Melissa & Joey s01e26 Episode Script


"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
- "Tickets not available.
" - Refresh.
- "Tickets not available.
" - Refresh! Spitting on my neck is not refreshing.
- "Tickets available.
" - Oh my God.
- You need a gold card.
- Oh my God, I have a gold card.
Um, in my green purse upstairs.
I pay, you run.
Hurry! - Everything okay in here? - Yeah.
Kings of Leon tickets.
- Ooh.
- 80 seconds.
I'm okay! Floor seats, huh? What's the special occasion? Oh, Lennox and I are celebrating.
Friday is the anniversary of my awesomeness.
Does that mean I get Monday off? Oh, this is so much fun-- just like the old days.
Lennox and I used to go to concerts all the time.
We went to Aaron Carter, Shedaisy, 98°.
Ah, yes.
All the legends of the 99¢ bin.
- Is that back when you were fun Aunt Mel? - I'm still fun Aunt Mel.
No, now you're parent-figure Aunt Mel.
Your job is not to be liked-- it's to be respected.
If it's all about respect, then explain to me how come they like you.
'Cause I'm likeable.
Everybody likes me.
No, it's true-- women, men, children Fish.
I'm just, uh, friggin' likeable.
I don't friggin' see it.
All right, here.
Cute purse.
All right.
"To complete your purchase, type this word.
" - Hurry hurry, 10 seconds.
- What do you mean word? I can't read that.
Those letters look drunk.
It's "dildslarv.
" No, I think it's "billsclarf.
" Ladies, clearly it's "pislitz.
" Ah.
"Billsclarf," bitches.
Ah! You did it! Oh, that's great.
I'm gonna go on Facebook and ebrag.
Look at that.
You just bought yourself some love.
Yes I did.
And I got miles.
Hey, Joe, I got back that history paper - you helped me with.
- Don't look at me like that.
I just gave the boy a little guidance.
A "C"? The guy gave us a "C"? Well, how much of this "us" is you? I didn't do his work for him.
I just put the ball on the tee.
Ryder did the swinging.
"You missed the point.
Wrong wrong wrong.
" "Weak argument"? - This bonehead hated everything.
- He liked the margins.
No, that says "marginal understanding of the topic.
" I'm gonna have to speak to this guy.
Clearly the man's an idiot.
- Maybe don't open with that-- - Bup-bup-bup.
I know what I'm doing.
Yeah yeah.
Sending me to Summer school.
- I owe you, buddy.
- Ryder.
Ryder or fish? - it's all good - all good - it's okay - okay - it's all right - all right as far as I can see - it's all good - all good - it's okay - okay - it's all right - all right I guess you're stuck with me.
"American Imperialism.
" It began in the 19th century and it started right here on our own blood-soaked soil.
How did Industrialization suddenly become imperialism? I'd be glad to explain, my ignorant friend.
Me and my guitar.
This was your land until we stole it, you can stay here we'll control it, we'll kill the wildlife and the oceans too but who cares, baby? We're only passing through oh yeah! oh yeah.
As Mr.
Lincoln said-- you're all free now.
Joe-- Joe, what are you doing here? At the moment? Restraining myself.
I'm just here to straighten some things out, Ryder.
No! No no, don't straighten.
Hey, relax, okay? Comrade Birkenstock and I are going to have a very mature, calm conversation.
Let me finish, all right!? The railroads built this damn country, buddy.
If you weren't such a pinhead, you'd know that.
'Cause if it wasn't for the railroads, everything west of the Mississippi would be a big buffalo's bathroom.
Look, I appreciate you getting all red-faced and yelling at me, after all that's why I became a teacher, but let's get down to what's really bothering you.
Everybody likes to think their kid's an "A" student, when the harsh reality is saomewone's gotta flip the burgers.
The harsh reality is this is a college-level "A"-worthy paper.
- That's your opinion.
- That's a matter of fact.
- It might just be wrong.
- Oh, really? Really? So I guess my college history professor was wrong when he gave this paper an "A".
and by the way, read it out loud to the entire class.
in a dream that I once had.
So this isn't all Ryder's work, huh? Heh heh heh, what? No.
That's all Ryder's work.
See, I just put the ball on the tee.
Ryder really did the-- you have a incredible singing voice, do you know that? You might as well be dead until you're 18! There's my happy girl! You know those great tickets you got for me and the great time we were gonna have at the concert? Well, it's gone-- obliterated.
