Men at Work (2012) s03e05 Episode Script


You're Bridget Ellis.
That's right.
The book publisher.
Two for two.
Look, I know you're busy, and I'm sure you get this all the time, but I actually have a great idea for a novel.
Is there any chance I could get five minutes to tell you about it? - Well, I - It's Super-awesome.
- I-I I'm late for a-a meeting.
- Of course.
But I-I still do have five more floors.
Can you talk fast? Absolutely.
- It's about a man.
- I left my work bag on a park bench.
My whole life is in there My wallet, my keys.
Hey! It begins in a lighthouse.
Well, goodbye, work bag.
And thanks, New York, you dick.
He seemed pretty upset.
Should we go talk to him? - Eh.
- Yeah.
- Oh, no.
- What? Our boss is now on Twitter.
Is it as bad as I think? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Read this one.
"Been wearing the same pajamas all week Dealwithit.
" Terrible huh? May I speak to you two in private? Shut the door.
I just want to say that I have kids and I really need this job.
You don't have kids.
I do, though.
So, you two think my tweets are stupid? - They're great.
- Not at all.
So you like them? - Love them.
- Can't get enough.
Just Just be honest.
They suck.
I thought we were saying stuff at the same time? I'm the face of Full Steam.
You know, my my my tweets need to be as cool as I am.
Wait a second.
You guys know what's cool, huh? The kind of stuff that'll get me followers? Hey, why don't you guys tweet for me? Ooh.
You know what? I'm really busy.
Yeah, I got to take my kid to the doctor.
If you guys can double my followers by the end of the week, there will be a nice bonus in it for you.
I can free up my schedule.
Yeah, I'm not even sure if that kid is mine.
Yes, I need to cancel my credit cards And replace my phone and buy a new laptop.
Well, I know you can't do any of that, mom.
I'm just venting.
Come in.
Mom, I got to go.
Love you, too.
Are you Neal Bradford? Yes, may I My bag.
Yeah, I-I was feeding the pigeons, and I saw it on a bench, and I found your, uh, address on some mail.
Thank you so much, mister Just call me Bob.
W-what what do you people do around here? - Uh, we publish a magazine.
- Oh.
Bob, I'm so grateful.
How can I possibly repay you? There is, uh, one thing.
Nah, forget it! No, no, no.
Name it.
I like to learn things, you know, keep my brain active.
Maybe you could take me on as, uh, an assistant.
Uh, the thing is, Bob, it It doesn't really work that way.
I understand.
I understand.
I just like to be around people, you know? Well, you know, when I can.
Well, back to the pigeons.
Um, we couldn't pay you anything.
Not necessary.
We could, uh We could call it a Internship? I-I accept.
Yeah, that's great.
Allow me, boss.
Big Steamer Magazine.
That's not what it's called.
- No? - No.
Hello? Oh, the asshole hung up.
What? Oh, no, he didn't.
What? N-now he did.
Hey, are you going to that fundraiser in the building tomorrow? Yeah, what's the charity again? I think it's about substance abuse.
As long as there's an open bar.
Gentlemen, what would you say is my biggest goal in life? To find the grizzly bear family that gave you up for adoption.
Anyway, I just had a meeting with Bridget Ellis to discuss my real-life goal, which is publishing my novel.
But you haven't written a novel.
I know, but I've been thinking about it for years.
Oh, God.
This isn't the lighthouse thing, is it? - I've got my setting - The lighthouse? - And my main character.
- The guy in the lighthouse? And his wife.
Guys, I have my foot in the door.
And in publishing, that's half the battle.
You know what the other half is? Writing a book.
You know what? This is a great opportunity for me, and you guys just can't see it.
He seemed pretty upset.
Should we go talk to him? - Eh.
- Yeah.
So, how does this work? Should I e-mail you pages, or Oh, no, we'll get to that later.
I think right now we should try to, you know, dig a little deeper.
Well, that sounds great, Mrs.
- Bridget.
- Bridget.
You know that I usually write with very experienced writers.
But once in a while, I get the itch to collaborate with someone who's new and raw And unsoiled.
It gives me a charge.
You know what I mean.
I think so.
Well, of course you do.
Because you're a real writer.
You have the stuff.
Well, thank you, Bridget.
I've always thought I had the stuff, but it's nice to see that My stuff has been noticed by others.
Oh, others have noticed.
What's happening? We're collaborating.
Being a novelist is fun.
Ok, we have to make virtual Myron cool.
That shouldn't be so hard.
Inspiration alert Just got this bad boy on Ebay.
Tweet-worthy? Wait for it.
Ooh! They don't all do that.
Think about it.
This better be a big bonus.
Hello, blokes.
Cheerio and all that.
Have you seen my new intern? New intern? Why does Neal get an intern? You don't want this intern.
Neal! I'm lost! I'm here, Bob! Just follow my voice! Man, this place is a maze.
