Melissa & Joey s04e03 Episode Script

The Honeymooners

Wait, wait, wait.
Honey, honey.
Honey, wait, wait, wait.
Even though we're coming back from the hospital, technically we are still coming back from our wedding, and there are traditions.
Which can wait.
This new husband will now carry his new wife over the threshold.
But I really got to pee.
So I won't pick you up by the bladder.
Here we go.
Ready? 1, 2, 3! Oh! Whoa! Oh! Here we go.
Okay, ready? - Okay.
- Yeah.
Oh! Ahh! Oh! You call that careful? Put me down, please.
We're doing this.
There are other thresholds in this house.
Ahh! Yeah! Ta-DA! Wasn't that romantic? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got to pee so bad.
In 20 years, you're going to be very happy that I just did that.
No, I won't.
- Yeah, you will.
- Will not.
I heard that! Sync & Corrections by Darcade I had to toast my own bagel! Oh, thank you, everybody, for helping the crippled bride! Oh, I love you all so much.
Where's my coffee? Oh, damn.
Hey, look at you getting around like a pro.
I tried to scratch my knee and I got a fork stuck down there.
I guess that means you're done.
Oh! Well, get ready to love me, because I just got us a full refund for our honeymoon.
That's right, baby.
Hotel, airfare The works, all right? And if I recall, a certain person here in the kitchen laughed at me for buying trip insurance.
So a latte a day.
Yay for us.
We're not going to Tahiti.
Hey, you know what? Let's take a picture in front of the refund check post it, and make all of our friends jealous.
I know you're disappointed we can't go on the honeymoon, but I promise you, when you're up and running at 100%, I'm going to take you on that honeymoon, okay? Along with all the exciting things that happen on a honeymoon.
Oh, I'm not waiting another four weeks for that.
I want it now.
This marriage needs to be consummated.
All right, let's go upstairs.
This is not Tahiti.
This is hardly a romantic setting.
Well, let's change all that, sexy mama.
Come on.
Do you feel that? Do you feel that warm, tropical, romantic breeze? Bring it in.
Come on.
Is that the smoke alarm? What is it? That would be the toaster.
See, and that's what happens to a toaster when somebody doesn't take the crumbs out of the bottom of it.
Oh, wow.
That was so hot.
Lecture me again, bad boy.
All right, you're right.
It's not important.
It's just a toaster.
There are way more important things, like, um, you know, how well you're doing, because you have had one heck of a week.
I mean, dream wedding interrupted, my daughter moving in with us.
You falling off the roof.
Us having to get married in a hospital.
And you know what? Through it all, sweetie, somehow you managed to maintain your sense of humor.
And I look fabulous.
Yeah, that goes without saying.
I mean That's why I didn't say it.
But you know what we need to do right now? We need to take care of you.
Come on.
Bring it in.
Joe! Joe! The toilet's overflowing! All I did was flush it.
Not my fault.
Did you jiggle the handle first, honey? You got to jiggle the handle first.
Hey, I'm new here.
I don't know how your toilets work.
Dani, you got to jiggle the handle! I told you that stuff's going to get everywhere! I'll get the plunger! It's the honeymoon I always dreamed of.
Oh, the freaking fork! Nice view of the hills.
Shh! Someone might hear.
Okay, but we're a couple now.
That's cute couple banter.
Look, whatever we are, no one needs to know.
Come on! Let's tell them! Marco, we've been over this.
If your Uncle Joe finds out, he will kill you.
And if we tell my aunt Mel, she'll tell Joe, and he will kill you.
He won't.
He was telling me this morning how glad he is to have me around.
Because he thinks you stayed in town to help out, buy groceries.
He thinks all you're doing is errands, not, you know, me.
And have I been helpful with the groceries? If you know what I mean.
Yes, I do.
And restocking shelves this morning, did you like that? Okay, stop it.
It's just too risky to let people know.
What's too risky? Where did you come from? A one-night stand between Joe and my mom.
But you now that.
Now, tell me what's too risky.
Okay, no one knows this yet, - but Lennox and I - Have psoriasis.
- Really? - Yes.
Itchy, itchy psoriasis.
