Melissa & Joey s03e02 Episode Script

Toxic Parents

"Melissa and Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Hey, you look like you could use this.
Why, thank you.
New dress.
Looks great on you.
Oh, can't argue with that.
Yeah, you know, you haven't really been arguing with me about anything lately.
We're getting along really well.
Oh my God, are you dying? No.
Are you? Please.
Look at me.
I think one of the reasons we're getting along so well is because I'm finally dating somebody I really like.
You know, Eric is nice, hot, smart, hot.
I'm not even freaked out that he's a single parent.
I'm finally dating a real grown-up.
A hot one.
You know, I am actually also dating a grown-up who is also very hot.
- And coincidentally, Lauren-- - La la la la.
Don't tell me, don't tell me.
I think that's another reason we're getting along so well.
You have your thing, I have mine.
We should just keep our things separate.
Our things will never touch.
That's Eric.
Get separate fast.
- Hey, sexy-- - Hey.
Little kid.
I hope you don't mind.
I brought a wingman.
Mel, this is Daniel.
Hey, little man.
I don't mean little.
I mean, you'll probably grow.
Oh, I'm sorry.
My ex the dragon lady, flaked on me again.
Just gave me one of her surprise texts.
I understand.
You're the responsible one so you pick up the slack.
You must be picking up a lot of slack these days, 'cause you are very firm up there.
Sorry for the change of plans.
What? I'm sorry, I was in my happy place.
Hey, would you like to come out with Daniel and I tonight? I can promise you some crappy pizza, a ball pit and a loud obnoxious clown.
Yeah, I'm easy to get along with.
- Hey, Eric.
- Hi, Joe.
- Is that your kid? - Sure is.
Hey, what's up, buddy.
I'm Joe.
What are these for? Well, you can do a lot of things with those.
You can juggle.
See, look at that.
Not a very good juggler, but guess what? Look what I can do.
- I got your nose.
- No, you don't.
You know how I know that's your nose? 'Cause there's a big green booger in it.
Look at that.
Kids, they love the booger magic.
Daddy, can we take him with us? He's awesome.
The place where we're going already has an obnoxious clown.
- It's all good - All good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right as far as I can see - it's all good - All good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right I guess you're stuck with me.
Ryder, listen dude, I gotta talk to you about this math test that I gave you.
What? I tried my hardest.
Yeah, you put "C" for every answer.
Well, was it wrong every time? It wasn't multiple choice.
You know, I'm getting the feeling you're not really focusing on your schoolwork.
It's 'cause I'm not there.
Ever since I got suspended, I can't concentrate.
I never thought I'd say this, but I miss school.
Aw, I feel for you, buddy.
You know, it's just so unfair that on your school field trip you had to go smoke pot.
Lennox, you're still at school.
Tell me one thing that's happening there.
Throw me a bone.
Um oh, okay.
Here's something.
All the cute girls that you like, they still don't know you exist.
Which ones exactly? Lennox? Hey, there she is.
So tell me, how was your date at the Ball Pit? No, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I forgot.
We're keeping things separate.
Screw separate.
That wasn't a date, it was torture.
Look what that kid did to me.
Look at it.
Pizza, cotton candy, soy sauce.
We kind of pizza joint has soy sauce? Okay, we're gonna have to take these things to the dry cleaners.
Although, actually, it may be more humane to just take this one out back and shoot it.
And that sneaky little monster waited until his daddy was off getting tokens, and then blam-o.
Pizza to the ass? Pizza to the ass.
What am I gonna do? I have to get Daniel to like me if I'm going to keep Eric.
Well, here's a novel idea.
Why don't you try working on your parenting skills? Try relating to the kid.
But you have to do it on his level.
And kids need rules and limits.
Okay, what makes you such a parenting expert? Says the woman who hired me as her nanny.
Yeah, I was desperate, remember? I told you, all right? I told you a million times.
I have a big family.
I have lots of nieces and nephews.
Ask anyone in Jersey.
I'm like a total kid magnet.
Oh, that cannot sound creepier.
Oh, and just so you know, I am also dating a single parent, okay? Lauren is a mom.
She has a daughter.
And today, I'm meeting her daughter Didi.
And the things I got planned-- La la la la la la la.
Wow, Zander, that might be the most beautiful bloody skull I've ever seen.
Yeah, the blood-sucking leeches spell out "Mom.
" It's gonna be a tattoo for my buddy Evan.
Can you do one for me? What? I'm serious.
What kind of tattoo would look good on me? Don't get a tattoo.
