Melissa & Joey s03e04 Episode Script

Can't Hardly Wait

"Melissa and Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Ugh! Man, that was a long day.
I wish I could just flip a switch and be drunk.
Can you reach the top shelf where the good stuff is? I'd love to help you out, Burke, but I'm having a little bit of a problem here with my back.
Aww, were you so busy patting yourself on it that you pulled a muscle? No.
No.
I had a rough date this evening.
I met up with this lady, decided to take it back to her place-- she didn't want to wait.
Who can blame her? So we decided to crawl into the backseat of her cute little sports coupe-- Okay, hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it.
I'm sorry, did I lose you? No, just hold it till I'm too sloshed to comprehend your disgusting story.
Nothing happened.
I didn't get all the way in To the backseat.
Anyway, now I can hardly move.
And I'm probably never gonna be seeing Jessica ever again.
Well, you know, the research is clear.
The longer two people wait to have sex, the stronger the relationship will be.
According to who? Your grandma? No.
According to this new book that everybody's talking about, "Close Your Legs, Open Your Heart.
" If they make that a movie, I hope it's not in 3-D.
It's made me rethink my future relationships.
And I think you should too.
Don't you want a girlfriend? Don't you want love? Don't you want happiness? I just want this piercing pain to stop.
In your back? No, in my ears.
- It's all good - All good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right as far as I can see - it's all good - All good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right I guess you're stuck with me.
Good morning.
Well, it's about time.
Waiting here for I got to tell you the way you run this office is ab solutely gorgeous.
Oh, good.
We've been trying to run the office more gorgeously.
I'm sorry.
It's just that I didn't expect the chiropractor to be so You-- Hi! I'm Joe Longo.
Dr.
Mullins, or Chelsea, if you like.
I do like.
Let's take a look at that back.
- Okay, you want me to sit up? - Yeah, put your legs here.
- And your elbows - Okay.
How'd you injure yourself? Honestly, I was Trying to get something - in the back of a car.
- Hmm.
Okay, I'm gonna wrap my arms around you and lay you down.
Most women buy me dinner before they try that move.
Glad to see you didn't hurt your sense of humor.
Yeah, I'm not really even hurt that bad.
I just-- ahh! Oh! Yeah, no! I'm hurt.
I'm hurt.
All right, I'm gonna adjust you now, okay? - So take a deep breath.
- Okay.
- Hold it in.
- Right.
Count one, two, three.
Oh, Mayyy-yim Bialik! Are you all right? Actually That was great.
I feel fantastic.
Oh, that was nothing.
I'm not getting off this table until we have you in total alignment.
Bring it on.
Len, I didn't know you were working on a superhero short story.
And making it about a homeschooled kid is such a clever twist.
Oh, please.
That's not mine.
It's Ryder's English assignment for Joe, so you don't have to be nice.
It really sucked me in.
Yeah, the suck part is right.
Oh, hey, Ryder.
I really like your story, man.
You guys setting me up? No, I think it would make a killer graphic novel.
I mean, maybe I could do some sketches, if that's something you'd be into.
Wait, what? You want to team up with my creepy little brother? Have you been huffing your markers? You really want to work with me? Yeah, sure.
Awesome.
All right.
Let me just clear my calendar.
Done.
We can start right now.
So how do you see this guy? Uh, he's about my height, my build, brown hair.
So just like you except girls go out with him? Man, you totally get him.
Wow.
The origin story of the justice league of nerds.
God, boys get excited about the most stupid and useless things.
Ooh, jacket with lots of zippers! Did you see those buckles? Those buckles are hot.
I want to have babies with those buckles.
Are you gonna buy it? Of course I'm gonna buy it.
I have a responsibility to my constituents To look amazing.
Add to cart.
Hello, ladies.
Hey.
Well, your look-at-me walk is back.
I guess you're feeling better.
Yeah, yeah.
I saw this chiropractor, Chelsea.
I cannot tell you how fantastic she is.
Actually, um, I can and I will.
Oh, Joe met a cute girl.
I know how this one goes.
It'll be over soon-- the relationship, not the story.
What the--? Did you see that? She just took a shot at me.
Yeah.
She's growing up.
So you met a cute chiropractor and you're gonna ask her out? I already did.
We really connected.
The fuse has been lit.
And I'm thinking tonight Joe, this is what I was talking about.
You just met this woman.