- Well, here are those copies you wanted.
- Thanks.
That copy machine really works fast, just whips out those pages Whip, whip, whip.
And my heart's still pounding, though.
- This is Gibbs and Tyler.
- Gibbs and Tyler.
Two more names I have to remember.
I'll do my best.
I got to run out to a meeting.
If anybody calls, just take a message.
Roger that, boss.
Now how about some coffee? Oh.
Sure, Bob.
- Getting coffee for the boss.
- There you go.
Did Myron say you could hire that guy? No, no, no, nobody hired anybody, all right? He's just a nice old man who's clearly a little lonely.
He returned my bag, so I thought I should pay it forward.
You might want to look backwards.
Oh, my God.
Uh, Bob? I think your coffee machine's broken.
How did your book meeting go? Yeah, does Bridget Ellis really want to publish your novel? Yes, she does.
And that's not all she wants.
What does that mean? A gentleman never tells, but I can say this We had sex.
What? In her office? That's really nobody's business, but I can share this Yes.
See, I knew it wasn't a real book meeting.
Excuse me.
Our sleeping together has nothing to do with my novel.
- Exactly.
- Exactly.
No, different "exactly.
" Look, don't make this a thing, okay? People who work together hook up all the time.
- May I? - Please.
This is a classic example of a powerful woman tricking a younger man into servicing her.
Uh it's a story as old as the mid-1980s.
So you're trying to say I'm some kind of a gigolo? No, not at all.
Gigolos are generally and can speak at least three languages.
You're more of an ungroomed male escort.
You're a "messcort.
" Or a "pigolo.
" Or a "slobstitute.
" How about "successful writer" "who isn't talking to his friends anymore because they died" "in a fire.
" Did it happen near a lighthouse? Okay, how do we make virtual Myron less like actual Myron? I say we start by getting him out of the house.
Send him to a concert.
Okay, ooh! How about a secret arcade fire show? I like it, but I don't love it.
Uh, how about some old-school blues at the knitting factory? I like it, but I don't like it.
How about a Knicks game? - Good idea.
- All right.
- We'll put him in a luxury suite - Great.
Sipping rosé.
Who drinks rosé at a basketball game? I do, 'cause it's a luxury suite, not a parking lot.
So the way to make Myron cool is to make him just like you? Yes, thank you.
I'm glad we're on the same page.
We're not.
So, I say we send him to MoMA to see that new street-art exhibit.
Why? 'Cause that's what you would do? Yeah, because I know actual cool, not just surface cool.
Okay, how about you let me focus on actual cool and you just focus on tilting your hats at a pretentious angle? You're bringing my hats into this? You bring your hats into this every day.
Screw it.
I don't need you.
I'll take my tweets straight to Myron.
I'll do the same thing.
I didn't want to split the bonus with you anyway.
Why? Is there a big sale on rosé? So, our hero, Miles, has these friends Other fishermen That just don't get him.
Have a drink.
Oh, well, it's 3:00 in the afternoon.
I know.
Let's be naughty.
And then let's be wicked.
I'm talking about sex.
Yeah, no, I get it.
Um Bridget.
You know, I was thinking maybe we should keep this professional.
- Oh, I thought you rather enjoyed our last encounter? - Oh.
I did.
- You shouted out my name.
- It was pretty intense.
And then you shouted out your own name.
Yeah, I don't know why that happened.
All geniuses have their quirks.
Well, I don't know about "genius," but Well, you know your business.
So, let's stop talking, and you can help me with these.
Okay, but this time, can you not take calls? So, what do you guys got for me? Well, just so you know, we're not working together anymore.
Creative differences.
I'm creative.
He's not.
All right, we'll see about that.
Here, read mine first.
"In a stretch hummer with Kenya.
Pass the rose.
" It's "Kanye" and "rosé.
" I'd prefer it to be a rose, but that's fine.
All right.
Now read one of mine.
"Going hat shopping with Sam Jackson Tiltit!" Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I knew you guys were cool.
The question is, which one of you is cooler? Eeny, meeny, miny - Tyler.
- What? I'm sorry, Gibbs.
Tyler's just intrigued me with this whole rosé concept.
And, uh plus, uh, there's something about the angle of your hat.
It looks like you don't know where the top of your head is.
That was fun.
And now I know your middle name, too.
Yeah, I don't know why that keeps happening.
So, about my book, are we thinking about trying to get it out in time for the holidays, or Oh, Milo, we can talk about that later.
Right now I'm late for an appointment.
I thought we were going to work after our break.
Would an official advance against your book earnings make you feel better? Well Well, you deserve it.
You've put in a lot of hard work, and, uh Well, you should be rewarded.
- What's that? - Just a little pencil money until I see you again.
Oh, my God.
I am a "slobstitute.
" - Hey.
- Hey.
I didn't think this fundraiser would be cool enough for you.
This isn't about me.
