Melissa & Joey s02e02 Episode Script

If You Can't Stand the Heat

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
- Joe, I got your text.
Is everyone okay? - Yeah, everything's fine.
You 9-1-1'd me.
You do know what that means, right? It means you'll hustle up and get home when I need you.
I was in the middle of a critical budget meeting.
- Your new cabinet doors are here.
- Why didn't you tell me sooner? I would've gotten a police escort! Yippee, cabinets.
What are your clothes doing in the living room? I'm sorry, you're right.
They should really all be in my room.
Oh wait, I don't have one.
Speaking of other ways you personally inconvenience me- - Oh, please do.
- You know I will.
I went down to the drugstore for you today.
Sorry to say, they didn't have your magic lady ointment, but I did get you this.
Curtis Gladwell? - I broke up with him over a year ago.
- I know, I know, but I ran into him today and he asked me if you were still single and I said, you know, "of course she is.
" I'm just looking out for you, Burke.
Wow, Joe, thank you so much for taking a proactive stance in my personal dating life, But, uh, just show me the frickin' cabinets.
All right, fine.
Close your eyes.
Okay, here we go.
Get ready.
Be-frickin'- hold.
Huh? My cabinets! Aren't they great? I hate them.
No no no no no, they're all wrong.
No no no no no no, they're all exactly right.
No, these are not the ones I picked out.
These are- Leo? They're the exact ones you picked out.
You drew little hearts around them.
Yeah, you did.
Look at that.
And you wrote something down here too.
What did you write? "Mr.
And mrs.
Mel cabinets forever.
" It's like my photo on Toledo match-up.
Trust me.
I've seen more disappointed faces than yours.
There's plenty of other choices in here.
I don't believe them.
I don't believe any of them.
All right, look- the bad catalog is gone.
Okay? It'll never hurt anybody ever again.
I tell you what: why don't we just rip these cabinets out, okay? And we can find you a cabinet specialist.
Oh, I know a guy.
I got his card here - Somewhere.
- Great, okay.
You work on that.
Look, the most important thing is that we keep the kitchen on track.
Because the kitchen is king, all right? And nice cabinets? These are the linchpin.
'cause as soon as they're done, then all the kitchen crap comes back into the kitchen, and all the living room crap comes back up from downstairs And you can go back to that lovely basement.
Finally we will be back in our own rooms.
Yeah, not on top of each other anymore.
Yeah, thank God, 'cause the last place on earth I wanna be is on top of you.
That'd be more horrible than those cabinets.
- It's all good - All good - It's okay - Okay - It's all right - All right as far as I can see - It's all good - All good - It's okay - Okay - It's all right - All right I guess you're stuck with me.
Hey, roomie, you look cheery and bright this morning.
So I guess the floor is not hurting your back anymore? No, I actually started using that little massager that you keep by your bed.
Oh? Oh! That is exactly what that's for.
Yeah, well, I feel like I haven't slept in forever.
I mean, Joe gets up at 5:00 A.
And does his 500 push-ups.
I'm sure he doesn't do 500.
Oh, yes he does and he counts them out in Italian.
Don't worry.
You'll have your own room again very soon.
Here, have some coffee.
It's like cheerleaders in your brain.
Chug it, Ryder, I have to get to school early.
I have a stupid meeting with the stupid spirit committee that the stupid vice principal put me on.
Ah, that's a lot of stupid to be in charge of.
This is punishment.
I don't want to serve on some rah-rah student government committee with a bunch of good-looking popular kids.
Wow, I'm sure they're super-stoked about working with you.
For the record, there is nothing wrong with good-looking people in government.
Government can be fiscally sound and adorable.
Eh, it'll be all the usual suspects- You know, the suck-up kids who are Facebook friends with the principal? Look, Lennox, you know how you're always trying to change the world for the better? Well, you know, this committee could be your city bus that pulls your skateboard of self-righteousness through the congested streets of high school apathy.
This is why I have speechwriters.
Hey, Burke, the one-man cabinet SWAT team has arrived.
Come on in here and meet him.
Jules, hey, I want you to meet the lady of the house here and I use the term "House" loosely.
Mel Burke, meet Jules D.
This house is gonna be a beaut.
