Melissa & Joey s02e12 Episode Script

Mother of All Problems

Melissa & Joey is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
So, mom, you know how endless a kitchen remodel can be.
I never want to go through that again.
Yes, but it's all worth it when it's done.
When will it be finished? Is finished.
Really? So all this is intentional? Hey, slow down there, you two.
I've got some solid food coming here.
It's so nice to finally meet you, Monica, put a face to the name.
What brought you to town? Well, I was waiting for a special occasion, like a wedding, but who are we kidding? I'm not going to live forever.
That's right, mom.
Not married, still single can't point that out enough.
I guess Mr.
right must have taken a wrong turn.
Monica, would you go tell the kids we're ready to eat? The children are going to join us for dinner? At the same table? Yeah, we try to all eat together, you know, like a family.
And you sit with us too? I know.
It's nuts around here.
Well, no husband and no children of your own, but still a full table.
Ooh ooh, it's like a play a sad little play.
You kill me, mom.
You really do.
Lennox, dinner! And you too Young man.
How do you put up with that? Oh, you mean our little mother-daughter back-and-forth? She just has a sarcastic sense of humor.
No, I have a sarcastic sense of humor, all right? She's she's mean.
You just have to laugh it off.
Yeah? Or in your case scratch it off? It's no big deal.
I get hives every once in a while.
Like when? You know, like Christmas, Thanksgiving, mother's day.
What does it say? Oh yeah, look at that "help me.
" Oh, look what this arm says "butt out.
" - It's all good - All good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right as far as I can see - it's all good - All good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right I guess you're stuck with me.
Just grab something.
We gotta leave.
I need breakfast.
You can eat next when grandma's gone.
What are you guys doing up? Going to school.
At 6:00 A.
? Yeah, we like to be there when it opens.
Yeah, it's really cool when they unchain the gates and wake up all the homeless guys.
You're doing your grandmother, aren't you? I cannot listen to her criticize another one of my outfits and tell me that I'm asking for it.
You know, she still does not know my name.
She calls me "tall boy.
" Maybe you can help her out, you know, wear a name tag or something.
Oh my God, lights.
Okay, let's go, let's go.
Hold on.
This is not cereal.
This is croutons.
Close enough.
Let's go.
Hey, Joe.
I love this time of day.
Don't you? You've never seen this time of day.
Not true.
I used to stumble home at this hour all the time.
Anyway, I'm off to work.
Why don't you stop sneaking around to avoid your mother and just admit that your is pretty screwed up? Because then I'd have to deal with it.
Avoiding your mother is not healthy.
There's nothing unhealthy about it.
All right, all right, look, sure I wish I had a better relationship with my mother, but I don't.
There's nothing I can do about it.
So I've made peace with that.
See? Peace.
Yeah, I see a piece of skin hanging off right there.
You know, you'd live a lot longer if you actually had a real conversation with her.
We're burkes.
Burkes don't do that.
Longos do.
Rumor is the whole next semester is gonna be pilates or zumba.
Anything without flying balls or sticks coming at me.
I really like my nose where it is.
All right, ladies, for the next two months we will eat, sleep and crap soccer.
This week heading the ball.
I need a volunteer.
You, glickman.
Next time use less face.
Okay, take a lap and then Come on.
I am so not doing this.
Well, you can't get out of it.
Coach Dalman only excuses you if you're dead or dying.
And even then, you'd better have a note from the coroner.
Come on, Miller, scanlon, look alive.
Um, listen, coach Dalman, I need to be excused from p.
That's not a problem.
Just show me your obituary.
It's, you know, my period.
Please, we women can do on our period.
Nt we can climb mountains.
We can declare war.
We can even wear white stretch pants.
So if it's your period, you can give me an extra No no no no no, it's not my period.
- Really? - Yeah.
I so do not have my period.
I wish I had my period.
You're pregnant? You said it.
Honey, if you are, you should definitely not be out here playing soccer.
- Well, I guess you know best.
- Yes, I do, scanlon.
Okay, you just get some homework done, put your feet up, text your baby daddy.
Come on! You run like girls! Shake that ass! My goodness, everyone here gets up so early.
It's 11:00.
Then it's time for a big bubbly glass of breakfast.
Did Mel say when she was coming home? It's Tuesday council day.
She'll be home at 7:00.
