Melissa & Joey s04e07 Episode Script

Thanks But No Thanks

"With heartfelt thanks for the lovely wedding gift.
"Love, Mel and Joe.
" Hey, hey, I would appreciate it if you would stop putting a little smiley face in the middle of my "o.
" How about a grumpy face with little, angry eyebrows? Yeah, like that.
Okay, now, honey, this This right here is a fantastic wedding gift, all right? It's called a wine aerator.
See, what happens is you pop the cork, pour the wine through that baby, and boom.
You don't have to wait for the wine to breathe.
Wait, wine has to breathe? I usually just get it in my mouth right away so it doesn't suffer.
Why don't we try this thing out right now? Right now? It's 10:00 in the morning.
Ugh, you and your uptight rules: No wine before 5:00, no sex in the car.
I was driving.
On a highway in a straight line.
Fuddy-duddy.
Okay, now the hard part Thank you notes for the gifts we don't like.
This is gonna take a bit of diplomacy, a touch of creativity, and a crapload of lying.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, this is, um Yep, this is Oh boy.
Ooh.
There's nothing good you're gonna be able to say about this, baby.
Oh? Watch this.
"Dear cousin Donna, "leave it to you to find the most unique lamp either of us has ever seen.
"We're fighting over who gets to put it on their nightstand.
" - Not mine.
- Not mine.
"Love, Mel and Joe.
" Good one.
All right, now on to this monstrosity.
Ugh, what, does the guy who makes the coffee live inside of it? What are we telling, Aunt Bunny and Uncle Bert? Sweet Aunt Bunny.
She was too sick to make it to the wedding.
I kind of wish she was too sick to buy us this thing.
"Dear Aunt Bunny and Uncle Bert, "your gift brightens our mornings.
"Joe and I start each and every day "enjoying a delightful cup of coffee from the" Oh.
Oh, yeah.
The IL Duce.
Uh "The latest technology in caffeinated beverage production.
" - "Coffee machine.
" - Mm.
"Your gift is a centerpiece of our marital kitchen.
" You really want it in the kitchen? Are you kidding? I want that thing out of here, now.
Yes, ma'am.
All right.
What's next here? Okay, this is from your cousin Judy.
Yeah, this is gonna take all of your literary prowess to come up with something nice to say about it, honey.
"How did you know we didn't have one?" Oh my God.
Sync & Corrections by Darcade Yes, Aunt Bunny.
No, Aunt Bunny.
Of course, Aunt Bunny.
Bye, Aunt Bunny.
That was Aunt Bunny.
No kidding? She's had a complete recovery and has decided to visit all the relatives who wished her well.
Oh, and I take it that we're on the aunt Bunny: - Still alive tour? - Mm-hmm.
Day after tomorrow.
So, Joe Go to the garage and drag out that huge, hideous coffee maker and put it in a place of honor in the kitchen.
There is no coffee machine in the garage.
I returned it to the department store just like you said.
What? Whoa, I never said return it.
You said you wanted it out of here.
Yeah, outta here.
Like, out of my sight.
Like someplace else, like in the attic or garage.
Honey, that's not what you said, well, that's clearly what I meant.
You know, Aunt Bunny only recovered because of the love of family.
If she shows up, and we don't have a coffee maker, she could die of a broken heart.
That only happens on telenovelas.
Uh, no.
Aunt Bunny is very delicate.
Okay? She broke her hip yelling at Alex Trebek.
Hey, you guys, look at what Marco got me for our one-month anniversary.
The thigh gap conspiracy.
I pointed it out in a store a couple weeks ago, and he remembered and got it for me.
I recognized the colors on the cover.
Can you believe this guy? He is so sweet and listens to everything I say.
You're not helping me out here, Marco.
All right, well, we're going to the movies.
Lennox likes quirky independent films where any nudity is "integ-ral" to the storyline.
Aw, it's pronounced "in-tegral," but that doesn't matter, because you heard me.
You know, seeing that cute, young couple reminds me I never said, "return it.
" Listen, I'm pretty fluent in the language of Mel Burke, all right? And in Mel Burke-lish, "get it out of here," means, "get rid of it completely.
" In the same way that, "is that a new cologne?" Means, "flush it down the toilet right now.
" What? You clearly do not know me at all.
Yet I know you so very well, honey, and that is why I took that ugly coffee maker back and I got us something we both can enjoy.
A rowing machine.
- A rowing machine? - Yeah, a rowing machine.
