Melissa & Joey s03e20 Episode Script

Feel the Burn

"Melissa and Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Why are you in exercise clothes? I was exercising.
No, seriously, was everything else dirty? I just did the cardi-yoga class in the park down the street.
Was that some kind of court-ordered punishment? Can't someone just exercise because it's good for them? All right, all right, Miss Eyebrow.
A couple of weeks ago at a charity auction, I paid for a ten-course gourmet meal at the uber trendy restaurant 13 Tables.
My plan is to savor every bite totally guilt-free because I will have burned off all the calories in advance.
Actually, that's pretty clever.
Hey, this is more than just a pretty picture.
with celebrity chef what's-his-name? Yeah, Malcolm Sunderland.
Oh, just saying his name makes my mouth water.
And isn't his place famous for its flaming cheese? Yes, they have cheese and fire.
I mean, it's like a Las Vegas show for your mouth.
And Joe and I get to enjoy a romantic dinner at the chef's table right inside the kitchen.
Wow, they let you sit in the kitchen? Maybe for another $200, he'll let you wash the dishes.
It's Chef Sunderland, okay? I would pay to lick those dishes.
Mel, what is up? I was just running by the park and I saw you standing there with a bunch of strangers doing some half-ass jumping jacks.
Those are jumping jills, and jumping is optional.
Yeah, then I saw you take a nap.
Oh, that's savasana.
It's my favorite part.
You know what's not the best exercise? Sleeping.
You guys look like a bunch of civil war re-enactors in lycra.
Why are you guys all giving me a hard time about exercising? I'm not.
I'm actually giving you a hard time about hiring some stranger to be your trainer when you could've hired the same amazing trainer that I use.
You know? Me.
Thanks for the offer.
No no, seriously.
Come on.
This could be another fun couple's activity that we could do together, you know? Finding new and interesting ways to raise our heart rates until we're both grunting and sweating like animals.
Okay, that's my cue to leave.
Wait, I thought you wanted us to get together.
Yeah, but I didn't want a front-row seat.
Look, Joe, I just think it's a good idea to keep our personal lives and our exercise lives separate.
What? Why? Because I don't want you seeing me all sweaty and nasty.
Too late for that, baby.
All right, seriously.
Just give me a running start.
Melissa and Joey 3x20 - Feel the Burn Original air date February 5, 2014 Mel, look, you can hire whoever you want as your trainer.
- Okay? - Oh, may I? But you're making a mistake.
- I'll learn to live with that.
- All right, fine.
- I'll drop it.
- Great.
- After I make one last point.
- Okay, see, this is not dropping it.
This is throwing it ping in my face.
I'm just saying, I've been spending years developing an amazing exercise program, okay.
I know what works because well, because here are two reasons, okay? One And, uh, two That's not as hot as you think it is.
Look, I'm just saying I know what works on me because I'm hard working and I'm dedicated, but it would really be interesting to see if it worked on somebody who was almost completely sedentary.
But but who who who makes that look very sexy.
You know, this system of yours, do you have a name for it? - Let me guess.
- No no, don't try and guess, okay, because it's taken me, like, years to come up with the perfect name.
Longo Fit? Did you peek in my diary? You keep a diary? No.
Look, Joe, I'm happy with my class in the park with my friends.
Okay, I'm sure it's not as intense as yours.
And I know you do a great job, but, just, I like having fun.
Oh oh, I see.
So you don't think that doing something with me as a couple would qualify to you as fun.
- I didn't mean that.
- It's what you said, isn't it? Oh, come on.
Don't look so sad.
- Let me punch you in the stomach.
- No.
Don't try and cheer me up.
You really think someone's gonna shell out real money for our little web series? Absolutely.
But we won't know for sure until we hit send.
Whoa, okay, you know it's just that sending it off to be judged by the editors of the world's coolest websites That make you nervous? Nope.
Oh, you did it.
You just you just did it.
You just hit send.
It'll be okay.
All right, it was time to send our baby out into the world.
Okay, yeah, you're right.
You know, I just feel really good about this.
Are you talking about our web show or us being back together? All of it.
Aw, look at you lovebirds.
You would never know that one of you is about to fly far far away to art school in Vermont.
Oh, 700 miles from here.
But you know what? You are doing the right thing, enjoying it while you can.
Hey, were you serious the other day when you said you could do a better job teaching my exercise class? Absolutely.
Any time.
I'm your man.
Everybody, come on.
What is this? Well, our regular teacher had a little A bench-warrant-for-arrest thingy.
- Say what? - Well, it turns out, some of his clients' amazing results were due in part to him performing liposuction without a license.