And it's not likely she has a date, so 7:00 it will be.
Wow, you even throw shots at her when she's not here.
Shots? Are you referring to our little mother-daughter back-and-forth? You know, that little back-and-forth, I think, is sometimes pretty hurtful to Mel.
My, the staff does voice its opinion around here, doesn't it? Yes, it does, yeah.
And another thing that it's curious about is: It's been two years since you came to your daughter's house.
And you'd like to know why I'm here? Yeah, I really would.
I'm here because my other daughter is in prison and I thought it would be nice to spend a little time with my family while my husband Russell is in Mexico bedding a 28-year-old yoga instructor.
That's some new information.
And it's our anniversary tomorrow.
That's my gift from Russell betrayal.
He does not know how to shop for you.
Seriously, wow.
I'm sorry.
I never would have said anything if I'd known that.
But hey, you know what? Since we're kind of talking now, I gotta tell you, I think you deserve a lot better than that.
How do you stand it? I have my ways.
I think you should treat yourself a little better than that.
You've got a lot of life left ahead of you.
You don't want to spend the rest of it being miserable, do you? Lovely talking to you, Joe.
I think I'll take the rest of my breakfast upstairs.
All right, fine.
Avoid all my brilliant advice.
All Burke women do.
Hey, I heard you got out of soccer.
Nobody gets out of Dalman's class.
She made Shira Cohen play field hockey with a broken femur.
You could see it poking out.
Yeah, well, I fell into a loophole.
There's a loophole? Let me have it.
Dalman thinks I'm pregnant.
Yeah, that probably wouldn't work for me.
I just wanted to get out of soccer.
She had me knocked up before I knew what was happening.
Just to be clear you're not actually pregnant, right? Of course not.
And in a couple of months she's gonna expect me to look like I've swallowed a basketball.
Ugh, this is wrong.
I hate soccer, but I've got to tell her the truth.
Yeah yeah, tell her first thing tomorrow.
That way they can announce your death at noon assembly.
Maybe we'll even get a half-day out of it.
Okay, 7:00.
If history is any guide, my mom should be in the middle of her Martini nap.
No, she's wide awake.
Hey, Mel, I gotta talk to you about something that you're not gonna really want to hear, but today I got to know your mother a lot better.
Eww, gross! With my mother? How could you? What? Eww.
Are you I have a little more restraint than that.
No, look, we got to talking, all right? We got to really talking.
Eww, talking?! That's even worse.
Hey, we had a very revealing conversation that was quite therapeutic for her, I think.
So look, this is not gonna be easy for me to say.
You may want to sit down.
This is bad, huh? Really bad? It is.
Look, she told me that your father's been cheating on her.
That's it? It's so cute how you think that's news.
You know, you look like a sweet little pixie, but you're very dark, Burke.
Oh, Mel dear, you're home.
I have to tell you something something very important.
I wonder what it could be.
It might be shocking.
I should brace myself.
Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary and Russell has used this occasion to cheat on me.
What? And as a result, I have decided to divorce your father.
What?! I wish I had never laid eyes on that man.
Nothing good has ever come from this marriage.
Mom, hello.
You're right.
I'm sorry, dear.
I did get to meet Nancy Reagan.
Anyway, I now see things so clearly, thanks to the support and encouragement of my good friend Joe.
Joe? Really? So one conversation with Joe longo, and my parents' entire marriage blows up? Nice work.
Very therapeutic.
I just told her that she deserved better.
Yeah, but she really doesn't.
- He cheats on her.
- She cheats on him.
That didn't come up.
It's their thing.
They're meant for each other.
They have this all worked out.
All worked out? Burke, it's been years of misery and denial.
Name me one good thing that's come out of this marriage.
Me! Why does everyone keep leaving me out? Look, all I'm saying is your father is on vacation with a woman half his age on their anniversary.
I think her showing up here is a cry for help.
No, when my mother cries for help, it sounds like, "Esperanza, donde esta El valium?" You know what I think? I think this is a blessing in disguise, 'cause she's finally talking about something for real.
You need to be there for her.
You have no idea of the dark forces you have just unleashed, okay? First come hives, then come the locusts.
You're overreacting a little bit.
Oh? We'll see who's overreacting tomorrow when the sun turns to blood and it begins raining frogs.
