Melissa & Joey s03e18 Episode Script

Independence Day

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Here, hold my egg rolls.
And don't eat any.
I know how many are in there.
Hey, you know what I just realized? Tonight is our first date, now that you and I are officially a unit.
So, Fu's Palace all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet was our first official date? I didn't think that through when I cut out the coupon.
Hey, you know what's really great about tonight? Is that there's gonna be no awkwardness wondering how this night's gonna end.
You know, will they? Won't they? 'Cause we know.
Well, you know, Joe, a little wondering isn't always a bad thing in a new relationship.
Of course not.
Hurry up, find the keys, all right.
You know, I think this went pretty well for a first date.
Me too.
Well, good night, call me.
What the hell was that? Hey, Mel.
Mel! I'm so eating these egg rolls.
Season 3, Episode 18 "Independence Day" That was very funny.
Love it.
Leave me out there on the porch.
Got to tell you, though My favorite part was when you put the deadbolt on and then slid the chain across.
Well, I wanted to make sure you got the message.
Clearly, you didn't.
But, Mel, you know, we're together now.
Don't you remember what happened in Jersey? I do, and it was very nice.
Yes, and then we got home and then Ryder had his appendectomy.
Then you came to the hospital and told me how much you loved me.
And I thought that meant we'd be getting back to doing a lot more of that Jersey stuff.
Look, Joe, I've been thinking.
Oh, geez, it's never good when a girl starts to think after a date.
Oh, it's just you and me, you know? I don't want to rush into this.
Rush into it?! We've been living together for three years.
Yeah, but we've been employer and employee.
Now we're two independent people hoping to be a couple.
But we skipped over all that stuff you usually do when you first start dating.
You know, like flowers, and candy, and, uh I don't know, a little mystery.
I'm experiencing a lot of mystery right about now.
What exactly do you want me to do? I want you to, you know, court me.
- Court you? - Yeah, woo me.
Romance me.
Win me.
With flowers and candy and the whole shebang? No, just flowers and candy.
Right now I want to postpone any shebanging.
So, what do you think? Sounds like a lot of work.
Well, I happen to think I'm worth it.
And any guy I'm serious about should think I'm worth it too.
Look, I think you're You know, but I got to tell you, I'm not really thrilled about the no-sex part.
We'll get to that eventually, but I want our relationship to take the scenic route, not the bullet train.
Promise me you'll think about it? Yeah yeah, I'm gonna think about it.
What else am I gonna do tonight? ___ Yes! I've beheaded you five times in a row.
Watching your head bounce down a hill with squishy sounds never gets old.
- You want to lose again, loser? - Nope.
But, you know, when the doctors sliced up my appendix, they didn't rub it in my face.
Hey, look, more of aunt Mel's doodles.
Uh, "M.
and J.
", with a big heart around it.
- Aww, it's kind of cute.
- It's kind of gross.
Aren't you happy for them? Absolutely.
It's not gonna last.
What do you mean? Mel and Joe are in love.
Their souls are entwined forever.
Yeah, you've been watching way too much "Twilight.
" All right, get up, little man.
It's time to die again.
All right, look, all I'm saying Mel and Joe together, I mean, it's It's like putting two fighting fish in a bowl.
It's fun to watch, but eventually you're gonna have to flush them down the toilet.
So Cruddy, Zander just texted that he wants to see me.
This totally goes against the rules of the pause.
You know, we agreed not to see each other until we figure out what we wanna do.
You know, I still don't get it.
Why don't you just save a lot of time and break up with the poor bastard? I can't do that.
We still have feelings for each other.
- So stay together.
- I can't do that either.
You know, in two weeks, he's going to Vermont for art school and I'm staying here at University of Toledo.
How are we supposed to have a relationship? Isn't that what sexting is for? Well, you'll never find out because now You don't have any sexting equipment.
What what button do push to re-attach that? Howdy, ma'am.
I hope your pa don't mind that I come a-courtin'.
I brung posies.
Well, I hope this means what I think it means.
Yes yes, look, I've been giving your whole courtship plan a lot of thought, all right.
Now I have to tell you, my first reaction Was calmed by a very cold shower.
But then, I got to thinking, all right? You and me taking it slow, treating this like a good old-fashioned romance It's actually a very good idea.
- Well, thank you.
- That I just had to improve a little bit.
- Improve? - Ryder! Lennox, get in here.
I have an announcement.
You see, Mel, I can't court you and win you properly while still living under the same roof.
What? Sure you can.
No, come on, I can't be living on my girlfriend's payroll.
You know? Guys! All right, ready? Here is the news.