You know, she cracks your back, endorphins flood your brain, creating a false sense of intimacy, and you fall for her.
It's a hormone rush that you can't resist.
"Close Your Legs," chapter three.
What's the matter with wanting to be intimate when you really connect with somebody? Don't you want a shot at a real relationship and not just quick sex? Hey, give me a little credit, Burke, all right? Sex with me is never quick.
Yeah, I'm sure it's long and drawn out.
Can't you see how waiting might do you some good? Yeah? Well, when you meet somebody that you really connect with, we'll see how good you are at waiting.
Oh, I can wait.
In fact, I have decided right now that I, too, will hold off on consummating a new relationship.
Oh, really? With who? I found him online.
He's Italian.
He's beautiful.
He's made from a cow.
All right, I'll just tell you.
He's an expensive leather jacket.
How is buying a leather jacket anything like having sex? Wow, you do not understand women at all.
Come on in.
This is, uh, me.
Well, that was fun.
I like a guy who's not afraid to sit through a romantic comedy.
Hey, are you kidding? Romantic comedies have taught me a lot of great lessons over the years.
Oh, like what? Um.
Okay, well, like if, um-- if a woman is playing with her hair when she's looking at you, that means that she That she likes you.
True.
And if you really want to impress someone, you should always just be yourself.
Unless you wear glasses.
In which case, you should get a makeover to a pop song and then be yourself.
Yes yes, exactly exactly.
But most importantly, romantic comedies taught me how to identify the perfect moment for a first kiss.
And that was it right there.
Everything okay? I-- I-- I just, um-- I don't want to rush this.
I mean, I had a great time with you tonight, Chelsea.
I just think that we should-- we should wait before we do anything big and open our hearts.
I don't believe this.
Yeah, me neither.
No, I mean most guys rush into the physical stuff.
It's such a turnoff.
My last date tried getting me to have sex with him in the backseat of his car.
Men, huh? I know, right? But you're not that kind of guy.
Couldn't be if I tried.
So I think you'll understand when I tell you that I'm a virgin.
You're what now? A virgin.
You're a v-- In what sense? In the sense that I've never You know, boinked.
"Boinked"? Oh, my God, you really are a virgin.
Look, I know it's old-fashioned, but I just always thought that my first time would be more meaningful if I waited for the perfect man.
So I hope you're cool with waiting.
Yeah.
Of course I'm cool with waiting.
I love waiting.
I'm a master waiter.
- Hey.
- Hey! How was the big date? Let me guess how long you held out.
Was the car still moving or did you wait till it parked? That's very funny.
That's very funny.
But as it turns out, Chelsea has us both beat when it comes to waiting because, um She is a virgin.
Like totally? Everywhere? She called sex "boinking.
" Wow, she really is a virgin.
Wow, I guess it's bye-bye, Chelsea, huh? No no.
That's the amazing thing.
I mean, yeah, we didn't have sex, but you know what? We talked and we talked.
It was actually one of the best dates that I've had in a long time.
And it turns out that we like the same movies.
We follow the same Twitter feeds.
We both love watching that video of those pandas sneezing.
Ugh, I thought it was gross hearing about your dates when you do have sex.
I'm serious.
Look, she is saving herself until she falls in love with the perfect guy.
I'm gonna wait around and see if that guy's me.
So if Chelsea and I do end up together, I have you to thank.
Happy to help.
Where are you going? It's a 11:00 at night.
Yeah, I know.
I'm gonna go for a run.
I don't know what it is.
Suddenly I just have-- I have all this energy.
This is what I was thinking for the cover.
So that's what I'd look like with muscles.
Cartoon me is a playa'.
I'm glad you like it.
Hey, nice work on the ending, by the way.
I love it when the hero learns that his sister is the devil's spawn and he has to behead her.
Just popped into my head one night.
So we still need a title.
I was thinking "At-home Boy.
" Lose the "At.
" Home Boy.
Home Boy! Yeah.
- Right? - Yeah.
All right, you know how we should celebrate this moment? Barbeque-flavored pork rinds.
It's like we're sharing the same brain.
I have a stash in the garage.
Zander, what are you doing here? I just text you and you said you were busy.
I am.
I'm working with my boy Ryder on our graphic novel.
So you're choosing to spend time with my dorky little brother instead of me? You better have a very good explanation for that.
And I do.
Because being here gives me opportunity to say that you should totally write this with us.
