Melissa & Joey s03e11 Episode Script

Fast Times

"Melissa and Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Why is Chocolate Tofu Chunk taking up space in my freezer? Excuse me, your freezer? Fine, your freezer.
That's ice cream for my boyfriend.
Noah likes it and I like Noah, so I want to keep it around for a treat, or a post-treat treat, if you know what I mean.
Unfortunately, I do.
Yeah, well, get used to it, because I think this relationship has real staying power.
Yeah, I've heard that before.
Right away, I knew we were a perfect match.
Mel Burke, public servant.
Noah Butler, public defender.
And I can tell you he is an expert at getting people off.
All right, I see.
There was a double meaning there.
That's gross.
Anyway, it's been 12 weeks, so we are halfway through stage one of my five-stage plan.
Do you wanna hear all five stages of my five-stage plan? I don't really think I have a choice.
Stage one; Get to know each other, six months.
Stage two; Talk about moving in, another six months.
Stage three; Move in together, talk about marriage, get a dog, name it something cute like Gary or Beans, 12 months.
Stage four; Get married, talk about kids.
Stage five; Mason, Brady and little baby Tucker.
You forgot about the stage where you get your head examined.
Can I tell you something about your practical, rational plan? Yeah, I don't think I really have a choice.
What happens if you crap out in stage three? I'll tell you what happens.
You're gonna slide all the way back down to stage one Except you're gonna be three years older.
And we both know you just had a little birthday that rhymes with, um Shmirty-shmive.
Hey, I look damn good for shmirty-shmive.
I'm just saying your plan takes way too long.
Come on, Burke, how many launch windows do you have left? What? Why don't you just just cook? I think these eggs have gone bad.
Shut up! You don't know anything! Oh, those eggs.
Carry on.
I guess you're stuck With me.
Woo-hoo! I got it! I got the internship.
Congratulations, Len.
I'm working at the "Toledo Blade".
I'm officially a journalist.
Well, actually, an unpaid intern.
Didn't like 80 people try out for that job? Mm-hmm.
And I crushed them all.
That's my little killer.
I start tomorrow at the city desk.
It's the hub of the entire newspaper.
Everything flows through me and out to the reporters.
Oh, plus I get to listen to the police scanner.
Ooh, if you hear about any speed traps, text me.
So I can drive extra careful like I always do.
Yeah, I don't think you're gonna be on the road when I'm at the desk.
- It's mornings from 6:00 to 8:00.
- Wow! I'm impressed, Lennox.
You know you're not exactly a morning person.
Morning? You're barely like a noon person.
I figure if I cut my hair and makeup routine down to 40 minutes, I don't have to get up until 4:30.
Oh, 4:30? Oh, that's great.
Because you'll get a full two hours' sleep.
Would it kill you to believe in me every once in a while? Yeah, jeez, Joe.
Would it kill you to believe in her every once in a while? You really think she can get up at 4:30? She still in the room? - No.
- No, not really.
- Hey, little Pookie.
- Hey.
Hey, big Pookie.
I'm just gonna call you "Noah" if that's okay.
Surprise, I brought you these.
My gift.
No boy has ever given me raw, cut up chicken pieces before.
I mean, who needs flowers and jewelry? So get this, I had to empty my refrigerator and leave my apartment right away.
My upstairs neighbor's tub overflowed and my place got flooded.
Oh, so now you've got an indoor pool.
A carpeted one, yeah.
Anyway, they said it's gonna take a week for the place to dry out so, I'm just gonna run downtown and get a hotel room.
Wait! Why don't you, um - Move in here? - Really? Here? - Like here here? - Sure.
Why stay in an expensive hotel? What have they got? Free porn and and little shampoo bottles? We've got that here! Here, these are for you.
You can stay here until your place is cleaned up.
So what exactly is the rent here? Oh, well, I was thinking about a barter arrangement.
Play your cards right and we can barter every night this week.
I'm even a fan of morning bartering.
- I'm gonna get my things.
- Mm hmm.
Okay, so I know that you're an impulse shopper, but that right there, that was completely off the rails.
No, that was on the rails.
What you said about my five-stage plan being too slow made a lot of sense.
I just put this relationship in the microwave.
Zip, ding, done.
