Melissa & Joey s02e10 Episode Script

Pretty Big Liars

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Ugh! It's my money and I'm gonna use it how I want.
Look, man, I'm not judging.
I'm just saying that what you want to do with it is incredibly stupid.
Which is your opinion- - as a businessman.
- Who makes my lunch.
Don't you go there, boy.
You really wanna mess with the guy who decides what goes in your sandwich? All right, you two, what's going on here? There is no arguing in this house.
- But, Joe- - All right, shut it.
Come on, seriously.
Joe doesn't "approve" of the way I'm investing my $1,000 that I inherited from Great Aunt Florence.
No, that's not what I said.
Okay, what I said was it would simply save time to soak the check in gasoline and then set it on fire.
I found this amazing new company and their stock goes on sale tomorrow.
Initial public offerings are always risky, dude.
- It's my $1,000.
- Yep, not for long.
- So what's the company? - Jumptech.
They invented these sneakers that make you jump higher.
Magic flying shoes! Quick, Mel, mortgage the house so we can get in on this surefire thing.
It's not magic.
Check this out.
See? Fat guys and short kids wearing the shoes and they're jumping over fences and slam-dunking.
Wow! Finally, science has given us something we can use.
Well, it does use "patented hyper-coil technology," which is either really good or totally made up.
It's my money and I'm not gonna miss out on this.
I just have to figure out a way to open up a brokerage account by tomorrow.
Fine.
I will help you lose your money, all right? I'll buy the stock through my account.
Yes, I still have an account, all right? Currently it's more of a pity account, but I still have one.
Oh, this is great, Joe.
Now you'll get to feel what it's like to touch money again.
Hey, Lennox.
Hey, guess what I learned in school today.
Boys suck.
As a man who was once a boy, I am so happy that you figured that out.
Well, what happened, sweetie? Haskell and I were supposed to meet up at the yogurt shop at 6:00 to celebrate our two-week anniversary.
I get there a little early, and he's in the parking lot, making out with that skank Marissa near the dumpster.
That was our spot.
- I mean, can you believe that? - Well, yeah.
Marissa's smoking hot.
Like a pile of doody in August.
Good save.
Honey, that's terrible.
You know, when I was your age and something like that would happen to me, I would grab my fake I.
D.
, sneak into a bar and drown my sorrows in a big frosty mug of Milk.
Look, it's Haskell's loss.
I never wanna hear that name again.
It is now "The H word.
" Okay, on a totally different subject, have you decided what you're gonna do with your $1,000 from Aunt Florence? Yes.
I'm going to get an anatomically correct Haskell voodoo doll.
Hell of a lot better investment than Ryder's.
- It's all good - All good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right as far as I can see - it's all good - All good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right I guess you're stuck with me.
- Mel.
- Oh, Sam, hi.
I mean, "h word's" dad.
Listen, I feel terrible about how my son ended things with Lennox.
How's she doing? She's going through a wide range of emotions.
One minute she's devastated, and the next minute she's perfectly miserable.
Actually, it's sort of a narrow range of emotion.
- That must be really hard.
- I can barely stand to be in the same room with her.
Oh, you meant for Lennox.
Wow, you got a little evil streak there, don't you? What do you mean? It's not little.
- Good to know.
- Seriously, though, I thought Lennox and Haskell made a really cute couple.
- Yeah.
Right up until the moment when he started making out with someone else.
Well, in that area, he takes after his mother, which is why we're no longer together.
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear you're available.
Hey, you know, with the whole Lennox-Haskell thing, I probably shouldn't even be talking to you.
Yeah, you know, we are in enemy camps now.
So I guess there's no chance of me asking you out now.
Absolutely not.
In fact, I dare you.
Go ahead.
Hey, Joe, you notice anything weird about this glass? Yeah, you're holding it and It doesn't smell like gin.
All the glasses coming out of the dishwasher lately have been cloudy.
You walked all the way in here to tell me about a cloudy glass? All the glasses.
They all have spots on 'em.
What are you gonna do about this? Hide when I hear your footsteps.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you want me to pretend like that's a serious problem? Mel, I'm gonna get right on this.
Joe, you were right about Jumptech.
It didn't double its first day.
I'm sorry, buddy.
This is one of those times I wish I wasn't right.
It tripled.
Check it out! - You're kidding.
- I'm rich.
My stock is worth 3 grand.
Thanks, Joe.
I couldn't have done it without you.
It was all you, man.
I- I did nothing.
- Nice going, Joe.
- I didn't buy the stock.
- What? - I didn't buy it.