- It's got great bones.
- He's from New Jersey.
Look, I'm coming off a pretty bad cabinet experience.
I didn't get what I thought I was getting and uh it ended pretty badly.
We don't have to rush into anything here.
We can take it slow.
Yeah, that's fine.
As long as you go slow as quick as you possibly can.
All right, there he is.
Tell him what you want.
Go now.
Uh, well, I'd like something contemporary, but, you know, still classic.
I want the cabinets to look- Don't tell me how they should look.
I want you to tell me how they should make you feel.
How they make me feel? Well, I bet there's an emotional memory, some time you were in a kitchen that spoke to you.
Hey, Mel I really like your cans.
Of soup.
" I'm sorry.
I don't mean to disrespect your whole process.
You know what? I do have a kitchen story, actually.
When I was 16, my parents took me to Paris and we were eating dinner at this bistro.
It used to be a home and still had that feel.
That's what I want.
When I walk in my kitchen, I want to feel like my kitchen is hugging me.
Good luck with that, pal.
Tell you what: I'm gonna leave you two alone.
I have to run down to the hardware store and grab a couple more cans of paint and perhaps a hammer that wants to hug me.
Okay, Mel.
I'm gonna need a little more.
When you imagine your cabinets, what music do you hear? Music? Really? First feelings, now music? I need to know the emotion you're going for.
It's my process.
Just go with me for a minute.
Well, I could tell you what the wood looks like or describe the grain or the finish, but you honestly expect me to tell you what song I think my cabinets are sing-ing? Hey, Jules.
What are you still doing here? Shhh.
Now I know they're just sketches, Mel, but are they singing to you? Oh, like Michael Buble.
Wow, Jules, these are exactly the cabinets I wanted.
Oh, I can't wait to get my hands all over these bad boys.
It's sold.
All right.
So get going with the carvey-carvey.
More sketches? What are these? Oh that.
That's just a notion I had for that empty room above your garage.
You were talking about making that into an office, right? - Well, someday.
- Why not now? Skylight.
Coffered ceilings.
Cherry wood window seat.
It'd be your own private sanctuary.
Oh, I've always wanted a sanctuary.
You know, the summer after we went to France, my family and I went to Greece and there was this monastery- Burke, Burke, Burke, Burke.
Come on back here to America.
All right? Your country needs you.
Just stay on-task in the kitchen.
So why don't you make like your mates, the kangaroos, and hop to it, okay? Joe, never insult the people who brought us "Shark Week.
" Look, Jules, I want you to build my dream office.
Go, make my life perfect.
I won't rest till you're satisfied.
Ooh, I like the sound of that.
I'll be back in the morning with a lot more wood.
Well, I'll be waiting.
- What the hell was that? - What? "I'll be waiting.
" - I didn't say it like that.
- No, you're right.
I actually toned down the desperation.
I don't know what your problem is, unless for some twisted sick reason you feel threatened.
What? No.
Not at all.
I'm just sayin'.
He's trying to work his way into every room in this house.
If that happens, he'll never leave.
I mean, is that what you want? Well, he is kinda easy on the eyes and not so yappy on the ears.
You know what this is, Burke? This is job creep.
Classic job creep.
The guy's asked to do one job - And he creeps his way into everything else.
- Oh really, job creeper? Wow, yeah.
You started as my nanny, but then you became my construction manager.
Now you're just the senior vice president of pissing-me-off! Really? You'd think I'd have a better parking spot then, baby.
Okay, team, Bobcat spirit is at an all-time low.
That's why the administration asked us, the school opinion-makers- And others- to help.
You know what we need, Aidan? Cool events.
And I've got the greatest one ever.
Dress-up Fridays.
I so heart dress-up days.
Well, we all heart your enthusiasm.
We could do disco dress-up day, '60s dress-up day - '70s dress-up day.
- Ooh ooh, '80s dress-up day.
We're gonna run out of decades by Thanksgiving.
Sebastian, do you have any ideas? What about you, Lennox? I see you've written "Shut up" about 100 times on your pad there.
Well, uh, yeah.
I mean, as awesome as it is to find out what's in everyone's closet I have a red Michael Jackson jacket.
It might also be cool to find out what's in their minds.
