Men Behaving Badly (1992) s01e04 Episode Script

Animals

Thank you, Paula.
Nice skills.
That could have been explosive.
We'll take a different situation now.
What's your name? Dermot.
- Where's your name badge, Dermot? I thought they were optional.
I'm wearing mine, aren't I? - Yeah.
It's lovely.
Does that tell us anything about name badges, Dermot? I dunnoMr Trembly.
It suggests they're meant to be worn, doesn't it? What does it suggest? No, it's gone again.
So, you hope to make a career in retailing? Yeah.
Unless the market for nude ventriloquists picks up again.
Good.
I'm not happy with my new umbrella.
What's the first thing you do? I say, "What's the matter? It's a great umbrella.
" No.
You apologise.
Right.
Of course.
- Then what? I offer to swap it.
- There's nothing like it in stock.
Well, buy a hat.
- I don't want a hat.
What's the matter with you? First you don't like our umbrellas, now it's our hats.
Get out.
We'll take a coffee break now, after which, we'll be talking about till procedure.
What'll we be talking about? - Till procedure.
Dermot? Mate.
No, Kate.
Sorry.
The side of your "K"s come away.
- Remember me? You went out with my sister.
Can you narrow it down a bit? - Karen? You split up when you joined the merchant navy.
Oh.
Yeah.
How is she? - Oh, she's married with kids.
What? littlekids? Children, yeah.
Wow! - I remember you coming to our house.
You were really sophisticated.
You told my mum she had a cute bottom.
Must have just seen "The Graduate".
So, erwho are you? Her younger sister.
What happened to the Little spotty one who played the recorder? That was me.
You were brilliant at the recorder.
So you're doing this induction course as well? Yes, I decided I wanted to, you know, work with people.
People, yeah.
Can't Live with 'em, can't Live without 'em.
Important for human relations.
I was always jealous of my sister.
I used to wonder what you got up to in her bedroom.
Well.
.
the man and the lady lie on the bed and take their clothes off No, it's all right.
I know now.
Have you got a girlfriend now? - I'm seeing this girl upstairs from me.
Oh, well.
What do you mean, "Oh, well"? - Oh, just a thought.
That was a fabulous thought.
No, Let's leave it.
- No, urn Biscuit? There she was, just standing there, making Michelle Pfeiffer look like Neil Kinnock.
And I turned her down.
- Yeah, tragic.
I even told her I was going out with Deborah.
I should be so Lucky # Lucky, Lucky, Lucky # I should be so lucky in love # I haven't even brushed Deborah's hair away from her face yet.
You know the way I do? Yes.
It's good, that.
- It is good.
It's sort of intimate but I could just be interested in hair.
Is that Dorothy's? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Her name's on it.
Never said no to a woman before.
I've said "Yes!" but I've never said no.
So what's your problem? - It's Deborah, isn't it? I can't eat, I can't sleep.
- You could last night.
All right, I can eat.
- And sleep.
All right.
But I'm not enjoying it.
So ask her out.
- She's going out with Mike.
Tell her his plane crashed on the way back from Singapore.
I can't do thatagain.
Is that Dorothy's? - Yeah.
Say it's purely sexual, no complications.
She might respond to that.
We shouldn't be afraid of our needs.
I mean, it's an animal act.
She's an animal, I'm an animal.
Except she's a perfectly formed mammal, and you're a sleazy Little rodent.
In Brazil, if they want sex, they just go to a carnival, grab each other and do it.
Do you remember that bloke at university who'd just ask girls to sleep with him? Yeah.
A lot of them did, didn't they? - Yeah, yeah.
Your girlfriend did, didn't she? In fact, he hadn't even asked her.
- It worked for him.
It can't have been very satisfying.
I dunno.
- Actually, it must have been great.
That's what I'll do, then.
I'll come straight out with it.
I'll say, "Deborah, I'm" - An animal? No, "Deborah, we've all got our needs" - juices.
"Juices are bubbling over Mine are, anyway.
"And your boyfriend's away for months" And experiments have shown that celibacy drives mice mad.
Have they? - I dunno.
I'll tell her anyway.
Then I'll look into her eyes and say, "How about it? Do you want a snog or what?" Yeah, that should do it.
What are you doing? - Dorothy's coming to pick up her stuff.
Sure you know what you're doing? - Yeah.