Wow, we've gotten to that point where you can't even trust strangers in the park anymore.
Hey, everybody.
This is Joe.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Find a spot.
- Wait, what? Why why why did you bring them to me? Well, they're dressed and ready for class.
I figured why not give Joe Longo a shot as a trainer.
Thank you.
Hey, this means a lot to me.
Uh, ladies, okay.
Welcome to Longo Fit.
Well, look, um, this class is not gonna be easy, but I promise you, you are all gonna have - an awesome time.
- Oh, go Longo Fit! See ya.
Wait wait wait.
Aren't you gonna stay and work out? Well, yeah, I'm gonna work out.
Just it's time for my morning savasana.
Mel, um, it's not exactly a ringing endorsement of my class if you don't stay.
I mean, it would just mean the world to me if you would be here.
Okay, if you're gonna play the guilt card, I guess I could be your voluptuous spokesmodel.
Okay, here we go, ladies.
Get ready.
This is gonna be insanely fun.
You are here because you are weak.
Uh Who said you could stop? I can't do anymore.
Wrong answer.
Sergeant Longo tells you when you can and can't do anymore.
Hey, Serge, how about a water break? Fine.
Water break, everybody.
Hey, water only.
No snacks.
No yapping.
This is so cool.
Yeah, fantasy come true for some actually, just you.
Hey, Mel, you know what? I think Longo Fit could really be a business.
Yeah, maybe, you know, if you ease up a little bit.
What? Come on.
These women love what I'm doing.
I thought child birth hurt.
You're killing her.
She's fine.
Yo, walk it off! All right, ladies, we're back in.
Let's go.
On the mats.
Come on.
We're in.
Let's move it.
Let's move it.
We're launching.
We're launch What is this? Come on, ladies.
Everybody, sit in your air chair.
Launch! Here we go.
Here we You call that a launch? Sorry, Sergeant Longo.
I'll do better.
You know he's not a real drill sergeant, right? He's more like Captain Crunch.
Hey, no talking, all right? Come on! 30 seconds, ladies.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Only if you want to, sweetie.
You know what, Tandy, Mel's right.
Why don't you just relax for the rest of the day? See, you can be a sergeant with heart.
Yeah, the rest of the class will make up for it by doing an extra Everybody else is in.
You can't do that.
That's collective punishment.
Oh, so you're finally starting to realize what's going on in here.
Let's go, ladies.
Come on.
There's no breaks.
Let's go.
Look, none of you have to do this.
Hey, Mel, if you keep being disruptive, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Ladies, just everybody go at your own pace.
Okay, that's it.
You're out.
What? You wouldn't kick out your own girlfriend.
I just did.
See you.
Okay, these women, they came in with me and they're gonna leave with me.
Right, ladies? Well, the people have spoken.
All right, ladies, we're back in.
Jump squats, let's go.
Let's make a change.
I have donuts in the kitchen.
What kind of sad, broken people choose squats over donuts? Come on.
Come on.
Ryder, our deal was you can go to the music festival if you checked in twice a day.
Instagraming a picture of two girls wrestling in the mud does not count.
Call me back in three hours, okay? I'll be here all night.
I'm supposed to go to this fancy restaurant with Joe, but then he kicked me out of his exercise class and now we're in this huge fight.
And I hello? Okay, I choose to believe his battery just died.
No, you hang up first.
Hello? He hung up on me.
Aw, I love that Zander hates couple cliches.
Oh, we've been talking.
And we decided that we're going to have a long-distance relationship.
Good for you.
You guys might be the ones to make it work.
Uh, wait.
What do you mean, "we might be the ones"? Honey, look, the thing about long-distance relationships is that sometimes they Never work.
- Never?! - Well, look, Lennox.
Everybody plans on staying with their high school sweetheart, but then the next thing you know, you're at college and the older guys ask you to this really cool party, and the next thing you know, you're upside down.
Then the rest of the freshman year, everybody's calling you the Keg Queen.
Aunt Mel, I don't think I'll ever be Keg Queen.
Well, not with that attitude you won't.
Seriously, though, look, college is a whole new world.
And you become a different person.
And high school relationships tend not to survive that.
Ugh, who am I kidding? You're right.
Zander and I are doomed! No no no! Look, maybe the rules don't apply to you and Zander.
Look, you just played that you-hang-up-first game.
And he immediately hung up on you.
You know, you guys are artists.
You'll make up your own rules.
It kind of sounds like you're trying to lamely weasel your way out of an awkward conversation.
Like I would do that.
Ooh, you know, it is smoke-detector-awareness month.
