Men at Work (2012) s01e04 Episode Script

Heterotextual Male

Wow! My longest relationship was a year and a half.
And I thought that was long.
But five years? I can do a year and a half with my eyes closed.
I'm impressed.
You don't seem like someone who just got out of a long-term thing.
You know, Lisa used to say Come on, man! You hadn't even ordered yet! Tell me that was the last mention of Lisa.
That was the last mention of Lisa.
Lisa never liked steak.
Hey, do you you take Mastercard or Lisa? Oopsie-Lisa.
You said, "Tell me that was the last mention.
" You made me lie! All right.
Well, I got it back on track, okay? Let me just finish.
Are you trying to get me drunk? I'm trying, but it ain't easy.
You're like a sexy Tom Sizemore.
I get that a lot.
So, did you kiss her good night? Nah, just a cheek peck.
Did you sleep with her? I didn't kiss her good night.
But did you sleep with her? No.
I think he slept with her.
Men at Work - 1x04 - Heterotextual Male Original air date, June 7th, 2012.
so, first date accomplished.
This is good, milo.
Hey, hey! What'd I miss? Judging by that hat, you miss the '80s.
A lot.
Amy got it for me.
And I'm not crazy about it, all right? But that's what you do when you have a girlfriend.
I'm sure you're all gonna take your shots, so all I ask is that you please be creative.
No shots.
I'm just glad Jeremy Piven was able to unload all his old hats.
Well played.
Well played.
And a tip of my hat to you.
Oh, look at that.
Timberlake has a sense of humor.
Good one.
Good one.
Anyone else? Tyler? Hat S-stupid.
What? We'll come back to you.
Milo, first date? Come on.
Tell me.
First date it was a bit touch-and-go, but I got through it, you know.
So at least the hard part's over with.
Am I supposed to be uncomfortable right now? Because I am.
First date is cake.
The follow-ups that's the danger zone.
What was that? Truth bomb.
You just dropped a truth bomb.
Look, milo.
The first look, I don't want that to become a thing.
What? The "truth bomb" thing.
You just called it a thing.
So now it's a thing.
The first post-date contact is make or break.
Okay, yeah.
I know what I'm doing.
I've been on a date before, right? Give her a call.
No, you will not.
Whoa, put it down.
What? Times have changed.
Yeah, it's not all Ataris and beepers out there.
We got a black president now.
You don't call.
You text.
Bagger Vance is right.
And he's back.
Fine, so I'll text.
I know how to send a text.
What does that mean? Shaking my head.
Which you would know if you knew how to text.
You've been sleeping, and the sun is coming up on a brand-new day.
Welcome, my son, to the world of the hetero-text-ual male.
This next sexual position is called "Crouching Tiger Hidden Knuckle.
" If performed correctly, it should look something like this.
Oh! No way! That how This is the best blog I've ever read.
So, this is why you wouldn't get yogurt with me? Well, it's only part of the reason, It's research.
We're meeting this sex blogger, Sasha Ryan.
And daddy will be shooting the spread.
Are are you daddy in this? Yes.
I am daddy.
Why are you so giddy? We're not giddy.
I am giddy.
Nobody knows what she looks like, and I get to reveal her to the world.
So, she's a sex therapist.
She's the sex therapist.
She claims she's able to teach men to reach ecstasy that makes them rich beyond the dreams of avarice.
"Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.
" No! No! Okay.
Check it out, guys.
I think I got a good text to send to Jessica.
Roses are red No! Hang on.
Okay? Relax.
It gets cute.
Let me finish.
I will not let you finish.
You don't want cute.
A cute text can be misinterpreted.
And you're not ready for that.
Keep it simple.
What did you guys talk about? Uh, I don't know.
Usual stuff, you know work, movies.
She did mention she's never dated a guy with a beard before.
Tell her you're debating shaving your beard and you need some input.
Oh, that's good.
It shows that you were listening and that she made an impact.
I'll try it.
Thinking About Shaving Beard n-p-u-t.
Now we wait.
What is "Crouching Tiger Hidden Knuckle"? You're not ready for that.
Tyler Mitchell? Yeah? I believe we have an appointment.
How's that? Sasha Ryan? Yeah.
Sasha Ryan? Name so nice, you said it twice.
Once more, I turn into a pumpkin.
Not quite what you were expecting.
No, not at all.
Not at all? Okay, so you are the blunt one of the two, then.
No, I I didn't mean that.
Yeah, he he didn't mean that.
You guys must suck at poker.
You know, let's just get started, all right? Okay, come on, foxy shutterbug.
You get to break the seal.
I'll Leave you to it.
, for this photo shoot, I got a Brazilian South of the border.
This is Tyler Mitchell from full stemagazine.
She texted me back.
"Texted"? Is that right? She texted me back or she text me back? Texted me back? I'm sorry.
