Men at Work (2012) s03e08 Episode Script

Okay.
Shark versus bear - who wins? Easy.
Bear wins on land, shark wins at sea.
What about on neutral ground? Neutral ground? Like what, the sky? No, I mean make it a fair fight - ocean floor, but the bear gets scuba gear.
- Interesting.
- Yeah.
Hey, how did your date with Kelly go? Did you finally Start an old-timey car? I'm making sex noises.
Consensual-sex noises? Anyway, the answer is no, we have not yet had relations.
Why not? She wants to wait, and I'm cool with it.
She's fun.
She's sophisticated.
Plus, she's got an adequate sense of humor, given how beautiful she is.
She is very pretty for a drug dealer.
She's not a drug dealer.
She's a pharmaceutical rep.
Hey, I'm not wearing a wire, man.
Relax.
Milo, what are you doing? Well, I don't have a job, as you know, so every penny counts.
Milo, I know you're trying this whole young-adult fiction thing - Yeah, it's called writing a novel.
And as your friend, I'd like to be supportive.
So that's why I'm gonna cover your rent this month.
Tyler, I can't let you do that.
Oh, yeah, sure you can, man.
Think of me as a patron of the arts, someone who - Okay, deal.
Great! Are you sure you can really afford to do this? You let me worry about whether or not I can afford it.
Thanks, man.
I don't know what to say.
I feel a little choked up.
Ha ha.
You're crying.
And the moment's passed.
I know it's crazy, but I still don't know who I am exactly without Amy.
A man dressed like Frodo's accountant? What? Was that your first Neal insult? 'Cause that wasn't bad.
It was accurate.
It was snarky.
I give it a 9.
Not a 10? Nobody gets a 10.
Remember Milo got a 10 once, for that thing he said about Neal's balls? Oh, yeah! But that's very rare.
Hey, handsome.
Kelly, what are you doing here? I had a meeting nearby.
We're launching a new drug.
Hey, you know what would be great? A pill that can sober you up in 30 seconds.
We actually have something like that.
Unfortunately, the side effects include nausea, loose stool, and low-grade cannibalism.
Ooh, nausea - no, thank you.
Hey, well, can you hang out? Maybe we can grab some lunch.
I can't, but I did want to invite you out to my place tomorrow.
Your place? That's a big step.
Could it be the step? Well, I thought we could, you know, finally make a night of it.
I would love to make a night of it.
Maybe even a night and part of the next day of it.
I think you're gonna love Parsippany.
It's so quiet and quaint.
I hope it's not too quiet, if you catch my drift.
You know, for such a handsome guy, you've got more than an adequate sense of humor.
Sounds like somebody's finally gonna Resuscitate a drowning victim? Wait, did she say Parsippany? Yeah, that's where she commutes from.
So? So, have you ever been to the suburbs, Gibbs? I've driven through them.
'Cause it's different out there.
People wear khaki pants, eat turkey burgers, and listen to Maroon 5.
I'm only going out for one night.
You won't last an hour.
That's not true.
Ask any lady I've been with.
Are you running a generator? You're a city guy, Gibbs.
Those people will feed off your cool, urban life force like zombies.
I think you're being a little dramatic.
All right.
I look forward to saying "I told you so.
" - It's not gonna happen.
- Okay.
I warned you.
- I'll be fine.
- You know best.
Why do you keep doing that thing where your voice goes up? I don't know what you're talking about.
Have fun out there.
Come on, Milo.
A book is written one word at a time.
"Wind.
" Nailed it.
Hey.
How's the writing going? Good, man.
Really flowing right now.
Hey, I, uh, have to go into the office tomorrow.
Is there any way you can wait for the Fedex guy, since you're gonna be here anyway? - Yeah, sure.
No problem.
- Great.
Oh, and, um, if it's not too much trouble, could you run to the dry cleaners for me? Oh, well, I'll be writing.
Well, maybe it'll inspire you.
Which part - the endless rotation of shirts, or the smell of deadly chemicals? Ha.
Yeah, I-I can't really start and stop my work like that, you know? I kind of need time to get into the zone.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I just thought that because I'm covering your half of the rent this month, it might make you feel good about yourself to help out.
Oh.
Yeah, well I guess so.
Great.
Thanks so much.
Yeah, sure.
Oh, and can you pick up my new iPhone? Oh, my God, you are such a doll.
Get back to work.
Can't wait to read the book.
Wow, look at you.
Look at me? Look at you.
Now look at me again.
Got here okay from the train station? Oh, yeah - jumped in a cab, we took a left at a strip mall, then a right at another strip mall, then we took a left at the Applebee's Which is also in a strip mall.
Are you making fun of Parsippany? Not at all.
I love the trees, the wide-open spaces.
And what is that weird smell? Fresh air.
Okay.
Anyway, this is for you.
Aww.
They're beautiful.
And this is for us.
I love it.
So, you sure you want to make a night of it? Oh, we're definitely gonna make a night of this.
It's open! Is everybody decent? Neal? I brought lemon squares.
Oh, delish.
Dolphin art.
Sweet.
Neal, what the hell are you doing here? I invited him.
I called your place last night.