I should check some batteries.
What are you all dressed up for? Our big date tonight? Wait a minute, that can't be what you're wearing.
And what you're eating a sandwich?! We got ten gourmet courses coming our way tonight, one of which is flaming cheese.
We can't go on a romantic date.
We're in the middle of a huge fight.
We are? You didn't know?! Nobody told me.
You kicked me out of your exercise class.
What? I didn't kick you out of there.
You didn't want to be there, come on.
And then you tried to start that little mutiny with donuts, but look Let's just put all that aside, all right, and go enjoy this amazing dinner.
But that there hasn't even been an apology.
All right, look, I'm going to take care of that right now.
Okay, you don't have to apologize to me.
Oh, apologize you to you? No, you need to apologize to me.
This is actually starting to seem like a little bit of a fight now.
Yeah, it's been one for some time.
Keep up.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Honey honey, look look You spent a lot of money on this dinner tonight.
Okay, all I'm saying is let's just put our differences of opinion on hold, okay? Go out, enjoy ten amazing courses, then we can come back home and pick this fight up right where we left off.
'Cause I have a hunch someone's gonna remember exactly where that was.
So you just want to ignore our feelings for four hours? No no.
Not ignore.
Put them aside To make room for flaming cheese.
Say it again.
Flaming cheese.
What fight? You know, Mel, I have to tell you.
I'm really happy that you spent a lot of money and won that charity auction thing because I think tonight's dinner is gonna be very special.
Mm-hmm, I'll tell you what else is special, getting kicked out of my own garage for trying to help you.
See, I knew you could set it aside.
Have you decided on the wine? - Yes.
- Yeah, we're gonna have a bottle of the 2012 Il Gomito.
Well, no need for me to weigh in.
Your opinion is just good enough for everybody.
You know what? I just figured it out.
It just hit me.
Yeah, for the last three years, you've been the one calling all the shots.
And today, in my class, I was the one making the rules, and that made you feel uncomfortable.
Oh, so you have all this built-up resentment and kicking me out today was payback? No, it's Longo Fit.
I'm Longo, all right? We go by my rules.
If it was Burke Fit, we'd be following your rules.
We'd probably all be doing bicep curls with wine glasses.
See, now, I'd sign up for that class.
Pardon me, it is my great pleasure to present to you Chef Malcolm Sunderland.
Good evening.
Welcome to the Chef's table.
So our first course is a pan-seared Coho salmon rubbed lightly with lemon pepper and kissed with a squirt of lemon juice.
Ooh, all this kissing and squirting makes it sounds so dirty.
Oh, yeah.
I can definitely put our fight on hold for this.
Oh my God.
Ugh! Thing's raw.
It's awful.
No, it's seared to perfection.
No, Mel, look at this.
See that color right there? That's the color of a family of intestinal parasites that are packing their bags and getting ready to move into my digestive tract.
Well, now I'm hungry.
No, there's excuse me.
Chef Malcolm, dude.
I don't really know what to call him.
Yes, sir, is there a problem? Yes, I think there's been a mistake here because, um My salmon, it's still swimming upstream.
It's uncooked.
Oh, no, this is seared.
And this is the way it's supposed to be.
Yeah, if you're standing in the river and you happen to be a bear.
Maybe you should try it and you might really like it.
Look, I appreciate it, but I sort of know what I like.
And I think what I would like he's he's walking away while I'm talking to him.
Why is he walking away while I'm talking to him? Joe, let it go.
Okay, this is what we paid $400 for.
To eat the food the way the man in the big white jacket says it should be made.
Maybe he knows something.
It is his kitchen.
Yeah, well, I'm the customer, all right? And you know what? If he's not gonna fix it, I will.
What? Joe, sit down.
You can't do this.
There are rules.
Trust me.
I got everything under control here.
Sir, what are you doing? Hate to tell you this, pal, but your job.
Sir, put my spatula down.
I will, just give me like two minutes.
That is unacceptable.
Leave my kitchen now.
I haven't even had dinner yet! Well, maybe if you get in your car and drive around the block, you may find some nuggets that suit you just fine.
Now leave.
You know what? I'd be happy to.
Come on.
So I guess I'm kicked out too, huh? Absolutely not.
That's collective punishment, and I am not a barbarian.
Mel, are you gonna stay? It's flaming cheese.
I don't think I can take fire to go.
I'll see you at home then.
This is an aged tomme right from the Southwest of France.
It's soft and it's yielding.
Save it.
I never said this about a man before, but he's more important to me than flaming cheese.
Wow, you're a very forgiving women.
Ugh, trust me.