It's the stupid Vortex Club where the concert is.
Kathy Battersby told me it's an 18-and-over club and they're super strict.
That's ridiculous.
I'd never let you drink or anything.
Yeah, Kathy's sister said the same thing when she tried to get Cathy in.
And her sister offered to French the bouncer.
Oh, the old French-the-bouncer trick.
I almost-- forgot the pathetic length some girls will go to.
Look, don't worry, Lennox.
We are going to that concert, you and me and our old friend body glitter.
All the glitter in the world can't fix this.
You don't mean that.
- Hey.
- Hey, it's late.
Where you guys been? Joe went down to try and get my teacher to change my grade.
And he did.
It went from a "C" all the way up to an "F.
" It's not a permanent "F", all right? His teacher just wants him to tweak his paper a little bit.
Pffft, yeah, with a different subject and all new words and on a Saturday in front of Mr.
McKay so he knows no one's putting it on the tee for me.
I'm gonna make this right, buddy! Yeah, why quit when you can make it worse? Aunt Mel, Cathy's sister wants to buy our concert tickets since we can't use them.
What?! There's no reason to sell them.
It's an 18-and-over club and I'm not 18 Or over.
Okay, don't do anything.
No one has to French anyone yet.
I'll keep my tongue in its holster.
Mel, will you stop trying so hard to be liked? Yeah, but she's so disappointed.
Too bad.
There's nothing you can do to make Lennox 18.
One fake I.
, please.
Is that Mel Burke? Wally the fake I.
Guy! I'm so glad to see you're still alive.
I'm mean free-- I mean here.
What I'm trying to say is I'm really glad you're out of that coma.
- Did you get my card? - I bet I did.
This is my niece Lennox.
She's here for her first fake I.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Does she need a medical marijuana card too? I might have a touch of the glaucoma.
Okay, we're gonna let that clear up on its own.
So just the I.
Lennox, you are in the presence of a true artist.
All right, sweetheart, how old do you want to be? - 21? - Sure, 18 it is.
I'd buy that.
Hey, grab a brownie while you wait.
No! No baked goods.
This is great.
My aunt's buying me a fake I.
You know what's even greater? That right after the concert, you're gonna give it back to me.
That's okay.
I'm still gonna tell everyone what a great aunt I have.
Oh, you should totally do that! And you know who would be great not to tell? Joe.
Up high, sister friend.
Is that Mel Burke? Yeah, I know, coach, rules are rules.
- I understand.
- What's up, buddy? More great news.
Because of my "F"-- No, wait.
Sorry, your "F"-- I don't want to steal credit.
I'm officially benched from the soccer team.
What?! Dude, that is it.
I am gonna go down there-- And what? Punch Mr.
McKay until he gives me an "A"? Hopefully it won't come to that.
I've got a lot of different speeds, all right? I'm a businessman.
I know how to get through to people.
Oh yeah, 'cause you're known for your delicate touch.
We're gonna come up with something good here and I promise I'm not going to do anything unless you're okay with it.
- I'm not okay with it! - Think about it.
You'll come around.
- Have you seen my research notes? - Those aren't them? No, these are Kings of Leon tickets.
Oh yeah.
Which your Aunt Mel and Lennox can't use anymore because Lennox is not 18.
- That's a shame.
- Yeah.
What are we gonna do with these tickets now just sitting here, taking up empty space? Maybe I'll just recycle them.
This your I.
young miss? What year were you born? - Um - No, out you go, girlie! No concert for you.
- But-- - No no no, there's no room for buts.
You need to know this stuff cold.
If a bouncer senses hesitation, he will strike like a bear at an underage salmon.
All right, what school do you go to? Grant hi-Ohio state.
Mm, nice save.
- Let's work on the walk.
- The walk? Yes, confidence, swagger, cojones.
Watch me.
- Got it.
- No no, you don't got it.
You don't use your legs.
You walk with your face.
Oh my g-- all these years I've been doing it wrong.
Well, it's too late for me now, girls.
I think I'm just gonna go old school and use me legs.
Where are you headed? Uh, out, you know, to do some stuff.
Innocent stuff.
I can't believe I ran into you here.
Yeah, this is my classroom.
I guess it is, isn't it? So look, um, last time I was here, I may have gotten a little passionate.
I was thinking unstable.
"Unstable"! I like that.
I like that.
