Melissa & Joey s03e13 Episode Script

Teach Your Children

Melissa & Joey was recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Oh? Good, company.
I'm sorry.
Joe said it was okay if I waited here while Jeremy finished his tutoring session.
Sure, it's totally fine that Joe has turned my dining room into his lobby.
It's not your fault.
You're a victim as am I.
I usually use a glass.
All right, Jeremy, so look, this is actually a really good history essay.
Only thing is, next time, TMZ dude is not a reliable source for Abe Lincoln's summer romances.
Besides that, great job.
I'll see you Thursday at 4:00.
All right? And I will see you tonight at 8:00.
I can't wait.
So is this whole tutoring business just a front so you can find a date without leaving my garage? I don't find dates.
Dates find me.
Yeah, if the GPS is set to insanely large ego Take a left at delusional arrogance.
Mock away, Burke, mock away.
But you know who else finds me? Clients.
And I'm not even advertising.
It's all by word of mouth.
Yeah, well, I saw what her mouth was doing and there were no words coming out.
Just make sure that your little garage tutoring business doesn't get in the way of your real job.
Don't worry about it.
Tutoring Ryder is still my number one priority.
No, me.
Me! I'm your number one priority.
I need you to do important essential things for me.
Oh, speaking of which, did you get those two dead squirrels out of the gutter? I got one and a half.
Don't ask.
Happy not to.
You know as long as my needs are tended to, you can use your free time how ever you want.
Oh, why thank you.
Thank you, my most grand and beneficent leader.
Your generosity is only exceeded by the amount of money that you spend on shoes.
Keep it up.
I like that.
- It's all good.
- All good! - It's okay.
- Okay! - It's all right.
- All right! As far as I can see - It's all good.
- All good! - It's okay.
- Okay! - It's all right.
- All right! I guess you're stuck With me.
- What are you making? - Buffalo wings.
They come from a chicken?! I mean I knew they came from a chicken.
I just thought maybe you mix them with buffalo bits.
Is it okay if I tell you where angel hair pasta comes from? Hey, Aunt Mel.
Could we talk to you? We've got news, very big news.
Oh my God, she's pregnant.
Of course she's not pregnant.
Right, honey? No, no.
This is about college.
Oh, is about college, you can relax because I was already relaxed.
Well, you know we each got into five schools.
So this is the week where everybody has to decide which college they're gonna accept.
And you decided? Oh! Lennox, is it Oberlin? You'll fit right in there.
Actually, Zander and I have chosen to attend The college of life! Is that a Canadian school? No, we're not going to college.
Okay.
Let's hit the pause button on the kissing and fast forward to the 'splainin'.
Well, you know? Zander and I were so stressed about where to go and what our futures will look like.
And really college doesn't guarantee you a job.
I mean, look at Joe.
He's got an M.
B.
A.
No offense.
Actually, offense.
Okay, so tell us a little bit more about this college of life.
Well, we talked to a bunch of college kids and, they said that college is just a really really expensive beer pong tournament.
Exactly! Why would you want to pass that up? So instead of wasting our time and your money, we've decided to do the responsible thing Buy a used camper van and travel the country.
My cousin's selling it to us for Except for the breaks.
Oh, so you will be going nowhere fast unless you luckily run into a tree.
Perhaps the tree of knowledge.
We'll take part-time jobs here and there.
Zander will draw.
I'll write.
And we'll just grow so much as artists.
Oh my God.
Okay, growing, got it.
So you'll just tell the college of your choice that you're taking a deferment and you'll start next Fall, right? Oh, Aunt Mel, you knows who'll I'll even be in a year.
Oh, and if it's okay, can Zander stay for dinner? Because we just told his parents and they totally freaked out.
They're not as cool as you.
Very few people are.
Yeah, of course he can stay for dinner.
And we can celebrate your acceptance Into the van of life! That's great.
That's just great.
So Lennox has been busting her ass to get into a good school.
And now she's just gonna, what? Throw that all away to become the world's cutest hobo? Maybe she can make her own cardboard signs.
And use big S.
A.
T.
words like "will toil for sustenance".
Joe, my guiding parenting principle has always been to do the exact opposite of what my parents did.
When I announced that instead of going to college, I was gonna follow Depeche Mode for a year My parents cut me off.
- But you went to college.
- Yes, but I hated my parents.
That's why I'm gonna show support for Lennox's decision.
Trust me, after a couple of showers in a truck-stop bathroom, she's gonna come crawling back.