I was down at Aldo's today doing a little shopping.
By the way, I challenge anyone in this kitchen to find me a better salami in all of Toledo.
And Aldo comes up to me and says they're looking for a new buyer for their gourmet Italian foods.
You're an expert in gourmet Italian foods.
Don't get ahead of me.
Don't get ahead of me.
Anyway, they might as well just written the want ad - "Joe Longo, get your glutes in here.
" 'Cause Aldo hired me as the new manager of wine and imports on the spot.
Huh? Botto! Wow, good for you, Joe.
- Yeah, congratulations.
- Thank you, thank you.
Oh, and guess who's going apartment hunting today at 5:00.
I'm hoping a gay couple on some reality show.
I bet it's not.
I bet it's Joe.
The kid's keeping up.
You're keeping up, huh.
So prepare to be won, fair maiden.
I hope you're ready, all right, 'cause, uh I'm about to court the pants off you.
If you guys need any more mysteries solved I will be up in my room, but, um, please knock first.
Uh, Joe, you know, a new apartment, a new job Isn't this a lot of change suddenly happening all at once? Yeah, that's what happens when Mel Burke comes up with an idea and Joe Longo makes it a little bit better.
Yeah, we are quite a team.
Oh, this is actually one of the apartments that I called about earlier.
This is a really good one.
Good afternoon.
Joe Longo's office.
Absolutely, let me just see if he's available.
Please hold.
- What the hell is he thinking? - I know, that accent is horrible.
No, I mean, I only wanted Joe to court me, you know? I wanted to prove to him I wasn't gonna sleep with him just because he bought me some Chinese food.
I stopped doing that with guys back in I mean, I never did that.
I don't want Joe to move out.
I like having him here.
But it seems like Joe's doing something he really wants to do.
Don't you want to be a supportive girlfriend? - Of course not.
- Aunt Mel! What? I'm just being honest.
It's not like anybody's filming this.
I'm sorry, I You know, I'm just not a big fan of change.
You remember how upset I got when they "improved" my Margarita mix.
But, you know, come on, change can be great.
You know, when Joe moves out, you guys will see each other less.
So the time that you have together will be more meaningful and exciting.
- It's actually kind of romantic.
- That's true.
I guess he's trying.
I should try too.
Just his idea's just so lame.
Hey, Mel, want to come with me today to look at some apartments? Oh, Joe, I don't think I Would be a very supportive girlfriend if I didn't.
Thanks, babe.
You're the best.
Lennox, am I still smiling? I can't tell.
That is a nice bedroom.
I can see doing some stuff in there.
This is By far the best place we've seen today.
Will you keep your voice down please? He hears you talking like that, he's gonna start jacking up the price.
You know, if you're interested, it'll be first, last, security 2850.
That's more than you said it was online.
Well, that's the basement apartment.
That went right away to the government housing people.
- This is all I got available right now.
- It is trendy East Toledo, Joe.
Everybody wants to live here, thanks to a certain council member who pressed for better public transportation.
Not to toot my own horn, but toot toot! So, my friend, are we home? I want to, but I don't think I can afford it.
Maybe if you can knock off a couple hundred bucks.
Keep dreaming.
This is East Toe.
Hey, look, talk it over, okay.
- Take the apartment, Joe.
- I want to, but I can't afford it.
- You can afford it.
- No no no.
I really can't.
See, he's charging a certain price.
I don't have that much money.
That's how you know when you can't afford something.
- I'll chip in part of the rent.
- No no no.
You cannot do that.
Yes, I can.
This place is great.
Take my money, so you can be independent.
I don't need your handouts, okay? It's not a handout.
It's a gift from an incredibly supportive girlfriend.
It's a sweet deal A hot blonde paying all your bills You're my hero.
- It's not like that at all.
- Sure it's not.
You're living the dream, my friend.
I'm not taking her money.
But you know what? I am gonna take this place.
- You just said you can't afford it.
- Yeah, well, guess what.
I can afford it.
You know why? I'm gonna call Aldo and tell him I'm gonna take some double shifts, maybe even triple shifts.
I mean, I like coffee.
When will you sleep? When I move into my new place.
That's when I'm gonna sleep.
All right, I'm taking it.
It's mine.
Whoo! I'm excited.
This is my place.
I got a great new apartment in a good, solid neighborhood.
Oh my God! Those kids are stealing my hubcaps! Hey, it's a classic! Apparently, he doesn't need you at all.
But me, personally, I got no problem being spoiled by a lady.
Well, I will let all my sugar mama friends know right away.