Can you call them and tell them you meant to buy it? Sure.
Yeah.
'Cause the stock market is all about the honor system.
- But you told Ryder that you bought it.
- It was a sure loser.
- So you lied to him? - No, I didn't lie to him.
- I was protecting him.
- From what- wealth? Look, this is a stupid company with an inane concept.
There's no logical reason for it to have gone up.
Wow, I really feel terrible for Ryder.
But I'm so glad I'm not you.
Go ahead, laugh all you want, all right? When sanity returns to the earth tomorrow and the stock crashes, he's gonna thank me for saving his thousand bucks.
Hey, Lennox, funniest thing happened today.
I ran into Haskell's dad getting coffee.
Oh, that's nice.
Did you tell him I hope his son falls lips first into a wood chipper? No, not in those exact words.
There is something else I wanted to mention.
Haskell's dad and I were thinking about- just wanna throw this out there- you know, going to get a meal sometime, like at dinnertime.
Dinner? That's a date.
You can't do that.
Well, if you want to think about it, let me know how you feel.
I can't believe you'd do this to me.
That's like treason.
Pick a family, Aunt Mel, Haskell's or ours.
Wow, I really feel terrible for Lennox.
I'm so glad I'm not you.
Boy, talk about an overreaction.
She's absolutely right.
What you did was total and utter betrayal.
I mean, it's not like I'm dating a friend's ex, which I would never do again.
I was in high school.
College.
Drop it! Look, it's not like Haskell was a serious boyfriend like Aidan was.
Haskell was just a two-week rebound guy.
Mel, they're teenagers, all right? Two weeks in their world is like 20,000 text messages.
But this is Haskell's dad, and the sins of the sons shall not be visited upon the fathers- you know, especially the super cute ones.
Mel, this parenting thing we're trying to do here, it involves a little bit of sacrifice.
Does it involve anything else? I'm just saying, for the health of the household, you might just wanna keep it in your pants.
But Sam didn't do anything.
Why should he have to suffer and not have a chance to get with this? All right, I'll do the "right" thing.
Hey, Mel, you didn't have to wait for me out here.
Yeah, I did.
I just didn't wanna get started on the whole dinner, - because- - What's up? Well, I'm sorry, but Lennox is not a big fan of us going out together.
Oh, I see.
So you're saying we're gonna have to sneak around? No, I would never.
That would be wrong.
Yeah, okay, well, then - I guess this is goodbye.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, we can sneak around.
Okay.
Sign this, read this, and pretend to read this.
Oh, and remember, today you have that lunch with the oldest woman in Toledo.
Oh, you're gonna have to postpone it.
She's 106.
Well, it'll give her something to live for.
I'm sorry, I have an urgent personal conflict.
Personal? What's his name? Stephanie, when I say "something's personal" it means I don't wanna discuss Sam.
His name's Sam.
Haskell's dad? We're not supposed to talk to him.
I'm Facebook friends with Lennox.
Well, that's why I'm seeing him secretly.
Spill it, naughty girl.
Did you just call me- yeah, I am a naughty girl.
Okay, so last night, we went to this skeevy dive bar.
The kind of place I would never go to that much any more.
It was so exciting.
You know, it was like I was 18 again and dating my dad's tennis pro.
Don't worry, I'll cancel your lunch.
I'll clear your whole afternoon.
Exactly how much time do you need? Just lunch.
Yeah, I can get a lot done in an hour.
Hey, Ryder, how's your investment doing today? Bad day.
It only doubled.
I am so rich.
The funny thing is is no matter how rich you get, you're still a geek.
The ladies loves the rich geeks.
Hey, maybe you can use some of that money and buy yourself a clue! You know, Ryder- you know what this means, right? I mean, you're only rich on paper.
This stock could still drop like a stone.
- I never thought of that.
- Yeah.
So we gotta cash in.
Call your guy and tell him to sell now.
Yeah, Joe, why don't you do that? No, no, no, no.
What? No, no, no, no.
We can't pull out all of a sudden.
- Why not? - Why? Dude, because we need to think about this, man.
- But you hate this stock.
- Yes, I do, buddy, with all my soul.
But emotions should never factor into a financial decision.
No, no, what we need to do is stay the course and, you know, just play this whole thing out.
You're right.
I mean, it could double again tomorrow.
Wouldn't that be great? I am so glad I'm in business with you, Joe.
Yeah, well, you know, yeah.
Thank you for not ratting me out.
Well, you know, nobody's perfect.
I don't judge anyone.
Yeah, you do.
Yeah, that's pretty much all you do.