Why not? 'Cause tattoos always look trashy on girls.
What? That is a total double standard.
No, it's a fact.
Yeah, a fact according to sexist pigs.
All I meant was that tattoos aren't for nice girls.
Oh, I'm a nice girl.
So now you're labeling me? Well-- you know, how about we stop talking and just kiss? Sorry.
Nice girls don't do that.
Hey there.
Come on in, ladies.
I ain't a lady.
I'm a boy.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's just, you said Didi, so I figured girl.
Oh, those are his initials.
Oh, well that's okay, you know? I'm just gonna keep the princess dress for me.
Listen, I'm just gonna go use the potty before we go.
That is such a mom thing to say.
Hey, when you're a hot mom, you can say anything and it sounds sexy.
How about "carpool"? Still sexy.
- Juice box.
- You are killing me right now.
Hey, Joe.
You gonna juggle? How'd you know I could juggle? Daniel, what are you doing here? No no no no no no.
This is D.
Daniel Davidson.
You met him two nights ago.
- What? - Yeah.
No Look at that.
It's the same kid.
Holy crap.
It's the same kid.
That means you're dating the dragon lady.
And you're dating the world's oldest frat boy.
Oh, gross.
Our things touched.
Hey, and just for the record, - Lauren, she's not-- - Not what? Not gonna believe what we just found out.
This is-- it's so funny, honey.
It's hilarious, actually.
Uh, guess what? Mel's dating Daddy.
Huh? It's a small world.
So small.
Ryder, it's 10:00 at night.
You're making breakfast? What's it matter when I do anything, Joe? Day, night, it's all the same.
I'm here all the time.
I don't get to see my friends.
And Holly dumped me because I'm a "loser with a drug problem.
" You know, I never thought I'd say this I miss school.
You're making fun of me? Yeah, I'm making fun of you.
You say that 50 times a day.
Here's a novel idea, if you miss school, why don't you try doing your schoolwork? All right, this art project has been sitting over here for three days.
Come on, look.
It says right here.
"Use recycled materials to make an assemblage that says something about yourself.
" You know, maybe I could use an old tire to say "I wish someone would run me over.
" See, we're popping now.
We're coming up with stuff.
I'm not inspired here, Joe.
At least at school I could see Laura Jenkins walk by in her belly shirt, and short shorts and leather boots, and I see the painful breakup with Holly is scabbing over quite well.
Look, man up, all right? Get your art project done by Thursday.
Thursday? When is Thursday, Joe? Tomorrow? The next day? I don't even know anymore.
He seems to be eating from the pan.
Yeah, he misses school.
Well, I guess it's better than smoking from the pot.
So tonight on your date, did the fact that we're dating two halves of a divorced couple seem to come up? Actually, it did, along with a very interesting anecdote that I promised not to repeat.
I don't want to hear it.
Here it is.
Did you know the entire time that your jerky boyfriend was married to Lauren, he never once-- never once bought her a birthday present? And would you like to know why? - No, I would not.
- Good.
I'll tell you.
She has issues with her birthday, and refused to let him acknowledge it in any way.
Well sure, yeah.
After he sent her that cringy singing Pirate-gram to her office.
Because "Pirates of the Caribbean" is her favorite movie.
Not anymore.
The guy got drunk and cut her leg with a sword.
That is not what happened.
- Yes it is.
- Oh, were you there? As much as you were.
Okay, this is weird, right? What we're doing? I know.
Normally we just argue about our own problems.
If we start to fight their battles, when are we gonna have any time for our own arguments? No no no no no.
We can't have that.
You know what the fix is? Mm.
I do.
- You're gonna have to break up with Eric.
- What? No.
You have to break up with Lauren.
I started dating Eric way before you two started going out.
It was the same day.
We had lunch.
You had dinner.
Lunch wins.
Look, I made a connection with the kid.
Okay? I have innate parenting skills.
No, you have inept parenting skills.
You didn't even recognize him.
He was wearing a hat.
Oh, he's a master of disguise.
Look, the kid likes me, okay? I mean, it's clear that I would be the greatest stepdad of all time.
Well, he'll like me too.
You do realize he's gonna be leaving for college in 12 years.
I've known you three years now, and I'm only up to like "meh.
" Well, I am not breaking up with Eric.
I'm not breaking up with Lauren.
- Fine.
- Fine.
I'm also not leaving this kitchen first.
Neither am I.
Damn, I gotta pee.
Whoa, what happened? You get fired? No.
I'm doing my art project like Joe's making me.