I'm going to suggest starting again with an open relationship.
Open for what? - For me to keep Dorothy for weekends and spread myself about during the week.
She's not gonna go for that.
- She might.
I'll explain to her that women are genetically monogamous, bless 'em, whereas menmen often go to the park in my lunch hour and see all these women eating their lunches with nothing on under their clothes.
I want some of that.
Here she is.
Don't mention the women in the park.
How are you? - All right.
How are you? - Oh, you know.
How are you? - All right.
Well, at least we're communicating.
- Yes.
Have you got my stuff together? - Yes.
Here.
Have you got mine? - Yeah.
Why do I feel that I was more committed to this relationship? You just came here more often.
I suppose you killed the other plant.
- Dermot did.
He over-pruned it.
He needed greenery for a table arrangement.
I gave you the foot-spa.
- Can we do this calmly? Dirty feet can harbour bacteria.
- I'll keep the bloody thing, then! Sorry.
!' I've been thinking about us, about all the good things in our relationship, all the deepdeepdeep Deep.
I think I get it.
A lot of depth.
The great depth of our affection for each other.
Do you remember our first weekend together? That Little hotel in the Cotswolds? Swindon.
- Swindon.
Was it? You had your Little suitcase - This is all very moving.
But do we need edited highlights of a dirty weekend, however volcanic? Sorry, can I paint this picture? - We're splitting up because you don't care and you're not ready for a mature relationship.
All right.
Go on.
- I've lost my place now.
Little suitcase.
- Oh, yeah.
Little suitcase.
We went upstairs to the room and we unpacked.
We undressed.
We made Love.
And we both agreed that it was the most exciting and fulfilling experience that we've ever had.
I don't want to lose that.
No.
So why don't we go on having sex but see other people as well? OK.
That's all right? - We can give it a try.
If you think this might degrade you - I said it's OK.
Don't try to make me look like a slut.
- I'm not.
Why are you smiling? - I'm not.
You are.
- No, I'm not.
You are! - I'm not! Don't.
You're getting dribble on my neck.
Get in there, my son! - Get out of here! Get out! Yeah, OK.
See you in a mo.
OK, ciao.
Ciao.
Deborah, there's something I want to say to you.
You're upstairs alone, I'm downstairs alone.
Nature's trying to tell us something very interesting here.
Deborah, did you know that the average male produces over 20 billion sperm a month? That's enough to fill the boot of a Mini Metro.
I know.
Frightening, isn't it? But there's something that you and I can do about this.
What would Mr Trembly do? Deborah, nice name badge.
I wish to pork you.
What do I wish to do? Deborah, have you ever been to a carnival in Brazil? Deborah! What a nice surprise.
You just asked me down.
- Did I? You don't want to borrow something again? - No.
Why? You borrowed things eight times last week.
I think you're making excuses to see me.
Keep on running out of essentials.
So you still need my cycling shorts? - Yeah.
Deborah Have you seen our chair? Have you just bought it? - No, we've always had it.
Dermot, why did you invite me down? That was nice.
Yeah.
I like it when you do that thing, you know Yeah.
Yeah, it's good that.
Are you all right? - Mmm.
This open relationship thing - Don't Let's talk about that now.
No, no.
Will you be taking advantage of the new arrangement tosee anyone? Oh, I expect so.
Who? Don't spoil it.
- No, I'm interested.
I thought I'd work my way through the telephone directory.
I'm being serious.
- This isn't going to work, is it? You're too jealous.
- No, I'm not.
I'll be doing some telephoning myself.
Shouldn't be long before I've got a rota going.
I thought we were experiencing a bit of freedom, not setting up a meat market.
Anyway, you're all talk.
- No, I'm not.
If you do manage to get some poor girl in bed, wear something.
I'll wear whatever's appropriate! - I mean condoms, Gary, not your hideous parka.
I don't think I need reminding of my responsibilities.
I didn't run off with Graham.
I might not have if you'd behaved better.
I see you've picked up one or two tricks from him.
What do you mean? - That thing you did with your nails.
I've always done that.
I thought you liked it.
Not if you got it from another man.
This is silly.
We should be thinking about us, not other people.
Turn your back for five minutes, they've picked up fingernail tricks.
Well, that was a bit of an erotic treat.
So would you, Likego to bed with the bloke from the off-licence? Why? ls he hiding in the wardrobe? As an example.