And we're just not comfortable telling people about it.
- Right, Marco? - That's right.
We scratch each other secretly.
Okay, just put the groceries away.
Why don't we both put them away? Then we can go back to scratching each other.
I don't itch right now.
Maybe we can put away a couple cans of soup, see what happens.
Aunt Mel, I need to talk.
- I've got a problem.
- Oh, me too.
Paint my toes.
Okay, it's about a relationship, and it's complicated.
Oh! You're getting back together with Zander! So that thing at the wedding was just a little tiff? - I knew it.
- Are you kidding? Zander and I are over forever.
As it should be.
I mean, we were barely broken up and he goes off and sleeps with one of his roommates.
Well, you know what? I can do the same thing.
- So I did.
- Ooh, rebound fling? Those can be so hot.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I bet I know who it is.
You don't know him.
I bet it's that Norwegian exchange student who drove you home last week.
Torbett, right? Yes, Torbett, with his spicy Norwegian blood.
But here's the problem.
Torbett wants to be my boyfriend, out in the open, full-time.
And you don't think he's boyfriend material? He's not.
We're just too Different.
But how do you tell a guy that without hurting him? You just got to be honest with him.
I want to, but then he takes his shirt off, and I forget what I'm going to say.
Yeah, I am familiar with six-pack amnesia.
Both kinds.
But, you know, in my personal experience, I have learned that men have feelings, too, and you can't lead them on.
So break up with him? - Yes.
- Is that what you would do? No.
And that's how I know it's the right thing.
- Hey! - Hey.
Wait a minute.
You were out by yourself? I thought you were upstairs resting.
I was on a mission of love.
I uber'ed to the doctor, and got myself this little mini! Well, look at that.
It's fun-sized.
Yeah! Fun is right, because now everything is more, mmm, accessible.
That's going to be very helpful.
Listen, I know how disappointed you've been about the honeymoon, okay? But I want you to know all that has now been fixed, by me, for you Mrs.
Who said I'm Mrs.
Longo? Mrs.
Mel my new wife.
You are getting that romantic getaway after all.
I found us an incredible last-minute honeymoon deal.
Where? Incredible-last-minute honeymoon-deals.
"Secluded cabins, fireplaces, "panoramic views of lake eerie.
" Joe, it looks so pretty, but can we really just up and go away right now? Yes, we can.
Look, Ryder's going to be at his friend's house all week 'cause he thought we were going to be in Tahiti.
Okay, never say Tahiti unless we are standing on it.
My point is, he's taken care of.
Well, what about Dani? She's brand new in the house.
She doesn't even know how we use our toilets.
She's got a little bit of a troubled past.
Are you sure we can leave her here unsupervised? We're not going to be leaving her here unsupervised because Remember when I had that security company come over here and install those cameras? I finally downloaded the app up on my phone, so now we can check in and see what's going on in this house whenever we want.
Watch this.
There we go.
Hey, everybody.
It's us.
Hey, did you put one of these in our bedroom? - No.
- Could you? Already did, baby.
Yeah! So not only do we have the cameras, but she's also going to have two chaperones here.
She's got, for the brawn, Marco, and for the brains, the most responsible girl in the whole world.
Lennox! - Lennox! - What? What? Could you come down here for a second? We need to talk! Tell him you're busy.
Put your shirt on.
I'll be right there.
You that shirt never comes off again.
Right, you guys are in charge until we get back.
This should be enough to cover all the meals.
Aunt Mel, the only people who use cash anymore are drug dealers and the tooth fairy.
What kind of kid turns down money? Oh, I'm taking it.
I'm just being snarky about it.
Marco, make yourself useful.
There is no other reason I'm here.
So, Dani, listen, honey.
I left the number to the inn on the fridge.
Why wouldn't I just call your cell phone? Well, in case there's a meteor shower and it knocks out all the cellular transmission.
Oh, well, then we'll be okay with our $40 cash until the zombies attack.
I left my painkillers upstairs.
Oh, I'll get them for you.
Oh, thanks, sweetheart.
Oh, and I counted them! So did you break up with Torbett yet? Oh, I tried, - but he took his shirt off.
- Yes.