Why would I do that? Because we need you.
Yeah.
Because of our need for you-- a talented writer, which you are.
Right? Yeah, I suppose I could take a look.
Would you? All right, well, first off, you don't need the sidekick.
He's stupid.
We're kind of thinking that we need him.
- Lose him! - He's lost.
Um, that was my seat.
Uh, good news-- the best news-- Lennox has joined the "Home Boy" team.
When did we decide this? Just now.
Hey.
Look at you running again.
Sexual frustration is doing wonders for your cardio.
I am not frustrated.
As a matter of fact, Chelsea and I have had a great week of good old-fashioned clean fun.
That's right.
Yesterday we went swimming.
Perfectly innocent.
And Chelsea wore a bikini that was-- that was lovely.
And after she got out of the water, she asked me to put some sunscreen on her-- on her supple, glistening body, so I did.
And tomorrow, we're gonna go to her trampoline class.
So I can watch her bounce.
So you see? No frustration here.
All right, I admit it.
It's killing me.
Joe, look, I know I suggested waiting, but I meant four dates, not forever.
This is clearly cruel and unusual punishment for you.
Yeah, it's getting easier.
These shards of glass in my hand are actually helping.
Okay, look.
You have to be honest with yourself and with her.
If not for your sake, then at least for my glassware.
Are you telling me to break up with a woman because she won't sleep with me? I guess I am.
Huh.
This is what it feels like to be douche bag, huh? Yeah? Well, you know what? It's not gonna happen because what Chelsea and I have is special, all right? And I'm not giving that up.
No matter how much her body glistens when she gets out of the pool in slow motion.
How does she friggin' do that? You have to break it off with her before I find exploded pieces of you all over my wall.
And I just had these walls painted.
Well, it's not gonna happen, all right? Because I am not that kind of guy.
Suit yourself.
I got to break up with her.
Ryder, I really like what you did here.
I'm not surprised, since it was your suggestion.
Was it? Who even knows? I do have a couple of concerns though.
You know? Like, if Home Boy can turn back time in chapter 23, why didn't he just do that in the first chapter? Then he wouldn't get suspended.
Because then there wouldn't be story.
And why is the sister so controlling? Well, this is science fiction and in no way based on my actual life at all.
Zander, what do you think? Is the sister too controlling? I think, uh Lennox might have a point.
Oh, do you now? How about this? You boys come up with a new ending and then I'll come back and fix it.
That sounds good.
Dude, she is ruining everything.
Someone's got to tell her she's out of the partnership.
She's not that bad.
Different opinions are a part of the collaborative process.
Quiet.
Here she comes.
One more thing.
Zander, your sketch of Home Boy's costume-- can you make it a little less '80s cliche? Okay.
- She's got to go.
- Finally.
- Hi.
- You must be Mel.
I'm Chelsea, Joe's friend.
Oh, you're the vir-- very good chiropractor.
Yeah, I don't think Joe's home.
I know.
I'm meeting him later.
I actually came by to give these to you.
Oh, well, come on in.
Anyone with sugar is welcome in my house.
The lemon squares are just my lame excuse.
I came by to meet the other woman in Joe's life.
Oh, I'm not the other woman.
I've never done anything with Joe.
Neither have I.
It's okay if I laugh too, right? - Of course.
- 'Cause I know you're a-- - You know.
- You can say it.
Virgin.
It's not a bad word.
Well, it was in my High School.
Listen, since we're both kinda curious about each other, do you mind if I ask you How do I do it? Technically, how do you not do it? I just think there are more important things in life than sex.
Well, sure, but what do you do when you start feeling like , you know? 'Cause eventually we all feel a little , you know? If you have someone that you can let loose the with, then you feel so whoo! you know? But what do you do when you don't have the whoo?! I know.
Whoo is nice.
No, seriously.
I don't think you do because you're not even pronouncing it correctly.
It's whoo! Well, I guess I won't find out until it's the right time.
Although you do make it sound very appealing.
I am one of its biggest proponents.
Oh, my God, this is so embarrassing.
- What? - My friend Tawny just posted this video of me at aerobics.
I totally forgot my sports bra.
You what? I'm bouncing all over the place.
Yeah, you are.
Let's just put this phone away, okay, Chelsea? Um Look, I got to tell you something.
Okay? And this never really easy to say to somebody.