Neal answered.
I sensed he was lonely.
'Cause I told her I was lonely.
So, I said, "why not bring dessert to the party?" Party? It's open! Hi, everyone! - Hi, Kelly! - Hey! Ooh, nice.
What - what - what - w- what's happening? I'm gonna show you how we party Parsippany style.
Yeah, you are.
I brought turkey burgers! Let's crank up the Maroon 5! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Out here, it's kind of rude not to "whoo" when somebody "whoo"s.
Oh.
Whoo.
You can do better.
Whoo! You'll get there.
Gibbs, these are my neighbors Mark, Steve, and Jim.
And get this - Mark installed everyone's track lighting.
Guilty! You like track lighting, Gibbs? 'Cause we do.
We like it a lot.
I guess I've never really thought about it.
We got a live one! I knew you guys were gonna be best friends.
I'm gonna go grab some more diet Chardonnay - same buzz - Half the sugar! - Half the sugar! - Wait, baby, don't - - Hey, Gibbs.
Can you believe this jackass installed a low-flow toilet in his master bathroom? Yeah, flush like a man, Jim! I mean Out here, we do this thing where we all make fun of each other.
- We're pretty ruthless.
- Yeah.
She's coming back, right? Hey, Gibbs, I want you to try one of my bams.
You know what that stands for? Big-ass Margarita! - Bam! - Bam! - Bam! Well, awesome, guys.
Can you give me a minute? No But I'll sell you one.
You are on fire tonight.
Can you believe this? I know.
This is literally the best party I have ever been to.
This is the best party? People laugh at everything I say.
Check this out.
Oh, hey, Stacey.
You drinking hard, or hardly drinking? It's like in this universe, I'm Chris Rock.
Hey, Kelly.
This is all great, but I kind of thought tonight would just be you and me.
Relax.
I just wanted you to meet my friends first.
But the more fun we have now, the more I'm gonna want to later.
Hey, guys.
Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Ah! - Hey.
- Hey.
Got your dry cleaning.
Lady said they couldn't get the stain out of your blazer.
Well, did you tell them to try again? No.
Milo, you can't just let people walk all over you like this.
I couldn't agree more.
If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna get back to writing, which, in case you hadn't noticed, is my actual job.
Absolutely.
Don't let me get in your way.
Thank you.
Ooh, one more thing.
You know my grandma, right? - No.
- Well, she's amazing.
Can you walk her home from her bridge club tonight? What? No.
Wow, what's with the attitude? Tyler, I don't think you take what I do seriously.
Excuse me, I wouldn't be covering your half of the rent if I didn't believe in you so damn much.
I guess not.
And? And I'd be happy to walk your grandma home later.
There's the stuff.
Hey, how about you pick up some fresh avocados, and maybe whip up some of that famous guacamole of yours? Fine.
- Great.
Hey, have I mentioned you're a doll? - Yes.
Well, you're also a prince.
Neal, are you here tomorrow? Because we're making a Costco run.
They have generic beer there.
It's cheaper than water.
Sounds awesome.
- Uh, where's Gibbs? - He went to Steve's house to change.
Spilled salsa all over himself.
I told Gibbs, you got to eat salsa, not wear it.
Bam! Ah, I'm back! - Hey.
- Hey.
Hey.
Steve's shirt looks pretty good on you.
Shirt? Thought this was a circus tent.
Ohh! Ohh! Oh, I got you! - Gibbs? - Yeah? - What are you doing? - What do you mean? You're making people laugh.
That's my thing now.
I'm the funny one here.
On a side note, you look amazing.
Hey, Jude.
Hey, Gibbs.
How's the night of the living dead? You ready to blow your brains out yet? Actually, quite the opposite.
I think I like the suburbs.
You what? Are they listening? If you're in trouble, say "chicken wings.
" Jude, it's all good.
Chillax.
Did you just say "chillax"? I'm coming to get you.
Hey, Gibbs.
You ready for some Coldplay trivia? Be right there.
I'm getting in my car right now.
- I got to go.
- Gibbs, no! Oh, what's up? I'm Gibbs.
I'm Biggs.
Biggs? Really? Biggs has been captain of our lawn-dart team since, uh Seems like four ever! Yeah, so Get out while you can.
What? Run.
I don't understand.
I used to be just like you.
I had a cool place in Tribeca.
I was friends with interesting lesbians.
I worked out five times a week.
Now look at me.
Why don't you go back? It's too late for that.
I own a leaf blower now.
I'm on a Fantasy Bowling league.
And you know what the worst part is? I've started to enjoy it.
Okay, Biggs, well, I'm only here for the night.
That's just what I said when I came out here for that Super Bowl party In 2007.
Don't you see? They are never gonna let you leave.
What you talking about, Biggs? Oh, hey, guys.
Uh, mm, nothing.
Seems like you were saying something.
No, really.
Really, I wasn't.
Was I? Why don't you come with us, Biggs? Yeah.
Let's take a walk.
Get out! That was weird.
Nothing weird ever happens here.
But if you keep dressing like that, I'm never gonna let you leave.
Chicken wings.
Well, thanks for buying me dinner.