Can I call you right back? My daughter needs some help with her homework.
What? She did it.
She wrote me back.
What'd she say? Well, remember, I told her I was thinking about shaving my beard and I wanted her input.
She wrote back, "I'm always good for some input.
" What?! I know! I should go there right now, right?! No! Hold on.
Hold on.
Yeah, see? Look.
At the end of the sentence there.
What, the smiley face? Yes.
So what? In the hetero-text-ual world, everything is safe if you have a smiley face at the end.
They're like conversational condoms.
Really? Absolutely, man.
You can say the filthiest, naughtiest stuff to each other and it's all in fun as long as you end it with that bad boy.
Or his brother, the winky smiley face.
Good to know.
"Still hung over, thinking about ditching my staff meeting.
" Oh, this is good.
Two texts in a row, man.
She's definitely into you.
See? I know what I'm doing.
So, what do I do now? Nothing, all right? You had a successful exchange.
Now you let it breathe.
Don't write back? You let it breathe.
For how long? We'll let you know.
Can I get, like, a ball park? I kind of got to get back to work here.
Okay, cool.
Um, winky face.
That's good.
That's great.
I now pronounce this shoot Wrapped.
They really made you earn your pay today, huh? I'm just guessing you're used to shooting the waify, "I'll just have a half a leaf and a diet coke for lunch" kind of runway model.
Hey, now, you are a very Oh, look.
I know.
I wasn't fishing sweets.
You know, I just have learned over the years in my many, many, many sexual encounters that the conventionally attractive women, you know, sometimes don't really have the ganas.
The what? The ganas.
You know, the the desire.
The desire to really take their time and pleasure a man or a woman.
That's a good one.
Oh, man.
What was that? That, my mocha fonzie, was the ganas.
Jessica texted me Twice.
That's great.
I haven't written back yet.
You want to know why? Tyler says I'm letting it breathe.
So it is breathing.
What? You don't agree? You think I should write her back, don't you? You know what? So do I.
I didn't say that.
You didn't have to.
That's what I love about you.
You don't live your life following a bunch of made-up rules.
I mean, look at that hat.
It's ridiculous, and everybody thinks so.
Everybody? Everybody.
But you don't care.
And I respect the hell out of you for that.
Good talk, Neal! Hi.
Just finishing up a little background work on our so-called sex-pert.
Oh, Tyler, you disappoint me.
You really do.
This woman has spent years studying the art of sexual gratification.
And then spreading those teachings across this great, great, great nation of ours.
You had sex with her.
Such a dirty word, my friend.
And we had a lot of that dirty word.
What?! She did things to me, Tyler.
She touched me okay, stop.
I know how it works.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's not about here.
It's about here.
And here.
She touched my mind penis.
Oh, come on, man! I can't un-hear that.
Why was it so great? How does one explain a butterfly to the sightless? Hey, "Almost pretty enough to be a chick.
" You ready for the q&a, Bieber? Hey, sweet saddle.
You still walking funny? Listen, uh, I just want to say that that was I know.
My bathing suit parts had a great time, too.
So Have you heard from Jessica? Jessica, your date from last night? I don't know her.
So you haven't heard from her? Nope.
Well, that makes two of us! I texted her and haven't heard back! Thanks a lot, Neal! Once again, I didn't tell Why didn't she write back?! Maybe she's busy.
Maybe she's trapped under something heavy.
She's not.
What if there's been a zombie outbreak at her office and she's holed up someplace waiting for me.
If they've breached the perimeter of the building, then wait, are we doing this? Three hours ago, I was in charge of this text conversation, and now I'm not.
And I blame you and your hat.
Just because you took it off doesn't mean you're not still wearing it.
I don't know, either.
Now, how did you start blogging about your learnings? Do I sense a little skepticism here? No, no, I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who need this particular type of help.
But you're not one of them, right? Let me just take a shot in the dark here.
You've never had a tough time landing a lady, right? Well, I don't like to brag.
Oh, sure you do, right? What happens? You let these poor girls just swim around in those eyes of yours for a spell and then right before the horizontal slip and slide, it's wham, bam, "Don't touch the hair.
" Am I right? They can touch the hair.
You've had it so easy, Tom Brady.
I get it.
You're this sexual guru that breaks men down so quickly they think they're inadequate.
And you know what? Good scam, and it obviously worked wonders on Gibbs.
But this isn't my first time at bat.
Welcome to the majors, kiddo.
What was that? What did I just do? That was called "crymaxing.
" Hmm? There's only three people in the country who can induce it, and you just got sweet and sour with one of 'em.
I don't even know how to explain.
I mean Shh! That'll do, pig.
That'll do.
But, um The colors? They're so much brighter.
And the air It seems so I know.
I know! Nothing.
Not a word.
From who? Jessica.
I wrote her back.
I told you to let it breathe.