Burke, everything that goes into a microwave comes out burning hot and tasteless.
Yeah, but I don't have to wait three years to eat my dinner.
Hey, what's up? Judging by the unhappy looks on your faces, I'm guessing you guys were interacting in some way.
No, Mel's Mel's boyfriend is moving in here.
So the house rules have changed? Just a smidge.
So if I have a lady friend who wants to stay over Dude, that's that's not gonna happen.
- It's a double standard.
- No, it's one standard.
You just don't meet it.
Are you up? Hey, Lennox.
Come on, wake up.
It's almost 5:00.
Go away.
Isn't today the first day of your internship? It's my first day! I can't be late! Where's my phone? Okay, where's my purse? Where's my purse? Okay.
Joe, get out of my way! Gosh, I can't be late.
You I gotta change outta my pajamas first! That was a good catch.
Mmm, you are so right.
This antioxidant decaffeinated green tea is great.
Who needs coffee with its dumb old caffeine? This egg white scramble was fantastic.
- Mmm.
- Thanks, little Pookie.
Yeah, well, be prepared for an incredible breakfast every morning, big Pookie.
Oh, hey, look at that.
I hate to pry myself away from the good life, but I gotta get ready for work.
- Mmm.
- Mwah! So let me get this straight.
You, Mel Burke, A.
Little Pookie You made breakfast? What, did you lose a bet? Not at all.
This is stage three.
- Blissfully living together.
- No, it's not.
Nuh-uh, that's stage one lingerie right there.
Everybody knows that in stage three you go to sleep wearing sweats and ratty old T-shirts.
Plus you're wearing lipstick at breakfast.
And why are we listening to the soundtrack of "27 dresses"? Because I listen to music every morning.
Well, I've always been meaning to.
Burke, living with somebody is about compromising and learning to work together.
You two guys are just playing house here.
- No, this is a real relationship.
- This is real?! What's real about this? Are you kidding? "I can't believe it's soy delicious"? Is this some kind of a joke? What, decaffeinated green tea? We both know you're a barking monster without your coffee in the morning.
I am not! Now shut your yapper and make me a pot of coffee before I get the shakes.
See? Now there's the Mel Burke I know and can barely tolerate.
Coffee! Now! It was a horrible first day.
Pike said I have to be there on time or I'm gonna get fired.
I was only five minutes late.
What difference does five minutes make? In the news business, I think it's the difference between um "The ship's about to sink" and "It was there a minute ago".
Lennox, honey, being on time is "work 101".
My first job I was a shot-glass girl at a bar in Daytona Beach.
I was underage, I was skimming cash off the till, but I was never ever late.
You couldn't have just said that you were never late? Look, I know you can pull yourself together and do this, because you are my big girl.
I hate when you call me your big girl.
Mmm, me too.
It makes me feel old.
How about "you rock, my sista"? Now you sound even older.
And we're back to "big girl".
You know, Lennox, I think you're gonna have to figure out a way to wake yourself up on time.
Any idiot can wake up on time and stop nannying me.
Hey, I'm the nanny.
That's what I do, all right? It's why I get paid the Humiliating bucks.
Here I am, roomie.
Sharing the bathroom with ya.
In my flannels with the happy elephants, because I'm real.
- You're real cute.
- Oh.
That's what the fellers say.
Hey, what's the bath mat doing there? That's not where the bath mat goes.
- Oh yeah, I moved it.
- But, well But I like my bath mat in front of the toilet.
That's why I put it there, Pookie.
I just thought it makes a little more sense to put it in front of the sink, because you spend more time there.
Well, hey, my freezing toes can adjust.
That's what you do when you're in stage three I mean, together.
You know, you talk about the little hiccups and you work them out.
So cute.
- And since we're talking about hiccups - Oh, we are.
That lotion that you put on before you go to bed? The one from France? That I love? That many French bees gave their lives for? Yeah, it's got a really strong smell.
It sorta gives me a headache.
Oh, okay.
Oh, well, I'm glad you told me.
- Thanks, babe.
- Yeah.
It was making my hands way too soft anyway.
- Oh, one more little thing.
- Oh goodie.
You know how you like to sleep with the window open and all the blankets piled on? And you love it too? Well What if you don't open the window? Then you don't need to pile on all the blankets.