- Chelsea, you are an-- - Do smell smoke? Incredible woman-- what? Oh, my God.
That store over there is on fire.
Call 911.
- Joe! - No, no.
I'm gonna handle this, all right.
You stay here where there's no sex.
Danger! What did I just say? Sex? I meant danger.
Stay here.
I'm sorry if I still smell like smoke.
All I smell is heroism.
So look, um Chelsea, I was, um, trying to tell you this before the whole fire thing.
Shh.
Don't try to talk right now.
I've never seen anything like that.
You walked into a burning building while everyone just stood there watching.
Yeah, it's really amazing what a week's worth of testosterone will make somebody do.
You're the most amazing man I have ever met.
Oh, well, I-- Oh, my God, that feels so good.
That feels so goo-- okay.
Actually, you know what? Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait! We should stop.
Should we? I've waited 28 years for the perfect man.
And now I've finally found him.
You-- you mean me? The wait is over.
Oh, thank God! I'm so glad that I saved myself all these years for you, Joe.
And just think.
We're gonna remember this moment for the rest of our lives.
Yeah, we will.
Wow Oww! Ow! Oh! Oh.
My back! Oh, my-- I pulled it again probably when I was saving all those people from the burning building.
I'm gonna go get some ice.
Do you want me to get on top? Give you an adjustment? No! No.
I don't want you working on your night off.
That-- that-- Mel, look, I need your help.
Where'd you get that? Milan.
Second-day air.
Oh, is that the jacket you weren't gonna buy to show me how good you were at waiting? Waiting sucks, okay? "Close Your Legs" was written by a woman with 200 cats.
At a certain point, you just want to go for it.
Yes.
Yes, you do.
And to that point, Chelsea is upstairs in my room and she's ready.
- You mean-- - Yeah, uh-huh.
She's waving me home.
This is all my fault.
This is-- oh oh oh, I see.
A woman wants to sleep with me and you want the credit.
Yeah.
I sold her on the whoo! I had her curious and worked up.
And that's why this is happening.
No, no, no.
This is happening because I pulled three people from a burning building.
Seriously, which one sounds more believable? Well, mine actually happened, all right? And you'll see it on the news tonight.
The point is she's up there, and she's ready to do it and I can't.
Oh, Joe, there's no shame in that.
You know, there are pills you can take.
No, no.
Not that.
I can do it.
Trust me, I can do it.
The point is I don't want to anymore.
Okay? I'm gonna have to break up with her.
Okay, so to clarify, you were gonna break up with her when she wouldn't sleep with you.
But now that she wants to sleep with you, you are breaking up with her? - Exactly.
- Yeah, and they say women are complicated.
No, no.
It's just that Chelsea has waited her whole life to do this with the man she's gonna be with forever.
And I don't know if I'm that guy.
I'm not even sure I'm in love with her.
I mean, you could be with someone for years and not know that they're the right person for you.
That's true.
You could live with someone for years and still be unsure.
So what are we gonna do? What? About me and Chelsea?! Oh! Uh, okay.
You need to go back up to your room and tell her you can't do it.
Again, I can do it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, I get it.
Your boy parts work.
Just get up there, be a man and keep that girl a virgin.
Chelsea, look, I got to tell you something.
There you are.
I thought I was gonna have to start without you.
Ow! Oh, my back again.
My back.
I couldn't say it.
She's naked.
I could not say it.
So you have the courage to run into a burning building, but not to tell a naked woman you can't sleep with her? Look, I may be a hero, but even Superman has his kryptonite.
Fine, I'll do it.
It won't be the first time I've had to tell a horny naked woman it's not happening tonight.
Ready to go with the new ending? Lennox, it's been really great working with you on this project.
There's something I got to tell you and it's not easy for me to say.
What? Ryder wants you out.
I tried to talk him out of it.
I said we need you, but there's no talking to him.
Is this true? Yeah.
Yup.
It's all me.
Zander begged me to keep you on.
But I told him either you go or we ditch the whole thing.
Oh, whatever.
I didn't want to be a part of this stupid comic anyway.
Thanks for sticking up for me, babe.
Yeah.
And you I know where you sleep.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I totally panicked.
It's okay.
You're in a relationship.
You have a lot more to lose.
You gonna get a lot of crap for this? Yeah, but it bounces off me, 'cause, um, I'm Home Boy.
Don't ever say that to a girl.
- Duly noted.
- Okay.