The point is you gave Ryder an "F" and because of that he can't play on the soccer team.
Isn't there anything he can do to bring that grade up? I don't know Maybe stop plagiarizing.
That's-- very good solid advice.
I will definitely pass that along.
Oh, and I'll tell him it came from you so that no one's plagiarizing.
You know, there's one thing I don't get.
Are you Ryder's Uncle or guardian or just some guy that gets him in trouble? Mostly the last one.
Look, if you can't change his grade, I completely understand, all right? I'll see you around.
Oh, actually I almost forgot-- on a totally unrelated matter, I happen to have these two floor seats to the sold-out Kings of Leon concert tonight - that unfortunately I can't use.
- I love Kings of Leon.
Yeah, so many people do.
You wouldn't be interested in taking these tickets, would you? - How much you want for 'em? - Are you kidding me? I would never charge Ryder's teacher for these tickets.
On an unrelated matter, I may have been a little too hard on Ryder.
People make mistakes.
- Yo.
- Hey.
How'd it go with Mr.
McKay? I got some bad news, buddy.
I couldn't get your "C" back, so You're just gonna have to settle for a "B+", baby! What? No way.
You know what that means? No make-up paper and you're back on the soccer team.
Who da man? - You da.
- Boom.
Uh, wait a minute, Joe.
You didn't beat him up, did you? What? No.
I used good old-fashioned persuasion.
Exchange of goods and services.
By the way, if he thanks you for a couple of Kings of Leon tickets, just go with it.
- How'd you get those? - They're just the tickets your Aunt Mel and Lennox couldn't use.
But they did use them! They're at the concert right now.
Can't you see the trail of glitter? How? I took them right off the printer.
They thought those got thrown away so they printed a new set.
Which means the tickets you gave my teacher are totally worthless.
Just like my prospects for graduating.
All right, all right, look look look, relax.
As long as we get down there and explain everything to him, it'll be fine.
- There's no reason to panic.
- The show starts in 15 minutes.
Crap, let's move.
I sure as hell don't need to see yours.
- Just this one.
- You couldn't just humor me for a second, pal? - Uh, this is when you show him your I.
- I'm looking.
Yeah, thanks for carding her.
It makes her feel so young.
Found it.
Wait a minute.
We got the same birthday.
March 18th-- Pisces! You don't follow through on projects either.
Enough, let's go.
Let's go.
So do you see your teacher? No, I don't see anyone here who wants to flunk me.
- Too much lip gloss? - Ugh, too much lip gloss? Like there could be such a thing.
Gimme that.
The kids at school are gonna be so jealous when they hear about tonight.
The cops are raiding the place and checking everyone for fake ID's.
A raid? Oh my God.
Don't worry.
Yours was done by a pro.
Wally is a genius.
Wally's on Washington? No.
Why? The cops can spot his ID's from a mile away.
- What? - Okay, don't listen to her.
Wally's work is flawless-sss Although I don't think you weigh 520 lbs.
Oh my God, I'm going to jail and I'm wearing body glitter! They're going to eat me alive.
Snap out of it, okay? You're with your Aunt Mel.
I'm not letting you go down for this.
Come on.
Excuse me.
Okay, shoes off.
Get up on the toilet.
Interlock your arms with mine.
- And crouch.
- Can't we put down the paper seat-cover thingy? No no.
No time, up up.
- All right, okay.
- Here we go.
I once did this for six hours in stilettos for Ace of Base.
It was so worth it.
All right, ladies, let's see your ID's.
This is really good for the glutes.
- All clear.
- Hold on, hold on! I told you to hold on.
Aw, there's pee water on my foot.
Yeah well, you know what? Suck it up.
You're running with the big dogs now.
Come on.
ID's people, come on.
I need your ID's.
Okay, uh Plan "C"! - We're going out the window.
- Are you kidding? - And jump from up here? - Well yeah! Why do you think it wasn't plan "A" or "B"? Come on! - Hey, there he is.
- Oh! - Mr.
- Hey, guys.
Dude, look, we have a slight problem here.
Those tickets that I gave you? They're worthless, man.
But I promise you I am going to make it up to you.
Pfft, it's all good.
I sold them to some other guy.
His problem now.
- You sold the tickets? - He offered me double face value.
- Like I'm gonna say no.
- Yeah, sure, just rip off the little guy.
He got out of a brand-new Mercedes.
Guys like that, they can afford to get ripped off.