I'm not forgiving anybody.
That salmon ain't the only one getting its ass seared tonight.
What if Cassandra refuses to go on a family vacation because she has a vision that tells her the hotel bedspread will be totally gross.
- Lennox, are you listening? - We need to talk.
Yeah, I know, it wasn't my best idea.
I mean, about us.
When you go away to college, I don't want us to break up.
- Uh, me neither.
- Yeah, but I also don't want us to have one of those long-distance relationships where everyone gets hurt.
- Who would want that? - Okay okay.
So here's what I think.
We need to set some rules.
Like when we're together, we'll be together.
And then when we're not together, we're not together.
Huh? Like when we're in the same place, the same city, the same zone, we'll be exclusive.
But then when we're in different zones, we won't be exclusive.
So you want to be non-exclusive, like, with other guys.
Well, only when we're not in the same zone.
Oh, great.
Um So where exactly does this non-exclusive zone begin and end? Are you my girlfriend when I get on the plane? Or only when I cross into Ohio airspace? Is there an app so I can track the zone? You're not taking this seriously.
You're not taking us seriously.
I'm just trying to save us.
We don't have to break up like every other couple who tries a long-distance relationship.
Thanks for protecting our relationship by pretending it doesn't exist.
No, I'm just trying to establish some rules so we can keep this thing from ending in anger and tears.
Well, bravo, you've done a bang-up job of that.
I'm sorry, but what's the alternative, Zander? That we stay together in a committed relationship in all time zones.
Well, that's not possible in the real world.
- I guess we just break up then.
- Fine! Good! We're broken up! Done! Worldwide! No matter what city we're in, we're not a couple at all.
Well, we can start by not being a couple right now.
And we're not doing that whole "let's stay friends" thing either.
I'm fine with that.
Clean break, just sever all ties.
"Dear Miss Scanlon and Mr.
Carlson," "you guys rock.
" "We want to buy your web series, 'Cassandra.
'" "we think it's perfect for laughorchoke.
" "Contracts to follow.
" - Oh my God! - We're a hit! This is totally awesome news, right? Yeah, we can still work together.
You know, we can not be dating and not be friends and have it not be awkward.
Oh, yeah, so not awkward.
You're holding my hand.
Oh, right, none of that.
Mel, look, I really appreciate you leaving the restaurant with me, okay? Oh, come on, now.
Say something, will you? You know I hate the silent treatment.
It's like worse than yelling.
Mel, come on! Say something.
I said I was sorry like 1,000 times.
Yeah, but you didn't mean it.
I got to mean it? Yeah, of course.
What'd I do wrong? I don't even know what I did wrong.
Well, that's why I'm here, okay? Look You threw a tantrum in another man's kitchen who only happens to be the finest chef in all of Toledo.
I mean, it is his place, after all.
He calls the shots.
How'd you like it if I came into your exercise class and told you how maybe that's a bad example.
Oh, wait a minute! Wait a minute, hold on.
Hold on.
Mel, I think you're on to something here.
Because when you're in the presence of, say, a master, maybe it's not a bad idea to listen to that guy.
You know, maybe it's even wrong and somewhat disrespectful to try to take over and demand to have it your way.
Maybe that's actually a very bad example.
No, actually, Joe, I think it's a perfect example.
Yeah, yours was too.
You know, I think Chef Sunderland and Sergeant Longo deserve more respect than either of us showed them today.
I think you're right.
You know, Mel, I think it's kind of cool that you put me in the same league as Chef Sunderland.
And I'm telling you, I really believe that with some good marketing, Longo Fit could turn into something big.
Well, then I am behind you 100%.
To Longo Fit.
May there be thousands of out-of-shape people in the city of Toledo who love being tortured by a sweet, sexy drill sergeant.
Just not you.
You know, if you got rid of the squats, and maybe added some naps and some wine, I'm in.
I'll think about it.
- Really? - No.
Pour in, slowly, one half-cup of brandy.
- Oh, I like it already.
- No no no no.
Pour it in the pan.
Okay, you're really gonna have to be more specific.
Are you sure we shouldn't ask Joe how to do this? Hey, we are two intelligent women.
It's flaming cheese.
Worse-case scenario, we have melted cheese.
No, worse-case scenario, we burn off our eyebrows.
And I use these a lot.
This is where it all happens.
All right, "tilt pan and light the brandy.
" I'm not doing that.
You're such a girl.
Ooh! Oh, look, it's cooked perfectly.
Boy, I don't know.
It looks a little underdone.
Yeah, maybe we can fire it up again.
But this time, I get to light it.
Fire in the hole!