Melissa & Joey s02e15 Episode Script

Mel Marries Joe

Previously on "Melissa & Joey" Something terrible has happened.
There is enormous scandal at Prodko.
If she married a U.
citizen, I could save her from being extradited.
Will you marry me and become a U.
citizen? - Da! - This is the happiest moment of my life.
Holy cannoli.
"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
I must call my parents and tell them of your proposal and that we are to be green-card married.
I'm sure they've been waiting years to get that phone call.
Oh, they're gonna be so proud.
Tell them that their fake son-in-law says "hey.
" Hey, Joe, listen, I hate to get all rational on you- Must be why you never do it.
So, um- this marrying a total stranger from a different hemisphere, was that a stupid idea or incredibly stupid idea? It was totally spontaneous.
I mean, I saw a woman in distress and- bam- just leapt into action.
Oh, like a superhero? Those are your words, but they're accurate.
So your thought process was basically- bam.
Mel, when a fireman rescues a lady from a burning building, - they don't stop to ask questions.
- Yeah, but firemen aren't usually boinking people on the way down the ladder.
Why is this bothering you so much? Oh, I don't know.
Maybe because one of us doesn't have a career that's yet ruined.
You work for me.
I don't want to be involved in some potential scandal.
There's no scandal, all right? I'm just helping somebody out.
Someone who's kind, and sweet, and hot, and honest, vulnerable and extremely hot.
Hey, which brain is making the decision here, Joe? The upper brain or the lower brain? Before you judge, would you just think about it, please? Okay, fine.
For you, I'll think about it.
Bam! - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right as far as I can see it's all good all good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right I guess you're stuck with me.
How does this work? We heat this thing up and it turns into food? You want me to heat up my cellphone and call for pizza? Ah.
Thank goodness you're home.
What is this, chicken or beef? That's the ice pack I've been using for my groin injury.
What? Here.
Turkey casserole, all right? Protein, vegetables- everything you need.
Plus it goes great with ice pack.
So how'd it go at City Hall? Did you get the marriage license? No, I gotta go back in the morning, bring 'em my frigging birth certificate.
You do not realize how many pieces of paperwork you have to throw at these people when your bride-to-be's only been in the country for 10 days.
It's like they think I'm trying to pull a fast one on them or something.
You are.
Yeah, maybe, but I'm doing the right thing, all right? And I'm having a lot of fun doing it.
Am I the only one who thinks this sham wedding is nuts? Do you really want my opinion or do you want me to just nod along? Just nod along.
Okay, for starters, you know, it's illegal.
And how is this even gonna work? What, is Elena gonna get an apartment? How long do they have to stay married? Are they gonna have pretend kids? Well, if they do, they better get on the waiting list for pretend preschool.
Come on, give Joe a break.
What he's doing is really great.
What?! This is why I told you to nod along.
What is so great about it? Name one single thing.
He's saving an innocent person from arrest, deportation and jail.
He's risking himself to help another person.
He's like Gandhi.
The only thing Joe and Gandhi have in common is they both like to go around shirtless.
When the law is wrong, you can either stand aside and do nothing or you can jump on board and fight injustice.
Okay, why can't you just go to the mall and buy some slutty tops like a regular teenager? Totes! Can I have, like, $80? Ashley and I are so getting our ears pierced some more.
- Happy? - Not so much.
Oh hey, Aunt Mel, found this great website- "Make your green card marriage look real.
" I don't wanna hear this.
I am not involved in this illegal activity in any way.
Got it.
Hey, which invitation do you like better, the one with the wedding bells or the one with the birds? Didn't you hear me? I refuse to be drawn into this international felony.
Birds- always go with the birds.
How is pulling sweater over eyes of Uncle Sam going, my favorite boy? I'm, uh I forgot what I was gonna say.
- Invitations.
- Oh right.
Yeah, well, I printed up a few that I thought you might like.
These are beautiful.
You've done so much for me.
Yeah, well, we still need to get wedding photos.
There's a lot to do if we really wanna pull this off.
- How can I ever thank you? - Don't go down that road.
Agent Miles Purvis, Immigration.
- It's the feds! - Uh, just a sec! I'm all naked! - This is just great! - Where is Joe? I'm not ready.
- I wouldn't know what to say! - Hide up in my bedroom! Let's go! What are you gonna tell them? You can't tell them the truth.