- It's logical, right? - Yup.
Yeah, nothing is cozier than logic.
It's so much better.
- Yeah, what? - Smell this.
I see this is an emergency.
- What does it smell like to you? - It smells like you.
- And does it give you a headache? - You do sometimes.
Has nothing to do with the moisturizer, though.
Noah doesn't want me to use this anymore.
Yeah, and he made this fascist closed-window-no-blanket decree.
I can't sleep in there.
- You can bunk in here if you want.
- Thanks, Longo.
What are you? I don't understand it.
I was really trying to do stage three.
I was compromising, I was adjusting and it was killing me! That's because you're moving too fast.
It takes years to smooth over the rough patches.
You can't bend a man to your will overnight.
A woman is like A river that rushes and pounds for years against the mighty mountain, wearing it down until eventually it's just The Grand Canyon.
You know, sometimes you are so wise.
Yeah, well I've been pounded.
Hey - Is that good? - Yeah.
- Good night, Longo.
- Good night, Burke.
Sweet dreams.
Oh, and I didn't even tell you about how he tried to kidnap my bath mat.
Hey, Burke, this is not a slumber party.
- For God's sakes, Lennox! - Hey hey hey.
- We are gonna let her sleep.
- What about letting me sleep? It's scientifically proven that rest prevents pimples.
Look at my skin.
- Okay, that's it.
- I said let it ring.
All right, look, I am doing her a favor.
It's called tough love.
If I wake her up right now, I'm not gonna be helping her.
Internships are about learning things and Lennox is learning a very valuable lesson right now.
Yeah, that you're kind of a suck-wad sadist.
Hey, thanks for letting me crash on your couch last night.
No problem, as long as it never ever happens again.
Are you gonna go for that phony-baloney herbal tea again? Pfft! Screw that.
I'm going straight Columbian.
That's muy bien.
So I've been thinking about what you said last night and I get it.
Before we wear down the little bumps in the road, we have to wear down the bigger ones.
In two days, Noah goes back to his place it'll take all the pressure off the relationship.
I can survive with dry hands for two days.
You are Navy Seal material, Burke.
Morning, gorgeous.
Hey, Joe.
I don't know about you, but I slept fantastic.
So did Mel.
I'm guessing.
Anyway, I got this email from my apartment manager, it turns out they found mold in the walls, so they're gonna have to gut the place.
- Gut the place? - Is that something they can They can fix in two days? It's more like a couple of months, yeah.
But the good news is I'll be staying here with you a little longer.
I mean, if that's okay with you.
Well Two months.
Living here.
With me.
That is quite an attractive offer, but Well, I have to be totally honest with you.
I am having a contractor start work here next week.
Yeah, he's tearing out the heating and air Lots of duct problems.
He's gotta totally de-duct them.
Yeah, it's gonna be a real mess.
Right, Joe? Yup.
There's all kinds of messed-up stuff going on inside this house.
Yeah, I'm gonna be staying in Lennox's room, so I'm sorry, no room at the Inn.
Oh, well, you can't help what has to be done, right? I'll just move out of your house like we planned.
It would be so great if you'd just let this go without saying anything, but that's not gonna happen, is it? Not a frigging chance.
Why did you just lie to that guy? Because I honestly believe in this relationship.
But if he keeps living here, it's doomed.
I should never have fast-tracked this relationship.
It's time to go back to stage one.
Wait a minute.
You put your boyfriend in the microwave and now you wanna go back and put him on a slow simmer? - That's not gonna work.
- What do you know? When have you ever cooked a man? I know once you've burned 'em, it's time to move on to a new piece of meat.
Oh my God.
This is gonna be so epic.
Just wait for it.
My future is ruined! I just called my boss to tell him I was running late, and he told me not to bother coming in, at all.
Done! How could he fire me? He wasn't even paying me.
Lennox, you're gonna have to wake up when your alarm goes off next time.
That's not my fault.
My alarms malfunctioned.
All of them.
Really? Because I was walking by your room about 5:00 A.
And I saw you hitting snooze buttons like you were playing whack-a-mole.
You were there and you didn't wake me up? I wanted to, believe me.
I wanted to, too, but Joe said it was tough love.
Wait, you were there, too? Uh, I was sleepwalking.