You know, ready to be cleaned up for fall semester.
And she won't hate me because it's her idea.
Yes, the corner stone of great parenting, being like by kids making bad decisions.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
I really should write a book, how to be right and pretty at the same time.
You're staring at my pizza.
Do you want a bite? You know I can't.
I've been a Vegan my whole life.
My moms are so Vegan, when I was born, they didn't even eat the placenta.
- I'm gonna put the rest of this away.
- No don't! I mean one bite wouldn't hurt me, right? You sure your parents won't mind? Maybe, but according to my Gestalt therapist, I'm at an age where I'm curious and should be experimenting.
All right, well, if you're sure you want this Mmm.
Well, now I know.
It's okay.
So I'm gonna put the rest in the fridge.
Mmm.
Okay, is something wrong? Because your tongue wasn't it's normal happy self there.
No, my tongue is fine.
There's just something I want to talk to you about.
Oh, hey, if it's the noise, don't worry about it because I put in soundproofing.
No, it's not that either, but good to know.
No, it's just I'm a little behind on my payments for Jeremy's tutoring sessions and I feel really bad about it.
And today I just got this huge bill from Jeremy's orthodontist Great call removing that extra canine, by the way.
It was beginning to look a little like shark week.
Yeah, he gets that from my ex who, by the way, isn't helping the situation.
I'm just not sure when I'm gonna be able to make up my payments to you.
Candice, honey, you know what? Don't worry about the money.
All right, you just pay me when you can.
You are so sweet and understanding.
Yup, that's me, sweet and understanding.
And also able to bench press twice my body weight, by the way.
Hey, blondie.
Hey, it's almost time for our annual trip to the Toledo book festival.
And I promise, this year I won't dress up like Katniss Everdeen.
Although I was the hottest one.
Okay, so check out some of these speakers.
There is a mother-daughter team that write about Vampire detectives.
They're just like us! Except that we don't write novels and we're not Vampires.
And why is your face like that? Thank you, Lennox Scanlon, for your deposit.
We look forward to seeing you on the Oberlin campus this fall.
You told them I was coming.
Well, in my defense, you were never supposed to see that! I didn't know they were gonna copy you on that email.
You pretended you were cool with my plan to not go to college.
And then you went behind my back and signed me up anyway.
You were just patronizing me.
Oh Sweetie, I would never do that to my beautiful, smart niece.
Admit it! Registering me for college behind my back was a betrayal.
No, this was about giving you options.
Some insurance in case your rock-solid plan of aimlessly wandering the country goes awry, which it won't.
Clearly, you don't trust me to make my own decisions.
I'm going out.
Take a jacket or not.
These are just options! What are you doing? We're just in the middle of a bad-ass game of Jenga.
Oh, I was just, uh, looking for some popcorn.
In the meat drawer? I couldn't help myself.
I had no idea food could have so much taste.
Ever since the first bite, it's all I can think about.
Well, let's just move you away from the fridge.
Yesterday, on the way home from family drum circle, we passed a billboard where this girl is eating a big, moist hamburger and the juices were spilling down her chin.
- I can't get the image out of my head.
- Yeah, I know that billboard well.
And then last night, I had my first meat dream.
I didn't know girls had those.
Ryder, I need to ask you something.
Would you make me A hamburger? Keira, I don't I don't know if I feel comfortable with that.
Look, if I don't get it from you, I'll get it from someone else.
No, your first time should be with someone who really cares about you.
Then I want my first time to be with you.
But if you're not willing to give it to me, I guess I'll just get it from some stranger at a fast food joint.
Oh! Hey! Hi, guys.
Um, look, I understand.
You're teenagers.
Your bodies are saying let's do this thing, but honestly, you're still too young.
I'm 15.
Okay, that's the age I was, but still - I've been doing it since I had teeth.
- What?! Eating meat.
I was gonna make her a hamburger.
- What did you think? - Pfft, that.
Obviously, that.
I've been a Vegan my whole life.
And Ryder game me my first little circle of pepperoni.
Ah, the gateway meat.
Ooh, you're gonna love bacon.
It comes in rectangles.
What I wouldn't give to try bacon again for the first time.
Now, where were we meat-wise? All right, let's not rush into things.
Tomorrow night, I'll make you a hamburger.
- Joe's special recipe.
- Thank you.
But, look, I want you to sleep on it, okay? Make sure it's really what you want because once you eat a hamburger You cannot uneat it.
So afternoons are usually very busy for me, but for a new client, um I can be flexible, Mrs.