Oh, please, it's the least I could do Since my grandson was too busy to see me.
So, what do you do, Milo? Well, actually, I'm trying to become a novelist.
A novelist? Well, that's wonderful.
- Good for you.
- Thank you.
I do wish Tyler would take a risk like that - you know, really do something with his life.
What's he got to lose? I don't even charge him rent.
What's that now? Well, I own the apartment.
I don't charge him rent.
Y- you don't charge him anything? Not a penny.
No, I-I even pay for his cable.
He doesn't have cable.
Oh, it's in his bedroom.
I do wish that he would take advantage of the gift I've given him.
Oh, I'm pretty sure he has.
Hello, Tyler.
Ah! How long have you been sitting here in the dark? Longer than I meant to.
I forgot you were going to the gym.
But, since you've been nice enough to cover my rent this month, I decided to make you this.
What the hell? Oh, it's a thank-you sculpture.
Is that my new iPhone? And your dry cleaning, and those fresh avocados that you wanted.
Are you crazy? What, you don't like it? Oh, no.
I get what's going on here.
- You're mad because you have writer's block.
- Nope.
You're mad because you don't have writer's block, but you realized you're not good at writing? Actually, I'm a great writer.
Take a look what I wrote for you in the guacamole.
Oh, that's not nice.
So, wait.
Why are you mad? I'm mad because you've been charging me rent at a place that you get for free, and you never told me.
- What? I told you I don't pay rent.
- No, you didn't.
I know.
You lied to me.
No, no.
I didn't lie.
I just intentionally withheld vital information.
It's unbelievable.
Look, Milo, if I'm eating a sandwich my grandma made me, does that mean I have to give you half? No, but if you do, you shouldn't make me pay for it.
And you definitely shouldn't pretend that you paid for it, either.
That's not how you run a deli.
Look, I'm charging you way less than you'd pay anywhere else.
It's not about the money, it's about the fact that you're pretending to be my patron while guilting me into running your errands.
Well, in my defense, when I said that, I wasn't sure what "patron" meant.
All right, look, man.
You want the truth? I was afraid if you found out that I don't pay rent, then you wouldn't want to pay me rent, and I really wanted that money.
Oh, well, I guess that kind of - what? No! That's not an apology.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm not apologizing.
You ruined my stuff.
Oh, well, why don't you just have your grandma buy you some new stuff? It doesn't work like that.
She makes me visit her first! Jim: Gibbs.
Hey.
We're playing doubles ping-pong.
Let's go! Where's Biggs? I've been looking everywhere for him.
You're not gonna find him.
Let's just say he took a little trip.
What does that mean? What does that - oh, hey, Kelly.
You know what? I just remembered I got a thing.
I got to get back to the city.
Silly, there aren't any more trains.
- I'll take a cab.
- No, you won't.
- What? - They stop running after 9:00.
You're stuck here.
Neal! You have your car, right? I'm not going anywhere.
I like it here.
What are you drinking? Kool-aid.
Have some.
Look, Milo, I spent the last hour sitting in my room, really thinking about what you said.
I know you have cable in there.
Damn it, Nana.
Look, the point is, I realize now that I took advantage of you, and that was not cool.
And? And it'll never happen again.
And? And I will never ask you to run my errands just because you're sitting at home, doing nothing.
I'm writing a novel.
Of course.
So, uh do you think my iPhone still works? Oh, it works.
I took a picture of my dick and sent it to everyone in your contact list.
I'm guessing that's your parents calling.
Let me in! Let me in! Got your message.
Sounded pretty upset.
My God, what are you wearing? I'll explain later.
Open the door! First, admit I was right and you were wrong.
There's no time for that! Oh, my God! I'm so full, I can hardly move.
Oh, Turkey-burger cramp.
My back always hurts.
Gibbs.
Go! Go, go! - What - what about Neal? - Forget about Neal! He's one of them now.
Gibbsy! What are you doing? We're about to play jenga.
Drive! Jenga! My shirt! Where's Gibbs going? I don't know.
He just took off.
Who just took off? Gibbs.
But he said he was gonna watch "Army wives" with us.
Anyway, I got more ice like you asked.
I guess this party just got a lot cooler.
No, he didn't! Still got it.
Run, black stallion.
Run.
So you just left her there? Yep.
You're not gonna go back and get your stuff? Nope.
I really liked her, but we're just too different.
Guess it doesn't always work out like it does in the movies.
Yeah, not everybody can end up happily ever after, like Romeo and Juliet.
But you - Ah, don't bother.
Oh, by the way, did you guys know that Tyler lives in his apartment for free? - His grandma pays for it.
- Oh, yeah.
Why would you tell everyone except for me? Again, I wanted your money.
Speaking of money, here are some coupons for 20% off all appetizers at the Parsippany sizzler, where I will be doing a 10-minute comedy set on Friday.
You're doing stand-up? Here's my opener.
Um What's up with sirloin? What is that, a steak that got knighted? Get out.
- Wait, that's funny.
- Out.
Am I to understand that you guys will not be there to support me? Don't even pay.
Just go.
Fine.
Fine.
Then I won't share my joke about tri-tip with you.
Aah!