It's about the morality of it, dude.
Joe, Joe, let it go.
- No, this is wrong, Ryder.
- That's kind of been the theme here.
I plagiarized, you bribed with stolen tickets.
You know what? This crap is gonna stop right now.
So what's it gonna be, Mr.
teacher? You gonna set an example here? You have a chance to mold a young mind.
Isn't that why you got into teaching? Aw, man! - You're doing the right thing.
- Don't touch me.
Aunt Mel, I'm scared.
It's too far down.
No, look at all those nice fluffy garbage bags down in that dumpster.
Just think of them as big comfy pillows.
- It's trash.
- Okay, big stinky pillows.
Come on, Lennox.
I've done this a million times.
I can't do it.
Okay, fine, don't.
I thought you could roll with your Aunt Mel.
If you can't, whatevs.
It's fine.
- I don't think any less of you-- - God, I can't listen to this.
Lennox? Wow, you were right.
It's really soft and Really gross.
Come on, Aunt Mel.
- Your turn.
- Oh honey, I don't have to jump.
I'm over 30.
I'll meet you out front.
But I'm very proud of you.
Oh-- here are your shoes.
- Ow! - Sorry.
That was strange.
I just saw some girl jump out of that window into that dumpster then run away.
Where the hell are these kids' parents? Hey, that's the guy.
Oh, sir, hi.
Listen, my friend here has something he'd like to tell you.
Yeah, man, those tickets I sold you are no good.
No big.
I sold them to some other sucker.
Who the hell did you sell them to? I paid for these, what do you mean-- - Him.
- Hey you! - Not me, him.
- I want my money! I want 10 pages on the Reformation first thing Monday.
- Monday? - You're dead! Relax, buddy.
I aced my paper on the Reformation in college-- which I'm not going to be showing to you because that would be wrong.
You're gonna love summer school.
- Don't touch me.
- Okay.
- Whew! - Lennox, I feel bad that you didn't get to see the concert.
I got to hear it.
That fire exit has great acoustics.
Yeah, but it's not exactly what I had in mind for our big night out.
You know, dodging the cops, hiding in the toilet, - jumping in the trash.
- Are you kidding?! It was great.
I got to dodge cops, hide in a toilet and jump into trash! Well, when you put it that way, it was pretty fun.
Okay, let's hug later.
- I smell like garbage? - Mmm, and toilet.
Seriously, Aunt Mel, tonight was epic.
For me too.
Wow! Fun Aunt Mel came through.
How'd you get her into the club? Oh please, I know a thing or two.
Well, I wish I had been able to do half as good with Ryder.
Go easy on yourself, Joe.
Not everyone can be-- well, me.
But you know what? Ryder knows you tried your hardest.
And I'm sure he respects you for that.
Screw respect.
I just want to be liked.
- I know, it's nice, isn't it? - Yeah.
But the truth is, well, I wasn't able to get Lennox Backstage.
See? I have my limitations after all.
But, you know, this parenting thing's hard and we're both still learning.
I got it.
Officer! How can I help you? Evening, councilwoman Burke.
We were at a call at the Kings of Leon concert earlier this evening and found a fake I.
out by one of the dumpsters.
Thought you'd want to know that someone's putting your address on their card-- big girl.
I have no idea how this could happen.
No idea.
But that is great police work.
Thank you very much, Officer.
See you at the picnic.
"Lennox Scanlon, "520 lbs.
" That's a lot of niece.
That's how you get her to like you? A fake I.
? I did not do it so she'd like me.
She loves me-- I win! Ha ha! Good night.
So funny story I was **** some laundry down the basement and look what I found in your jeans pocket there, Lennox-- An I.
Belonging to a Teresa Puentes.
And you know what's amazing? Teresa looks exactly like you.
You guys could almost be twins, except, um - Teresa's 24 years old.
- You had a fake I.
?! That says you're 24?! How long have you had this? Since I was 21.
Ha ha, up high, sister friend.
- Why didn't you tell me? - I couldn't.
You were having so much fun showing me the ropes and teaching me how to be you.
Arriba, Teresa.
I'll habla to you later.
Wow, you must be really disappointed right now.
Well yeah.
Disappointed that she doesn't need me.
I mean, this is quality work! Well, at least I was there for her first dumpster jump.
Wait a minute, wait.
Dumpster jump? - You want to elaborate? - It's a dance move.
Yeah, it goes like this.