Sheridan.
Maggie and I lost the Mrs a few years ago.
I just really want Mitchell to get into a good college.
But my ex thinks tutoring is a waste.
He says Mitchell is destined for a life of scrubbing toilets.
Are you kidding me? No student of Joe Longo's will ever end up cleaning other people's bathrooms.
Unless of course, through no fault of their own, they end up in the middle of a big financial scandal.
And they lose everything.
Anyway, just out of curiosity, how did you hear about me? Oh, my friend Candice.
She says you were amazing.
Oh well, Candice is a very perceptive woman.
So look, I bill on a bimonthly basis with a minimum of two hours per session.
Well, actually, I was hoping we could work out the same kind of alternative payment plan that Candice has.
What plan is that? You know, you take care of Mitchell.
I take care of you.
In fact, I could give you an advance right now.
Hey, sorry to wow! Okay.
You should really put a tie on the doorknob or something.
No, no, no, no.
Come on in.
Come on in.
Actually, Maggie was just leaving.
- At this very moment.
Go, go, go, go.
- Oh, okay.
Let me know when you decide on a payment plan - Okay.
- And if you have any special requests.
I got it! Thank you.
Okay.
This really is a full-service business.
What's your slogan? Raising children's grades and mother's skirts since 2013? Look, it was a big misunderstanding, okay? I mean, you know Maggie's friends with Candice and they got to talking.
Somehow, Maggie got the crazy idea that I take romance for tutoring.
Well, I just came down here to talk to you about this drama with Lennox, but this is way better.
So what exactly did Candice say to give Maggie that nutty idea? I have no idea.
The other day I was hanging out with Candice.
And she said she was gonna have a tough time paying me.
And I said, look, don't worry about the money for now.
And then you had sex? Well, yeah.
Oh my God.
She thinks I'm a prostitute.
No.
No, technically, she's the prostitute.
You're the John.
What? How? Because you paid for sex with tutoring lessons.
But I don't want sex.
I just want cash.
Well, then you're getting screwed because you are getting all sex and no cash.
But, hey, congrats, you're a businessman again in the world's oldest profession.
The good news is nobody can outsource booty.
Hey, there is no prostitution going on here, all right? Maggie just got the wrong idea from Candice.
- Yeah, sure she did, sugar pecs.
- Will you stop that? I'm gonna talk to Candice and figure this whole thing out.
Great, just make sure you do it after you've taken care of your other priorities like dinner.
Oh, and don't get any crazy ideas.
I'm paying you by check.
All you're getting is dinner.
Look at this, my nephew and my very favorite niece.
Hey.
Hey, how you doing today, Sweetie? Oh, she's not talking to you.
Thanks.
I pieced that together.
Can you just tell her I was trying to look out for her, which is what parents and guardians do.
Maybe you don't fully appreciate that right now, but later on when I'm dead, you will.
She likes the dead part.
Zander, hey.
So good to see you.
Come on in.
Uh, thanks.
Good to see you too.
Hey, babe, can we speak in private? Sure, loyal person who has not betrayed me whom I trust more than my own family! Wow, I have not seen such hostility since I last talked to my mother.
Okay, uh, you know what? Here's the deal.
Uh This is it.
I'm just gonna put it out there.
- The thing is it's complicated.
- Say it.
Remember how my dad wasn't talking to me after we told him about the whole year on the road idea? - Uh huh.
- He's talking now yelling really.
But, uh, he said if I don't go to college, he's gonna cut me off completely.
But if I do go, he's gonna pay for everything including all my art supplies.
And I go through a crap-load of paper.
Wait, what are you saying? Are you bailing on me? Lennox, I want to be an artist.
Going to art school is a good way to do that.
But we were a team.
What about our plan? Well, you can still go.
Are you crazy? A 17-year-old girl driving across the country by herself? Why don't I save time and bury myself in a ditch? - Babe, it's one trip.
- This isn't about bailing on the trip.
This is about bailing on our whole relationship.
I would never do that.
It sounds to me like you already did.
Just the way Joe makes it.
It's got pork, lamb, beef, bison, and just a hint of ostrich.
It's like my mouth is taking a yummy trip to the zoo.
I feel so good and strong like I could lift a car.
That'd be the bison kicking in.
Oh, oh.
That's Joe's Noah's Ark burger.
I'd know that smell in my sleep.
Geez Louise, this is better than choral singing.
Oh, you know, you should probably take it easy.