Oh, that's good.
See? Throw yourself into your schoolwork.
Could you not say "school"? I'm just kind of fragile right now.
For me.
It's for me.
Separate life coming through.
- Hey.
- Hey there.
- How you doing? - Sorry.
I know it was supposed to be just us, but Mr.
Responsibility didn't show up at school on time.
That's okay.
I love having the little guy around.
Oh, me too.
'Cause he's such a cutie.
Hey, you know what? Why don't you and Joe still go out, and Daniel can stay here with me.
Dad's fun girlfriend, Mel.
I don't-- - Really? You wouldn't mind? - Not at all.
Hey, kiddo.
Let's-- Oh, I got your nose.
Ohh! Real boogers.
Which I love.
Like all good parents do.
Hey, you know what? Why don't we make a cookie pizza? - I'll race you to the kitchen.
- Yay! See, the kid likes me.
Kid likes sugar.
Okay, Daniel.
You play with these bowls and spoons while I call the bakery and order a cookie pizza.
I thought we were gonna make one? Oh, but ordering is so much more fun.
But I like licking spoons.
Well, you can lick the phone.
Aunt Mel, I need your advice.
Zander is telling me what I can and can't do because I'm a woman.
- Is this about sex? - No.
- Drugs? - No.
Well, you know what? You are a strong independent young woman.
You can do whatever you want to do.
Well, except date a drummer.
'Cause that just ends badly.
Hi, yes.
I need a cookie pizza stat.
Mel Burke.
You have my credit card on file.
No hiding in the oven.
Sweetie? Are you sure you don't mind leaving Daniel here? Because I think he'd have a lot more fun with me.
I mean, with us.
Yeah, but if he stays here, we can go have some adults-only fun.
See you later, Daniel.
- Come on.
- Where were you? Your text said to meet you there at 4:00.
Yeah, and there is the school.
Oh yeah, it was so obvious that I showed up at your apartment.
Hey, I thought I heard your handsome voice.
Did we have plans? No.
My ex-wife sucks at texting.
And my ex-husband sucks at listening.
Okay, all right.
You know what? Hey guys, let's just all bring it down here a notch.
Okay? Clearly the texting thing has not been working.
Joe is absolutely right.
I am? What? It happens.
I'm guessing you guys haven't had an actual face to face conversation in some time? Bup bup bup bup bup.
Okay, tell you what.
Why don't we all go sit down.
Okay? Let's sit on the couch there.
Okay, let's go sit down.
We'll try to work out a little schedule here for the next week.
We can all act like responsible adults.
Yes, and I will take Daniel to the park.
Not if I take him first.
I want a tattoo.
Big one.
What are you looking for? Chinese characters, hearts, butterflies? None of that poseur crap.
I want the trashiest thing you've got.
Let me show you my fave.
Works for ankle, butt, or tramp stamp.
Oh, what-- Oh! Ew! No.
Maybe something trashy-lite, and perhaps something that requires a little less shaving? I know how to count to 100.
You showed us.
More than once.
I can tell time too.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
I'm very connected to this.
Let me have it.
It's old and valuable.
- I hate you.
- Here you go.
That was great parenting, Burke.
The way you just gave in to that manipulation.
Would you rather hear him count some more? That's a good point.
Can I have another watch? What happened to the one I gave you? I threw it in the hole.
Got it in the first time.
Oh no.
The storm drain? Joe, get it! Is it in there? Oh, there it is.
Hold on a minute.
No, I can't.
I can't quite reach it.
See, I have the girth, but don't quite have the length on my arm.
- All right.
Move over.
- It's big.
I've got to get it out.
That's my dead grandma's watch.
What's "dead" mean? That's nice, Burke.
While you're at it, why don't you just tell the kid there's no Santa claus? There's no what?! Nothing.
Grown-ups talking.
You never listen.
I sign him up for karate because he likes it.
He needs a way to work out his aggression.
I wonder where he gets that from.
There's people.
I'm sorry.
We didn't know anyone else was here.
I'm Lauren.
This is Eric.
We're friends of Mel and Joe.
Dragon lady and Peter Pan, right? This is just great.
That watch is Maybe it's time for a new one.
I'm getting this one out.
We just need a skinny tool to grab it.
I got one.
Okay, you're not seriously thinking about putting him down there? Oh, please.
I used to put my brothers down these storm drains all the time.
Hey, who feels like going on a little adventure to the center of the earth.
- Me! - You do.
Come on.
Get in there.
Yeah, I'm telling you, these storm drains were like a second home to us.