And for every ab, my I.
dropped 10 points.
- He must be really cute.
- So cute! - Who's cute? - Oh, you are, honey.
I know that.
What were you guys talking about? Oh, she's seeing this boy at school.
A Norwegian named Torbett.
Apparently he's really hot, but not right for the long term.
I miss when I was running around with Scandinavian strange.
Really? That's what you say to your new husband right before we're about to leave on our honeymoon? I need the keys, Uncle Joe.
I'm just glad she's not going out with that one.
Why? What's wrong with your nephew? Women are so blind.
Come on, honey.
He's a player.
What? He seems so sweet? Like all good players do.
Oh, yeah? You say that like you're the mayor of Playertown.
I served for two terms.
Look, you don't have to brag jut because I had a colorful past.
I'm not.
I'm just telling you that when you were out having your inappropriate Nordic boyfriends, I was, uh Well, how can I put this? Let me see.
- I was up to here in - Thanks.
I got it.
Look, all I'm saying is if a hound like that ever so much as laid a hand on my precious Lennox, I swear there he is! Hey! My favorite nephew.
Marco, I got to tell you, man, it's been really great having you around.
Hey, with my new aunt recuperating and my new cousin needing a little guidance, I'm glad to stick around as long as I can be useful.
It's what family does.
You know what? I think you're finally starting to grow up, man.
Get in here.
Come on.
Hey, hey! Ho! Ho! Hey! - You still got it.
- Don't ever forget it.
Lennox, we're leaving! So listen, Dani.
You got to listen to Marco and Lennox for the next three days.
Hey, I'll be fine.
I once stayed a week by myself when my mom took off with Brett Michaels.
Brett Michaels? Yum! Really? Brett Michaels? Oh, I thought she ID cinnamon rolls.
Yum! I got to say, I'm a little bummed that I just got here and you guys are already going away.
Sweetheart, we'll be back before you know it.
Be good.
Listen to them.
- I love you, guys.
- Hey, keys! Oh! Bye.
I'm really going to miss you! All right.
Party time! Oh, yeah.
It's a homework party upstairs, and you're the only one invited.
Oh, come on, I'm new at that school.
I still got two more weeks before they know I can speak English.
Homework, now.
- But I don't need - No.
- Can I just - No.
- Maybe if I - No.
- Now that she's gone - No.
Marco Lennox.
We need to talk.
As you and I struggle to define at we are to each other, I believe what I am to you is neither.
Analogous nor parallel You're cute when you're thinky.
You need to be serious.
What I need is ketchup.
Oh! This is one of my good shirts.
No, don't! Best grocery run yet.
But, um I'm afraid that was the last time.
What do you mean? I don't really want a boyfriend right now And I guess I should have told you that before.
Maybe you should've.
It's just You're so damn irresistible.
I really don't know how to take that.
A compliment wrapped around a put-down.
It's like an insult calzone.
Whoa ho! I think I can handle three days of this.
Huh? This is awesome! Look at that.
We got a lake view over here.
We got, uh A view of the mountains over there.
But the best view of all, that would be right here in front of me.
Aww, Joe, I fully intend to have sex with you.
You don't have to work so hard.
No, I do it for me.
I do like this room.
Yeah, well, nothing but the best for Mrs.
long Term partner forever.
Let's take this nice and slow, huh? Screw that.
It's consummating time.
Oh, okay.
I'm down.
Yeah, sure.
Let's do it,.
Ho! I like that.
I like that.
Yeah! You know what? I just thought about something.
This is going to be the first time that you have ever had sex with a married guy.
This is the first time I've ever done that.
Ooh! Is this married man sex? Saucy.
No, you had a mosquito on your butt.
Ooh! One on you, too.
What the What the They're everywhere! You left the window open! I was trying to get some fresh air in here! You got to at least close the screen! Oh, great.
You're locking them in here with us now! You're the man.
Start killing them.
What do you think I'm doing? Giving them high-fives? You know what? Maybe this will stop them.
What? Honey, that's sunscreen.
Yeah, maybe it will work.
Oh, nice.
Well, at least they won't get skin cancer.
Hey, what are you But we're so good together.