Is it gonna clear up by the weekend? 'Cause I have a softball game.
hey, coach.
Can I talk to you? Sure, scanlon, anytime.
Everything okay with you two? Actually, no.
I was thinking about yesterday and getting out of soccer, and I need to be totally honest with you.
This whole baby thing I feel so ashamed.
Oh, honey, don't wallow in regret and self-recrimination.
Should you have been more careful? Yes.
But you're not the only one who's made a mistake.
Three out of 10 girls in this country get pregnant before they turn 20.
That's 2000 girls every day just like you.
Well, not just like me.
See, coach, I need to tell you I feel really bad.
Oh, Lennox, it could happen to anyone.
In fact, when I was in high school, it happened to me.
Oh boy.
When I went through it, there was no one to turn to.
But I will be here for you every day.
And don't worry, your little situation will be our little secret.
Heads up! Hey, watch where you're throwing that! For crying out loud, this girl is pregnant! Hi mom.
Oh, hello, darling.
What are you doing? Redecorating.
You know how it always lifts my spirits.
I got rid of your tired old drapes.
Oh, you mean my tired old brand new drapes that make me so happy whenever I walk into my house? Oh, honey, you can't expect me to live with those day after day, week after week.
Whoa, week after what? So you're staying? I can't go back to that Georgetown house.
I need to heal in the bosom of my family.
And you are all that's left, so I have to make do.
It's the end of the world, Joe.
She's moving in and staying forever.
- You don't know that for sure.
- Yes, I do.
She's in there right now taking down my drapes.
And my poor pillows are next.
She's redecorating what I just redecorated.
She's re-redecorating.
And I re-resent it.
That doesn't mean she's gonna stay here forever, Burke.
She's trying to keep herself busy.
She wants to be a part of the family.
Oh, that's a change.
Back when I was a kid, she couldn't wait to get rid of her family.
She practically pushed me and Meredith out of the house.
You're the one that said you and your sister were horrible teenagers.
Well, we were.
The third time I was arrested, my mother made my father get a vasectomy so this inconvenient child thing would never happened again.
Those are tender memories, huh? Piece by piece, she will destroy my house.
Burke, relax, okay? Pillows, drapes you know, they're just things.
Rise above.
What the hey, who the heck scratched my brand new calphalon skillet? Oh, I think Monica was heating up some stuff for her mud mask in that.
What the hell did she stir it with, a back hoe? Look at this thing.
It's ruined.
My God, it's like she strikes at what you love.
Rise above, Joe.
It's just a thing.
This woman's gotta go, Burke.
That Ohio ran out of alcohol.
If she stays here long enough, it will.
Hey, aunt Mel, we gotta talk.
Is this gonna be one of those girl conversations? 'Cause I'm more than happy to get the hell out of here.
Joe, stay.
Look, I think you both should know that there's a rumor going around school that I'm pregnant.
Who would start such a vicious rumor? Give me names.
I'll kill them.
- It was me.
- You? Who the hell am I supposed to kill now? Well, I have a suggestion.
I didn't mean to.
I just told my coach I wanted to get out of soccer.
Listen, you are gonna march in there and tell your coach the truth immediately.
I will not have everyone running around saying Lennox scanlon is pregnant.
Oh my God! Lennox is pregnant?! But she's a child! No no no no no, you don't understand.
I do understand.
This is horrible.
This will make me a great-grandmother.
The truth is uh, uh, Lennox, no more secrets, okay? It's been a long time since your grandmother lived in a house with teenagers, but this is what it's like.
But I'm not Lennox, Lennox, listen to your aunt, okay? She's got a plan to handle this horrible teenage situation.
Look, you go up to your room right now and turn that rock music up as loud as you can get it and you think about what you've done.
It's like this every day one crisis after another.
So I completely understand if you want to pack up and leave this madhouse.
In fact, I'm gonna call you a town car to take you to the airport.
Town car? Forget that.
I'll take you to the airport myself right now.
You know, I had been thinking that maybe I was being rash, that maybe my place is back in D.
That's your place.
But now that Lennox is going to have a baby, you need me here more than ever.
No no no no no.
Right, Joe? She's right.
We got this.
Go home.
I know I wasn't the best mother, but helping Lennox raise her baby will give me a chance to make up for all that.
No no, you were a great mother.