He's a federal agent.
I can't lie to him.
Okay, let me talk to him.
I'm 16.
I can lie all day.
- You just smile and look pretty.
- That I can do.
- Hello.
- Are you Mel Burke? - Yes, I am.
- I'm Mel Burke.
Please come in.
I'm here about a marriage license applied for by a Joseph P.
Since the woman he is marrying is on a tourist visa from Russia, - it raised a few red flags.
- I totally understand.
- Won't you have a seat? - We don't do that.
I can tell you firsthand how incredibly in love Joe and Elena are.
It's not just Miss Romanov's visa status that's raising suspicions.
It's also Mr.
Longo's checkered past, his pattern of behavior.
I wouldn't put anything past Mr.
- We all know what he's done.
- What are you talking about? His involvement in a Ponzi scheme.
He has a history of fraud.
Uh, okay.
Well, he was completely innocent of that.
He was a victim and he lost everything too.
You don't know Joe Longo at all.
If you're such an expert on the man, tell me how you know their relationship is legitimate.
- I don't have to prove anything to you.
- Actually, you do, because if he's trying to defraud the government, there will be serious consequences.
Okay, well, let me tell you something, Buster.
First of all, if you wanna touch my pictures and my candy dishes, get a warrant.
And second, Joe and Elena's love is as legitimate as- as these wedding invitations.
and Mrs.
your name here request the honor of your"- this is a first draft.
But look at those birds.
I mean if that's not a symbol of true love, I don't know what is.
Yeah, is that all you got? No, there's tons of other stuff, like- Like a killer wedding dress.
Anyone can buy a dress.
That proves nothing.
Okay, look, you know I'm a city councilwoman.
If this wasn't a real relationship, - would I be officiating the wedding? - You're gonna what? Every time I hear it, it's like the first time.
Really? You'll be performing the ceremony? Yeah, stick that in your report, secret agent man.
I'm marrying Joe Longo.
Elena? Hey, he's gone.
You're safe.
I overheard what you said.
You will perform the wedding? This is truths? Yeah, I heard me say it too.
- Oh.
- Oh! You are the best BFF Friend a woman has ever had.
Now we have to find a real wedding dress so it will not look like you were lying.
That wasn't a lie.
There is a dress.
Here you go.
Meet Vera.
Someone should get some use out of her.
- Ah, she is amazing.
- Yeah, she should be.
She cost as much as a small car.
Why didn't I buy a car? You know, a car doesn't silently mock you from the back of your closet for three years.
Why does your wedding dress have name? Well, I talk to it a lot and if it didn't have a name, I would just feel crazy.
You're not crazy as long as wedding dress does not talk back to you.
So where does it come from? Well, I was engaged once and right before the wedding, there was just one little problem- I realized he wasn't the one, so I called it off.
That must've created great unhappiness for you.
Mmm, yeah, those were 83 mighty unpleasant phone calls.
Oh, and I lost the cake deposit too.
Wow, cake laws in this country are very strict.
Hey, can we keep the story about my almost wedding just between you and me? You know, there's been enough truth in this house for one day.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, Mel, Lennox just told me some Immigration guy was here at the house.
- Is everything okay? - Yes, she saved us and she also said she would perform our wedding.
Really? You're gonna marry me? Yeah.
I mean, not just you- both of you.
It just sounded weird the way you said it.
That's great, Burke.
What made you change your mind? Oh, well, I just couldn't stand by and let- let Elena go to jail.
She also said kind things about you and defended you to that bad man.
Oh, please, I doubt I'd be defending Joe.
Does that sound like me at all? No, it doesn't sound like you at all, no.
Well, thank you, Burke.
All right, I'm gonna go invite some of my gym buddies to the wedding.
I'm gonna try to pass 'em off as some of my cousins, although it's gonna be difficult 'cause those guys aren't as cut as I am.
- Oh, but who is.
- Well- yeah, no one I know.
Yeah, like I'd be defending that.
Thank you all for coming to this completely real and legitimate wedding.
Please feel free to nosh on our disaster supplies.
We've got some great beef jerky, some water packets, um, but please leave the flares.
All right, we'll get started in just a minute.
I can't believe you're not a mess.
I always thought that when this day came, it would be you and Joe.
Or better yet, me and Joe.
And 50 white doves released into the air as everyone says, "He's a lucky man.