Marco, I didn't plan it this way, okay? I'm just trying to be honest with you.
You and I have no future as boyfriend and girlfriend, and the sooner we both accept that I just feel used.
There you guys are.
I was yelling upstairs and nobody answered.
What were you guys doing? - Groceries.
- Scratching.
Anyway, what I was yelling about was dinner.
What's happening with that? Um oh, I think we have leftover pizza.
We do.
We do.
I will heat some up as I am only here to help.
I should probably get some studying done.
I should probably help her.
I think you're just trying to avoid talking to me.
Am not.
This is studying? I won't be able to concentrate on my schoolwork until I see what happens on Hooking Up Tonight.
You're too young to watch that show.
I've toured with my mom and black sabbath.
I've seen stuff that would be blocked on YouTube.
Okay, then I'll watch it with you.
Is that supposed to discourage me? I've never seen this show.
I thought shows like this were only on the computer.
We're going to find out if Chloe's going to stick with this guy she jumped on just for fun, but doesn't want to have a real relationship with.
That sounds most intriguing.
- Tell me more.
- Okay.
She had a fling with this real cute guy, but doesn't think he can cut it as a boyfriend.
Maybe she should just give this guy a chance.
Is he nice to her? He's sweet.
And they have chemistry.
So what is this girl's problem? Well, she thinks The problem is she doesn't want to hurt him.
She's not a horrible person, but she just got out of a relationship and she's not ready for a new one.
I assume.
Do you two really think you're fooling anybody? Harder.
Harder! Are you sure? - I don't want to hurt you.
- Can handle it.
Oh, that's it.
That's the spot.
Oh, it's so good.
Now it's my turn.
You have to do me.
No, I'm not finished yet.
Come on.
My hand's getting tired.
Then use the other hand, damn it.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh! No.
No, no.
It's just not doing it.
Look, you seemed to be enjoying it.
Yeah, well, I got close.
But I just I need calamine lotion.
You need calamine hey! It's my turn.
Come on, you have to do my back.
Do yourself.
You know what? It's not going to work.
I just got too many muscles.
That episode was especially inappropriate.
I am now a fan of this hooking up show.
And I got to say, I'm glad to see Chloe's going to try to make it work with fling guy.
I don't think it's a smart decision at all.
These characters are making terrible choices.
And it's a TV show.
You're not supposed to imitate their behavior.
Everybody knows that.
You guys stay back.
Dani, go in the other room.
It's the toaster.
You better be watching How To Please Your Woman videos.
No, we just got a security alert.
Ooh! You look fantastic.
I'll let you play connect the dots later.
So what's this security alert? It was a smoke alarm.
Yeah, because somebody here didn't clean the crumbs out of the toaster like they said they did.
Uh, I cleaned it out.
I'm sure you did.
No, I did.
It wasn't me.
It doesn't matter.
Well, it sort of seems like it does.
It's a mess in there, but at least the fire's out.
That was amazing.
My Nona used to fall asleep smoking, so I got pretty handy with these babies.
I'm just so glad you were here.
Me, too.
We're all good now.
Um, so I guess I'm just going to go pack.
There's a bus later to Newark And that'll be that.
Was that a kiss for your boyfriend or a kiss just 'cause I'm so damned irresistible? Boyfriend.
You sure about that? Yeah.
You're not that hard to resist.
I told you it wasn't me.
In my own house.
You know, it's a good thing poor Torbett's not seeing Oh! I got to say, amazing security system.
Look, you can zoom in.
No thanks.
Well, we consummated, and in record time, But that does not count as official honeymoon sex.
You know, actually, it wasn't so bad.
Well, maybe next time we can do it with all of our clothes off.
Yeah, I know.
I just cannot believe this Marco, man.
"Hey, Uncle Joe.
"Here to help out the family.
" Yeah, more like helping himself out.
Look, I obviously have to go and deal with this whole situation, but why don't you stay here for a couple days and just enjoy yourself? Yeah, just hang out here with the mosquitoes and watch the How To Check Out channel.
I'm going with you.
Okay, I'm going to go get the car.
Because, you know, we're in this for better or for worse.
I'm just waiting for the better part.