Is it the painkillers I'm on, or are you actually preparing food? - I'm making breakfast for my man.
- Thanks, aunt Mel.
Not you.
You know, I just had surgery.
You know what? You can have the practice omelet.
It's in the sink.
You know, I feel like I haven't seen Joe in days.
Yeah, that's because you haven't.
But that's okay because we're being supportive.
Just taking advantage of the precious time we do have together.
This black stuff on the omelet, that's that's pepper, right? Yeah, let's go with that.
- Good morning, guys.
Remember me? - I didn't hear you come in last night.
Midnight, baby.
Double shift.
- Another one tonight.
- Well, then Somebody needs a hearty breakfast made by his girlfriend.
I cooked.
This is so sweet, Mel.
- Yeah, sit sit.
- Wow.
This is our time together.
- Okay.
- You know, you and me.
Mel and Joe.
- This is nice.
- Yeah, this is nice.
Awesome, we got crabs.
What? Fish market just texted me.
They got their crabs in.
If I leave right now, I can beat the buyer for Alfredo's gourmet down there and snag all the good ones.
- Well, what about your eggs? - Oh, my eggs.
Yes, you worked so hard on these.
Oh my goodness.
Mmm, amazing.
Amaz there's a lot of shells in these.
I love you, though, okay? I'll see you tonight, all right? But probably not, okay? Okay, honey, what's new? Oh, uh, you probably already know this, but the new Madden just came out.
And it has this new hit stick feature.
So you can juggle the ball out of the receiver's hands and force a fumble.
It adds a whole new dimension to the Dynasty mode.
It's crazy.
Well, thanks, that That perked me right up.
Lennox, I had to tell you this in person.
We could be so good together.
Zander, this can't happen.
We can't violate the pause.
Pause? This isn't about the pause.
No, this is about Cassandra.
I was going through some old emails and I found those short stories you wrote.
They're fantastic.
Okay, wait.
You violated the pause because of some of my old fiction, which should have gotten the senior prize for English.
But, you know, whatever.
I'm over it.
But I had a revelation.
Your character Cassandra would make a really great web series.
She's dry, she's cool.
She doesn't move around a whole lot, so she's incredibly easy to animate.
Wait, so you didn't come here to un-pause us? No, this is about a collaboration.
You write.
I draw.
Check it out.
Look at her.
She's cute, huh? You did all that? Yeah.
Oh, wait.
Wait for the eye roll.
Wow, that's pretty cool.
There's no reason we can't still work together while we're on pause, right? No.
No reason at all.
Aunt Mel, why are you eating the tornado food? Isn't that for emergencies? Well, this is a love emergency.
My boyfriend's been missing for days.
Aww, that's so sad.
Anyway, can I tell you about my stuff now? - Zander came over today.
- Really? So he violated the pause? Well, not technically.
He wants us to collaborate.
He wants to animate my Cassandra short stories.
Hmm, and what are your thoughts on that before I say mine? Well, clearly Zander can't stand not being with me.
But if we're working side-by-side, the next thing you know, he's smelling my hair and telling me I have the face of an angel.
And then he's back to worshipping me.
Been there.
You know, it's tricky to work with an ex.
You just have to be professional, and don't lead him on, and maybe cover up a little.
This is great.
You help me with Zander and I helped you with Joe.
Ha! Are you kidding? Your advice was terrible.
I said be supportive.
You also said that being apart would be exciting, and it's been awful.
Okay, ever since Joe took that double shift down at Aldo's, I never see him.
I don't know if I can do this anymore.
Aww, what a shame.
You're almost out of your favorite wine.
- No, I'm not.
- No, trust me.
- You're completely out.
- What? Hey, are you out of your mind?! That's good booze.
All gone.
There's only one place you can find this Chianti - a little shop called Aldo's, where Joe works.
Oh my gosh, you're right.
- And you have to go there, now.
- Okay, now that's good advice.
Ooh, this is so exciting.
We're probably gonna kiss, but that's it, because he's still courting me.
Ooh! I'm gonna see my boyfriend I'm gonna see my boyfriend.
I love you, aunt Mel, but if we'd gone to high school together, I don't think we would have hung out.
The way you waste booze, definitely not.
Mel? I know you're closed, but it's an emergency.
- What happened? - I'm out of Chianti And you.
- Wow.
- I miss you.
Now I know you want to be an independent man, but meanwhile, I'm an independent lonely woman.
And it's gonna take more than a cup of noodles to keep me warm.
Yeah, well, it's gonna take a lot of double shifts if I want to get into that apartment.
But you know what? I told Aldo tomorrow night I'm taking off so I can take you out on a proper date.