All the rich kids had tree houses, but we had the good old-fashioned gutters.
I got it.
He got it.
All right, buddy.
Here we go.
Now give me your hand.
Let's get you out of there.
Come on.
Come here.
Hold on.
Can you stand on your tippy-toes? Can I-- uh-oh.
Yeah, I can't reach him.
Okay, it's just a matter of taking the proper steps.
First I'm gonna take a deep cleansing breath And then I'm gonna panic.
Okay, thank you very much.
Fire department's on their way.
Hopefully they'll get here before it starts getting dark and all the rats come out.
The cute little rats.
I'm bored.
Aw, come on now.
There's lots of fun things you can do down there.
Let's play don't touch anything.
Especially if it has eyes.
Can I play a game on your phone? Fine.
Here you go, honey.
Just don't look at the photos.
Look, it's Daddy on your phone.
I said don't look at the photos.
No, he's calling.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hang up.
Hang up.
Daddy, guess where I am? You had to give him your phone.
You know what? I didn't put him down the storm drain.
Oh, like you're such great parents.
How much is this gonna hurt? You ever been shot? Not as bad as that.
Wait! Wait.
Don't even think about talking me out of this.
I know.
You tweeted "Getting a tattoo, hashtag don't talk me out of it.
" I just thought you should know.
No, I just-- I wanted to say that you were right.
Lennox, you should be able to do whatever you want.
Damn straight.
But if you were gonna get a tattoo, I thought maybe you'd want a custom design.
So you'd make me one? I already did.
That's really beautiful.
It's just the right amount of trashy for a nice girl like me.
You know how it is.
You turn your back for one second, and without any prompting from us and the kid just throws himself in a storm drain.
You know, kids are so curious.
That's what I love about them.
They're just so curious.
- Where is he? - Where's my baby? Hi, Mama.
What happened? Joe put me in a big hole in the ground and said there's no Santa.
What?! Well now, when he says it like that, it sounds bad.
She wanted me to get her watch.
Is that true, Mel? Well, in my defense, your son threw it in the hole.
And my phone, please? Aw, such a good kid.
And look-- a scratch to always remember this day by.
I don't believe you two.
You're both horrible horrible people.
Whoa whoa.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Eric, Lauren, let's just bring things down a notch.
I think we can all talk about this like calm, reasonable people.
You guys are breaking up with us, right? - Right.
- Yes, we are.
Okay, did you see the smile on Daniel's face when they pulled him out of that storm drain? That kid had a blast.
You know what? We'd make good parents.
We'd make great parents.
Look at the job we're doing with Lennox and Ryder.
They're clean.
They're fed.
They're doing great in school.
Well, you know, the one who didn't get kicked out.
You know what? One for two.
Batting 500 puts you in the hall of fame, that's all I'm gonna say.
Hey, Lennox.
What's new? Oh, not much.
Just this bitchin' tattoo.
How much do you love it? Enough to kill the guy that did it.
Sweetie, how could you do this without talking to me first? Relax.
It'll wash off in a month.
Honey, that's not how tattoos work.
Zander drew it on me.
It's not real.
I can breathe again.
I mean, even though I am hip and down with the tats.
I was gonna get a real one, but then I thought of you and I realized I couldn't go through with it.
You see? She hears my wise counsel in her head at all times.
I'm like a shapely blonde Buddha.
Yeah, actually, I just thought about how horrible that little faded pig tattoo looks on your-- Ah, not about me.
Wait wait wait wait wait.
Back up, back up, back up.
No, I want to hear more about this little piggy.
Like where does it live? Okay, it's a chubby devil.
And we will never discuss where he lives.
Oh, come on.
Give me a hint.
You sitting on him? Is he asleep between two pillows? - To quality parenting.
- Yes.
Quality parenting.
By the way, where's Ryder? I have no clue.
Oh, he's been in the garage all day with a bunch of duct tape and some box cutters.
Yeah, I was kind of worried about him, but not enough to go all the way back there and check.
Hey, buddy.
How you doing? Really good, actually.
How do you guys like my new school? Okay, you do realize this isn't a real school, right, honey? Yeah, of course.
This is my art project.
I miss school so much that I made my own.
You really captured it.
It even smells like school.
Yeah, that's grilled cheese.
And sexual frustration.
Well, how come you're sitting all alone instead of over here with your buddies? I can't sit there.
That's the cool kids' table.
You know what, dude? "A-plus," man.
Seriously, great work.
You keep this up, you can start building yourself a great college.