But how am I gonna enjoy a gift I'm never gonna use? Well, uh You could enjoy running your hands up and down my very well-defined back muscles.
Come on, smile.
No, I'm not smiling.
You screwed this up.
Hey, you're the one that misled her, all right? You're the one that had to write her that thank you note saying how perfect her wedding present was.
Look, blame is not getting us anywhere.
So why don't we just agree that it's your fault and move on? I'm not gonna agree to that.
I'll tell you what I will do though, all right? I will get us a new espresso maker.
Tomorrow.
It'll happen, I promise.
Thank you.
So are those back muscles of yours still open for business? They never close, babe.
- Morning, Joe.
- Morning.
Why are you looking at espresso machines? I thought you guys already got one as a gift.
Yeah, well, your aunt Mel told me to get rid of it, which turns out is secret wife code for, "whatever I do is wrong," and now I have to replace it before this aunt Bunny person shows up here.
Hmm.
It's kind of funny.
You and Aunt Mel are having trouble in the communication department, whereas your nephew and I are getting along great.
Huh.
And someone in this room thought that we were a bad match.
Do all the women in this family have a genetic predisposition to gloat? It's not gloating.
We're just right a lot, and it's hard not to talk about it.
Oh! Score! Yes, they got six of these coffee makers at Bed, Bath, and Burritos.
That's a housewares/Mexican food place.
You know, when I was going out with Zander, it was just his constant over-analyzing of every little moment, it was too much.
I think what makes my relationship with Marco so great is that he's just totally simple.
I mean uncomplicated.
Must feel great to be, like, the best couple in the whole world.
- It does.
- Hmm.
Let's see.
Oh, it's a text from your aunt Mel.
"Update on espresso machine?" Four question marks.
Yeah, that's how much she trusts me.
Hmm? Oh.
"It's taken care of.
"Relax.
" I could have just used all caps right there, but I didn't.
I took the high road.
Hey, we're gonna need another bag of marshmallows if you wanna make some more s'mores.
That's funny.
Do you think Mr.
S'more knew his dessert kinda sounds like "some more"? You are like a puppy on two legs.
Marco, it's your boss, Thorndyke.
I'll be right there! Hello, Marco Sorrentino's office, how may I help you? Oh, well, yes, Mr.
Welles, I'd be glad to take a message.
Does Marco want the morning flight or the afternoon flight? To where? - Tokyo? - I got that.
Hey, Thorny, listen, I'm gonna have to get back to you on that.
Okay, great.
That's amazing.
You're going on a trip to Tokyo? Yeah.
It's in Japan.
Thorndyke got invited to do an art installation and he's taking me.
Well, I'm jealous.
I hope you get some free time while you're there to do some sightseeing.
So, how long are you gonna be gone? Well, that depends on which flight I take.
If I take the afternoon flight, it'll be six months, but if I take the morning flight, it'll be slightly more than six months.
Hey, sweetie.
How are you doing? Remember how I told you how great the communication was with me and Marco? Well, it turns out it sucks.
Whoa, I was just asking to be polite, but you're really answering.
Well, it turns out Marco wasn't telling me anything.
He is going to Japan for six months, and he wouldn't have mentioned it at all, except I answered his phone and found out.
Oh, honey, that's the only way you find out anything.
I mean, unless you have his email password.
Then Whoa, Nelly.
And the problem is I don't want to break up.
Things have been going really well.
Well, why don't you just enjoy the time before he leaves.
Try not to think about his trip.
You mean live in denial? Absolutely.
There's a reason so many people live in denial.
The views are fantastic.
You know, I have had some really good times with men when I wasn't thinking.
So, where is it? Where's the machine? Oh, it's right here, baby.
And it's got two four Can you get your head out of your abs? I'm talking about the espresso machine.
You texted me, "it's taken care of.
" Yes, yes, and it is being taken care of.
Look, it's right here.
It's right here on my action items list.
That's your idea of doing something? If putting something on your to-do list means it's already done, then I've already organized my shoe closet and learned the fine art of Japanese flower arrangement.
Honey, no, no.
Listen.
To-do list items can be forgotten, all right? Action items, they get done.
So where's the espresso machine? I didn't get it done yet.
- I'll do it tomorrow.
- Okay, that's it.
I'm just gonna have to go down to the store and get one myself.
You know what? I think you're overreacting.
Joe, um Did you say that you were going to get one this morning because you thought that's what I wanted to hear? No.
No, of course not, honey.
Listen, before you run down there, all right, I checked online to make sure the store had some, and I'm gonna check again right now.