It's about the kids Or climate change or whatever this is.
You know, it's pretty star-studded.
I peed next to Alec Baldwin.
Big deal I peed next to Matthew Broderick.
Let's not turn this into a pissing contest.
You're right.
I shouldn't be bitter.
You won fair and square.
You know, Gibbs, we started these tweets together.
What do you say we finish them together? I don't know, Tyler.
Things were said About my hat.
I-I'm sorry.
You were making fun of my drink choices, and I lashed out.
It's something I'm working on.
But for the record, I've always secretly thought that you were cooler than me.
You're like a hazelnut George Clooney.
And you're like a milky Taye Diggs.
So, we're cool? Damn right we are.
Hello, boys.
Is it hot in here, or is it me tweeting interesting things? Myron, what are you doing here? There's an open bar, there's ladies, and you tweeted I'd be coming.
Yeah, but you can't actually show up.
Why not? Because, no offense, but people are gonna figure out that you're not actually - You know? - No, no, I don't know.
- He's trying to say you can't be as cool as our tweets.
- Who cares? The point is that my tweets are out there and I'm ready to make a personal appearance.
Oh, my.
Is that Alec Baldwin?! I'm gonna start following him in real life.
Myron! Guys, you were right about Bridget.
She was just using me for sex.
It was all about my body.
- Uh, Bridget.
- Milo, I was just talking to my friend Trish, from Random House, all about you.
I'll bet you were.
Oh, Trish is very interested in hearing about your book.
- You are? - Absolutely.
Let's set up a meeting.
How about midnight in my hotel room? What? I'm staying at the Trump.
I look forward to seeing you.
And I'll have a little "pencil money" waiting.
Bridget, what the hell? You're just passing me around to your friends like I'm some kind of a man whore? Well, you are, aren't you? - No, I'm a writer.
- Seriously? You said you were gonna publish my novel.
I thought we were role-playing.
Why would you think that we're role playing? Because you haven't actually written a book.
- You do know how publishing works, right? - Well Writers write There's just no shortcuts to becoming a novelist.
Bye, Milo.
You were flexible.
- Bob? - Huh? Uh, what are you doing? Uh, I'm trying to send that e-mail that you asked for.
Yeah, that was two hours ago.
Well, you know, I pressed that "history" button here, and, my God, th-they never taught me history like that when I was in school.
No, no, never mind that.
Any calls or anything? One call did come in Some guy from, uh, Lawton's Energy Vodka.
Oh, my god.
That's my biggest client.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, I'm trying to get them to re-up for another year.
Oh, well, uh, don't bother.
I-I told him it wasn't a good idea.
You did what, now? Yeah, we spoke for about 20 minutes and agreed that it wouldn't be the right move.
But I've been working on this guy for months.
I know.
He said you've really been a pest.
But listen No, no, Bob.
Uh Bob.
- Yeah? - I'm I'm really sorry, but this isn't working out.
What do you mean? I mean, you're a nice man, and I was trying to pay it forward, but this is not a good fit.
I hate to lose you.
Where did you get that sweater? Sears & Roebuck, 1959.
So, you're the new intern, huh? Was got fired today.
Oh, well, I'm sorry.
No, don't be.
I took a swing.
That's what life's all about.
You dive in, see what What happens.
Yeah, nobody ever looked back and said, "I wish I'd played it safer.
" Wow, that's a That's a good point.
Damn tootin'.
- Bob.
I just spoke to my client.
- Mm-hmm.
You convinced him to re-up for three years.
I've been trying to tell you that all day.
This guy looks at a lot of porn.
Look, y-you don't have to go.
Uh, I was gonna quit today anyway.
Some fancy book publisher upstairs offered me an actual job.
A book publisher? Yeah, she said she's gonna pay me in "pencil money," whatever that means.
Hey, guys.
I have an announcement.
We know You didn't like "Gravity.
" "The physics are all wrong, blah, blah, blah.
" No.
Although, that is true.
Um As of tomorrow, I'm quitting my job here.
What? Milo, are you crazy? Maybe, but this place is just a safety net for me.
You know, I feel like I need to go out and take a big swing.
But this is a sweet gig.
- Are you sure about this? - Yeah.
I've just been lazy and distracted.
If I'm gonna write this novel, I got to dedicate myself to make it happen.
That's huge.
Yeah, man.
Gutsy move.
Thank you, sir.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go say goodbye to Jerry the security guard.
We've gotten pretty close.
Hey, his name's Larry.
I said pretty close.
Myron, what happened? Turns out Alec Baldwin doesn't like being touched on the small of his back.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, we should have stopped you.
Are you kidding? A photo of Alec Baldwin standing on my neck is trending right now.
I'm cooler than both of you.
I'm happy you think so.
So, a deal's a deal.
Here's your bonus.
One for you.
And one for you.
Our bonus was a hug? It was two hugs but you guys wanted to split it, so