Hey, Mel, it's the middle of the day.
What are you doing home? What are you doing home? Every Thursday you jog the Towpath Trail - at exactly this time.
- Okay.
Number one, I don't jog.
I run, okay? And number two- Okay, I don't wanna hear about your number twos.
The kids are in school, why don't you just take the day off? Here's $10.
What are you talking about? I'm fixing the dishwasher.
Remember? Cloudy glasses? - End of the world? - A few spots isn't gonna kill anybody.
Just go for your run.
Here- here's another $10.
You're acting all weird.
What are you doing? I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on here.
Okay, Sam Davis is coming over.
Here? Why? No.
Oh, grow up.
Wait a minute.
You promised Lennox that you would not get involved.
I tried, but then he kissed me.
Now I have no choice but to have sneaky, secret sex with him.
And today, we're doing it here.
We're gonna pretend my room is my parents' room.
Oh, my God.
You are such a hypocrite.
- I am not.
- Yes, you are.
You told Lennox you wouldn't get involved with Haskell's dad.
You lied to her.
Don't act all high and mighty.
You lied to Ryder.
Hey, I lied to Ryder to protect him, all right? You lied to Lennox to cover your own butt.
Bravo.
You're a much more ethical liar than I am.
I'm sure when we meet in hell, my flames will be on "high," and yours will only be on "simmer.
" Can you just skedaddle so I can get some in the privacy of my own home? Fine, you know what? I'm going.
But I'm not lying for you.
Hey, how are you? - Oh, hey, Joe.
- Yeah, I'm not seeing anything.
Come on, he was just leaving.
Give me a five minute head start before you guys do anything.
- Hey, Joe.
- Hey, Lennox.
Lennox! Hey, what the heck are you doing here? Why aren't you at school? I left my history paper in the printer, and it's due fifth period.
Wait, wait, wait.
Where are you gonna be going? - To get my paper.
- No! No, no, no, no.
Mm-mm, no, you can't go upstairs right now.
I'm cleaning up there.
Trust me.
There's a lot of stuff probably hanging out.
You don't wanna see what's going on up there.
- I'll avert my eyes.
- Wait a minute.
Lennox, Lennox, Lennox, please- I wouldn't go up the back stairs.
To the second floor, Lennox, where you're probably more than halfway by now.
- You guys owe me big time.
- For what? We didn't even get to the good stuff.
- It was nice to see you again.
- Get outta here, will ya? Jeez.
- Jeez, what was that? - Oh, that? That was just the door.
I'm just going around the house checking all these doors, making sure they're not squeaking.
This one's good.
- Where are you going? - Back to school.
Yeah, but you came in the back door.
And I wanna go out the front door.
Mm-mm, nope, you cannot do that.
Nope, it's bad luck.
It's bad luck.
You have to go out the same door you came in, okay? That's just common frickin' sense, Lennox.
- Okay, I'm going, I'm going.
- All right.
In a crisis, you want Longo.
So, how is Ryder's investment doing today? Oh, it's a piece of crap.
Wow.
The price of crap is skyrocketing.
I know.
This company continues to defy all logic.
It just keeps going up and up and up.
It's like- like- a Jumptech sneaker? Getting a little text message from your sneaky secret boyfriend? No, a text message has words.
He's sending you pictures.
That's classy.
How'd he even get one of us doing that? I mean, it's not like he has any hands free.
And my breakfast is done.
Oh, relax, Longo.
We were just dancing naked.
- Come on.
- I'm joking.
What politician would be dumb enough to have naked pictures on their cell phone? Let me ask you something, Burke? Why is it that I lie to Ryder and I feel awful, yet you lie to Lennox and you're having the time of your life? Wait a minute.
I forgot.
It's because I have a conscience.
I don't feel bad because what Lennox doesn't know doesn't hurt her.
You made Ryder believe he was rich.
You know what? You're right, but I can fix that, because I still have his original $1,000.
You're not gonna buy that ridiculous stock, are you? Are you crazy? I would never do anything that risky.
I'm gonna invest it in a high-stakes poker game.
Hey.
Hey, Aunt Mel, is there anything you need to tell me? Hmm stay in school.
Don't drink and drive and always put the toilet seat down.
Wait, that's for Ryder.
That's funny, because I just heard today that Haskell's father was sneaking around with- who was that again? Oh, that's right.
You.
- That is a vicious rumor.
- Is it true? I don't see why that's important.
I was having lunch with Haskell today and he said he just found out.
Aunt Mel, how could you? Lennox, I'm so sorry.
I didn't- wait.