I'm trying to sort this out.
I've only ever laid eyes on him twice.
He seems well adjusted.
So would you? - Well, no Yes I don't know.
It's a theoretical possibility.
What about the relief barman in the Crown? - Oh! Now, this table, there's a funny story attached to this, because Gary bought it in the shop next to Rumbelows.
He was going to buy a smaller one.
Then he saw this bigger onewhich is bigger.
Interesting.
Now, the sofa came - Dermot, have you invited me here to tell me about your furniture? No.
- ls it connected with furniture at all? Er, it can be.
It's sort of optional.
Deborah, when I was at college, there was this bloke who used to just go up to girls and just ask them to sleep with him.
Yes, we had one.
We called him "Sad Norman".
Yeah, so did we.
Yeah.
A very sad thing to do, yeah.
Can I get you some Horlicks? No, thank you.
So, erhow are you coping without your boyfriend? We talk on the phone.
I miss him, obviously.
Yeah.
What do you miss most? Someone to talk to, waking up next to him.
Anything else? Usual things.
What kind of usual things? So do you want to go to bed with me? No, it'd be stupid.
You Live upstairs, and me down here, and wanting each other, and you wanting me and me wanting you, and wanting wantingwanting Sorry, Dermot.
I haven't heard a word.
Oh, good! Well, I ought to be going.
Right.
Well, I'm glad you came.
I hope I've been of some use.
Dermot, you still haven't told me what you wanted.
I wanted to give you this.
What is it? - I don't really know.
Thank you.
Mikhail Gorbachev? Yes.
Sir Robin Leigh-Pemberton? No.
TV astrologer Russell Grant? I'm not even going to answer that one.
I'll put him down as theoretically possible.
Gary, what are you hoping to achieve? I'm trying to find out who you're prepared to go to bed with.
You want me to say you're the only one I want.
I'm just surprised that you wouldn't say no if Juan Carlos of Spain wanted to play bury the sausage.
That is not fair.
I could do the same with a long List of women.
Oh-ho-ho! It's lists of women now, is it? Well, let's completely change the subject, just 'cause we're feeling guilty.
I don't believe you! You're slobbering over other women for two years, you suggest an open relationship, then come on like a medieval chastity freak! Bernard Manning? I've already had him.
The Thames River Police? What does an empty plate of custard creams suggest? It suggests they're more popular than ginger nuts, doesn't it? Hello, Kate.
- Hi.
Listen, this incredible thing happened last night.
This woman I'm involved with - I say "involved", more Loosely connected to, really - Left a note saying she's gone abroad.
Oh, right.
- Yeah.
To Brazil for a month.
What's she going to be doing there? Bit of jungle work.
So are you free tonight? - Oh, I don't know.
It wasn't such a good idea.
- Yes, it was! Sorry, Dermot.
I might have fancied you when I was a kid, but that was ten years ago.
Ten years is nothing.
- It was a schoolgirl crush.
This is a bit like a school.
Get another crush.
I don't think so.
My mum remembered you.
She told me to say hello.
Is she doing anything tonight? So, went all right with Dorothy, did it? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's amazing, the body's powers of recovery.
Mind you, that headboard's days are numbered.
So she's accepted this open relationship business? Yeah, she'll be all right, once she gets over the jealousy thing.
If she can't handle it, I may consider going back to the way things were before.
What, the old monogamy? - Yeah.
Yeah, it's back in again, monogamy.
Is it? I thought it was out again.
- No, no.
It's back in.
I must be thinking of skateboarding.
Lot to be said for it, monogamy.
- Yeah.
I saw Kate today, I thought, "I can't take her from her boyfriend.
"What kind of scumbag breaks up a happy couple?" You didn't bother, then? - No, no.
Despite her begging.
Turned her down.
- What about Deborah? I might have mentioned something.
I can't remember.
What did she say? She was edging towards a "maybe".
Oh, yeah? Not bad.
Well, I thought I'd play it cool Leave it for a bit.
You know women, labouring under this misconception that we're obsessed by them.
Yeah.
You didn't mention the 20 billion sperm? - I didn't.
You think I should have? Well, it's a Lot, isn't it? - Yeah.
I'll mention it tomorrow.
- Yeah.
Subtly, though.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, something like, "There's a lot of sugar in this bowl "20 million pieces probably.
"