And I am now.
How could you do this to me? Look, not waking you up was your wake-up call, all right? Come on, Lennox.
How are you gonna get up your first day in college? Your first day at your real job? Growing up means you've gotta take a little bit of responsibility for yourself.
You set me up.
You wanted me to fail.
It's called "tough love".
I can't leave out the "tough" part.
Uh, hey, Joe.
- Oi.
- Don't mind him.
Take this in the other room and warm up the couch for me.
So how'd your slow-cooked evening go, huh? What did you guys talk about? Oh, there wasn't a whole lot of talking, the language was mostly body language, which is my native tongue.
I thought you went back to stage one to talk about the big stuff? No, this is so much better No stress, no pressure, no nothing.
It's like a dream.
Sooner or later, you're gonna have to wake up from your stage-one coma.
Nuh-uh! Hey there, Pooksters.
I don't mean to interrupt, but I was just reading this magazine and I came across a very interesting relationship quiz for couples.
I mean, I'm not a couple, but you guys are and a great one at that.
- So how about I give it to you? - I don't think so.
You're gonna love this.
It's called "is it meant to be or meant to be over"? That sounds great.
Let's do it.
Yeah, sure, because you had two margaritas at dinner.
Three, and I'm ready to play.
See? Look at that, he's ready to play.
I like this guy.
All right, here we go, first question.
- "Do you want kids?" - Yes.
- All right, "how many?" - Three.
Two, but I can do three.
I bet you could.
Yo yo yo yo.
Okay, "where do you wanna live? City, suburbs, personal island?" - City.
- Jinx.
- You owe me a kiss.
- Okay.
Hey! Enough of that, enough of that, enough of that.
Okay, "school? Public, private or nuns?" - Public.
- Public.
Because we're both public officials.
Yeah, two of the cutest public officials ever.
We are.
Oh my God, can we not celebrate yet, please? - On the beach - At sunset - With 100 doves - And all of our friends.
And our dog Gary can be the ring bearer.
Hah! Meant to be.
So far, 18 for 18.
I was wrong.
This This actually isn't that much fun.
Whoa whoa whoa, quiz master, keep going.
What's the point? You guys are compatible.
Well, come on, next question.
We're going all the way.
This is the last question.
Thank God.
"Are you in love with someone else?" - Yes.
- What? I, um, her name is Larissa.
And we broke up years ago, but yeah, part of me will always still be in love with her.
But hey, you've gotta move on with your life, right? Wow.
You were ready to be in a serious, committed relationship with me, while there's still someone else you're secretly wishing you could be with? - I just wanna be honest.
- Really? I'm Second Place? Whoa whoa, hold on a second.
She's already married, okay? And don't worry, because after her, there is no one that I would rather be with than you.
That's what every woman wants to hear.
It says here some men actually like to cuddle.
How about that? Hey.
I'm guessing you aren't here to sleep on my couch.
I've got my own bed all to myself again.
Sorry, Burke.
I shouldn't have thrown that stupid quiz at you.
Oh no, you know what? You did me a favor.
It was a wake-up call, and unlike Lennox, I actually woke up.
Noah wasn't the guy.
But now I've got no guy and no plan.
And in a few years I'm gonna be Shmorty.
Relax, okay? Look, there's somebody out there for ya.
And you know what? Today more than ever, women are having kids well into their Shmifties.
I don't know.
How am I ever gonna be comfortable living with anyone? Look like you're pretty comfortable right about now.
Yeah, but that's because it's easy for me to be myself with you.
I don't care what you think about me.
I don't care what you think about me either.
See? This is why we get along so well.
Because deeply, way down deep, we don't care about each other.
Hey, you don't happen to have any Ah.
You know me so well.
That I do, Burke.
That I do.
So, Mr.
Pike, honestly, it's really kind of my fault that Lennox didn't show up.
I should've woken her and I didn't.
You see, Sir Wow.
Honestly, a simple no would've sufficed.
And your mother, too.
Hello? Hey, Joe.
- Thanks.
- For what? - I couldn't get your job back.
- Yeah, but you tried.
And it is my fault.
I should've gotten myself up.
You're right, you should have.
Maybe next time Oh! You can't even be gracious for 10 seconds.
I could if I wanted to!