I don't know if I can wait that long.
Gosh, you're all heated up, huh? What happened to the playground is closed while we're taking it slow? Well, the slide is off-limits, but you can go nuts on the swings.
I'm not sure I get that.
You can steal third, but I'm not waiving you home.
Ah, okay.
You know what? Mel Mel Mel.
I want to.
I really do.
But you know what? I promised Aldo I would get all the inventory done tonight.
So, tell you what, wait up for me.
I will be home in two hours, tops.
Doesn't inventory take all night? Well, I'm a highly motivated man.
- Hmm.
- Okay? Oh, I Mel.
I really got to Okay.
All right.
What the hell is this?! Oh, Aldo! Are you having sex on my sandwich board?! Oh, no no no.
Just some over-the-blouse stuff.
You know, he's still courting me.
This is why you wanted all the double shifts, to use my shop for some filthy secret cheating?! No no no no.
I'm not cheating.
She's my girlfriend.
Aww, that's the first time you've introduced me to someone as your girlfriend.
- You're fired.
- Fired?! - Hey, I got you crabs.
- Out! And take that defiled caciotta with you.
What did he call me?! He was talking about the cheese.
Oh, and then Cassandra tells Ethan she knows he didn't read Schopenhauer.
I can animate a photo of Schopenhauer Monty Python-style.
Oh, oh! We could make that a recurring leitmotif in the series.
You know, Cassandra interacts with historic and literary figures.
Characters from novels and plays.
And tells them what they're doing wrong.
- That's fantastic.
- Oh, you're the best.
- Oh, why'd you kiss me? - I don't know.
A high-five seemed insufficient? So does that mean, uh, we're not on pause anymore? Yeah, I guess we could always pause the pause.
So like, hit play? Ah, what the hell? Aunt Mel, I have something to tell you.
Zander and I are back on.
Sort of.
- What does that mean? - Ah, I don't know! - I don't want to talk about it.
- Well, here's a piece of advice.
Don't go down to where he works and get him fired.
What did you do? I don't want to talk about it.
Uh, I'm not sure that's safe to eat.
Aldo caught us making out.
- On the cheese? - On the cheese.
Yeah, and now Joe's got no job and no money for a new apartment.
And he's running around the neighborhood right now, trying to work off his anger.
Well, I know this wasn't exactly your plan, but you got what you wanted.
- He's stuck here now.
- Huh, that's true.
Yeah, you know.
He can stay here as long as he needs to.
I can be there to pick him up when he's down.
I can be his supportive girlfriend.
Ladies, it's a great night, isn't it? Joe, look, you don't have to hide it, okay? I know you're devastated.
Actually, Mel, I've had a realization.
You know, being in somebody's house, taking care of a family, it's actually very satisfying work.
Aww, that is a great way to look at things.
Ew, you're sweaty.
Of course I want to be back in the business world.
And I will one day, but you know what? For right now, I'm very happy just shaping young minds and making a home run smoothly and just doing something real.
Yeah, and you can do that here as long as you need to.
No, uh-uh.
I just ran into Zev Buchwald when I was out on my run.
He was standing in his front yard with their very colicky baby.
Apparently, their nanny just quit.
She threw in the diaper.
Anyway, he offered me the job on the spot.
And, you know, seeing the desperation in his eyes, I did what any good business man would do.
I gauged him.
- Wait? What now? - Yeah, and it's live-in.
So now I got a job and a place to live.
Oh, and they're providing me with a company car.
Well, it's a minivan, but it's red, so That's cool, huh? Well, if you're happy, I Must be happy too.
Now that I'm an independent man, our courtship can kick back into high-gear.
But not tonight because I have to go upstairs, pack, and move out.
- Now? It's almost midnight.
- I know.
I'm already on the clock.
After 9:00 P.
, it's time and a half, by the way.
Yeah, the guy's so sleep-deprived, he's been like agreeing to everything.
Aww, aunt Mel.
Look, I know you're not real happy right now, but does it help at all that Joe would have never been able to turn things around if you hadn't been such a supportive girlfriend? Not really.
Uh, you okay, aunt Mel? Yeah, just having a glass of wine with Joe, like we always do.
But Okay.
- To us.
- To us.
It's great we can still catch up at the end of the day over a glass of wine.
Hey, did you hear that a brand-new Madden just came out? What am I talking about? You don't want to hear about that stuff.
Are you kidding? I heard there's a new hit stick feature.
You can actually knock the ball right out of the receiver's hand.
I didn't know you like football.
I have to tell you all about my fantasy football draft.
Stop stop stop.
I was faking it.