It's your first time and it might be too much for your body to handle.
- But I feel fantastic.
- Oh, here's a napkin you got a little No, no, no, no! No, she looks just like the girl on the billboard.
Only better and in my house.
- Uh oh.
- You okay? I think the animals are rising up.
Yup, yup.
Stampede! I need a bathroom.
Okay, follow me.
Quick, this way.
This way.
This way.
This way.
Don't forget to hold her hair back.
I wonder if there's something wrong with this.
Oh, what the hell? Woo.
Is that a new top? Yeah, you like it? I went on a bit of a shopping spree the other day.
You did? Oh my goodness.
Actually, you know Speaking of spending money, I think now might actually be a good time if we have a little chat about the specifics of the Payment plan for all the tutoring.
Oh no.
Why would we do that? This is way more fun.
Yeah, no, it is.
It's a lot of fun.
But I think now would actually be the perfect time because um I'm not gonna have sex with you until you pay me.
What are you, a Hooker? That is a very easy mistake to make.
No, technically, I'm the John.
You're the Hooker.
What? No, no, no.
No one's actually the Hooker though see, it's all just how it looks.
Okay, the other day, your friend Maggie came over here.
She asked me for the alternative payment plan.
Somehow she got this crazy idea that I have this whole sex-for-tutoring thing going on here.
Could you have accidentally told her that? I told her that I was deferring payments.
Oh, deferring payments, okay.
But you are gonna pay me, right? Because, I mean, you know, you just bought yourself a brand-new blouse and, I'm assuming that you didn't get that using the um Alternative payment plan.
- Excuse me? - That came out so bad.
- Yeah, it did.
- That actually came out worse than bad.
I'm I'm so sorry.
It's just been so confusing with all the talk about money, and sex, and tutoring.
It's hard to keep it straight.
What are you doing? I think this should cover it.
- No, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
- I almost forgot.
Here's a little tip for your extra services.
No, no, no, honey.
Candice, listen, it's really not how it seems.
I really do like you.
Can we just talk about it? A dollar, seriously? Wow, apparently you can uneat a burger.
I feel so stupid.
I can't believe I couldn't hold my meat.
Oh no, don't be embarrassed.
It happens to a lot of people their first time.
Of course, for most people, their first time is when they're a year old.
Let's just take it slow from now on.
You know? Like one animal at a time.
Shouldn't have eaten a whole phylum.
Thanks for understanding.
Let's get you some spelt toast and maybe some mouthwash.
Piece offering, coming through.
Since you're gonna be spending a lot of time in the van, I thought you should have a deluxe set of days-of-the-week air fresheners.
Monday is pine.
Tuesday is banana, which I would skip, personally.
Thanks.
Lennox, I'm so sorry I went behind your back.
It's not because I don't trust you.
It's just that you're growing up.
And I can't always be there to keep you safe.
The world is a scary place with scary people.
And boyfriends who totally bail on you at the last minute.
What are you talking about? Zander's going to college.
His dad bought him off with paintbrushes and a box of crayons.
Oh, Sweetie.
Will you go to college now too? I mean, whatever, I don't care.
I can peel the Oberlin sticker off my car.
I don't know what I'm gonna do, but do I have to decide right now? No, you don't have to.
It's your life and your decision.
And I'm really starting to mean that.
So speaking of your life, is Zander still in it? I'm undecided about him too.
It's okay to be undecided.
I'm undecided about a lot of stuff like should I go honey blonde, or strawberry blonde, or firecracker red? What's your natural color? Oh, Sweetie, who knows? So, at least one thing's been decided for certain.
Lennox and Zander may or may not still be together.
I'm just happy that my precious Lennox is not gonna be traveling around the country in that rolling tuna can.
What she going to be doing for the next year, anyway? Uh, who knows? It'll be a wonderful surprise for all of us.
Wait a minute.
What are we celebrating? That we have wine.
Raising children really changes you.
I can't believe I went behind Lennox's back to try to get her to go to college.
I know, imagine that, a politician going behind someone's back.
I am shocked.
I'm serious.
You did what you had to do like any good parent.
Take Maggie.
She was willing to sleep with me to get tutoring for her kid.
Parents will do almost anything for their children.
Anything.
Yeah, I don't see a line of parents waiting outside to pay you for sex.
Okay, for the last time, no one was paying you.
You were paying them for sex.
I cannot believe you two.
- It's not what you think.
- It's very innocent.
There was half a burger here! Who took it? Guess how Joe get's paid for tutoring.