" Yeah, okay.
Well, don't let this get around, Stephanie, but this is a fake wedding.
This is just to get Elena a green card.
That's all it's about.
That's why we need the video to help sell it.
You're not just saying all this to make me feel good? I would never do that.
So I still have a shot with Joe? Let's just say your chances haven't changed.
Yes! - Hey, Joe.
- Hey.
So this is it, huh? You ready to take that big pretend step? - Yeah, is my tie right? - Close.
Wow, you really clean up nice, Longo.
- Thanks for doing this, Burke.
- Who says I'm doing it for you? I'm doing it for truth, justice and sticking it to the man.
Well, thanks for sticking it to the man.
- Shall we? - Yeah, let's get you married.
For better or worse, but not for real.
I can't believe how beautiful Joe looks.
- Uh, what about Elena? - Tall show-off.
"Ooh, look at me, I'm the bride.
" Thank you, Ryder.
Thank- thank- unclench.
- It's just so hard to watch her go.
- I know.
You look, um - Damn.
- Right back on you, handsome man.
Okay, hey hey, you two, let's not oversell this whole "we're really in love" thing, okay? Let's remember why we're here.
"Dear friends, we are gathered here today to unite this man and this woman"- The most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
If that is true, it is only because my heart is so full of love.
I feel it too.
Wow, they are so convincing.
Oh, this is all part of the act.
I'm losing confidence in my future as Mrs.
I can't believe this is really happening.
- I can't believe it either.
- What are you doing, Burke? I'm sticking to the plan.
What are you two doing? - Hey, Burke- - Okay, fine! - I lost my place.
- Will you just go to the good part, please? Okay okay.
"Elena Romanov," do you take this man, Joseph Longo, "to be your lawfully wedded husband?" - I do.
- I object.
- What? - Sidebar.
S- side- hey, you can't officiate and object at the same time.
Oh yeah? It's my office.
I can do anything I want.
- What the hell's going on? - That's what I was gonna ask you.
You said this was a rescue mission, not a love connection.
Well, I thought it was too, but the truth is I think I'm falling in love with her, Burke.
You're falling in love with your fiancee? Who does that?! Well, when she was walking toward me, - looking the way she does in that dress- - It's just a dress.
I know, I know, but I saw more than the dress, Burke.
I think- I think maybe I saw my future.
Okay, it's a dress, not a magic eight ball.
Joe, this isn't what I signed on for.
True love destroys the whole foundation of a sham wedding.
Well, I think now it's a real wedding.
Which is better for you anyway, right? Because everything's on the up and up.
There's no scandal and nobody gets hurt.
Well, yeah yeah, nobody.
- It's a win-win now.
- Yeah.
And everybody's happy, right? Yeah, everybody except Stephanie.
"Do you, Joseph Longo, take Elena Romanov to be your legally wedded wife?" Take your time.
No pressure.
- I do.
- Final answer? - I do.
- Okey-dokey.
"By the power vested in me"- blah blah blah- "I now pronounce you man and wife.
" No no no, no time for any of that.
This is a government office.
I have a 4:00 with the head of sanitation.
Uh, Stephanie will validate your parking.
And don't try to sneak across the street to target, 'cause we tow.
Back in the bag, Vera.
Oh, quit mocking me! Hey, Aunt Mel.
How you doing? Oh, I'm fine.
I'm good.
I'm super good and getting better, yeah.
And not talking to dresses, 'cause that would make me crazy.
You know, it's okay if you're upset about losing Joe - As a nanny.
- I don't care about Joe.
You know, my life will go on without him.
I don't need him.
Oh, it's Joe! I mean, just Joe.
Hey, Joe, how's the hotel room I paid for just to prove how okay I am with everything? Hey, Burke, I got a crazy question for ya: Um, is Elena there at the house? - No, what happened? - I don't know.
We got here to the hotel.
Everything was going great.
We were laughing, opened up a bottle of champagne and then she got this phone call.
She stepped out in the hallway to take it and the next thing I heard was a bunch of shouting in Russian.
What was she saying? I don't know, on account of its russianness.
Anyway, it got quiet.
I went out there to see what was going on and she wasn't there.
I've called her several times on her cellphone, but she didn't pick up.
- Oh, Joe.
- I know.
This is bad, Burke.
Okay, well, she'll be back.