- You're speaking to Haskell again? - Yeah.
Yeah, we sorted stuff out a couple days ago.
Turns out he doesn't like Marissa.
She just jumped him in the parking lot and what was he supposed to do? Wait a minute.
Don't change the subject.
You lied to me.
- No, no, no, I think I'm in the clear here.
- What? Yeah, my lie was only a lie because you weren't speaking to Haskell.
Now that you're speaking to him again, you've removed my lie.
See, my lie is now the truth.
Are you even listening to yourself? Yes, I am, and I like what I hear.
- A lie is a lie.
- A lie is based on its context.
Clearly you're the expert on lying.
Okay, maybe you weren't listening, but you've removed my lie.
And I'm putting it back, liar! You could just smell the crazy in here.
Good to see you back in the game, Longo.
Good to be back, Jackson.
I raise $500.
- Call.
- Call.
Call.
So, where's your stake come from these days? I'm not gonna lie to you, man.
From the kid that I babysit.
Ooh, all right, gentlemen.
Let's see who at this table has actually got a pair.
- I raise $1,000.
- I'm out.
I think I can cover your $1,000.
I'm all-in.
What's it gonna be, Joe? - That $6,000 calling your name? - I'm thinking.
So you going all-in or what? Yeah, yeah, I am definitely gonna- I'm sorry.
Would you guys mind if I just take that for a minute? - I'm- I'm sorry.
- Longo - Hello.
- Joe, we're ruined.
You know those Jumptech videos of those kids slam-dunking? They are all fakes.
Wait a minute.
Calm down.
Who said they were faked? The president of the company as the FBI hauled him away in handcuffs.
I'm out, guys.
This game's too hot for me.
Well, look at us, right out here in the open.
Where everyone can see us.
Yeah, I even told Lennox where I was going.
Don't have to hide behind anyone's back any more.
Yeah, that's right.
I mean, now we can spend our energy getting to know each other.
Really talking instead of just plotting out where our next sexy hookup might be.
- Yeah, now that was getting old.
- Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
- Yep.
- Yep.
Yep.
Conversation.
You know, we can- we can talk about anything.
- Anything in the world.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- So where'd you park? - I got a meter.
It already had 15 minutes on it.
- Nice, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
This is- this is great.
"In after-hours trading, Jumptech has dropped from $12 a share to 8 cents.
" It's all gone, Joe.
My money is all gone.
What I did was dumb.
It was like gambling.
And gambling's stupid, right, Joe? Yes.
Definitely.
Unless you have a system for it.
Ryder, I heard about your stock on the way home.
I was rich, and then I lost everything.
Hey, well, you can take a lesson from Joe.
I mean, he bounced back partly.
I mean, he- well, he's still bouncing.
And you know what, buddy? It actually turns out there's this highly arcane SEC rule that can actually "unwind" a trade and return all the funds to the investor if it can be proven that the investor was a nice young man who was making his first investment.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Is that true? - Is it true? Would Joe lie to you? Would I lie to you, dude? Come on.
Yeah, all we have to do now is just fill out all the paperwork, and you'll have your $1,000 back in about a week.
From now on, I'm always doing what you say.
Thank you.
You're cleaning all the rain gutters this weekend.
Damn, that went bad fast.
Okay, can we make a pact right now not to ever lie to the kids again? Okay, but technically, mine wasn't a lie.
Oh, my God.
You just- you never stop.
You say that like it's news.
What are you doing here anyway? - Didn't you have a big date tonight? - Yeah, it's funny.
Once we compared parking spaces, the night kind of peaked.
I don't know.
Without sneaking around behind people's back, this thing with Sam kind of lost its thrill.
Pretty messed up, huh? You say that like it's news.
What is it about people always wanting to do things they're not supposed to do? You know, Mel, it's human nature.
I mean, people can't help themselves, you know? I mean, you start feeling something that you think maybe you shouldn't and then The pull is too strong.
Well, maybe the pull is too strong because it's against the rules.
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
If the only thing that makes a relationship exciting is that it's forbidden- it's probably not worth it.
No, it's probably totally hot.
Congratulations on turning 106, Mrs.
McKinnon.
As your city councilwoman I, Mel Burke, value contact with my constituents, especially someone with as much life experience as you have.
Excuse me do you have a cough drop or maybe a hard candy in your purse? Thanks for covering.
And as your councilwoman, Mel Burke, I think there's so much you could teach us all about the real values in life, you know, like integrity and honesty.
Thank you, dear.
Thanks to both of you.
What- what do you mean? Oh, drop it.
I didn't get to be 106 without paying attention.