Like every Thursday at assembly we could put up a microphone where students can say whatever they want.
Like a freedom mic.
What do we think of Lennox's idea? - '90s dress-Up day! - Yes, that's so unexpected! Okay, well, you guys seem to have this all under control, so I'm just gonna step out for a minute.
And not come back.
Hey, I got your text.
Oh hey, I just need you to take a gander at something and sign off on it.
Well, I approve.
I haven't shown you anything yet.
Well, I guess I'm just in a buying mood.
All right.
Well, what do you think? Oh, they're perfect.
I guess I'll let the artist get back to work.
Hey, I was just about to break for lunch.
I packed an extra sammie.
It's buffalo mozzarella and heirloom tomato.
They were grown in my backyard- the tomatoes, not the buffaloes.
Oh, well, I guess I could stay for a sammie with tomato.
I'll just, uh, clear some of this mess out of here.
Wow, you managed to make that look very macho.
Ciabatta or baguette? I made them myself.
Wow, is there anything you can't make? And does your girlfriend know how lucky she is? Ah.
A girlfriend- There's something I wish I could build.
I once built a boyfriend out of pillows.
I was 10.
I was 10.
Mmm! Oh, it gets better.
Try this olive.
Mmm! Hello.
I'm here.
Been here.
Longest 30 seconds of my life.
What are you even doing here? Did you forget something? Like your manners? Mrs.
This woman is a total nightmare.
Why can't all my clients be like you? Because they have boundaries.
It's the middle of the day, Burke.
What are you even doing here? Well, Jules needed me to approve the cabinet doors.
- Oh really? How come he didn't call me? - They're my doors.
Yeah, but I'm the construction manager.
This is my territory.
- What is? - You.
No, I mean your house.
I don't appreciate another guy just swooping in here and screwing up the chain of command.
This has nothing to do with chain of command or screwing.
Good, let's keep it that way.
Oh Mel, I'm so sorry.
There's an emergency at Mrs.
Westburn's house.
It never ends with her.
But tomorrow we'll huddle over those plans for your new office sanctuary.
Oh well, I like to cuddle- huddle.
Hurry back.
Leave me alone.
Don't you see the game this guy is playing here? Come on! He struts around this place with his guns a-blazing and all of a sudden, there's more cabinets being ordered.
That is not what's going on here.
Look, I'm gonna say something, all right? You're not gonna like it, but I'm gonna say it anyway.
What kind of a guy comes to work wearing T-shirts that tight? You know what I mean? Muscles hanging out everywhere? Frankly, it's gross, okay? Clearly, the man is just overcompensating for something.
- Yeah, it's just sad.
- It is.
You're falling for him, aren't you? What?! No! Why would I fall for a guy who's perfect and all? You think that's my type? Well, bleh.
You can't even be honest with yourself for like a second.
Oh, I can be honest- Big-time honest.
You know what? All right.
What's going on here is totally unhealthy.
Exactly, yes.
Getting involved with a hunk who works in your house - is just nuts.
- No, you being so involved in my life is unhealthy.
You're always here, having opinions.
Can I help it if I have great ideas? Well, we won't know until you actually have one.
Even though my kitchen's not done, - You're all up in my grill.
- Oh yeah.
'cause you're never in my personal business.
Works both ways, Burkey.
No, this doesn't work.
This is toxic.
You know what? You're right.
I want out.
Well, finally.
A great idea.
Good, go.
- Great, I'm going.
- Yeah, pack up your stuff and go to the new room above the garage! You know what? Yeah, I will! All right? But I'm gonna tell you something: Once I go, I ain't coming back- to the basement.
I'm counting on it.
It'll be worth losing my monastery.
- Sanctuary.
- Whatever-ary.
It's yours.
And all they cared about was organizing different dress-up days.
Disco day, Pajama day.
Ooh, how about slutty cheerleader day? Stop suggesting that.
Anyway, I'm not going back.
What do you mean? You were appointed, like a pretty blonde Supreme Court Justice.
And I thought Aidan, Mr.
"I get along with everybody," would at least take what I had to say seriously.
I had this great idea about putting up a freedom mic where everybody could speak out.
Yeah, because then everybody could finally say- Be quiet already.