All right, there were six this morning, and there are still One.
They sold five of these things in a day? Have people never heard of Starbucks? Well, you know, we wouldn't be in this situation if someone had actually bought one when they said they did.
There were six this morning! Say that one more time and see what happens.
You know, we could have gotten that last machine if someone wasn't too chicken.
Oh, excuse me.
I wasn't willing to knock over an old lady just to grab an ugly coffee maker.
Yep, like I said.
Who would have thought that they sold six of those things in one day? Me! Me! That's who! So thanks, Joe.
Now we don't have an espresso machine for Aunt Bunny.
You really think this is 100% my fault? Yes, but only because 100 is as high as the blame-o-meter can go.
Oh, since you're firing up the blame-o-meter, why don't you just admit you wanted me to get rid of it when you said, "get it out of here"? Doesn't matter now.
I'm gonna have to tell Aunt Bunny the horrible truth, you know? Even if she hates me for the rest of her life.
The only consolation is that could be a very short time, because this could kill her! Told you you'd love Rocky.
Oh, such a beautiful, simple story.
Rocky and Adrian lived in the moment, just like us.
Yeah, we're just living in the present.
We're not thinking about the fact that mere days from now - I'm gonna be getting on a plane to go - Wha-a-a.
No, we are not talking about anything beyond today.
So, tell me what you did today.
I bought a new suitcase for my Um I called my mom.
It was funny, she wanted to know if I needed to have any shots before I go This is hard.
- It's like there's this thing - An elephant in the room? No, no, no.
Something really big and important in front of us, and we can't talk about it.
Marco, we agreed, okay? We're blocking all of that out and focusing entirely on the now.
Okay.
Well Did you know there were five more Rockys? Interesting fact, Rocky III is the first time Mr.
T says, "I pity the fool.
" Okay, stop.
I can't not talk about this.
I can't live in denial.
Tell me about your trip, okay? I want to hear everything.
Okay.
Thorndyke was hired to do a major installation in Tokyo, and he realized he would need a welder.
Zander is his assistant, so he looked for a welder there, but he said that he couldn't find anyone local, so Thorndyke asked me to go with him.
Wait a minute.
So you're telling me that in all of Japan, Zander couldn't find a single welder? Surprised me too.
No, you know what this means, right? Yeah.
Japan's got a serious welder shortage.
Well, that's it.
Aunt Bunny and Uncle Bert are getting off the freeway right now, and Th will be here in 20 minutes.
Oh, score! Ooh! I found the exact same coffee maker right here on Emmy Lou's List.
What? No, no, no.
Emmy Lou's List is not reliable.
That's the kind of place where you find a free apartment if you're willing to snuggle.
I feel good about this, honey.
Look, you stall Bunny and Bert, I'll be back, half hour tops, with a coffee machine that looks just like the one that they gave us.
No, Joe, I'm just gonna tell them the truth, okay? You don't have to do that.
Right.
Okay.
I understand how this works now, see.
When you say, "don't do it," what you really mean is, "you better get it done.
" No, Joe, really, you don't have to.
I understand.
I love you too.
Hey, Len, I got your text.
I got here as fast as I could.
What do you need the drawings for right now? Oh, I just need them.
Uh-huh Uh-huh oh, you know, I just have one question about this last panel here.
- There were no other welders in Japan? - Ow! You couldn't find one? Okay, I tried.
No, you didn't.
You engineered this whole thing to get Marco out of the picture.
If you're trying to win me back, this is not the way to do it.
You know what? You're right.
I engineered this whole thing.
There's no art installation.
There are no lectures.
Oh, and Thorndyke Welles? I made him up, too.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, you know what? Now that I think about it, there is no Japan.
Yeah, yeah.
In fact, there's no Toledo.
Hey, everybody, thank you so much.
We got her.
We're done.
You know what I mean.
You forced Marco to leave the country.
I didn't force anyone to do anything.
Okay? Marco had a choice You or Japan And you can see what he chose, without even pausing to talk to you about it.
So now, if you're done beating me with my art I'll take my leave.
Don't you try to confuse me with your facts! Aunt Bunny! Uncle Bert! Darling, darling.
Oh dear.
Aww.
We are so thrilled that you recovered.
Well, it was touch and go, but the doctor says as long as nothing upsets me I'm fine.
Where's Joe? Oh, he's out crossing things off his action list.
Why don't we have a seat and catch up.
Yes, let's catch up over a delicious cup of espresso.
Which I will watch you make.