Neal and his hat told me to write her back.
Yeah, that's what me and my hat did.
Hold up.
What did you write? Nothing.
She said she was maybe gonna skip her meeting, so I wrote, "No, you can't.
" How'd you phrase it? Just like that.
I wrote, "No, you can't.
" Well, that's not bad.
It's a little boring, but oh, no.
No way.
What? "No, you can't.
" "No, you can't.
" "No, you c " oh.
That is not how you spell "can't.
" She isn't answer my calls, or texts.
I filled her voicemail both home and work.
What else am I supposed to do? Turn yourself in to the police.
I mean, is it that big of a deal? In england, they use that word all the time, right? Right? It's like their version of "smurf.
" Milo, maybe you let this one go or just let it be a lesson.
Or maybe I go down to her work and apologize in person.
Why? That's where I shine face-to-face.
All this texting and tweeting and super poking, that's not me.
I'm good in the room.
I'm good in person.
Look at me.
You go down there, she will call the police.
She'll call the police, but she won't call me? Fine.
Okay, fine.
I'll just Wait for her to get back to me, all right? I'm good.
I'm good.
Excuse me one second.
Milo? Hi.
So, this is your work.
What are you doing here? Okay, look, I'm sorry for coming here like this, but I thought we had a really great time last night, and then we had this whole texty banter thing going on, which I'm also new to, so then when I sent you that text and you didn't respond, so then I called and I sent you some e-mails and then I wrote on your Facebook wall Don't forget to wish your cousin a Happy Birthday, by the way.
But I just wanted you to know that what I meant to write was "No, you can't.
" I know.
Right, so, then, when you didn't respond, I thought you meant Oh.
You know? Yeah, milo, I was pretty sure you weren't calling me the worst word in the world for no reason.
Well, then, why didn't you respond? Because I'm working.
And I was in a meeting.
Of course.
Look, milo, I had a really nice time, too.
Oh, good.
Me, too.
So, we're good? We're cool? We're cool.
That is awesome.
Um So, maybe on Friday you want to go out and no.
Is it because of this whole virtual stalking thing I have going on, plus I showed up at your work all crazy like? You got it.
That got away from me pretty quick.
Hi, pooh bear! Ohh! Mwah! I was just in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd come by and say "Hi" to my big 3-course Neal! That is so sweet.
Well, that is just what couples do.
We surprise each other, get each other gifts.
Speaking of which, where's that hat I got you? The The hat? Mm-hmm.
Hat, you know, goes on your head so your thoughts don't escape.
Oh, look! Here's one! But it couldn't be yours because you loved it and you'd never just throw it in the trash, right? Trash?! Uh no, um That there's a Hat can.
A hat can? Oh, yeah.
We just did this huge spread on 'em in the fashion issue.
Everybody's got 'em Clooney, Pitt, and others.
Well, Clooney, pitt, and others Why didn't you say so? I'm totally not mad anymore.
Really? No, not really! No, I'm I'm sorry.
It was just it was such a sweet gift, but everybody was calling me names and offering me two bits for the weekly, and I don't even know what the hell that means.
Neal, if you didn't like the hat, you could have just told me.
I didn't make it, I just thought it was cute.
So, I could have told you this morning that I didn't like the Honey, I am never gonna get mad at you for being honest with me.
All right.
Then I have to tell you.
I did not like that sweater you gave me for my birthday.
I made that sweater W-with the yarn from my baby blanket.
Oh No, I know it.
I know it, and I love it.
It was just a little tight around my neck, but I'm working with it, and you didn't make that sweater, did you? It's so easy with you.
All right, boys.
That was fun, but mama's got to blog.
Wait! Yeah, I was thinking that maybe Do you want to go to dinner with me sometime? Or me? Probably me.
Well, look at you.
You get one tiny taste of the rainbow, and you're hooked.
I wouldn't say "hooked.
" I am.
I'm hooked.
I want to taste that rainbow again.
Sorry, pup.
One ride per customer.
I just really wanted to show you guys that even though I'm not a super model, it's not really how a woman looks.
I mean, right now, you're ready to suck a golf ball through a garden hose for one more trip to flavor country.
Take me with you? Sorry, honey.
I hunt alone.
Would you look at that strut.
Like a sexy hulk walking out of our lives.
Hey, did you, um Did you Crymax with her? Crymax? No.
Did you? No.
A little.
Like a baby being born.
What are you doing? Practicing my texting.
That is just sad.
Oh, really? Is it sadder than you both sleeping with the same sex blogger? Boom.
Stop using my booms.
I'm sorry.
Are you crying? No, he's okay.
It's just a little "crymaxing.
" Did we not mention that Sasha updated her blog? Oh, look at that "Two swords, one sheath.
" She even used your names.
Your parents do have the Internet, right? Knock knock.
Who's there? Boom.