Remember I gave you that shot glass that said that? Don't worry, Mel dear.
It's all going to be fine.
Mother's here.
Stop scratching.
Mother, Lennox has something she needs to tell you.
Grandma, I'm not pregnant, not even a little bit.
I made up the whole thing to get out of soccer, which isn't a sport really.
It's more like a gang fight in knee socks.
That's it, okay.
Thank you, sweetie.
I will be upstairs saving myself for marriage.
So she's not pregnant? No no, it was just a misunderstanding, mother.
- Oh, that's a relief.
- Yeah.
So now that we're no longer in crisis, you can go on with the next exciting chapter of your life.
And I was thinking you love to travel, so how about I send you anywhere in the world you want to go Costa Rica, majorca, the South pole? Look, you can swim with the penguins.
That's very kind, but I could never go on a trip like that without your father.
He always took care of me.
Well, if you miss daddy, then why don't you talk to him and work it out like always? This time it's different.
He left me for a woman young enough to be my much younger sister on our anniversary.
This one really hurts.
Wow, mom.
Of all the conversations we've ever had, this one is the most realest.
I suppose it was, bad grammar aside.
Well, you are welcome to stay here as long as you like, within reason.
And by "within reason" I mean As long as you like.
There we go.
Don't you worry.
That mean lady is not gonna touch you.
Hey, Joe.
Big breakthrough I've invited my mother to stay.
She and I are actually getting along.
And look no itching, no bumps.
Good for you.
Bad for you.
I just don't understand why a middle-aged man would leave his wife for a Now that I said it out loud, I kinda get it.
But what could she possibly get from him? A house, money, a baby, which, you know, would guarantee more money.
Really? So you think she's only with him to have a kid and get on that gravy train? A tale as old as time.
Now that's something I can work with.
Hey, what are you saying, huh? Safe to take the skillet out of the box or what? - Coach.
- Scanlon.
Do you have a minute? Great news.
Turns out the whole pregnancy thing was a false alarm.
I can play soccer now.
Woot woot! Really? You're not not at all.
Turns out I just can't count to 28.
Well, after I poured my heart out to you But I guess you must be relieved.
I am, and I am so glad I had someone like you who took the time to support me and make me feel less alone.
I owe you one.
You know, that's good to hear, because I signed you up to speak to a group of at-risk girls tomorrow.
Being a sexually active teen who's had a close call, you might be able to get through to them.
No, didn't you hear? I'm not pregnant at all.
But you're still careless.
You just got lucky.
No, I'm not lucky.
I lied to get out of soccer.
Well, scanlon, I have to say I feel disappointed and betrayed.
But moving on your name's already in the program and they're expecting you.
Plus, the posters are already up.
Oh, that's my old yearbook photo with my zombie eyes.
Oh, what have I done? That's the look we want.
Remember it for the speech.
"Happy anniversary, my darling.
All my love, Russell.
" Oh, a diamond bracelet.
Daddy went with the big bling.
Wow, that's like a five-figure apology right there, huh? That's like a pro basketball player apology.
He's flying in tomorrow to whisk me off to Paris.
Suck it, yoga girl.
Oh my goodness, I have to go pack.
I've got to admit, Burke, I think for once you were right.
I mean, the dysfunction really seems to suit Monica and Russell.
I shouldn't have tried to stick my nose in there and fix what actually was broken very nicely.
Well, oddly, in this instance you were also right.
I'm always happy to hear about that.
Go on.
Well, I used the power of real conversation you know, that thing you're so fond of.
I called Russell's girlfriend and told her that Russell can't give her a baby for real, because of that vasectomy he neglected to mention.
So she kicked him to the curb when you spilled the beans about Russell's beans? Yeah, so if you want to say, "good job, Mel," go ahead.
Pretty good, Burke.
I tell you, you could almost be a longo.
Yeah, and if you'd just shut up once in a while, you could be a Burke.
I could never be a Burke.
My liver couldn't take it.
- You don't like croissants.
- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't.
- I think I know what I like.
- You like eclairs.
- Go away.
- Send us a box of eclairs.
- Yes, dear.
I'm so glad you worked things out with daddy.
You only get one real soul mate in life.
And when you find him, you hold onto him.
And he's closer than you think.
What the hell is she talking about? Who knows? She had a big breakfast.