No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
Aunt Bunny, before you go in the kitchen, um There's something I have to tell you.
Um You sent us the most wonderful, wonderful gift, and it was so, so thoughtful, but the thing is about the espresso machine, um It's just so big and shiny and big.
- You didn't like it.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
We loved it.
We loved it.
Um, but the truth is, um Uh, it was stolen by two big, strong men, you know, with excellent taste.
Who wants a fresh cup of coffee, courtesy of Bunny and Bert's most perfect wedding present? But I thought the machine was gone.
I I can clarify, Aunt Bunny.
You see, Joe, I was just telling them the truth about what happened to the coffee maker.
- You see, I was telling - Oh, okay, okay.
All right, look Guilty.
It's my fault.
- No, no, wait, wait - Honey, please.
Look, here's the deal: Mel wanted to keep it, I misunderstood, and I took it back.
But Mel said burglars took it.
That's right.
I took it back, and burglars stole it.
From the store.
I don't know how I know that, but I do.
Why do I not believe this? Um, look, Aunt Bunny, Uncle Bert, the truth about the espresso machine is, um You know, we had a misunderstanding and We returned it to the store.
- Oh.
- It wasn't stolen at all.
- I'm really sorry.
- Yeah, you know, we're newlyweds, guys.
We're still working out this whole communication thing.
Yeah, but check back with us when we have 40 years like you guys.
What'd I say? I told you they'd hate it.
You never said that.
I never stopped saying that.
You don't listen.
Maybe I'd listen if you didn't yell so much.
No wonder my heart nearly gave out.
If your heart was as strong as your yapper, it'd never give out.
Okay, guys, let's not fight.
- Oh, this isn't fighting.
- This is her being nice.
Okay, maybe a cup of espresso from the machine that Joe just picked up would help make things a little less uncomfortable.
- I'll just go make it.
- Yep, I'm gonna help.
You know, you're making people hate us.
I can't take you anywhere anymore.
You can't take me anywhere because you're cheap.
- I'm cheap? - Yes.
When I had my cataract surgery, you asked how much it would be without anesthesia.
Go, honey.
Go, go, go.
Oh my goodness.
Oh, yeah.
I don't want that to be us in 40 years.
I know, we need to fix this communication thing right now.
Okay, look.
You were right.
I really did want you to get rid of that espresso machine.
I wanted you to put it in a basket and leave it at the fire station.
Hearing you say that means a lot to me, sweetie.
And you know what? I have a confession too.
I don't have an action items list.
Starting one was on my to-do list, but I never got around to it.
Okay, look, from here on out, we are gonna communicate clearly, specifically, and honestly.
- I'm down with that.
- Okay.
- Well, let's practice.
- Okay.
- Kiss me.
- Where? - On the mouth.
- When? Now.
- For how long? - Oh, come on.
I got you this for your trip.
It's a Japanese phrase book.
Thanks.
You know I thought I was always gonna be a mook who worked on cars, now I'm collaborating with a famous artist and getting to see the world, and it is all because of you.
Well, don't give me all the credit.
You're the one who chose Japan.
Luckily, it's only for six months, and then when I come back, we can pick up where we left off, right? Sure.
Wait.
I can't do this.
What are you talking about? You're great at kissing.
No, Marco.
When I said I can't live in denial, I meant it.
Okay, six months is a long time.
Who knows what our lives will be like then you chose Japan, and that's fine.
What we had was great, but It's over.
Have a good time.
Are you sure it's over? Because that kiss was really good.
As good as it was, get in the car.
Sayonara.
Sayonara.
Mm, I gotta tell you guys, that machine makes one Great, exceedingly tiny cup of coffee.
Listen, you two.
If we said anything to upset you, we're sorry.
You know, if it's got the word "if" in it, it's not an apology.
It is too an apology, and besides, shut up! Very nice, coming from a nurse of 35 years.
You know, now I know why your hospital ward had the highest mortality rate.
They wanted to die.
Guys, I'm sorry.
Sorry to interrupt here, but I just wanted to let you guys know that Mel and I got you a little present.
You know, just a little way of us saying thank you for stopping by.
- Oh, wonderful.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yes, we did.
Good idea.
Ooh, it's beautiful.
Ah, it will look great on my nightstand.
Are you kidding? That's going on my nightstand.
Come on, you don't appreciate craftsmanship.
So once they leave, we're getting rid of the espresso machine, right? You better believe it.
I'm returning it to that dude on Emmy Lou's List for sure.
Probably gonna have to snuggle with him a little, though.