Honey, let me tell you how government works.
You know, even sometimes with a good idea like yours you still have to push push push.
But if you're not there in the room, - you can't push.
- Yeah, whatever.
- I'm so done with those people.
- Quitter.
You want me to show you how to make the perfect piece of toast out of that thing? - Uh, I can make my own- - Bah bah bah bah bah.
Watch this.
Thank you.
Need a little help there? I am perfectly capable of making my own sandwiches.
Oh, I see.
What are you doing, planning another little picnic with the thunder from down under? For your information there are no picnics planned in my kitchen because Jules is stuck all day over at Mrs.
Nightmare's house.
Oh, so you're just gonna take the sandwiches over there and then- You know what? I almost did that whole toxic thing again.
My fault.
I volunteered information.
- Yeah.
That was close.
- Yeah.
- Ugh, Lennox, can you get it? - I'm a little busy here.
Oh, uh, hello.
Listen, I just wanted to catch you before that spirit committee meeting today which I hope you're going to.
Ah, you know, Aidan, the spirit committee kind of broke my spirit, so I think I'm gonna pass.
Who's the cute boy selling dimples door-to-door? That's Aidan.
He's president of everything and king of school spirit.
Look, I know Martin and Stella have some bad ideas.
No, they're not bad.
They're just incredibly lame and absolutely awful.
But yours wasn't.
Why don't you come back? I don't have the disco balls to fight those two.
Yeah, but together, you and me, we could change things.
All we have to do is push push push.
I can't push alone.
I gotta say, that makes a lot of cute.
Why didn't I see that before? That's exactly what I said.
Yeah, but did you say it with the cute boy dimples? Hm, good point.
M- Mel! - What are you doing here? - I have sandwiches and I brought "po-tah-to" chips.
Oh, that is so sweet, But if Mrs.
Westburn catches me slacking, - She'll chew my head off.
- Jules Darling, did you want the Pinot or the Zinfandel? Go go.
It gets ugly once she starts drinking.
My cabinets! Who's she? Uh, Mrs.
Westburn, I'd like you to meet another client of mine- Ms.
Oh, the needy one.
See those olives right there? You might want to wash 'em before he puts 'em in your mouth.
They've been around.
- Whoa, hey.
- Hey.
So how's the new room coming up there? It's gonna be awesome, actually, as soon as I find all the loose nails.
But I have this great system: What I do is I step on them and then I just pull them out of my toes.
Hey, so how did your picnic go - with Jules? - Ugh.
So I show up looking extra cute, effortlessly, ready to have lunch and then, uh- Well, you know what? I'm saying too much again.
I don't want to ruin this healthy distance thing we just started.
I think you're right.
And as a matter of fact, I have to say since we stepped up the privacy, I can feel us being a little more civil toward each other.
Yeah, me too.
I think it's much better not sharing every intimate detail.
Could not agree with you more.
Oh by the way, I picked up some more of that quilted toilet paper that you like.
Oh, the one the little cartoon bears use? Yeah, that's the one.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
I gotta get back upstairs and continue working on my new room.
So I'll see you.
- Hey, Joe? - Yeah? You know, now that you're in the room over the garage, it's gonna be a little weird- I mean, you not being within shouting distance? You can shout louder than you think, Burke.
Aw, you're just saying that.
- Uh, well, good night.
- Good night, Longo.
Joe, quick! - Yeah? What? - Nothing.
Just testing.
So much for privacy.
So much for distance.
- Hey Ryder, is Lennox here? - Lennox! Oh, you know what? She must be upstairs.
LENNOX! I heard you! Would you stop yelling? Oh Hey, Aidan.
Wait, I know you guys are on that student council spirit thing.
- I know you're taking suggestions- - Mm-hmm.
Get out.
I'll save it for the freedom mic.
Here's the proposal that's going to the vice principal.
It looks good.
I guess that's the end of our committee.
Maybe we could keep on meeting.
You mean like more spirit stuff? No, like, I was thinking a smaller committee, just two people.
And we could talk about other important issues like, uh, what movie to go see? You're asking me out, aren't you? I was trying.
I don't know.
Dating a kid like you could really hurt my street cred.
But I'll risk it.