanie.
- Stephanie.
- Don't worry, baby.
Mama's here.
- I-- And to think I almost missed this.
Well, wasn't that epic? We had more pizzas than people.
That was not my fault.
I tweeted a great invite.
Look, it was witty and clever.
Nobody came because they didn't know when to show up.
You put the party time as question mark to question mark.
No, that is not why-- oh yeah.
Well, why didn't you proofread this before? You don't proofread a tweet.
It's 140 characters.
How do you screw that up? Well, I guess we'd better clean up.
No one was here to make a mess.
We're a disappointment to teenagers everywhere.
All right, I sent Stephanie home.
That girl seriously needs to get a life.
Always trying to save the day, come to the rescue.
What? Okay, I know I can be overprotective and overinvolved and overdramatic, but that's only because I over-care.
Well, you need to get over yourself.
- I can take care of me.
- Oh? Did you get Isabel to give you her number? No.
After Stephanie's one-woman show, I never saw her again.
Well then, I think you're gonna be very happy about this.
- Buy 10 fro-yos, get the 11th free? - Whoops, wrong card.
- Isabel Ryan? Is this her phone number? - Yes, sir.
I don't mess everything up.
I ran into her in the parking lot, told her what really happened.
She said a story as lame as that has gotta be true.
Thank you, Burke, for repairing almost all the damage that you did.
You're welcome.
I guess my work here is done.
Joe: Oh great.
Just when my night was looking up, Kyle freakin' Cookler You see that, Mel? A year ago that was my life.
I was that guy.
Yeah well, he's just another tall, rich, extremely handsome loser.
- Come on, let's get out of here.
- No, I can handle it.
Joe Longo, mighty Joe Longo.
Haven't seen you since graduation.
A few things have changed, huh? I read the papers.
Yeah, a lot of things have changed.
- How've you been, Kyle? - ( Ringing ) Oh, can you hold on, Joe? This is business.
You remember that? Yes, Mr.
Drexel? What? Yes, of course.
I can be at the office in the hour.
No, sir, not a problem.
Yes, with the entire cost breakdown, but-- Sure.
No no.
I am not at a party.
I'm on my way, sir.
Look, Joe, I gotta run.
Take care, Kyle.
We'll see you around.
Really? Here? Come on.
Well, it looks like your buddy has quite the life.
Is it terrible I feel so great about that? Not at all.
You know what? I was wrong about reunions.
That right there-- totally worth you coming.
So how did your dinner with the foil guy go? Oh my God.
He's in a taxi out front! - Bye, Gustavo.
- Thank you.
Hey, give me that taxi receipt.
I can deduct it.
Lennox, Ryder, what happened here? Did you guys have a party? You wouldn't believe it if we told you.
We invited everyone from school, but there may have been a little confusion.
The confusion was two people not listening to me.
I'll deal with you two in the morning if you will kindly remind me.
I can't believe it.
They totally just didn't listen to you.
It's so cute.
They're growing up.
- Oh man.
- Whoo, what a night.
Yeah, tell me about it.
By the way, when you went in for that attack kiss of yours, I think you chipped my front tooth.
Well, I didn't expect you to open your mouth.
My jaw was dropping in shock.
God, you really went for it.
I was just trying to sell it.
Yeah well, you were pretty convincing.
I'm a good salesperson.
Next time give me a little warning, okay? What do you mean next time? I don't mean next time, next time.
I mean-- look, just don't do it again.
( Muffled ) Ha, you should be so lucky.