Yeah, she probably ran out to get some honeymoon supplies, like breath mints and thank-you notes.
You know what? You just sit tight.
I'll go look for her.
- Elena's missing.
- The feds got her.
Relax, honey.
This is probably just your garden-variety runaway bride.
Don't runaway brides usually run away before the wedding? Lennox, any woman involved with Joe Longo is always a flight risk.
Well, I looked all over town.
I went to Little Moscow, the Toledo Tea Room - and then I went to Costco.
- You went- wha- my wife is missing and you're out buying toilet paper in bulk? She loves Costco, okay? The long lines remind her of home.
- What if she doesn't come back, Burke? - Oh Joe, she'll come back.
Holy crap, she's back! - Just as I predicted.
- Elena.
Hey, I was so worried about you.
What's- what's with the suitcase? Are we gonna go on a real honeymoon? I have most saddest news.
My coworker, Konstantin- who has done nothing wrong- will be blamed for Prodko scandal.
- He will be falling man.
- Oh, you mean fall guy.
Not important.
Please continue.
He will go to jail unless I return to Russia and testify.
No no no, you can't- you can't go back there.
It's not safe for you to return there.
That's why we did this whole thing.
Can't somebody else do it? What about Vladimir, huh? I'd believe him.
He's got a very honest, uh, eyebrow.
- He was whistle-sucker.
- You mean whistle-blower.
Sorry, I'm really trying to stay out of this conversation.
Only my testimony will save Konstantin.
I must do as you've shown me.
To save a friend, you went so far as to marry her.
Yeah, but- but aren't we a little more than friends? Today when I said I loved you, - perhaps I was trapped up in the moment.
- Caught up.
Last one, I promise.
Now I realize we have not known each other long enough - to be truly in love.
- Wow.
How many guys get the let's-be-friends speech actually on their wedding night? The way you rescued me was so beautiful.
Like fairy tale.
But now I must go back to reality.
I must go back to Russia.
Elena, wait a minute.
Let me- let me at least drive you to the airport, okay? Because you're just- You're just too beautiful to take a taxi.
Hey, you let me take taxis! No, Joseph, this must be our goodbye or I will not be able to leave you.
Elena! Yes? We'll always have Toledo.
Hey, Joe, I'm really sorry.
I know it hurts now, but think about it- this was your plan all along, right? She was gonna go back to Russia and you guys were just gonna be friends.
I mean, naked online friends, but who am I to judge? Ah, she was right.
We didn't really know each other that well.
I guess I just got caught up in the moment too.
Just, you know, the whole idea of marriage and saving her and, God, the way she looked in that dress.
Yeah, Vera will do that.
No, Elena.
Who's Vera? What? I didn't say Vera.
Look, Joe, about that wedding dress- you know, a pretty wedding dress doesn't mean it's true love and it doesn't mean it's the right person.
I know but- it's crazy, Burke, 'cause for a minute I thought she was the right person.
I guess I was wrong.
Anyway, on the upside, I can definitely rate this marriage better than my one to Tiffany.
- Yeah, and far cheaper.
- Yeah, there's that too.
Tiffany, Elena- Maybe third time's the charm, huh? Yeah.
To that poor woman, wherever she may be.
Yes, to the third Mrs.
She's probably in Fort Lauderdale right now, sucking some Jell-o shots off her twin sister's abs.
Or taking her very first pole-dancing lesson.
- Oh, that's a special moment for anybody.
- Mmm.
You're a true romantic, Joe.
- Oh, you know me so well.
- Mmm.
- Gin! - What? We're not even playing gin.
No, I want gin to drink.
Hello? It's a collect call from Mrs.
- Oh, it's her.
It's her.
- We accept.
We accept.
Hey, Elena, hi.
Any news with Konstantin? Oh, hi, Tiffany.
How are you? I'm good.
Not much.
Actually, you know what? I got married a couple of weeks ago.
No, don't worry about it.
You're better sending me an annulment gift now instead.
Actually, yo know what? It was a beautiful wedding.
Not as beautiful as our wedding.
Absolutely not.
Yeah, sure.
I can come change your tire for you.
All right, I'll see you in a few.
Joe Longo to the rescue? What can I say, Burke? I gotta go pull another lady out of a burning building.
Bam! Pick up some milk on your way home.
Bam! You got it.